How to Stop Overworking, People-Pleasing, and Losing Yourself | Polish Peter Kolat on Alison Answers

High-achievers are losing themselves to blind beliefs and burnout, often sacrificing marriage, kids, and peace for a success myth. This episode reveals how that happens—and the simple framework to reclaim your authentic life, starting now.

In this episode, Alison interviews "Polish Peter" Kolat, transformational coach and author of Authentic Self Rebirth. He shares his raw journey: immigrating from Poland at 14, a childhood "frying pan incident" sparking people-pleasing, near-divorce from 90-hour work weeks, and his awakening to design life-first businesses. Together, they unpack limiting beliefs, imposter syndrome, and Peter's 7 Human Drives for true freedom.

You will learn:
✅ How "blind agreements" from childhood (like perfectionism or people-pleasing) silently run your business and relationships
✅ The 7 Human Drives (Comfort, Variety, Connection, Significance, Growth, Contribution, Faith)—and why #7 crushes the rest
✅ Peter's "optimistic depression": Smiling through inner chaos after divorce mirrored his parents' split
✅ Why everything happens FOR you—not to you—and how curiosity breaks confirmation bias
✅ Saying "no" builds trust in your "yes," scales teams, and ends solo-burnout
✅ Real steps: Question beliefs, create a life vision first, then business (e.g., 10am-2:30pm work blocks around kids)
✅ Childhood trauma patterns (like Peter's alcoholic dad fight) repeat until questioned—epigenetics in action
✅ Faith as the ultimate drive: Ignite it, and love/significance stop controlling you
✅ Advice for despair/suicide thoughts: Get curious, reach out—it's never the answer
✅ How high-performers reclaim peace, purpose, and legacy without sacrifice

This episode is a wake-up to stop wandering blindly, poke holes in your ego stories, and rebirth the real you who thrives—before your patterns cost everything.

🧠 About Polish Peter (Peter Kolat)
Polish Peter is a transformational coach, speaker, and author of Authentic Self Rebirth: A Simple, Proven Framework to Break Free and Become Who You’re Meant to Be. He’s the creator of the Seven Human Drives framework and has coached thousands of entrepreneurs and high performers to build lives and businesses rooted in authenticity, not performance.

He’s been named Transformational Coach of the Year, spoken on over 100 stages, and is affectionately known as the “Polish Tony Robbins.” More importantly, he’s a husband and father of three who rebuilt his life after divorce and “optimistic depression,” choosing a path where his business serves his life—not the other way around.

🤝 Connect with Polish Peter:
https://www.i

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Now we spend 80, 90 hundred hours a week working in our businesses or our jobs or whatever it might be. And in the entire conversation, we end up losing what's really important because of your relationship with your wife or your husband or with your kids.

SPEAKER_04 0:10

Because growing up, my guest today is Peter Kulan, author of authentic self-rebirth, creator of the seven human-drive framework and a transformational coach. He's coached thousands, spoken on over a hundred stages, and was named Transformational Coach of the Year in both 22 and 24. He's also a proud husband and father, created living what he teaches, building a legacy without sacrificing what matters most.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

I went through something called optimistic approach. Everything's good, I'm good, right? But deep down inside, the question that I had in my mind was like, what's wrong with me? I have a strong belief that everything happens for me. Brain is very good at telling you the answer to the question that you ask. Where does it get that? One of the things that I start seeing in life with people is a lot of it is the context, the meaning that we associate with it. Is this really true that you have to be perfect?

SPEAKER_04 1:08

Right? No! Nobody likes a perfect person anyhow.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

I think the biggest things that I think people are missing a lot of times is Hello there today, people.

SPEAKER_04 1:22

My guest today is Peter Kolat. I hope I'm saying his name correctly. Uh, he is also fondly called Polish Peter, author of Authentic Self-Rebirth, creator of the Seven Human Drives Framework, and a transformational coach, affectionately known as the Polish Tony Robbins. He's coached thousands, spoken on over 100 stages, and was named Transformational Coach of the Year in both 22 and 24. Peter helps entrepreneurs and high achievers cut through the self-help noise, reconnect with their true identity, and build lives and businesses rooted in peace, purpose, and personal freedom. Beyond the mindset work, he grows purpose-driven companies, consults for equity, and invests in the coaching and personal development space. He's also a proud husband and father of three, living what he teaches, building a legacy without sacrificing what matters most. Looking so forward to meeting Peter, having a conversation with him. I am looking forward to all of us being transformed. And without any further ado, here he is. Hey guys, how are you today? It is Allison from Allison Answers and Lager Counseling Services. And as I mentioned before, I have Polish Peter or Polish Peter, one of those. And um as I also mentioned, this is someone who you can gain a lot of wisdom. You can uh learn about your authentic self. And I'm so looking forward to everything he's going to share with us today. Uh, I just would love to welcome you, Peter. Thank you for coming on the show. And um what has what is the thing that lights you up most in your life and how did you get here?

SPEAKER_02 3:15

Well, I love the fact that you first and foremost, thank you for having me on this podcast. I love Allison answers. I think that's got an awesome rank to it. Um, and it's interesting to introduce me Polish or Polish, Peter, because when I came here to the United States, I was 14 years old, came from Poland, didn't speak any English. Um, there was no, I didn't know anything about English, right? And once I started learning English, one of the reoccurring questions that I had for myself, I was like, so wait a minute, am I Polish or am I Polish? Which one am I? Because it's the same word, looks exactly the same, but it's a two different context. Right. And I think if one of the things that we I start seeing in life with people is a lot of it is the context, the meaning that we associate with life. Just like that one little example of Polish versus Polish. So my entire mission is to shift people's meanings that they have in life to be able to bring them to what they truly want. You know, get back to the authenticity. Because I think what has happened over the years, and I think we've seen it more so than ever in the last you know, three to five years, is that the world tells us how we need to be, who we need to be, and all those different things. And we start to, whether it's blindly or without realizing, without questioning, or whatever it might be, we start to agree with that. And but we and we lose ourselves in the whole entire conversation, whether you're a driven entrepreneur or you are struggling, you know, um, to man and make ends meet, you know what I mean? And we lose ourselves. So my whole mission is to bring people back to their authenticity, who I truly am kind of with them. Because when we get back to that, I think that's where our strength comes from. That's when we actually thrive in life. And I think that gets lost throughout as we're growing up in life, especially the last three to five years.

SPEAKER_04 5:01

Does it make sense to you? It makes so much sense to me, and I um I just love the conversation already. My question about that is what do you think I know that I daily need to return to myself, which I feel like is almost like returning to peace, you know? Because when when I it's like a a part of me that doesn't there's no lack within me, you know, um all that I need is within me now. So I'm just wondering how how do you think we end up losing ourselves? Um what do what do you think helps us lose touch with our true identity? And how do you help people get back?

SPEAKER_02 5:45

So that's a great question. I think what ends up it starts very early, you know, you're eight, nine, ten years old. And as you are growing through those years, what ends up happening is you're like a sponge, right? Because you don't know any better. So you just agree with everything and anything the world tells us to be, whether it's your mom, whether it's a school teacher, whatever who might that be, and you tend to agree to those beliefs and they permeate. And we're constantly, because of that, what ends up happening, we are looking to the outside world, to the outside circumstances, to the outside views or people or whatever it might be to tell us how to act. Right? So, for instance, I'll give you an example. You know, entrepreneurs, for instance, some of them are really big on feeling important, feeling significant, feeling like we matter. And that's just a you know, important part of being a human, right? But it gets so big that a lot of times we end up working for something as opposed to really being what's true over here. What I mean by that is you know, we spend 80, 90, 100 hours a week working in our businesses or jobs or whatever it might be, and in the entire conversation we end up losing what's really important, which is let's say the relationship with your wife or your husband or with your kids. You know what I mean? Because growing up, you saw that. Maybe this you saw that working hard is the answer. You know, and I went through that myself. You know, when I went through this, I call my awakening moment, you know what I mean? Uh, awakening time, I think, was in my life. Between 2011 and 2013, I had this awakening time. And throughout the time, I started to discover a lot of those of what I call blind agreements, people call them limiting beliefs, of what was driving me. And one of those things was working hard. Where did I get that? I got that from my uncle growing up. I watched him the entire time, build his entire house, all the furniture, everything in this thing. And by the way, I have it to be perfect, everything had to be perfect, exactly how it needs to be, right? Yes. Well, guess what? I took that on. Now he had the best intention right for me to be able, but ends up happening that I'm the meaning that I associate with it, that my business, I had to do everything myself. And that basically cost me so many different things with the relationships, with myself, with money, because at the end of the day, I wasn't where I wanted it to be. So the way you get back to it, I think, for yourself, you start to go through this awakening, start actually questioning those beliefs that you have, meaning, is this really true that you have to be perfect? Right? No, nobody likes a perfect person, anyhow. Right. By the way, imagine being in a relationship, you being perfect, the other person being perfect. That wouldn't be so fun, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_04 8:29

Reason get very boring, right? Right, exactly. It's incredible because I feel like just one little one little part of what you said is such an ill in the entrepreneurial space or people who have their own business is letting go of doing everything ourselves, and that's such a transformation because a lot it also advances other people when you allow other people, you know, as you grow, you allow other people to grow and do the things that you were doing, and it's like cell division, you know, it's like actually works, it's real growth, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:06

But yeah, but you have to step out of yourself kind of to be able to be able to actually help people do this, yeah. It takes fear, right? Yeah, it takes a courage because the fear gets in the way. What if this? What if, what if there's a lot of what ifs, right? Yes, and there's a shoulds and shouldn't, and we should all over ourselves, right? You know, yes. Um, and it's keeping us in this quote-unquote kind of a cage kind of a thing.

SPEAKER_04 9:29

Right. How do you, when you um your book, uh The Rebirth, right? Of the authentic self. Yeah, let me see it. Authentic self-rebirth, right?

SPEAKER_02 9:39

By the way, it's the first book I think that you can actually write your own name in there. Oh, I love that. That's so cool. Authentic self-rebirth.

SPEAKER_04 9:46

I love that. What a great, a simple proven way. Hold it up. A simple proven framework to break free and become who you're meant to be. So tell us some. We want people to get the book, but tell us some of that simple framework.

SPEAKER_02 10:02

Like well, so yeah, I'm glad you asked that. So one of the things that I talk about in there is the awakening. The first part of the book is the awakening. And what that means is really getting to know yourself, the version that the world told you who you need to be. Because most of us, I think, are just wandering around. I think I know myself, but if you really get down to it, you really don't. And what I mean by that is like I started going through the different exercises in there, and I'll give you an example. So when I was 35 years old, I was sitting in the mastermind group and I was sharing what's going on with my life, and things were not going so well, and my business was not doing so hot, and I was telling them how I run my business, what I do. And the person on the other end goes, Well, dude, you're a people pleaser. I'm like, What? No way. What do you mean I'm people pleaser? I mean, if I don't like it, I'll say no. I'm like, look at your evidence over here that you're sharing with us, right? So that was like a this blind agreement, this kind of a blind spot that all of a sudden got opened up for me. I'm like, wow, would you look at that? It literally runs my whole entire life. Yeah, it cost me my business, cost me my marriage, cost me my relationships, and all kinds of different things. So one of the things that the simplicity of this book, there's two parts really to it. One part is the awakening, the other one part is the rebirth. So the first part is being awakened from that version that the world told us to be, and then start questioning it, and then you're looking from the perspective of, hmm, so who do I truly am? Like in a deep core. Because if you really think about this, every single one of us when we were like three, four, or five years old, right? Were we fearful?

SPEAKER_04 11:42

Well, I was, so that's you know, I don't want to debunk what you're saying, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:47

Right, but there was a lot of but think about it this way there is comes a point at some point that we decide to be fearful about something, right? Yes, definitely. But right before that, there was none of that. Right.

SPEAKER_01 11:57

We were courageous, we were curious, yes, right?

SPEAKER_02 12:00

We were just full of life, we were joyful or whatever, and then at some point, there comes a moment that all of a sudden I make a decision that I gotta be careful, right? Yes, or I gotta watch what I say or do or be. Yes, yes. To help uncover what drives us in life.

SPEAKER_04 12:22

Would you tell us what they are, the seven human drives?

SPEAKER_02 12:25

Yeah, sure. So um, so in full disclosure, this came out of the framework that Tony Robbins and Chloe Madonna put together called Six Human Needs, right? Yeah. So if you're aware of six human needs, yeah, I went and looked at it perspective. I'm like, wow, there is so much to that. And at the same time, it's not so much that I need this, but it drives me. What drives me in life? So I'll give you a quick overview. So every single person in the world, I don't if I don't care if you're black, white, green, yellow, whatever you corner of the world that you're coming from, you have those drives. They just go in a different level, right? For someone, it could be growth, might be really big driven, like entrepreneurs. Growth is huge for them, right? And comfort, maybe not so much. Security is not so much. So it's different levels that we have. They can be used for good, they could be used for bad. You mean creating good habits or bad habits? So there's so many different layers to that, but it explains to you why we do the things that we do and why we don't do the things that we want to do, right? So I'll give you guys and give you some uh examples. So I'll quickly go through those drives. Number one is uh drive for comfort, the security, the uh the you know certainty in life, right? Being in this, you know, we talk about comfort zone, right? There's a huge comfort zone for those kinds of people. Number two is variety, the spice of life, because if you knew everything, how it was going, when it's gonna happen, you pretty quickly get bored, right? So we need some spice in life. Number three is that drive for connection, the drive for love. Because some people are afraid of connection, they'll I mean love and they'll sell for connection. But we need to be connected. We human beings are not meant to be separated, especially when someone's going through a tough time. What is one of the first things that they do? They separate themselves from everybody else, right? And you need to be connected, you need to reach out to somebody, need to talk to somebody. Four, it's the significance, feel like I matter, feel like I'm important, feel like I'm up to something in life, right? So for me, and look, you you, for instance, probably significant is pretty high up there because we have podcasts, we want to help people, you want to, you know, uh put ourselves in front of or some people are not open to that. So, number five, I would say growth. Growth is you know, growing, learning, and doing something constantly. Like entrepreneurs are huge on that. Um, number six is the contribution. We want to contribute to life, we want to give back to someone else. Because think about this. So if you have a stinking thinking, I call it stinking thinking a lot of times. One of the best things to do is contribute to somebody else. Go out there, do something, give back to life, right? And then number seven, that Tony never addressed it really, I think it's really important drive because when that drive gets put in place, when you focus on it, when you you know increase that drive, all the other drives become a little less significant. And that drive is drive for faith. Because think about it. If you have a faith, oh yeah, if you have a strong faith, if you have a faith in something that's bigger than you, like God or Creator or whatever it might be, guess what happens? Life doesn't shake you as they used to, right? And I find it so many times in my you know, masterminds, and people that come in, let's say entrepreneurs or business owners come in, and there's not much faith, and as we're coaching and getting through it, at some point there's some faith that gets ignited. And guess what? Business starts shifting, life starts shifting, relationships, their mind, everything goes with it. Yeah, so those are the drives that basically I talk about in that book. Yes. And I have a test that they can take to actually help them uncover what their top one is as well.

SPEAKER_04 16:01

So I'm gonna ask you a question, you ready? What I'll bring it this has to do with your people pleasing, because I think that is one of uh it's a very big ill that people have just in general. So how would you identify the core driver? What were you what are you looking to avoid? What are you looking to create? What are you what are you afraid of? Because people pleasers are scared, like they don't know it. You know, we can call it fear, we can call it anxiety, whatever it is. What were you trying to um avoid, accomplish by pleasing?

SPEAKER_02 16:43

Well, that's a great question. There's twofold answer to that. I will tell you this. The drive that was driving me, this might be surprising for some people, but what's the significance? Feeling important, feel like a matter that doesn't surprise me, right? That makes sense. That one, like I'm the man, I'm the man, right? Right. And guess what? That cost me so many different things because I was saying yes to everybody and everything. And at the same time, I was not saying that yes to the most important people in my life. Yes, because I figured they'll be there, right? Right. Um, so that was the significance now. What I was trying to do.

SPEAKER_04 17:15

Fear-driven, like fear that you wouldn't be significant if you didn't, you know, like no was not an option.

SPEAKER_02 17:22

Yeah, like no, because if I say no, then that means that I can't, you know, um, I can't do it. And they're gonna find out something about me. You know that yes, um, what's that syndrome that everybody keeps talking about? Imposter. Imposter syndrome.

SPEAKER_04 17:37

I'm gonna get find out.

SPEAKER_02 17:38

Right. I'm gonna get found out.

SPEAKER_04 17:40

They're gonna know the truth. Yes, and everybody uh it's better if they know the truth, right?

SPEAKER_02 17:46

Right that's by the way, this is basically the ego that starts showing up in the conversation, right? And everybody's doing it basically, right? The imposter syndrome is like uh, I don't know, like it's all over the place, right? Yes, we're all afraid that somebody else is gonna find out, and yet everybody's thinking about the same thing. Yes, I mean, how crazy is that, right? So that was imposter syndrome was there, and when I finally figured this out, the authenticity, all of a sudden, authenticity, I don't need to worry about that. Yes, it changes there's like you said, peace at the beginning of this conversation, right? It shifts you back to your peace, kind of a thing. So yeah, that was that was an interesting kind of uncovered thing for me back day.

SPEAKER_04 18:29

Right. So, like the idea of saying no, um what I think about is that if I can, you know, I struggled when I was young in my 20s. I was I never could say no. And then uh my stepmom said something that's so wise. I just love it forever. I tell everybody this. She said, you know, when you say no, then people can trust your yes. And now I love it when people say no to me. I I say no all the time because you people can trust my yes. If I say yes to you, I mean it, right? And there's so much integrity in that and in saying no. Also, when when other people ex uh ask you something, and then then what let's say you do say no and then they're mad at you. To me, then they're not really asking, they're commanding you. It they're not asking yes or no, they're they're saying you must, right? Right. So it's not it's not really a question. And uh I just I think that that's such a big part of all this. And I think being an entrepreneur, wouldn't you agree that this is like the kind of thing that just grows you up? Like as your business grows, you have you don't have a choice, or you're just gonna suffer. Like just really bad, right?

SPEAKER_02 19:54

And you will suffer big time because the way I suffered, what ended up costing me is my marriage. Yes. At the end of 2008, my wife came to me and asked for divorce, right? So it's you know, and it's a really big deal, kind of a thing. If you really look at it from that perspective, right? It can cost you so many different things. I love that we're gonna feel about that, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 20:13

Because I think this is a I think it's an important topic that um because often we see that um yeah, because I'm a marriage counselor and a lot of us are here, so basically we'll see that you know, people will come in for marriage counseling, and very often the man doesn't even know that there's like a major problem. And like studies show that it a woman knows seven years in advance before the man knows that there's a major marital issue. Yeah, and uh so will you um if you don't mind sharing, like what first of all, what happened? How did it affect you? Because it seems like it was something that made you triumph, you know. Yeah, like it really turned you around, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:59

Yeah, so yeah, you're totally 100% right. When she came and she said she wants a divorce, it like I was like, what? What the how the what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_00 21:08

Yes, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:09

That was completely out of the left field for me. But once I started actually looking, looking back, I mean, there were so many signs that that was leading towards that kind of thing, right? So what happened after that is I went into what I call, I don't know if you ever heard that term, because every single time I mentioned it, somebody says, What? I went through something called optimistic depression.

SPEAKER_04 21:31

Oh do you know what that means? You're smiling, you're it's pretense.

SPEAKER_02 21:36

Yeah, everything's good, I'm good, right? But deep down inside, the question that I had in my mind was like, what the heck is wrong with me? Actually, I was much more direct, right? Like I would beat myself up, like, what the hell was wrong with me? Like, what did I do here? And then all those different things. And then you spiral down this rabbit hole, right? And what ends up happening is it's causing you down this, you know, what I call stinking thinking, right? And um so this period, luckily for me, has helped me go through this awakening because I am big into like the personal development space. So I was like what so here's one thing that hit me. So when I was eight years old, my parents got divorced. Okay. When I got divorced, my oldest at the time was eight years old. Wow. And I'm like, is that coincidence? No. No, no, maybe not. There's something behind that. And that's what got me starting to think about what is why is this? It's almost like a pattern. Why is this reoccurring, right? And start questioning how you know I was thinking and in a good way, kind of a thing. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 22:45

Like is belief really true?

SPEAKER_02 22:48

You know, and then it helped me to kind of be aware of myself and getting out of this, you know, thinking so I can actually help people, right? And that's what drove me to actually go and help somebody else so they don't go through that painful time.

SPEAKER_04 23:00

What did you learn when you saw that pattern? What did you see that as? What did that mean to you that you you were eight? Because that is that's epigenetics right there. Yeah, it's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 23:12

Yeah, it is it's crazy. So, what that meant to me is I made the decision like maybe this is the opportunity for me to if this is a pattern, right? Yeah, because I don't know what it was like for my mom or my my my mom never got divorced. Well, no, my mom's parents didn't get divorced, but this was a whole country different thing, right? Yes, my mom got divorced, obviously, right? So maybe it's an opportunity for me to break that pattern. Yes, maybe it's an opportunity for me to shift moving forward with my kids. Yeah, right. And then I took on like a challenge almost, yeah, and kind of like helped me figure this out. How would I create the life that I truly want? And what I did is because here's what I one of the things that I did wrong back then is I created a business plan and I knew what the business is supposed to look like. And guess what? I didn't create a life plan. So guess what? The business overtook the entire life, yes, and then I was trying to fit somewhere in there life, right? That's why I was working 80, 90 hours a week. Now, what I did here is like created what does my life look like? What did I want my life to look like? And then, based on that vision for my life, I learned this from a company called Life Owner. Based on that, how do I create a business that supports that life? Yes, what a novel idea. Yes, right, and it changes how you start to put things in place. Like one of the things I remember I said to myself, like, I want to make sure that I pick up and drop off my kids in them in the morning and the afternoon. Yes, right, going through this whole entire time. So my I would pick them up from my ex-wife's house at about 9 a.m. and dropping them off at school, I'll be back home by 10 o'clock, and then I would start to leave the home at 2:30 in the afternoon to start picking up from school. Okay. So between 10 and 2:30, I had to work in my business like my hair is on fire.

SPEAKER_04 25:07

I got it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

I had to be very intentional, right?

SPEAKER_04 25:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 25:11

That's what ends up happening. Intentionality kicks in.

SPEAKER_04 25:13

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Well, you know, your priorities start to shift. Yes. Right? Now you operate in the business in a completely different way to make sure that your business grows because now the the the life drives the business, not the other way around.

SPEAKER_04 25:28

Yeah, and it's like it's like when you focus in, it's like um magnifying glass with the with the sun coming in. Like you're gonna laser if you have five critical tasks a day. This is what Andy Frisella has us all doing, is just like that move the needle, you're you're getting there, like no matter what it is, right? So that's fantastic. Do you um what would you so what is it, what would you say to someone who is stuck in their childhood beliefs? Let me let me just do a little piggyback on it, because I'm always saying this thing and it's just neuroscience, but it's from zero to seven years old, or you know, give or take, we're in a theta brainwave, which is a hypnotic state. So, which is great because we learn to read, write, you know, use a pencil and all those things we're supposed to do, but we also attach meaning to all of the nuances of our life, which creates our core belief system, right? Which you're called, which is what you're describing, right? So that at some point, like I know, and possibly you, that there was some belief formed that in order to survive or to do well in this earth, you have to be pleasing, or you, you know, saying no is a bad thing. It doesn't mean even that anybody taught us that, just means that we interpreted that, right? And we bring it into our lives. So it's like this unwiring and rewiring of these beliefs is really where life is. That's like really like it, you know. So, like, what would you say? If do you see like significant key points in your life that I can't help it, I'm a therapist, I'm gonna dive into it.

SPEAKER_00 27:13

I get it.

SPEAKER_04 27:13

Yeah, in your life that you know, your parents divorced at eight. That is such a significant age for children, by the way. So, do you did something occur in you, do you think in your young years that made you feel you had to be a certain way in order to be loved or liked or you know, all of that? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 27:34

I mean, there was an event, and I write it in my book. Uh I call it my frying pen incident. Um, so you know, there was a basically the gist of it is like my dad was an alcoholic, and he came home one night and he got in a fight with my mom, and they got in the argument. I'm eight years old, right? And um, they're fighting, and because he wanted to go back to the bar, and so I jump on him, he throws me off. And what ended up happening was I was kind of panicking because he was gonna hurt my mom and all the kind of stuff. So I ran in the kitchen, grab a frying pen, and I went in how you have a couch and you have that arm on the couch. I stood up on that arm so I can be tall enough, and I went and hit him over the head with that frying pen. Yeah, and he fell to the ground, right? And I remember like in that moment, that was the defining moments that you're talking about, right? I said to myself, I will never be like you. I'm gonna make sure the people like me because I don't like you right now. If I ever have kids, I'm gonna be a good dad. Wow. Right? Defining moment. Just wonder when the people pleaser originated. Yeah, could it be that moment by any chance, right? That's the seed that was planted, right? And the way I started looking from the perspective later on is these beliefs like we're talking about here, starting questioning them if that is really true. I don't think we ever question the belief because we have something called um, what's the it's a bias, it's a confirmation bias. Oh, yeah. And this confirmation bias, we're gonna look for things and beliefs and people that are gonna do what? Confirm with what we already believe. Yeah, but until we start questioning this, is this really true? Then all of a sudden we start poking holes in it. Then all of a sudden it starts to have this grip on us because I think up to that point has like a strong grip on us, right? Yes, yeah, um, and then we start, you know, shifting the beliefs. Like I used to believe up to that, you know, in my divorce, and even shortly thereafter, that I have this question, why is this happening to me? What has shifted since then is I have a strong belief that everything, and I mean everything happens for me. Yeah, 100% like everything. Everything. Now that seems kind of basak words, right? And seems kind of like you're living in La La La Land, Peter, right? Not to me. But you know what I mean? But to a lot of people it does. Yes. But if you really think about it, so you're telling me the divorce happened for you? Yeah, how could that be? You're telling me that your parents getting divorced happened for you? You're telling me that you're hitting your dad over a frying pan, because by the way, if I moved it over an inch, I don't know, but I could have probably killed them. You know what I mean? I don't know that. But the thing is, everything happens for me, and I can tell you with every with pretty good argument that all those different things, different, different things happened for me. Yes. Now it's a different way of living life.

SPEAKER_04 30:27

It really is. Because then you can utilize it, you know. I just, you know, I want to say to that, you know, that little boy, eight years old, who hit your dad, it's just that's such a powerful move because like when we see that with like domestic violence and little boys in the home, they uh they have just this natural propensity that they want to, they feel they want to say rescue their mom and protect her, and yet they feel so small, of course, with their big dad, and probably feel scared and want to be courageous. And what I find fascinating uh with you, because usually I hear stories, I mean, always I hear stories where the kid tried and then just felt so small and couldn't, or hid, or whatever they had to do, you know? And like that moment, you know, that you were so empowered to do that, I just wonder what that did for you. You know, um, I mean, I know it did something for you, but I just I because usually you hear that they want to and they just don't know how to, but you found a way and you did this thing, and you in a way, I don't know what the outcome was, but you kind of rescued your mom. Well, yeah. It was cool. That's kind of cool. For I mean, it's not a great experience, obviously, but you know, it could have been different that you couldn't do anything and you left the room and you were terrified and you felt guilty the rest of your life. Because that happens to a lot of men, you know.

SPEAKER_02 31:57

Yeah, I totally get it. And I think what ended up happening was this looking back, I think there was this inkling, um, the courage that was living within me, you know. I mean, and I think it's always there for us. Yes, but we what we end up doing, we keep burying it for some reason because the world tells us we have to be certain way, right? So that courage that we were, I think, brought onto this earth, that's what stepped up, you know, in that moment. Because I have I have another story. I mean, he was taking the doors off one time, you know, and I took the tools and ran away, you know. I mean, you did like and he chased me in and a whole bunch of different things, right? But it's that there was that courage. So when you start looking from that perspective, because a lot of times people go like, well, I'm not courageous, or I'm not this, or I'm not that, or I'm not, you know, I can't do it. Well, look, there is probably a whole bunch of evidence in your life that if you start looking for it, you're gonna see how courageous you were, how brave you were, how yeah, you know, amazing you were and uh how loving you were, or whatever the case may be. And you're gonna be able to go and take that to actually not only help yourself but help others. Because I think that's the spice of life, I think. We actually can help others be there for them. It makes a huge difference.

SPEAKER_04 33:06

It really does. How do you how um were you ever at any point, even you know, upon the divorce, whatever, just feel like you had just complete despair, like you lost hope. Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:19

Oh, yeah. After the divorce, you know, yeah. That was the period of time because remember, I said like I was like, Why the heck is wrong with me? You know what I mean? Yeah, I mean, I had a different word for that last, you know, one part, but uh in my head. But right, and by the way, I was getting a whole bunch of answers, right? Because your brain is very good at telling you the answers to the question that you ask. And where's it get that from your past experiences, circumstances, and they're usually not very good, right? Right, exactly. There was that point, you know.

SPEAKER_04 33:48

Yeah, so what um was there ever like um did it ever get like super dark for you that you didn't feel like you would um get out of it, or did you did you know you would?

SPEAKER_02 33:59

Um for me, I don't think it got really bad. I mean, there were bad moments, but it wasn't to a point where like, okay, this is it, you know. Um, and I think one of the reasons is is I'm very optimistic kind of a person. That's what the you know, the mask was on, kind of a thing, you know, optimism. And the other thing it was like I had three kids, you know. I mean, my kids are amazing, love them, and um, you know, I was looking forward to seeing them on the weekend and all that kind of stuff, right? So that was kept me going.

SPEAKER_04 34:27

What would you say to um someone who has completely lost hope? And let's say, you know, one of the things, you know, which we mentioned off camera that there are some people who listen who um have lost hope and they've considered dying by suicide because they don't see that things are happening for them. They haven't they don't haven't seen the evidence that they have that courage or value inside of them, or that uh even that anyone loves them because that suicide mind takes over and it eclipses any of the real truth. And they become people who believe others are better off without them. And uh it's a complete, you know, distortion, it's not true, but that is you know part of what happens, the progression. So I know that's this is a big question, and you know, I'm not asking for the exact answer, but I'd be curious, like if you were just talking to someone right now who was saying that to you, what would you what would you say to them?

SPEAKER_02 35:35

Well, I mean, this is a difficult question because this is a difficult topic. So, I mean, the fact that you know, you know, when I have sometimes those kinds of conversations with some of the people that come into my life for some strange reason, but I mean, I think God sends them my way.

SPEAKER_00 35:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 35:49

So we all know that that is not the answer. I think that like that the conversation around that is not the answer, right? It's never the right answer. Ending it is never the right answer, right? Right. So that would beg the question of like, so what is the answer? Right? If that's not the answer, what is the answer? What if I got curious to see and find out if there is some kind of an answer? You know, for me, I started looking for what might be the answer because what ends up happening with that, you know, in suicide, and and I'm not an expert at this, you know, in full disclosure, but if the suicide might take over, it starts going down the completely wrong rabbit hole. It does. And you don't look for the answers, you just go down and you know, you start looking like it's over, kind of a thing, right?

SPEAKER_04 36:35

Yeah, and that becomes the answer.

SPEAKER_02 36:37

Yeah, that becomes the answer. But but what you know, we one of the things that I sometimes do with uh some of the people, I go, listen, close your eyes for a minute and picture that the negative, you know, voice. Where's that coming from? Yeah, and then I give them kind of shake them off of that, and then we go do it again and picture where's that positive voice. If you have a positive voice, if you remember the positive voice, or the one that was empowering, that was a good voice that was talking, where's that coming from? And what they discover a lot of times is literally coming from two different places. Yeah, sometimes it's maybe a mom, or sometimes coming from a back somewhere, sometimes it's coming from out there, and maybe the positive one's coming more from the heart or from some other place. So, what does that say? Well, that's a different conversation. That's not me, it's just a different voice. And maybe when you start to look from that perspective, it starts to separate and kind of give you some power, maybe the little bit of that inkling, right, of possibility. Yeah, sometimes you just need that little bit of an inkling of that possibility.

SPEAKER_00 37:38

Sure.

SPEAKER_02 37:38

And then the last thing is I would say reach out to someone, like actually talk to someone. Yes, even if it's just whoever it might be, you know, just so ended up happening when I was going through this rough time. I remember like after the whole thing happened, I was on the kitchen floor crying. And I called this person. This was like one o'clock in the morning. He picked up, talked to him for probably two, three hours. Wow. And just sat there and listened. Love it. You have no idea what that kind of thing can do for you. You know what I mean? I still am good friends with this guy. And then another person showed up in my life and he went in a similar kind of conversation. So reach out to someone that you maybe know that uh have gone through a similar situation as you, right? Yes, maybe they were in that suicidal state or whatever. Talk to them, they get you. You know, that's the one person that will totally 100% understand you. Yes, and it will maybe shape some kind of a different inkling, that little tiny inkling that will get you out of this.

SPEAKER_04 38:34

Yeah, that little hope. You know, it's interesting. There was a gentleman I had on the podcast who's actually pretty well known. His name's Kevin Briggs, and he's he was known as the guardian of the Golden Gate, and he would um he talked so many different people off of the Golden Gate Bridge um from dying by suicide. And in his description of what he would do, is that he would stand 15 feet away and he just listened. Yeah, he said, and it's so interesting how our mind, when we allow we have those thoughts, when they're just in there with no interference, nothing, they can get darker and darker and more and more primitive and more convincing, you know, to go down a really negative path. But once they're outside, even just shared, and you can hear them, they they can they they have a way of working out, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:30

So it's it's a different conversation, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:32

Yeah, totally it makes yeah, and it just um, you know, any person who could hear this and gets just even a little hope, and that you know, everything we hear isn't actually true. Most things aren't, right? Wouldn't you agree?

SPEAKER_02 39:49

Oh, yeah. I mean, if you look back in so many different things, I mean, there was one point in my life, and I don't know who listens to the podcast, but there was one point in my life, and I believe in this one man, like he shows up once a year, and like without question, I think you know who I'm talking about, right? Um, the guy that shows up in once a year and he brings me, you know, presents and all kinds of things.

SPEAKER_04 40:12

Oh, we're talking about oh, we're talking about like a Santa? Yeah, like you could think about you couldn't convince me otherwise, right?

SPEAKER_02 40:20

Okay, say it again. You couldn't convince me otherwise that he does not exist. Like it was beyond a shadow of the doubt. When you were little, right? That when I was little, that that is the case. Right? Right, yes. And guess what? You know, and then if you applied it to the other beliefs, right? It can kind of transform how you're dealing with those beliefs, and like, you know, I'm not good enough. Right? Because this is one of those I'm not good enough. This is one of those big fears, I'm not good enough. Really? Is it really true? I mean, I know you got a whole bunch of evidence, right? On that, right, but is it really true? Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_04 41:04

You know what's interesting I have found over the years, which I'm so glad, and I hope to continue to find this, is that the more people I get to know who are more and more successful, like people who are like uber rich, like which and I just see they're we're the same. We're all the same, exactly the same. And it's so refreshing because that's what I love when people are just honest, and you know, to your point of like rebirth of authenticity, when someone who is, you know, not pretending, you know, not doing the ego thing. Like I love Ed Milette and Andy Frasilla are so real, they're just like they tell us when they're down, they tell us when they're, you know, they tell us when they're like, oh God, I want to quit my business and I can't, you know, like and those are the things that make you see that we're not none of us are different, you know.

SPEAKER_02 41:57

We all have the same fears.

SPEAKER_04 41:59

Yeah, we do. Yes. Let me ask you something. I know we have five minutes left, so I'm gonna ask you this. I'm getting, I get really personal. I forgot to tell you off camera, but you're uh you're a child of an alcoholic. So I don't know if you ever heard of adult children of alcoholics and all of the the um you know, the list of things, the qualities that they might have, like being hyper-vigilant or very, very successful and responsible because there is some, you know, they have to be, you know, because there's people in the home who are maybe not doing that, right? So do you I heard you because I can hear in your language, I can hear the 12 steps roaming through that, like higher power and I can hear it, you know, because I'm I know the 12 steps very well. I'm also a drug and alcohol counselor, and I also live the the I live that design for living. So I I hear it, I get it. So, like, did did you need to or did you um do that kind of any kind of personal development like that from having an alcoholic dad, or you know, uh, or or if you don't want to answer, we can just cut this part out.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

No, that's totally cool.

SPEAKER_02 43:09

I mean, I maybe on a subconscious level, but never intentionally. I never actually went through the 12 step, you know. I never went into alcoholism. I think it was the decision that I made, you know, when I was that eight years old with a frying pen. I think that decision shaped my life differently. Wow, because we see so many, think about it this way. How many times have we seen I uh there was this interview I heard a long time ago. I don't know, I might maybe screw up a few things, but okay. This guy went to interview twins. There were two twins, they were grown-up men, okay? One was very successful, the other one was in jail. And he went into the to interview the guy in the jail and said, Listen, so tell me about your life and how did you end up here? And throughout the conversation, he basically said, Well, listen, I came out of an alcoholic home, it was abusive, and it was a bad environment, and things like that. How else am I supposed to end up? You know? And then he went into the guy who was very successful. He had his life together and everything. And he said, So, how did you end up? This was a twin, exact twin, right? So he went to him and asked him, So, how did you end up in this position to be able to be so successful? He goes, Well, I was in the uh, you know, abusive home, alcoholic home, it was a bad environment. How else am I supposed to end up?

SPEAKER_00 44:23

Exactly. Right? Yeah, love it.

SPEAKER_02 44:26

And I think a lot of it is the demeaning that we associate with life that drives this whole bus, kind of a thing, right? And uh, and I think I was lucky and fortunate enough that that eight-year-old had the courage to make that decision. Yes, and in some way that kind of drove me to go and go about life in a different way.

SPEAKER_04 44:43

It's so good. That is such an excellent point, just what you just said. And it's interesting if you ever happen to see it. There's a book called Adult Children. It's adult children of dysfunctional homes or alcoholism, but they have two lists, and it's fascinating. It's to your point, it they call it the laundry laundry list. So there's one way that people respond to that home, and another way that people respond to that home. And it's just what you just said, like over responsibility or like all these things. And then on the other thing is like, you know, all the, you know, taking on all the other uh more negative uh qualities. So qualities have so what would be um what do you as we wrap up and we summarize here, what do you what do you wish I asked you that I didn't?

SPEAKER_02 45:40

I was gonna come up with some sarcastic comment, but that's not gonna you could. That's a good question. Um I think you answer a really good question. You ask a really good question, nothing comes into my mind, but uh, you answer some you ask some really good questions, and I think that your therapist is that's what allows to ask those kind of questions. Yeah, and um, and I will tell you this. I think the biggest things that I think people are missing a lot of times is the curiosity. Oh, yeah. And I think when you're a good coach or a good therapist, curiosity plays a huge role, right? Yes, get curious about life, get curious about people, get curious about anything and everything. You'll be surprised how the life starts to shift a little bit for you.

SPEAKER_04 46:26

I love that. Isn't that cool? Because instead of being like looking at things to find what's wrong, just look, just be a wise observer. Yeah, that's cool. What is that about? Yeah, like ask astute questions, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 46:40

Yeah, or ask a stupid question, you know what I mean? There isn't yes, because sometimes we think it's a stupid question. So what?

SPEAKER_04 46:46

So what? Yes, exactly. I agree. Couldn't be couldn't agree more. Okay, so where does everybody find you? Tell us, and everything will be in the show notes, but I would love for you to just tell people where you are and how they can connect with you.

SPEAKER_02 47:02

Well, again, thank you so much for having me. It was a great conversation. I love talking to you. Um, it was a great conversation. The way they can find me is the book right now. I'm giving the book away. They just have to pay for like shipping and handling, and they can go to myauthenticrebirth.com. Myauthenticrebirth.com. And if they want some of those little snippets of videos, I have a channel on Instagram. They can go in there, and the channel is called Authentic Self Rebirth. Follow me. I got a bunch of videos in there, like little reels that can kind of help them. They can connect with me, reach out to me, message me, and I can respond to them. So these are a couple of places, but myauthenticrebirth.com is where they can go and pick up the book if they like to, or anywhere the book is sold for that matter. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, everywhere.

SPEAKER_04 47:46

That's awesome. I want to thank you so much. It was such a pleasure to speak to you, to get to know you, um, to see the goodness and greatness you're doing on this earth. And I just want to thank you for being here. And is any closing comments before we drop the mic?

SPEAKER_02 48:05

Keep on rocking, Allison.

SPEAKER_04 48:08

Stay curious.

SPEAKER_02 48:09

That's right.