Years ago, the phone rang in my office. My wife’s voice was mildly hysterical. “I can’t find Lauren! I’ve looked everywhere!” I ran to the car and barreled home, thinking of where the 18 month old could be. We lived on a suburban street across from a busy schoolyard with lots of foot traffic and cars. Jan met me in the garage as I roared in. She had been busy in the house and Lauren was playing in her room. Then everything was quiet—and the toddler no place to be found. The door to the patio had been unlocked and Jan found the gate open. I dashed outside and across the street to the large park near the school. No blond head to be seen. A friend arrived who had heard the news from my office staff and I sent him to the houses just north. I headed south, looking around the neighboring houses, peering in backyards, calling her name.  A police car appeared at the curb, lights flashing, alerted to the missing child. Then I heard an excited shout. Jan was in the front yard, holding the little gal. “She was in her closet, asleep in the doll bed with Raggedy Ann!” My fear turned to joy as we all shared a laugh.

If your family has a story like mine, I hope all turned out just as well. Yet there are times when we may feel deep inside that we don’t know where we are, or who we are. Life has somehow brought confusion and struggle. We’re not searching for someone else, but for ourselves. Today on this episode of TFJ, I want to explore the topic “Finding Me: the way to your identity.”

One of my summer books was a best-seller by the renowned author Sue Monk Kidd, titled, The Book of Longings. It is about a woman in first century Israel named Ana, who is the wife of Jesus. Yes, Kidd has crafted a remarkable fictional story of the wife of Jesus Christ. No mention of any such person is found in the Bible, or in the work of any early Christian leader, of course. Yet, as a fiction work, Kidd has succeeded in presenting with incredible detail the life of a first century Hebrew woman in a patriarchal culture, searching for her identity. Ana knows one thing, she is a writer of stories about her gender in all the glory and shame presented by the world of that day. Her father and mother cannot understand her desire but she persists in secret. She meets an amazing guy, full of wisdom, love, and passion for all those around him, a carpenter from Nazareth. Will her identity and aspirations every be fulfilled? How this unfolds is for you to read. 

The discovery of our identity as a unique person seems a universal quest. We laugh at the childish dreams of the kids, while telling them they can do it. The middle schools sponsor college and vocational days to lift up ambitions. High schools take tours of local industries to give the young adults a taste of what it is like. The more advanced schools also work on character qualities that mean so much no matter what the field of endeavor. Tests may be given that highlight aptitudes. All the while, the growing person is trying to sort out the whirling thoughts of social connection, achievement, sex, or family to answer the question, ‘Who am I?”

The Bible has some wonderful answers to that question. 

All humans are the children of God, a part of the divine family. The sermon in Athens by the Apostle Paul says “In God we live and move and exist…being the children of God” (Acts 17:28-29). That is quite an identity in just one statement! Every human that has ever existed had a connection to God, and all 7 billion of us now have the same. Our intimacy and understanding of this divine family vary. But God holds each of us within this immense family of divine relationship. Your ultimate origin is from God, so you can use the metaphor of God as Father, or Mother, to try and grasp this miracle. You are never an outcast, never marginalized, with this house of God as your place of belonging. You are loved and included at the table. Amazing!

Another incredible truth about your identity is that you are a masterpiece of God’s creation. Once again it is the inspiration of the Apostle Paul, writing,  “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do” (Ephesians 2:10). The picture is of a master artist, laboring with intensity, to create a work like has never been seen in the universe. This is you personally. God has good works for you to do. And God is leading us in those, offering us the in love choice to do the wonderful things that God can envision. The teaching also encompasses how all the community of God can create a good Kingdom with the presence of Jesus leading the way.

We also need to be alert to a counter-current in the universe. Our identity is often forged in the depths of the valley, in the crucible of testing, or the night of wrestling with the unknown. In our world today, the struggle against adversity is fierce for many people. A pandemic has killed hundreds of thousands to create an ocean of mourning and sadness. People of color are oppressed, fighting to find a way forward. A tsunami of stress has tossed families into patterns of anxiety, anger, or depression. Refugees are trapped with little more than a tent of misery for comfort. Bloody conflict divides nations. Abuse from loved ones scars the souls of many children and women. The struggle for personal identity can be almost impossible in these hard times. 

Yet, if we look closely, we can find a note of hope from within these hard times. The narratives of the Bible are filled with the stories of identity emerging from the struggles of life. Jacob wrestled with an angel he couldn’t understand. Daniel went into the den of lions. Saul was blinded by a vision of Jesus and took a new name, Paul. Peter was named “The Rock” by Jesus weeks before he would deny the rabbi. The theme is clear: a part of our identity can only be found as we are tested, even broken, and then remade for a divine purpose. Wounded, we can be healed to authentic wholeness.

The danger is that these deep wounds may trap us in our journey. A false image of who we really are may come from the struggle. We may seem to hear a wounded, cynical and angry voice deep in our thoughts. The message declares, “This struggle shows you aren’t worth anything. You are broken and can’t be fixed. You are unlovable. You always fail. You don’t deserve good things.”  These ideas may have been formed in childhood, perhaps emerging from a traumatic situation which stamped an indelible message in our mind.

 Psychology tells us that these dark and bitter experiences can leave emotional scars. We can call such critical scripts “Negative Core Beliefs.” They are the deeply embedded thought patterns about who we are, what we can do, our capacity for love, or what our worth is to the world. A self-image formed from such damaging ideas can wreck our life. They can stamp out hope. They may push us to numb our pain with substance use. They often separate us from others due to a sense of shame. Sadly, these negative core beliefs ultimately rob us of well-being.

As a counselor, I work constantly with my clients to identify these negative core beliefs. For some, the beliefs confront them each day, replaying the toxic words of a parent. For others, the messages are disguised, buried underneath layers of anger or sadness. A harsh and angry religious tradition may reinforce some of the condemnation with heaps of guilt. A heart of courage is required to take the risk of naming the pain and corrosive thoughts so some change can come. How wonderful it is when the beliefs are changed. Healing can come when reflection brings more realistic, rational, and balanced thought patterns.   

How can we escape the disabling wounds of these dark ideas about our very selves? 

The discovery of a true identity can come when we reject the lies formed from our wounds and accept new truths about our Self. The lies of the false Self are revealed when we discover that we are loved by God in spite of our mistakes. We can leave the fear behind to be vulnerable and share our gifts with the world. We can embrace higher purposes to follow out of the trials to a place of hope. All of this transformation is unlocked by the choices we make to listen to the higher truths. Your choice determines who you become!

This process may seem hard. I cannot say it is easy. But I can say that the risk, the work, the changes, and the practice required will be worth it. Finding your higher Self, the identity for which you are intended, will be a reward far greater than the struggle.

A few weeks ago, I read a biography of Harry Truman written by David McCullough. Truman was the president in the final months of WW2, and for the next 7 years. He confronted one huge crisis after another: the use of the atomic bomb against Japan, the Cold War with Russia, and the iron curtain blockade of Berlin, massive labor strikes, the struggle for civil rights in the US, and the Korean War halfway around the globe. Historians agree that even his political opponents acknowledge that Truman faced these monumental decisions with a steadfast integrity. This quality of his identity didn’t emerge during the White House years. It was forged during his youth on the hardscrabble Missouri farm of his parents, from the bullying he received as a child, and the teachings he absorbed from his family and church. Even as a novice county judge, when offered bribes for road projects, Truman lived an identity stamped with a robust conscience and honesty. He choose in small family business decisions and those which shape our world today that he would do what was right. His choices made the person who led the world through the post-war crisis to prosperity and strength.

In a real sense there is a deeper question than “Who am I?” That is the question of “What will I believe about myself?” You have a choice. The circumstances of your life may have clouded the path and carried you into a dark place. But you can choose a path forward. You can find and follow spiritual and existential truths about your own worth, value, and identity. It’s time to find your Self and better wellbeing.