The young, pregnant woman left her village before dawn. She wanted no one to see her, no one to know the secret she had hidden for weeks. If they found out the searing shame would be too great to endure. It was the ultimate sin of a young woman. The elders might bring judgment and even death by stoning. No matter what she believed, the condemnation of friends and family would be overwhelming. Shame! The darkness might hide her from prying eyes but the agony tore at the depths of her soul. Even the gentleness of her fiancé, strong by her side as the slow light of dawn opened the sky over Nazareth, could not vanquish the coldness of Mary’s heart. 

Welcome to Tracks for the Journey, a podcast dedicated to your wellbeing. I’m Larry Payne, your host. In this Christmas season, let’s explore a subject never covered in the church Christmas pageant. Shame is the dark stain between the lines. It’s time to bring shame out of the shadow and discover ways to navigate this basic human experience. Let’s talk about Mary of Nazareth and her journey from shamed to blessed.

In this Christmas season we can discover a story to help us with our shame issues. The Gospels make plain Mary lived under the shadow of shame. The Gospel of Matthew tells the legend of Jesus’ miraculous birth from Joseph’s perspective. With his betrothed pregnant, Joseph wanted to spare her from shame. In the words of the Gospel, he “did not want to expose her to public disgrace.” His initial idea was to end the marriage plans. But God brought a different thought in a dream. He was to continue with the marriage as planned. 

In the Gospel of Luke we find the perspective of Mary. This Gospel is radical in bringing women to the center of God’s new work. The birth narratives are narrated from Mary’s vantage point. The story I told a moment ago is found in Luke 1: 39 which reveals that, just after learning she was pregnant, “Mary got ready and hurried to the town in the hill country of Judea.” The rural location is significant. As Joshua Spoelstra explains, Jewish law in Deuteronomy 22 sentenced a woman raped in the city to death, along with the perpetrator. If the crime occurs in the country, however, only the perpetrator is guilty. Mary, knowing the shame and stigma in the little city of Nazareth, fled many miles to find refuge in the country home of Zechariah. There she could be safe as an unwed, pregnant woman, assumed to be the victim of a crime in the rural area of Judea. (Loophole) 

Two millennia have not changed the impact shame can make on our wellbeing. Today’s research about trauma and shame have opened our understanding of the negative effects. Shame is defined as a belief that one is inadequate, flawed, unacceptable, or unworthy. This low, negative opinion of oneself is more than feeling guilty for doing something wrong. In contrast, it is the profound sense of being wrong. Dr. Brene Brown has brought insight about this when she writes, “Shame is the intensely painful feeling of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection.” (GI 53). She continues, “Shame is all about fear. We’re afraid people won’t like us if they know the truth about who we are…” (GI 54).

Shame usually appears as a response to trauma or abuse. Psychologist Jane Middelton-Moz says this is a common emotional response in adult children of alcoholic parents, as well as those who grew up with depressed parents, abuse, religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression, or death. All of these experiences cause an individual to feel vulnerable, helpless, or ashamed.

The belief of shame impacts the victim’s life in many negative ways. The sense of shame may provoke destructive behavior. This may be directed inside, towards oneself, or outside, toward others. According to Dr. Michael Lewis, women turn against themselves when ashamed, which can bring introversion and self-hate. In contrast, men tend to turn against others with anger and violence. In my counseling practice, shame seems to be the root of self-reproach, relational problems, anger, and depression. Shame is a barrier to positive self-regard, preventing us from loving and accepting oneself in healthy ways.

The Bible leaves silent the full emotions of Mary about this terribly difficult time in her life. We can fill in the gaps better with modern science and feminist insights. Pregnancy brought horrific trauma to this young woman. No matter what she might say about an angelic message, the assumed adultery was punishable by death, so a missed period in the family home could be fatal. Her dreams of marriage would be destroyed with a baby bump. Every social connection that had supported her life would be on the verge of collapse under the weight of stigma. Without doubt a dark cloud of being wrong, unworthy, flawed, and isolated descended on her. Mary felt shame in the core of her being.

Maybe you have read Nathaniel Hawthorne’s classic, The Scarlet Letter. It is the gripping story of Hester, an impetuous young woman of a Puritan village. With her husband missing and presumed dead, she falls in love with the local minister, Arthur. A child is conceived, bringing the criminal charge of adultery, shunning by the village, rejection of the men in her life, and the punishment of wearing a scarlet “A” for the rest of her life. As Hester stood on the pillory, adorned with the scarlet letter on the bosom of her long dress, one of the village women declared, “This woman has brought shame upon us all, and ought to die; Is there not law for it? Truly there is, both in the Scripture and the statutebook.” 

Shame drives that scarlet letter, or that flight from Nazareth, and threatens to shatter our sense of personal worth and value for others. Someone you know has been traumatized by the angry words of an alcoholic father, the lonely years at the orphanage, the perception of personal failure, or the pain of being bullied. The Christmas story opens our heart to Mary’s plight many centuries ago and might also direct us with empathy to the wounded person near us today.

Our awareness brings the question, What can we do with shame?

Shame and the corollary of guilt profoundly affect what we believe about ourselves. Thankfully, these thought patterns are not set in stone. We can change what we think. One important change comes in admitting the idea exists in our mind. To deal with shame, guilt, and self-judgment we must confront that these beliefs are like a powerful voice bringing reproach in everything we do. I encourage my clients to name this incessant voice, personifying it as “Critical Chris,” or “Frightened Little Landry.” By facing the inner critic we can find leverage and power to counteract the negative ideas. We decide we will be true and authentic to our own story to reduce the weight of our internalized negativity.

Another step is rediscovering our inherent worth and capacities. It’s a paradox that we treat ourselves more harshly than any other person. When a friend messes up, most of us quickly offer support to get the other back on track. But with our own personal issues, the inner critic takes control. We can counter this by learning self-compassion. Kristen Neff, an expert on this crucial capacity, says, …

We can also find the truth about our inherent worth by embracing a faith perspective. The Bible is clear that each human being is granted sacred significance. Just being born qualifies you as one of God’s beloved children! Beyond that, you have the capacity for living with the Spirit of God, imparting meaning and purpose. Instead of being unloved, you are loved by the Divine. Instead of being worthless, you are priceless to Jesus, who paid the ultimate price to give you a life that is worth living. With this foundation, shame and stigma can be overcome.

In The Scarlett Letter, Hester transforms the shame that others heaped on her into the power of giving support for other women. She knows the true story of what happened to her, that she had the courage to be honest while the men she thought cared for her lived a lie. She becomes a refuge for other women who have been stigmatized and shamed by powerful men. She becomes a channel of grace and hope for those who have been silenced.  

A final component in overcoming our shame is the choice of vulnerability. To be vulnerable is to say, “I need help.” We break the silence where shame flourishes and bring our needs to the light of trusted people. We say, “I wish I hadn’t done that, but I did and now I want something better.” Of course, this is hard. Our pride battles against it. Our fear of rejection urges us to stay silent. Embracing our vulnerability is to drown the voice of shame with the support of fellow strugglers. Brene Brown writes, “The definition of vulnerability is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our most accurate definition of courage.”

In Mary’s story from the Gospel of Luke, it is Elizabeth and Zechariah who embody the support needed with non-judgment and commitment. Mary opens her heart in vulnerability to this wonderful, godly couple. She discovers that God has already shown them the truth about her condition. Luke emphasizes the woman’s voice speaks the truth of God when Elizabeth pronounces her “Blessed!” Think of that—a pregnant young woman fleeing from stigma, shame, and punishment of her suspected sin—is the one who has been blessed by God! All the other voices of shame are the ones outside of God’s favor! Suddenly, Mary could fully accept the work of God and love herself as a priceless daughter of God. The courage of this older couple to welcome the shamed one gave Mary a new birth of hope, reconnecting with God’s great purpose. Perhaps Brene Brown channeled Mary’s sense of acceptance when she wrote that a person of worth says, “Yes, I am imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid but that doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave and worthy of love and belonging.” (GI, 1) 

With supportive Joseph by her side, Mary of Nazareth overcame her shame. After three months away, she did return to the village and found the people merciful and loving toward her and Joseph. After another period of exile in Egypt, she came back to raise her family, even a headstrong and charismatic oldest son named, in Hebrew, Yeshua. Decades later she told her story to the followers of Jesus with amazing theological insight. She saw her trauma and shame as a narrative of her life and the greater work of God to overcome the judgments of the proud with a new Kingdom of mercy and love. The words credited to her by Luke are the most extensive of any woman in the Bible and have lived through the ages as an ode to resiliency that overcomes shame. 

 “My soul glorifies the Lord
 47     and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior,
 48 for he has been mindful
     of the humble state of his servant.
 From now on all generations will call me blessed,
 49     for the Mighty One has done great things for me—
     holy is his name.
 50 His mercy extends to those who fear him,
     from generation to generation. (Luke 1: 46-50 NIV)

Christmas is a time of transformation. The shamed become the blessed. The peasant baby becomes the eternal king. And we can become new in the love of God. Merry Christmas!

Thank you for sharing this episode! This is the final one for the year. I’m working on some great topics for 2022, so I hope you’ll join me in the new year. In the meantime, all episodes for the past two years are available from your podcast provider. For even more material, checkout my website, tracksforthejourney.com. 

TFJ is made possible by your support through buymeabook.com, where a small gift can go a long way.

TFJ is recorded at the Bright Star Studio. All rights reserved. Music by Ivy Music through Pixabay and distributed by buzzsprout.com. I welcome your participation in the Tracks community on Facebook. All the best wishes on your journey to wellbeing!

CITED

Holly VanScoy, “Shame: The Quintessential Emotion.” www.psychcentral.com. https://psychcentral.com/lib/shame-the-quintessential-emotion#2

 Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone. New York: Random House, 2017.

Joshua Joel Spoelstra. The B∂TȖLȂ Loophole: Mary's Journey in Light of Deuteronomy 22. Neotestamentica, Vol. 49, No. 1 (2015), pp. 125-144 (20 pages) Published by: New Testament Society of Southern Africa. https://www.jstor.org

Kristen Neff. www.self-compassion.org

Nathaniel Hawthorne. The Scarlet Letter. Additional material by T. Perrotta, T. Connolly, and R. Milder. New York: Penguin Classics, 2016.