Coach Alex Ray: Hello, my unicorns, welcome back.
Coach Alex Ray: In today's episode we're going to talk about dropping the armor and embracing your authentic self, and we're going to start right off by giving you a real world example.
Coach Alex Ray: This is my like fifth time hidden record for this podcast episode.
Coach Alex Ray: I've tried to record it a few times each time and that I do it.
Coach Alex Ray: It's just like messy and sloppy and I keep stumbling.
Coach Alex Ray: Oh, and now I get a phone call.
Coach Alex Ray: Okay, okay, I'm back.
Coach Alex Ray: Look, I could edit it, that I could edit that part out.
Coach Alex Ray: But honestly, I think that the realness of it, the humanness of it, the unfilteredness of it, really aligns with today's episode.
Coach Alex Ray: And, of course, today's episode is again about dropping armor and embracing authentic solves its permission to be imperfect.
Coach Alex Ray: It's really truly the same.
Coach Alex Ray: Today's episode is like the opposite of perfectionism, and I don't know about you, but I struggle with perfectionism.
Coach Alex Ray: I have very high standards for myself that I would never impose on anyone else and, honestly, if I were to impose my standards on someone else, I'd probably be thinking that I was being an asshole to them.
Coach Alex Ray: I don't actually want to give other people the requirements that I give to myself.
Coach Alex Ray: I feel like that kind of mean often, and so, if you can relate to that at all, then you, my friend, you're in the right place for this episode.
Coach Alex Ray: I've noticed this coming up a lot for my clients recently.
Coach Alex Ray: I've noticed it coming up for myself as well, and though it is going to be uncomfortable, what we're talking about today it's going to be uncomfortable to let go of that armor.
Coach Alex Ray: Stripping away the layers of protection actually allows us to not only reveal the beautiful, authentic humans that we are.
Coach Alex Ray: It also allows us to love and be loved by the world deeper, to connect with others on a more fulfilling, authentic life, giving level.
Coach Alex Ray: The first thing I want you to keep in mind as we're talking about this is that you can't selectively armor up Meaning.
Coach Alex Ray: When you armor up and you protect yourself from being vulnerable, you also protect yourself from feeling things like joy or happiness or excitement, like how many times have you been afraid of succeeding?
Coach Alex Ray: Because if you succeed, then, oh my god, there's going to be this huge pressure that you have on yourself to keep it up or to keep going with it.
Coach Alex Ray: At least, that's what I do to myself.
Coach Alex Ray: I know that for sure.
Coach Alex Ray: Whatever your reason is that you're afraid of succeeding, think about like you're trying to protect from the negative sides of success, or what you imagine to be the negative sides of success, and you're also protecting yourself, then, unintentionally, from getting to experience all the joy from succeeding.
Coach Alex Ray: We stunt our own growth when we armor up and we hinder connection with others.
Coach Alex Ray: One of the biggest signs that you are armoring up is not following the advice that you give to other people.
Coach Alex Ray: I do it too.
Coach Alex Ray: I know it well.
Coach Alex Ray: There's no shame here.
Coach Alex Ray: We're in this together, my friend.
Coach Alex Ray: But when we have standards that we won't hold other people to but we require ourselves to uphold, it's time to ask yourself why Are you avoiding canceling a commitment because you don't want to be judged?
Coach Alex Ray: Are you not asking for help or actively turning away help because you can't show that you're human, or you think that people might think you're weak?
Coach Alex Ray: Are you putting on a show for people online when things aren't okay?
Coach Alex Ray: It doesn't mean that you do have to share what's really going on in your life, like strangers on the internet don't deserve to be part of the deepest parts, most intimate parts of your life, but when things aren't going well, do you really need to be putting on a show?
Coach Alex Ray: Are you just exhausting yourself to try to put on a display for other people and then think back to all of these things, like are these things that you would actually expect anyone else to do?
Coach Alex Ray: I know I wouldn't Someone else.
Coach Alex Ray: If I saw anyone else doing these things I'd be like girl, relax, what the hell are you doing?
Coach Alex Ray: Take a freaking break and stop avoiding canceling the commitment.
Coach Alex Ray: Just cancel it.
Coach Alex Ray: Ask for help or allow help and definitely fuck the internet.
Coach Alex Ray: Stop trying to uphold yourself to expectations of people that you don't even know.
Coach Alex Ray: We even are trained by society to have this kind of armor on us.
Coach Alex Ray: Like think about what happens when someone asks how are you doing?
Coach Alex Ray: Our first go to response is typically good.
Coach Alex Ray: Why?
Coach Alex Ray: Most of the time we're not just good.
Coach Alex Ray: We're either doing wonderful or sometimes we're just kind of meh, or often shitty.
Coach Alex Ray: So why is the response just good?
Coach Alex Ray: Perhaps it's an opportunity to avoid being vulnerable.
Coach Alex Ray: Perhaps good, I'm good is a casual, nonchalant version of armoring up.
Coach Alex Ray: So these things again are very easy to see in other people.
Coach Alex Ray: You probably have a lot higher standards for yourself.
Coach Alex Ray: And why do you do that?
Coach Alex Ray: Why do any of us do it?
Coach Alex Ray: Protection, because we don't want to think of ourselves as human, as vulnerable.
Coach Alex Ray: I'm going to share with you a clip from Brene Brown on the Tim Ferriss Show podcast.
Coach Alex Ray: I'll have the link down in the show notes for you as well, but just listen in, as Brene Brown describes this in a way only Brene Brown really can.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: We all grew up and experienced, at varying degrees, trauma, disappointment, hard stuff.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: We armored up and at some point, that armor no longer serves us.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: The weight of the armor is too heavy and it's not protecting you.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: It's keeping you from being seen and known by others.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: This is the developmental milestone of midlife.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: This is when the universe comes down, puts your hands on your shoulders and pulls you close and whispers in your ear I'm not fucking around, you're halfway to dead.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: The armor is keeping you from growing into the gifts I've given you.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: That is not without penalty.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: Time is up.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: So this is what you see happen to people in midlife, and it's not a crisis.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: It's a slow, brutal unraveling.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast: This is where everything that we thought protected us keeps us from being the partners, the parents, the professionals, the people that we want to be.
Coach Alex Ray: Now again, you can find that clip and the full episode in the show notes.
Coach Alex Ray: I've got the link to the Instagram post that I just played.
Coach Alex Ray: But how true is that?
Coach Alex Ray: And you know, as queer people, I think that we have multiple of these midlife crises because there's so much of our identity that we are coming to know throughout our lives, because we're not just the traditional path of humans in our society.
Coach Alex Ray: We've got so much more to discover about ourselves and we've got so much armor that we've put on to protect ourselves out of fear of being cast out, out of fear of not belonging, out of fear of the pain we might have to go through if people knew who we really are.
Coach Alex Ray: As queer people, I think we go through multiple of these life crises and each time is a beautiful shedding of this armor.
Coach Alex Ray: It's not pretty, it's often painful, it's often difficult, but it is worth it.
Coach Alex Ray: It's important to think about as you're noticing this armor in your life, understanding why you do it.
Coach Alex Ray: It's not because you're an idiot, it's not because something's wrong with you, it's not because no one else is doing this.
Coach Alex Ray: It's because you're human and it's out of protection.
Coach Alex Ray: There's a beautiful, wonderful, kind, subconscious part of your brain that's armoring up to protect you because it worked in the past and at this point in your life it's just no longer serving you.
Coach Alex Ray: We put on armor to protect ourselves from pain, of embarrassment, of letting people down, of shame all great things to not want.
Coach Alex Ray: We're avoiding being human, though, for what?
Coach Alex Ray: To protect ourselves from emotional pain and rejection, but we miss out on the love and acceptance that we would otherwise get.
Coach Alex Ray: When you have decided something bad will happen, but you don't take that uncomfortable action Step two of the Confident Queer process right.
Coach Alex Ray: Take action towards that uncomfortable step, then you don't get to test and disprove the belief that you have about how others will react.
Coach Alex Ray: In other words, we build walls to shield our hearts from getting hurt and we end up lonely with our own shit thoughts instead of experiencing connection and love.
Coach Alex Ray: We're in this together.
Coach Alex Ray: You're surrounded by fellow unicorns just like you, who are in the same place, my friend.
Coach Alex Ray: So please do not let this message, this reminder, this introspection here trigger even more shame.
Coach Alex Ray: This is the time to notice that there's a beautiful part of you that, while it's not working well for you anymore, it has good intentions.
Coach Alex Ray: This voice that you have that holds you back and has really high standards for yourself that you would never hold anyone else to and armors up for protection.
Coach Alex Ray: It's not because something's wrong with you.
Coach Alex Ray: It's just because you're human and you're protecting yourself from pain.
Coach Alex Ray: I don't think we would tell anyone who was trying to protect themselves from experiencing pain that they were an awful being and something was wrong with them.
Coach Alex Ray: So what do we do?
Coach Alex Ray: Where do we go from here?
Coach Alex Ray: Once you notice these patterns for yourself, go back to the confident queer process.
Coach Alex Ray: Allow yourself to be uncomfortable when you notice it.
Coach Alex Ray: Don't immediately try to change it.
Coach Alex Ray: Allow yourself to be uncomfortable about whatever changes you might be doing.
Coach Alex Ray: For example, if you have a commitment that you need to cancel, you can change it and it feels like, oh my gosh, that's really taking off the armor.
Coach Alex Ray: They're going to see that like I can't keep my commitments and something's wrong with me and all the story, and then you go wait, hold on, pause.
Coach Alex Ray: This is a story that's in my head that I've used for protection.
Coach Alex Ray: I don't want them to see that I'm human.
Coach Alex Ray: The truth is that all the time we make commitments that we end up not being able to keep because they just don't work for us, we didn't actually know what the future held and we realized I've got to change and cancel.
Coach Alex Ray: I've got to stand up for myself and actually voice that this is no longer something that works for me or fits for me.
Coach Alex Ray: So allow yourself to be uncomfortable with this vulnerability.
Coach Alex Ray: Take action towards it.
Coach Alex Ray: Take action in line with your values, in line with the priorities of your life, in line with what you would tell other people to do.
Coach Alex Ray: Because here's the thing, this is one of my favorite questions to ask when coaching.
Coach Alex Ray: If I have a client that's stuck in indecision, I will often ask what would you tell your friend, your partner, your child, whatever?
Coach Alex Ray: What would you tell them to do if you were in the same situation?
Coach Alex Ray: And the answer is boom, it's very clear, like 99.99% of the time.
Coach Alex Ray: Then why are you struggling to do what you would tell anyone else to do?
Coach Alex Ray: Why is that difficult?
Coach Alex Ray: It's because of all the stories.
Coach Alex Ray: It's because of all the fear.
Coach Alex Ray: It's you armoring up and not doing that thing.
Coach Alex Ray: Whatever you would tell someone else to do in that situation is what aligns with your values and who you want to be in the world and the example that you want to set for others.
Coach Alex Ray: So that's the answer that you really want to follow.
Coach Alex Ray: However, when you're not following it, it's just this issue of being afraid to let down your armor.
Coach Alex Ray: So again, how do we handle this?
Coach Alex Ray: Allow yourself to be uncomfortable, take action towards it, take action that you would have advised a friend to do, and then have your own back, which means both preparing ahead of time for how you'll stay true to yourself and purposely calming your nervous system down on the other side.
Coach Alex Ray: So let's just stick with this example of you have to cancel plans with a friend.
Coach Alex Ray: Okay, you've maybe canceled on them before and you're afraid and it's easier to either just not go at all and not address it, or it's easier to just push through when you know that you are physically and emotionally drained and really shouldn't go, that you need some rest time.
Coach Alex Ray: Okay, first, allowing discomfort looks like just pausing and being with the uncomfortable feelings in your body.
Coach Alex Ray: It's imagining yourself canceling and being with that uncomfortable feeling in your body.
Coach Alex Ray: Then it's taking action by being up front with that friend and saying, hey, I'm really sorry, I hate to do this, but I really do need to cancel.
Coach Alex Ray: I need to not push myself this evening, you know.
Coach Alex Ray: Thanks again for the invitation.
Coach Alex Ray: Whatever is appropriate for your scenario, okay, and then have your own back, which means you've done that thing ahead of time to prepare for how you're going to stay true.
Coach Alex Ray: You've practiced it in your head, you've maybe written it down.
Coach Alex Ray: You could even text it to your friend if you feel appropriate to have it in writing.
Coach Alex Ray: It can be much easier to say these things in writing than in person, which will help build the confidence that you need in order to be able to address these things in person or over the phone or however you need to address them.
Coach Alex Ray: Okay, so you could also talk it through with a friend or your coach to just get some more outside feedback and kind of talk it through even role play, the uncomfortable scenario.
Coach Alex Ray: And you can also set up accountability on the other side so that after you have this difficult conversation of canceling plans, you have someone to go to say, hey, check, I did it, I did it.
Coach Alex Ray: It was uncomfortable, but I survived and I'm okay.
Coach Alex Ray: And then it's purposely calming your nervous system down on the other side as well.
Coach Alex Ray: So you've got accountability on the other side and you've also got calming yourself.
Coach Alex Ray: This could be like you go on a walk, you take a bubble bath, you listen to some music, you spend time with a friend.
Coach Alex Ray: Obviously, that would be kind of like a different scenario, probably if you needed to stay, for our original scenario we're talking about is you staying home from going out because you're exhausted and need to rest and hang out with someone else.
Coach Alex Ray: Maybe isn't really actually the right solution, but maybe it is.
Coach Alex Ray: Maybe you just didn't need to hang out with that original friend that we were talking about in the first scenario.
Coach Alex Ray: I don't know, this is your scenario to use, but you get what I'm saying.
Coach Alex Ray: Do something on the other side of whatever comfortable action you took, to reward yourself, to calm yourself, to appreciate yourself.
Coach Alex Ray: Think about even journaling about how it went, so that you can actually logically look at hey, what was the true outcome of that?
Coach Alex Ray: Originally I thought it was gonna be really terrifying or really terrible, or my friend was gonna hate me.
Coach Alex Ray: How did it actually go?
Coach Alex Ray: Oh, the friend just said, hey, no problem, I appreciate that, or I respect that.
Coach Alex Ray: Thanks for taking care of yourself.
Coach Alex Ray: Wow, I can't believe that this whole time I've been going and upholding plans that I never wanted to do, just out of fear that my friends would hate me.
Coach Alex Ray: Turns out, my friends don't mind at all and it's totally okay.
Coach Alex Ray: I should cancel plans more often.
Coach Alex Ray: All right, let me share with you some real world things that have happened in my client's lives.
Coach Alex Ray: When they dropped the armor, I had one client who finally dropped the armor and broke up with a toxic axe, and though it was really uncomfortable and scary to do it, they felt so much relief on the other side and so much more appreciation for themself.
Coach Alex Ray: Another finally got help from their team at work so they weren't drowning in stressful tasks.
Coach Alex Ray: Another took time off of work, even though they were afraid of what others would think about them if they took time off during this busy season.
Coach Alex Ray: They took the sick leave or the vacation time and they were able to have the recovery day that they needed so that they could come back to work well rested and, guess what?
Coach Alex Ray: No one was mad at them.
Coach Alex Ray: It was totally fine.
Coach Alex Ray: Another dressed authentically according to their gender identity at work and found that their coworkers didn't even bat an eye.
Coach Alex Ray: Another found a new hobby that excites them and where they've been welcomed with open arms to explore their gender expression when they were finally were willing to be their authentic self and to be in spaces that they didn't think that they originally were going to belong.
Coach Alex Ray: And lo and behold, they did.
Coach Alex Ray: And I, in my own life, found that a love unlike anything I've ever experienced before, more safe and calm and stable and deep than I ever knew, was possible with my partner.
Coach Alex Ray: And it's because I let go of the walls that I was holding up, the armor that I was holding onto and, I'll be honest, I haven't let go of all the armor.
Coach Alex Ray: I find new ways on a regular basis where, oh, I'm armoring up.
Coach Alex Ray: I'm not actually telling the truth about how I feel right now.
Coach Alex Ray: I'm trying to protect myself.
Coach Alex Ray: I'm afraid of what he might think of me if I say this or do this.
Coach Alex Ray: Speak up, speak up.
Coach Alex Ray: So, my friend, the question for you today is what armor do you need to drop and what support will you allow yourself or empower yourself rather to have along the way Until next Tuesday?
Coach Alex Ray: Bye.