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Parenting Decoded
Parenting Decoded
76 - Gifting a Digital Device for the First Time: A Parent's Guide
Are you planning to give your child their first smartphone, tablet, gaming console, or smartwatch this holiday season? Before you wrap that gift, there's crucial work you need to do! In this week's episode of Parenting Decoded, I'm sharing essential guidance from Defend Young Minds on how to set up digital devices the RIGHT way—before your child ever touches them.
I walk you through the step-by-step process of configuring parental controls, testing safety settings, and creating a family tech contract that establishes clear boundaries from day one. Whether your child is 8, 10, or 15, this episode will help you choose protection over peril and set your family up for digital success. Plus, I'm sharing a free sample digital contract you can download and customize for your own family. Don't let the excitement of gift-giving leave you scrambling—tune in now and parent with confidence!
References to look up:
Sample Digital Contract from Parenting Decoded
Defend Young Minds and their article "7 Essential Rules for New Tech to Safeguard Your Child."
Email me at info@parentingdecoded.com or go to my website at www.parentingdecoded.com.
Have a blessed rest of your day!
Welcome to Parenting Decoded, the podcast for practical approaches to parenting. I’m Mary Eschen. Today we're talking about giving your child their first digital device, most likely somewhere between the ages of 10 and 15 but could be as young as 8. Whether it's a smartwatch, smartphone, gaming console, tablet, or one of those safer phone options like a Bark phone, Gabb phone, or Pinwheel device—this episode is for you. I'm basing today's conversation on guidance from Defend Young Minds, an organization dedicated to helping parents protect their kids online. These quick tips will help keep your kids safer this holiday season and beyond. Before You Wrap That Device, Plan Time to Set It Up Here's what most parents do: they buy the device, wrap it up, and watch as their excited kid tears off the wrapping and immediately wants to use it. And in that moment of excitement, the parent says, "Sure, go ahead and set it up!" Do not do this. I repeat, do not simply hand over the device and let your kid set it up. Every device needs to be set up by you, the parent, before your child ever touches it. You need to configure parental controls, test them, and turn off apps that might allow backdoors to unfiltered internet. Even devices marketed as "safe" for kids often have loopholes that clever kids will find. Here's the key recommendation from Defend Young Minds: set up tech devices one to two weeks beforehand. Setting up parental controls can take several hours and be surprisingly frustrating. You might need to call tech support—and trust me, you don't want to be doing that on Christmas evening when representatives might not even be available. So do this in "daily doses" over the next two weeks. Configure safety settings on both the device and possibly your home router. Test everything. Make sure the focus stays on the joy of the gift, not the panic of wrestling with settings while your kids wait impatiently. Why This Matters So Much By choosing to set up safety options, you're actively choosing protection over peril. Let me be direct here. Giving kids access to unfiltered internet can lead to predatory grooming, accidental viewing of explicit and violent pornography, relentless cyberbullying, and the development of addictive habits around apps and endless scrolling. Your child's brain needs time to mature. A lot of us have heard that the prefrontal cortex—the part responsible for good decision-making and impulse control—doesn't fully develop until the mid-twenties. That means your child doesn't have the neurological equipment yet to consistently make wise choices online, especially when they're up against algorithms specifically designed to keep them hooked. While there's no perfect protection—no system is foolproof—you can still have powerful influence by ensuring their first steps into the digital world are safe, supervised, and aligned with your family's values. Give Access, Not Ownership Here's something brilliant from Defend Young Minds: give access instead of ownership. Think about the psychology here. When you're using someone else's device, you follow their rules. When you own something, you think you can make up the rules yourself. Your kids need to understand they can use your device using your rules. When a child thinks "This is my phone," they resist parental oversight. But when they understand "This is Mom and Dad's phone that I get to use," the dynamic is completely different. So when you give the gift, make this crystal clear: "We're so excited to let you start using this phone! We own it, and we're trusting you to use it responsibly. That means we'll have access to it, we'll check it regularly, and we have some rules we need to go over together." The Right Way to Do This So how do you actually do all this? Let me walk you through the proper approach. Purchase the device at least two weeks in advance. Unbox it privately when your kids aren't around. Create accounts using your email address, not your child's—you should control the primary account. Next, explore every settings menu. Look for parental controls, privacy settings, content restrictions, time limits, and app permissions. Then actually configure them—set up content filters, restrict app downloads, enable location sharing if appropriate, turn off in-app purchases. Then test everything. Pretend you're a kid trying to get around the restrictions. Can you access YouTube when you shouldn't? Download apps without permission? Browse the web unrestricted? If you find holes, plug them. And here's a helpful tip: YouTube has lots of videos if you need help. Just type in something like "How to set up a new iPhone for a child" and you'll get tons of well-reviewed content to walk you through it. Document what you've done. Write down passwords, PINs, and the settings you've configured. You'll need this information later. If you get stuck, call tech support now—not on Christmas Day. And do this work in manageable chunks—thirty minutes one evening, an hour another day. Don't try to do it all at once. All Devices Need This Now, you might be thinking certain devices don't need this level of attention. But they do. Smart watches might seem innocent, but many allow messaging and internet access. Gaming consoles have chat features where strangers can contact your child. Tablets and smartphones obviously need the most attention. Even Smart TVs can access streaming services and web browsers. And here's the thing—even those "safer" options marketed specifically for kids, like Bark phones, Gabb phones, or Pinwheel products, still need careful setup. Turn off apps that might allow backdoor access. Read the parent guides. Join parent communities to learn what other parents have discovered. The principle is the same across all devices: you need to set it up, understand how it works, and maintain control. The Gift of Safety This whole setup process isn't just about restricting access. It's the foundation of teaching digital defense skills. It shows your child you take their safety seriously. It establishes boundaries and expectations from day one. And it creates a framework for ongoing conversations about digital citizenship. Final Challenge Now here's one more crucial step, and personally, I think you should do this before any gift is given. It's that magical moment when your kid is willing to agree to anything to become eligible for a digital gift. What is it? Create a simple tech contract with your child. Sit down together and outline clear expectations in writing. Get agreement from everyone involved, and then all of you sign it. What should be covered in the contract? Defend Young Minds has seven essential rules: • First, devices charge at the parents' bedside at night—never in the child's bedroom. I always add that no electronics ever should be in a child's bedroom or other private place like a bathroom. Never, ever, ever. No smart devices either! They should wake up using an old-fashioned alarm clock. If they need a computer to do homework, it gets done in public areas. You'll save yourself a lot of headaches and fighting in the long run if you're able to get commitment on this first rule! • Second, establish daily time limits for device use. The American Academy of Pediatrics says for elementary kids it matters most that it's consistent times—whether that's an hour a day, 30 minutes on weekdays and 2 hours on weekends, or only on weekends. Just set boundaries and be consistent. • Third, devices must be put down immediately when parents ask for attention. • Fourth, designate no-device zones and times like dinner, homework, and family events. • Fifth, parents have access to all passwords and will conduct regular check-ins. • Sixth, children must inform a parent immediately when they encounter inappropriate content. • And seventh, clearly spell out consequences for breaking these rules—like a 24-hour loss of device access. Having this contract in place transforms abstract rules into concrete expectations. Both parent and child can sign it, and you can refer back to it when issues arise. It eliminates the "but you never told me" argument and creates accountability from day one. If you need help writing a tech contract and want to see what one parent I coached came up with—including consequences for poor behavior—visit my website to find a SAMPLE DIGITAL CONTRACT that you can download and modify. I'll put a link to it in my show notes. Wrapping Up So remember: before you wrap those devices, plan time to create a contract and plan time to set them up. By choosing to set up safety options, you're actively choosing protection over peril. Give access instead of ownership. Give yourself one to two weeks to do this right. And create that contract together. For more detailed guidance, check out Defend Young Minds and their article "7 Essential Rules for New Tech to Safeguard Your Child." Thanks for listening to Parenting Decoded. Until next time, parent with confidence and protect with love! Have a blessed rest of your day! Tech.