I remember the first time I saw a dead person. I awakened to answer the phone and heard the voice of an older woman, a member of my small church in rural Oklahoma. “Pastor! He’s dead! John’s dead. Come help me!” I hurried through the dark streets to her house. The man lay in the bed, pale, cold, and still. She explained he had gone to bed not feeling well and when she checked sometime later, he didn’t respond. Dead, the spirit of his life departed, he now lay quiet as in sleep, but silent. As we waited for the police and mortuary workers to arrive, I formed a circle of prayer with the stunned widow and the deceased. One of my hands touched warm, moist flesh, while the other hand touched cold and immobile skin. My prayer thanked God for his life and the promise of eternal life. An hour later the body left the house. But, one might wonder, where was John now?
Welcome to the podcast! Tracks for the Journey is all about building your well-being with insights from progressive Christian spirituality, psychology, and history. Today we walk the path of all mortal beings to seek a way through death and the afterlife.
The reality of death, the heartache of grief, and the mystery of the afterlife have puzzled humankind since the species began. Scientists believe the oldest art known depicts such questions. Across the world ancient caves contain art that is around 40,000 years old, the oldest human art known. Many of these depict a hybrid human-animal creature who seems to hold the power of life and death. Humans of all ages seem to wonder about these questions of existence. As professor Resa Azlan writes in his book, God: A Human History, “Undeniable is that religious belief is so widespread that it must be considered an elemental part of the human experience. We are homo religious… in our existential striving toward transcendence: toward that which lies beyond the manifest world” (Azlan, God 25). The Hebrew Bible, composed between 1000 and 400 BCE, describes belief in Sheol, the world of shadows, where all the dead exist, neither rewarded or punished, held in an undead state of separation from God and life (Dictionary Wisdom 5). How oppressive was the day-by-day burden of death that must have been so common in a world with an average life expectancy of less than 35 years. My questions of John’s destiny that cold night in the little Oklahoma town were echoes from the dawn of history
In this pandemic millions of families have felt grief in a traumatic reality. What is grief? We use the word “grief” to name the complex of emotions we feel when a loss occurs. In the immediate days after loss physical sensations sweep across our body provoking muscle weakness, shortness of breath, tightening in the chest and hollowness in the stomach. Then we think differently, maybe not believing it is real, or being so confused we can’t remember things. We start interpreting our self differently, feeling anger, guilt, loneliness, sadness, or numbness. Our behaviors change as we have no appetite, withdraw from others, or lash out with rage (Corr, Nabe, Corr Death 214). It may be a comfort to know that Jesus experienced the darkness of grief. The Scriptures describe how Jesus was “troubled” standing at the grave of his friend, Lazarus. The adjective conveys a physical shuddering of anger, anguish, and sorrow as Jesus sobbed in grief with his friends. As I left the new widow that night long ago, all of this and more was settling on her mind. And most of us have felt this way, too. The shadow of loss and grief comes to every human heart.
In this episode I want to share some ways to walk on this path of grief.
Does what you believe about the afterlife affect how you grieve? Of course it does. Psychology is unanimous in teaching that our thought patterns about any issue shape the way we feel and behave. In the case of bereavement, should I believe there is no existence after death then I may feel a deep pang of regret that I had not expressed more love to my mother when she was alive. Should I believe that my brother will be punished in Hell for eternity since he did not make an explicit profession of faith in Jesus, then I may feel angry at God for such injustice. Strongly held beliefs often produce an existential crisis when we stand at the edge of this great question.
By the first century, Judaism had changed views of the afterlife from the idea of Sheol. The majority in Jesus’ day believed the faithful would be resurrected from death to live forever with God (Sigvartsen, “Afterlife,” bibleinterp/Arizona/edu.com). Jesus taught the reality of a vital spiritual existence after death, even promising to the thief hanging beside him, “Today you will be with me in Paradise (Luke 23:43). Paradise described a new Garden of Eden, recreated in the heavens for the righteous. The Apostle Paul preached that a believer who died was “present with the Lord,” in his words from 2 Corinthians 5:8. In another writing Paul acknowledged this spiritual truth should make a great impact on the grief experience. Writing to new Christians in the Greek city of Thessalonika he said, “we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-14). The Apostle offers comfort to those who believe by asserting that the afterlife will be blessed through the resurrected savior, Jesus. These believers had experienced a new spiritual meaning by following the way of Jesus, therefore they could expect with certainty God would provide a blessed life after death. Christian theology across the centuries has used these foundational beliefs to give millions the courage to face death with peace and hope.
I believe we should be honest, though, that such peace after the death of a loved one does not come easily. After the acute phase of grief that I described earlier comes the long process of adjusting to life in the absence of that beloved person. This is the reality of the empty boots at a military funeral or the empty chair at the Thanksgiving table. The strong arms or the bright smile of the friend is gone. Our memories are the only place we can find to share what once was a vital presence.
The work of David Kessler provides guidance for our work of grieving. As I attended his seminar entitled “Finding Meaning: the sixth stage of grief,” I came away with some new ways of thinking about this profound task of readjustment. For many years the various stages of grief have been in the public thinking…. Pervading these phases of the grieving process is the search for meaning. Kessler suggests we are working on two fundamental questions. One is “Who am I without him?” The second is “What is my new relationship with him?”
The first question is focused on the absence of our loved one. “Who am I financially… socially… sexually… or spiritually?” Part of our identity was bound up with the deceased. Now that context is gone. I was a husband but now I am a widower. Or, I had a secure income but now there is no money coming in. In the work of grief we must come up with the answers to our new identity, status, context, and future. I read of a middle-aged widow faced this question after her husband’s sudden death. He had done all the financial work for the couple. She was an educational professional and had steady income but struggled for months with understanding what to do with the bills, the investments, and the property. She felt like she was thrown into a swirling sea of confusion with her hands tied by grief.
The second question is “What is my new relationship to my loved one?” This is a question of meaning. The bereaved is forced to adjust to the reality of a different connection, one of memories, unfilled plans, or holidays without the hugs that meant so much. The loved one is absent from active interaction but so very present as a dynamic emotional presence. What would she think if I remarried? Or, Zeke was holding this stuffed animal when he died so what should I do with it? The widow I mentioned a moment ago was faced with a 2,000 square foot garage her husband had filled with his hobbies, tools, and equipment for some projects that would never be done. Weeks after his death she opened the door for the first time and collapsed in tears with the memories and overwhelming work ahead. She was angry at having so much to do and divided on what he would want. Her relationship to him was overcome with the relationship to these things of his. How could she define the new relationship to this departed presence?
What do you believe about the afterlife? Americans hold a broad belief in the path to a happy afterlife. A poll by the Pew Organization tallied that 72% of Americans believe in Heaven and 66% believe that Heaven could be attained through many spiritual traditions. It is a part of our cultural tradition to assure the grieving person that the loved one is “in a better place.” This universalism finds a clear voice in the Scripture. Hearing again from Apostle Paul in the book of Ephesians, he makes plain God intends a complete redemption for all persons, “to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ” (Ephesians 2:10) The love, mercy, and creative power of God leads to the confidence that the work of God has extended to billions who never knew the name of specific name of Yahweh or Jesus. The response God has always sought is not assent to a set of doctrines or a once-in-a-lifetime ritual at a certain point during our brief earthly years. Instead, God seeks a relational and transformational response to the offer of unrelenting love and justice. Many believe this response is not completed in our lifespan, holding that in the afterlife God continues to work in each human being, forming and transforming our pitiful and limited faith. In theology this is called “sanctification.” It means God labors to bring our lives to full fellowship through the totality of our existence. As 1 Corinthians 3:10-15 states, God will continue to do a testing and redeeming work after death. “Their work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each person’s work. 14 If what has been built survives, the builder will receive a reward. 15 If it is burned up, the builder will suffer loss but yet will be saved—even though only as one escaping through the flames.” To me, it seems apparent that all humans who have ever lived, perhaps 110 billion through the 200,000 years of Homo sapiens, will ultimately be loved into the everlasting kingdom. Jesus declared, “When I am lifted up from the earth, I will draw all people to myself” (John 12:32). I think he really meant it!
Encouraged by such convictions, our grief experience can make a way towards healing. We process the pain by reflecting, talking, praying, and letting go of the old shape of life. We begin to tell a new story about our identity and relationship in the absence of our loved one. We discover and hold to the good memories, the legacy, and the honor granted in the life we shared. Across many days and nights, the Spirit of God does a work of mercy which brings comfort and hope.
The widow with the huge pain and large workshop worked diligently on her broken heart. She found support in wise friends about money management. She enlisted the adult children to work with her in the barn, offering items to non-profits, keeping some sentimental items, and bonding with them in this sacred task of honoring their father. The pain diminished as the seasons rolled on.
Dr. Kessler offers a thought I’d like to leave with you. He taught, “We heal from grief when we remember the loved one with more love than pain. We build love around the pain and make it a part of the love.”
May your grief be building a new life with more love.
Works Cited
God: A Human History. Reza Aslan.
Dictionary of the Old Testament: Historical Books.
Death and Dying, Like and Living. C. Carr, C. Nabe, and D. Cobb. Wadworth Thomson Learning, 2000.
“Afterlife and Resurrection Beliefs in the Second Temple Period.” Jan Sigvartsen. www.bibleinterp.arizona.edu.com
“Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief” Seminar. David Kessler. Personal Notes by author