Coach Alex Ray: Hello, my unicorns.
Coach Alex Ray: Today we're gonna have a little chit chat about authenticity and, let's be honest, authenticity is not something that I really have to convince anyone of that it matters or it's important.
Coach Alex Ray: I think we're all on the same page here that being authentic is important, but it's really fucking hard.
Coach Alex Ray: It's so much easier than done, and I've struggled with being authentic my whole life really, and the example I want to share with you today comes from, well, just a week ago, so not even a week ago when this is published.
Coach Alex Ray: I've struggled with authenticity in my life, not just about coming out as gay, but also really struggled with my gender and coming to understand my gender identity.
Coach Alex Ray: I really like the labels of gender nonconforming and gender queer now, and these are things that I've struggled with since I was a little kid, but like really didn't know or understand or have the language for it.
Coach Alex Ray: When I was a kid, the most significant memory I have of this is being about eight-ish years old, I think, and there was a family at our church who was hosting a barbecue at their house, and any of y'all who grew up in the church, y'all know how barbecue is important.
Coach Alex Ray: Well, maybe this is also an east coast or southern kind of thing, I'm not really sure, but anyway, it's a big to do.
Coach Alex Ray: When the church, you know, a family is having a barbecue, everyone comes over.
Coach Alex Ray: It's a big fucking event, okay.
Coach Alex Ray: So picture this I'm eight years old, they're hosting a barbecue, the family only has daughters, okay.
Coach Alex Ray: And so I'm hanging out in the basement, me, the daughters, all the other kids were hanging out.
Coach Alex Ray: We decided to do dress up, and I love dress up.
Coach Alex Ray: Clearly, y'all know I love dress up.
Coach Alex Ray: Now, as an adult, I was obsessed with it as a kid too, and I was so delighted to get to put on the Princess Jasmine dress.
Coach Alex Ray: You know, princess Jasmine from Aladdin.
Coach Alex Ray: Yeah, I looked fabulous, I felt fabulous, I was enjoying it, and I remember my dad called me up from the basement to introduce me to a new adult at the church and when I came up the stairs, my dad said this is my son, daughter Alex.
Coach Alex Ray: Now, he thought that was an innocent joke at the time and I know that he didn't mean for it to have the impact that it had.
Coach Alex Ray: We've spoken about this since as an adult now, and we've resolved this.
Coach Alex Ray: I have a great relationship with both of my parents now.
Coach Alex Ray: However, what a shit thing to say, and if you're a parent, don't say that shit to your kids.
Coach Alex Ray: Don't say that shit in front of your kids.
Coach Alex Ray: Don't even like, don't even say that shit.
Coach Alex Ray: It just, it's really, it's so judgmental.
Coach Alex Ray: And what I picked up on in that moment was oh my gosh, my dad is embarrassed of me, and so that really gave me an early childhood experience of someone being embarrassed.
Coach Alex Ray: A lot of us struggle with authenticity because we fear being rejected or embarrassed or embarrassing others, and I can feel all of those.
Coach Alex Ray: In that memory.
Coach Alex Ray: I felt rejected by my dad.
Coach Alex Ray: I felt embarrassed, like I had done something wrong.
Coach Alex Ray: It was my fault for putting on this dress that I was feeling fabulous in.
Coach Alex Ray: But you know, this guy that my dad was talking to, my dad was like embarrassed, was like embarrassed of me and introducing me.
Coach Alex Ray: So I didn't.
Coach Alex Ray: That was painful too.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't want to embarrass someone that I cared about.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't want to embarrass my dad.
Coach Alex Ray: This experience we all have, experiences of being authentic and being rejected, and it shapes our perception of who we should be and how we should show up in the world, and it shaped my perspective of wearing clothes that I just delight in and presenting in a way that I delight in.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't want to do anything for the longest time.
Coach Alex Ray: That could be perceived as girly, like I didn't want to paint my nails.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't want well, I mean, I did want to, but I didn't allow myself to paint my nails.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't allow myself to wear dresses.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't allow myself to wear anything that was glitzy and glammy.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't allow myself to wear makeup.
Coach Alex Ray: I was afraid if it didn't have some kind of explanation to it then I would be embarrassed.
Coach Alex Ray: I would embarrass others, I'd be rejected by others.
Coach Alex Ray: So Halloween was a great time for me to play and experiment.
Coach Alex Ray: I also remember when I did my first drag show, I had a big excuse that it was for charity and that allowed me to kind of play around with wearing heels and makeup and these clothes that were sparkly and fine and that I delighted in.
Coach Alex Ray: But it kind of felt distant.
Coach Alex Ray: I was able to excuse it, as you know.
Coach Alex Ray: Oh, this isn't really me, this is a character.
Coach Alex Ray: The truth is I enjoy it.
Coach Alex Ray: And guess what?
Coach Alex Ray: Nothing terrible happened.
Coach Alex Ray: The world didn't implode.
Coach Alex Ray: I didn't suddenly like lose my identity.
Coach Alex Ray: Actually, I gained an understanding of myself.
Coach Alex Ray: I gained identity.
Coach Alex Ray: I felt so much more comfortable, so much more empowered, so much more delighted and excited by just presenting in a way that was authentic.
Coach Alex Ray: So if you are working on being more authentic, I've got some advice for you.
Coach Alex Ray: But first I wanna tell you about how I was able to realize this showing up for me recently.
Coach Alex Ray: So I had again.
Coach Alex Ray: I had a workshop less than a week ago, but I guess about a week ago by the time that you're hearing this, and the workshop, ironically, was on authenticity and I got coached just a couple hours prior to the event.
Coach Alex Ray: And I'm so glad that I had that opportunity to talk this through with a coach, because I was kind of nervous and feeling uncomfortable for the event and I wasn't really sure why.
Coach Alex Ray: And in that coaching conversation she helped me realize that it was related to that memory.
Coach Alex Ray: My fear of authenticity was showing up there whenever, actually, I'm doing anything that delights me, whether it's dating, whether it's a workshop, whether it's dressing up, whether it's coaching in a way that feels really authentic and we're exploring gender and sexuality, oh my God, every time I'm doing things that delight me, I frequently I said every, and then frequently whatever, I would say frequently slash most of the time when I'm doing something that really delights me and lights me up, when it feels really authentic and free and empowering, I get scared, I get uncomfortable, I feel uneasy, I feel like something is wrong.
Coach Alex Ray: And it wasn't until this coaching conversation last week that I discovered with her.
Coach Alex Ray: Oh my gosh, it's all related to that memory.
Coach Alex Ray: I'm afraid that if I'm too authentic then I will harm others or others will be embarrassed by me, and I don't wanna do that and I'm scared that they'll reject me.
Coach Alex Ray: If I'm too authentic.
Coach Alex Ray: Doing a workshop on authenticity, dressed as authentically and fabulous, in my purple fuzzy coat, jacket thing, with beautiful purple eyeshadow and some gorgeous highlight on my face, that was like oh, this is too authentic, am I really allowed to do this?
Coach Alex Ray: It's scary as everyone going to reject me.
Coach Alex Ray: So what I came to the conclusion in that coaching session was that doing this workshop was actually an experience or an opportunity, rather, to relive that experience.
Coach Alex Ray: This workshop at any other time I'm doing something that delights me and feels super authentic is actually an opportunity to relive that memory and rewrite that memory.
Coach Alex Ray: It's an opportunity to wear the dress, come up the stairs and this time everyone's celebrating with me, including my dad.
Coach Alex Ray: Now, obviously I'm speaking metaphorically, otherwise I would love to have a time travel machine that we could actually go back and do this, but we don't.
Coach Alex Ray: This concept, this idea of reliving the memory and rewriting the memory, gave me permission to be imperfect, because if everyone's gonna be celebrating with me at the top of the stairs, then I don't have to be the perfectionist I usually force myself to be.
Coach Alex Ray: I don't have to clench my butthole in order to keep myself perfect.
Coach Alex Ray: I don't have to flinch ahead of time out of fear of what they're gonna say.
Coach Alex Ray: I could just decide.
Coach Alex Ray: People at the top of the stairs are waiting to cheer me on.
Coach Alex Ray: They're here to celebrate with me and I know that that is, at some level, delusional, but that's the delusion.
Coach Alex Ray: I want to choose intentionally and I want to take this opportunity.
Coach Alex Ray: For many of you, that is an unreasonable expectation at this point.
Coach Alex Ray: I Understand that and I see you and I hear you and I don't know that I would have been ready to just embrace that as well as I did last week.
Coach Alex Ray: It like If we rewound a few years, I would not be that quick to embrace that.
Coach Alex Ray: It's because of this work that I do on my confidence, the same work that I lead my clients through, that I'm able to take that and and use that mindset so quickly.
Coach Alex Ray: It wasn't a big leap for me, so it's okay.
Coach Alex Ray: If you're not ready to take that leap of, oh, I can just rewrite their memory right, that's just sound so fabulous.
Coach Alex Ray: On fun, you're like, fuck you, alex, that's unrelatable.
Coach Alex Ray: I can't do that.
Coach Alex Ray: Yet.
Coach Alex Ray: It's okay and I understand.
Coach Alex Ray: Could you use the second part that worked for me?
Coach Alex Ray: Instead of trying to get rid of that fear, could you have compassion for that fear?
Coach Alex Ray: Could you Step back and understand what it is you're afraid of, about being authentic?
Coach Alex Ray: Do you have an old memory that's popping up?
Coach Alex Ray: Do you have an experience that's informed your fear?
Coach Alex Ray: Is there cultural norms, expectations, ideas that you have taken in over your lifetime that are keeping you afraid?
Coach Alex Ray: And Can that fear, instead of you needing to get rid of it, could you make it like your little sidekick?
Coach Alex Ray: It doesn't have to be wonderful, it can be a little ugly, okay, but like kind of cute, kind of kind of cute ugly, okay.
Coach Alex Ray: The Workshop that I did ended up being Fantastic.
Coach Alex Ray: I loved it and I wasn't worried, or maybe, if I did, I did have it like a few little worries and here and there afterwards, but I would say it was the least worried, the least anxious I've ever been about any workshop, and I wasn't flooded with thoughts of, oh my god, am I Like embarrassing, is something wrong with me and how I present.
Coach Alex Ray: So how to apply this to yourself again?
Coach Alex Ray: You don't have to use the same extreme.
Coach Alex Ray: You may not be able to go to the extreme that I was able to go to, and that's only because I've had years of practicing this.
Coach Alex Ray: Use the confident queer method.
Coach Alex Ray: Remember one be willing to be uncomfortable.
Coach Alex Ray: That's going to be your best tool here, because the more you avoid being uncomfortable, the more you push against it, the stronger it's going to be.
Coach Alex Ray: So start with being willing to be uncomfortable.
Coach Alex Ray: Embrace that fear or discomfort or worry that you have about being authentic.
Coach Alex Ray: Ask yourself what is the bad thing that might happen if you are authentic, and ask yourself do you have any early memories of negative consequences from being authentic?
Coach Alex Ray: This will help influence your understanding of why it is you feel the way that you feel and exactly what do you feel.
Coach Alex Ray: How do you feel?
Coach Alex Ray: Remember that you can use new situations as opportunities to rewrite the story.
Coach Alex Ray: And how do you feel about the fear now?
Coach Alex Ray: It doesn't have to leave.
Coach Alex Ray: You can let that fear be your little sidekick, remember?
Coach Alex Ray: I like to think about it like an ugly doll.
Coach Alex Ray: Do you remember those things?
Coach Alex Ray: I think they were big in the late 2000s, maybe 2010s, I don't know.
Coach Alex Ray: But the ugly doll if you don't know what I'm talking about, just Google ugly doll.
Coach Alex Ray: They're so ugly, but they're like, so ugly, they're kind of cute.
Coach Alex Ray: You know what I mean?
Coach Alex Ray: That can be the fear, the anxious.
Coach Alex Ray: What if story that you have on the side can become your little sidekick.
Coach Alex Ray: It doesn't have to go away.
Coach Alex Ray: It can just be kind of like ugly and kind of like barking and biting at your ankles.
Coach Alex Ray: Whatever, it's so ugly, it's cute.
Coach Alex Ray: This is so much easier to think about than it is to practice.
Coach Alex Ray: That's why accountability is so, so, so important, which is one of the most helpful things about coaching.
Coach Alex Ray: Plus, when we work together, I'll help you with more customized tools to address your fears and discomfort and I'll help guide you to the root cause.
Coach Alex Ray: Again, I wouldn't have been able to find this on my own, so please don't be embarrassed if you can't find it on your own.
Coach Alex Ray: It's so helpful to have a guide with you who's able to ask you questions and investigate this with you and create a space where you feel safe to actually do that, and we can even practice these things in session.
Coach Alex Ray: I have a trans client who is practicing changing their voice with me in our sessions, and I've got multiple clients who practice dressing different with me in session so they can practice showing up as their authentic selves.
Coach Alex Ray: So if you'd like this kind of support to become more authentic, come work with me and, for the rest of you, I'll see you next Tuesday.