S04E18 - Trudie Dwyer (WAPOL Bibulmun self discovery) pt2

In the concluding episode to host Andy's chat with Trudy Dwyer, ex WAPOL officer (General Duties), the pair shift the focus to the point in time where Trudy was experiencing the debilitating effects of her PTSD, anxiety and dysfunctional nervous system.

Being stood down from duty medically wasn't easy for Trudy to come to terms with and she withdrew further, self medicating, stress eating and increased drinking leading to putting on weight....she entered a toxic feedback loop.

It got to a point where Trudy decided enough was enough and made the decision to seek specialist help and have a go at a holistically based approach to the treatment of her PTSD and repairing her nervous system. This is where the idea of the Bibbulmun track was planted, slowly allowing herself the TLC and self care to build up the courage getting out the house, to walking outside, the lead up training and trekking 1000km to become a member of the "end to ender" alumni of the Bibbulmun track.

She highlights the insights of life on the track with "me, myself and I" alone with her thoughts, reconnecting with nature and the power it has to transform, repair and build....especially her nervous system.

Completing the Bibbulmun track was an achievement and catalyst for her Post Traumatic Growth and continued journey and it also enabled Trudy to come to accept that although she is no longer able to serve the community in law enforcement it, she's capable of repurposing her skills to service the community in many other ways.

Guest -  Trudy Dwyer
At the request of Trudy we've respected her privacy and not provided contact details.
Help Lines Open Arms (VVCS) | Lifeline | RedSix app

"RESPECT, NO POLITICS, WE'RE VOLUNTEERS"

Disclaimer: The accounts and stories are "Real lived experiences" of our guests some of the content may trigger Post Traumatic Stress (PTS) symptoms in some of our audience. Feedback regarding other organisations, courses and initiatives remains largely unsensored. Whether its good or bad they remain the OPINION of our guests and their experiences it is important in building an accurate statistic on what really happens. 
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Transcript

Claire Fermo: 0:04

Welcome to invisible injuries podcast, aimed at bettering the well being and mental health, veterans, first responders, in their immediate support experiencing post traumatic stress. By sharing the stories of the lived experiences of our kids, or support staff and the clinicians, it's our aim to make sure we can have a meaningful connection with our audience, and give them the ideas for their own self care plan. If you do like what you're hearing, subscribe to the channel and share it with your friends. Lastly, these stories may be a trigger for your post traumatic stress. If your PTSD is triggered, we have links to support in the description. Or if it's immediate, please call lifeline. On 1311 14. Here's your host, Andy fermo.

Andy Fermo: 1:03

When you move on, they made that call on that Monday morning to to the to the site? No, how did that feel?

trudy dwyer: 1:11

Well, initially being referred to a psychiatrist and being diagnosed with something to do with mental health. There is a stigma, even to this day in society that mental health is a negative is a negative thing. And we deal with mental health patients all the time within the job. And my automatic thought was, I'm not one of them. And that's where my mind went to. And then I realised that no, I'm doing exactly what everybody else does with that stigma. And this is me, I'm not coping, and I have to do whatever it takes to get well. So what does that look like? And then go through the process of that. But there was that sense of relief that I won have actually been able to have the courage to speak up and get the help. Because I think for so many people, the awareness, and that initial step in, I need help is often the hardest one to do. I know I'd been struggling for a long time, on my own thinking I could do it on my own.

Andy Fermo: 2:13

Yeah, and that's a big one, isn't it? The stigma, even though it is still, you know, it's it's been reduced somewhat, but it's still out there. You know, it's always still gonna be out there, you know, can I perform my duties for mental health? You know, I don't want to be one of those people being category guys in and or, or even when you heard you were having symptoms of PTSD from the clinician, what were your thoughts around that?

trudy dwyer: 2:40

Again, it was that mixed bag of Oh, really? Like, I'm that bad. But also against Actually, no, this explains why I feel like I do. This is actually kind of a reality check of I'm not It's not fake? It's not in my mind. It's not, you know, it's actually it. For me, it was real. It's almost like that validation that this is, it's been given a label, which I hate labels normally, but it's been labelled. So now let's get some help based on that label, as opposed to just suffer in silence.

Andy Fermo: 3:18

Yeah. And that's where, again, that, you know, it's like, you know, what, for many of our audience that have experienced, a traumatic incident or incidences that like that might have been, you know, associated with bullying, as well as is, the symptoms that present themselves, whatever you might have been exposed to, with the PTSD are the same as what you experienced, your trauma is held up and you know, from what you're saying, There truly, is that it's kind of like it, you don't want to be labelled. But then they have a sense of relief, of being able to go, Hey, look, they actually let's, let's just call a spade a spade, and it is what it is, but now I know what it is. I can take those actions to get better. And then from what you were saying, then you had to wait, but you got to see a psych in the meantime.

trudy dwyer: 4:12

Yeah, so I eventually saw the psych in the December and then in the February, I attended Perth clinic for two weeks doing their cognitive behaviour therapy, which for me, in some ways was way more traumatic than I expected because it doesn't just deal with obviously your current traumas and what you're currently experiencing. It just takes your whole life into account. Okay. And sometimes nobody ever wants to look at their shadows.

Andy Fermo: 4:39

And so it was it was it was it quite confronting then for you from from the sounds of it, having to open up many cans of worms

trudy dwyer: 4:46

100% Because it's not then just all the I suppose the childhood traumas that you're now confronted with and who you've been as a person or your life and why, but you send start to look at the physical repercussions of that This mental health situation whereby I had gained 20 kilos from cortisol dumping and from emotional eating, I was starting to eat, I had increased my alcohol consumption, and I've only ever been a social drinker. So looking at those types of things, not exercising, I'd almost become a recluse in my own house, because I just didn't want to be exposed to anybody. So you're not just assessing the what and the why, but you're looking at the current physical reality of how that's panned out in your life. Yeah, and that's another thing to then go and deal with.

Andy Fermo: 5:37

Yep. And so how did you deal with that? Look,

trudy dwyer: 5:40

I chose not to be medicated, I didn't want a band aid fix. And I saw having antidepressants anti anxiety medication as being a band aid fix, it's going to make me feel good for a little bit. But I actually wanted to get to the root of it and actually deal with my trauma from the grass level. And that was really difficult, because I knew that it was going to make my therapy journey longer. But it was something I was willing to commit to. So I tried to various means of alternative therapies. I've done everything from deep self hypnosis, kinesiology, sound, healing, meditation, breathwork, ice baths, you name it, I've kind of done it over the last, like, 18 months of my healing journey.

Andy Fermo: 6:28

Yeah. And so you've had to go with all these other ones now. So what is it that you've by by having a go at some of these other modalities that we're talking about? In the in the wellness industry, to moving away from sort of being medicated, or the pharma logical side of things? You know, you're seeing your psych, choosing to go a more holistic path? Is there any of those holistic activities? You know, what have you been finding for you personally, that has had more benefits than some of the others?

trudy dwyer: 7:03

Look, I think they've all benefited me in some ways. Definitely the breath work, like cannot talk about, and I listened to your podcast the other day, with the guys about the breath work. But I think, yeah, it's coming back to self, and really working out what works for you just on that day to day level. And breathing is something we all do, it's just being in control of that breath. And definitely the sound healing as well. I've found whether it's going to a professional sound healer and having, you know, the crystal bowls or different things, but even just listening to for 32 frequency music, as opposed to all the other crap that we can sometimes listen to, it's just getting you into that Zen zone. Yeah, really calms the central nervous system.

Andy Fermo: 7:54

And I think that's amazing, because I'll get into all that stuff as well and have tried many modalities as well. And I think what it is, is just coming, what your preference is, and what works for you at the time. Like, I think that there's benefits for all of them. And then we can do to gravitate more towards the other or I'm not sure about you, Trudy, if you go, Well, look, I'll try this for a little bit, then I'll just move on to something else and give that a go as well and see what benefits I can I could potentially get from, from being open minded to another form of of healing.

trudy dwyer: 8:27

Definitely. And I think that's ultimately what led me to the bib track walk is that I was trying all these different modalities. And I loved them all individually, but nothing seemed to gel in a concrete way, overall. And yeah, that's how the idea of the Bib track came about. And

Andy Fermo: 8:47

so was that, can you can you share about a little bit more about how they know where you are in therapy at the time when they came when when that, you know, the epiphany came and said, you need to do this. Laurie, it actually likes

trudy dwyer: 9:00

I'd obviously been having regular session. So as part of a poll, you have to have a doctor's certificate every two weeks. So I've been literally dealing with my general practitioner every fortnight, and then having supplementary psychology appointments, whether that's fortnightly or monthly in between, along with all the other modalities, but it was actually watching the movie Wild. With Reese Witherspoon, the story of Cheryl Strayed walking the PCT in America. And I'd watched it in the past, obviously, when it first came out, but what rewatching it with my husband, I said to him, this is more of a mental health journey that she is on. Maybe that's something I could do. And hubby laughed and said, what you're gonna go walk the PCT? And I said actually no, I was thinking something a little bit closer to home. And he's like, Oh, the bib track and I was like, Yeah, and he's like, how much and I'm like the whole thing and So he's looking at me weirdly, he knows that I hike and I enjoy my day hikes. I don't camp. And so he was kind of like, okay, well, we'll see how this goes. And I consulted with my both my doctor and my psych. And they were like, 100% Let's do it, we will support you the whole journey, you know, along the way. So, over the next couple of months, we planned the journey. Hubby bought me my tent, so he was encouraging me. I literally cooked and dehydrated all my like most of my food, and just did as much research as I could around. You know, how, how do I do this? What do I do?

Andy Fermo: 10:43

I'm gonna I'm gonna stop you then for a second just so for our audience, when we're talking about the moon track in Western Australia, can you just give a give a bit of an insight as to what the track is the length and so so that we know what you were training up for?

trudy dwyer: 10:56

Sure. So the Bibbulmun track runs from Kalamunda in the north in Perth eastern suburbs. Down to Alberni on the southern coast. It's 1000 kilometres in length 1002, I think is the official length based on the halfway metre mark which is 501 K's either way, and it's was designed to join a bunch of smaller tracks throughout the Perth southwest, great southern to become this one long track and it's actually world renowned and met a lot of international hikers on the track who comes to Australia to wa specifically to walk the beep track

Andy Fermo: 11:34

well and then so 1000 kilometres is a long way to be able to one sort of be at one with your thoughts and everything which we'll get to because we were talking about whether music or not, but talk me through this, you know you've rehydrating packs. You don't camp, you don't Gleb

trudy dwyer: 11:51

and don't do any

Andy Fermo: 11:53

Airbnb, maybe

trudy dwyer: 11:56

luxury, carrying almost not literally carrying my house and everything I need on my back.

Andy Fermo: 12:01

Yeah. And so along the Bibbulmun track, I believe there's sort of waypoints or like hearts,

trudy dwyer: 12:07

there are hearts at various points. And they differ in length. So there's different lengths between each heart. But each heart predominantly consists of some kind of two walled structure that provides shelter. And then there's a long drop toilet, and a rainwater tank.

Andy Fermo: 12:25

Wow. So it seems quite quite basic then. So what you're saying then Trudy, is that you you embarked on this challenge, that same from from the show from the movie that you watched was more of a mental health journey? Speaking then, from the with the specialists from you have noted that you'd had regular sessions with over the last 18 months, they thought that that that would also be a great way to define yourself and actually reflect on what you've been learning in those sessions with the specialist? Is that what you're saying?

trudy dwyer: 12:57

Definitely, yes. So my psychologist recommended a few things along the way, she told me to have a couple of photos of support. So I had photos of my family in the tucked in the back of my journal. And the other thing she said, was to keep a journal along the way as well. emergency contact numbers, so people that I could actually communicate with not always on the track, because you don't always have service on the track. But at least in the track towns that you go through, that I had a list of numbers that I could call on, as well as my doctor and my cycle on the way that should I ever need them that they would make like priority appointments for me should I need it?

Andy Fermo: 13:35

So if you had some insights, then you could give them a call whether it was good or bad. Now, that's, that's part of along the track naturally. So once you made that decision, to go into debt, give you that purpose, you know, you talked about planning before, like now, I'm not a canvas, I need to learn how to do this. And that planning phase? What was that, like in terms of your mental health? You know, that, you know, did you start walking again, you mentioned you've been put on weight, but in that previous time, from, you know, sort of stress eating, and stuff, getting healthy for the track again, what was that like, for your mental health, just even that part of the journey, it was

trudy dwyer: 14:13

it was awesome in the sense that just prior to me doing that I'd almost become agoraphobic in the sense that I couldn't even get out of bed, let alone my front door. And from a safety aspect. I couldn't walk on my own, like, I couldn't leave the house and walk on my own. Okay, that's the point I'd gotten to so that's how bad it had gotten to. And it was through a challenge that a girlfriend said to me, you know, let's do this five day challenge together. And my challenge was to actually go walking every day, just for a week to get me back out of the house. And that was around the same time that I watched this movie. So I think the universe was presenting me an option, like subtly in a way and so yeah, I started to slowly I walk every day. So I was walking a minimum of three k's a day, working up to five, working up to 10. And before all this and before even the beginning of the PTSD, and back in Leonora, I was walking five to 10 k's a day, as normal exercise. So that was nothing for me anyway. But later in the year, I joined. So just before Christmas, I joined the gym to start getting my strength, because I knew that carrying a pack would require some upper body strength, and also just the leg strength alone. I wish I had done more stair work, but that's another story. But yeah, just building up that strength and building up the endurance of like the daily walks as a start to getting the ready for the track.

Andy Fermo: 15:41

And so from what you're saying, though, like, it just took that initial, you need to work up towards it, you're not, you're not going to be you know, at fighting fitness straightaway. It's a process, isn't it to build up that standard 100%

trudy dwyer: 15:54

It's a process, but it did start giving me the competence. The one thing that set me back was that because of the hormone imbalance, despite doing all this exercise, to start watching my eating, and to control all of that, there was no physical change. So I didn't lose any weight. I didn't change any body shape, my clothes didn't feel any better. And that was really debilitating in initially, because I didn't feel like I was making any progress. So mentally, I was making progress. Because I was starting to get organised. I was, you know, had a plan. I had a goal. But physically, I wasn't getting the results. And so it was like, Oh, is this actually even going to work? But yeah, got to the first of April and I was already come hell or high water that this is I was embarking on this journey.

Andy Fermo: 16:45

Yeah. Right. And so that that must be a little bit, you know, you mentioned the hormone imbalance there. So can we just can you can use to sort of speak to that a little bit more so that we get our audience gets a little bit more understanding what's happening there.

trudy dwyer: 16:56

Yeah, just a cortisol dumping. I had literally put on a lot of that weight around my Mid Roof, which is where a lot of other people tend to get that cortisol dumping and the emotional eating, but he had literally altered my cortisol levels, my adrenal levels, and I couldn't rebalance them, the nervous system was so out of whack. I was in such this fight flight freeze mode, that every day was a struggle. And the the eating was so out of whack that the cortisol levels were still rising and still dumping as opposed to, you know, having everything balanced, everything settled, and just being like living your everyday life as easily as

Andy Fermo: 17:40

possible. Yeah, okay. Okay. So thanks for sharing that, because I think that that gives a little bit more, you know, sort of context around around what the Bibbulmun was about, you know, the mental health journey, to help reset your nervous system, you know, you've done the work to be able to get to a physical level there. But still, that those balances of the cortisol and, and that probably couldn't really be addressed until you're on the track 100%. And that's what part of the whole the whole, getting that purpose around embarking on that journey was being. So moving on to you know, you've done the work, you're in hell or high water, you're gonna be doing the track. You know, first day on the track, well, you know, once you got once you got left to your own devices, or did you start the trek by yourself?

trudy dwyer: 18:32

I did. I did the whole journey by myself. And I also did the whole journey with no music, no podcasts, no audio books. It was literally Me, myself and I on

Andy Fermo: 18:43

the track, and how did you feel like that first day when you got dropped off

trudy dwyer: 18:46

the first so my husband took me to Alberni, I actually did the reverse tracks, started in Alberni and walked up to Kalamunda. I did that for two reasons. One I wanted to finish back in Kalamunda, with my support network, and all my family and friends live in, in Perth. So I wanted to finish it Kalamunda to weather wise, it was better to do in April, May as it was getting colder to actually get away from the coast and away from those severe winds and storms, and be up in the hills by that time. And I had the nicer weather along the coast. So hubby le yet dropped me off on the first day and as I set off, and there was a sense of excitement and and also a sense of like anxiety of like, I had no idea what I was aiming for, or even if I could make it the whole way, or how far I would even make it but I was like, You know what, I'm just walking. I'm used to walking. It was hard the first day because I was not used to carrying you know, 18 kilos on my back, which is how that how heavy my pack was. So it was it was a mixed day on the very first day but just taking the time to kind of like you know what, I'm going to enjoy it like I'm here. I'm doing what I said I was going to do. And that's what I remember about the first day is like, actually just, I'm here. I'm doing

Andy Fermo: 20:07

what I said I was going to just himself talk there. Yeah, some positive self talk to positive affirmations. Yeah, all that training, you're there.

trudy dwyer: 20:17

I was there, I'd gotten there. And even the first night, I was alone in the heart. I set up my tent for the first time, cooked my food for the first time using my Jetboil. And had the silence and the peace and quiet and the darkness come like six, seven o'clock, like no lights, no TV, no phone, no, nothing, just yourself. And all I remember is just going to sleep that night going well. I'm here. This is the beginning. Whatever. However it unfolds. I made it here.

Andy Fermo: 20:52

Yeah. And so the volume is sitting up. That's all your stuff there for that first time, you know, was it a bit of a? Was it a bit of a train wreck? From what you've trained? Yes. Because

trudy dwyer: 21:04

I didn't train enough to like, have a routine and my routine did come down pat, like once you're on the track, and you're doing it every day setting up every day packing up, you get into that routine of how things work for you. And every hike is different. And I think the best advice I was given at the very beginning, was hike your own hike. And so it doesn't matter what other people are doing around you. It doesn't matter what other tips people have. take on board what works for you. And if you find a tip that works great use it. If you get a tip that you think not, that's not going to work for me. Ignore it. And so yeah, that first I look back now and yeah, you're right, that first day was a bit of a train wreck. But I got better as I went on. And yeah,

Andy Fermo: 21:46

you got better as you went on. And then so as you as you progress through. And so, you know, with 1000 kilometres, what was your projected time timeframe to 63 days,

trudy dwyer: 22:00

nine weeks? Nine weeks? Yeah, so most people do it somewhere in the 50 days ish, like between 50 and 60 days, I opted to have a rest day in every track town. Okay, so that I could allow myself time to recover, deal with anything I needed to deal with, and just have a hot shower and sleep in a warm bed. I did that for myself, I could have avoided some of those days. I also opted not to double heart. Now by double heart. I mean that most people walk from one heart to the other as part of their journey. Yeah, and double hunting means that you walk through one heart. You may have stop and have lunch there or a snack there. And then you walk on to the next Heart. So you complete two hearts in one day. And on the track. It's called Double hunting. I only did that three times in the whole journey. I could have done it more on some of the days. I opted not to Yeah, because I really do enjoy the journey.

Andy Fermo: 22:54

Yeah, and then that's what you were talking about before then truly you're doing in your own pace. Correct. It's your hike. It's your trek. Yes. No one else was going to be doing it because you're me alone and I pretty much Yep. And so when you you mentioned before that you had this policy on your particular how you wanted to do it was to be able to take that almost it's almost like self care time right is the stay at stay at whatever town or village along the way, have a day I have a lady there sleep in a warm bed so is that like sleeping in Airbnb top mode,

trudy dwyer: 23:30

staying in motels. Most of the time, the only place I had to camp was down at peaceful Bay kitchen stay in the caravan park down there. So I had to pitch my tent but even still just not having to pack up your tent the next day and be able to have that extra day of just relaxing and you know walking along the beach or just hanging around the caravan park made it worth its while

Andy Fermo: 23:50

and how Yeah, so how was on your on your journey with that and you had that time? How did that affect you mentally? Yeah,

trudy dwyer: 24:01

it was good for reflection time. So my treat was and I made this rule and people who know me know this about me but my my treat every time I got into town was put me in a pint. That was my that was my treat. I would have something close to or the best case scenario. Otherwise, most cases it was upon me and a pint. And for me that was just my reward of remembering to treat myself and honour the moment that I made it to this town and then I made it to the next town and then I made it to the next town. And if you don't stop and acknowledge those small moments along the way, that 1000 kilometres is a one big distance and even if I had to stop somewhere along the way due to injury due to giving up whatever the case may be, that I was just going to honour every point, major point that I got to along the way and that's the way I chose to do it. So doing that the first night or whatever that I got there was just celebrating that moment, and then the next day was like, right. Okay, what worked in that last leg? What are the last section? What didn't work? What can I do better? What can I leave behind? What do I not need? Out of my kit? Yeah, that I can maybe lighten my load a little bit. So a lot of self reflection and then preparation. Because each town I had a resupply box of food and supplies of just okay, emptying out what I don't need, adding in what I do need, and getting ready to start again.

Andy Fermo: 25:33

Now, that my nuts that's amazing to be able to so let's just unpack that for a moment or just to to go over what you said, because there's such a lot of important stuff is just acknowledging the small points along the way, like 1000 kilometres to try and do that in one you can do it in one go. It's lots of little bits accumulating to one massive length and yeah, and you had the time to do it, because that's what it was about, right. Secondly, is having some sort of almost like a ritual or something that you acknowledge with yourself as a treat, to be able to acknowledge and that you've come so far, and then also that time to be able to reflect and reset as well about what you need. Now something that was also intriguing to me then that you just mentioned is the you know, your supply boxes along the way. So did you have a supply box there, you know, was that part of the immediate support, or the was that something there that you knew that you needed to

trudy dwyer: 26:31

know so I did all my resupply boxes prior to starting so I spent one day driving from Perth to Denmark, literally dropping off all my resupply boxes at the Tourist Information Centres because they will hold your boxes for you knowing that you're an end to end Walker. So that had everything and I need a new toiletries or my food resupplies my new maps and guidebooks for the different sections I was walking, and whatever else I thought I may have needed, like new batteries, things like that. So they were all there ready waiting for me. And each town. My husband met me at Walpole. So he bought my resupply box to Walpole for me. Yeah. And then he also between dwellingup, and Kalamunda is a 200 kilometre leg, and there is no towns in that section. So you either have the opportunity of carrying everything you need for the time, it's going to take you to do that section, or you have what they call trail angels, to drop supplies off to you. And my husband was my trail Angel. So he dropped suppliers off at two different points for me.

Andy Fermo: 27:33

Wow, that's really cool to be able to know. And that's from that logistical point. Now, let's let's go to you mentioned as well Trudy before, like, you know, you had thoughts in your head, you you're walking along, and there's no, you had no music, no podcasts or, or devices to be able to, you know, your mind is wandering about little things. Now, you mentioned, you know, I'm thinking about my next book, what can I can do this, you know, can you? Can you speak to that a little bit, you know, how was that for you being able to just simplify everything and go, Hey, I'm just I'm walking, I'm carrying my own stuff.

trudy dwyer: 28:09

Yeah, each day was literally, you're responsible for getting from point A to point B, yeah, there is no one else that can do that for you, you have to pack up your own gear, because no one else is going to do it for you. So how long you take is going to affect the rest of your day are you going to get an early start. And I always tried to get up early, one of the things I absolutely loved on the track was getting up early, and starting, you know, sunrise, bang into the day. And then how late you get in is how fast or how slow you walk. So, you know, I opted to not spend too much time resting in the middle of the day where I could, because I prefer to get into camp early and set up early and you get your little routine of that. But on the track, if you come up against something hard, or you walk, you know, it could be half an hour in or an hour in or you know, even lunchtime and you're like, I can't be bothered, or you wake up going today's not a good day. There is no one else for you to do it by you. So you can either go into that spiral down of all the negative self talk, or you can start to talk yourself up. And I did have a song that was became my mantra, I'd often listen to it in camp at the end of the day, or just know the words or I'd say the course. And it's literally one step closer, one foot in front of the other. What's the song? I can't even think of the name. I'll have to give it to you so you can put it in the show notes. It's a beautiful piece, but yeah, it's just and I remember the last word, the last words of the course is like we'll get through this you're gonna be okay. Actually, it's I think that's what it's called. You're gonna be okay. And for me, that's what it was. It was literally just one step in front of the other. We're not looking at how many K's? Swing going, we're not looking at how many steps we're doing, it's literally one step in front of the other, and just need to make it to the next camp. And that's just what you had to do every single day, whether you liked it or not, whether you

Andy Fermo: 30:15

liked it or not, and that's, you know, that's part of the learning journey. And, and we talked, you talked before about that, you know, the cortisol level and the reset of your, your nervous system, as you're going along. You know, and, and obviously, you're, you're dealing with highs and low points throughout this. So I mean, like, there might be good days of positive self talk. And then from what I was hearing these days of, of negative self talk, but you got to the point, because you're just doing it yourself, you know, what was that? You know, how long along the track, you know, before you started noticing that difference in yourself, you know,

trudy dwyer: 30:49

um, the first time I really noticed the difference, even in the weight loss. So overall, on the track, I lost 12 of the 20 kilos that I needed to lose. And you weren't ever focused on that. Because while you're on the track, you're not thinking about whether you're losing or gaining weight. But the first time I noticed it was that I had my sister send me some thermals to Pemberton. And so I tried those thermals on to see if they fit and naturally you just look in a mirror, that's a girl thing. But I looked in the mirror, and I was like, wow, my body has changed shape. Now, I couldn't gauge how much I'd lost or weight wise or anything. But I could see that my body had changed shape. And I was like, Okay, there's been obviously a noticeable difference. But overall, I felt better. Each day, I just I started sleeping better. So there were a couple of nights that I would stay awake, I was hoping I had no night terrors that was one of my biggest fears going on the track is that my night terrors would wake up on the campus. But I was able to avoid that. Well, at least no one told me I had a night terror. But I did have a few nightmares. Along the way, I did have a little bit of insomnia. But for the most part, my sleep pattern regulated itself because obviously hiking in nature. And being out in the open and starting at sunrise finishing at sunset, your body naturally gets into that circadian rhythm that it's supposed to do. And so my body was, even though I was feeling the pain and feeling the soreness and dealing with all of that my body was actually getting back into its normal everyday circadian rhythm, which is something that had been lacking for an extremely long time.

Andy Fermo: 32:34

Yeah, and so that that would have felt pretty good then knowing you know, you're getting kind of back to the rhythm that you know that you felt in yourself with something that would be normal for you.

trudy dwyer: 32:47

100% Yeah, and I think just even the small things of waking up to a sunrise and being able to watch a beautiful sunrise or, you know, just experiencing the things along the way that you take for granted because we're so busy. internalising our thoughts and feelings or being distracted by social media or the scrolling or, you know, TV, whatever the case may be, whatever it is that we're distracting ourselves with, when you're on the track, you only have the here and now there is no outside influence. And you start to just observe the weather, listen to the birds, look at the trees, look at the foliage and stuff around you look at the beautiful coastline and just appreciate the here and now and so many of us just don't live in the moment. So mentally, it was just so therapeutic.

Andy Fermo: 33:40

You just described mindfulness right there right so just even just taking those things and appreciating what it is just hearing a sound or breathing in so you mentioned before that you'd like to get off early on the track once you packed up with your stuff. Now you know sort of wait I just recently did Dakota as well right so I'll pretend relate. But at that time in the morning, it's got it it's a special time of the morning hey you when you when you see the sunrise and you can smell the smells, you know that that puts you into good stead for the day as you were you know departing you know like being on

trudy dwyer: 34:20

your deed like even if you were cold like towards the end it started like the weather started to change and started to get a little bit chilly in the morning. But still those mornings were just so beautiful. That even now I've started to try and continue to get up early I'm not during the time I've been off on sick leave. I've not been an early riser. I struggled to get out of bed but now I'm trying to get out and and still capture those early mornings and the sunrises because it's such an important part of the day that most of us take for granted and we miss yet once you get the energy of the early morning. It just sets you up for the rest of the day and you can't help but feel good? Because you've had a good start to the morning.

Andy Fermo: 35:03

Yeah, well, that's it, it's good start early start, you can smell the smells and, and you know you you had 63 days to be able to get into that routine of what you were doing, you know, and set set a actually a habit and you have it or reset an old habit there of waking up early. And now how long has it been since you did the trick? So I finished on the third of June. Okay, so it's only been about six weeks. Yeah. So in that six weeks, you continuing on those, those, those patterns that you created during that 63 days is like, you know, I'm trying to get up early now. And I'm being you know, I'm gonna, you know, waking up early to start your day

trudy dwyer: 35:46

100%. Like you, I'm trying to get up early, daily movement. So even if it's only a three 3k Walk to go and get my coffee, which is super short, it feels like a two second walk, I'm finding that I need something a little bit longer five to 10 Ks to actually get back to that feeling of how I was on the track. But even just eating and appreciating your food, I think even even eating is one of the things that we get distracted by we have to be watching TV or scrolling on our phones or whatever, while we're eating instead of actually just eating your food and taking that moment to enjoy the food that we're consuming. Yeah, that's energy going into our body. And I tried to do that as well as to actually not be distracted. Like, you know, set the table so that have you noticed sitting having conversation over dinner, and not being distracted by any anything else while waiting for food. Or if I'm on my own, actually just appreciating that minute to you know, drink your coffee and drink it while it's hot and enjoy the coffee. The smells the aromas, what how it makes you feel when you drink it, as opposed to like, oh, yeah, this is just my morning coffee. And I'm that's what I do when Yeah, it'll get cold before I drink it because I'm too distracted with everything else. Yeah, and

Andy Fermo: 36:59

I think you do get a you know, sort of i that takes me I relive the moments there for for even the bits that the food that you get to really enjoy while you are on the track because you are limited in the resources that you can. So every every little comfort food or, or or meal that you have is much more appreciated. When that's all you got, right?

trudy dwyer: 37:21

I mean, I'm sorry. Uber Eats. Not as though, and I don't really eat processed food. But on the track, you do have to eat a certain amount of processed food because it's gone last year. And one of the things one of my favourite snacks was the old I call them plastic cheese sticks that you give your kids in their lunch boxes that in a salami stick became one of my favourite, you know, snacks on the track. And I just look forward to and it's like reminiscing to back when I was at school and feeling like a little kid. Now you wouldn't get me touching

Andy Fermo: 37:54

your 63 days.

trudy dwyer: 37:56

No, thank you. But you know, it's those moments that you just enjoy. I can remember sitting and eating that snack and taking five minutes and just enjoying the sounds and the views around me while I had that snack, before getting up and going again, I never ate them while I was walking. I was always like no take time, stop, reflect, keep moving.

Andy Fermo: 38:16

And then also gives you those, it gives you a reconnection to the positive to other paths, positive thoughts as opposed to negative thoughts from what's happened from lived experience. You know, when I was a kid, I enjoyed eating these things, you know, as in the tuckshop. And you're doing this thing that obviously now you're because you're not on the track anymore. But being mindful of those things and resetting the connection with no on that nervous system thread. That's what that's what all those little things that you're describing, are going towards. And they

trudy dwyer: 38:48

definitely and especially because I was an emotional eater as well then like I was trying to mask my feelings with food. Yeah. And then sometimes with alcohol, that literally not having any of that. And then actually being conscious of when you're eating while you're eating and what you're eating, that you actually start to. I notice myself now if I'm going to the fridge to get food. The first thing I asked myself standing in front of the fridge or the pantry is why am I here? Am I here? Because I'm hungry, or am I here because of something else. And most of us don't want to address that issue and go, it's for something else. Because then you have to go and sit in your feelings. But it's like, well, what else can I do? So if I acknowledge that I'm stressed, it's I will, I will either go for a walk or I will go and to put on some good music or I also hand draw mandolins or mandalas. And so I'll go and draw one of those or spend some time doing something else to calm my nervous system down, as opposed to just eight because that was an old habit. So being aware of that habit and breaking it.

Andy Fermo: 39:51

Yeah. Oh, that's really cool. And so just, you know, we've talked about how you had lots of insights along the track and how all those little Things have added towards you resetting your nervous system. How did it feel right? You mentioned before that you wanted to be arriving in Perth to family and immediate support and Kalamunda. How did that feel?

trudy dwyer: 40:13

get emotional even probably thinking about that. I actually had so the last day I woke up at Huberts Hill. That's the last Hutch before Kalamunda. And I stopped at the trail hub cafe. Michelle, who runs that cafe supports all into Enders and you get a DeVinci tea when you get there. And I sat and reflected there but the hallway from Hewitt's to the cafe I cried. Because I was like, this is the end I can't believe I've even like got this far. And then from the cafe through to about two kilometres. i It was so busy. It was a public holiday weekend. It was a beautiful Saturday. And there were so many people on the track. So there was just constant traffic like me saying walkers. And then about two K's out from the end, one of the gorgeous ladies from buddy up Australia, who is another organisation I'm part of, she met me on the track to walk me home to that last bit. And she was great. She was a great distraction, talking about different things about the track. And then we got to the bottom of the last hill. And she said this is this is your last hill. And I just remember that was it. I was in tears like going, oh my god, I'm literally so close to the finish line. And then I looked up and I could see my family waiting for me, cheering for me. So I had my husband, I had my son. And because my daughter doesn't live in Perth, she was on FaceTime with my other sister. I had my other two sisters there who each had my parents on FaceTime. And then my two nieces were also there with a big sign saying Welcome home, and just to have my whole family who have been my support network through this whole journey there to acknowledge what I done. And to just cheer me on was, it was a moment that I will never ever forget. Because it was that moment that you just, you finish, you did exactly what you said you're going to do. No matter how hard it was no matter. You know, the thoughts. I didn't want to do it. And I could have quit along the way, but just to complete it, and just feel like a new person at the same time that that's the old treaty gone. Yeah. And this is the new treaty starting

Andy Fermo: 42:33

and no one was going to take anything away from you or in your achievements.

trudy dwyer: 42:37

No. And the whole time I'd been on the track. When you finish the end to end you get to go ring the bell to say that you're an end to end. So you go and sign in the logbook, which you required to do along the way with Parks and Wildlife, and ring that bell and the whole time along the track when things got really really tough for I didn't think I could make it or, you know, I carried an injury for 200 kilometres, I had a blister halfway through, I face planted pea gravel on one particular day putting my teeth through my lip. Those moments, the only thing that got me through and that kept me going was ringing that god damn Bell. So to be able to go and ring that bell, and know what it meant was just such a moment that I think out of anything, having my kids graduating from the police academy, all the things I've accomplished in my life. That was the symbol of the hardest and the best thing I've ever done in my life.

Andy Fermo: 43:41

Yeah, well congratulations. And that's really nice to be able to hear that and have that self reflection, you know that that was just that that was just truly, truly I mean, like, not taking away from all the other beautiful moments that you've had. But that was just Oh, truly that

trudy dwyer: 43:55

was all me, there was no other person that could have helped me do that get me to do it or whatever it was my footsteps that walked that journey. And it was only me that could do it. So it's such a sense of achievement. Look, even if it was somebody who wanted to do a portion of the track. There are you know, there are so many smaller sections. Like if you can get onto the Bibbulmun track website and look at the different sections you can do. You can do a section and you would get the same accomplishment out of just doing that section if hiking and camping is not your thing than even doing a weekend kayak for a week to hike in just that sense of accomplishment and the grounding and being back in nature and what it does for you mentally physically, emotionally and with your nervous system is just

Andy Fermo: 44:42

priceless. Wow, man, like, makes me want to go into the track now. But and you know, and I know that we're also starting to be a little bit pressed for time, Trudy so I mean, thank you so much for sharing that part of the story there with you now, there's two other things so um, Having that reset. Just quickly, you've you've reset now Yeah, and you've been able to have that feeling and sense of accomplishment, Trudy's back, you've got your, you know, surrounded by your immediate support network. But that's not the only part of the story. I mean, like that was to help get some self sense of self now. So glad to hear from him, because there's still still a fair bit of the journey out now, to do that now. So did that experience help give you that resilience or impart that resilience on for this next part

trudy dwyer: 45:29

very, very much. So I've just received notification about the next steps in my medical retirement process. And some of the things I've had to be able to do inside of that, which includes writing a 11 page statement, I think it was about my old deal, and what has led me to this medical retirement process, I would not have been able to write that like three months ago, four months ago, before starting on the track, even understanding that this process is not going to be a short one, that there is going to be a time lag. In that process. It's given me the confidence that I can still be me, yes, I have. I don't like to say PTSD, because I don't like to say the disorder, I've experienced post traumatic stress, I will continue to experience post traumatic stress, probably for the rest of my life. But what I get to deal with now, powerfully, is my response to those triggers. So I can be triggered on a perhaps daily, weekly, monthly basis. But how I deal with that, and how it impacts the rest of my life. I'm in control of that now. And I feel like before, I wasn't in control of it, because that was affecting my everyday life. Whereas now I get to go, right? This is what I'm experiencing. I recognise it, I acknowledge it, thank you for showing up. But right now you get put back in the filing cabinet, and I get to go live my life powerfully. That's right. And and that's the greatest thing I've think I would have been able to learn as part of doing the track is that my future is in my hands. I get to create it. Yeah. With or without those triggers.

Andy Fermo: 47:15

Yeah. And that's right. And also acknowledging now that that that chapter, from from the policing point of view, that's that's pretty much nearly you know, that's, that's coming to its conclusion as well, it will, that aside there and in the good and the bad bits that you might have, but also knowing that you can respond and reflect on that time, in a much more, I suppose. mindful way.

trudy dwyer: 47:39

Yeah, a more mindful way. Because it won't always be positive. But I will be mindful. And I think the other thing for me is that having to give up a career, a very short career, because seven years is not a long time, it is seven years of my life, but it's not a long time in a big police career is that I am giving up a career I loved due to circumstances that were I think a little bit beyond my control. However, that doesn't mean I'm a failure. It doesn't mean I'm not good enough, it just means that I now get to serve my community in a way that's better suited to me and better suited to my community. And that's

Andy Fermo: 48:17

exactly and that's gross, right? That's a lot of growth right there and being able to acknowledge that, especially for our audience members out there that that will relate or have a connection to what's happened to you in your service. Now, so last bit, though, because we're very close, though, we talked about, you know, you're part of an NX services organisation, right, which came about as well. And you mentioned that one of the ladies come and met you, which was a buddy up in this instance here. So can you just speak speak shortly on in regards to, you know, having an organisation there that you can relate with and how that means to in your own sort of self care?

trudy dwyer: 49:01

Sure, buddy up came to me through an old colleague who has literally supported my journey to this day. And yeah, he suggested I go and meet with Eleanor who runs buddy up Australia, from Perth, and I met with her and I said to her look, I do live in regional WA, I'm not going to be able to be involved on a regular basis, however, just being part of something. And for me, it was social engagement, because what I found through this whole ordeal was that I had lost the social aspect of the colleagues at work or you know, friends and stuff because when you do deal with mental health, you become very reclusive. But with organisations like this dealing with first responders and veterans, is that you don't need to talk about your past experiences to just connect on a social level. And the fact that you buddy up Australia is very much about that social connection. So it's catching up for picnics, it's catching up for fun events. Catching up from daily movement, or, you know, going on hikes and stuff, and I don't get to do them all the time. But when I join in when I can come up to Perth and get involved, because the people I've met are amazing, and they are super supportive, and it's super fun just to have a nice day out with a bunch of people who get how you feel. Yeah, but you don't have to talk about don't

Andy Fermo: 50:23

have to talk about and also would, that's amazing. And and also, you can you can, you can take as much as little as what you want of the events that are like on the offerings that are there, you know, given your, you know, you're in regional areas. So if there's something on and works out for your schedule, go and do it.

trudy dwyer: 50:44

Yeah, and have regional chapters. So there are chapters all across Australia, including regional parts of Australia, just in my instance, there's not one in my immediate location, but I can, I'm close enough to Perth that I can come up and I know hubby. And I came up a couple of weeks ago, for another event, like a personal event and buddy up had their hike out at Bell's rapids with a picnic. And we both had a marvellous day, my husband came with me. So it's for both current and previous serving members. It's not restricted, and it's for families. So it's not just about the actual person involved. It's about the family. So we were there with kids, we were there with dogs, we were there with partners, and it was just as real vibe of energy and fun and social. And you would never know that this group, you know, we're all dealing with their own, you know, whatever they were dealing with on the inside, because non judgmentally Yeah, we were just all able to have a great time together and meet some amazing new faces. So well.

Andy Fermo: 51:43

Yeah. And that's it, you know, and that's what we talk about with all ex services organisation and buddy up who's doing amazing work around the country. And then also locally, so big shout out to you guys. But you know, whatever. The takeaway from that is that social engagement for whatever organisation, floats your boat, and that you feel a connection with is just go out there and give it a go. Right and take it

trudy dwyer: 52:08

Yeah, and just connect with other people. Because I think when we're dealing with mental health issues, those invisible injuries is that we are so reluctant to connect with other people, but it's the one thing we're craving the most. And I think just taking that initial step and going to even just one event, and going you know what, I'm gonna give it a go. If it doesn't work out, don't go back, or, you know, try something different. But it's that social connection, that you know, we're all friends on Facebook, and we connect with, you know, wishing each other happy birthdays or saying congratulations in each other's lives. And it's just that, yeah, that sense of connection that you you crave more than anything, and it's so good for your mental health.

Andy Fermo: 52:50

Awesome. Well, thank you so much, Trudy. Trudy Dwyer, ladies and gentlemen. I hope that you've had some amazing insights here. And thank you so much for coming on the podcast today, and sharing your story and your insights and your growth on your journey. So far,

trudy dwyer: 53:07

thank you so much for having me. And I hope that I'm inspired, even if it's just one person to get up and go for a walk or go for a hike and that I've made a difference to them. Thanks, Rudy.

Claire Fermo: 53:22

Join us next time for the next episode of the invisible injuries podcast. Don't forget to subscribe. For more great content, follow us on our socials on Instagram. And you could also visit our website www dot invisible injuries.org.au where you can access more content. Thank you for listening to invisible injuries.