Parental Alienation, Part 2: What We Can Do
What Can WE Do about Parental Alienation?
First and foremost, be aware. Know what it is, know what to look for and challenge your assumptions and the assumptions and insinuations of others. What goes on behind the four walls of a home is often different from what every well-meaning person outside that home might naturally assume.
If someone tells you they are being abused or alienated from their children in some way, believe them! Then educate yourself on how alienation and covert abuse present. Here are some of the basics. Tune in to the show by clicking LISTEN NOW above to hear Part 2 of the show for more information and insight from a parental alienation victim.
What the OP (Other Party or Offending Party) is Likely Doing
· Sending negative messages overtly to child talking bad about the AP (Alienated Parent)
· Showing the child messages sent from the AP to paint them in a negative light to their kids
· Sending negative messages covertly through body language to communicate how much they dislike the AP. (Children are smart. They see and know what rolling eyes, dismissive gestures, and body language mean.)
· Making false allegations and flat out lying to the child telling them the AP no longer loves them
· Expressing anger or withdrawing love to pull the child away from the AP
· Interfering between the child and AP’s communication, deleting messages so they think the AP didn’t reach out
What the Child(ren) is/are Likely Doing
· May simply refuse to talk to or visit AP, assuming everything said by the OP is true.
· May give a not-so-convincing reason for not meeting AP (frivolous rationalization)
· May talk wrongly about AP in front of others, say, teachers or friends.
· The child may perceive everything as ‘good’ or ‘right’ coming from the OP, and ‘bad’ and ‘wrong’ about everything related to AP
· May not accept anything positive coming from AP. And they may always be taking the side of the OP
· May be unable to gauge right and wrong but believes whatever the OP says
What the AP Needs to Be Doing (AKA how to PROVE Alienation in Court)
As a parent who is alienated from their child or children, the pain is real and intense.
As the victim of this kind of abuse, ALL your power lies in WHAT YOU DO. There is NOTHING you can do to change the abuser, but there is an INCREDIBLE amount that you can do to change YOUR response and YOUR actions in a way that will change the outcome for the better.
· COLLECT PROOF. Be wise about it… record everything. Know your state or geographical area laws about recording legalities but here in Kansas and Missouri, we have one-party consent which means that you, as one of the parties to a conversation, can record without the knowledge of the other. DO IT! EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION! You never know when you will capture something that will help the judge see the REALITY of your situation, or the collective pattern.
· CHARACTER WITNESSES. Pastors, therapists, friends, family, coworkers, anyone who has witnessed the alienation or abuse
· DOCUMENTATION. Screen recordings not just screenshots of Texts, PDFs of emails
· MONITORED APPS. Our Family Wizard, Close and Other Court monitored communication apps -- automatically tracked by court when you let the court know about your account so they can access it
· BE THE SOLUTION, NOT PART OF THE PROBLEM IN YOUR LANGUAGE. Let your language, verbally and in writing especially, illustrate you trying to solve problems not tit for tat, not letting him/her get to you, not showing hostility (though we KNOW you feel it and have every right to—you need a COACH to not only be that safe outlet for anger and fear and overreactions, but then to guide you to releasing that and getting centered on presenting well legally to meet your goals, needs and wants,)
· JOURNAL! Figure out patterns by journaling (another form of proof). Do you know how you patterns most easily become seen? By writing everything down. Journal every day. It’s impossible to remember all the details in divorce, even moreso in abuse. Parental alienation IS ABUSE of the kids and AP. Journaling can change the course because you (and others) will see patterns emerge that scattered minds can easily miss. You may begin to understand your child is being alienated from you when they start reacting unusually over and over as evidenced by your journaling. Make a note when children say, ‘you are bad,’ or refuse to meet you, along with the date and context. Recording these patterns will be easy for you to analyze your child’s changing behavior, and you may be able to help them.
· TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. It may be challenging to find an opportunity to even talk to your child. But when you do, help them understand how much you love them and what you desire. Remind them of the good times. Explain to them that those days can come back, and they will be taken care of and loved without conditions.
· TREAD CAREFULLY. MAKE NO MISTAKES. The OP may have put a lot of blame on you. Instead of reacting to it, stay strong and prove the accusations wrong. Let the real you, the positive you, rise to the surface always. Don’t sink to their level. Even if angry, calm down before responding. A single wrong act may tilt the scales further away. They’re counting on being able to get you to sabotage yourself in this way.
Tune In Now
Go listen to Part 2 of Parental Alienation by click Listen Now above or on your favorite podcast app.
Thank you again for tuning in every Wednesday for more Starting Over Stronger. It is my pleasure to bring you these incredible stories and interviews with professionals to empower and encourage you on your divorce journey.
I’m here when you need me,
Annie
Certified Divorce & Life Transition Coach®
Host of the Starting Over Stronger Divorce Survival & Recovery Podcast
Serving the women of divorce with:
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