WEBVTT 00:00:25.469 --> 00:00:27.110 Hello, my unicorns. 00:00:27.110 --> 00:00:44.581 Listen, if you have been feeling lately like you don't got this, like the weight of the world and the weight of all your responsibilities is too much for you, then this episode today is for you, and I have been feeling very similarly recently. 00:00:44.581 --> 00:01:20.628 I've been feeling like there were a lot of responsibilities as falling behind on and tremendous fear and anxiety and pressure about the future, and so that's what led me to really have this realization that this is something I really want to share on the podcast and share my takeaways from my own experience with you and share the tools that I know from my training as a coach and in psychology and therapy practices that can really help you work through this stress. 00:01:20.628 --> 00:01:35.939 So I want to start by talking with you about my personal story and personal story, and then we're going to look at dependency and codependency and independency and when you may or may not have heard of before and that's interdependency. 00:01:35.939 --> 00:01:40.582 So first, a little bit about my own background. 00:01:40.582 --> 00:01:44.484 I believe I've shared it before, but hey, some of you are in it, new here. 00:01:44.484 --> 00:01:50.469 I want you to know that accepting help has always been really, really hard for me. 00:01:50.469 --> 00:02:00.356 I have always preferred self help resources over actually like opening up and admitting when I feel helpless. 00:02:01.737 --> 00:02:14.644 If you've heard me share anything about my suicide attempt before, then you know that I was actively in therapy for several years leading up to my attempt and in therapy afterwards. 00:02:14.644 --> 00:02:24.192 And it wasn't until afterwards that I actually started opening up and being radically honest with my therapist About how I was feeling. 00:02:24.192 --> 00:02:37.881 Until that point I was kind of showing up and just help, hoping and expecting that she would just fix me and that I didn't really have to be quite an active part in the healing process. 00:02:37.881 --> 00:02:43.185 Also because I think I didn't really, just, really just didn't trust others to help me. 00:02:43.185 --> 00:02:45.146 I didn't feel like that was their role. 00:02:45.146 --> 00:02:50.310 I felt like my role in life and this still shows up for me today which is we'll get to that. 00:02:50.310 --> 00:03:03.219 But I frequently feel like in life it's my role to be there to support and help others, but it's not anyone else's role to be there and support me. 00:03:03.219 --> 00:03:11.385 And so for both of those reasons I found it really difficult to open up and be honest and share with my therapist. 00:03:11.385 --> 00:03:21.955 It was like, hey, you can fix me, but also like you can't, because I'm not going to let you have any information, because I don't feel like you're actually supposed to help me. 00:03:21.955 --> 00:03:55.930 I need to be able to help myself, and so I was not willing to allow her to help me I also this is another kind of funny realization that I had just within the last few weeks I create a playlist every year for, like, you know, the year, and it's like titled something along the lines of the year, like 2021, 2022, 2023. 00:03:55.930 --> 00:04:22.640 And then whatever the theme of the year is for me and this year's theme was, I've got this and the irony is I didn't realize until within the last few weeks that that was just another way of me again kind of avoiding being helped or allowing people to support me. 00:04:22.640 --> 00:04:23.981 2023. 00:04:23.981 --> 00:04:24.822 I've got this. 00:04:24.822 --> 00:04:37.795 No, I'm actually changing and I'm going to do it actually with you on the I almost said on the call, we're not on a call on the podcast, right now, I am changing the name of that podcast. 00:04:37.795 --> 00:04:39.798 Or on girl, I can't even speak. 00:04:39.798 --> 00:04:45.524 I'm changing the name of this playlist right now from 2023. 00:04:45.524 --> 00:04:48.565 I've got this to 2023. 00:04:48.565 --> 00:04:50.711 We've got this. 00:04:50.711 --> 00:04:56.482 And that, right there, my friend, is the theme of this episode today. 00:04:56.482 --> 00:04:59.547 Boom, done, I just changed it on my phone. 00:05:02.091 --> 00:05:10.531 The experience that I had recently that really brought this issue back to the forefront Was I. 00:05:10.531 --> 00:05:26.463 My boyfriend and I threw a party a couple weekends ago and I had an Anxiety attack, not a panic attack, and the two are different in that with a panic attack, you often feel like you're dying. 00:05:26.463 --> 00:05:29.045 That's the short version of it. 00:05:29.045 --> 00:05:40.858 With a Anxiety attack, you often feel tremendous physical symptoms of anxiety in your body and so, obviously, that's also a very simplified version. 00:05:40.858 --> 00:05:45.557 If you want to know more about the difference between the two, feel free to Google it, but for today's purposes, that's perfect. 00:05:45.637 --> 00:06:06.581 Okay, so Anxiety attack I was having an anxiety attack at this party and I was experiencing a burning sensation in my chest and the roller coaster drop sensation in my stomach and it was fucking terrible and it wasn't just lasting a few minutes. 00:06:06.581 --> 00:06:29.060 It was lasting in, coming and going in waves, but always being present for over three hours, and I just wanted to run away from everything and everyone and my brain went on this Wild journey, just imagining what if I just left everyone and everything behind. 00:06:29.060 --> 00:06:30.944 I moved to another country and I changed my name. 00:06:30.944 --> 00:06:36.095 It was like, wow, that's, it's pretty traumatic. 00:06:36.095 --> 00:06:49.742 Girl, I Know that what I'm experiencing right now is temporary and I do genuinely enjoy my life, I enjoy my work, I enjoy my friends. 00:06:49.742 --> 00:06:59.076 I do not want to Run away and avoid everyone and everything, but it wasn't pretty fun fantasy in the moment. 00:06:59.076 --> 00:07:05.439 I'll tell you what like it did bring a little bit of relief, but ultimately it didn't really fix anything. 00:07:05.439 --> 00:07:28.994 Here's what did fix it, though I Finally opened up and talked with someone and admitted that I did not feel like I've got this, and it was literally as simple as Talking with my boyfriend. 00:07:29.975 --> 00:07:38.526 I kind of pulled him aside and I was like, hey, I've been struggling and this isn't reason I've been struggling. 00:07:38.526 --> 00:07:57.405 For months now I have been feeling all this pressure to keep it together and to fake it and, to you know, act as if I've got it together and like I'm going to and like I don't have fear or doubt. 00:07:57.405 --> 00:08:01.321 And the truth is I Don't feel like I've got this. 00:08:01.321 --> 00:08:05.415 I Don't feel like I can handle all this. 00:08:05.415 --> 00:08:15.817 I feel very afraid and I Just needed to admit it to you and I need some help. 00:08:15.838 --> 00:08:32.757 And the funny thing was, before he even said anything at all, I just felt this huge sense of relief Because the secret was out. 00:08:32.757 --> 00:08:45.010 It's kind of like when you come out where you've been holding this in, or some of you haven't come out yet, but you've got some relief to look forward to. 00:08:45.010 --> 00:08:45.601 Let me tell you what. 00:08:45.601 --> 00:08:59.381 When you come out, many of you know that you feel this big sense of relief because the secret that you've been holding in that's crushing you, that you've been trying so hard to keep a secret. 00:08:59.381 --> 00:09:03.491 Whether or not you actually were successful doesn't really matter. 00:09:03.491 --> 00:09:12.705 People may have figured it out, but unless you have admitted it, you live in constant fear of being found out. 00:09:12.705 --> 00:09:19.841 And when you do share it, there's instant relief, no matter how they react, even if it's horrible. 00:09:19.841 --> 00:09:22.548 At least you don't have to keep this thing anymore. 00:09:22.548 --> 00:09:31.222 And that was the same sensation that I experienced immediately after just admitting to him I don't feel like I've got this. 00:09:34.799 --> 00:09:39.610 Then we had a conversation about how we can each support each other better. 00:09:39.610 --> 00:10:14.966 It was nice for me I enjoy supporting people so it was nice for me to hear some ways that I could also support him more, and those were ways that are easy for me, that I can happily and easily jump into, and I admitted the things in which I don't feel like I've got it and the ways in which I would really appreciate having some help or assistance from him, because these are things to really challenging for me and really difficult for me and cause a lot of stress and effort on my part, and they come easily and naturally to him. 00:10:14.966 --> 00:10:18.088 And that's it. 00:10:18.088 --> 00:10:20.325 That's how that conversation went. 00:10:20.325 --> 00:10:22.325 It wasn't a big deal. 00:10:22.325 --> 00:10:35.631 I had built it up in my head like, oh, I have to run away and not have this conversation so wild how our brains can take us down those crazy exaggerated solutions, right? 00:10:37.299 --> 00:10:49.590 So the lesson in that for me, and what I want to share with you today, is that while the message of I've got this is tempting, it is not stable. 00:10:49.590 --> 00:11:11.846 If you believe and force yourself to act in every scenario as if I've got this on my own, I've got this, then that means that anything you're weak in, boom, instant, ko, you've got nothing to fall back on, and anything that you're strong at, great, you've got it. 00:11:11.846 --> 00:11:30.384 It leaves a very small amount of scenarios, situations in life that you can navigate, because when you're doing it on your own, you don't have any backup, you don't have any stability. 00:11:30.384 --> 00:11:32.666 Think about a table with one leg. 00:11:32.666 --> 00:11:43.724 It's balanced if that, if that leg is like really thick, okay, and maybe you do think of yourself as as that thick leg. 00:11:43.724 --> 00:11:44.849 That's got a lot. 00:11:44.849 --> 00:11:46.937 You have a lot together. 00:11:46.937 --> 00:11:49.849 You've got it in a lot of areas. 00:11:49.849 --> 00:11:52.415 So you've got like one big thick leg for that table. 00:11:52.415 --> 00:12:06.143 But it's still just one leg for the table and so, while it may be balanced for a while, if some shaking comes along, along comes an earthquake, along comes like a heavy object placed on the edge of the table. 00:12:06.143 --> 00:12:08.789 The table can tip over. 00:12:08.789 --> 00:12:18.189 If you've got three legs to the table, for example, that's extremely stable. 00:12:19.593 --> 00:12:38.491 And so the same thing happens with us in life and our, our relationships, our connections I'm not just using relationships in a romantic way, I mean your friends, your coach, anyone who is there to support you and yourself. 00:12:38.491 --> 00:12:48.949 All of all of these are different legs of support, and the more legs of support that you have, the more stable you can be. 00:12:48.949 --> 00:13:06.909 So lean into the concept not of I've got this, but of we've got this with your partners, your coach, your friends, your therapist, your family, whoever is there to support you. 00:13:06.909 --> 00:13:16.712 There's such sweet relief in being honest and human and admitting that you don't feel like you've got this. 00:13:16.712 --> 00:13:19.600 You don't feel like you can handle the weight of the world on your own. 00:13:19.600 --> 00:13:23.860 The truth is, no one can and you don't need to. 00:13:23.860 --> 00:13:48.038 So I want to explain a little bit around dependency versus codependency, versus independency versus interdependency Now, because these terms are really what we're talking about here when we are shifting from I've got this to we've got this. 00:13:48.038 --> 00:13:51.197 So a quick definition of dependency. 00:13:51.689 --> 00:14:00.197 Dependency refers to a state in which one person or entity relies on another for support, resources or assistance. 00:14:00.197 --> 00:14:08.964 It often implies a one-sided, unbalanced relationship where one party is more reliant on the other. 00:14:08.964 --> 00:14:11.571 That's dependency, okay. 00:14:11.571 --> 00:14:25.750 Codependency, on the other hand, is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where two individuals or two parties become overly emotionally reliant on each other. 00:14:25.750 --> 00:14:32.188 It often involves enabling or supporting destructive behaviors in one another. 00:14:32.188 --> 00:14:36.281 All right, so neither one of these is healthy. 00:14:36.642 --> 00:14:37.947 But there's some nuances here. 00:14:37.947 --> 00:14:43.678 For example, dependency right, that's not like it's an evil thing. 00:14:43.678 --> 00:14:55.362 A child is dependent on their parents for food, shelter and care Okay, so a child being dependent on a parent is normal and good and healthy. 00:14:55.362 --> 00:15:16.081 A person being reliant I'm sorry, not reliant being dependent on their romantic partner for just, let's say, their life purpose Okay, their partner is their only sense of purpose for their life. 00:15:16.081 --> 00:15:22.942 That's how I felt back in 2017, pretty suicide attempt, not healthy. 00:15:22.942 --> 00:15:30.474 Not healthy, because as soon as that person is no longer there, it's like sweeping that leg out from under the table. 00:15:30.474 --> 00:15:34.949 Now you simply fall over, All right. 00:15:34.949 --> 00:15:37.029 So we've got dependency. 00:15:37.029 --> 00:15:50.125 We've got codependency that unhealthy relationship where both parties are doing that kind of dependent thing in a way that enables and encourages unhealthy behavior patterns. 00:15:50.125 --> 00:15:55.220 And then, on the other hand, the complete opposite side. 00:15:55.220 --> 00:15:56.864 We've got independence. 00:15:58.213 --> 00:16:15.229 Independence is a state where an individual can meet their own needs, make decisions and take care of themselves without relying at all on others, and it can also imply self-sufficiency in a positive way. 00:16:15.229 --> 00:16:16.834 Okay. 00:16:16.834 --> 00:16:28.918 So independency, though often in our modern culture is the exaggerated form where you are totally independent from others. 00:16:28.918 --> 00:16:41.837 You are totally self-reliant and you don't have the ability to rely on others for support or care, and this is where interdependence comes in. 00:16:41.837 --> 00:16:52.139 So if you haven't heard of interdependence before, quick definition of interdependence is it's a healthy and balanced form of relating to others. 00:16:52.139 --> 00:17:01.758 It involves mutual reliance and cooperation where individuals support each other while maintaining their own independence. 00:17:01.758 --> 00:17:19.497 So, for example, in healthy romantic relationships, partners rely on each other emotionally for support and they also maintain their individual identities and their self-sufficiencies. 00:17:19.497 --> 00:17:23.175 They're not fully independent. 00:17:23.175 --> 00:17:28.318 I've got this and they're not fully dependent. 00:17:28.318 --> 00:17:32.453 You've got to take care of this for me, or codependent. 00:17:32.453 --> 00:17:38.255 You've got to take care of this for me and I've got to take care of that for you, because you can't do it without me. 00:17:40.995 --> 00:17:48.955 Dependency and independency both are like the all or nothing black and white versions. 00:17:48.955 --> 00:17:57.259 Right, you're either all in with being too dependent or all out on your own being too independent. 00:17:57.259 --> 00:18:13.419 And so we want to really start leaning into that concept of interdependence where you have a healthy balance of relying on others and maintaining your own self-identity. 00:18:13.419 --> 00:18:33.615 And so, going back to that mantra of we've got this, we is empowered, it's not alone, it's honest, it recognizes your limits and appreciates other strengths that make them good at being a support system for you. 00:18:35.309 --> 00:18:41.293 Partner at different times with different people for different purposes. 00:18:41.293 --> 00:18:53.240 Lean into your friends, your family, your coach, your therapist, a stranger in the subway, a customer service agent, any human you interact with. 00:18:53.240 --> 00:18:57.440 Collaborate, be a support to others. 00:18:57.440 --> 00:19:00.336 Allow others to support you. 00:19:00.336 --> 00:19:05.700 Collaborating requires those steps of confidence. 00:19:05.700 --> 00:19:10.841 Interdependence is a confident practice. 00:19:10.841 --> 00:19:13.154 Remember the three steps. 00:19:14.610 --> 00:19:21.935 One allow yourself to be uncomfortable, and for a lot of you, interdependence, collaborating with others. 00:19:21.935 --> 00:19:30.000 It is difficult, it's very uncomfortable, and so you're gonna have to stretch yourself and challenge yourself to lean into it. 00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:34.240 Take action, open up, have these conversations. 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:37.479 When you don't feel like you've got this, let someone know. 00:19:37.479 --> 00:19:39.876 Don't keep doing it on your own. 00:19:39.876 --> 00:19:53.696 Don't run away and change your name and quit everything like I wanted to in that moment of panic and fear, and finally have your own back. 00:19:53.696 --> 00:20:01.996 It's gonna feel uncomfortable, it's gonna feel weird, it's gonna feel different and the temptation is going to be to kind of beat yourself up about it. 00:20:02.169 --> 00:20:15.135 Either beating yourself up about why didn't you collaborate with other people sooner and lean into this interdependent framework, or you're gonna be beating yourself up about it being wrong. 00:20:15.135 --> 00:20:21.020 Or you're too much, or you're too heavy or too much of a burden for other people. 00:20:21.020 --> 00:20:27.424 We've got to acknowledge those stories in your head. 00:20:27.424 --> 00:20:30.837 Send them a hug, a kiss, a love note. 00:20:30.837 --> 00:20:33.554 Let them know we appreciate them. 00:20:33.554 --> 00:20:35.714 They are here for a reason. 00:20:35.714 --> 00:20:38.937 They are here because of your past experiences. 00:20:38.937 --> 00:20:41.115 But you no longer need to live that way. 00:20:41.115 --> 00:20:49.657 You are now open to being supported by others and going through this life more collaboratively. 00:20:49.657 --> 00:20:52.057 We've got this unicorn. 00:20:52.057 --> 00:20:54.040 See you next Tuesday.