The Reality of Life Balance

In today's episode, we talked about The Reality of Life Balance

We grew in a generation where most of the tasks are assigned to women because men need to go out and work for the family. We grew up having this kind of mindset. As moms, we tend to think that we have to be martyrs. And we have to do everything ourselves.

Where in fact, men and women should be balanced in everything. Regardless of your differences, you all pull together, you support each other, and you did whatever it took to keep each other afloat. Family should be more of a team effort. We tell ourselves that life balance means that we can like juggle all of the plates at the same time, or keep all the plates spinning. But no, we just have to delegate tasks or take a moment to ourselves to process whatever's going on. And then, in the end, you're ready to move forward and get done.

Always remember, you don't have to do everything every single day, you have to let go. And you can't feel guilty.

Links mentioned in this episode:
2022 Seed Varieties
Pampered Gardener Box by Kitchen Botanicals
The Self Sufficient Life
Not So Modern Living

Episode Sponsor
Kitchen Botanicals
Use code GROUNDED for 20% off your first purchase.

If you enjoyed today's episode and you love this show, can you help us convince others to listen too? All you have to do is leave a quick review and rating (and subscribe if you haven't already). That would mean the world to us. Thank you so much!

Support the show

Transcript

Danielle McCoy: 0:03

Welcome to the Grounded and Simplicity podcast where we are helping moms get back to basics and learn to find joy and being less busy. I'm Danielle from the Rustic Elk, joined by my good friend Bonnie from The Not So Modern Housewife. And this week, we are talking about the Reality of Life Balance.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 0:21

Hahaha!

Danielle McCoy: 0:22

And its lack of existence..

Bonnie Von Dohre: 0:28

Well, I think that we tell ourselves that life balance means that we can like juggle all of the plates at the same time, or keep all the plates spinning, or whatever that analogy is. And that's not it at all like, and I mean, one we've grown up, like being made to feel so guilty, if we don't keep all of the things going at the same time. But then also we internalize that. So now, like, we have that voice in our ears, that if I can't, if I can't do all of this, then I must be lacking as a human as a mom as a wife. Because we've set this ridiculous. I don't know expectation for ourselves, that is not attainable by the average human being.

Danielle McCoy: 1:24

Right. Well, like we've talked about before and busyness and how it's supposed to be like your measure of success in our society. And so we feel like if we're not constantly busy and constantly juggling 10 million things, then we're not successful. So, you know, we must learn to be a good human or employee, or mom, or whatever it may be. So I think we have to kind of like, step back and realize that, you know, you're not supposed to do all of the things like never in the history of mankind has. One person had the entire world on their shoulders, but we act like it has to be. Yeah.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 2:03

And I think a lot of it like, it goes back to this like, picture perfect 1950's wife, that we need to be like cleaning the house and ironing our husband shirts, in our Sunday best and pearls and high heels. And we'd have this tiny little waist, and you know, all this kind of stuff. I saw this meme recently, I think it was probably on Facebook, that was like, you know, we, we think that we should be able to do all of these things that the 1950's housewife was expected to do. But we forget that back then it was socially acceptable to smoke cigarettes, and there was cocaine in the cough medicine. So we're living in a different world, folks. And it's never naturally attainable,

Danielle McCoy: 2:58

Right. And they didn't have, like, the modern world isn't quite the same as it was in the 1950's. Either, like, our calendars are different. And you know, like more women are in the outside workforce, and they don't stay home. And so our workloads are completely different than they were in the 1950s. Yeah, well, in,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 3:19

You know, we had, we had closer communities. So I mean, you truly had a tribe, you had, you know, you had people who spent their entire lives and never like, physically left their county. So, you know, the entire family lives right there, the entire family does everything together. I mean, I'm not saying it was the best environment, because we all know that there were a lot of toxic things that then got passed down to the baby boomers, and then on to us. But if you needed help getting all of the stuff done, then you had your support system, and you had a family right there that could help you do it. Or at the very minimum, watch your kids so that you could get it done.

Danielle McCoy: 4:02

Right. And, you know, I know we had grocery stores and stuff in the 50s. But it still wasn't as predominant as it is now having you know, to go to the grocery and get a bunch of food, they have milk delivery, most people towns, at least around here in Indiana, they had backyard chickens. My grandma grew up in the late 40s 50s. Well, early 40s And she graduated 1960 Any I know that she's told me stories about her mom go out in the backyard and grab a chicken and bring it snack and that was dinner. And they lived in town. That was just you know, that was normal. So yeah, you know, the women weren't going to the grocery store every day to grab food to put on the table. They were you know, all the work was done right there.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 4:47

Yeah. Not to mention, yeah, but you think about, you know, most of the working adults in the 50s I don't know how I ended up honing in on the 50s but honestly, like, if I really look at the expectations on women now, in modern times, whether you are living the homesteading lifestyle, or you're just a suburban mom, whatever, a lot of it does seem to stem from that time period. But anyway, a lot of the working adults in in the 50s were born during the Great Depression, the grandparents at like, live through the Great Depression. So that's still very much everyone's minds. They're probably still emotionally and financially recovering from that. And so, and to mention cost of living was so much lower back then. But, um, food prices are another topic for another episode. Anyway, but you know, it's just, there was a total, totally different mindset back then. And yes, there was a lot more of a, like, self sufficiency, frugal living emphasis, but it was still very much survival. It wasn't because, hey, we have the option to do this, we're choosing to do this. It was like, literally, this is just what you do you have no other choice,

Danielle McCoy: 6:13

Right. Right up until, you know, I would say probably closer to the 60s that that was just what you did. And like you said, you know, you had all these people that lived through the Great Depression, or their parents lived through the Great Depression, fresh in their minds. And things hadn't changed to where we were so connected from our food. And we're women were so an integral part of our workforce. I know that most women started going to work during the Second World War, but we were still at that stage where, where not as many women worked outside the home. So they had time to close things. And up until women really serve the workforce. Or if you think about it, our jobs were just to be nurturers and you know, read PIDs and milk the cow or, you know, whatever it may be, and the man did all the hard, however you want to label it. And it's definitely right since then.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 7:11

Yes, the man sacrificed by leaving the home every day, and all of the mental burden that comes with trying to keep your children alive and your house from burning down. But he was the one who was sacrificing because he had to, you know, go out and do his thing, uninterrupted in an office, or wherever. I'm not better at all. But really, I

Danielle McCoy: 7:45

But you know, you think about it, men used to be home to before the Industrial Revolution, especially people were both parents were home. And so you know, you just shared the workload. And then it became the men after the Industrial Revolution, the men worked outside of the home and went to a job to pay for the things and the woman stayed home. And then the women started force. And yet we didn't start to share the workload at home.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 8:15

Right, and you think about it, there was really only a couple generation me really probably only like one generation between there. Because the reason that I mean, part of the reason that the depression was so significant and hit so many families so hard was the family farm was their livelihood. And so when they were no longer able to sell things from the farm, not to mention, if they were in the dustbowl, and going through, you know, a famine during the same time and everything that went on then. I mean, they literally lost everything. And a lot of men had a really hard time coping with that. So they saw security in going and working from, you know, in a factory, because it was a steady paycheck, and they didn't have to worry about, you know, whether or not they could put food on the table. You know, I mean, you know, back then, well, eventually, we had unions, and then we had pensions and all of these things. So, like for our parents, getting a job outside of the home was the most stable and secure thing you could do for your family. But yes, there was still that expectation that everything inside of the home was the woman's responsibility.

Danielle McCoy: 9:31

Right. I think that part of it is definitely we, I would say as a society need to learn and teach that it's both, you know, if you have to be in your home, it's both of your jobs to do all the house stuff. You know, within reason like I do more than my husband does, but my way from home 14 hours a day, but when he's home, you know he does things he pulled the vacuum out the other day.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 10:03

Oh, no, that's impressive.

Danielle McCoy: 10:07

So, you know, I, as a society, we have to realize that you learn to share the load of all of the things. But as women and as mothers, we have to realize that, you know, it's not really all up and you don't have to do everything every single day, you have to let go. And you can't feel guilty. My kids are watching a TV show right now. So I'm not going to feel guilty that I'm sitting here working with you, instead of being, you know, center attention with my kids. And then there's the sync, and you know, that kind of stuff. Yeah.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 10:43

Well, and you actually mentioned that, and it's funny, because so many people get up in arms about like, having screens in your car, like for road trips, and stuff like that, because oh, we grew up like we sang all these songs. And we played games the whole time. You know, what, as the parent, I do not want to be singing songs and playing games the entire time I am driving to Ohio. Like, I'm just like, I just go to the grocery store, and I grit my teeth. When my kids say they want to play I spy. Like, like, seriously, we can only guess so many blue, green and brown things like really, because that's all the time you drive past it. If someone hasn't guessed it, by the time you drive past it, that's it game over whose turn is it next like. So, I am perfectly fine with like kids having the screens, if they will leave me alone, because honestly, riding in the car is usually the only time I can listen to audio books or podcasts. And that's kind of like what fills me up. And the only way I'm going to get them to not annoy the crap out of me, because we don't want to listen to your broadcast is if they have something else that they are watching or listening to. So sometimes you do it for your own sanity, and it's okay. Like, it's, it's not the end of the world. If we take advantage of the the technology that's, that's available to us. I'm not saying that we need to, like completely become zombies to it, we need to set limits, like we understand that we are the ones who are in charge of it. But it's still not the end of the world if if we use it.

Danielle McCoy: 12:34

Right, as long as you use it in moderation, a good way however you want to, you know, word it in, you're not just you know, always diverting to the TV or the tablet, of course. I mean, you know, you do you but at the same time, I don't think that that's probably a very good idea. Or out. I would push up, put them outside, but it's not very..

Bonnie Von Dohre: 12:59

Well, and I actually saw something. I don't know, his I think it was one of my parenting groups that was saying that, rather than timeout, I mean, this time to go outside. Because I don't, I don't like timeouts just for the fact that I have to sit there and micromanage my kids to make sure they stay in timeout. And like that doesn't really help either of us. So if they are upset about something or they're having a meltdown, or they're not listening or whatever, it's probably a sign that we both need, like a mental break. And they just need to go outside and like swing on the swing set. Go play with baby goats go chase a chicken, like, just go outside and get some fresh air and unplug for a little bit.

Danielle McCoy: 13:44

Exactly. And I think we unplug definitely is the key. Sometimes we definitely just need to, you know, unplug ourselves to..

Bonnie Von Dohre: 13:53

Oh, yeah. I start getting annoyed with like the stupidity of people. That's when it's time to turn off Facebook for the day.

Danielle McCoy: 14:05

I mean, five seconds, but

Bonnie Von Dohre: 14:07

Yeah, some days are better than others. Um, but I mean, really, like, I think that I almost get bored with social media. And then I'm just like, I don't even want to get on it because it's not serving me. It's not making me feel better when I get on it. I'm just ending up in a worst mood after I've been on it. And so yeah, like I mean and even I enjoy Tik Tok because it's I don't know, it does tend to put me in a better mood. Now maybe it's all the 13 year old pugs, but I still when we lost our miniature horse last month. I took like a month off from tick tock because I'm just I'm like I would kind of check it every once in a while. But I'm like I'm just I'm not in the right manner. to space for it. I don't, I don't want to be creating anything, I don't want to be interacting with people, I just I need some time to just process and decompress. And and that's okay. Like I, I, I felt a lot better by taking that break, and giving myself that space, and not having to feel like I needed to like put on a facade for anybody else, because I needed to process my grief. So I think Not to mention, I was going through a lot of other crap too, with my eczema. But that's

Danielle McCoy: 15:35

I think that's fun, though, too. You know, you've talked about social media and how it makes you feel crappy? Well, first off, I think it's designed that way. Because, you know, you see, first off, you either see all these people that you think have it better than you because of the way you know, their curated squares look on Instagram, or, you see people with differing opinions that want to just are, I'm on Facebook. And I think we have to, you know, take a step back from so and put a limit on it, or just, you know, like, get rid of it altogether, and, you know, have like a social media cleanse, or whatever it may be. And I can definitely help you find balance in your life. Because when we end up Mindlessly scrolling, then we're wasting time that we could be doing something else to find a better balance lives.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 16:21

Yeah. And like, you know, there are times I will use like entertainment to just kind of decompress. Lately, I've actually I've been using music more than anything for that, because I can listen to it. And it kind of like, like, I'll pick something with a nice upbeat tempo, and it'll get me motivated. And so I can keep, like, working and doing things while it's playing. But if you if, you know, if you're using Facebook, or Instagram, or Tiktok, or YouTube or whatever, to help, kind of get your mind off of things. I think it's, I don't want to put this it's important to set a timer for yourself. So, you know, and it's like, it's similar to I think it was Hal Elrod book, Miracle equation, he's Same, same want to do miracle mornings. Same guy. Yeah, yeah. So he has another book called Miracle equation, where he talks about going through his cancer treatments and everything. And even getting the cancer diagnosis, basically, he only gives himself five minutes to feel bad. And then after five minutes, he needs to pull himself together, and just kind of accept it and move forward. And he's like, it's definitely something that takes practice, he's like, you know, I'm not telling you that if you've never done this before, you can just magically feel better after five minutes. But if you've practiced this, and you only give yourself like, you know, five minutes to buffer five minutes to feel bad, five minutes to just kind of like, take a moment to yourself to process whatever's going on. And then, at the end of those five minutes, it's like, okay, now I need to move forward and get done. And, you know, figure out what I'm going to do about this, right. And I think it can be the same thing with that, especially if we're using it to buffer, avoid, you know, whatever else is going on, or just, or even if it's just trying to get rid of the feeling of overwhelm. I think that if you set yourself a timer for 5 10 15 minutes, and it's like, okay, that's enough of that. Now, I need to figure out, you know, what I'm going to do about this, or how, you know, I need to deal with this, because obviously, putting it off, and trying to avoid it only ends up adding to the anxiety long term.

Danielle McCoy: 18:53

Right, I heard somebody was talking earlier about making decisions. And she was talking about how, like, she'll have an important decision she needs, and she'll be in the middle and other things. But she needs to make this decision now his business, but you know, about anything. And so she'll stop whatever she's doing, if she goes on her closet, and she just takes a deep breath, and she gives herself five minutes, and then she can make a good decision. Instead of just, you know, I made this decision and a crappy one, because I made it in the midst of a woman. I just said, yeah, that just do that. Just like, you know, ask you something and you're in the middle of 10 other things. And you're like, Yeah, whatever, go do it. And then they've got toothpaste all over the walls, because you told him you can paint paint. I mean, you know, I mean, I've

Bonnie Von Dohre: 19:47

Gotten myself into trouble so many times, because my kids are interrupting something that I'm focusing on. And I just go like, yeah, okay. No idea what I just can tell.. Yeah. And, like, I've even heard that with making purchases, like, especially sometimes, especially if I'm like feeling overwhelmed, I will feel like I need this thing right now. Because somehow it is magically going to help my overwhelm, it's gonna help me be better organized, have better time management, you know something, to fix this problem that I'm dealing with. And then I'll just buy it. And then either it's not really what I wanted, or I don't end up using it, it doesn't fix the problem. And so I've what I've heard a lot of times is put, put whatever it is in your cart. And don't check out for 24 hours. And then after 24 hours, you decide Do you still need that thing? Do like, is it actually going to fix the problem, or whatever it is. Unfortunately, as much as I wish it would throwing money at a problem very rarely actually fixes the problem.

Danielle McCoy: 21:01

Unless your roof is leaking.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 21:03

Well, but then you still have to, like, you know, hire a good roofer. You can't just hire the first roofer, that gives you a sales pitch.

Danielle McCoy: 21:14

Yeah, that's true. And start to make a decision.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 21:17

Yeah. Back to go moms and life balance? Oh, no, I guess that is kind of still, it's still life balance. Because the problem is, if we do avoid too much, we're never going to find that balance with anything.

Danielle McCoy: 21:33

Because if you know, don't take a minute to ourselves, and decisions, which affect our ability to balance our lives, because we just bought the $300 thing that did not fix anything, and now we have to come up with the money to pay for the $300. Then know, are getting the toothpaste off the wall.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 21:56

Well, and so, I think a lot of this comes back to you know, we talked about how a lot of this seems to fall on women. The problem is, I don't like I don't think that at least most modern husbands are really trying to put that burden on their wives, or their at least not trying to come across as they're putting that burden on their wives. And obviously, this doesn't apply to like, single moms, I honestly don't know how they survive, but they are stronger people than I am. But we, we have to realize that a lot of times that burden is in our heads. And we're putting that burden on ourselves because of whatever I mean, it usually it is because of some kind of mindset that we've been raised with. And, you know, we've been taught that, that that's what the wife does, that's what you know, that's what you have to do as, as a wife, as a mother. And, to me, like family should be more of a team effort. And when you are in a family. And you know, we talked about this a little bit like when it was when families lived closer together, and it was more of a community. And you were related to half the people in your town, you know, that, that sense of family all like, regardless of your differences, you all pull together, and you support each other, and you did whatever it took to keep each other afloat.

Danielle McCoy: 23:28

Right.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 23:29

The biggest difference with now is that a lot of our families are more spread out. And you know, and there there may be family differences to where you can't rely on that family, even if they are local. So with our family, both because of geographical separation and differing opinions, we can really only rely on, you know, the people who live in our house. But to me, it's important like to teach my children that, as a member of the family, we all, we all help each other. Like if we see something that needs to be done. If we see something that's wrong needs to be fixed, then we don't need to just place it on someone else and say, well, that's so and so's responsibility, because that's their pet or their mess or whatever. Like we all come together and we all help each other. And I have a four year old who still dumps all of the toys all over the floor, and I'm still trying to teach my two older ones that regardless of who made the mess we all have to work together..

Danielle McCoy: 24:32

Exactly. Everyday.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 24:38

And, you know, I'm still working on my husband there too. But you know, a lot of times I'm getting overwhelmed with all of the stuff that I feel like I need to do. When if I would just tell my husband hey, look like I need you to do this. Because believe like, I've always kind of joked about this, but it is legitimate men named a poster board with like bold letters that specifically says what you need, you cannot assume that they will read between the lines. Because, like, they don't see the lines. I can set like, I can complain all day long about how I can't function. Because the kitchen is messy or the, you know, or whatever. The house is cluttered, we need less stuff, whatever. What I need to say is husband, I love you, you need to get rid of this. Or I need you to do this, like I need. He needs specific instructions. And I can't read it out in a honey do list and stick it on the fridge because it's way too easy for him to walk past it pretend it never existed. Like I have to spell out. This is what I need you to be doing right now.

Danielle McCoy: 25:54

Right.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 25:54

So and yeah, it is it is hard, like both of our husbands work a lot. Now granted, since COVID, my husband's and spending more time working at home, which has been a blessing and a curse. Like it legitimately took me six months to get used to the idea of him being in the house every day. And they're still tired now. So I know, there are still times where I'm like, can you just go back? Can you just can you can you just go away, just go back just just just just go away like I don't whether it is him coming out of the office to tell me about some issue with a co worker or a job or whatever a client, or if it's just to him come out and tell a really bad dad joke. Like, I'm just gonna just just go away, just just I just don't need this right now. But now that we are two years into this, on the days when he does go to the office, right

around like 2: 26:48

33 o'clock, I'm texting him. So how you're working today. So what do you need help? Cuz I hit my breaking point. And I want to make sure that you're not working until 9pm. Because I need a break.

Danielle McCoy: 27:03

Right.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 27:04

Three children will be locked out of the house. Yes, it makes it nice for me. It also makes it nice that it's not zero degrees outside and I have the option of locking my children out of the house. But before CPS gets called on me, it doesn't happen that often. So..

Danielle McCoy: 27:24

And they're safe, and they're not like you're not watching them or you know, making sure.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 27:30

I mean Kili just me, my neighbors know everything I do in my yard, my children are fine. Like there are at least three people watching my property at all times. So we can gossip about us. So our children are being supervised.

Danielle McCoy: 27:50

I think is you know, as especially moms, we we tend to think that we have to be martyrs. And we have to do everything ourselves. And makes it very, very difficult to find a balance where you're comfortable with, you know, all these plates spinning. If you don't, you know, let go of the martyrdom and just kind of learn to delegate things or let things go like, you know, you don't have to have no dust on your coffee table, or all of your dishes washed all the time or all of your laundry folded and put away like you know, those things aren't really important. And they're not the things that your kids are gonna remember anyway, like, Oh, I remember my mom always had all the socks folded and put it in a drawer. I mean, you know, it's not going to be important to them. So I think we have to learn to let go of that stuff and delegate and let things go. And, yes, that we're teaching our kids these things. And I think we have to take that into consideration as well. Because if we're constantly busying ourselves with 10 million things we have to do, then they see that and they think of that, especially girls, but even boys, boys, boys assume that that's what women are supposed to do. And girls assume that that's what they're supposed to grow up and do. And then we end up in the same vicious cycle over and over and over again. And so I think we have to let things go and learn to balance you know things and do things that we enjoy. Like it doesn't have to be all about your kids. It doesn't have to be all about your farm. It doesn't have to be all about keeping your house clean and doing housework or being somebody's employee or an entrepreneur or any of those things. You know, sometimes we have to let all that go and just do something for us.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 29:35

Right. This episode was brought to you by Kitchen Botanicals, your sustainable gardening headquarters. Stop by kitchenbotanicals.com and get a look at our 2022 seed varieties as well as supplies and pest control products to help you with your organic garden. 2022 is a great time to take care of yourself with our Pampered Gardener Subscription Box. Every month you'll receive all natural self care products. untreated heirloom seeds, high quality garden tools, organic garden amendments, cute impractical supplies and fun products that we know you'll love. This is your opportunity to take care of yourself in the garden, I started the pampered gardener subscription box. Because I had gone through a time of not taking care of myself and dealing with the stress that it put onto my body. I was ill I was tapped out and I felt like I couldn't possibly pour any more out of my empty cup. So I created the pampered gardener subscription box for women like me who wanted to get back to what they enjoy, but also wanted to love themselves. So we've put together this collection of gardening and self care products that are geared towards women who love to garden, you'll get things such as gloves, lotion, bags, hats, sunscreen, mosquito repellent, things that you can actually use, but also things that you'll enjoy. And don't worry, there will still be plenty of gardening tools, seeds, we've created a subscription box like no other by gardeners for gardeners order your own box today. Like there are a lot of things that I wish I had time for every day. But the fact is, I have a four year old, a seven year old and an 11 year old, the 11 year old is finally to the point where for the most part, I can give him a task and he will do it, I will have to remind him 30 times, but he is capable of at least doing most tasks on his own, maybe with some guidance. The seven year old is at that point where I need to kind of train her up a little bit. I you know, I really need to like, do the things with her support her because everything still feels very big to her and very overwhelming. And so I need to help her like breaking things down. And I mean really, even the 11 year old still has moments where he feels very overwhelmed. And I need to help him just see things one piece at a time.

Danielle McCoy: 31:58

Right.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 31:59

And then there's the four year old who I could literally spend the entire day, just following him around and cleaning up his messes. So I mean, and not to mention he is the baby. And he is a mama's boy. And like he is driving his brother and sister nuts because he comes up to me like every 10 minutes just to tell me that he likes me and to give me a kiss. So he like he wants all the cuddles, he wants all the attention. Like if he sees me focused on something else, he's got to bring the attention back to himself. So I am not going to be able to do all of the things. And that's okay. And it's okay, if my daughter's favorite food is stuffed crust, cheese, pizza and hot dogs wrapped in croissant rolls. Like, in macaroni and cheese. We can't forget the macaroni and cheese. Um, but it's we're only here for this period of time. And I am like my main objective here is to raise decent human beings. So it's okay if I can't get all of the things done right now. Because I still have to, you know, put so much time and focus into them. Because really, we're only a few years away from them being teenagers and they don't need me anymore. And they know everything I know, right? Alright, so we did kind of talk or you talked about this a little bit is how we're allowed to have goals and hobbies. And some, like, my husband is pretty good about this. If I say like I need a day to do this, then he will take all three kids and go and do something else so that I can just do this so I can focus. It's my kids. I usually have to set boundaries with like, you know, I cannot be mommy all the time. Sometimes like Daddy is literally right there. I mean, I don't. I'm sure your kids do it too. My husband will be in the kitchen getting something. I am like sitting in the living room working on my computer and my kids come into me. Oh, that's daddy getting in the kitchen. Why don't you go ask daddy!

Danielle McCoy: 34:08

Right or, Hey, Mom, can you go in the kitchen? And no, how about you asked him. He's right there. Right?

Bonnie Von Dohre: 34:16

Like, can I have a glass of milk? I literally have to ask your dad to move out of my way so that I can even get the milk out of the refrigerator. So could you just go ask him like he's right there. So yes, so it's it's usually it and I will be the first to admit I am really bad at setting and holding boundaries with my kids. Because I can't handle the tears of the meltdowns and I logically I know that I am making it worse for myself in the long run. You are however, I am just like you know what? Nevermind. This isn't worth the drama. This isn't worth the stress. You are raising my blood pressure eat the chocolate and leave me alone.

Danielle McCoy: 35:04

I think that that definitely ties into time management as far as setting boundaries, especially with our children, because we can't, we can't, especially if we're a stay at home moms and we homeschool, like you and I do that we can't get away from being mom, unless we learn to set those boundaries. And if we can't get away from being mom, then we can't get anything else done. Because, you know, we're all we always have our mom hat on, we don't ever have, you know, I want to sit here and crochet a blanket hat on or I just want to sit and veg on the couch and watch this silly television show or scroll Facebook for a minute, or, you know, whatever it may be put my entrepreneur hat on work.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 35:44

So you're saying that you need time to buffer? Watch a screen and be entertained? Hold on, rewind, no, no.

Danielle McCoy: 35:55

But if we don't, you know, learn to set boundaries with our kids. You know, like when I work, I'm trying really, really hard to get them to realize that I'm working. And when mommy has her workout on mommy's not mommy, and I'm not going to you know, referee you guys, and I'm not going to find 10,000 things for you to do. And if you come ask me a question, when I'm in the middle of working, the answer is no. It's always going to be no, you should have asked me when I told you I was getting ready to start working.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 36:22

So and yeah, and I think to like you were talking about the time management is, I think it does help and when we set work hours for ourselves, or school hours or whatever, you know, say, from eight to nine is mommy time, and I am going to be drinking wine and reading a book in the bathtub, and I'm locking the bathroom door and no one is to knock on the bathroom door. Like, sometimes that's what it is, you know, right? Um, but yeah, but holding that and saying no, this is this is my work time. Because I mean, I will admit, I, I'm really trying to spend less time on my phone. But a lot of it has come from my kids actually telling me, You're always on your phone. And you know, you never let us use your phone. And you always say that you're working. And it's like, well, I mean, I do a lot of work stuff on my phone. And so that's kind of why like I said, I actually scheduled Do Not Disturb times on my phone for when I know I need to be doing other things or like I need to be focusing on my kids, I need to be making dinner, I need to be working whatever it is. Because every time I would get a message, I would feel like I need to reply to it right now. It's like no, you know, it'll be okay. If they have to wait a couple hours for a reply. You know, it's not the end of the world. Yeah, whatever it is, it might not be work. It might literally be, you know what i Whatever, whatever the thing is that like recharges you. So maybe it is like going out for coffee with friends. I've had to, I've actually held that boundary, where I have told my kids like I am going out to lunch with a friend. No kids are coming it is mommy time. If my 11 year old found out that we ate sushi, he would have a flip. Anyway. Or you know, it might be I'm reading a book, I'm working on a sewing project I'm knitting, I'm just like, the other I think it was actually yesterday, I locked my kids out of my bedroom just so I could do a 20 minute hypnosis session because it's like I, I need to like, slow down my brain and focus. And I'm getting way too stressed out about stuff. And I need to do this for me. And so yeah, sometimes, you know, and yes, sometimes it means we have to lock the door to set a physical boundary. But it's still I think making that time for ourselves.

Danielle McCoy: 38:49

Right. I think if we you know, learn to set boundaries, when mom's working. You know, when you're doing anything, it makes you as a mom more available to your kids. Like if I if I have time to myself to sit and read a book or watch a show or you know, and it's it's my time and nobody can bother me. It's my time I don't care if you're soaking in the bathtub or whatever it is that you want to do. It's going to help you decompress and just be yourself. Then you can show up 100% for your kids. But if you're constantly trying to you know, do all the things and juggle it and avoid doing the things that you want to do so that you can decompress and just you know be I can just be Danielle, then I think it's harder for you to show up for your kids. I mean, you're there for them. But you know what I mean? Like you know your time with them isn't as how do I want to say this your your you're more distracted, I guess.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 39:51

Yeah. Well, and I think it's I think it's two parts. So one you are refilling your cup. You know you you are recharging Doing your usually will help you just feel better, like mentally and physically, when you've had that time to just do what you enjoy, and not constantly giving of yourself and not constantly focusing on what everybody else wants or needs.

Danielle McCoy: 40:16

Right.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 40:16

But then also like, if you've scheduled that time for yourself, then you know that, okay? I don't need to worry about, like, getting time for myself, right now I can focus just on this, I can focus on this project on cleaning the house on taking care of my kids on whatever is important for my family. Because I know I'm getting this time later.

Danielle McCoy: 40:41

Right.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 40:44

And it needs to be like, on an almost daily basis, not like once a month or once a week. So..

Danielle McCoy: 40:51

Right, because, you know, I hear people say that they don't have time for, I guess you can call it self care, or whatever you want to call it. But, you know, if you don't make time for yourself, then you don't, you're not going to be able to balance the other time that you have to do the other things. Like I feel like you just said, you know, you know, you're going to have that time later. So, you know, you know that you're going to have a minute to yourself. And if you don't have that minute, then you're constantly running around in circles, I guess. And so, so then you I don't feel like I get as much done on the days where I don't do something other than you know, be an entrepreneur and be a mom and be a housewife and you know, all of these different plates that I'm spinning around? If I don't take a minute to just be Danielle, then I don't get as much done.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 41:42

Yeah. Well, and that's yeah, I definitely think that it helps us refocus. And like keep just, it helps just keep our mind straight. But yeah, I need I need that creative time like I, I need it. And the years where I have not put focus towards that. And I have not given myself I literally say years because I have a thick head. And apparently it takes me years to figure out that I need something that it's missing. But yeah, the times when I have not put that focus there, then I literally feel like a shell of myself and I can't I my anxiety goes up. And I just can't give other people all of me. And you know, I always say that, well, not all of me. But you know what I mean? I can't give them what they need. But like I always say people, people make time for what is important to them. You know, a lot of times, we will say, I don't have time for this, I don't have time for that, when really it is just I am not willing to make time for that. Right. But along with that, I think people seem to think that if I make myself a priority, then my family is no longer a priority, if I'm important that my family is no longer important. And that's like not they, they can both be important. Like it doesn't have to be in all or none. Right? So you know, we we take time for ourselves, we make time for ourselves, because our family is important. And because we want to be able to one, show them what it is to be a healthy adult, show them what they should make priorities for as they become adults. And, and guess what we're not we're doing our children a disservice when we're trying to do everything for them and be everything for them honor percent of the time. They like our our jobs as mothers are successful, when our children can leave the nest and be fully functional human beings. Like not under our care. So Right. Um, but yeah, but a lot of that comes back to like showing them what's important, showing them what we need to be our best and feel our best.

Danielle McCoy: 44:02

Right, I think it's important for your kids to see that you make yourself a priority versus, you know, trying to do all the things and be there for them all the time. So that when they do leave the nest that they know that they need to make themselves a priority and so that we can get away from this, you know, societal norm of, we're constantly busy. Because, you know, it just puts us in this, you know, bad crappy frame of mind, because you can't constantly be busy like that. That's not good balance. If you're constantly busy or overwhelmed and have 10 million things you feel like you have to do, then you don't have any life balance at all. And thankfully, well I think that life balance is very difficult to achieve. I don't usually like that.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 44:45

Well, and I'm getting there. I mean, there have definitely been times where I'm like, I literally feel like I'm running around in circles. And I'm like I don't even know what I'm missing right now. Like I can I can tell that something is missing but I don't know what it is like, what am I forgetting? And, you know, the moment that you decide that you don't need to, like, try to focus on everything all at once, then that's when that kind of can calm down. I mean, it takes practice, like you will, for a long time, you will feel like, you're not doing enough, or you should be doing more, and you're gonna have people in your life that are telling you, you're not doing enough, or you should be doing more. And unfortunately, like, I mean, speaking of setting boundaries, sometimes we need to silence those voices in more ways than one, whether it means blocking them on Facebook, or unfollowing them or whatever. You know, maybe that's part of the reason that I don't spend a whole lot of time on Instagram, because I have never, I think I have had so much pressure my entire life to like, always be perfect, that I can't stand the perfection. Right? Like, I don't even I don't want anyone to see me as perfect. I don't want anyone to assume that I'm perfect. I don't want anyone to assume that I think I'm perfect. Like, I want them to see the broken pieces. Maybe not all of the clutter that's in my house, but at least you know, I'll show them a curated amount of clutter in my house. But I'm like, I just I don't want to be that person. I don't want to come off as that person. Right. I think that's why I laugh that you thought that I was like so prim and proper when we first met.

Danielle McCoy: 46:33

I don't know why I thought that I don't know, maybe it's I don't know, your maybe your profile picture made you look that way. I don't know,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 46:41

Baby. And honestly, I mean, back then I was still kind of living under that. I need to come off as having everything put together. Like you know, fake it till you make it. And I'm just like, nope, please, I'm over here faking it. I have no problem with you knowing that I'm faking it. Because..

Danielle McCoy: 46:59

When you sent me that, when you sent me that coffee shot me earlier, I was like, I'm so glad I started talking to her.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 47:08

I knew that you could appreciate that deep personal, did we I will because I don't want to get an explicit rating on this podcast, I will not read what was on..

Danielle McCoy: 47:24

The beam that just I just call that the coffee shop.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 47:28

Just know that it involves some snarkiness and tequila. Yeah, starting to say like stay off of platforms that make you feel right.

Danielle McCoy: 47:39

And I like Instagram. I actually talked to several people on Instagram, and DMS and stuff like that. It's actually how I met the woman that sold us the pig that we put in the freezer. But I think that with any social media, whether it be Instagram, or Tiktok, or anywhere else that people have to realize all that content is typically curated, like it's just little snippets of people's lives. It's not the big picture. And I think like for you, and I that's really difficult, because, you know, how do we curate the content? I want to be authentic and real. But at the same time, I don't necessarily want them to see, you know, that my house is torn apart. Because, you know, I have three kids and a four year old right? You know, like,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 48:23

I hate to say it, but especially for homesteaders and farmers. There. There are so many people that have like curated this image of livestock as pets on Instagram, oh, that then we end up looking like horrible human beings because our animals live in mud, or you know, or they don't have curtains on their nest boxes. And so, I think that's also part of my issue with it is I feel like it's, it's, I don't know, it's kind of it's fed into that whole PETA mindset of like animals are no matter how I say this, I'm gonna sound like a horrible human being. But basically just that like there's there needs to be this standard and everyone needs to live to this standard. And that's how, like, you know, I mean, your your whole your farm needs to be like this picturesque setting and you need to have perfectly set up freeboard fence and a red barn with white trim and yada yada, you know, and it's just, it's, it makes it so it makes it feel so unattainable for so many people who really just want to keep a few chickens in their backyard so they can have eggs for their family. Right? Like we've totally lost what the goal should be here. And you know, and I mean, I'll even this, we can go on this for another episode, but like going into these gardening groups, and you will get like raked over the coals if you are not gardening to their like, utopia, because if you I mean, even if you spray something organic? Oh no, you can't do that. That's wrong, that's gonna hurt something. Right? It's like, yeah, it's gonna hurt the caterpillars that are eating tomatoes.

Danielle McCoy: 50:24

Yeah, I think, you know, people like to get you know, it's like virtue if you don't use any chemicals in your garden or it's, you know, a virtue if you have curtains on your nest boxes, or you know what I mean? Like, they get to get up on their high horse and say, Well, I'm better because right? And it does it makes it look unattainable.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 50:43

Right. And I mean, and I was actually just thinking about this earlier today was like, when when did people become so interested in how other people live their lives? And maybe that's it, maybe it's because they want to be able to like, feel better, somehow. So they have to find like, they have to know everything about your life so they can find something wrong. So that then they can point out how you're wrong. And they're right. Because now it makes them feel better about themselves.

Danielle McCoy: 51:07

So a woman she had, I don't know, five, five kits in a wire cage. They're almost ready for Butcher. And somebody saw..

Bonnie Von Dohre: 51:18

I thought you said like, human kids there for a minute, as I said, kits,

Danielle McCoy: 51:22

rabbit kits out there. And they were in a wire cage. Because yeah, we're farmers. That's how you raise me rabbits. And she had three people get on there and talk about how, what a terrible person she was that those rabbits were on wire cages. And I'm like, you know, what is the quote, you know, your form is easy when your power is a pencil and your 1000 miles from the cornfield, right? So I actually commented on her posts with that, because you know, people, everything looks different. When you're 1000 miles from the cornfield, it looks like it'd be super easy. But believe it or not, people rabbits shouldn't actually be raised most of the time in solid cages unless they're huge, because they have more problems, because they're sitting in there. Yes, they're sitting in their feces, like all day. Yeah, so yeah.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 52:12

And that's honestly, that's probably the biggest reason why I decided to come back to this lifestyle, I guess you could say, because like, I grew up around farming, my first jobs were on farms. And then I decided I was tired of getting dirty for a living. So I went out of business degrees, so I could work in an office and be a glorified secretary and hate every second of it. So I'm back. But that's not why I decided to come back to this. The big reason was because I, I saw how detached people were becoming from their food supply. And I did not want that, like my children to be like that. Right. I wanted, like I wanted them to see all the good, bad and indifferent about it. But I wanted them to at least know what was real and what was just propaganda they're being fed. So basically, raise your kids better than you were raised if you were raised in that type of environment. So on that note, all right. Well, we thank you for joining us today and come check us out and support us on our Patreon at Gounded in Simplicity. Thank you for listening to this episode of the grounded simplicity podcast. If we were able to help you in any way, please share this episode with a friend. And also leave us a review on Apple podcasts. You can also join us over on Patreon at Grounded and Simplicity, and help to support this podcast as well as become a patron and get a behind the scenes look at the creation of our podcasts and even have some input on future episodes. Catch you next time!