Today's guest is CDFA Jen Lawrence who is here to talk about a pressing subject for many of my divorce coaching clients-- Financial Abuse.
This is a pressing subject many of my divorce coaching. Most people don't call it that though. They don't know to. Instead, they say:
· "I have no idea how much money he makes"
· "He doesn't let me touch the accounts"
· "I get an allowance each week and that is all I can spend"
· "He won't let me work"
· “He sabotages every effort I've ever made to begin a career"
· "It's HIS money"
· and more...
If you've heard statements like that for years, you may be experiencing financial abuse, especially if when this comes to your attention and you try to discuss it with them and let them know you would like to take a more active role, and they are opposed to it or absolutely refuse to assist in that.
CDFA and Guest Speaker on the Starting Over Stronger Divorce Survival and Recovery Podcast, Jen Lawrence, explored this topic with me.
BECOME A FAN! SOS FAN CLUB PERKS HERE: www.patreon.com/sosdivorce
If you have any questions at all during your divorce, please email Annie@StartingOverStronger.com or visit www.StartingOverStronger.com to learn more about divorce coaching and book a complimentary discovery call while you're there. "Can I keep the house?"
Find out more about what an RCS-D REALTOR does to protect you as you make this decision. www.AtHomewithAnnie.com. If you have ideas for topics in future episodes or to ask a question for a future ASK ME ANYTHING episode, please email Annie@StartingOverStronger.com. Gratefully, Annie
You matter! Please find and follow us on Facebook, Instagram and on your favorite podcast player. Your 5-star ratings and positive reviews make all the difference as the growing podcast community seeks content that will inspire, entertain and educate them in their efforts toward real life transformation. Would you take just a moment to rate and review Starting Over Stronger? Here and on any platforms where you find us. THANKS!
2018-2021 © SOS Divorce Survival & Recovery. Divorce Well. Live Well.
If you have any questions at all during your divorce, please email Annie@StartingOverStronger.com or visit www.StartingOverStronger.com to learn more about divorce coaching and book a complimentary discovery call while you're there.
"Can I keep the house?" Find out more about what an RCS-D REALTOR does to protect you as you make this decision. www.AtHomewithAnnie.com.
If you have ideas for topics in future episodes or to ask a question for a future ASK ME ANYTHING episode, please email Annie@StartingOverStronger.com.
Gratefully,
Annie
You matter! Please find and follow us on Facebook, Instagram and on your favorite podcast player. Your 5-star ratings and positive reviews make all the difference as the growing podcast community seeks content that will inspire, entertain and educate them in their efforts toward real life transformation. Would you take just a moment to rate and review Starting Over Stronger? Here and on any platforms where you find us. THANKS!
© SOS Divorce Survival & Recovery. Divorce Well. Live Well.
Support the show
Financial ABU$E: Understand & Escape
Jen Lawrence, CDFA
There is a pressing subject many of my divorce coaching clients face called Financial Abuse. Most people don't call it that though. They don't know to. Instead, they say:
· "I have no idea how much money he makes"
· "He doesn't let me touch the accounts"
· "I get an allowance each week and that is all I can spend"
· "He won't let me work"
· “He sabotages every effort I've ever made to begin a career"
· "It's HIS money"
· and more...
If you've heard statements like that for years, you may be experiencing financial abuse, especially if when this comes to your attention and you try to discuss it with them and let them know you would like to take a more active role, and they are opposed to it or absolutely refuse to assist in that.
CDFA and Guest Speaker on the Starting Over Stronger Divorce Survival and Recovery Podcast, Jen Lawrence, explored this topic with me.
What is Financial Abu$e?
• How common is it?
• Does it usually accompany other types of abuse or can it be something on its own?
• What resources exist for people in this situation?
• How do CDFA’s and CDC Certified Divorce Coaches help people in financial abuse?
• Why do so many women struggle with these problems?
• How can people avoid falling into these traps?
• Why are so many women intimidated by money?
• What should we be teaching young women about money?
What does the process of healing look like?
The first step in any healing process, believe it or not, is DESPAIR. We have to arrive at the place where we feel the full effect of what is WRONG.
I once heard this brilliant observation that in any change process, there are four stages: Unconscious Acceptance, Conscious Acceptance, Conscious Resistance, Unconscious Resistance. Let me explain.
Think of anything you have ever overcome as I explain…
At first, you unconsciously accept the wrongdoing, completely unaware that it is even a problem. Playing your part in it. Like when someone is actively partaking in an addiction.
Secondly, you become conscious of the problem while still accepting it, you go on playing your part as you begin to see it for what it is. This coming to consciousness can be a process, or it can be a lightbulb moment and then a decision to keep playing the part for whatever reason. Think of when you get on a scale or try to put on an old pair of pants and become aware your weight has become a problem, but you don’t yet do anything about it.
Third, is Conscious Resistance. You are aware of the problem and you are now actively taking steps to stop participating in it. You are conscious of it, and you are resisting it. This would be like when someone finally realizes their relationship with a friend or family member is hurtful and they are tired of being hurt so they finally set and hold important boundaries to protect themselves.
Lastly, the stage we all want to be at when we are facing change: Unconscious Resistance. Now, you are no longer playing any part in the problem, and your actions, words and behaviors have aligned to the new way of living so much so that you don’t have to actively think about it when you do those things. They come naturally now, as who you are and what you do.
How can one escape Financial Abu$e?
Ok, now apply all 4 of those stages to the act of escaping Financial Abuse.
You are in the midst of it. You don’t work. Every effort to get or keep any job that might lead to career potential for you is sabotaged and you just believe all the made up reasons as to why it is just better for you to stay home full time. You aren’t allowed access to the bank accounts and only given a set amount of money, and you accept that and live that way. That is Unconscious Acceptance. Going along because you have no idea there is a problem.
You meet someone or see a therapist who begins to get curious about your career and financial situation and the more you think and talk about it, the more you read about it, the more you realize it really isn’t right or normal or okay. But you aren’t yet ready to do anything about it. You are just wrapping your head around it and maybe then beginning to get your ducks in a row. This is Conscious Acceptance. Going along to get along.
You have spent months or years working through it all, getting up to speed on everything you need to know and do. You have a plan, and you are prepared to act on the plan. The plan might at first just be boundaries within the marriage. It may later, if nothing changes, become a boundary that ends the marriage. You are Consciously Resisting the status quo by getting a job, getting a degree, utilizing whatever means available to gain access to how much money is being made, how much is in each account, getting your own bank login so you can keep track of things, while still maybe going along to get along to some degree.
Whether the boundaries within the marriage affected enough change for you to stay in the relationship in a healthy way, or you had to file for divorce to get free of it, you have now been doing these new things long enough that they have become Unconscious Resistance. You don’t necessarily feel yourself resisting anything. This is just what you do now. Who you are.
If you’re reading about this for the first time, I want to just say first of all that I am deeply sorry you are experiencing this. It is such a disruption to our well-being, to our peace, and to our place of wellness and safety. This isn’t about money. Money is just the visible tool of freedom. Without money, without access to it and access to the ability to work and be a part of contributing to the financial wellbeing of one’s self and one’s family, there is a part of us that is not allowed to be free, to explore who we are and what our purpose is here on this earth. If no one else has ever said to you that they are sorry this is where you have found yourself, I want you to know I am.
I also want you to know there is hope for a totally different life than you have ever known and maybe than you can even imagine. If you would like to get the help you need to break free from financial (or any other form of) abuse, please reach out.
I am thankful for Jen Lawrence and all she had to share about shifting from Financial Abuse to Financial Freedom!
Three simple ways you can start down the path to Financial Freedom
· Listen to this episode of the Starting Over Stronger Divorce Survival & Recovery Podcast
· E-Mail me at Annie@Startingoverstronger.com from your secure e-mail that only you have access to with any questions
· Visit www.StartingOverStronger.com to book a discovery call, register for a support group, start divorce coaching, consult with a divorce real estate consultant and more to learn how to break free!
Here when you need me,
Annie