In this intimate session the conversation unfolds Marley discusses the difficult terrain of people-pleasing and the subtle art of boundary setting. From the simple act of skipping a pricey coffee date to the complex dance of social dynamics. There's a collective strength found in the little word 'no'. So, join me in harnessing that ' it girl energy', as we chart a course towards saying yes to the people, passions, and paths that genuinely sculpt our life's masterpiece while saying no!
You can watch the full episodes on our Youtube
Youtube - Confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s TikTok:
@wannabeitgirlpodcast
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s IG:
@confessionsofawannabeitgirl
In this intimate session the conversation unfolds Marley discusses the difficult terrain of people-pleasing and the subtle art of boundary setting. From the simple act of skipping a pricey coffee date to the complex dance of social dynamics. There's a collective strength found in the little word 'no'. So, join me in harnessing that ' it girl energy', as we chart a course towards saying yes to the people, passions, and paths that genuinely sculpt our life's masterpiece while saying no!
You can watch the full episodes on our Youtube
Youtube - Confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s TikTok:
@wannabeitgirlpodcast
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s IG:
@confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Hi guys, and welcome back to you. Confessions of a Want to Be it girl. Today's episode we are talking about something that I feel like I have learned and relearn. The lesson forgotten and need a reminder about, and something I often hear people talking about, is how they have too much on their plate and they need to learn how to say no, handle giving a no, all the things around no.
Speaker 2:Hi guys and welcome back to Confessions of a Want to Be it girl podcast to help you filter out the BS in pursuits of becoming the next it girl. So if you are watching along online I think you could tell I'm not. I might know a little set of. There's lots of life updates I'm going to give here. If you're new here, my name is Sarlahe Fraging and I host this podcast, Confessions of a Want to Be it girl In my childhood bedroom welcome, this is it.
Speaker 2:So background looks a little different today. Guys, I'm not doing you. Life is handed me and doozy, and it feels like it's also annoying the people around me. I do see, if you think feeling like the end of 2023 was enough. It seemed like by February 24, it was just like ha ha, marley jokes on you. My apartment currently had four leaps in it. We are doing a lot of construction, so I have been too quickly having to refigure the now we currently have no hot water. Really grand time. Yeah, there's just a lot of elements in the air.
Speaker 2:I've been struggling with getting the wedding contract signed from this wedding in 2025. It feels like my friends are kind of getting dealt really hard cards, life lessons and something I'm just going to start this into men, what is conversation I was having with my best friend? You know she is up for a job and you know it's a good set of a job, but there's something questionable about the company and we're like, well, he got it. I feel like, take it, but whatever is meant to be will be. Maybe you'll be short lived, maybe you'll be long live. Well, and then I'm feeling like this with the wedding contract, of this instability, of knowing if it is going to work out, and you know I've gotten wanting to have all these things and again it is the situation of what is meant to be will be, and I just feel like that is a thing in our late 20s, post COVID world, is the notion that we can try to control the elements as much as we freaking want, but sometimes life is just going to give you not even a nice like haha middle finger. It's just like a fuck you middle finger and you're just going to have to readjust. I don't think that it is any less part of life. I don't think I was being called out, certainly. I think that little finger from life, your part of falling for the job being unstable, the job market being shit right now, is, unfortunately, just part of growing up. So when you see that, I think it's a reminder of, well, that fucking sucks, but I'm stronger and you're just gonna pivot back and go harder.
Speaker 2:I do believe that there's this element of we just kind of put our heads down, put on our blinders, mind your business and do your own thing, which is kind of diving into this topic. I want to talk on that, which is mastering the art of saying the magic word no, something I hadn't deeply struggled with, but like to myself, a currently recovering people pleaser. I think a lot of us have struggled being people pleasers. Unfortunately, it's a little bit more succinct with being a female. It feels, though or job is to please and make people happy and say yes, yes, and what can I do for you? Yes, absolutely. I can pick that on, and I care to tell you that the most important word to fucking say is no, and by saying no, you're actually letting yourself say yes to the more important things that you want to be doing.
Speaker 2:The common challenges of saying no, I would say, is the ideas of the road, the path. You know I this is metaphorical, so stick with me here. I like to think about how all these different roads lead to Rome and I have what I call bumper sticker mentality, those things that was like never turned down an opportunity. Always say yes. Like work hard, play hard, like bumper sticker mentality has super such a key. So when we think about all these roads to Rome, we always think about the opportunities that we might be missing by saying no, which tricks us into saying yes. For myself, that was a huge problem. I was like, well, I should say yes because I never know where the shit's gonna lead. And the thing is, my road to Rome will still be available if I say no. But I did feel insanely yoted by the possibly I would be missing opportunities if I said no. Another huge thing is the people. Please say no to it. Saying no to somebody You're worried it could damage your relationship. You're worried they're not going to think of you again for the next opportunity. You be worried that they're just not going to like you after saying no and you know what? Give a fucking bad if they don't. So those are the main common issues I see with people saying no and I've seen with myself, and I think it's important to start saying no, because saying no allows you to say yes.
Speaker 2:I've actually been in the position where I have had opportunities. I'll put this in the interim category. They are both free. I'm doing the work for free. I have an opportunity A, I have opportunity B, I have opportunity C and I will think I would take all three opportunities and make them be yes because I've been asked and it's a privilege that I'm in ask. I need to say yes, there's no difference in monitoring value. There's no difference in, maybe external resume line. They're exactly the same. But I think, oh, I should do all three. What I am doing by taking all three is hurting my relationships with all three, my potential for next opportunities.
Speaker 2:After this. You have to say no to A, b or C and maybe only pick one because you want to do that at your best level. Every time you say yes to something, you're potentially hurting your ability to be greater in another category. Learning to say no improves the thing you are already doing. So, for instance, let's use this podcast as an example I get an opportunity to co-host another podcast with person and like it's going to blow up and say to be a big thing and definitely not aware I am too busy to have two podcasts in my life. I will need to pick. I will need to say no to something. So what is able to be at its highest quality level? You are affecting the quality of things.
Speaker 2:I'm taking on too many assets and I've talked a little bit about this. For me, it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. And I think when we are asked to do something like I don't know, dox it someone, you're going to dox it, very simple. Sometimes we do it for free. So pens, we do it for a little extra side couch, it's not that much. We say we can do it Really. Yeah, I need the catch, I got the time. But mentally you're like I'm not going to get to sleep in my bed, I'm not going to get to see my friends. This $100. I might be hurting myself. I'm not saying turn down money if you need money, girl, we all about credit for that. I know I'm living in that. Maybe I should just take it because of that.
Speaker 2:But sometimes say no, we'll give you about that time, that energy, that thing which would go make the things you've already committed to greater, and that's something I've been realizing a lot. I found a lot more into understanding like wordy with your period and I think that's something that I've been understanding like wordy with your period. And by the time I hit my period I'm so burnt out. Yet I want to keep working because my anxiety keeps running in the back of my head. But taking that time off recover is again allowing those other days in the month to be so much stronger, because I took maybe those three days off to recover with your period and now that's like a weird thing. Maybe I'm totally aligned with what people are saying, maybe not at all. Time Bye.
Speaker 2:You need to learn to say no, because saying no is going to allow the things you want to prioritize to be at their best. The reason you also need to learn to say no is because no is a boundary. I didn't know this. Say no is literally a boundary. And the more you practice saying no to no, I can't hang out. No, I can't take on that work task. No, I can't get drug on this Thursday the more people will start to respect that and understand what you actually want to be doing with your life.
Speaker 2:I have definitely in this past year, a year and a half, had to come to the deep realization the really deep one that I am no longer the biggest party friend. Nobody texts me on a Thursday night or Friday night thinking I'm coming out. I'm in my retired 30 year old era, for sure. And you know what I used to be the girl who would always see us going out Random plans on a Jewish day. I'll meet you on a random Thursday when I have a rehearsal at 7am on there, and I don't know if it was getting older or whatnot, or just tired of being fucking hungover.
Speaker 2:But I started to realize that I needed to start saying no, that it was detrimental to the other things I wanted to be working so hard towards. So I started saying no. And the first time I say no, you know I was like, oh, that's kind of like a one-off Marley said no to going out. But then the next time they're like, oh yeah, now maybe this is becoming a thing. And then you know months later and you know it's kind of a assume that I just won't go out on a Thursday or Tuesday or whatever long, I load and be hungover and I've had to realize that now I'm not the first person people text to go party with because I set that boundary. I'm saying no, that this is not really what my life is about and what it's going to be made up.
Speaker 2:And you know, sometimes I have to work extra harder to maybe get included in plans like that. I have to let people know I'm available. I have to ask and ask and ask if I can join something or you know, reiterate that like I'd appreciate the invite. But I set my boundary by saying no. And the first couple of times you do it it's not fun. And you know what? I still get fun most sometimes from saying now, like I have this friends, these friends, they got a lot more than I do and you know they are closer because they go out all together and sometimes I'm better when I do things and I get a little sad. That's so loud, I guess, and back up deep inside it doesn't mean to be that sad. What I'm saying is I set that boundary that I'm not always going to be that person, and so I remind them that like I'd like to come, even if I say no, I appreciate the offer and that kind of takes me to my next point about how to say no with frigging grace.
Speaker 2:I talked about this a little bit on the podcast. Saying no is hard, saying no is uncomfortable, especially for those of us who run that interest. I get really nervous in the league of all these false narratives and false stories about how they're never in terms of me and and, and, and, and, and, and, and and. Now I'm not in a second. Here's how you say no gracefully. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I really appreciate this offer, but unfortunately I'm not able to make that kind of energy that this thing needs and I want to make sure it's the best. So I'm just not the right person at this time. But I really appreciate you asking me and I wish you the biggest success with it.
Speaker 2:I one time couldn't have thought this up worse. My acting teacher called me to see if I was going to be in her class this special, you know, kind of like elective, not bridging acting class. I had already done the course. I was buried to a flippin' chris I mean crispier than Kentucky fried chicken that went through the murder like eight times. I don't eat meat, so that could have been a horrible reference.
Speaker 2:But I was so burned to a crisp I knew I did not have the time, the energy or the will to want to do it. But I was so deeply scared to tell her. I came up with all these stories about how she was going to hate me for not doing it and that I should just do it because I value our relationship more and I'm the girl who could take on everything, so I should just do it. And when I called her to say I just I can't do it and I was babbling on for maybe like six or seven minutes she was like Marley, like you got to stop with these crazy stories. You made up for yourself. And I was like she's right. Luckily, I don't really think she dinged me for that. You know she understood that this was a growing moment for me.
Speaker 2:But what I wish I had said was thank you so much for thinking of me. I loved this cause. Maybe I will be in it in the future, but right now I just don't have the time and energy to do about what was so much like. Would that be so hard to say? Like? I don't think so. So the thing is, once you start to do it, it gets easier and easier. Maybe it's because you are being rejected. At some point in your life you know what it feels like to be rejected, so you worry that that's what the other person is experiencing. That's a very empathic thing, but at the same time, know that people have said no to you and you can model that figure. I would say I'm at it, all the answers, but I will say that the fear of saying yes to a million things is so much worse. So I just think about where I'm going to be if I take this and how abstract it's going to put on my relationship with my fiance, how much that's going to take away from my family, how much it's going to take away from other things I am doing. And I realize that that's the air and that anxiety of literally letting other people down and already committed to and letting myself down that I've already committed to is way, way worse than just saying no and maybe letting down this person voluntarily.
Speaker 2:This is something I used to think about. I think I've talked about it a little bit before. Is I go into damn auditions and I'd be so nervous and I absolutely fucking blow it? I mean, could it? Or maybe choreography go up in the whole thing and it was horrible and I just didn't know how to fix it. I was doing a lot of anxiety. This is pre-medicated Marley. This is just recently in there be, this is pre psychiatrist for sure.
Speaker 2:And I started to realize that going into the television and loaning it made me feel way worse than just having anxiety about it before and be like, hey, pull the fuck together and make this moment the best it's going to be, because if not, sitting in your gir after is going to say give it your all. It's better to go in with 110% I fail, knowing you did your absolute best. Then go in. Has ass sailing, fumbling and then still failing. That's going to feel worse and I think that applies to saying no. It is okay to say no hearts? Absolutely not. That's the fear that in the moment. But say yes, not doing it well, letting down people, stressing yourself out, the way that puts on you and overall affects your competence and wherewithal just to function as a present human way fucking worse. So I know it's kind of a a flip flop, dark end analogy, if you will, but it is how I think about saying no. It's just like this should get way worse if I say yes because I got too much on my three good plate.
Speaker 2:I talk about a lot of this because I want people to learn from my mistakes and God made a lot, particularly around anxiety and saying yes to things when I didn't have the middle space and setting this boundary in your life of saying no. It's a native effect, your life and learning to create other boundaries. Think of saying no to the tiniest thing. Just like I don't want to get that seminar coffee today with you because I'm saving money. No is innately going to affect your life when it comes down to. You know, do you want to buy a house with me? No, you know, they're the rain. We're starting small, we're building.
Speaker 2:My God, I feel really like coachy when I say this, but like though my group have it as learning to say no now to the tiniest things, to going out on a Thursday to know I just don't want to watch that on TV starting to nick the people pleasing in the butt, coming, recovering people. These are by saying no to the smallest things, even if it's just like somebody tells you you're driving a car and you're going to place. You know, you know how to get to and they are there like turn left and you're like, no, that's not right and you know it. Just say it because that is innately going to affect your ability and your confidence to be able to say no, to go really big shit and like you need to say no to like being pressured into crazy situation. I'm watching Salt Lake.
Speaker 1:City right now.
Speaker 2:Let me clarify the real housewives of Salt Lake Lake. Good board is that franchise. I get to fucking rob them. I mean, that's the newer season, season board, monica's new show and I should get Harry there.
Speaker 2:But she talks about how Jen Shaw asked her to use your name and did it on. You make 600,000 grand where 600,000. And she was like this is she, and she, you know, gets the information and she goes no and she finds out how bad that would have actually been. Saying no to that $7 coffee Repeatedly, or, you know, saying no and then building it up step by step will eventually save you maybe from a scam or investing in something you don't believe in or people pleasing your family. So you're coming at being there and even things that they are the same. I mean, we used to call each other and just fly off a handle with each other and now we've large as say, you know I'm not in the space for this right now, or you know I'm in the middle of doing something here on this person right now. Again, I think that all started to come from my growing ability to say no, title things. Give yourself grace, but give other people grace as they learn to set their boundaries and say no as well. Guys, thank you so much for listening to this episode of conditions of a warranty at Groom. I hope this has imported on you and me as we figured this out together how to filter out all this BS. We have added on our plate in a very confessional want to be a girl way. Learning to say no is a very assertive how are things we can all say back, and I think saying no so you can say yes is very much a girl energy. So thank you guys so much for listening to this podcast and I appreciate it and I cheer you to see you next Tuesday.
Speaker 2:You, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you.