Crudely, Badly, Cheaply Part 2

Having ended Part 1 with his business plan "in the air", Jimmy 'Skiver' McIver at last gets the backing and support of his old school friend and businessman Roger Soul and Denise, Roger's glamorous PA. They launch the dry cleaning business with a fanfare. 

Sadly, the venture has attracted renewed attention from loan shark Mo Greensmith, who has hatched a dastardly plan of deceit and revenge-by-extortion on Roger Soul - with Jimmy as "piggy in the middle"!  As events quickly turn disastrous, and caught between a big rock and a very hard place, 'Skiver' lives up to his name and flees. 

But will it be enough to save his skin?

Part 2 of 2

Transcript

CRUDELY, BADLY, CHEAPLY  EPISODE TWO
BY NIGEL BANKS

FX: THEME MUSIC PLAYS THEN FADES UNDER VOICEOVER

ANNOUNCER: We present Episode 2 of “Crudely, Badly, Cheaply” by Nigel Banks.
 In Episode 1, Jimmy McKiver attempted to improve his financial
 prospects by opening a dry-cleaning business. He hoped to persuade an
 old school friend Roger Soul to become his partner in the venture, but
 needed to raise some capital of his own first. Being a habitual gambler 
 he borrowed his stake money from a local loan shark Maureen 
 Greensmith to place a risky bet on three horses. To his delight, they all
 win. He is able to repay his loan to Mo before having to discover if her
 fearsome reputation for violence against defaulters is justified. But his
 meeting with Roger Soul’s new P.A. Denise to discuss his business 
 plan does not go well, so Jimmy is left feeling that he might have used 
 up all his good fortune.

FX: X-FADE MUSIC WITH SOUND OF MOBILE RINGTONE

JIMMY: Hey, wotcher, Rog. I was wondering when I’d hear from you.

ROGER: Yeah, I had an important trip to make. Only got back a couple of days
 ago, and then there was a big backlog at the office to deal with. I’ve 
 had a chat with Denise and...

JIMMY: (CUTTING IN) Yeah, look Rog, I’m sorry about that. I don’t know
 what come over me – completely out of order, so I quite understand
 you not wanting anything to do with my scheme.

ROGER: What you on about? I was calling you to fix up another meeting now 
 I’m back.

JIMMY: Oh, right...well, yeah. Whenever’s convenient? 

ROGER: Okay. Let’s say your office one o’clock.

JIMMY: My office?

ROGER: The Dog and Duck?

JIMMY: Ah, right yeah. Good one. You always did know how to pull my chain.

ROGER: Yeah, you’ll have to smarten up your act if you’re going to join the 
 grown-ups!

JIMMY: You mean...?

ROGER: Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Just be in the pub at one and we’ll
 have a chat, alright?

JIMMY: Yeah, sure. No worries, I’ll be there.

ROGER: See you later.

 FX: SOUND OF PHONE HANGING UP. FADE UP AMBIENT PUB NOISE

JIMMY: Pint please, Fred. And a G and T.

FRED: Strange combination. You gone off scotch?

JIMMY: Nah, I’m getting one in for my mate Rog. He should be here soon.

 FX: SOUND OF DRINKS BEING POURED

FRED: So, how’s it going with his P.A.? You’ve not exactly been forthcoming
 on that front, so I’m assuming I won my bet.

JIMMY: No, no. I haven’t given up hope yet. And we never set a time limit on
 getting a date with her. So, as far as I’m concerned, the bet’s still on.

FRED: Any trick in the book to wriggle out of it! Come on, admit it: she gave 
 you the old heave-ho.

JIMMY: Now fair’s fair. I do concede the my initial advances were met with a
 certain amount of resistance. But, as the saying goes: “Faint heart 
 never won fair lady”, so I shall put my best Robert the Bruce face on
 and persevere!

FRED: God loves a trier, they say, but in this case, I think the odds are against
 you. So, if you haven’t landed the fish by the end of the month, I’ll be
 claiming my fifty quid. Anyway, Rothschild, it’s not as though you
 can’t afford it.

JIMMY: Fine. Three weeks? Plenty of time. It’s in the bag.

FRED: Dream on.

 FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

ROGER: Sorry I’m late. Got caught up with some business just as I was about to
 leave the office.

JIMMY: No problem, Rog. I took the liberty of getting you a G and T.
Crudely, Badly, Cheaply 3.
Nigel Banks

ROGER: Thanks. Shall we grab a table where it’s a bit more private?

 FX: SOUND OF TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS RECEDING THEN CHAIRS BEING PULLED BACK AND SAT IN

 Right, well I’ve had a look at your so-called “Business Plan”...

JIMMY: (CUTTING IN) Yeah, sorry about that. I was in such a rush to get
 the numbers together, I didn’t have time to set it all out nice and
 neat.

ROGER: Come off it, Jimmy. Remember who you’re talking to here. Be honest,
 you wouldn’t recognize a spreadsheet if it came along and bit you. 

JIMMY: Course I would!

ROGER: Oh yeah?

JIMMY: Yeah, I know what one looks like...I just don’t how you do them. 
 Never had any need for them before.

ROGER: Well, you will from now on, if we’re to do business together. I’ll get
 Denise to give you a crash course. She’s more up to speed on the latest
 I.T. stuff than I am.

JIMMY: Great stuff! She can give me the benefit of her knowledge and 
 expertise any day of the week.

ROGER: You don’t give up, do you? But I have to warn you, Jimmy, you could
 get your fingers badly burned if you mess with Denise.

JIMMY: Hot stuff, is she? Speaking from experience, are you, Rog?

ROGER: You know me better than that. Anyway, she’s got connections in high
 places – or should I say “low” places.

JIMMY: As in?

ROGER: As in the “Underworld” – so, you could find yourself having to answer 
to some pretty hard-core “Mafiosi”, if you overstep the mark, know    what I mean?

JIMMY: Ah, right.

ROGER: But go ahead, knock yourself out, if you fancy a real gamble. Or be 
 prepared to for someone else to do it for you!

JIMMY: Message received and understood.

ROGER: Good. Now perhaps we can get down to the real business in hand. So, 
 this proposition of yours...

JIMMY: Yeah, well I’m guessing the figures don’t really stack up for you, I 
 mean, for a consummate businessman such as yourself?

ROGER: “Consummate”? Blimey, Jimmy, you swallowed a dictionary for 
 breakfast?

JIMMY: No, Full English, as is my wont.

ROGER: Right. Well, I’ll give you the “sunny side up” verdict, then. The figures
 do stack up, after a fashion, but there are rather more variables than I
 would tolerate under normal circumstances. Such as, for instance, until
 we’ve actually found some suitable premises for this dry-cleaning
 operation, we can’t know what the rent’s going to be. We can make an
 educated guess, based on average prices in certain areas, but there can 
 be considerable variations. So that puts a big question mark against 
 projected monthly overheads, and therefore our profitability. (FADE 
 OUT) Then, of course, there’s the staffing issue. How many staff are 
 we going to need? The fewer, the better obviously to reduce the wage 
 bill....

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) And so it went on...and on... for what seemed like an
 hour. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Rog is a great bloke and he 
 definitely knows his stuff when it comes to running a business, but I’m
 afraid my eyes started to glaze over after the first five minutes. So I 
 just sit there nodding my head and going “Yes, Rog..No, Rog...three 
 bags full, Rog”. I only really come to when he says...

ROGER: So, does that all make sense, then?

JIMMY: (STUMBLING) What?..Oh yeah...Clear as a bell. (VOICEOVER) It was then that Rog said something which I really ought to have paid more attention to...

ROGER: In that case, then, I’ll get on to my lawyer to start drawing up a
 partnership agreement with all the necessary contractual clauses ready for us to sign once both parties are happy with the small print. If you let me know the name and contact details of your solicitor, I can have a draft copy sent over for him to vet as soon as it’s ready.

JIMMY: Solicitor? (VOICEOVER) Now, I’d never had cause to use a solicitor before...
 All I knew was that they tended to spout legal Double Dutch at you and charge you an arm and a leg for the privilege, so I’d always avoided them. I had hoped that we’d be able to use the informal “gentlemen’s agreement” method – a spit and a handshake followed by a couple of sherbets, but it was clearly not to be. Rog was going to do this by the book, but as I said, I didn’t really pay enough attention to
 that at the time. I was distracted by the arrival of a pair of very shapely legs with stiletto heels on the end of them.

 FX: SOUND OF APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

ROGER: Denise. You got my message then? All serene back at the office?

DENISE: Yes, all good. I’ll need to get back by two to meet...

ROGER: (CUTTING IN) No sweat. Jimmy, mate, why don’t you get some 
 more drinks in. We might have something to celebrate, after all. Here’s
 a twenty.

 FX: SOUND OF MONEY BEING TAKEN OUT OF A WALLET

JIMMY: Oh, nice one. What’s your poison, Denise?

DENISE: Slim line tonic with ice and lemon, please.

JIMMY: Rog?

ROGER: Same, please.

JIMMY: What? That’s a bit vanilla, ain’t it?

ROGER: Got to drive somewhere this afternoon. Need to keep a clear head.

JIMMY: That’s my Rog. Always ahead of the game.

ROGER: Of course. Now, off you trot and get’em in. 

 FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS AND LOW LEVEL CHAT

JIMMY: Fred, might I procure some more beverages, if you please?

FRED: You’re looking very pleased with yourself. Ah no, I don’t believe it! You haven’t managed to cop off with that bird, have you?

JIMMY: Not yet, as it happens, Fred, so you’re fifty quid is still safe – for the
 moment. But I have high hopes of success in the very near future.

FRED: Ever the optimist! Same again?

JIMMY: Yeah, pint please and two slim line tonics with ice and lemon.

 FX: SOUND OF DRINKS BEING POURED

 ‘Ere, you wouldn’t happen to know the name of a solicitor I could use, would you?

FRED: Why, you in trouble again?

JIMMY: Nah, course not. I just need to get some legal stuff signed and wondered if you
 could recommend someone – preferably cheap.

FRED: In my experience, the words “cheap” and “solicitor” don’t go together. I’ve used a firm on the Old Kent Road in the past. They were straight enough. ` Easy to deal with. Now, what was the name? Erm. Miller, Mossman and Son. Yeah, that’s them.

JIMMY: Old Kent Road? But that’s south of the river. Bit of a schlep.

FRED: There’s such things as phones and the internet, you know. You don’t have to go there in person all the time. Here’s your drinks. 

 FX: SOUND OF CLINKING GLASSES AND CASH REGISTER

JIMMY: Thanks, mate. I’ll give’em a call.

 FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS

 Here we are, two tonics.

ROGER: Thanks, Jimmy. ‘Fraid, I’ve gotta shoot. I’ll leave you in Denise’s capable 
 hands to sort out some details and arrange an I.T. tutorial for you.

 FX: SOUND OF DRINK BEING GULPED DOWN 

 Right, I’ll love you and leave you. See you later, Dee. Arrivederci, Jimmy.

 FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS RECEDING

JIMMY: Yeah, Ciao Baby, to you too! So, Denise, alone at last!

DENISE: I do hope you’re not getting any ideas, Jimmy. This is strictly business.

JIMMY: Yeah, I know, but listen, I just need to beg a favour. 

DENISE: What sort of favour?

JIMMY: Well, it’s like this. See old Fred behind the bar? He bet me fifty quid I 
 couldn’t get a date with you. I’d just love to get one over on him, so I was
 wondering if you might see your way to pretending you’re going on a date
 with me.

DENISE: What’s in it for me? 

JIMMY: Er, well, I dunno. What were you thinking of?

DENISE: A share of the winnings, for starters.

JIMMY: How much?

DENISE: Agent’s fees are twenty percent these days, so ten quid, please.

JIMMY: Done.

DENISE: Plus V.A.T. of course. So that’s another seven pounds fifty.

JIMMY Are you serious?

DENISE: Of course.

 FX: SOUND OF A FIVER BEING TAKEN OUT OF POCKET

JIMMY: There’s a twenty. Keep the change. Treat yourself.

DENISE: (LAUGHING) You should see your face! I can’t believe you took me 
 seriously. I can see why Rog said you were a rubbish poker player. Be
 back in a minute.

 FX: SOUND OF CHAIR SCRAPING AND FOOTSTEPS RECEDING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) I watch her sashay up to the bar and engage Fred in some
 earnest conversation. I see him look over at me then hand over fifty
quid to her. As she come back towards me, I notice Fred giving me the                                             finger behind her back. I raise my glass and smile sweetly at him.

DENISE: To the victor, the spoils! And do you know what, Jimmy? You can take me
 out on a date.

JIMMY: Really? You’re not messing with me again?

DENISE: Yeah, really – well, sort of.

JIMMY: What’s the catch?

DENISE: Well, I’ve got to give you some I.T. training so I figure you owe me a decent
 meal for my pains, and there’s this nice little Italian place I know, so...

JIMMY: Yeah, alright. Fair do’s. When shall we say?

DENISE: I’ll call you, Jimmy. Gotta get back to the office now. See ya.

 FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS RECEDING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) And then she was gone in a whiff of expensive perfume. I’m
 smitten. I knew deep down she didn’t fancy me, but I didn’t care as long as I
 got to spend some time in her company. Turned out, though, that she had an
 ulterior motive for setting up a meal in that restaurant. She’d been seeing the
 owner – this second generation Mafioso greaseball and he’d been two-
 timing her then dumped her. She wanted a bit of payback so she was all over
 me in front of him to make him jealous, which was very pleasant, of course.
 But then things got a bit tasty when she threw a plate of linguine all over him
 and started smashing bottles and glasses. And the language! Talk about 
 turning the air blue. Real pottymouth, that girl. We beat a hasty retreat and
 went to a pub instead. Safe to say, I don’t think I’ll be eating there again.

 FX: SOUND OF MOBILE RINGTONE

JIMMY: Hallo, Jimmy McKiver, who is this?

FEMALE VOICE: Hello, Mr McKiver, it’s Hilary Woodall, Mr Mossman’s secretary. I’m
 just ringing to tell you that the partnership contract papers have been duly
 vetted and are ready for signing. If you’d like to drop by the office at your
 convenience?

JIMMY: Blimey, that didn’t take long. I wasn’t expecting any action before next month
 at the earliest.

VOICE: Yes, well, we’ve had dealings with Mr Soul’s solicitor Reginald Thring in the
 past. He’s very efficient. So, when might we expect you?

JIMMY: Er, well, let’s see. Tomorrow afternoon any good?

VOICE: I’ll just check Mr Mossman’s diary...Yes, tomorrow at three is fine. See you
 then. Goodbye.

JIMMY: Yeah, laters.

 FX: SOUND OF PHONE CALL ENDING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) So, before you know it, there I am signing these official
 documents making me a partner with Mr Roger Soul in a new dry-cleaning
 business. We’ve rented some premises in Kilburn at a reasonable monthly
 rate, thanks to Denise’s negotiating skills. Rog has sourced some machines
 second-hand from another business closing down in Reading, so I have to hire 
 a van and drive all the way over there to collect them. Luckily, Rog has got             this team of shop-fitters to get the place all set up. Trouble was, though, with          the machines being second-hand there weren’t any operating instructions, so         it was all a bit trial-and-error to begin with – with the emphasis on the “error”!
 Rog being Rog, it was all “push, push, push” to get the shop up and running          ASAP, whereas I would’ve liked a more leisurely approach.

ROGER: We need to start generating some income straight away, Jimmy. We’ve got all those fixed overheads to pay. It’s a given that any new business will run at a
 loss to start with, so the sooner we get the cash till ringing, the better.

JIMMY: But we haven’t even got any staff signed up yet. I’ve only just put the ads out.

ROGER: So, you’ll have to get your hands dirty yourself. What did you expect? I bet you thought you could sit in the pub with a pint and The Sporting Life all day.
 Well, it isn’t like that in the real world. You have to put in the hard graft if you             want to reap the rewards.

JIMMY: Yeah, I know that. It’s just...

ROGER: Just what?

JIMMY: Just, I’m worried about cocking it up.

ROGER: (LAUGHING) Of course, you’ll cock it up! We all do, to begin with. It’s 
              called “Learning by Experience”. You’ll be fine. We’re opening next
              Wednesday.

JIMMY:  (VOICEOVER) I wish I shared his confidence. Anyway, come the “Grand Opening, Rog had pulled out all the stops – got the local press and radio to come along, plus some of his business contacts. There was free fizz and
canapes so that pulled in some freeloaders – well, some folk’ll turn up for the
opening of an envelope. But, all in all, it passed off well enough. There was
that initial show of interest from the great British Public, then things went 
quiet very quickly, so I wasn’t exactly run off my feet. In fact, I was bored 
out of my tree sitting behind the counter all day staring at the ceiling. 
Running a business hadn’t turned out to be the adrenaline-rush I’d expected.
I wanted more excitement in my life. But, as the old saying goes: be careful
what you wish for!

 FX: SOUND OF SHOP DOORBELL AND DOOR OPENING. FOOTSTEPS         APPROACHING

JIMMY: Mrs Greensmith! What you doing here?

MO: Not quite the welcome I was expecting, Jimmy.

JIMMY: Sorry, Mrs G. Where’s my manners? It’s great to see you again. How’ve you
             been? How’s business?

MO:   Alright, no need to go overboard. Business is booming, as it happens. Unlike
 here, I gather.

JIMMY: Well, early days, you know. Rome wasn’t built in a day an’ all that. 

MO: But it’d be nice to see some signs of the foundations being laid.

 FX: SOUND OF MO’S FOOTSTEPS AS SHE WALKS AROUND THE SHOP

 Hm, I had hoped for a better return on my investment.

JIMMY: Your investment?

MO: (LAUGHING) Well, it was my loan that made all this possible, wasn’t it 
 Jimmy? You didn’t have a pot to piss in when you came to me. Any chance of
 a coffee?

JIMMY: What? Oh yeah, sure. It’ll have to be instant, I’m afraid.

MO: Fine. I hate that so-called “proper coffee”. Foreign muck.

 FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS, KETTLE BEING FILLED & SWITCHED ON

 I must say, I was a little disappointed I didn’t get an invite to your fancy 
 Grand Opening bash.

JIMMY: I’m really sorry about that, Mrs G. My partner Roger Soul handled all the 
the invitations and that. But you’re right, I should’ve made sure you got one.     What can I say?

MO: Don’t fret yourself. I couldn’t have come anyway. I was lying on the terrace
 of my villa in Marbella that day with a champagne cocktail in my hand. But
 I heard all about it. The wonders of modern communications technology, eh?

 FX: SOUND OF KETTLE BOILING AND WATER BEING POURED INTO A
        MUG THEN STIRRED

JIMMY: Milk and sugar?

MO: Black, two sugars.

 FX: SOUND OF SUGAR BEING ADDED. MORE STIRRING. FOOTSTEPS
         APPROACHING

JIMMY: There you go.

MO: Ta. So, I’ve got a bit of a proposition for you. (SUGGESTIVE LAUGH) One
 I don’t think you’ll be able to refuse.

JIMMY: (RUFFLED) Oh yeah. What sort of proposition?

MO: Well, not that sort, you naughty boy! I’m a respectable widow of this parish.

JIMMY: No, I never...I mean I wouldn’t...I wasn’t thinking like that, honest...

MO: (HEARTY LAUGH) I know you wasn’t. I’m only messing with you.

JIMMY: (RELIEVED) Oh right...yeah. You had me going there for a minute.

MO: Yeah, I like a good laugh. (MORE LAUGHTER WHICH STOPS 
 ABRUPTLY) So here’s the deal. As you’re probably aware, I’m well known
 in this manor – lots of contacts. If I put the word out, you’ll see a big increase
 in the number of punters coming through that door.

JIMMY: Great, yeah. Thanks very much, Mrs G. That’d be a great help.

MO: Call me Mo, Jimmy. If we’re gonna be partners.

JIMMY: Partners? I’ve already got a partner – Roger Soul.

MO: Yes, but this can be our own private arrangement. He doesn’t need to know about it.

JIMMY: (GUARDEDLY) OK, so what’s the deal?

MO: Well, I scratch your back by boosting your footfall, and you give me a 
 percentage in return. One good turn an ‘all that.

JIMMY: But that’ll mean having to fiddle the books. Rog is dead strict on having the
 accounts all shipshape. He’s got me doing double-entry book-keeping, spread
 sheets, the whole caboodle.

MO: Not a problem. I’ve got someone who can help you with all that. My 
 accountant Solly Gold. He’s been pulling the wool over HMRC’s eyes for me
 for years, so I’m sure he can outwit Roger Soul.
 
JIMMY: But, I can’t cheat Rog. He’s been so good to me, helped me out ever since we were at school together.

MO: Oh, stop it! I’ll have to get my violin out. Loyalty’s a wonderful virtue, 
 Jimmy, but it only takes you so far. This is business – you can’t afford to be
 sentimental.

JIMMY: No...even so, I can’t do it . It wouldn’t be right.

 FX: SOUND OF MUG HITTING THE FLOOR AND SMASHING

MO: (FALSE APOLOGY) Oh dear, clumsy me! Amazing how easily things break,
 isn’t it, Jimmy? 

JIMMY: Yeah...no worries...soon clear that up.

MO: Trouble is, Jimmy, some breakages are a bit more difficult to clean up. Things
             can get very messy, if you take my meaning?

JIMMY: (PENNY DROPPING) Oh sure, loud and clear Mrs Greensmith.

MO: I’m pleased to hear it. We wouldn’t want our new partnership to get off on the 
 wrong foot now, would we?

JIMMY: Definitely not.

MO: Excellent! So, I’ll put the word out about this wonderful new dry-cleaning
 emporium and you should start to see an immediate upturn in your takings.

JIMMY: That’s great, Mrs G.

MO: I keep telling you, call me Mo. And I think you should come round to my
 gaffe very soon so we can discuss terms in a more comfy setting. Whaddya
 say?

JIMMY: Yeah, be delighted to. Whenever suits you.

MO: Lovely stuff. Shall we say tomorrow evening? Seven-thirty?

JIMMY: Perfect.

MO: See you then. I’ll see myself out as you’ve got this mess to clear up.

JIMMY: Yeah, laters, Mo.

FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS RECEDING, DOOR OPENING, SHOP DOORBELL
RINGING THEN DOOR CLOSING

 I can’t wait!

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) Yet again, just as things seem to be sorting themselves out,
 a big, black cloud starts hanging over me. Story of my life! I’m caught 
 between a rock and a nasty hard place known as Mo Greensmith. If I cheat on
 Rog by paying Mo protection money, I’ll be letting down a mate who’s always
 stood by me. But if I refuse Mo’s deal, I’ll be sucking food out of a tube – if 
 I’m lucky! Open up a dry-cleaning business – whose bright idea was that? 
 And then, things get even more complicated the next day when I go round to 
 see Mo, as arranged.

 FX: SOUND OF ENTRY-PHONE BUZZER

MO: Who is it?

JIMMY: It’s me, Mrs Greensmith...er, Mo. Jimmy McKiver.

MO: Bang on time, Jimmy. Come on up.

 FX: SOUND OF ELECTRONIC DOOR-LOCK THEN DOOR OPENING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) My heart was pounding as I climbed the stairs to Mo’s 
 apartment. I had a bad feeling about this.

 FX: SOUND OF APARTMENT DOOR OPENING

MO: Here he is, our new partner in crime. Welcome, Jimmy. Come in.

JIMMY: Thanks, Mo.

MO: Didn’t you bring anything?

JIMMY: (FLUSTERED) What?..Er, no...sorry. Was I supposed to?

MO: (TUTTING) Done thing in our culture. Guest always brings the hostess a gift.

JIMMY: Oh no, I am so sorry. I’ll go and get...

MO: (CUTTING IN) I’m messing with you again, Jimmy. You fall for it every
 time. Come on in.

 FX: SOUND OF TWO SETS OF FOOTSTEPS

DENISE: Hiya, Jimmy. How are doing?

JIMMY: Denise? What you doing here?

MO: Oh yeah, I believe you know my niece, Denise.

JIMMY: Niece?

MO: Yeah, my sister Rachel’s youngest. We’re very close. She’s the daughter I 
 never had. Ain’t you, babe?

DENISE: Yes, Auntie Mo.

JIMMY: Ah, that explains it.

MO: Explains what?

JIMMY: Well, Rog said you had connections in the...with the...

DENISE: With the what?

JIMMY: The...Mafia.

DENISE: (LAUGHING) Oh that. That was a joke.

MO: You going to let us in on it?

DENISE: You remember Gino Rastelli, owns the trattoria in Camden?

JIMMY: The guy you threw linguine all over?

DENISE: That’s him.

MO: What about him?

DENISE: I sort of led Roger Soul to believe that he was a Mafioso. Thought it might
 add to my street cred.

JIMMY: And he wasn’t, I take it.

DENISE: Gino? He’s a two-timing, slimeball, but nah, Mafia he definitely is not!

JIMMY: Does Rog know you two are related?

MO: He better hadn’t. Den?

DENISE: God, no! 

MO: And you won’t breathe a word either, will you Jimmy? Not if you know 
 what’s good for you. Mr Soul will discover the connection when the time
 is right and our little plan comes to fruition.

JIMMY: Plan?

MO: They say “Revenge is a dish best served cold”. In this case I’ve been waiting
 a good ten years to pay back Roger Soul what he’s due. 

JIMMY: What’s he done?

MO: Let’s just say he was involved in some shady deals, borrowed a sizeable sum 
 off my Benny – they were mates, supposedly, then welched on the debt. Not
 only that, he put my dear late husband in harm’s way with some very nasty
 operators in the East End. Benny was never the same again. So, you could say
 Mr Soul is due some payback – with ten years accrued interest.

JIMMY: I don’t believe it. Rog would never...

MO: (CUTTING IN) Oh, I know you think the sun shines out of his posterior, but
 he didn’t get where he is today by being Mr Nice Guy. And soon he’s gonna
 find out that I’m not either. In fact, I’m a whole new definition of “Nasty”!

JIMMY: What you gonna do?

MO: Now that would be telling. But Denise has been quietly doing the ground 
 work, haven’t you, sweetheart? She’s my “mole” behind enemy lines, finding
 out all his weak points.

JIMMY: And there I was, thinking you were such a nice girl.

DENISE: Still wanna go out with me, Jimmy boy?

JIMMY: Maybe, I’ll pass on that one.

DENISE: Yeah, you stick with your saddo mates at the pub and your lousy, tin-pot dry cleaning business.

MO: Speaking of which, we need to fix on how much you’re going to put my way
 every month. Part one of my plan to squeeze Roger Soul dry. I was thinking in
 terms of five hundred a month for starters.

JIMMY: You must be joking! We’ve barely made that much since we opened three 
 weeks ago.

MO: I never joke where money’s concerned, Jimmy. As I said, when I put the word
 out, you’ll see an immediate boost to your takings.

JIMMY: But we’re running at a loss, so it’ll be a while before we’re in the black, even 
 with the increased turnover. You’ve got to cut us some slack. Please, Mo, I’m
 begging you!

MO: Aw, ain’t he sweet? You’ll have to pass me a tissue, Den.

DENISE: Yeah, tugs at your heartstrings, don’t it?

MO: Sorry, Jimmy, much as I like you, you’re just going to have to find the money
 from somewhere.

JIMMY: But I ain’t got it, I tell you. I sank all my winnings into setting up the business. 
 There’s nothing left.

MO: Well, you’ll have to go back to that favourite bookies of yours and stick another bet on the gee-gees.

JIMMY: Somehow I don’t think Lady Luck’s going to smile on me twice.

DENISE: You could always take out a loan, Jimbo. Do you know any good credit companies you could recommend, Auntie Mo?

MO: I do, as it happens, Den. Very reasonable interest rates.

JIMMY: So, I could take out a loan from you to pay you the protection money you’re
 already extorting from me and Rog, which I would then have to pay back to you at a very high interest rate?

MO: Extorting? That’s not a nice way of putting it.

JIMMY: How would you put it then?

DENISE: I’d call it “creative accountancy”.

MO: Very good, Den. Yeah, I like that – “creative accountancy”!

JIMMY: It’s a double-whammy whichever way you look at it. This is not good. What
 have I done to you to deserve this?

MO: I know, Jimmy. But as somebody once said: “Life is tough. Sometimes it’s not
 as tough as other times, but it’s always tough”.

JIMMY: Spare me the fortune cookie philosophy, please.

MO: Ooh, now you just watch your lip, young man. You’re not exactly in any position to start mouthing off.

JIMMY: Er...sorry, Mo. It’s just that...

MO: And I think we’ll revert to you addressing me as Mrs Greensmith, if you please. Show me a bit of respect.

JIMMY: Right, yes, anything you say, Mrs Greensmith.

MO: That’s more like it.

JIMMY: But can I just say that I don’t think it’s fair that I have to suffer for what Roger
 Soul’s done to you and yours in the past. I’m piggy-in-the-middle here.

MO: Yeah, I can see why you say that, Jimmy. Unfortunately you’re what they call
 in military terms “Collateral Damage”.

JIMMY: Thanks, Mrs Greensmith, that’s a real comfort.

MO: Well, maybe you need to sleep on it, Jimmy. Decide what you wanna do. But
 remember, whatever you do, make sure you keep schtum about any of this to
 Soul. I’ll know straight away if you’ve blabbed to him and if you do, your life
 ain’t gonna be worth a bean. Capisce?

JIMMY: Yeah, I get you, Mrs Greensmith.

MO: Good. Now, Denise will drop by the shop tomorrow to hear your decision. And I hope, for your sake, it’s the sensible one. Show him out, Den.

DENISE: Sure. Come on, Jimmy boy. 

FX: SOUND OF 2 SETS OF FOOTSTEPS THEN DOOR OPENING

MO: Ain’t you gonna say goodnight, Jimmy? Where’s your manners?

JIMMY: Sorry Mrs Greensmith. My mind was elsewhere. Goodnight, God Bless and
 sweet dreams.

MO: Same to you, Jimmy. Hope you sleep well too. (LAUGHING) I know I will!

            FX: SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS RETREATING

JIMMY: Goodnight to you too, Denise. I can’t say it’s exactly been a pleasure this time.

DENISE: Bet you wish you could turn the clock back, eh? But you’re a born gambler, 
 aren’t you, Jimmy? So you win some, you lose some. See ya tomorrow.

            FX: SOUND OF DOOR CLOSING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) I was so taken up with my thoughts on my way home I nearly
 got knocked down crossing the road. I knew a sleepless night lay ahead of me.
 What to do? Come clean to Rog, throw myself on his mercy and be prepared for a Mo-mentous shit-storm. Or start paying her the protection money and have to do the dirty on Rog. Either way, I was going to be up that creek not only without a paddle, but probably not even a canoe. But then suddenly events take an unexpected turn.

FX: SOUND OF MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE

JIMMY: ‘Allo, Rog. I was just thinking about you.

ROGER: You need to get yourself over to the shop pronto. There’s been a fire.

JIMMY: What?

ROGER: I don’t know the details. I just got a call from the Emergency Services. I’m in Leicester on business. You need to get there and find out what’s happened then call me ASAP. Gotta go, but call me, yeah?

JIMMY: ‘Course. On my way.

         FX: SOUND OF CALL ENDING

 (VOICEOVER) I grab a cab as quickly as I can and high-tail it over to the shop, where I find fire-engines, a police car, road blocks – the whole “Emergency 999” caboodle.

         FX: OUTDOOR AMBIENT SOUND. POLICE CAR SIREN, WATER SPRAY
                 FROM FIRE ENGINE HOSE, SUBDUED CROWD NOISE. FOOTSTEPS

POLICEMAN: Sorry, sir, you can’t get through here while the fire crew are dealing with the incident.

JIMMY: But that’s my shop that’s on fire.

POLICE: Oh, right. What’s your name, sir?

JIMMY: McKiver...Jimmy McKiver.

POLICE: Let me just make a note of that. When were you last at the premises, sir?

JIMMY: I locked up just after seven, it would be.

POLICE: Are you the only key-holder?

JIMMY: No, my business partner Roger Soul has a set, but he’s away in Leicester at
 the moment.

POLICE: Can you think of anyone who might have a grudge against you, or Mr Soul?

JIMMY: Are you saying this was done deliberately?

POLICE: Can’t be sure at this stage, sir. We’ll have to wait until the fire service has 
 done a full investigation. Can’t do that until the fire is properly out and the building made safe. I shall have to ask you to come down to the station to make a preliminary statement.

JIMMY: What? Now?

POLICE: No, it’ll keep till the morning. Not much you can do here now. You might as well go home.

JIMMY: Okay, thanks.

POLICE: Oh, and you might want to contact your insurance company to start the ball rolling with your claim.

JIMMY: Yeah right, of course. Good thinking. (VOICEOVER) It was then a little alarm bell went off in my head. I suddenly remembered an envelope Rog had given me with the confirmation details of the insurance policy we were signing up for. I was supposed to add my signature as co-owner of the business and then post the form. I remembered putting the envelope under the counter and had every intention of doing the necessary later in the day, but somehow I never got round to doing it, so that meant..

         FX: SOUND OF MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE

JIMMY: Hi Rog, yeah I was just about to call you. You beat me to it.

ROGER: I’ve just been on to the insurance company. Apparently they never received the form. Now why would that be?

JIMMY: Really? I did post it, Rog, honest. Cross my heart and hope to...

ROGER: (CUTTING IN) Die? Be careful what you wish for, Jimmy. I think we need to meet up for a little chat very soon. Like in about half an hour. I’ll see you at the pub. Don’t be late!

        FX: SOUND OF CALL ENDING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) The phrase “chickens coming home to roost” popped into my head, so I did what all cowards do in this sort of situation..

       FX: SOUND OF MOBILE PHONE RINGTONE

FRED: Hello, Dog and Duck. How can I help?

JIMMY: Fred, it’s Jimmy. Listen, I can’t talk for long. I’m in a whole heap of trouble. My business partner Roger Soul’s coming to the pub to meet me in about half an hour. I forgot to post the insurance form on the shop so we ain’t covered...

JIMMY: ...for the fire. 

FRED: What? You numpty!

JIMMY: I know. But that’s only half of it. Mo Greensmith’ll be after my blood as well.

FRED: How come?

JIMMY: Long story short, she wants to get her own back on Rog for what he did to her Benny ten years ago. That Denise is her niece. She’s been acting as a mole and I’m piggy-in-the-middle. I’m toast whichever way I turn, so I’m out of here. I’ll pack a bag and go..

FRED: (CUTTING IN) I don’t wanna know. I shall plead the fifth if anybody asks me.

JIMMY: Yeah, fair enough. I’ll send you a postcard.

FRED: No, don’t send me anything. I wanna be able to sleep easy. Goodbye, Jimmy. Hope it keeps fine for yer.

        FX: SOUND OF CALL ENDING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) I decided to head for Scotland. I’d never been there before so I caught the overnight sleeper to Edinburgh. Not surprisingly my phone kept ringing over the following days. Calls from Rog, Mo and Denise all enquiring after my whereabouts and issuing threats to my health and welfare, no doubt. I didn’t bother listening to the voicemails, just deleted them straight off. They stopped calling after a few weeks, so I began to breathe a bit more easily. Had a stroke of luck too. Put a bet on with the last of my savings and the nag came in at a 100-1! Guess what it was called: Jolly Roger! Laugh? I nearly cried. I also sent Rog a letter warning him about Mo’s plans for revenge. I thought that was the least I could do. I took a day trip to Newcastle to post it, just to cover my tracks. I’m not that stupid. Then some weeks later I get another call from Rog. I don’t answer it, but I did listen to the voicemail this time.

      FX: SOUND OF VOICEMAIL BEING LEFT

ROGER: Wherever you are, Jimmy, and I’m assuming it’s not Newcastle where you sent that letter from, I hope you’re having fun, ‘cos I’m not! You’ve left me in right pickle. But then, that was always your way, wasn’t it? Cut and run when the going gets tough instead of facing up to your responsibilities. To put it crudely, you’re a dog turd on the sole of my shoe. Someday you’ll get your come-uppance. That’s the way the odds work for a gambler. It’ll end badly for you. At least I have that comfort. 

Oh, and as for your warning about Denise and Mo Greensmith. I’ve sorted it. It didn’t come cheaply, but Mo saw sense and accepted my generous offer. That’s the thing in business: everyone has their price. I don’t suppose we’ll be sending each other Christmas cards, but at least common sense has prevailed. You won’t be surprised to learn that Denise is no longer in my employ. I did give her a good reference, though. I’m sure she’ll do well; she’s a smart cookie. 

Oh, and you’ll be pleased to know the fire was caused by an electrical fault in the flat above the shop, so I’ve managed to get the landlord’s insurance company to cough up a fair wack towards the refurb. But I’m still out of pocket to the tune of several grand, which I don’t suppose I’ll ever get back. You owe me big time! 

You’re also in breach of our business contract on several counts so I’d be within my rights to sue the backside off you. But as I don’t suppose you have the means to repay me, there’s not much point. Well, Jimmy, I guess our paths are unlikely to cross again anytime soon, and if they do, you won’t exactly get a warm welcome, as I’m sure you realize. Hope you’ve learned a lesson from this, if nothing else. Addio, as they say in Italian.

        FX: SOUND OF MESSAGE ENDING

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) I was both relieved and sad. At least no blood had been shed up to that point that is. I did feel bad about letting Rog down and running away when the going got tough. He’d always looked out for me ever since we were at school, and now he’d lost what little respect he ever had for me. I figured I’d lie low in Scotland for a while till the heat died down, then make my way discreetly back to London. I knew I’d have to move to a different manor, so I decided to take a risk and entered the “Badlands”, or South London to be polite.  I kept my head well below the parapet, hoping not to attract attention from any unwanted corners, found a decent pub to frequent: not as friendly as the “Dog and Duck”, but quiet with good beer.  It still had separate bars and a snug – retained its character. I went in there one day to have a quiet pint and peruse the runners and riders in the Racing Post, when Mick the landlord said…

MICK: Oh Jimmy, someone was asking for you before you came in.

JIMMY: Who?

MICK: I dunno. I didn’t see them. I was down in the cellar. Annie served them. They’re in the snug. 

JIMMY: (VOICEOVER) Now, if I’d had my wits about me, I’d have legged it sharpish. But, you know what tghey say about curiositry and felines so…

       FX: DOOR OPENING

MO: Well, look who it is! Little Jimmy McIver…long time no see. We’ve missed you. Come in. Come in – pull up a tombstone, so we can ‘ave a nice cosy chat about your future, such as it is.


       FX: FADE UP END MUSIC THEN FADE DOWN UNDER FINAL CREDITS

ANNOUNCER: In Crudely Badly Cheaply by Nigel Banks, the role of Jimmy McKiver was played by Mike Rivarno, Roger Soul by Jim Newberry, Mo Greensmith by Lisa Nightingale, Denise by Emma Willetts and Fred by Mike Ayris. Other parts were played by members of the company. Sound effects, editing and engineering were done by Robbie Burgess. The play was produced by Nigel Banks. This was an Old Dolly production.

      FX: FADE UP MUSIC AGAIN THEN FADE OUT AFTER SUITABLE TIME



            THE END