Coach Alex Ray: Hello, my unicorns.
Coach Alex Ray: Listen, if you have been feeling lately like you don't got this, like the weight of the world and the weight of all your responsibilities is too much for you, then this episode today is for you, and I have been feeling very similarly recently.
Coach Alex Ray: I've been feeling like there were a lot of responsibilities as falling behind on and tremendous fear and anxiety and pressure about the future, and so that's what led me to really have this realization that this is something I really want to share on the podcast and share my takeaways from my own experience with you and share the tools that I know from my training as a coach and in psychology and therapy practices that can really help you work through this stress.
Coach Alex Ray: So I want to start by talking with you about my personal story and personal story, and then we're going to look at dependency and codependency and independency and when you may or may not have heard of before and that's interdependency.
Coach Alex Ray: So first, a little bit about my own background.
Coach Alex Ray: I believe I've shared it before, but hey, some of you are in it, new here.
Coach Alex Ray: I want you to know that accepting help has always been really, really hard for me.
Coach Alex Ray: I have always preferred self help resources over actually like opening up and admitting when I feel helpless.
Coach Alex Ray: If you've heard me share anything about my suicide attempt before, then you know that I was actively in therapy for several years leading up to my attempt and in therapy afterwards.
Coach Alex Ray: And it wasn't until afterwards that I actually started opening up and being radically honest with my therapist About how I was feeling.
Coach Alex Ray: Until that point I was kind of showing up and just help, hoping and expecting that she would just fix me and that I didn't really have to be quite an active part in the healing process.
Coach Alex Ray: Also because I think I didn't really, just, really just didn't trust others to help me.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't feel like that was their role.
Coach Alex Ray: I felt like my role in life and this still shows up for me today which is we'll get to that.
Coach Alex Ray: But I frequently feel like in life it's my role to be there to support and help others, but it's not anyone else's role to be there and support me.
Coach Alex Ray: And so for both of those reasons I found it really difficult to open up and be honest and share with my therapist.
Coach Alex Ray: It was like, hey, you can fix me, but also like you can't, because I'm not going to let you have any information, because I don't feel like you're actually supposed to help me.
Coach Alex Ray: I need to be able to help myself, and so I was not willing to allow her to help me I also this is another kind of funny realization that I had just within the last few weeks I create a playlist every year for, like, you know, the year, and it's like titled something along the lines of the year, like 2021, 2022, 2023.
Coach Alex Ray: And then whatever the theme of the year is for me and this year's theme was, I've got this and the irony is I didn't realize until within the last few weeks that that was just another way of me again kind of avoiding being helped or allowing people to support me.
Coach Alex Ray: 2023.
Coach Alex Ray: I've got this.
Coach Alex Ray: No, I'm actually changing and I'm going to do it actually with you on the I almost said on the call, we're not on a call on the podcast, right now, I am changing the name of that podcast.
Coach Alex Ray: Or on girl, I can't even speak.
Coach Alex Ray: I'm changing the name of this playlist right now from 2023.
Coach Alex Ray: I've got this to 2023.
Coach Alex Ray: We've got this.
Coach Alex Ray: And that, right there, my friend, is the theme of this episode today.
Coach Alex Ray: Boom, done, I just changed it on my phone.
Coach Alex Ray: The experience that I had recently that really brought this issue back to the forefront Was I.
Coach Alex Ray: My boyfriend and I threw a party a couple weekends ago and I had an Anxiety attack, not a panic attack, and the two are different in that with a panic attack, you often feel like you're dying.
Coach Alex Ray: That's the short version of it.
Coach Alex Ray: With a Anxiety attack, you often feel tremendous physical symptoms of anxiety in your body and so, obviously, that's also a very simplified version.
Coach Alex Ray: If you want to know more about the difference between the two, feel free to Google it, but for today's purposes, that's perfect.
Coach Alex Ray: Okay, so Anxiety attack I was having an anxiety attack at this party and I was experiencing a burning sensation in my chest and the roller coaster drop sensation in my stomach and it was fucking terrible and it wasn't just lasting a few minutes.
Coach Alex Ray: It was lasting in, coming and going in waves, but always being present for over three hours, and I just wanted to run away from everything and everyone and my brain went on this Wild journey, just imagining what if I just left everyone and everything behind.
Coach Alex Ray: I moved to another country and I changed my name.
Coach Alex Ray: It was like, wow, that's, it's pretty traumatic.
Coach Alex Ray: Girl, I Know that what I'm experiencing right now is temporary and I do genuinely enjoy my life, I enjoy my work, I enjoy my friends.
Coach Alex Ray: I do not want to Run away and avoid everyone and everything, but it wasn't pretty fun fantasy in the moment.
Coach Alex Ray: I'll tell you what like it did bring a little bit of relief, but ultimately it didn't really fix anything.
Coach Alex Ray: Here's what did fix it, though I Finally opened up and talked with someone and admitted that I did not feel like I've got this, and it was literally as simple as Talking with my boyfriend.
Coach Alex Ray: I kind of pulled him aside and I was like, hey, I've been struggling and this isn't reason I've been struggling.
Coach Alex Ray: For months now I have been feeling all this pressure to keep it together and to fake it and, to you know, act as if I've got it together and like I'm going to and like I don't have fear or doubt.
Coach Alex Ray: And the truth is I Don't feel like I've got this.
Coach Alex Ray: I Don't feel like I can handle all this.
Coach Alex Ray: I feel very afraid and I Just needed to admit it to you and I need some help.
Coach Alex Ray: And the funny thing was, before he even said anything at all, I just felt this huge sense of relief Because the secret was out.
Coach Alex Ray: It's kind of like when you come out where you've been holding this in, or some of you haven't come out yet, but you've got some relief to look forward to.
Coach Alex Ray: Let me tell you what.
Coach Alex Ray: When you come out, many of you know that you feel this big sense of relief because the secret that you've been holding in that's crushing you, that you've been trying so hard to keep a secret.
Coach Alex Ray: Whether or not you actually were successful doesn't really matter.
Coach Alex Ray: People may have figured it out, but unless you have admitted it, you live in constant fear of being found out.
Coach Alex Ray: And when you do share it, there's instant relief, no matter how they react, even if it's horrible.
Coach Alex Ray: At least you don't have to keep this thing anymore.
Coach Alex Ray: And that was the same sensation that I experienced immediately after just admitting to him I don't feel like I've got this.
Coach Alex Ray: Then we had a conversation about how we can each support each other better.
Coach Alex Ray: It was nice for me I enjoy supporting people so it was nice for me to hear some ways that I could also support him more, and those were ways that are easy for me, that I can happily and easily jump into, and I admitted the things in which I don't feel like I've got it and the ways in which I would really appreciate having some help or assistance from him, because these are things to really challenging for me and really difficult for me and cause a lot of stress and effort on my part, and they come easily and naturally to him.
Coach Alex Ray: And that's it.
Coach Alex Ray: That's how that conversation went.
Coach Alex Ray: It wasn't a big deal.
Coach Alex Ray: I had built it up in my head like, oh, I have to run away and not have this conversation so wild how our brains can take us down those crazy exaggerated solutions, right?
Coach Alex Ray: So the lesson in that for me, and what I want to share with you today, is that while the message of I've got this is tempting, it is not stable.
Coach Alex Ray: If you believe and force yourself to act in every scenario as if I've got this on my own, I've got this, then that means that anything you're weak in, boom, instant, ko, you've got nothing to fall back on, and anything that you're strong at, great, you've got it.
Coach Alex Ray: It leaves a very small amount of scenarios, situations in life that you can navigate, because when you're doing it on your own, you don't have any backup, you don't have any stability.
Coach Alex Ray: Think about a table with one leg.
Coach Alex Ray: It's balanced if that, if that leg is like really thick, okay, and maybe you do think of yourself as as that thick leg.
Coach Alex Ray: That's got a lot.
Coach Alex Ray: You have a lot together.
Coach Alex Ray: You've got it in a lot of areas.
Coach Alex Ray: So you've got like one big thick leg for that table.
Coach Alex Ray: But it's still just one leg for the table and so, while it may be balanced for a while, if some shaking comes along, along comes an earthquake, along comes like a heavy object placed on the edge of the table.
Coach Alex Ray: The table can tip over.
Coach Alex Ray: If you've got three legs to the table, for example, that's extremely stable.
Coach Alex Ray: And so the same thing happens with us in life and our, our relationships, our connections I'm not just using relationships in a romantic way, I mean your friends, your coach, anyone who is there to support you and yourself.
Coach Alex Ray: All of all of these are different legs of support, and the more legs of support that you have, the more stable you can be.
Coach Alex Ray: So lean into the concept not of I've got this, but of we've got this with your partners, your coach, your friends, your therapist, your family, whoever is there to support you.
Coach Alex Ray: There's such sweet relief in being honest and human and admitting that you don't feel like you've got this.
Coach Alex Ray: You don't feel like you can handle the weight of the world on your own.
Coach Alex Ray: The truth is, no one can and you don't need to.
Coach Alex Ray: So I want to explain a little bit around dependency versus codependency, versus independency versus interdependency Now, because these terms are really what we're talking about here when we are shifting from I've got this to we've got this.
Coach Alex Ray: So a quick definition of dependency.
Coach Alex Ray: Dependency refers to a state in which one person or entity relies on another for support, resources or assistance.
Coach Alex Ray: It often implies a one-sided, unbalanced relationship where one party is more reliant on the other.
Coach Alex Ray: That's dependency, okay.
Coach Alex Ray: Codependency, on the other hand, is a dysfunctional relationship pattern where two individuals or two parties become overly emotionally reliant on each other.
Coach Alex Ray: It often involves enabling or supporting destructive behaviors in one another.
Coach Alex Ray: All right, so neither one of these is healthy.
Coach Alex Ray: But there's some nuances here.
Coach Alex Ray: For example, dependency right, that's not like it's an evil thing.
Coach Alex Ray: A child is dependent on their parents for food, shelter and care Okay, so a child being dependent on a parent is normal and good and healthy.
Coach Alex Ray: A person being reliant I'm sorry, not reliant being dependent on their romantic partner for just, let's say, their life purpose Okay, their partner is their only sense of purpose for their life.
Coach Alex Ray: That's how I felt back in 2017, pretty suicide attempt, not healthy.
Coach Alex Ray: Not healthy, because as soon as that person is no longer there, it's like sweeping that leg out from under the table.
Coach Alex Ray: Now you simply fall over, All right.
Coach Alex Ray: So we've got dependency.
Coach Alex Ray: We've got codependency that unhealthy relationship where both parties are doing that kind of dependent thing in a way that enables and encourages unhealthy behavior patterns.
Coach Alex Ray: And then, on the other hand, the complete opposite side.
Coach Alex Ray: We've got independence.
Coach Alex Ray: Independence is a state where an individual can meet their own needs, make decisions and take care of themselves without relying at all on others, and it can also imply self-sufficiency in a positive way.
Coach Alex Ray: Okay.
Coach Alex Ray: So independency, though often in our modern culture is the exaggerated form where you are totally independent from others.
Coach Alex Ray: You are totally self-reliant and you don't have the ability to rely on others for support or care, and this is where interdependence comes in.
Coach Alex Ray: So if you haven't heard of interdependence before, quick definition of interdependence is it's a healthy and balanced form of relating to others.
Coach Alex Ray: It involves mutual reliance and cooperation where individuals support each other while maintaining their own independence.
Coach Alex Ray: So, for example, in healthy romantic relationships, partners rely on each other emotionally for support and they also maintain their individual identities and their self-sufficiencies.
Coach Alex Ray: They're not fully independent.
Coach Alex Ray: I've got this and they're not fully dependent.
Coach Alex Ray: You've got to take care of this for me, or codependent.
Coach Alex Ray: You've got to take care of this for me and I've got to take care of that for you, because you can't do it without me.
Coach Alex Ray: Dependency and independency both are like the all or nothing black and white versions.
Coach Alex Ray: Right, you're either all in with being too dependent or all out on your own being too independent.
Coach Alex Ray: And so we want to really start leaning into that concept of interdependence where you have a healthy balance of relying on others and maintaining your own self-identity.
Coach Alex Ray: And so, going back to that mantra of we've got this, we is empowered, it's not alone, it's honest, it recognizes your limits and appreciates other strengths that make them good at being a support system for you.
Coach Alex Ray: Partner at different times with different people for different purposes.
Coach Alex Ray: Lean into your friends, your family, your coach, your therapist, a stranger in the subway, a customer service agent, any human you interact with.
Coach Alex Ray: Collaborate, be a support to others.
Coach Alex Ray: Allow others to support you.
Coach Alex Ray: Collaborating requires those steps of confidence.
Coach Alex Ray: Interdependence is a confident practice.
Coach Alex Ray: Remember the three steps.
Coach Alex Ray: One allow yourself to be uncomfortable, and for a lot of you, interdependence, collaborating with others.
Coach Alex Ray: It is difficult, it's very uncomfortable, and so you're gonna have to stretch yourself and challenge yourself to lean into it.
Coach Alex Ray: Take action, open up, have these conversations.
Coach Alex Ray: When you don't feel like you've got this, let someone know.
Coach Alex Ray: Don't keep doing it on your own.
Coach Alex Ray: Don't run away and change your name and quit everything like I wanted to in that moment of panic and fear, and finally have your own back.
Coach Alex Ray: It's gonna feel uncomfortable, it's gonna feel weird, it's gonna feel different and the temptation is going to be to kind of beat yourself up about it.
Coach Alex Ray: Either beating yourself up about why didn't you collaborate with other people sooner and lean into this interdependent framework, or you're gonna be beating yourself up about it being wrong.
Coach Alex Ray: Or you're too much, or you're too heavy or too much of a burden for other people.
Coach Alex Ray: We've got to acknowledge those stories in your head.
Coach Alex Ray: Send them a hug, a kiss, a love note.
Coach Alex Ray: Let them know we appreciate them.
Coach Alex Ray: They are here for a reason.
Coach Alex Ray: They are here because of your past experiences.
Coach Alex Ray: But you no longer need to live that way.
Coach Alex Ray: You are now open to being supported by others and going through this life more collaboratively.
Coach Alex Ray: We've got this unicorn.
Coach Alex Ray: See you next Tuesday.