Stop Saying Yes When You Mean No

Have you ever said you would do something and almost immediately wished you hadn’t agreed to it? Maybe you didn’t want to disappoint someone or seem selfish, but that reluctant yes left you overwhelmed, resentful, or without enough energy for what really mattered. When boundaries are missing, the effects can spill into every part of life—from work and home to friendships and family

In this episode, Sandy and Lanée get honest about why boundaries can be so uncomfortable, how to be firm without being unkind, and what Jesus can teach us about protecting our time, peace, and purpose. They also share some real-life boundary wins…and a few lessons learned the hard way.

If you’ve been carrying responsibilities, expectations, or problems that may not be yours to carry, this conversation is for you. Listen now…and share it with someone who needs the reminder that being kind doesn’t mean saying yes to everything!

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 "Imagine Yourself" is hosted by Lanée Blaise and Sandy Kovach—two dynamic voices with a passion for inspiring and uplifting others. Lanée, a TV writer, producer, motivational speaker, and podcaster, brings powerful storytelling and insight. Sandy, a radio personality, voiceover artist, and podcaster, delivers warmth and wisdom with every conversation. Broadcasting from the Detroit Metro area, they welcome guests from around the world to share valuable perspectives on health, career growth, faith, and personal transformation. Tune in and imagine the possibilities for your life!

Transcript

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Lanée Blaise [00:00:00 - 00:00:11]

Hello, everyone. Welcome to Imagine Yourself. I'm Lenee here with Sandy, and I have a huge statement to say directly to you today.

Sandy Kovach [00:00:11 - 00:00:12]

Dun-da-dun.

Lanée Blaise [00:00:12 - 00:00:57]

Dun-da-dun. You hold more power in 2 tiny words than you could possibly realize. It is your yes or your no that makes all the difference in the world. And we ask you to please take this journey with us today so that we can all truly embrace boundaries that will just change our life for the better, enhance our lives, elevate everything. Really, really honing in on our yes and our no and why it's so important. It'll be for the better. It might be a little painful, but hold on to your— Hold on to your handrails. We're going on this roller coaster.

Lanée Blaise [00:00:57 - 00:01:06]

Sandy, I have a question for you right out the gate. Why is saying no so difficult for so many folks?

Sandy Kovach [00:01:07 - 00:01:31]

Saying no is hard for a number of reasons, and they probably range in strength with the person you're talking to. But some possible reasons. First of all, we don't want to hurt somebody's feelings. I'd probably say that one right up front. We are taught that being nice, especially as women, that means we're agreeable and we want people to like us, right?

Lanée Blaise [00:01:31 - 00:01:31]

Yeah.

Sandy Kovach [00:01:32 - 00:01:55]

We fear that maybe we're being selfish. That kind of ties in. We confuse somebody's disappointment with evidence that we did something wrong. So we can't live with their disappointment. We can't live in that tension. We answer before considering what it might actually require. Sometimes we don't think about it. Here's one that I came across.

Sandy Kovach [00:01:56 - 00:02:09]

Being needed makes us feel important. Here's another one. Some folks have trained people to expect constant access. So that is my little list. And does any of those— do any of those jump out especially to you?

Lanée Blaise [00:02:10 - 00:02:20]

They jump out in a way. Everybody has like their Achilles heel, in my opinion. So I have this way of living where I love saying no.

Sandy Kovach [00:02:21 - 00:02:23]

So none of these are for you.

Lanée Blaise [00:02:23 - 00:02:50]

Well, but my Achilles heel is the people that live in the house with me. I do have trouble. It's a little harder for me to have the boundaries and saying no to people who, you know, my kids and my husband. But besides that, I love it. I don't know what's wrong with me. Something just clicked in my life at a certain age. And people do, you know, remember that we were talking about the little organization of midlife women, the I Do Not Care Club.

Sandy Kovach [00:02:50 - 00:02:53]

Yes, I love that. What's that girl's name?

Lanée Blaise [00:02:53 - 00:02:55]

I don't know. She's on Instagram.

Sandy Kovach [00:02:56 - 00:02:57]

She's awesome.

Lanée Blaise [00:02:57 - 00:03:20]

She's awesome. I wish— gosh, it's a shame. I don't know her name, but every time she pops up on my feed, I'm like, yes, let's be part of the I Do Not Care Club. Because what you said as far as hurting people's feelings, wanting to be liked, not wanting to disappoint people, Again, besides the people who live in my house, none of those things bother me anymore.

Sandy Kovach [00:03:20 - 00:03:28]

Oh no. Okay. Well, that's good though, because I probably have 4 or 5 of those that still bother me.

Lanée Blaise [00:03:28 - 00:03:55]

I wonder if part of the component of saying no when you want to say no and only saying yes when you really want to say yes and establishing those boundaries, there is a little secret that I just want to tell everybody. Some things that you think are going to hurt other people's feelings, they'll be fine. They'll be all right. I mean, I hate to like, or even they might feel a little pinched up. I like that word too. I always say, I know you might feel a little pinched up when I say this to you. But—

Sandy Kovach [00:03:55 - 00:03:57]

Oh, and you warn them first.

Lanée Blaise [00:03:58 - 00:04:26]

Yeah, I'll warn them. And then people start to get ready for whatever Lenee is about to say after this pinched up intro. You know, here's her disclaimer again. So I know you feel a little, you might feel a little pinched up about this. But whenever we have— these are like my little core group of friends— whenever we have outings, when it gets like to 9 o'clock, I'm gonna tiptoe out and go home. And they're like, but it's just starting. I'm like, yeah, I— my boundary is bedtime. Yes, it's really important to me.

Lanée Blaise [00:04:27 - 00:05:00]

And my husband too, like, he will probably leave without me because he's got good boundaries too. He'd be like, well, if you're not leaving now, then I'll just see you home. Find your way home. So it's, it's, it's something about— I think we get in our heads, we think, oh my gosh, they're really gonna hate me, they're really be upset, they're really going to be so hurt, when they're really just going to be a little pinched up, and then they'll be fine. And think about it with us too. Like, some things that might really bother us may not bother others, or sometimes it's a win-win. Here's another one, Sandy, we were supposed to do this episode last week.

Sandy Kovach [00:05:00 - 00:05:01]

Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:01 - 00:05:34]

And boundary— I was thinking, how ironic is it that the topic is boundaries? And I was going to try to break my neck to go ahead and do Per the schedule that we had set up. And then I was like, I hate to say it, Sandy might be a little pinched up, but she's going to be fine. I'm going to just call her and tell her today is just not worth it. There are too many things coming at me. I don't think it'll come out the right way. I don't think we'll be able to serve the listeners the way that we want to. Let's just postpone it. And see, you're fine.

Sandy Kovach [00:05:34 - 00:05:36]

Yes. I wasn't even pinched up.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:36 - 00:05:44]

It might have even been a win-win. Maybe you had things to do too. People don't think about that too. Maybe my canceling that day gave you the opportunity to get some things done.

Sandy Kovach [00:05:44 - 00:05:51]

This was a way better day for me, actually. But remember, you were going to be traveling today. So— True.

Lanée Blaise [00:05:51 - 00:06:03]

And that was another one. I was supposed to travel and I— it was for a film shoot. And I'm like, so you all might be a little pinched up because I know the shoot date. It actually did start yesterday. So And it is— they're shooting right now.

Sandy Kovach [00:06:03 - 00:06:05]

You have to pinch them up too?

Lanée Blaise [00:06:05 - 00:06:23]

Yeah. I was like, my other schedule for some other projects that I'm working on, it's just not going to work out for me to fly out yet. So I'm going to push my dates back and I'm going to pray for y'all and you're going to have a great shoot. And I'm going to check in with you each morning and each evening because I'm not the director. So you guys will be fine.

Sandy Kovach [00:06:23 - 00:06:24]

Yeah. Okay.

Lanée Blaise [00:06:24 - 00:06:27]

Okay. I bet you didn't know that's why I was able to—

Sandy Kovach [00:06:27 - 00:06:28]

yeah, that's why I was able to— Because boundaries.

Lanée Blaise [00:06:29 - 00:06:30]

Boundaries.

Sandy Kovach [00:06:30 - 00:06:31]

Because boundaries.

Lanée Blaise [00:06:31 - 00:07:16]

Every time I ignore the boundaries, something actually goes wrong or worse, or I have such resentment, or the other person doesn't even appreciate it, or it just goes round and round. I know this is not exactly the way we planned for this episode to go, but I just had to just put it out there. The big secret is people will be all right. And if you do say it with kindness and firmness, that's the other part, Sandy. There's not a whole lot of— I'm not giving a whole lot of room for let's debate about it, or, oh, I'm just wishy-washy. It's like, hey, Sandy, or hey, film folks, I'm not going to be able to do it this particular way. But here's what I can do. And here's what I will do happily and gracefully.

Sandy Kovach [00:07:17 - 00:07:17]

And everyone moves on.

Lanée Blaise [00:07:17 - 00:07:21]

I appreciate your understanding. And they move on. Yeah. And if they were to say—

Sandy Kovach [00:07:21 - 00:07:22]

they deal with it.

Lanée Blaise [00:07:22 - 00:08:09]

Yeah. If they were to say, you know, it's life or death, and if you don't come, okay, then I will, then I'll reevaluate it. But It is actually rare that people will, unless they are, quote unquote, kind of that type of person, which there are those. But most people, if they see a reasonable way through, they're like, okay, yeah, we, you know, you're not the director, you'll be able to figure out, or with Sandy, you know, you'll be able to rearrange the schedule, we'll do it a few days later. But it does bring up, Sandy, you and I were kind of talking before we got here about how do you handle a person who doesn't really want to respect your boundaries and where they're, they're making it seem like they're not just pinched up, but like you are actually just wrecking their lives if you don't do what they want. Oh my gosh.

Sandy Kovach [00:08:09 - 00:08:26]

Or somebody who, they just don't have a sense of it. Maybe it's not even that they don't care, but I think we all know people in our lives that just for whatever reason, maybe something when they grew up, maybe their life circumstances, They didn't get the boundaries memo.

Lanée Blaise [00:08:27 - 00:08:54]

Yeah. And that is really hard because in those cases, I never advocate being cruel. I don't. Okay. And I don't advocate just hardcore abandoning people. But I do still want to press forward towards healthy boundaries, towards saying no with a firm and a kind And a loving no when necessary.

Sandy Kovach [00:08:55 - 00:08:59]

It's interesting. Yeah, I saw a post from Derwin Gray, who we both, I think, follow.

Lanée Blaise [00:09:00 - 00:09:01]

I love that pastor. Yes.

Sandy Kovach [00:09:02 - 00:09:11]

Yes, he has a big church in North Carolina. And I think he also— he's like an influencer, and his sermons are obviously on podcast.

Lanée Blaise [00:09:11 - 00:09:11]

Author.

Sandy Kovach [00:09:11 - 00:09:20]

Author. Yeah, he's had some good books. My son did a book report on one of his books in 10th grade, which was like, all right, he's on the right track. Was it The Good Life?

Lanée Blaise [00:09:22 - 00:09:23]

Is that what—

Sandy Kovach [00:09:23 - 00:09:24]

I think that's what it is. I can't remember.

Lanée Blaise [00:09:24 - 00:09:25]

The book called The Good Life, but yeah.

Sandy Kovach [00:09:25 - 00:09:59]

We used to drive around and listen to Derwin Gray sermons, you know? So yeah. Anyway, so Derwin Gray, highly recommend Googling him if you don't know him. So anyway, he's posted, healthy boundaries are not the opposite of compassion. Healthy boundaries help compassion remain sustainable. Compassion doesn't mean absorbing someone else's pain until you're exhausted, anxious, and emotionally drained. Empty. You can care without carrying. You can listen without owning.

Sandy Kovach [00:09:59 - 00:10:16]

You can love without becoming their savior. And Jesus already has that job. Staying emotionally available without being absorbent. Recognize your limits. You are not a professional therapist or a pastor. Their pain matters, but it isn't yours. Okay, so I said a lot there.

Lanée Blaise [00:10:18 - 00:10:22]

Yeah. And even for folks who are professional therapists, they have to have boundaries too.

Sandy Kovach [00:10:22 - 00:10:22]

Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:10:22 - 00:10:33]

And they can't absorb all of their clients, because it can truly affect them in a negative way. And that's not what God designed any of us to do.

Sandy Kovach [00:10:34 - 00:11:32]

No, we can be there for somebody. And we don't want— like you said, we don't want to be mean. And some people legitimately, like a friend of mine was just telling me about someone in their life who, who calls a lot or texts a lot and needs financial assistance, or just something else now has happened in their lives that whether it's physical or mental, and they legitimately just have problem after problem. What do you do in cases like that? When, you know, I guess you look to some of the advice from Derwin Gray's post and do what you can, but you're not Jesus. And, you know, you're not a therapist. If you can help them financially, if they need that, if that's doable for you, by all means. You know, God talks a lot about being generous. But sometimes, and in the case of this person that I was referring to, The person that was asking, you know, kind of became manipulative about it and kind of tried to sneak their way into getting money, even if they weren't intentionally doing that.

Sandy Kovach [00:11:32 - 00:11:35]

Do you know what I mean? Maybe they just didn't realize what they were doing.

Lanée Blaise [00:11:36 - 00:12:24]

That's— and that's the part too, where you kind of mentioned it earlier, we're all wired very differently. And we have to remember that some things that we would never do ourselves, Other people just didn't learn to catch, you know, where you're supposed to read the room, where you're supposed to actually consider the other folks. It's not— it shouldn't just be a one-way, one-way giving and one-way receiving. It should be give and take. I like what you're saying. I have a friend of the family situation, longtime friend of the family. This person has— it's very similar. Like, my heart actually feels for her because she does have a lot of hardships that are just unfair in this world, some of which she brings upon herself, if I want to be perfectly honest, and some that she doesn't.

Lanée Blaise [00:12:25 - 00:12:46]

If unchecked, she will just keep coming back for help over and over, for financial help, for almost like therapy help, for advice on all kinds of things. And it does become overwhelming. If this is maybe my daughter, I guess I'd be, you know, maybe more willing to—

Sandy Kovach [00:12:46 - 00:12:47]

That's different.

Lanée Blaise [00:12:47 - 00:13:15]

You know, that's your child. You're supposed to show them the way. But this is a grown adult who has to find her own path. But I also do have a heart, so I will help in some ways. But I, I'm in a process of trying to train her to depend on me less. I'm like, hey, I know that right now you, you definitely need this financial help, and you're really at your wit's end, and you need to talk some things through. And we can do that. I have time and I have space for that right now.

Lanée Blaise [00:13:16 - 00:13:41]

But please remember, after we have this conversation, I'm not always openly accessible to you. I get busy also. And I just want to make that very clear. And she's like, okay. And then she also will be like, well, hey, I can reach out to some of the other family members. And I'm like, please don't. I have a protectiveness. I don't want it to be like, well, if Lenee's not accessible, then I'll reach out to her sister.

Lanée Blaise [00:13:42 - 00:14:12]

No, no, no. Let's just, let's learn to try to manage some things on your own. And nobody's life is going to be perfect. So remember that. And I'll help you through some of these hurdles, but don't always come back. Like, it's just setting up some perimeters, some boundaries, some lanes so that she won't be surprised. Because that's the other part too. To be fair, people, who ask you something, they don't want to be blindsided by you.

Lanée Blaise [00:14:12 - 00:14:47]

You were helping and helping and helping, and then all of a sudden you're just like, no. You can ease into it. For those people who are wondering, how do I get going? Start with a few small boundaries at the beginning, and then you can build your way up. And then they start to really recognize, this is a new Lenee, or this is a new Sandy. This is a new person who— I used to be able to just always kind of descend upon them and extract what I wanted. And now— Yeah, it feels like that. Sometimes it really feels like that. Like, you— when you see their name pop up on caller ID, you start to cringe inside.

Lanée Blaise [00:14:47 - 00:15:26]

You start to get anxious. You start to wonder, what now? I don't want to feel that way about this person, you know, these people anymore. I know now that I've set up a posture of— they know that when they reach out to me, I might be able to help them. I might not. I might answer the phone. I might not. I might let it go to voicemail and wait until I feel physically and mentally ready for whatever it is they have to reach back out. And even though they will have it where there's a fire starting, the sky is falling every single time, that does not mean that I'm going to participate in that chaos.

Sandy Kovach [00:15:27 - 00:15:47]

Because some people sort of perceive things that way. There may not be a fire starting, but in their minds, maybe it is. And you can't be the fireman all the time. So they have to learn how to deal with the fire. Or the savior. Or the savior, like Gerwin Gray said. It's a tough line to walk, but I like what you're saying. You don't wanna just pull the rug out immediately.

Sandy Kovach [00:15:48 - 00:16:06]

Set up some parameters, be as honest as you can, and do it in love. Because you don't, you love this person, or you like them, or you respect them, or, you know, whoever this person is in your life. If you are reaching out and helping them, chances are you do care about them. I mean, you're not gonna do this for somebody random, right?

Lanée Blaise [00:16:06 - 00:16:06]

Yeah.

Sandy Kovach [00:16:06 - 00:16:30]

So you do want to be able to see that text message and not cringe. And I like that too about not answering back. I mean, you don't have to text back right away or call back or pick up the phone. Give yourself time to process it and think it out. Because if they're in the middle of the fire and you jump right in there with them, then you're probably gonna get all upset. Because that rubs off.

Lanée Blaise [00:16:31 - 00:17:12]

And also remember, by you not necessarily answering the phone or responding back to the text immediately, it's another way of slowly teaching them, I am not always accessible. They will have to figure some things out. They are a grown adult. So now this family friend that I'm talking about, she knows that she will text me and I will get back to her later. Many times, to your point, she has already figured out and resolved whatever the fire and problem was. You know, and other times she— so she has learned. I used to just jump and run and Lenee was my go-to person. But now that's, you know, sometimes like, dang, Lenee takes a little while to respond back.

Lanée Blaise [00:17:12 - 00:17:39]

Kind of slow to respond. But she, you know, she has learned that. And it's— I think that's healthy also. And here's another one. It's not always people, organizations. Let me tell you, now that my kids are grown, doesn't even matter. But the PTA. You know, when you're like, when your little kids are in elementary school or whatever and the PTA is like, can you serve on this committee? Can you come help set up for the school dance? Can you chaperone? Can you do— so some things that I really like doing, I'll say yes.

Lanée Blaise [00:17:39 - 00:18:08]

And I'll start off like at the beginning of the year, I am willing to participate and serve in this capacity. And then they're like, oh, wow. And they sometimes they try to butter you up. You did such a great job at such and such. How about if you do such and such? I'll say, no, no. And you say it with a smile, and but you're shaking your head no. And like, they're kind of like, but it'll only take up such and such amount of your time. No, I really enjoyed the thing that I do, or the part that I served before, or that I do the— but that's it.

Lanée Blaise [00:18:09 - 00:18:16]

I'm done. That's all my capacity can hold because I have some projects I'm working on. I have other things. Or you don't even have to explain.

Sandy Kovach [00:18:16 - 00:18:21]

Yeah. And if they want to gossip about you, let them do it. Like Mel Robbins, let them.

Lanée Blaise [00:18:21 - 00:18:22]

That's right, let them.

Sandy Kovach [00:18:22 - 00:18:23]

Let the other moms.

Lanée Blaise [00:18:23 - 00:18:40]

And yeah, and guess what the gossip would be? This— because this is the part, like I said, sometimes we get in our own heads. Guess what the gossip would be? Lenee did not want to volunteer for the such and such. I can't believe it. Yep. That's the worst they could say. I asked her nicely and she still said no.

Sandy Kovach [00:18:41 - 00:19:06]

They have, whether it's schools or churches or organizations, they have a way of volunteer shaming. Like, they'll, you know, you'll hear this, You know, only 20% of the people do all the work, you know, and it's probably true. And, you know, there are some seasons in your life where you'll be the 20%. And there are some seasons where you can't be that. And I'm not saying all organizations do that, but that's something you hear, right?

Lanée Blaise [00:19:07 - 00:19:07]

Yeah.

Sandy Kovach [00:19:07 - 00:19:43]

And yeah, if you can volunteer, that's a great thing. Be involved in your child's school, be involved in your church, be involved in charity organizations. But if you can't, you can't. And you're just gonna have to let them, as far as if people are gonna talk about you. Or I have a friend who is in her son's PTA, and she said it was just so toxic, just the way that this particular group of moms were, that she just didn't wanna have any other, any part of it. And it wasn't even a matter of time for her. She gave a no because she had to take herself outta that atmosphere. And sometimes it's like that.

Sandy Kovach [00:19:43 - 00:19:47]

Allow yourself to say no if the atmosphere is not right for you.

Lanée Blaise [00:19:48 - 00:20:37]

I love that example, especially because we are really talking about your yes is your yes, your no is your no. And sometimes that yes can cost you so much. It can cost you your peace, it can cost you your time, it can cost you your marriage or your own children if you're not careful, because then you're just always frustrated. And then it's also closing off doors for things that God meant to be your yes, even if it's in the church. Oh, well, the church, they, you know, we need ushers and we need people to come to serve at this and this. Yes, but God wanted me to serve with the Sunday school children because God knows that's where— I'm making this up because I am not— children is not my thing. But, you know, but I love my nieces and nephews and I liked my kids when I was raising them. But yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:20:37 - 00:20:55]

You liked your kids. I don't want to go. to Sunday school and teach, you know. But if that were mine, you know, and that's a boundary, right? So, if they ever ask me that, I'm like, no. And what about the babies in the nursery? Yep, I love babies. They're cute. I— nope, that's— I don't wanna do it. But if that is yours, you know, you do that and you say no to some of the other things.

Lanée Blaise [00:20:55 - 00:21:25]

There is a place for you. And if you say yes to some of the things that God never intended for you to do, you have accidentally closed the doors to the purposes and opportunities that God did have for you. There was somebody waiting for you that you would have been able to help and bless and nurture. And because time is limited, you have accidentally closed the door on that blessing.

Sandy Kovach [00:21:25 - 00:22:07]

Yeah. And you know what, and this can happen at work too. And I'm willing to bet that there are people out there, and especially with technology the way it is, and they're accessible, their company email is on their phone, or all the ways people can get in touch with you. People working from home, like I work from home. It doesn't mean that I'm not working, which sometimes people might think, you know, hey, can you go out and do this? I mean, you're at home, right? So that could be one thing. But people are— and I have to say, our generation is probably a little bit too much of a workaholic generation. We're getting better. I feel like the millennials and the Gen Zs, and I know sometimes people make fun of Gen Zs of being too slacked off.

Sandy Kovach [00:22:07 - 00:22:08]

And maybe they are.

Lanée Blaise [00:22:08 - 00:22:09]

I don't know.

Sandy Kovach [00:22:09 - 00:22:10]

I don't know. Maybe they're—

Lanée Blaise [00:22:10 - 00:22:34]

Maybe they, maybe they have something there with boundaries again. They're like, we are here to live life as well, not just work. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe we can learn from that. And even too, you mentioned earlier about women also, like sometimes women are taught to be people pleasers and, you know, to say yes to things and be a nice lady. And being nice is saying yes. And that is not true.

Lanée Blaise [00:22:35 - 00:23:15]

That is just not true. Being nice doesn't mean saying yes to stuff you don't want to do. And I want to give a little credit to my dad here. He has all these daughters. He wanted a son so badly. So bless his heart, he and my stepmom, we finally got my brother at the very end. But he had all these daughters. And I guess it never occurred to him to teach them to be nice little girls, he was just like, I guess since I didn't initially have sons, I'm going to just teach them like I would teach— So he kind of taught us, like, first of all, don't really be super impressed by anybody.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:15 - 00:23:37]

I was like, okay, like, if the superstar walks in, I don't know, singer, actor, whatever, they're just a person too. You can wave and say hi and move along. It's like, okay. But another one is he's like, somebody will ask him to do something. And it's just, he's a very generous person. My dad's very generous, but it's just not that particular thing. It's just something he doesn't want to do. It's, he's not feeling it.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:37 - 00:23:42]

It's not coming organically. And he's like, no, I'm not going to do that.

Sandy Kovach [00:23:42 - 00:23:44]

And that's it? No, I'm not going to do that.

Lanée Blaise [00:23:44 - 00:24:20]

That's it. And it's like, end of sentence. But everybody still loves him and likes him. So I like to pull my inner dad out of them and be like, even nice things, be like, hey, do you want to go off? We can go to the beach and do such a— but I'm thinking about work I have to do. No, I'm not going to do that. And they're like, why? And then now they kind of laugh too, like, LaNae just didn't even— and my daughter says too, she's like, Mom, you have no shame. That's the other part. Remember we talked about shaming folks or guilting them into doing things? If I say no, I have no guilt.

Lanée Blaise [00:24:20 - 00:24:42]

I have no shame. I just figure, once again, They'll be all right. They're going to have a great time at the beach without me. They don't need me there. They were inviting me. That was nice. But, or in my case, the Sunday school kids, they're going to find somebody else who loves kids and children to run that. I would prefer facilitating a Bible study with grown women or, you know, do that type of fellowship.

Sandy Kovach [00:24:42 - 00:24:43]

Which you did a great job of.

Lanée Blaise [00:24:44 - 00:24:44]

That's how we met.

Sandy Kovach [00:24:45 - 00:24:45]

I know.

Lanée Blaise [00:24:45 - 00:24:46]

That's how we met.

Sandy Kovach [00:24:46 - 00:24:49]

With Lenae facilitating a Bible study.

Lanée Blaise [00:24:50 - 00:24:55]

See, as opposed to being over there babysitting the kids, you know, then I would have never met you.

Sandy Kovach [00:24:55 - 00:24:59]

you. Bam, there'd be no podcast. That's a perfect example.

Lanée Blaise [00:24:59 - 00:25:42]

See, I would've said yes to the wrong thing and missed this opportunity right here. So I have no guilt and no shame for the things that I don't do. And I have gratitude for the things that I do say yes to. And I want people to say that to themselves too. Like, remind yourself, I do say yes to lots of beautiful, wonderful, important things in this world. I do give of my heart and time. in certain instances, but I am not giving my whole self away. And I'm definitely not giving myself and my time and my resources and my energy to things and organizations and committees that I don't want to and I don't feel called to.

Lanée Blaise [00:25:43 - 00:25:50]

The only time is when God calls you to, and then you're like, I didn't really want to, but God called me to do it, so I'm gonna do it because there must be a bigger purpose.

Sandy Kovach [00:25:50 - 00:26:17]

That's a big exception. If you feel the Holy Spirit leading you to do something that you wouldn't normally do, that's a definite exception. But here, and here's another thing. Let's say that you said yes to leading this XYZ committee, but really God kind of had somebody else in mind, and now they don't get to do it because you took it because you felt guilty, or, you know, whatever. I know you don't feel guilty, but let's say in another world.

Lanée Blaise [00:26:18 - 00:27:10]

You have hit it right on the head. I want— if we're going to get in our feelings about stuff or overthink stuff, let's overthink in that direction. Let's be like, wait a second, if I get so guilty and shamed into doing this, then I ended up accidentally taking this beautiful opportunity away from Sally, you know, then I have really royally messed up. And then let's put even more Now I have to go back to the folks who had— at the organization who had kind of guilted me into doing it and say, I am so sorry. I know that you just asked me this yesterday. It's only been one day, but I'm going to actually have to retract my statement and say, I thought about this, I slept on it, and I prayed about it. And this is not meant for me to step into this role. I know that means you'll have to keep searching and, you know, we'll pray for the best person.

Lanée Blaise [00:27:10 - 00:27:14]

But I know there is someone else who is meant for this. spot, and it's not me.

Sandy Kovach [00:27:14 - 00:27:15]

Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:27:15 - 00:27:32]

I just want us to take back our power, take back our voice, take back our mind. Don't let our mind spiral into this, oh my gosh, they need me. Oh my gosh, everything will fall apart if I don't just step in and do it. I may as well because I always have. Let's be fresh. Let's be new. Let's be different.

Sandy Kovach [00:27:33 - 00:27:36]

Are we thinking of ourselves more highly than we ought, Linné?

Lanée Blaise [00:27:37 - 00:27:43]

Oh, you're saying, were we originally thinking too highly of ourselves? Is that what you meant? Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Sandy Kovach [00:27:44 - 00:27:55]

Like, maybe we think we're so important that, well, I better do it because gosh, who else could do it? I mean, they asked me, so I must be— darling, I must be the person.

Lanée Blaise [00:27:55 - 00:28:29]

Yeah. Sometimes in our brain, that little part of us does pop up and we need to shove her over to the side and tell her, please step back, ma'am. We don't need you and all your fancy thinking. No, I am practicing my no. I'm practicing saying no because I don't wanna do something and be resentful about it. I don't wanna do something and be overwhelmed by it. I don't wanna do something and be doing it and not have a cheerful heart. You're supposed to be a cheerful giver—

Sandy Kovach [00:28:29 - 00:28:29]

Mm-hmm.

Lanée Blaise [00:28:30 - 00:28:40]

Of your time, and your money, and your resources. I want to be a cheerful giver. And I can already feel that This is pressing me in a way that God is not asking me to be pressed.

Sandy Kovach [00:28:40 - 00:28:59]

So, yeah, no. So it can come from any direction. It can come from work, it can come from friends, it can come from family. And we are not saying don't be of help and do what God calls you to do. And we're not telling you say no to everything. And, um, well, Lene might be saying—

Lanée Blaise [00:28:59 - 00:29:01]

Practice. I mean, just for fun, just do it for a whole day.

Sandy Kovach [00:29:01 - 00:29:02]

No, say no to everything.

Lanée Blaise [00:29:03 - 00:29:08]

say no to everything. They have movies about that. I almost want to say Jim Carrey was in one.

Sandy Kovach [00:29:08 - 00:29:13]

Jim Carrey was— he couldn't lie for a whole day? Oh, he couldn't lie for a whole day. Or then he was the Yes Man.

Lanée Blaise [00:29:13 - 00:29:56]

Yeah, that's the one I think I'm getting at. And then there's Yes Day. I know there was Yes Day where the parents were going to say yes to everything their kids said. And then I know Shonda Rhimes wrote a book called The Year of Yes, where she started to say yes to all these things because she used to always say no. So I guess I want to say, know who you are. But I bet most of us need to have a year of no or a day of no or something like where we could only say no and to just practice it for a day or for whatever, because it starts to feel so freeing once you get the hang of it. I'll admit, at the beginning, it feels very crunchy and not happy. It's just like, ugh, and you're processing and you're overthinking.

Lanée Blaise [00:29:57 - 00:30:08]

Worrying what the other person's thinking and what are they thinking about you. And then it just— I don't know, that starts to drop off over time. And you start to just be like, they'll be all right.

Sandy Kovach [00:30:09 - 00:30:10]

Yeah, absolutely.

Lanée Blaise [00:30:11 - 00:30:42]

I said even the part with like folks in my home that I live with, my husband, he's gonna probably be like, what in the world, Anae? But there are many times when I'm cooking dinner or whatever. And he'll be like, I don't know, I'm just making this up. But he's like, do you have hot sauce? Oh, and I look in the cabinet and it's one drop left. It's basically— and it's all dried up. I'm like, dang it, we don't have hot sauce. I got to throw it in the trash. And he's like, oh, but I mean, I need hot sauce for this meal. I wonder if one of us should just run to the store real quick and get it.

Lanée Blaise [00:30:42 - 00:30:54]

I'm like, you'll be all right. And he's like, Lenee, I hate it when you say that. But he also is laughing, so he's fine. Do you know what I'm like?

Sandy Kovach [00:30:55 - 00:30:56]

Yeah, yeah, fine. Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:30:56 - 00:31:05]

And sometimes he says it back to me, like, I don't know, we're about to go out of town and we didn't cut the grass or whatever, and then we're going to get back, it's going to be overgrown, right? He's like, you'll be all right.

Sandy Kovach [00:31:06 - 00:31:32]

Yeah, little things like that. If you just blow them off, that's another part of thinking about saying no, is just not overworrying, being anxious for nothing. I guess God in the Bible is maybe not specifically talking about hot sauce and not doing the grass, but you could use it in that because we stress about all kinds of things. And then your mind starts racing. Well, grass is gonna get overgrown. What are the neighbors gonna say? I don't know.

Lanée Blaise [00:31:32 - 00:32:21]

It's like, we're gonna be all right. Just pull yourself back to a nice centered spot where the things that really matter will be taken care of. And these little extraneous things We'll be all right. Keep the boundaries. Biblically, Jesus had some very strong boundaries as well. The things that mattered to him was getting up in the morning and getting away from all the other people, even his disciples, and praying to the Lord in quiet and peace to keep himself centered and ready for what the day was going to bring. What he also did was he would be willing to pivot. If he was about to go speak to a group and someone came and needed him right then, he could take the moment to listen for God.

Lanée Blaise [00:32:21 - 00:32:52]

Which way am I supposed to go? And the folks who were supposed to hear whatever he was going to say, they will be all right. He'd left some margin in his day for unexpected things to happen. He had forgiveness. He had boundaries. The way that Jesus reacted to things is just so different from the way we tend to think about things. We're like, oh, well, we should never get angry. Well, yes, Jesus got angry when the money changers were doing their thing in the temple.

Sandy Kovach [00:32:52 - 00:32:53]

Mm-hmm.

Lanée Blaise [00:32:53 - 00:33:29]

And he put a stop to that. He put boundaries there. And yet, someone who was committing adultery, which is supposed to be so bad, he also put the boundaries as far as we don't need to stone her. Let's look within ourselves and think about ourselves. There's areas that he was gonna go into, certain areas, and he could tell that even his own hometown in Nazareth, they could only think of— they were, they were limited. They could only think of him as, that's Mary and Joseph's kid, he's a carpenter, he can't do miracles. So he just moved, like, okay, I'm not gonna do miracles there. I will have boundaries even though I have love for those folks.

Lanée Blaise [00:33:30 - 00:33:34]

I'm not going to force— I'm not going to force it, and I'm not going to feel guilty and shameful.

Sandy Kovach [00:33:35 - 00:33:42]

Yeah, let things slide and not feel guilty. And I like the thing about not forcing things too.

Lanée Blaise [00:33:43 - 00:34:22]

Many times God is whispering the answer to us, like, you're forcing this, and you'll start being blocked. I got to give the example again with this trip that I am supposed to be on during the film shoot. The plane ticket It was so expensive if I left back on Sunday instead of 2 days from now. The hotel room that I was trying to get set up didn't have the available rooms for that time, only for the second leg of it. The locations for the film were going to change. It was going to be very small crew, easy location. Maybe I don't need to be there. When you slim down the crew, I'm just actually an extra person who has to eat and be in the way.

Lanée Blaise [00:34:23 - 00:34:51]

I just started thinking, wait a second. I'm not that important right here. And I am forcing this because I said I was going to be there at this time, and because that's when it started, and it made sense at the time. But when I started to listen to God and my inner self and the way things were looking like it was forced and it was closing doors, and I said, let me just pivot. Let me go ahead and do where the opening is leading.

Sandy Kovach [00:34:51 - 00:34:51]

Mm-hmm.

Lanée Blaise [00:34:52 - 00:35:07]

And that was for the latter part of the week, where they have the big film days where they will really need help, all hands on deck. Let's be there for that. Let's be grateful for that. And let's get accomplished, like we said, other things that are important.

Sandy Kovach [00:35:07 - 00:35:31]

Yeah, you got to take care of yourself professionally. And you're taking care of your crew that way. And you're taking care of your pocketbook and all the things. I was thinking too about sometimes You have opportunities like I have voiceover opportunities or radio or whatever. But there are some times that that could be too taxing for me using my voice all the time. I'm very protective of it.

Lanée Blaise [00:35:31 - 00:35:32]

Yes.

Sandy Kovach [00:35:32 - 00:36:05]

I had a situation with a client who was having some financial issues, and I understood that. But I had to say, okay, well, I'm going to stop doing this particular project. I've worked with them for a while. I can't keep doing this for you on the hope that Someday you're going to catch up on your payment. And so I figure I may or may not see my back money, but at least I, I'm not going to work for free. There would have been maybe in other times in my career when I wouldn't have done that. But as you get older, I think too, you have to protect your voice more and your time.

Lanée Blaise [00:36:05 - 00:36:06]

Yes.

Sandy Kovach [00:36:06 - 00:36:18]

And it happens all the time in life. And you just have to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, whether it's booking a plane flight or whether it's a Something more obvious, like, I'm not going to work for free.

Lanée Blaise [00:36:19 - 00:36:54]

Yeah. And that's the whole purpose of today's episode. It is really to just understand God has purpose for us. We have things that we want to accomplish and do. But there has to be and needs to be and there can be a harmony. And the only way to have that harmony without the resentment, without the overwhelm is to place boundaries in there and to say yes when we mean it and to say no when we mean it and to practice saying no.

Sandy Kovach [00:36:54 - 00:37:18]

There are lots of different ways to say no. We definitely don't have to be rude. Sometimes it's just no thank you. And I just, I have a quick story about my son. He was always taught to be polite, say no thank you, but he was in swimming lessons and I don't know, he was 3 or 4, just Real young. And the teacher, the instructor were like, okay, Joe, it's time for you to get in the pool. No, thank you.

Lanée Blaise [00:37:18 - 00:37:23]

So see, yeah, I love that. That means you're a great mom. You taught him well.

Sandy Kovach [00:37:24 - 00:37:32]

But it's like, it was, it was funny because it was not really the appropriate time to, to say it, but it was just, nope, thank you. I'd rather not.

Lanée Blaise [00:37:33 - 00:37:34]

And very polite.

Sandy Kovach [00:37:34 - 00:37:35]

Very polite.

Lanée Blaise [00:37:35 - 00:37:38]

Firm. Yeah. Firm and kind. No.

Sandy Kovach [00:37:39 - 00:37:54]

So here's a quote, kind of as we get towards the end here to wrap it up. Anne Lamott, she's one of my favorite authors. It's, no is a complete sentence. And I think you've been saying that pretty much all episodes. So just remember that. No. Yeah.

Lanée Blaise [00:37:54 - 00:38:53]

You know, you can add a smile or a hug or something to that, but it's still a no. Yeah. No, thank you. It's just like, I really, really hope and pray that this hits home. You don't have to you know, you can care without carrying. I think you mentioned that was what Derwin Gray said. So, we don't have to carry every request, every even demand, every opinion, every burden that folks might, or organizations might try to put upon us. We want to make sure that we leave space and room in our lives for what God has for us so that we can even hear God, so that we can love people honestly, So we just have to realize that sometimes yes is something that is so precious that we need to hold it for when it's something that we are really led to and blessed to do, where we can have a nice, faithful, hearty no or no thank you instead.

Lanée Blaise [00:38:53 - 00:39:08]

So imagine yourself using boundaries as a way to open up the doors to the life God truly intends for you, instead of being all used up with nothing left inside.

Sandy Kovach [00:39:08 - 00:39:32]

I'm so glad you said yes to taking the time to listen today on Imagine Yourself Podcast. Maybe you've got somebody in mind that could really use this episode. Feel free to share it. And I hope you do. And I hope you give us a rating or review if you haven't done that yet. Get in touch with us via social media or at imagineyourselfpodcast.com.