WEBVTT 00:00:25.429 --> 00:00:27.315 Hello, my unicorns. 00:00:27.315 --> 00:00:38.570 Today we're gonna have a little chit chat about authenticity and, let's be honest, authenticity is not something that I really have to convince anyone of that it matters or it's important. 00:00:38.570 --> 00:00:45.715 I think we're all on the same page here that being authentic is important, but it's really fucking hard. 00:00:45.715 --> 00:01:01.456 It's so much easier than done, and I've struggled with being authentic my whole life really, and the example I want to share with you today comes from, well, just a week ago, so not even a week ago when this is published. 00:01:01.456 --> 00:01:16.774 I've struggled with authenticity in my life, not just about coming out as gay, but also really struggled with my gender and coming to understand my gender identity. 00:01:16.774 --> 00:01:28.753 I really like the labels of gender nonconforming and gender queer now, and these are things that I've struggled with since I was a little kid, but like really didn't know or understand or have the language for it. 00:01:31.037 --> 00:01:49.231 When I was a kid, the most significant memory I have of this is being about eight-ish years old, I think, and there was a family at our church who was hosting a barbecue at their house, and any of y'all who grew up in the church, y'all know how barbecue is important. 00:01:49.231 --> 00:01:59.661 Well, maybe this is also an east coast or southern kind of thing, I'm not really sure, but anyway, it's a big to do. 00:01:59.661 --> 00:02:03.612 When the church, you know, a family is having a barbecue, everyone comes over. 00:02:03.612 --> 00:02:06.040 It's a big fucking event, okay. 00:02:06.040 --> 00:02:13.259 So picture this I'm eight years old, they're hosting a barbecue, the family only has daughters, okay. 00:02:13.259 --> 00:02:19.335 And so I'm hanging out in the basement, me, the daughters, all the other kids were hanging out. 00:02:19.335 --> 00:02:22.341 We decided to do dress up, and I love dress up. 00:02:22.341 --> 00:02:24.092 Clearly, y'all know I love dress up. 00:02:24.092 --> 00:02:34.906 Now, as an adult, I was obsessed with it as a kid too, and I was so delighted to get to put on the Princess Jasmine dress. 00:02:34.906 --> 00:02:36.610 You know, princess Jasmine from Aladdin. 00:02:36.610 --> 00:02:59.498 Yeah, I looked fabulous, I felt fabulous, I was enjoying it, and I remember my dad called me up from the basement to introduce me to a new adult at the church and when I came up the stairs, my dad said this is my son, daughter Alex. 00:02:59.498 --> 00:03:07.318 Now, he thought that was an innocent joke at the time and I know that he didn't mean for it to have the impact that it had. 00:03:07.318 --> 00:03:11.574 We've spoken about this since as an adult now, and we've resolved this. 00:03:11.574 --> 00:03:15.683 I have a great relationship with both of my parents now. 00:03:16.371 --> 00:03:21.628 However, what a shit thing to say, and if you're a parent, don't say that shit to your kids. 00:03:21.628 --> 00:03:23.417 Don't say that shit in front of your kids. 00:03:23.417 --> 00:03:25.706 Don't even like, don't even say that shit. 00:03:25.706 --> 00:03:30.618 It just, it's really, it's so judgmental. 00:03:30.618 --> 00:03:48.349 And what I picked up on in that moment was oh my gosh, my dad is embarrassed of me, and so that really gave me an early childhood experience of someone being embarrassed. 00:03:50.015 --> 00:04:00.680 A lot of us struggle with authenticity because we fear being rejected or embarrassed or embarrassing others, and I can feel all of those. 00:04:00.680 --> 00:04:02.283 In that memory. 00:04:02.283 --> 00:04:05.028 I felt rejected by my dad. 00:04:05.028 --> 00:04:08.323 I felt embarrassed, like I had done something wrong. 00:04:08.323 --> 00:04:11.716 It was my fault for putting on this dress that I was feeling fabulous in. 00:04:11.716 --> 00:04:21.500 But you know, this guy that my dad was talking to, my dad was like embarrassed, was like embarrassed of me and introducing me. 00:04:21.500 --> 00:04:23.896 So I didn't. 00:04:23.896 --> 00:04:25.100 That was painful too. 00:04:25.100 --> 00:04:27.598 I didn't want to embarrass someone that I cared about. 00:04:27.598 --> 00:04:29.015 I didn't want to embarrass my dad. 00:04:31.990 --> 00:04:59.254 This experience we all have, experiences of being authentic and being rejected, and it shapes our perception of who we should be and how we should show up in the world, and it shaped my perspective of wearing clothes that I just delight in and presenting in a way that I delight in. 00:04:59.254 --> 00:05:02.459 I didn't want to do anything for the longest time. 00:05:02.459 --> 00:05:07.196 That could be perceived as girly, like I didn't want to paint my nails. 00:05:07.196 --> 00:05:11.939 I didn't want well, I mean, I did want to, but I didn't allow myself to paint my nails. 00:05:11.939 --> 00:05:14.959 I didn't allow myself to wear dresses. 00:05:14.959 --> 00:05:18.055 I didn't allow myself to wear anything that was glitzy and glammy. 00:05:18.055 --> 00:05:19.555 I didn't allow myself to wear makeup. 00:05:19.555 --> 00:05:26.639 I was afraid if it didn't have some kind of explanation to it then I would be embarrassed. 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:30.115 I would embarrass others, I'd be rejected by others. 00:05:30.870 --> 00:05:33.959 So Halloween was a great time for me to play and experiment. 00:05:33.959 --> 00:05:49.254 I also remember when I did my first drag show, I had a big excuse that it was for charity and that allowed me to kind of play around with wearing heels and makeup and these clothes that were sparkly and fine and that I delighted in. 00:05:49.254 --> 00:05:52.358 But it kind of felt distant. 00:05:52.358 --> 00:05:56.160 I was able to excuse it, as you know. 00:05:56.160 --> 00:05:58.774 Oh, this isn't really me, this is a character. 00:05:58.774 --> 00:06:03.098 The truth is I enjoy it. 00:06:03.098 --> 00:06:04.521 And guess what? 00:06:04.521 --> 00:06:08.639 Nothing terrible happened. 00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:11.194 The world didn't implode. 00:06:11.194 --> 00:06:15.339 I didn't suddenly like lose my identity. 00:06:15.339 --> 00:06:18.879 Actually, I gained an understanding of myself. 00:06:18.879 --> 00:06:20.495 I gained identity. 00:06:20.495 --> 00:06:32.100 I felt so much more comfortable, so much more empowered, so much more delighted and excited by just presenting in a way that was authentic. 00:06:32.100 --> 00:06:40.495 So if you are working on being more authentic, I've got some advice for you. 00:06:40.709 --> 00:06:47.259 But first I wanna tell you about how I was able to realize this showing up for me recently. 00:06:47.259 --> 00:06:50.377 So I had again. 00:06:50.377 --> 00:07:11.115 I had a workshop less than a week ago, but I guess about a week ago by the time that you're hearing this, and the workshop, ironically, was on authenticity and I got coached just a couple hours prior to the event. 00:07:11.115 --> 00:07:21.274 And I'm so glad that I had that opportunity to talk this through with a coach, because I was kind of nervous and feeling uncomfortable for the event and I wasn't really sure why. 00:07:21.274 --> 00:07:28.459 And in that coaching conversation she helped me realize that it was related to that memory. 00:07:29.509 --> 00:08:19.987 My fear of authenticity was showing up there whenever, actually, I'm doing anything that delights me, whether it's dating, whether it's a workshop, whether it's dressing up, whether it's coaching in a way that feels really authentic and we're exploring gender and sexuality, oh my God, every time I'm doing things that delight me, I frequently I said every, and then frequently whatever, I would say frequently slash most of the time when I'm doing something that really delights me and lights me up, when it feels really authentic and free and empowering, I get scared, I get uncomfortable, I feel uneasy, I feel like something is wrong. 00:08:19.987 --> 00:08:26.288 And it wasn't until this coaching conversation last week that I discovered with her. 00:08:26.288 --> 00:08:29.485 Oh my gosh, it's all related to that memory. 00:08:29.485 --> 00:08:43.687 I'm afraid that if I'm too authentic then I will harm others or others will be embarrassed by me, and I don't wanna do that and I'm scared that they'll reject me. 00:08:43.687 --> 00:08:44.850 If I'm too authentic. 00:08:46.299 --> 00:09:06.045 Doing a workshop on authenticity, dressed as authentically and fabulous, in my purple fuzzy coat, jacket thing, with beautiful purple eyeshadow and some gorgeous highlight on my face, that was like oh, this is too authentic, am I really allowed to do this? 00:09:06.045 --> 00:09:15.649 It's scary as everyone going to reject me. 00:09:15.649 --> 00:09:32.427 So what I came to the conclusion in that coaching session was that doing this workshop was actually an experience or an opportunity, rather, to relive that experience. 00:09:32.427 --> 00:09:44.785 This workshop at any other time I'm doing something that delights me and feels super authentic is actually an opportunity to relive that memory and rewrite that memory. 00:09:44.785 --> 00:09:54.204 It's an opportunity to wear the dress, come up the stairs and this time everyone's celebrating with me, including my dad. 00:09:54.204 --> 00:10:02.305 Now, obviously I'm speaking metaphorically, otherwise I would love to have a time travel machine that we could actually go back and do this, but we don't. 00:10:04.439 --> 00:10:21.167 This concept, this idea of reliving the memory and rewriting the memory, gave me permission to be imperfect, because if everyone's gonna be celebrating with me at the top of the stairs, then I don't have to be the perfectionist I usually force myself to be. 00:10:21.167 --> 00:10:24.305 I don't have to clench my butthole in order to keep myself perfect. 00:10:24.305 --> 00:10:29.666 I don't have to flinch ahead of time out of fear of what they're gonna say. 00:10:29.666 --> 00:10:32.540 I could just decide. 00:10:32.540 --> 00:10:36.162 People at the top of the stairs are waiting to cheer me on. 00:10:36.162 --> 00:10:47.551 They're here to celebrate with me and I know that that is, at some level, delusional, but that's the delusion. 00:10:47.551 --> 00:10:53.429 I want to choose intentionally and I want to take this opportunity. 00:10:53.489 --> 00:10:57.397 For many of you, that is an unreasonable expectation at this point. 00:10:57.397 --> 00:11:08.653 I Understand that and I see you and I hear you and I don't know that I would have been ready to just embrace that as well as I did last week. 00:11:08.653 --> 00:11:15.557 It like If we rewound a few years, I would not be that quick to embrace that. 00:11:15.557 --> 00:11:28.904 It's because of this work that I do on my confidence, the same work that I lead my clients through, that I'm able to take that and and use that mindset so quickly. 00:11:28.904 --> 00:11:32.634 It wasn't a big leap for me, so it's okay. 00:11:32.634 --> 00:11:37.548 If you're not ready to take that leap of, oh, I can just rewrite their memory right, that's just sound so fabulous. 00:11:37.548 --> 00:11:42.048 On fun, you're like, fuck you, alex, that's unrelatable. 00:11:42.048 --> 00:11:43.430 I can't do that. 00:11:43.430 --> 00:11:43.671 Yet. 00:11:43.671 --> 00:11:46.117 It's okay and I understand. 00:11:47.585 --> 00:11:49.790 Could you use the second part that worked for me? 00:11:49.790 --> 00:11:56.533 Instead of trying to get rid of that fear, could you have compassion for that fear? 00:11:56.533 --> 00:12:03.959 Could you Step back and understand what it is you're afraid of, about being authentic? 00:12:03.959 --> 00:12:06.987 Do you have an old memory that's popping up? 00:12:06.987 --> 00:12:10.333 Do you have an experience that's informed your fear? 00:12:10.333 --> 00:12:20.603 Is there cultural norms, expectations, ideas that you have taken in over your lifetime that are keeping you afraid? 00:12:20.603 --> 00:12:27.111 And Can that fear, instead of you needing to get rid of it, could you make it like your little sidekick? 00:12:27.111 --> 00:12:37.466 It doesn't have to be wonderful, it can be a little ugly, okay, but like kind of cute, kind of kind of cute ugly, okay. 00:12:39.366 --> 00:12:43.445 The Workshop that I did ended up being Fantastic. 00:12:43.445 --> 00:13:08.476 I loved it and I wasn't worried, or maybe, if I did, I did have it like a few little worries and here and there afterwards, but I would say it was the least worried, the least anxious I've ever been about any workshop, and I wasn't flooded with thoughts of, oh my god, am I Like embarrassing, is something wrong with me and how I present. 00:13:08.476 --> 00:13:13.094 So how to apply this to yourself again? 00:13:13.094 --> 00:13:16.344 You don't have to use the same extreme. 00:13:16.344 --> 00:13:23.847 You may not be able to go to the extreme that I was able to go to, and that's only because I've had years of practicing this. 00:13:24.926 --> 00:13:26.191 Use the confident queer method. 00:13:26.191 --> 00:13:30.956 Remember one be willing to be uncomfortable. 00:13:30.956 --> 00:13:40.275 That's going to be your best tool here, because the more you avoid being uncomfortable, the more you push against it, the stronger it's going to be. 00:13:40.275 --> 00:13:43.184 So start with being willing to be uncomfortable. 00:13:43.184 --> 00:13:50.278 Embrace that fear or discomfort or worry that you have about being authentic. 00:13:50.278 --> 00:14:05.037 Ask yourself what is the bad thing that might happen if you are authentic, and ask yourself do you have any early memories of negative consequences from being authentic? 00:14:05.037 --> 00:14:13.715 This will help influence your understanding of why it is you feel the way that you feel and exactly what do you feel. 00:14:13.715 --> 00:14:14.837 How do you feel? 00:14:15.864 --> 00:14:23.443 Remember that you can use new situations as opportunities to rewrite the story. 00:14:23.443 --> 00:14:28.053 And how do you feel about the fear now? 00:14:28.053 --> 00:14:30.579 It doesn't have to leave. 00:14:30.579 --> 00:14:34.440 You can let that fear be your little sidekick, remember? 00:14:34.440 --> 00:14:36.801 I like to think about it like an ugly doll. 00:14:36.801 --> 00:14:38.220 Do you remember those things? 00:14:38.220 --> 00:14:47.201 I think they were big in the late 2000s, maybe 2010s, I don't know. 00:14:47.201 --> 00:14:51.559 But the ugly doll if you don't know what I'm talking about, just Google ugly doll. 00:14:51.559 --> 00:14:55.177 They're so ugly, but they're like, so ugly, they're kind of cute. 00:14:55.177 --> 00:14:55.740 You know what I mean? 00:14:55.740 --> 00:15:01.587 That can be the fear, the anxious. 00:15:01.587 --> 00:15:06.703 What if story that you have on the side can become your little sidekick. 00:15:06.703 --> 00:15:08.119 It doesn't have to go away. 00:15:08.119 --> 00:15:12.597 It can just be kind of like ugly and kind of like barking and biting at your ankles. 00:15:12.597 --> 00:15:15.979 Whatever, it's so ugly, it's cute. 00:15:16.515 --> 00:15:21.079 This is so much easier to think about than it is to practice. 00:15:21.079 --> 00:15:29.863 That's why accountability is so, so, so important, which is one of the most helpful things about coaching. 00:15:29.863 --> 00:15:40.724 Plus, when we work together, I'll help you with more customized tools to address your fears and discomfort and I'll help guide you to the root cause. 00:15:40.724 --> 00:15:46.239 Again, I wouldn't have been able to find this on my own, so please don't be embarrassed if you can't find it on your own. 00:15:46.239 --> 00:16:01.284 It's so helpful to have a guide with you who's able to ask you questions and investigate this with you and create a space where you feel safe to actually do that, and we can even practice these things in session. 00:16:01.284 --> 00:16:18.084 I have a trans client who is practicing changing their voice with me in our sessions, and I've got multiple clients who practice dressing different with me in session so they can practice showing up as their authentic selves. 00:16:18.084 --> 00:16:26.337 So if you'd like this kind of support to become more authentic, come work with me and, for the rest of you, I'll see you next Tuesday.