Silencing Your Inner Critic

For today's episode, Bonnie and Danielle talked about Silencing Your Inner Critic.

There are times that stress are all over the wrong places all the time and that controls our fight or flight response. It is where our brain will usually go to when we have anxiety and get overwhelmed and these negative thought processes continue. Putting it down on a piece of paper and being able to physically look at it actually helps. It changes how the thought process back to that frontal lobe and causes us to look at it a lot more rationally with the logical part of our brain. Because only then we can really dissect it.

Writing it down helps us to see that it's not as big and scary as our brains led us to believe. It's not something we need to run away from, we can tackle this, we can deal with this. It's just our brain made it feel bigger than it was.

Listen to today's full episode and see how Bonnie and Danielle can help you Silence Your Inner Critic.

Links mentioned in this episode:
2022 Seed Varieties
Pampered Gardener Box by Kitchen Botanicals
The Self Sufficient Life
Not So Modern Living

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Transcript

Danielle McCoy: 0:02

Welcome back to the Grounded in Simplicity Podcast. I am Daniel from the Rustic Elk. And I've got my good friend Bonnie from the not so modern housewife, we are here to help moms get back to basics to find joy and being less busy. And this week we are going to talk about silencing your inner critic.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 0:20

Yes. And I know me personally, it's been rather loud lately.

Danielle McCoy: 0:28

I think it's the stress of just, you know,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 0:33

why do you live? Well, yours?

Danielle McCoy: 0:35

Yeah. And it just, you know, like, every time I think, hey, it's gonna maybe get a little bit better, like something ends than just something else just compounds the whole memory the last few years, and it just like progressively gets worse.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 0:50

Well, that's like I was in a group coaching call yesterday, and we were talking about, or Well, I guess I was talking about the fact that, you know, when this pandemic started, I felt really resilient. And I felt like I could really just roll with the punches, pivot as needed, like I've, you know, I was feeling super, super confident. And then over the last two years, it's like, each time that I've been hit with something and knocked down, like, I've just been a little bit slower to get back up. And it's like, I feel like, I've just, I've lost that resiliency and that confidence. And I think a lot of it is just the fact that we've been so isolated. And we haven't, like, we've just, we've basically just been stuck in our own heads, we've been stuck with our own thoughts. And we don't have anyone else there. I mean, everyone else is stressed out and stuck in their own thoughts. So no one's bolstering each other up, and no one's complimenting each other. And we're not like, all we're seeing day in and day out is all of the things we're not doing or that we're not succeeding at. And we're not having other people telling us, hey, you know, what, you did this thing really good, or, you know, what, you're actually really good at this.

Danielle McCoy: 2:04

Alright, and I think that's, I think that's kind of became like a societal norm, though, just, you know,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 2:09

it was bad beforehand. But I've gotten worse last couple years. And like, I think it's just I think everyone is stressed, and everyone is under pressure. And when that happens, we all turn inward. And I mean, good, bad, indifferent, we becoming a little bit selfish. Right. And, you know, I think that sometimes we do, we need to have that compassion for ourselves. But we need to also have that compassion for others. And we need to remember that, you know what, it's okay to just like, be walking down the street. I do this all the time, if people think I'm crazy. And I think it's just the fact that like, I, my mouth moves faster than my brain sometimes. So I just say it before, I've had a chance to convince myself not to say it. But like, honestly, walking down the street, and I see someone who has a dress that I really liked, or I really liked their hair, or just the fact that I can tell that they've put a lot of effort into their hair or their clothes, and therefore it is important to them. And so I will just let them know, hey, you know what, I really like that, hey, that looks really good. Right? And it's, you know, it's just one little thing to kind of, like, bring a little bit of sunshine to somebody else's day. But it makes me feel good, too, because I noticed something that was important to that other person when they didn't expect anyone else to notice.

Danielle McCoy: 3:30

Right? I think I think we don't do that enough. Like I said, it's like kind of becoming a societal norm to just kind of like, go inward and not, you know, compliment other people or talk to even talk to other people. It's just become like this. You just keep this like, tight inner circle of people that you might talk to once in a while. But you're all just like offloading your problems on one another and not, you know what I mean? Instead of just like having that dialogue of, hey, I think you did this great, you know, or, Oh, that's really cool that you did that, or whatever it may be. And I think we've just kind of gotten away from doing that. Just like, I know, when my husband and I got married, which was forever ago. Everybody, everybody in the county would always wave as you drove past doesn't matter if they knew you or didn't know, you, or you know, and now not near as many people do it. Yeah, it's just you know, and that's over the course of 18 years, which, you know, in the grand scheme isn't really that long. And we're not even at two decades and we've already gotten to the point where, you know, we can't even you know, just and you don't really have to talk to anybody. It's just acknowledging that somebody's there and give me a smile. I'm trying to make their day better just by Hey, you know, you exist.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 4:52

I actually I was driving by somebody yesterday, and I thought that I thought it was someone I knew. But it turned out to actually, I don't think it was the person I thought it was. But just the fact that like, he was like staring me down as I drove past. So I also kind of assumed he knew me. So I waved. And then after the fact, like, I was like, I think I just waved at a complete stranger. Yeah, the normal. What's normal anymore? Yeah. Well, and now it's more normal for me to avoid eye contact with the people that I do know and wave with the complete strangers. There is that that that goes into a whole bunch of inner critic things.

Danielle McCoy: 5:42

Yeah, it does.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 5:44

There's a whole bunch of things there. But anyway. Yeah. So I guess before we get into kind of how to get how to deal with our inner critic, we had kind of a story we were going to tell her or we're going to talk about

Danielle McCoy: 5:59

that apparently, you know, like very little about so. Okay, its purpose.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 6:05

So on it doesn't defeat the purpose. I know enough. Anyway. All right. Along the thread of we tend to focus inward when we're stressed. I have not been watching the news. I have not been like I've had minimal time on Facebook. If I go on Facebook, it's to check like two or three groups that I want to see what's going on in those groups. And then that's, that's it. And maybe occasionally, if there's a fire in the self sufficient Life Group and I have to put it out because Danielle's not going on Facebook, either.

Danielle McCoy: 6:37

No, see, I didn't even know about this until my stepmom told me about it because she was talking about how Oh, okay, cruelly, he was handled, but that's, that's not the part of the story that well, okay.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 6:49

And actually, so that is what kind of triggered me to dive deeper. Because Alright, so backups. So everyone actually knows what we're talking about. We're talking about rich strike. And the first thing that I saw about the race because I didn't watch the race itself, was that he had bitten his Outrider and the Outrider corrected him and being a horse person. I know what it's like to have people see that like that little snippet of you having to correct a horse and blow it totally out of proportion because they've never touched a horse a day in their life. Right, right. And like I've I've got a big dumb gelding, and I love him to death. But he is I mean, he's got he's got marbles for brains. And you cannot let him know how big he is. The second he knows how big he is, you're dead. I mean, he's not that bad. But I have I have handled warmbloods I've been kicked in the head by warmbloods, who knew how big they were and knew they could throw their weight around and they became dangerous, and they would bite and the one in particular that that got me in the head, actually reared up and struck me with his front hoof. All because he didn't get his way. I mean, we're talking about a, you know, 1500 pound animal that has the mental capacity of a toddler, they will have temper tantrums,

Danielle McCoy: 8:21

right? Well, it isn't rich strike. He's not gelded, right. I think he's still

Bonnie Von Dohre: 8:25

probably not normally if they're racing, they're leaving them intact on the off chance that they do well, and they can breed them.

Danielle McCoy: 8:33

Right. So so we're also talking about, you know, hormonal teenager syndrome because he's three,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 8:38

right, he's only three right. And I mean, you're normally not gelding anyway until two or three years old, right? So yeah, so he's got the hormones. And you've got Phillies out there on that racetrack. Two and Three, three years old is when everything's starting to click. But I mean, he was just he was just he was excited. I mean, that's all that's all I can really explain it like I've seen you know, I've seen horses come off a barrel pattern that you literally just have to let them run out of steam before they're going to stop because they just get so wound up doing the barrel pattern. And, and the rider has to kind of be proactive with that, otherwise, they're gonna get hurt. I saw one girl get her leg broken because her horse ran her right into a fence post. Oh, geez. Or it was it was they were coming out, coming up the gate. So they come off the pattern. And usually the riders they just run straight out the gate as they're coming off the pattern. And she she wasn't centered on the gate. And so to her leg would right into that gate post. I think I think she broke her femur, but anyway. Yeah, so I mean, we're talking we're talking an animal that can kill you. So if he had to get you know his head yanked around a car couple of times. It's like, it's really not that big of a deal. Right? Like, I mean, they do much worse to themselves just playing out in the field. Right. But anyway, so yeah, so saw that whole thing saw the outrage. And of course, anytime I see outrage on anything, I want to see the other side of the story because people get outraged about the most ridiculous things nowadays. So I go and I look it up, and I find out the whole story and everything. And like, it's, I mean, it's nothing short of a miracle that he won the contest. Right? He wasn't supposed to be there. No, it wasn't. I mean, I'm assuming they were at least training him for that length of a race. Yes, they were I read a story stakes race. And it's, yeah, I mean, yeah, you're not gonna put you're not gonna put your thoroughbred and because what is it a mile and a half? Mile a quarter? mile and a quarter? Okay. Yeah, yeah, you're not going to run them that distance unless you have built up their endurance to be able to run that distance. Because they're, I mean, they go down that stretch, they are giving everything they have left. And then some because that's where a lot of those injuries come from. Right. So it's not it's it's an expensive race to enter. Yeah, so the fact that they're like, What the hell he wasn't, he was. There was another horse scratch the last minute.

Danielle McCoy: 11:32

Yeah, they had 30 seconds to register him.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 11:34

Yeah. Was it? 40 seconds or 30 minutes? No,

Danielle McCoy: 11:38

like 30 seconds. It was yeah, they were like down to you know, like the last it was

Bonnie Von Dohre: 11:43

it was literally a What the hell not? Yeah. And so he turns around and comes from behind at one odds, whoever was actually brave enough to put money on that horse made out like a bandit.

Danielle McCoy: 12:02

There's somebody in Indiana that made $25,000 I'm like, I think we could have met 10 bucks and at least

Bonnie Von Dohre: 12:12

have a lover the stock market's doing right now. No kidding. I'm sorry, honey, I pulled all of our retirement money out and I'm betting on horses. Don't do that. Don't go. Firemen advice. This is not a financial advice podcast. So anyway, um, yeah. But I mean, even going back further than that, like he he came from pretty good bloodlines. I can't remember I'm not real familiar with thoroughbreds. But I know they they paid a lot of money for his damn they paid a lot of money to breed them. Because with with thoroughbreds, with the Jockey Club, it has to be alive cover. So like a lot of other breeds. They will collect from a stallion and then they will take that one collection and they can split it depending on his sperm count. They can split it across dozens of mares and even then they're making 1000 1500 and up per mare on the breeding fee. Jockey Club. It has to be live cover, meaning that stallion has to mount that mare. So there is no splitting that breeding across multiple mares and you usually have to give them a couple of days to kind of recover that sperm count before they can breed again. So Jockey Club, or any like if you're breeding to these thoroughbred these, these high dollar thoroughbred stallions, you're looking at 10 $15,000 and up. And so yeah, they paid a lot of money to breed them. And then he came out and they're just like, you know, he's a lemon. Yeah, he sold the mayor. They like and I think they tried racing him. He didn't do very well, right. He wound up in a blame race, so they get rid of them. The guy that currently owns him was trying to claim a different horse. And then if that horse got scratched that horse went to somebody else.

Danielle McCoy: 14:14

Yeah, I'm not sure. But I know he was trying to claim a different horse. He ended up claiming him and he only paid like $30,000 for him.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 14:20

Right? Which I mean, again, you consider the amount of money that had gone into breeding and training that horse right you know, I mean, he was probably a half million dollar horse before even got to that point, horses racing that you

Danielle McCoy: 14:35

think about, you know, the $30,000 horse racing against the million dollar horses?

Bonnie Von Dohre: 14:39

Well, right. I mean, usually, like they're, they've been grilled like grooming. It takes on a whole different meaning. We're talking about horses, but normally they are grooming them from their year and a half two year old year to be a Derby winner to or you know to be a contender for the Triple Crown. Right And

Danielle McCoy: 15:05

like you said, it's like nothing short of a miracle that that he won the race like he was what

Bonnie Von Dohre: 15:10

was behind it deep. He made up the whole distance like that last furlough. I mean, it's, it's kind of like a man of war story. I don't know if you ever read Men of War I, okay. I will admit, I know more about the fictional account of men of war than hope, act, the actual man of war. But basically, like, you know, he, I think they had a hard time getting him to race at first, shoot, now I'm gonna have to go back and refresh my memory. Like he, but he was just always like, he was like a color come from behind, like, that's kind of where he got his rush of adrenaline was overtaking all those other horses. But again, like he wasn't expected to really be that great of a horse and right, you know, so and I mean, now he's now he's a legend. So, right there, but yeah, it's, I mean, there's there's gonna be stories written about him. I can see

Danielle McCoy: 16:10

it. Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, I see a, you know, like a Disney movie or something coming up.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 16:17

They might take the biting the other writers

Danielle McCoy: 16:21

probably be a good idea. He'll be up there with, you know, Secretary at my kids watch Secretary the other day. And I'm like, yeah, they could make a movie about bridge strike. And

Bonnie Von Dohre: 16:33

the great irony about secretariat is that I don't think any of his offspring went off to be winners.

Danielle McCoy: 16:40

All there is that

Bonnie Von Dohre: 16:43

gotten really into the Black Stallion books and read all of them. And because I liked his writing style, so much, I went on to read man of war. But it is a fictional account of man of war, but it's from its from the viewpoint of, you know, someone who may have been his grill, kind of. It's a really good book. But yeah, maybe restrike is gonna have one from the viewpoint of Outrider or his trainer, I mean, I bet he is probably quite the handful to train.

Danielle McCoy: 17:19

So the whole point of this is because the horse nor the owner,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 17:24

Nora, about not getting me talking about horses,

Danielle McCoy: 17:28

nor the jockey, so all three of these people, and I believe, you know, even his trainer, they had never even entered a race of this caliber. They never thought in a million years that they just had a chance to win, right? And then, you know, all of a sudden, strike just blows everybody away and wins the race by like, 17 lengths. I think it was Yeah. I mean, he just

Bonnie Von Dohre: 17:56

charged housing anyway, place so they could get some kind of a purse. Like for winning something.

Danielle McCoy: 18:04

But not even the jockey had, you know, like, written in it? Yeah. Right. So you think about all of that stuff. And we talk about, you know, the inner critic, and I'm sure you know, that they have their own inner critics are saying this is probably really stupid and a waste of money, because we're putting him in this very, very expensive race. And he has like no chance of ever winning. Just ask,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 18:29

well and into like, anytime. I mean, using it as an analogy for our lives. Anytime we do something that is bigger than anything we've ever done before. And it feels bigger than ourselves. You get that imposter syndrome that just tells you you're not qualified for this. What are you thinking, to think that you ever let you have any chance at doing this and being successful? You don't know what you're doing? Right? So yeah, yeah. All right. So with that being said, 20 minutes later. I like books, and I like horses. So I love puts the two of them together, and I get excited. All right. So first up, how do we deal with our silencing our inner critic. So first,

Danielle McCoy: 19:18

we have to be aware that we have an inner critic,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 19:22

probably your breathing, you have an inner critic next?

Danielle McCoy: 19:28

No, but you need to be on just knowing that you have an inner critic you have to know. Like you Hi, thank

Bonnie Von Dohre: 19:36

you. How do I

Danielle McCoy: 19:36

separate those two identities? I don't want to say identities do i But you know what I mean? So and me

Bonnie Von Dohre: 19:43

probably identities.

Danielle McCoy: 19:46

Which of the five?

Bonnie Von Dohre: 19:49

So, I think I think the big thing here is recognizing those thoughts that are coming from the inner critic, and recognizing that you They are not truth. They are just they are just thoughts, right? And so if you if you can identify the thought, and sometimes, like, sometimes I can't, I can't identify the thought itself. But I know how I feel. And I know that this feeling is not causing me to take action, it's not serving me. And so I have to kind of work backwards from that and think about, okay, what thought got me to this place? Or maybe what fear got me to this place? And, and go from there.

Danielle McCoy: 20:37

Alright, so, like I said, my whole point wasn't that we all have an inner critic, but it's just, you know, learning to differentiate between the truth and, you know, those negative thoughts that we all have that aren't necessarily true, sometimes I think they probably are. But, you know, you have to separate the the negative, untruth from

Bonnie Von Dohre: 20:59

the right. And I think I think sometimes too, when it comes to our inner critic is when it comes to like that piece of truth is we will take the one time that we failed, and magnify it, and forget every other time that we didn't fail, right? And just focus on that one failure. And I mean, honestly, there are people in our lives that will constantly remind us of that one failure.

Danielle McCoy: 21:25

But we're gonna talk about in a few minutes. So the next point was, so change it you so like, instead of saying, and write it down, is a suggestion that I read. So like, instead of saying, I'm always late, or I can't do this, or I'm never going to you change it to you? And then so let's say, I can't grow tomatoes. I don't know why I want this tomato thing, probably because I need to put him in the ground. But

Bonnie Von Dohre: 21:57

I'm always targeting tomatoes. And I don't know. Yeah. For tomatoes, like, I think it's I think it's maybe because the like the ability to successfully grow tomato must feel like the epitome of gardening. All gardeners and everything else is just gravy.

Danielle McCoy: 22:15

Right? So I can't grow tomato, you would write down, you can't grow tomato. And then you would write a response that says, you know, like, well, I may not be the best gardener. I can successfully grow tomato. So you take you know any of those negative comments, because in your mind, you know, it's, you're telling yourself, your inner critic is probably saying you but your inner critic is talking to you. So you change that I to you. And then you write a positive response, saying the word I so like I said, like, I can't cook. Well, you would say you can't cook said and then your response could be you know, like, I may not know how to cook well, but I can learn. Right? So that was that was a tip that I read that I was like, you know, that kind of makes sense. Because you're identifying the fact that you have negative thoughts, but you're changing it from labeling you and then spinning it around and making it something more positive.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 23:19

Yeah. Well and like going back to the gardening example. I mean, you can even because what I hear a lot of times is I have a black thumb I can't I can't garden I can't grow anything. Well, no, the truth is you killed a couple of plants. The truth is, I kill a lot of plants that is not what you know, that does not mean that you are incapable of ever growing anything ever. Right? You just you turned around to I can try again. I can learn from my mistakes I you know, and I think that's like a lot of parents nowadays are teaching their kids to say I can do hard things so that when they get frustrated they have that affirmation in the back of their head that okay, yeah, this is hard but I can do hard things. Right I can I can do this I can get past this. Right and

Danielle McCoy: 24:17

in deleting the whole you know, can't thing because I remember when I was in school, like my teacher always said can't can't do anything. Because can't can't do anything.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 24:31

You haven't you haven't done it yet. Right. Exactly.

Danielle McCoy: 24:35

So you have to you know, get rid of can't should not be in your vocabulary. Change it around and make it something else. Else just ain't ain't

Bonnie Von Dohre: 24:46

gonna. That's not a word thing is not a word. I am pretty sure it's in Webster dictionary is a conjunction for Arnott

Danielle McCoy: 24:55

and so is H O T T hot but you know what doesn't mean it's a word. Moving on. Okay. So this goes back to what you were talking about, about the people in your life that are constantly pointing out the negative things that have happened to you. Because we all have those people in our lives. And so ditch the narcissist, I mean, the naysayers I think we all have definitely people, you know, in our inner circles that are negative, that not necessarily even just about us in general, like, they'll point out all the negative things about all of the things because it's just they're there.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 25:49

Well, yeah, I mean, it does, it becomes a habit. And also, like, there are studies that show it really does rewire your brain, when you're only focusing on the negative, so that you continue to only see the negative. And it doesn't it, I don't like the energy it creates. So I tend to avoid those people for that aspect anyway. But also, because like I, I do not have the time or energy to focus on their criticisms, because at the end of the day, the only criticisms that matter, are the ones coming from the people that actually like know what they're talking about, and people whose opinions I actually care about. And if it's someone who is going to find a way to criticize what I do, regardless of what I do, then I don't care what their opinion is.

Danielle McCoy: 26:47

Right, but your inner critic best? Well,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 26:50

obviously, but this is what I have to keep telling my inner critic. Right, right. Doesn't matter to us. Now. I will feel like crap afterwards, after they have criticized me. Right? I will sit there and dwell on it. But at the end of the day, I remind myself, their opinion doesn't matter.

Danielle McCoy: 27:06

Right? The only opinion that really matters is your own. But when you're talking about yourself, but you know, I

Bonnie Von Dohre: 27:12

have a mentor that I'm relying on to tell me that, hey, you did this right. Then their opinion kind of matters. But right, but

Danielle McCoy: 27:19

you know what I mean? Like, at the end of the day, really, whether or not you are happy with whatever the outcome is, is the only thing that

Bonnie Von Dohre: 27:27

really matters. Now, the only thing I will say on this point, speaking from experience, ditching the naysayers is going to cause drama. The naysayers want their opinions to be heard. They want you to know that they do not approve of what you are doing. And when you tell them that you do not care that they do not approve. They are going to take it badly.

Danielle McCoy: 27:50

Well, yes, but the whole point is okay, so maybe I shouldn't have said that. Maybe I should just say, you know, no,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 27:56

no, no. Okay, ditch them. Okay. I'm just saying.

Danielle McCoy: 28:03

Well, that's just the type of people that those people are,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 28:05

right, that says a whole lot more about them than it says about you. Right. But the

Danielle McCoy: 28:09

problem with all those naysayers is, like I said, your inner critic feeds off of all of those things. So, you know, we all make, everybody expects me too. When really that everybody is like, a handful of, you know, people out of 10 or not even a handful, you know, it's like one or two people out of 10 people. And you turn that into while everybody thinks that I'm supposed to. And then your inner critic feeds off of that. So

Bonnie Von Dohre: 28:36

yes, yeah. And like, if you have a negative person in your life, they are probably going to tell you everyone thinks this way. When in reality it is they think this way, right? They do not speak for everyone. They are not mind reader's, right. All the more reason to ignore what they say. Right?

Danielle McCoy: 28:54

Well, because you get into this whole blanket statements, and they're never true anyway, because everybody does not feel a certain way.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 29:00

Right? I mean, look at how many people have told us we're crazy for trying to produce our own food. And yet, all of a sudden, we're not that crazy.

Danielle McCoy: 29:08

I think we're so crazy. It's just not that part.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 29:13

Early, okay, all of a sudden, everybody else wants to be like us. How about that now they don't know what that entails. is gonna say wow, that's Peace be with you. Bless your heart. Okay. In a mood today.

Danielle McCoy: 29:33

Now that we have all of Bonnie's wonderful southern charm

Bonnie Von Dohre: 29:39

up and down here too long.

Danielle McCoy: 29:42

I want to know why I have those same sayings when I don't live in the south.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 29:50

Honestly, I picked most of this up from southern Ohio. It has nothing to do with Florida. I'm sure This episode was brought to you by kitchen botanicals, your sustainable gardening headquarters, stopped by kitchen botanicals.com and get a look at our 2022 seed varieties as well as supplies and pest control products to help you with your organic garden 2022 is a great time to take care of yourself with our pampered gardener subscription box. Every month you'll receive all natural self care products untreated heirloom seeds, high quality garden tools, organic garden amendments, cute and practical supplies and fun products that we know you'll love. This is your opportunity to take care of yourself in the garden, I started the pampered gardener subscription box, because I had gone through a time of not taking care of myself and dealing with the stress that it put onto my body I was ill I was tapped out and I felt like I couldn't possibly pour any more out of my empty cup. So I created the pamper gardeners subscription box for women like me who wanted to get back to what they enjoy, but also wanted to love themselves. So we've put together this collection of gardening and self care products that are geared towards women who love to garden, you'll get things such as gloves, lotion, bags, hats, sunscreen, mosquito repellent, things that you can actually use, but also things that you'll enjoy. And don't worry, there will still be plenty of gardening tools, seeds, we've created a subscription box like no other by gardeners for gardeners order your own box today. Not hanging on to the negative. And I think you know a lot of this, we will get into what I call like negative thought loops, where the the the criticism and the negative thoughts and the you know, just all of that, it just keeps repeating over and over in your head. And the problem is like it gets worse, the more it repeats and the longer writes, right. And what I've found is that I really need to, like write that all down. And kind of like how we talked about the changing the eye to statements. But write down those thoughts that you're having, and then identify, Okay, you know, what, what is true? What is untrue? And what can I think about this instead, that's actually going to be beneficial to me, because continuing in that loop and continuing to think those things isn't helping you in any way. Right? Like the shame and the anxiety and all like, yeah, it can serve a purpose. It's great when you need that like adrenaline rush or, you know, whatever, because it because it just increases the, you know, adrenaline and the cortisol and everything. But over time, it does do a whole lot more harm than good. Right. So it's much more beneficial to you to change it into a thought that is going to help you and is going to, like create that action for you.

Danielle McCoy: 33:02

Right. And like you said, like the ITU and writing it down, I think you know, like externalizing those things kind of helps, you know, it helps let it out and it makes it. So you're looking at it from a different perspective than just if you constantly internalize it.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 33:19

Okay, I'll be the first to admit, I'm not a brain expert. I should know these things little better. But you know, your frontal lobe is where all of your logic processing happens. Amygdala, amygdala, there we go. Okay, close, sort of it starts the day. Okay, yeah.

Danielle McCoy: 33:36

Well, you're just putting the stress on the wrong.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 33:38

That's what was, yeah, I put the stress all over the wrong places all the time. So anyway, that controls our fight or flight response. So that is where our brain will usually go to when we have anxiety and when, like, we get overwhelmed and these negative thought processes continue. So I really, I think there's something about putting it down on paper, and being able to physically look at it. I think that changes that, that thought process back to that frontal lobe and causes us to look at it a lot more rationally with the logical part of our brain. Because then we can we can really dissect it or maybe it's just me and my screwed up brain.

Danielle McCoy: 34:21

No, I think you're right. I think I think I learned this in psychology in college. Okay, look at that.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 34:27

I'm not saying I remember anything from college, but But yeah, it just it like it because then we can really we can look at it. It's tangible. We can break it down, we can evaluate it, and we can realize it's, it felt a lot bigger than it actually was. Right. And again, I think it's that fight or flight because you know, our brain wants to protect us. It goes back to you know, running away from tigers and lions and all of those happy things is when we feel threatened. It wants it wants us to run away.

Danielle McCoy: 35:01

Right? Well, that's, you know, that's they say, that's where your inner critic comes from this from evolution of, we don't have to run away anymore. But we would, you know, criticize any failure, of course, in our minds, because failure could be death. Right. And now, you know, just because you didn't grow your tomato plant, right doesn't mean that you know, you're gonna die. You might you might starve.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 35:30

But yeah, but no, like I think yeah, I think writing it down, it just helps us to see that it's not. It's not as big and scary as we, as our brains led us to believe. Like, it's not something we need to run away from, like we we can tackle this, we can deal with this. It's just our brain made it made it feel bigger than it was. All right. Acknowledge your strengths. All right, so we're acknowledging our strengths. Mine is it was suitability to laugh at any situation, even when it's inappropriate, especially when it's inappropriate. But no, yeah. So I think here and it kind of goes along with like, writing down the the negative thoughts is, like focusing on what you are good at. And using that in your positive statements. Like when you reframe it, be like, Okay, maybe this thing did go wrong. But I have the ability to do this. So I can use this thing that I'm good at. To overcome that one mistake that I made great practices, meditation, or meditation might have loosened it. Okay. This actually one I've been relying on heavily lately. And not just meditation, but I also do a lot of hypnotherapy. I want to try to actually get Grace Smith on here. That's who I use for my hypnotherapy there the recorded hypnotherapy because it, but in in general, anytime you have, like these breathing exercises, or just kind of anything that's going to help you focus on the now because all of our anxiety, and all of you know really, most of the stuff with the inner critic is going to be focused on the past. But if we have anxiety associated with that, especially if it's something that, you know, some big goal we're trying to accomplish, or something big, we're trying to do that, then we're so focused on like, the future, and how we're going to fail at it, or when or if, or, you know, our inner critic has convinced that we can't do that thing. And we're going to, like, it's all gonna blow up in our faces, and we're all going to fail miserably. And everyone's gonna know about it. Right? Right. So meditation, and mindfulness really gets us to just, like focus on right now. And one thing I also like, is, like letting those thoughts happen, but no longer attaching a positive or negative sentiment to it. Just the thought just exists, you feel neutral towards it, it doesn't have any value. Because again, I think that we tend to beat ourselves up when we're thinking something negative. And then we get more upset at ourselves for thinking the negative thing.

Danielle McCoy: 38:41

Right, right. I think breathwork really helps. There are lots of lots of apps that you can put on your phone, most of them are free, where you can, you know, there's one called breath work, but it's not spelt like I think it's missing all the vowels. Anyway, um, I think it helps you kind of just focus and, like, kind of get introspective so that you can kind of dissipate those negative thoughts and feelings. And I also think, you know, like, getting outdoors, and we'll kind of talk about this in a minute. I think I put it down. Well, I kind of did. So I'll just put up journaling because I think it kind of goes with meditation and journaling when we you're not gonna write this part down, but when you like go outside and you smell a flower or something, and then you realize, you know, that you have the ability to smell that flower. Or you feel the breeze on your skin or you know, you go get in the water and you feel the waves lapping up against your legs or whatever and just kind of being in that moment and being mindful. And just realizing how those really, really simple things in your life. I feel and then you know, being able to reflect and realize that you're able to do those things. And some people aren't. You know, yeah, whatever reason, the one, you can write it down,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 40:13

go, Yeah, the one meditation app I've been using is called balance. And it's, it incorporates a lot of that it's all it's, well, I can't say it's all the ones that I do are guided meditations. And they actually have like series that you can do. So you will start out with just a very basic meditation. But as you work through the series, they will practice different techniques for breath, work, practice different techniques for focus, or being aware of your surroundings. And so you know, when you're, when you're doing anything that is being focused on your surroundings, with your eyes closed, you're, like you're feeling the weight of your body against the chair that you're sitting at, you're feeling all those contact points, you're feeling any breeze that goes across your skin, you're feeling the breath coming in, and out of your mouth, through your nose and feeling it, you know, cool coming in and warm going out. And all of those, they're all little things that just increases your awareness. And really does just help to, like, stop the racing thoughts. And just refocus, I mean, they say that it really does help to rewire your brain to, you know, stop, like, the anxiety and the stress and being able to, because the more you practice, getting into the present moment, and being more mindful, then the easier it is for your your brain to go there every time. Right.

Danielle McCoy: 41:50

And then, you know, like, writing down helps, yeah, awareness. And writing down, you know, like, I'm talking more, I should have put, like a gratitude journal. So you know, like, at least once a day, sit down and write something that you know, you're grateful for. And it can be something small, like, being able to smell a flower, or it can be something really, really big. I mean, it's up to you. But I think, you know, finding those, those moments and every day that you're you're grateful for like something positive that happened and writing it down so that when you have those negative thoughts, you can go back and say, You know what, this might have happened, and it was crummy. But you know, all look at all these things that happened that were fantastic. And you know, made me feel good. And I had a good day because my tomato grew.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 42:39

Well, and even if I mean, it kind of ends up being the same sort of thing. But if you don't feel like you want to do like a gratitude journal, per se, even just writing down the positive things. And just focusing more on like, what is your what is your takeaway from today? What is one thing you remember one thing that you noticed? Because again, it's it's going to reframe your mind so that you're focusing on the good things that happen rather than the bad, right? Without feeling like, oh, I have to be thankful for everything, right? Because I know, sometimes we get in that brain space where it's just, it's hard to, like, it's hard to feel thankful. Or may or maybe even it feels like too egotistical to say, Oh, yes, I'm, like, you know, the whole, like, hashtag, I'm blessed. Like, yeah. So it kind of Yeah, I think that maybe it opens, opens the door for focusing on a wider variety of things. If we were just saying, you know, writing down the positive stuff from the day, right.

Danielle McCoy: 43:51

We talked about this a little bit last time not jumping into the comparison trap, because we're constantly you know, like, viewing things online, and these little snippets in time of other people's lives and thinking that, you know, their lives must be better somehow, or they're more capable somehow because we saw this itty bitty little snapshot in a moment in time. And so we

Bonnie Von Dohre: 44:13

are adulting better than I am.

Danielle McCoy: 44:15

Right? But we compare and then you know, that gets our inner critic going like oh, well, she did this and you can't do this because you know, you're not you're not as capable or you know, whatever, as she is because she took a picture of her pretty tomato and you don't have any tomatoes yet.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 44:37

You're really on this tomato thing or you

Danielle McCoy: 44:39

know, I'm trying to go with the theme of the tomatoes because I can't talk about horses with you.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 44:53

But yeah, it's, I mean, there's so many different things and I Even like I sit with my husband does it a lot to hate to break, bring him into this. But, you know, seeing like other people have all of this and why don't we have all of this? And why can't I provide better? And I swear, there we go. So it's not it's not something that just affects women. But yeah, no, definitely not. Like I think I think men really struggle just for the fact that there's this assumption that they should be able to, like, provide everything for their family and be able to make all this money and be able to have the perfect house and the perfect car and like all the things, and the poor men married us. And we're like, but we don't need all the things. We just want more chickens. We didn't Hey, I do need. Actually, I need to. I have to make the decision tomorrow. Do I go to the feed store the hay store? And the only place I can find decent hay is an hour away? Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. So anyway. But yeah, I know, this one gets me to is because, you know, I feel like, I should be more of an adult by now. Like, I should have my crap together. And yet, here we are.

Danielle McCoy: 46:30

Well, you know, I think that's the whole. Like, I'm not trying to you know, keep up with the Joneses. So I think it kind of helps, in some ways, but at the same time, it kind of doesn't, because we still, you know, fall into that trap of, you know, it looks like she's got all her ish together. And I don't so right. Yeah.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 46:55

And, you know, you don't even have to get on social media to do No,

Danielle McCoy: 46:58

no, I'm talking about social media. To see a mom in the grocery store.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 47:05

Why don't any of her kids have food on their face? What am I doing wrong?

Danielle McCoy: 47:10

How come her kids brush their hair?

Bonnie Von Dohre: 47:14

Come on, now. You're talking like miracle workers now? I know. Yeah, I mean, I will even I'll even run into the trap of comparing my life now to where I think my mom's life was at my age. But then I forget what my life was like growing up, and realizing she probably didn't have her ish together, either. She just figured out better than I did. And she had family members nearby to kind of help. But yeah, it's everybody's story is different. Right? Like, and so you can't know all the stuff that happens behind the scenes. And it just, you know, I mean, really, at the end of the day, we're all struggling to keep our heads above water. So

Danielle McCoy: 48:05

which brings us into

Bonnie Von Dohre: 48:09

the imperfections of life. Yeah. Oh, except the imperfections. Yeah.

Danielle McCoy: 48:13

So because, you know, I think, like, we all kind of we all have our inner critic as a perfectionist. Yes. And so you know, we all think that things have to be at least to some extent, whatever our version of perfect is. And nothing in life is perfect. We're we're all imperfectly made, we are all you know, nothing. Absolutely nothing is absolutely perfect. You know, regardless of what your version of perfect is, and my version of perfect is going to be different than your version of perfect anyway, so, you know,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 48:51

and it kind of comes back to like, what is that person's priority? Right? If their priority is keeping the animal pins immaculate and keeping the garden tended guess what the inside of their house is not going to be immaculate?

Danielle McCoy: 49:09

Yes, and that's a seasoned thing to at least hear because you know, like my house is definitely not immaculate right now but in the wintertime it's a lot more tolerable simply because I don't have you know, garden and all that stuff to deal with right?

Bonnie Von Dohre: 49:24

But here summer when it's our rainy season, there is going to be mud everywhere and there's really nothing we can do about it.

Danielle McCoy: 49:31

Yeah, we had like a week of rain here and so there was mud everywhere and I'm we haven't had rain. It's been really hot and everything's dried up outside, but there's still remnants of mud like everywhere. Yes, life is imperfect. We are all imperfect. There is actually I don't think perfect exists. I think in like I said, you know, like my version of perfect is going to be different than your version of perfect and neither one of them are ever going to happen and I Every one of them are right or wrong. It's just, you know, we have to let go of that perfectionism and realize that, you know, it can be imperfectly perfect.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 50:09

Yeah. And if you've got people in your life that are going to come over and nitpick everything that is imperfect in your life, then see our above point. This ditching them to change their access to your life. Yes.

Danielle McCoy: 50:25

And then we can go into Never say never. That's my favorite saying,

Bonnie Von Dohre: 50:29

for all the perfect parents out there. Yes, but don't have kids.

Danielle McCoy: 50:33

Yes. So we have the, you know, like the whole I guess it goes with the whole I can't thing. Like I'm never going to know ever say you're never going to because number one, it's going to happen if you say that. So, especially with something you really don't want to happen. Definitely don't say never. But I said I would never have goats again. And I have four goats in my arm.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 51:01

Well, um, I will say God has a twisted sense of humor. Oh, yeah. So the second you say you will never do something that is pretty much the the moment you have guaranteed it is going to happen in your life.

Danielle McCoy: 51:12

Right? But beyond that, my point of Never Say Never was actually you know, don't say don't think that something is impossible.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 51:23

So more like I will never make X amount of dollars.

Danielle McCoy: 51:27

I will never I will never make X amount of dollars.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 51:33

And in the next episode, we'll be coaching Danielle on her negative mindset. Um, but no, I mean, it's, you can achieve anything you want to achieve,

Danielle McCoy: 51:42

right? Just like a rich striker.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 51:48

I mean, he probably just wanted to like get back to the barn. So we can eat some oats. But

Danielle McCoy: 51:51

anyway, yeah. But that's beside the point.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 51:55

Those other horses are diseases way. But yeah, it's a lot of times. The only thing standing between us and what we want to achieve is ourselves. But what ends up happening is the inner critic takes over and convinces us that we're not capable of doing it. And it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy because the negative thoughts cause us to not show up and not take the action and not do the thing. Right. And then because we didn't take the action, do the thing, because we assumed we weren't capable or what smart enough or whatever. Right, then we never accomplish it because we stopped showing up.

Danielle McCoy: 52:35

And it's just a vicious cycle that will continue on and on and on. Because we think that we're incapable because our inner critic told us so.

Unknown: 52:42

Right? Yep.

Danielle McCoy: 52:45

So, so don't think that things are impossible, which goes into letting go of those limiting beliefs and not thinking that things aren't possible, because

Bonnie Von Dohre: 52:56

thinking they should never make excellent, no, I was just kidding. I have zero room to talk in this regard. Because this is like exactly what I got coached on yesterday.

Danielle McCoy: 53:09

So I think, you know, when we're talking about making x amount of dollars, and saying that we're never going to make X amount of dollars, or whatever it may be, we're never going to do is just, you know, we're never

Bonnie Von Dohre: 53:20

grow enough vegetables to feed our family for

Danielle McCoy: 53:22

a year. It is a self fulfilling prophecy. Because if you I think we have to have that positive mindset and believe that something is possible. Because if you don't, and you continually have that negative mindset, then you're like you said, it's a self fulfilling prophecy. And so you have to try to, you know, let go of those limiting beliefs and realize that there is an abundance of whatever it may be, whether it be you know, like money or knowledge or in we're all, we're all. How do I want to say it capable of achieving that abundance? Right, not really the wording I want to use?

Bonnie Von Dohre: 53:59

Yeah, it's, I mean, it really comes down to like, there's just one book that I was reading that it talks about growth set, versus a fixed mindset. And the whole thing with a growth mindset is we we grow up believing that people accomplish things because they have talent, because they have resources, because, you know, because it was meant to be within reality. You know, they they accomplish those things, because they studied really hard. They put in the time, they were practicing eight hours a day, every single day, you know, that, like, there's all this stuff that we assume is talent, when in reality, it's just it's just really hard work. Right? So, you know, to go ahead and like cancel ourselves out from the get go because we don't have what they have is just, it's just lying to ourselves, really. I mean, because if you The only reason they haven't we don't is because that was a priority for them to accomplish that. So they probably

Danielle McCoy: 55:07

had a more positive outlook. Well, that too.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 55:11

So yeah, I mean, you have to one, you have to tell yourself, you know what I, this is what I want, and I'm going to accomplish it. You have to make it a priority. But then instead of sitting there and thinking of all the ways that this can't happen for you, you sit there and say, Okay, what needs to happen to make this a reality? Like, if I want to grow enough vegetables to feed my family for a year? What do I need to grow? How much space do I need? Like, what what are all the things anyway? You don't even if you're not there yet, because I am not saying go out and try to grow a year's worth of vegetables and you've never had a garden before.

Danielle McCoy: 55:48

Please don't. He will, like, overnight.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 55:53

Like, you know, what, what frameworks can you put into place? What things can you learn what less like, if you just, you create a system and you just work the system?

Danielle McCoy: 56:05

Right? And I think next time, we're going to talk about, you know, letting go of those limiting beliefs and just doing whatever it is. You should be doing instead of coming up with excuses to not do it.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 56:17

You can do that. Regardless of what you do take imperfect action. This book I've been listening to. It's she was the name of it. How to keep household drowning? Yeah, you were talking about that last time? Yeah. One of the things that she says is anything worth doing is worth doing half assed. So that's kind of my new motto.

Danielle McCoy: 56:39

Oh, I read a thing yesterday that said, people like a fool last, so don't do anything half assed.

Bonnie Von Dohre: 56:51

Don't know, on the contrary, I've seen people show their full ass and I wish they would keep it to themselves. There is that? Well, hoping that we imparted some words of wisdom to you today. Please help us help more mobs by leaving a review and sharing this podcast with your friends. And I think that'll do it. So we'll catch you next time. Thank you for listening to this episode of the ground and simplicity podcast. If we were able to help you in any way, please share this episode with a friend. And also leave us a review on Apple podcasts. You can also join us over on Patreon at grounded simplicity, and help to support this podcast as well as become a patron and get a behind the scenes look at the creation of our podcast and even have some input on future episodes.