Does Gratitude really make a difference? Today I am sharing some thoughts about the difference that gratitude makes in our lives -- yes, even during divorce. Just in time for Thanksgiving!
Does Gratitude really make a difference? Today I am sharing some thoughts about the difference that gratitude makes in our lives -- yes, even during divorce. Just in time for Thanksgiving!
If you are in the process of a divorce, it may be hard to believe, but there is a solution to all the emotional pain that can overwhelm you. Nothing you do will make divorce easy, but there is so much we can do to lessen our anxiety and stress. Lowering your negative emotion load is critical in facilitating your highest and best decision-making capacity. So, what is this mysterious way to deal with the seemingly never-ending emotional assaults? Can you really affect change for yourself? The answer may surprise you. (and maybe even piss you off a little.) The answer is choosing gratitude. Stay tuned and I will explain how gratitude makes divorce easier.
I know, I know…. What on earth do you have to be THANKFUL for right now? You were betrayed. Maybe cheated on. Maybe just emotionally abandoned. Maybe you decided to file but not because you ever wanted a divorce. You simply couldn’t accept any longer the treatment you were receiving from the one who was supposed to love and cherish you and did everything but that. You are maybe fighting for your financial survival, for custody of your kids to keep them safe and healthy emotionally if not also physically. WHAT IN ALL OF THIS is there to be thankful for???
Before I say another word, I want you to know that I understand firsthand the sense of unfairness you undoubtedly feel about everything—and then someone coming along and suggesting you be grateful in spite of it all—it’s a lot to ask.
But I am asking you.
I am asking you to stop. Take a long, slow, deep breath. Close your eyes (if you’re not driving) maybe take one more deep breath.
I am asking you to take all of that and place it carefully in a little basket, close the lid on that little basket and set it aside for just a few minutes.
Let’s take a step back, and today, let’s choose to challenge our brains in the most positive of ways.
Brain, I know this anxiety and stress is simply one of the ways you try to protect me. This fight, slight or freeze that I often feel nowadays is a protective measure long ago instilled in you, brain, to help me avoid real and perceived dangers. I understand that back in the days when people had to forage for food and defend themselves against wild beasts of all sorts, this was a crazy important process. Brain, I don’t have to do any of those things now. Most days of my life, I don’t have to think much at all about survival, so I want you to know, Brain, that as much as I appreciate you trying to take such good care of me, I am releasing you from how that responsibility has gone into overdrive during the death of my marriage. I am releasing you, Brain, from thinking you must be on high alert at all times. I know you will still always protect me when I am truly in danger, but for now, while much of the danger I am perceiving is exaggerated, I am going to try a new way of feeding you, Brain. I am going to actively practice gratitude. This way, I can see what all is really possible when my brain runs on the high octane fuel of thankfulness instead of fear and scarcity.
I get it. Practicing gratitude during divorce can sound a lot like riding a bicycle uphill, backwards. However, studies show (and I am here to personally validate) that there is a link between keeping a gratitude journal and an increase in JOY, enthusiasm, and just the general feeling that life is okay and maybe even that life is getting better—even through divorce. Research shows that if you keep a gratitude journal, you are more apt to reach out and care for others, to offer support to others than those who do not practice the disciple of gratitude. It is probably not news to your that giving and receiving support can help to make life easier---and that is equally true during divorce as it is for any troubling or trying circumstances.
In a study done at the University of California/Davis, subjects either kept a gratitude journal, wrote about problems or wrote about neutral subjects on a weekly basis. At the end of the study, those in the gratitude group achieved their goals quicker and scored higher in feeling more positive about their lives! That’s a big deal!
Psychologists Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough are on the frontlines of research in the field of gratitude and they have found that those who practice written gratitude report an increase in 1) their amount of exercise (the more you move, the better you feel!) and 2) their optimism about what is happening that week.
Medical researchers have even used EKG technology to measure the effects of gratitude on the heart. These studies show that practicing gratitude has a positive effect on the parasympathetic nervous system, which regulates heart rate, rhythm, blood pressure, and other body functions. Thoughts influence body functions. Happy thoughts (like gratitude) increase endorphins (the “feel-good” neurotransmitters), and angry ones cause constriction of blood vessels, which can lead to cardiac disease.
If you want to FEEL better, you have to THINK better. And thinking better starts with being grateful for all the good in your life.
Back in 2008, I wrote an article I titled, “The Right Side of the Train” and it was published in the Family Journal magazine in Jackson County, Missouri. I thought of that article again as I planned what to share with you this Thanksgiving week about gratitude. It’s not a long article, so I am going to start by reading this to you, and then I want to share some tips and thoughts on how you can bring more gratitude into the Starting Over Stronger season of your life.
Life is like a train ride. We all must take the train. We don't have a lot of control over the direction it goes. Thankfully, that's up to our Engineer. There's no telling what kind of messes we would get ourselves into if we drove the train. Sadly, many are trying with great frustration to do just that. On this train ride, there is work to do. However, there are also many opportunities for each of us to just sit back and enjoy the view. There are windows on both sides of the train, and you are free to move about the cabin, but beware. The side you choose to lookout of will affect how much you enjoy the ride. And this ride, is your life.
Out the windows on the left side, you will see all the trials and sorrows you must endure in your life. Some are small. Some are overwhelmingly large. Jesus assured us that in this world we would have trouble. (John 16:33) that same verse and others also promise us that those troubles will eventually pass us by. Perhaps, using this train analogy, it is actually us that is passing by them. We need not focus on these trials because whether we pay them any attention or not, they will happen, and we will pass by them eventually. The train may seem to slow down sometimes. It may even feel like it's coming to a complete stop at times, but those trials are going to eventually be behind us. Gone, if not forgotten. We must be careful not to spend too long looking at the left, for every moment spent there is a moment lost. A moment we will never get back.
Meanwhile, out the windows on the right side of the train, we can see all of life's blessings and joys. There are so many that we could spend all day looking and still not take it all in. We could try to count them as the old hymns remind us, but they are innumerable. Every moment spent looking out the right is a moment gained. A moment truly lived. We will all occasionally get distracted and glance out the left side for a time, but as the train of our lives proceeds down the tracks, we all have a choice to make. Day by day, hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute. Which side of the train are we going to spend our days gazing?
Can you see it now? The train is rumbling along down the tracks and there is much activity on board. People staying busy doing all sorts of things, some we may define as good, others we may know are evil or at least detrimental. Can you see the lady who has sat down to take a break? She remembered Jesus’ command in Mark 6:31 to get away and rest awhile. She gazes contentedly on the right side, iced tea in one hand, smile on her face. Her eyes full of joy, even misty with delight at times. Then suddenly, she's disturbed by a noise in her left ear. Among, followed by a loud complaint. Instantly, she must choose. She closes her eyes as she tries to avoid the temptation to look to the left. She voices a prayer asking God to help the person who is struggling on her left, and a second prayer to help her stay focused on her blessings. The complainer is still there, still focused on the trials of his day, still trying to get her wrapped up in worry and fear with him. Misery has always and will always love company, after all. But she no longer hears the grumbling. All she hears now as the laughter coming in from the window to her right the laughter of her children.
This poignant analogy is the principle and why I keep a gratitude journal. My gratitude journal is a small simple blank journal which lives on my nightstand. Each night as I climb into bed, I write at least three blessings from that day. Some days are so easy that I might even write more than three. Other days, I come to my journal and discover that I have spent too much time that day looking at the wrong side of the train, leaving me struggling to think of even one thing to write. I've completely missed all the blessings that went by me on the right side. I have learned that even when I'm not choosing to focus on them, there are always blessings going by me. It is never or certainly rarely worth taking my gaze off my blessings for too long, because then I must borrow from yesterday's instead of being able to enjoy all the new joys God has given and intended for me for that day.
My thankful journal has taught me that neglecting to be intentionally thankful makes life seem more negative, but a heart full of thanksgiving has little room for worry, fear and cynicism. Only then can we fully experience every good and perfect gift we are given from above. (James 1:17) You can start your own thankful journal today. Then, remember this little analogy about the train ride of your life, so you can choose to spend your days with a rightful view of all that you are blessed with each day.
So, as you are hopefully experiencing as you listen to that folksy train analogy is this—your energy and zest for life goes where your thoughts are. If your focus is on misery, then misery is what you will experience. A divorce coaching client of mine recently was sharing about how miserable she felt with having to work extended hours with her full-time job, along with a part-time job when time permitted in between taking care of three growing kids and teens, mostly on her own, when she suddenly had a revelation. She got up from her left side seat on the train and moved over to see what was on the right. She had a job when many were unemployed. She was able to pay for household expenses and her kids’ activities without incurring debt. Her kids were able to spend the majority of their time outside of their school and work hours with their mom, a much healthier role model for them than their father. After turning this negativity around into gratitude, there was a shift in other areas of her life. She found that the more she wrote those 3 little entries into her thankful journal, the better she was feeling and performing in her demanding schedule. When she changed her attitude, she started to enjoy the actual work and the camaraderie of co-workers and the peace and joy in her home that used to be filled with tension and pain for everyone in the family prior to the separation and divorce. Practicing gratitude in one area – such as being glad to have a good job – spilled over into other parts of her life.
I want you to think of “practicing gratitude” as just that—practice. You aren’t going to be amazing at it, at first. You will get better at it as time goes on. Like working out, our muscles gets larger and stronger the more we train. Start by listing 3-5 items for which you are grateful every day in a journal. (Don’t be generic. You can be thankful for each kid by name, but if you have three kids, that’s not your three things for the day!) For me, one of these entries can be as simple as a latte sipped from a real mug, with my hands wrapped around it and nothing else to do for even 5 minutes. Another entry for me might be something big like seeing an old journal entry and realizing how far I have come from the woman I was the day I wrote that, three or five years ago. Flipping back through to see what I was thankful for over the last weeks, months or even years motivates me to do more of the things that have brought me joy and fulfillment in the past. I might be more intentional about getting at least one coffee date with a friend on each weekly calendar or have more frequent outings with my kids independently, or with an elderly friend who needs more on her social calendar. The more I routinely write in my gratitude journal at bedtime, the better I sleep and the more I find myself looking for things to be grateful for as I go throughout my days, which in turn increases my joy in life—even as I face the sometimes cruel realities of my divorce.
Life can be drudgery or interesting depending upon your focus. When you look for the positives, you do find them. Challenge yourself to find several every day. This will not only benefit you, but it will impact your children! If one item you’re thankful for is having fun with your kids, just think how making enjoyable events (such as pizza night with a movie on TV) a priority will reduce your stress—and theirs! If a parent is more relaxed and appreciative during this turbulent time, this can favorably affect the kids – and even the pets.
When we go through something difficult, of course it’s easier to focus on what’s wrong with life than what’s right. But when we are intentional to concentrate on the good instead of the bad, we feel a whole lot better! Studies consistently show that positive people live longer, more fulfilling lives. And this IS a choice. Even if some doctor somewhere along the way has told you that you have *fill in the blank* diagnosis (anxiety, depression, insomnia, fibromyalgia, I could go on all day) that does not mean gratitude won’t work for you. IN FACT, I will not digress to my thoughts on diagnoses of the American medical system, but I will simply say this: Many of these “diagnoses” are simply labels for sets of symptoms. There is still a causation. There are still natural remedies to reduce or eliminate those symptoms—and besides eating whole foods in the right frequency and amount for your body, being out in nature, moving your body in a variety of ways, and improving the way your brain functions around your life are the main ways you can reduce or eliminate negative emotional and physical symptoms in your life! Without drugs. Without surgeries. Without feeling saddled with a lifelong “condition” that you just have to suffer along with.
Training yourself to look for the good in life helps to change the focus from “poor me” to seeing yourself becoming a happier, a more empowered person. This is a great strategy for divorce and beyond. If you haven’t heard me say it before, I will say it again, living your life from a victim mentality will kill your soul.
My challenge to you today. Right this moment. Is to find a blank notebook lying around the house or go buy one. Start your gratitude journal TODAY. You can’t wait. You need this energy and vitality. And only YOU can give it to yourself. This is how:
Write 3-5 things you are grateful for every day – even if it is as simple as being grateful for a roof over your head, food to eat, or clean air to breathe. One rule. Once you have written something down, you can’t use it again. You have to come up with 3-5 NEW things each day. Ideally, you would write in your journal first thing in the morning or just before going to sleep. Don’t tell yourself you don’t have time to write it down. You do. It will take less than 5 minutes. That 5 minutes will do SO much more for you than 5 more minutes of sleep. Plus, it is a GREAT way to start the day on a positive note! You can also speak notes into your phone, or make a habit of saying five things you’re grateful for as you are brushing your teeth, or taking your shower. Whatever you do, commit to it and do it every day. The more you can fill your head with gratitude, replacing the negative thoughts, the more of a shift you will start to see in your world.
You will not only Be the source of gratitude for yourself and your kids, but it will have a ripple effect into all of those around you.
There’s nothing that makes you feel better faster than getting out of your own head and your own mess and taking the time to shift your eyes from the things that you are wallowing in that are bringing you down, and focusing instead on what you have and what you love.
This is ESPECIALLY true in divorce. It is so common during this time to focus on what you don’t have, didn’t get, haven’t gotten, what your soon-to-be-ex has in comparison to you, or what you think should be fair or not fair. There are important strategies for executing well to prevent outcomes that can devastate, but instead choose to show attention to what you have received, gained and been blessed with, you will open the universe. Abundance like you have never known can be yours but you must first choose the discipline of gratitude. What we focus on grows bigger…. So why focus on problems and pain? Attract more of what you want in your life, speak it into existence… and suddenly less of what you don’t want will be in your life.
Gratitude can be like the light on the lighthouse, as you break free and make your way toward the new land that you are creating for yourself in your new life.
Remember you’re just one step away from your new life…
I will leave you with this final thought from my favorite and yours—Brene Brown.
After collecting countless stories about joy and gratitude, Brené writes in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection” that without exception, every person who described living a joyful life actively practiced gratitude. These people kept gratitude journals, wrote thank you letters, offered gratitude prayers, created gratitude art or took gratitude walks. They actively participated in a gratitude practice every day. Brown suggests that we are a nation hungry for more joy, because we are starving from a lack of gratitude. She goes on to say, “If we are not practicing gratitude and allowing ourselves to know joy, we are missing out on the two things that will actually sustain us during the inevitable hard times.”
Don’t miss out. Start your gratitude journey today.
Jump on the Starting Over Stronger after Divorce Facebook page (join now if you haven’t, with a few simple membership questions, and share about your gratitude journey with others on the divorce journey!
See you again next Wednesday for more help as you divorce and hope as you are Starting Over Stronger!