The Subtle Art of Saying No to Say Yes

In this intimate session the conversation unfolds Marley discusses the difficult terrain of people-pleasing and the subtle art of boundary setting. From the simple act of skipping a pricey coffee date to the complex dance of social dynamics. There's a collective strength found in the little word 'no'. So, join me in harnessing that ' it girl energy', as we chart a course towards saying yes to the people, passions, and paths that genuinely sculpt our life's masterpiece while saying no! 

You can watch the full episodes on our Youtube
Youtube - Confessionsofawannabeitgirl

Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s TikTok:
@wannabeitgirlpodcast

Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s IG:
@confessionsofawannabeitgirl

Transcript

Mastering the Art of Saying No

Speaker 1 0:00

Hi guys , and welcome back to you . Confessions of a Want to Be it girl . Today's episode we are talking about something that I feel like I have learned and relearn . The lesson forgotten and need a reminder about , and something I often hear people talking about , is how they have too much on their plate and they need to learn how to say no , handle giving a no , all the things around no .

Speaker 2 1:02

Hi guys and welcome back to Confessions of a Want to Be it girl podcast to help you filter out the BS in pursuits of becoming the next it girl . So if you are watching along online I think you could tell I'm not . I might know a little set of . There's lots of life updates I'm going to give here . If you're new here , my name is Sarlahe Fraging and I host this podcast , Confessions of a Want to Be it girl In my childhood bedroom welcome , this is it .

Speaker 2 1:30

So background looks a little different today . Guys , I'm not doing you . Life is handed me and doozy , and it feels like it's also annoying the people around me . I do see , if you think feeling like the end of 2023 was enough . It seemed like by February 24 , it was just like ha ha , marley jokes on you . My apartment currently had four leaps in it . We are doing a lot of construction , so I have been too quickly having to refigure the now we currently have no hot water . Really grand time . Yeah , there's just a lot of elements in the air .

Speaker 2 2:08

I've been struggling with getting the wedding contract signed from this wedding in 2025 . It feels like my friends are kind of getting dealt really hard cards , life lessons and something I'm just going to start this into men , what is conversation I was having with my best friend ? You know she is up for a job and you know it's a good set of a job , but there's something questionable about the company and we're like , well , he got it . I feel like , take it , but whatever is meant to be will be . Maybe you'll be short lived , maybe you'll be long live . Well , and then I'm feeling like this with the wedding contract , of this instability , of knowing if it is going to work out , and you know I've gotten wanting to have all these things and again it is the situation of what is meant to be will be , and I just feel like that is a thing in our late 20s , post COVID world , is the notion that we can try to control the elements as much as we freaking want , but sometimes life is just going to give you not even a nice like haha middle finger . It's just like a fuck you middle finger and you're just going to have to readjust . I don't think that it is any less part of life . I don't think I was being called out , certainly . I think that little finger from life , your part of falling for the job being unstable , the job market being shit right now , is , unfortunately , just part of growing up . So when you see that , I think it's a reminder of , well , that fucking sucks , but I'm stronger and you're just gonna pivot back and go harder .

Speaker 2 3:52

I do believe that there's this element of we just kind of put our heads down , put on our blinders , mind your business and do your own thing , which is kind of diving into this topic . I want to talk on that , which is mastering the art of saying the magic word no , something I hadn't deeply struggled with , but like to myself , a currently recovering people pleaser . I think a lot of us have struggled being people pleasers . Unfortunately , it's a little bit more succinct with being a female . It feels , though or job is to please and make people happy and say yes , yes , and what can I do for you ? Yes , absolutely . I can pick that on , and I care to tell you that the most important word to fucking say is no , and by saying no , you're actually letting yourself say yes to the more important things that you want to be doing .

Speaker 2 4:49

The common challenges of saying no , I would say , is the ideas of the road , the path . You know I this is metaphorical , so stick with me here . I like to think about how all these different roads lead to Rome and I have what I call bumper sticker mentality , those things that was like never turned down an opportunity . Always say yes . Like work hard , play hard , like bumper sticker mentality has super such a key . So when we think about all these roads to Rome , we always think about the opportunities that we might be missing by saying no , which tricks us into saying yes . For myself , that was a huge problem . I was like , well , I should say yes because I never know where the shit's gonna lead . And the thing is , my road to Rome will still be available if I say no . But I did feel insanely yoted by the possibly I would be missing opportunities if I said no . Another huge thing is the people . Please say no to it . Saying no to somebody You're worried it could damage your relationship . You're worried they're not going to think of you again for the next opportunity . You be worried that they're just not going to like you after saying no and you know what ? Give a fucking bad if they don't . So those are the main common issues I see with people saying no and I've seen with myself , and I think it's important to start saying no , because saying no allows you to say yes .

Speaker 2 6:35

I've actually been in the position where I have had opportunities . I'll put this in the interim category . They are both free . I'm doing the work for free . I have an opportunity A , I have opportunity B , I have opportunity C and I will think I would take all three opportunities and make them be yes because I've been asked and it's a privilege that I'm in ask . I need to say yes , there's no difference in monitoring value . There's no difference in , maybe external resume line . They're exactly the same . But I think , oh , I should do all three . What I am doing by taking all three is hurting my relationships with all three , my potential for next opportunities .

Speaker 2 7:29

After this . You have to say no to A , b or C and maybe only pick one because you want to do that at your best level . Every time you say yes to something , you're potentially hurting your ability to be greater in another category . Learning to say no improves the thing you are already doing . So , for instance , let's use this podcast as an example I get an opportunity to co-host another podcast with person and like it's going to blow up and say to be a big thing and definitely not aware I am too busy to have two podcasts in my life . I will need to pick . I will need to say no to something . So what is able to be at its highest quality level ? You are affecting the quality of things .

Speaker 2 8:23

I'm taking on too many assets and I've talked a little bit about this . For me , it's not a hell yes , it's a hell no . And I think when we are asked to do something like I don't know , dox it someone , you're going to dox it , very simple . Sometimes we do it for free . So pens , we do it for a little extra side couch , it's not that much . We say we can do it Really . Yeah , I need the catch , I got the time . But mentally you're like I'm not going to get to sleep in my bed , I'm not going to get to see my friends . This $100 . I might be hurting myself . I'm not saying turn down money if you need money , girl , we all about credit for that . I know I'm living in that . Maybe I should just take it because of that .

Speaker 2 9:09

But sometimes say no , we'll give you about that time , that energy , that thing which would go make the things you've already committed to greater , and that's something I've been realizing a lot . I found a lot more into understanding like wordy with your period and I think that's something that I've been understanding like wordy with your period . And by the time I hit my period I'm so burnt out . Yet I want to keep working because my anxiety keeps running in the back of my head . But taking that time off recover is again allowing those other days in the month to be so much stronger , because I took maybe those three days off to recover with your period and now that's like a weird thing . Maybe I'm totally aligned with what people are saying , maybe not at all . Time Bye .

Speaker 2 10:14

You need to learn to say no , because saying no is going to allow the things you want to prioritize to be at their best . The reason you also need to learn to say no is because no is a boundary . I didn't know this . Say no is literally a boundary . And the more you practice saying no to no , I can't hang out . No , I can't take on that work task . No , I can't get drug on this Thursday the more people will start to respect that and understand what you actually want to be doing with your life .

Speaker 2 10:52

I have definitely in this past year , a year and a half , had to come to the deep realization the really deep one that I am no longer the biggest party friend . Nobody texts me on a Thursday night or Friday night thinking I'm coming out . I'm in my retired 30 year old era , for sure . And you know what I used to be the girl who would always see us going out Random plans on a Jewish day . I'll meet you on a random Thursday when I have a rehearsal at 7am on there , and I don't know if it was getting older or whatnot , or just tired of being fucking hungover .

Speaker 2 11:31

But I started to realize that I needed to start saying no , that it was detrimental to the other things I wanted to be working so hard towards . So I started saying no . And the first time I say no , you know I was like , oh , that's kind of like a one-off Marley said no to going out . But then the next time they're like , oh yeah , now maybe this is becoming a thing . And then you know months later and you know it's kind of a assume that I just won't go out on a Thursday or Tuesday or whatever long , I load and be hungover and I've had to realize that now I'm not the first person people text to go party with because I set that boundary . I'm saying no , that this is not really what my life is about and what it's going to be made up .

Speaker 2 12:23

And you know , sometimes I have to work extra harder to maybe get included in plans like that . I have to let people know I'm available . I have to ask and ask and ask if I can join something or you know , reiterate that like I'd appreciate the invite . But I set my boundary by saying no . And the first couple of times you do it it's not fun . And you know what ? I still get fun most sometimes from saying now , like I have this friends , these friends , they got a lot more than I do and you know they are closer because they go out all together and sometimes I'm better when I do things and I get a little sad . That's so loud , I guess , and back up deep inside it doesn't mean to be that sad . What I'm saying is I set that boundary that I'm not always going to be that person , and so I remind them that like I'd like to come , even if I say no , I appreciate the offer and that kind of takes me to my next point about how to say no with frigging grace .

Speaker 2 13:28

I talked about this a little bit on the podcast . Saying no is hard , saying no is uncomfortable , especially for those of us who run that interest . I get really nervous in the league of all these false narratives and false stories about how they're never in terms of me and and , and , and , and , and , and , and and . Now I'm not in a second . Here's how you say no gracefully . Thank you so much for thinking of me . I really appreciate this offer , but unfortunately I'm not able to make that kind of energy that this thing needs and I want to make sure it's the best . So I'm just not the right person at this time . But I really appreciate you asking me and I wish you the biggest success with it .

Speaker 2 14:14

I one time couldn't have thought this up worse . My acting teacher called me to see if I was going to be in her class this special , you know , kind of like elective , not bridging acting class . I had already done the course . I was buried to a flippin' chris I mean crispier than Kentucky fried chicken that went through the murder like eight times . I don't eat meat , so that could have been a horrible reference .

Speaker 2 14:44

But I was so burned to a crisp I knew I did not have the time , the energy or the will to want to do it . But I was so deeply scared to tell her . I came up with all these stories about how she was going to hate me for not doing it and that I should just do it because I value our relationship more and I'm the girl who could take on everything , so I should just do it . And when I called her to say I just I can't do it and I was babbling on for maybe like six or seven minutes she was like Marley , like you got to stop with these crazy stories . You made up for yourself . And I was like she's right . Luckily , I don't really think she dinged me for that . You know she understood that this was a growing moment for me .

Speaker 2 15:35

But what I wish I had said was thank you so much for thinking of me . I loved this cause . Maybe I will be in it in the future , but right now I just don't have the time and energy to do about what was so much like . Would that be so hard to say ? Like ? I don't think so . So the thing is , once you start to do it , it gets easier and easier . Maybe it's because you are being rejected . At some point in your life you know what it feels like to be rejected , so you worry that that's what the other person is experiencing . That's a very empathic thing , but at the same time , know that people have said no to you and you can model that figure . I would say I'm at it , all the answers , but I will say that the fear of saying yes to a million things is so much worse . So I just think about where I'm going to be if I take this and how abstract it's going to put on my relationship with my fiance , how much that's going to take away from my family , how much it's going to take away from other things I am doing . And I realize that that's the air and that anxiety of literally letting other people down and already committed to and letting myself down that I've already committed to is way , way worse than just saying no and maybe letting down this person voluntarily .

Set Boundaries, Learn to Say No

Speaker 2 17:01

This is something I used to think about . I think I've talked about it a little bit before . Is I go into damn auditions and I'd be so nervous and I absolutely fucking blow it ? I mean , could it ? Or maybe choreography go up in the whole thing and it was horrible and I just didn't know how to fix it . I was doing a lot of anxiety . This is pre-medicated Marley . This is just recently in there be , this is pre psychiatrist for sure .

Speaker 2 17:32

And I started to realize that going into the television and loaning it made me feel way worse than just having anxiety about it before and be like , hey , pull the fuck together and make this moment the best it's going to be , because if not , sitting in your gir after is going to say give it your all . It's better to go in with 110% I fail , knowing you did your absolute best . Then go in . Has ass sailing , fumbling and then still failing . That's going to feel worse and I think that applies to saying no . It is okay to say no hearts ? Absolutely not . That's the fear that in the moment . But say yes , not doing it well , letting down people , stressing yourself out , the way that puts on you and overall affects your competence and wherewithal just to function as a present human way fucking worse . So I know it's kind of a a flip flop , dark end analogy , if you will , but it is how I think about saying no . It's just like this should get way worse if I say yes because I got too much on my three good plate .

Speaker 2 18:49

I talk about a lot of this because I want people to learn from my mistakes and God made a lot , particularly around anxiety and saying yes to things when I didn't have the middle space and setting this boundary in your life of saying no . It's a native effect , your life and learning to create other boundaries . Think of saying no to the tiniest thing . Just like I don't want to get that seminar coffee today with you because I'm saving money . No is innately going to affect your life when it comes down to . You know , do you want to buy a house with me ? No , you know , they're the rain . We're starting small , we're building .

Speaker 2 19:34

My God , I feel really like coachy when I say this , but like though my group have it as learning to say no now to the tiniest things , to going out on a Thursday to know I just don't want to watch that on TV starting to nick the people pleasing in the butt , coming , recovering people . These are by saying no to the smallest things , even if it's just like somebody tells you you're driving a car and you're going to place . You know , you know how to get to and they are there like turn left and you're like , no , that's not right and you know it . Just say it because that is innately going to affect your ability and your confidence to be able to say no , to go really big shit and like you need to say no to like being pressured into crazy situation . I'm watching Salt Lake .

Speaker 1 20:23

City right now .

Speaker 2 20:24

Let me clarify the real housewives of Salt Lake Lake . Good board is that franchise . I get to fucking rob them . I mean , that's the newer season , season board , monica's new show and I should get Harry there .

Speaker 2 20:38

But she talks about how Jen Shaw asked her to use your name and did it on . You make 600,000 grand where 600,000 . And she was like this is she , and she , you know , gets the information and she goes no and she finds out how bad that would have actually been .

Learning to Say No for Boundaries

Speaker 2 20:56

Saying no to that $7 coffee Repeatedly , or , you know , saying no and then building it up step by step will eventually save you maybe from a scam or investing in something you don't believe in or people pleasing your family . So you're coming at being there and even things that they are the same . I mean , we used to call each other and just fly off a handle with each other and now we've large as say , you know I'm not in the space for this right now , or you know I'm in the middle of doing something here on this person right now . Again , I think that all started to come from my growing ability to say no , title things . Give yourself grace , but give other people grace as they learn to set their boundaries and say no as well . Guys , thank you so much for listening to this episode of conditions of a warranty at Groom . I hope this has imported on you and me as we figured this out together how to filter out all this BS . We have added on our plate in a very confessional want to be a girl way . Learning to say no is a very assertive how are things we can all say back , and I think saying no so you can say yes is very much a girl energy . So thank you guys so much for listening to this podcast and I appreciate it and I cheer you to see you next Tuesday .

Speaker 2 23:08

You , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you , you .