Ask Kati Anything!

ep #8 - You Are Leading A Double Life? Ask Kati Anything!

April 29, 2020 Kati Morton Season 1 Episode 8
Ask Kati Anything!
ep #8 - You Are Leading A Double Life? Ask Kati Anything!
Chapters
Ask Kati Anything!
ep #8 - You Are Leading A Double Life? Ask Kati Anything!
Apr 29, 2020 Season 1 Episode 8
Kati Morton

Audience Questions:

1 My therapist talks about herself a lot. I kind of want a new therapist but I don’t know how to tell her that. Is there any advice you can give me?

2 What is your take on cutting toxic family members out of your life? I feel like it is really stigmatized in our society (especially when it comes to mothers) and I'm also not sure how to go about actually doing it (in a nice way if possible), thanks!

3 Hi Kati. I'm a college student with BPD that lost my apartment and is now living with my family while doing college online. Do you have any tips on asking for more space during this pandemic?

4 How can I cope with my parents being toxic to each other all the time??

5 What types of experiences are considered traumatic? For an experience to have been traumatic, does a person have to fear for their life or can it be things that are just emotionally/psychologically distressing?

6 How can I stop imagining terrible situations and reliving embarrassing moments, please

7 Is it normal to constantly wonder what your therapist thinks of you? Or to replay a session in your head and think about how you should have said more or said some things differently?

8 Hi Kati, I was wondering how you recommend dealing with the feeling that you are leading a double life? Specifically in the sense of being around family who don’t know about your mental health issues (such as anxiety, eating disorders, trauma) and your sexuality. I know that I am keeping this information private for a whole host of reasons that pertain to my family’s role in my mental health issues but I still feel incredibly guilty for lying. I also am struggling because it is really draining having to keep so much secret when I am home from college.

9 What to do when therapy gets too hard? I have certain topics I just cannot discuss for no obvious reasons, they're just bad childhood experiences I could never get over. I tried many times to talk about it in therapy but I always end up retreating and running away from therapy all together when I push myself. I'm just completely stuck, I've been like this for over a year now. :(

Video Version of this Podcast
https://youtu.be/DC7g8v2h0jg

Ordering Kati's book
Are u ok?
http://bit.ly/2s0mULy

Kati's Amazon Suggestions
https://www.amazon.com/shop/katimorton

ONLINE THERAPY
I do not currently offer online therapy.  BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online counselor. Please visit: MORE INFO     
I receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. I only recommend services I know and trust.

PATREON
Do you want to help me support the creation of mental health videos? https://www.katimorton.com/kati-morton-patreon/

Opinions That Don't Matter! (2nd podcast)
video: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCs58xfxPpjVARRuwjH8usfw
audio: https://opionstdm.buzzsprout.com/

BUSINESS EMAIL
[email protected]

MAIL
PO Box #665 1223 Wilshire Blvd. Santa Monica, CA 90403

PLEASE READ
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/katimorton)

Show Notes Transcript

Audience Questions:

1 My therapist talks about herself a lot. I kind of want a new therapist but I don’t know how to tell her that. Is there any advice you can give me?

2 What is your take on cutting toxic family members out of your life? I feel like it is really stigmatized in our society (especially when it comes to mothers) and I'm also not sure how to go about actually doing it (in a nice way if possible), thanks!

3 Hi Kati. I'm a college student with BPD that lost my apartment and is now living with my family while doing college online. Do you have any tips on asking for more space during this pandemic?

4 How can I cope with my parents being toxic to each other all the time??

5 What types of experiences are considered traumatic? For an experience to have been traumatic, does a person have to fear for their life or can it be things that are just emotionally/psychologically distressing?

6 How can I stop imagining terrible situations and reliving embarrassing moments, please

7 Is it normal to constantly wonder what your therapist thinks of you? Or to replay a session in your head and think about how you should have said more or said some things differently?

8 Hi Kati, I was wondering how you recommend dealing with the feeling that you are leading a double life? Specifically in the sense of being around family who don’t know about your mental health issues (such as anxiety, eating disorders, trauma) and your sexuality. I know that I am keeping this information private for a whole host of reasons that pertain to my family’s role in my mental health issues but I still feel incredibly guilty for lying. I also am struggling because it is really draining having to keep so much secret when I am home from college.

9 What to do when therapy gets too hard? I have certain topics I just cannot discuss for no obvious reasons, they're just bad childhood experiences I could never get over. I tried many times to talk about it in therapy but I always end up retreating and running away from therapy all together when I push myself. I'm just completely stuck, I've been like this for over a year now. :(

Video Version of this Podcast
https://youtu.be/DC7g8v2h0jg

Ordering Kati's book
Are u ok?
http://bit.ly/2s0mULy

Kati's Amazon Suggestions
https://www.amazon.com/shop/katimorton

ONLINE THERAPY
I do not currently offer online therapy.  BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online counselor. Please visit: MORE INFO     
I receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. I only recommend services I know and trust.

PATREON
Do you want to help me support the creation of mental health videos? https://www.katimorton.com/kati-morton-patreon/

Opinions That Don't Matter! (2nd podcast)
video: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCs58xfxPpjVARRuwjH8usfw
audio: https://opionstdm.buzzsprout.com/

BUSINESS EMAIL
[email protected]

MAIL
PO Box #665 1223 Wilshire Blvd. Santa Monica, CA 90403

PLEASE READ
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/katimorton)

speaker 0:   0:00
you can ask her breakups suck or why you hit a but inquire off questions you boys want. Thio. Katie Anything? Hey, everybody. We are back for another episode of Ask Katie anything and I have a bunch of your questions. As always, we don't know how many we're gonna get through. Um, but I have How many do I have? I have 10 that air prepared, and I saw all of your comments below, um, the question I asked, Well, it's a post, and I asked for your questions on my YouTube community tab. I see there's, like, 268 or something of them. Um, so know that I will be going back and I'll be pulling more if there's a question that you like, as always, just give it a thumbs up because I'm trying to pull the ones that have the most thumbs up. I don't know why the community type won't let me filter them that way, but I'm doing my best. Um, so yeah, How are you? Hope your day is going well today has been busy for me, um, filming and, you know, just a day of creation. So let's continue in that, um it's funny because I did that video a couple weeks ago about, like, the Corona virus, and it's called This is hard to talk about. And I thought it was going to, like do terribly, because I was like, I'm just rambling and I don't know if people even care and, you know, and I'm not saying people don't care. I'm just saying, like, Is this even pertinent? Um, but I'm contemplating doing another cause. I feel like as the weeks trickle on, it gets harder and weirder. I don't know, maybe it's just me. But anyway, those are things that are on my mind, things that I'm dealing with, things I'm thinking about. Um, let's get into your questions. Are we ready? Let's have a sip of our water. Let's get started. Okay. Question number one. Katie, My therapist talks about herself a lot. I kind of want a new therapist, but I don't know how to tell her that. Is there any advice you can give me? Yes. Um, I've talked about this before. I have a video from, like, back in the day, and it's even in my book. If you didn't know, I wrote a book It's called Are You Okay? Guide to Caring for Your Mental Health. It's kind of just ah, beginner's guide when it comes to the mental health. Ah, what it is, how to get the right treatment. What are the treatment options? Who are the providers? You could see all that stuff. Um, anyways, a therapist that talks about themselves is actually not good. I think there there is a time in place like I've talked about this and videos in the past where if I am sharing, let's say my patient's father just passed away. Sorry. Gotta itch on my nose If a patient's father has passed away and they were like, You don't understand, like I don't know what it's like to lose a parent. I might at my discretion if I feel comfortable sharing share that I did lose my father when I was 21. He was 24. My dad died. Um, and I might just share a little bit about that. How I had to have lost a parent. I do understand. Unfortunately, um, I wouldn't share much about it, but I'd share it as a way for them to know that I get it and that I can empathize with their situation. And it's not, um, it wouldn't be. The rial line is, if you share as a therapist as a way to toe help your patient, you don't share as a way to help yourself. That's the difference. I know that sounds really like difficult to understand, but it's super easy when you are the therapist. You like my doing this because gonna benefit them. Or am I doing this cause it's like my own shit that I should be talking about therapy? And so that's easy, kind of line to tow, and it's easy for for me. I've never I don't share much in therapy, period, because that's your time. It's a one time in your life that the 50 minutes allotted to you, or if you do double sessions like you know, then double that. But it's that that's your time, and that's the only time in your life when you can be completely selfish. You get to talk about all the things that are bothering you. You don't have to ask the other person. Owen like, How are things for you? Are those things better? Are you doing better. You don't have to check in. It doesn't matter. It's your time. And I think that's really important. And so if your therapist is talking about themselves a lot, I really don't think it's a good thing. I just think it's weird. Even my mom, um, my mom over the years has been in and out of therapy, but we I grew up in a really small town, so the available therapists aren't that great, and I'm not saying that there's not a good one out there. I just haven't found them and have looked online and nobody writes reviews. And the area I grew up in is is definitely an older population now, so I don't even know if they go to therapy that I don't know. It's it's all sorts of crazy. And did all this research founder, one therapist like took her insurance? It seemed kind of decent. After a few session, my mom, my mom was like, Yeah, she shares a lot about her life and I was like, How so? You know? And she's like, Yeah, I told her about losing your father, and she went on this whole thing about her ex husband and went into a lot of detail and kept bringing it up. And I was like, Oh, fuck that ladies to see your own therapist And so I know I'm like, kind of off topic and all over the place. But I give you those examples to show that, like that that shouldn't be happening like I barely know anything about my therapist. I know she's Canadian because she said story once I was like, Huh? Where you from? From Toronto. I know she's married and that's it, and she's not retiring any time soon. That's all I know. And I'm fine with that. And so I really think that our therapists should share less and less about themselves like it shouldn't. It's okay for them to share when it benefits us, but that's not that often. It's a very limited amount, and I know some therapists like we'll disagree and be like, but that helps grow the relationship. It's not that kind of relationship. This isn't like a normal friendship is a therapeutic relationship, and I believe showing up for your patients being consistent, being supportive, being empathic feeling for them listening, all of that is what really grows that relationship, not over sharing on the therapist side. And so I would really encourage you to see to find a new therapist. And I think the questions there says I kind of want a new therapist. I don't know how to tell her that the best way is first of all, therapy is all about you. You don't need to worry about what they think. I know that that doesn't remove that like, but it's a human I don't want to talk to in that way. And I worry and, like, ill all the stress that we have. But I do think it's okay to write down how you want to say it, practicing at a time and plan on doing that. I'd honestly just leave a voicemail. I know that sounds bad. Maybe you'd want the closure to go into session, do what's best for you because you don't have to do it in session. Why pay for another session if you like? I don't want to see this person anymore. So all I would say is it really call and either talk to them or leave a voicemail and say something effective. Um, I'll just pretend that I'm breaking up with myself or something and be like, Hi, Katie. I just want to call and let you know that, um I will no longer be needing to see you. I'm actually going to see a different type of therapists. I just think it's a better fit for me. Um, I hope all is. Well, thank you so much for all your help over the years. If you need anything else for me for insurance billing, etcetera. You have my number. Otherwise, take care. Um, all the best buy simple. And I know that it's hard. I know. We worry about what if there it's not about them, it's I don't take it personal. It's it's your therapy. And I wanted to be the best for you. And if I'm not that good fit and then that's OK. That's just is what it iss. I don't have any problem with that. And I don't think that, um, and honestly for therapist does get their feelings hurt. Even more reason why you shouldn't be seeing them. And that's why it's like, don't you have to go in for another session unless you need the closure. Unless you want to like, I don't know, not titrate down. But if you want to like, properly, discharge from this person, But if it's not a good fit, you shouldn't spend any more time or money there. I would look for someone else, find a new person that's a better fit and stop seeing them. Just leave a message. Shoot him. I mean, email. I don't really care. Um, it is good. However, if you struggle to stand up for yourself and speak up and let's say, uh, I mean it's mainly to stand up for yourself, but let's say a friend, always like they always do what they want. They never taken in consideration how you feel. It's always what they're wanting on their time. Like no matter how much that puts you out, that might be good practice for you to go into session and in person. Say this because it's a safe space. It's the one place where you can you can say how you feel. Be anxious, nervous, talk about how you feel that way and get support in the moment. I know that sounds weird, but therapies that really cool space where I get toe, think about myself be working to better myself and my therapist holds that space for me, helps me feel comfortable. Helps me process all that I'm feeling. And yeah, and then we get to move forward. We get to learn, get to grow, right, And so it could be good practice to do it in session. I just don't have toe like I know finance, like finances are tight for a lot of us already, Um, time is difficult, and I know right now, obviously we're in the Corona virus pandemic, so it's not like you're going into their office any time soon. But even if over Skype, I think it's good practice to say it to a face, to say it out loud and like Stand up for yourself, do what's best for you. Sometimes that's hard. I have trouble with that. And so, yeah, I think that that's the advice. Find someone else, um, trust your gut when it comes to therapy. If any of you out there are like, I don't know me, my therapist, like always, you know, seem we seem to fill the 50 minutes easily, but I just don't really feel like I'm getting what I need or I don't really feel like they understand me or I don't really trust your gut with it. If you've seen them a few times and you don't feel like, Hey, they're on my side there listening to me I feel like we're on the same page. Um, you know, they're not talking about themselves. We have, like, some kind of plan and goals in place or I'm working towards If you don't feel those things than it's best to get out early, like, why waste our time and money? We might well find someone who's a better fit because I'm telling you when you find that therapist, it's a good fit that gets you and can push you and challenge you that that, like the right amount, got it so good. It's so helpful it could be super beneficial. Ikan. It literally changes your life, so don't hesitate. Okay, Question Number two. What is your take on cutting toxic family members out of your life? This got a lot of thumbs ups. I feel like it's really stigmatized in our society, especially when it comes to mothers. Yes, and I'm also not sure how to go about actually doing it in a nice way, if possible. Um, I It is interesting that it's stigmatized. People like you don't even talk to your mother anymore. You don't even talk to your parents anymore. Um, yeah, I had some fucking good reasons, and that's why I don't I know not all of us feel okay saying that. That's how I would approach that. But and I can't tell you how many times, a day or week or month all the time. I'm so grateful that my mom is like, supported, loving love. Shawn supports us. No cattiness, no manipulation. Isn't talks like, Oh, my God, I'm so grateful. Um, I think it doesn't matter if we're related. Related doesn't give you extra passes. It doesn't mean that I have to put up with your shit for longer just because we're related. I know that sounds very harsh, but it comes out of a place of love because relationships are relationships, they take work from both people. And if one person in this relationship believes that they're never wrong, believes that they're entitled Teoh explanations for why you did such a d such 20 years ago. They laundry list. I mean, If that's that type of, that's the type of really ship their ableto have, right? We have to think this is something that's kind of important has been helpful for me in my life. Is taking a moment in your relationships in general to consider what you would like out of that relationship and then compare and contrast that to what that person is able to give. This is extremely revealing and how those relationships will be able to grow in your life or not. I can tell you that saved me so much energy and time over the years. And I'm like, Hey, this person actually isn't able and it could be for a lot of reasons, right? I'm not just talking talk like they're toxic, like toxicity or anything. I'm talking like, Hey, some of my friends have little Children right now, and that is like a full time fucking job, and I appreciate them and I understand. But it's important for me instead of being upset that I don't they don't return my texts or calls or we don't get together as much anymore. It's important for me to understand my expectations and then compare that with with what they're able to give and then, you know, come to an understanding within myself, right? And even have a conversation with them about it. Like if they're one of those friends, cause I have some friends who are much like myself who over apologize and feel bad for everything that, like, I'm so sorry it wasn't ableto like you had a baby. You've got your life has been throat, you know, it's totally changed and that's okay. I'm still here. I still love you. I still want to see you. But things are different and we just have to accept that a lot of us have a tough time with that. But back onto the topic of toxic family. I we don't owe family anything. It's great if we have supportive, um, and healthy relationships with family members that that could be a wonderful support system and a wonderful, like fall back. And, uh, all the good things that can come out of family, right? Someone who gets us and understands us and supports us and loves us, um, has known as our whole lives. There's a lot of that. They can be great, However, if it's a narcissistic parent or talk just toxic someone who manipulates or gas lights or does any of those things You don't have to have them in your life. And I think that as a community, as a society, we need to change the way that we stigmatize that, because when someone says, Oh, I don't talk to my mom anymore I don't talk to my family that much. The response shouldn't be what you dio or oh my God, really, the response should be. That must have been hard, but I'd assume it's a healthy decision for you. I've said that to people I've met over the years where they have told me that they don't have any. They've gone no contact. That's what people say. I've gone no contact with insert mother, father, sister, brother, whomever. And also that must have been a tough decision. But I assume that was good for you. It feels better, and that's when you get the real answer. Because if they made that conscious decision and it's been better that then that they're like, yeah, like Thanks for getting it. It was hard for me to come around to do, but I'm so fucking glad I did. And so we as a society, have to change the way that we talk to other people about it and how we understand. So it encourage all of you out there if you're like, Hey, this isn't my life or I'm not going through this Consider what I just said and try to remember that if this ever comes up so that we slowly change the conversations because I think the sooner we can cut those people out of our lives better and I don't mean just like any time anybody wrongs you just. But if there's a pattern of behavior, if there's a pattern of disrespect, a pattern of entitlement, of manipulation, of gas sliding, of just the shitty behaviors that can lead to anxiety, depression, um, I've even have patients eating disorder, self injury, suicidal thought they can lead to all sorts of mental health issues. That's not a good place for us. That's a kin to going into ah, home and staying in there when everybody has the flu and you don't and you're like I'm Mohammed Khan. Catch this cause you're probably gonna catch it. That's like we can't put ourselves in these unhealthy, nasty, icky situations with people who are terrible and be expected to like be okay. Is this not safe? It's not safe for us. It like, I guess a better example would be like if your child was just learning toe walk, would you put them in a room with a chipped on? A sharp objects, Yo. And that's what this is. It's like we're taking our mental health then our wellness, and we're putting in this really toxic, unhealthy, unsafe environment. And so I truly believe the sooner we can cut those people out of our lives, the better if they want to apologize and make amends and try to come back. That's up to you whether you want to hear them out, whether you want a potentially try again. But going back to a video that I put on my channel, uh, that this last week, I think it was this Monday. Yeah, was last Monday like a few days ago. Anyway, that video forgiveness versus reconciliation is super important. T notice like it's OK if they come around, they won't apologize. And you say I forgive you. It's OK, um but that doesn't mean you have to be friends with them or be in a relationship anymore or see them ever. It doesn't mean that we can forgive and forget and not have them in our lives. So just keep that in mind, because I really think that we by and large in my experience, if people were able to cut out toxic family members sooner rather than later, the only thing that would have changed is all the trauma and pain that we've been through. It would've been lessened significantly. I mean, I have patients who have tried to go back to be in a relationship again with, like, a past abusive parent, and it it only gets worse than that. There's more trauma on top of it cause that person hasn't changed. We have changed. And so I guess, in summary, cause I could really talk about this for a long time. In summary, I support cutting out toxic family members, and the sooner the better. We can always come back and try to If if they've changed and we've changed, we want to try again. That's up to our discretion at the time. However, I it life is too fucking short. I only have so much time everyday. You only have so much time everyday, right? We don't have the time to deal with this anymore. Especially because when someone's talks like her, narcissistic or anti social or, um, manipulative in any way. I don't have that kind of time and energy. I'm sorry. Actually, no, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry at all. I'm I'm disappointed. Disappointed with their ability to be in a relationship with me, and I wish it were different. But that doesn't mean that I have to go against my own self worth wellness, mental health to make it OK for them. That does. That's not how this works. How this works is a relationship with me and a relation with you, right? Those air privileges that people earn through trust and growth and understanding and mutual respect in and support. And if they can't? If I wouldn't be friends with them, why would you know? Why would I love them? To be in my life at all? That's the thing about family. For some reason, we we tend to hold our friends and other people in our lives to these higher standards. Meanwhile, letting our family to shit all over us, and so I just really think the sooner we can cut them out the better. Um, because it's those patterns. If you look for a pattern, as has been happening for more than a couple of years, it's too long. I think that's the time to be like, You know what? We can talk. We could be cordial to each other at the Christmas party or whatever, every year that our family has or that Thanksgiving dinner. We can deal with it then, but that's it. And I think that's fair, and I don't think there's anything wrong with it. There's too much trauma in the world. There's too much upset. There's too much stress. There's too much going on already for for me or any of us to be putting in time and energy into someone who's not doing the same for us. Um, yeah, I hope that makes sense because I follow ups. This is something I'm really open to talking about just because it is so common. We put up with shit from family way more than we would for friends from friends, And I don't think, uh, it's not right. They're all relationships and they should be treated equally, kind of going back to. And this is the last thing I'll say about this, Um, the video I had about, ah in a relation with the narcissist and like, if your parents a narcissist, um, in their on both of them I mentioned that we don't owe our parents anything. I think a lot of people like your mother birthed you and like it took care of. Yeah, they decided to have a child, and then she dealt with all the things that go along with this. I didn't have a child. It's not that I don't love my mom or I'm not grateful to her, but that doesn't give her carte blanche to do whatever the fuck she wants in my life. To me, that's not a parent. That's a toxic, manipulative, potentially narcissistic person. And they don't have any place in my life or in my brain. Even, um so, yeah, we don't owe our parents anything. And so, for those who are in situations like this, I want to go back to remind you that like we need to change the way we talk about this. If someone tells you. They don't talk to their family. Um, or a certain member of their family. The response should be something like that. Must have been hard for you. I assume it was a good choice. And we just let them teach us. We don't assume we don't jump to judgment. We we engage in healthy, helpful, supportive conversation. Cool. Cool. Okay. Question number three. Hi, Katie. I'm a college student with bpd that lost my apartment and is now living with my family while doing college online. I know a lot of you're in this situation. It's terrible. Do you have any tips on asking for more space during this pandemic? I think the thing that we're all missing with this because trust me, Sean and I are stuck in the apartment, and we work from home normally. But I get out of the house at least once a day for a few hours. You guys. So this is been hard on both of us. Because even though Shawn's onto social as I am, I'm not here. So he gets his time here. Do you? What? I mean, it's just like, ah, is this comfortable routine we've gotten into Where we both get our needs met simultaneously. Um, And so when it comes to family and space during the pandemic, because trust me, I have heard from a lot of you that you're like, back at home. And you're like, I haven't lived a home for, like two years. What the What's going on? Why am I here? It's is terrible. Um, we have to communicate. That's the key, because I've said this before. But expectations without communication are just resentments in the making. And I think it was Casey Nice. That's wife Candace, who said that on their podcast is like years ago, Um and I just loved it so much. It's so true. And so when it comes to family, we have to learn to communicate. And I think the West way to do it. Is it first of all, is not blaming. There's no you always You did this. It's I need okay. I feel I need I would like it would be nice if I could get um, those Airways. We want to frame our language. And so when it comes to speaking of family, to be like, Hey, I need more time or more are not more trying more space. I think it's something to the effect of like, um before before we're in it. We don't want to yell at anybody in the moment when they popped into the room and we're like, Hey, dude, I told you I needed some space. Get the fuck out. We don't want to with them. We want to do it ahead of time. So let's say we need on our of alone time to do our work books or to maybe to do therapy or we want a journal or we just want to sit in silence with our ear buds in and listen to music. I don't know whatever we have to tell people. So we have to tell, um, if you have a younger sibling and they're just going to go against because you told them, Then just tell your parents, tell somebody who's responsible and not a dick. Okay, so tell whoever parent siblings, people in the house be like, Hey, you guys, um, I know this sounds silly, but I'm gonna go into my room or into the officer into the whatever whatever area, and I just I just need some time for like an hour. Is that cool? I can set a timer if you guys want. Oh, but I just need that time to, like, do my own thing. That's all the most like, most often the responsibility. Like a Yeah. Yeah, whatever. Uh, and you just say Okay, Cool. So just, uh you guys don't mind, like, just, you know, get leave me alone for about an hour and you could even say like, Hey, this has been hard on all of us Were all film will store crazy. I'm just gonna go in the back by myself. Can you guys like, leave me alone for about an hour? Most will be like, Yeah, and say, even if you need something that hopefully can just wait, okay? And then we're just gonna reinforce. So if we tell them Hey, I just need this hour this half hour. Whatever this group of time, I'd start smaller, like, half hour hours. I wouldn't do like, Hey, I need the day get out of my face. Because that's a lot for people. So starting with those small increments and then if someone comes in, you can say like, hey, remember I said I need a space. So I need my our, um Can I talk to about this later? Okay. And if nobody bugs you, then when you come out from taking your break, you have to, like, hold to your boundaries around it, right? Like it needs to be about an hour. Don't go like just disappearing forever. Because we want to come out after an hour and say, I know this. It was it seemed silly or I know that it this seems like a small ah thing that you did. But I'm really grateful for you for giving me that our because I want to reinforce positive behavior, right? That's something that we want them to keep doing. And we want to tell them that we're grateful. And so that's what I would just do is like if you need more space, if it can feel like people are just everywhere and like for my friends who have kids are like they're always touching me. And I want to climb on me and a little you, you know, communicating to your spouse that Hey, I need 30 minutes by myself. Can you handle that? And then I'll give you a 30 minute by yourself. We all need the space. We just have to communicate so we can plan for it. And then we can try to reinforce good behavior. We can reinforce them, allowing us toe have that space and to take that time alone. Um, but its new for all of us were used to, like the ebb and flow of life. And, like, you know, you don't have your apartment. Any works? You were in college, and now you're not. So why rent another space? I totally get it. So it's like I'm at home, but shit, I don't wanna be a home like I understand it all. Um, but we just have to take that time to communicate, and it's gonna feel weird. It's gonna feel silly. And you'll probably get some snide remark from, like, a siblings like now, whenever you're not well, but that doesn't matter. We have to practice. We have to start telling them what we need and then telling them. Thank you for giving me that, because believe it or not, after you said it for a while. Even that, like, bratty sibling that you might have will say I know I know you need your space like they'll cut you off while you're trying to say it again. They get sick of it. But that means they hear you. That means they understood and they learned it perfect. Then we're primed to get the time that we need. Cool. It kind of reminds me not to bring this back to sex in the city, but man, that shows so good when Aidan moves in with Carrie, if you're not a Sex and City person, maybe to skip ahead like 30 seconds. But when Aidan moves in with Carrie, she just has, like, a studio apartment. It's it's kind of like a one better in the way it's set up, but there's no wall, so it's technically just a studio. And she's like every time she's venting to a girl first. Like every time I walk in the door, he's like we're given who you see what you do it and she's like, I just need to breathe like it's living with Someone is different. He's in her space. She's not used to it. A lot of us air feeling that I'm not used them in my space. Why do they asked all these questions. Why are they always talking to me? I don't want talk anymore. And then she tells him, When I first get home for like, an hour or 30 minutes, I forget the time. She's like, I want to pretend I'm not here. Just want to come in. I want to sit down its needs some quiet time And he's like, OK, and so when she then she's like, I'm just gonna We don't any walls or doors. Someone's gonna close these blinds and she sits on her bed and then she says something that's really interesting. She's like, the thing about space is, once you have it, you realize maybe you didn't need it as much as you thought. And I don't know if this rings true for this person, but I'm that way. I just need to have I need to be able to give myself the permission for the space, because then I can take it whenever I want. It doesn't feel like a thing that I can't have. Um, anyway, I just like that that episode and I like the message and it is the communication, Um, when she didn't do the best job of communicating it. But Aiden's wonderful in super sweet, so he just understood. Okay, question Number four. How can I cope with my parents being toxic to each other all the time? This got a ton of thumbs up as well, and I think a lot of us are stealing family and family is rough. Trust me. The holidays in like the therapy world, are super super busy because everybody's coming in to try to figure out how to deal with their relatives in general. So right now we're all dealing with it, and it's hard. Something about parents being toxic to each other is just say thank you, Jesus, God, whoever all being power, something Thank you universe for not being directed at me. And then we walk away. I know that sometimes you like, but they're screaming in the house and I have to hear them. Put your buds and do your own thing. Get out of that situation. It is not up to us to interject into anybody else's relationship and tell them to stop. Then that just turns the upset onto us potentially and brings us into it, which will only make her think like our days Worse Also again, we have to remember we can't control other people. Nothing I do is going to make someone do something else. I know this is hard. Trust me. I struggled with this all the time as well. But it's just something that we have to remember to keep telling ourselves. Hey, I can't control anybody else if I'm putting all of my energy and thought until like if they would just do X y z and then I'd be happy. We're never going to be happy. You're putting all the pure giving them all the power. Take the power back. Take it back in the way that we do that is we control ourselves. So in this situation, if your parents are being assholes yelling to each other Ah, I give you permission to get up from the table if there's dinner and be like, I'm gonna eat in the other room. You guys, I don't wanna be around you fighting. Okay, we can do that if they start shouting. You're watching TV. You get up, you leave the room, you go do something else. Um, you could just avoid it as much as possible because we can't make them do anything you can if you feel safe enough, and if it's okay, not when they're doing it. But at another time, say, toe one of your parents or both of them. Hey, you guys have been like yelling each other law, and it's hard to be around, You know, if you guys what's going on, like, have you guys thought about, you know, maybe talking to a therapist or or what's the problem? You know, you can get into it then if you want, but again, that's not gonna make it better. That's not gonna make them do anything. That's just you calling it out. And that's all we can dio. We can check in. We can call it out. We could be like hail. I've heard of talk space or better help. You could do online couples counseling that might help. Everybody's having a tough time now. You could normalize, but in the end, at the end of the day, it's up to them to want to get better and want to fix it, and that's not on us. We can't do anything. All we can do is check in support and protect ourselves. We don't need to be around that toxic bullshit. We can walk away. We can get up and walk away and go do something else. And I would encourage you to do that. I would encourage you to just take the space and time you need it and kind of back to that other question about how do you ask for space? I would, you know, you could practice that to say it because, man, it is exhausting. It's hard to be around unhappy people all the time on especially like shouting. And they're your parent is just so complicated. It's so uncomfortable. So the sooner we get out of that situation, I think the better. So, yeah, limit your amount of time around them. Okay? How we doing? Work good on time. I'm Cruise and you guys were moving more quickly last week. I definitely rambled, but sometimes it's fun to get off on tangents and my like, Let my thoughts just couldn't take me where they want to go. Okay. Question number five. What types of experiences are considered traumatic for an experience to have been traumatic? Does a person have to fear for their life or can it be the things that can it be. Things air just emotionally or psychologically distressing. I love this question and I will be get excited. I will be writing a book all about trauma, and one of the chapters is specifically catered towards this question because I think a lot of people don't know what's considered a trauma and actually video from I don't even know. But I would even add to it a little bit more from back in the day where I'm like what's traumatizing or what is. What does it mean to be like something to be traumatic? And the truth about it is it's like two parts number one. In order for something to be considered a trauma, we have to fear for our life or the life of someone else. That's kind of how it's been talked about throughout the years. However, the more that we learn about trauma and the way that it affects our brain and our behaviours and things like that, the more they say that, yes, that can be a component of it. But the bigger picture and really what trauma? What means what it means for something be traumatizing is it's too much for our brain to process in the moment. It's too upsetting. It's too overwhelming. It's too scary. It's to whatever for it to be processed in that moment because everyone's level of ability to process going to be different. And some of us who have already been traumatized, let's say, already a PTSD. I'm more likely to feel traumatised by another similar situation, even if it's not as intense. Because of that past experience right, that would make complete logical sense to me. And so in a way, or like um, also in my book, I'll be talking about, like, trans generational trauma, like if our parents, uh, you know, let's say our mom was had had complex PTSD and have been abused and, um and so she acted in a certain way around men who looked a certain way around us or situations, and so we pick up on that and we can have trauma responses without personally being traumatised. It's like trickle down from our mom. And so I say all of that to just say that if something is overwhelming, it's overwhelming to our system. It's too much for us to process. That will be considered traumatic because if you don't remember, I talk about the trauma memories, like from the movie inside out. The I love that film. I can't talk about it enough, but her memories This little girl's memories are marbles that they roll away. And, um, traumatic memories are. They aren't they aren't able to be formed into marbles like a story, because that's how we usually, uh, create memories through narratives through storytelling. But because thumb something's too overwhelming right, we can't process that we can't put it in story form. We don't even know what to think about it. And so it can't be made into that marble. And so it's like as our brains trying to put it together. It's like, um um, it's thinking it's processing and it's like I can't do this well, and the marble drops and shatters all over the floor, and that's a trauma memory. It's too much to process. We can't put it into a story. We can't put it away. We can't file it. Um, it doesn't mean that we can't heal through it and get better because we can. But that's that's how that's what's traumatic. I hope that kind of makes sense. So what types of experiences are considered to anything that's too overwhelming for your system? You don't have time to process it for inexperienced to have just been traumatic or for an experience toe have been traumatic. Does a person to fear for the life that they used to think that that was the only cap? That only reason. But I It's much more than that. So, yeah, can't Things could just be emotionally or psychologically distressing. Correct? Um, yeah, and I'll be learning more as I would do research for the book cause I'm just, like, just starting. So there's a lot more books and research than any to read and a consult with a bunch of my colleagues. Dr. Alex Altman will be one of them. She's a wonderful trauma specialist and great friend of mine. So yeah, so hopefully that helps. And I think that there's just so much talk about when it comes to trauma. There's a lot of misconceptions and mis understandings, right? PTSD comes. I don't if you guys know this, but if you looked up like shell shocked, that's what they used to call it before they had post traumatic stress disorder. It was men coming back from war. That's where they noticed it. And trust me, trauma happens more frequently outside of war than it does in war. But it took a huge group of people coming back with the same symptoms for us to recognize it. So, um yeah. Anyway, off on a tangent. But that things to come next year. Okay? Question number six. How can I stop imagining terrible situations and reliving embarrassing moments? Please? Oh, my God. This is so common. I've even had I have a tough time with us. What this really is is anxiety. If you re watch my video about generalized anxiety disorder, you'll you'll hear me talk about how it is. Ah, it's like overwhelming worry that no matter what we do to try to stop the worry, it doesn't stop. So uncontrollable. Worry, I think, is what they call it. Um, and that's what this is. Because we're reliving Onley terrible and embarrassing situation. So it's like that anxiety mind is going crazy and spinning, and I there's a couple of things we can do. First of all, talk to a therapist. I find that my rumination or nighttime thoughts about bad situations, things I've done stupid things. I've said that one time I was rude to this person and I feel bad about it or Oh, my God, people are gonna hate that video ideas film. I mean, I could worry about everything you guys trust me. So when that's happening, I do some thought stopping techniques That could be everything from like just last night, for instance, I started stressing out because today was a super busy day. I had to film two videos. I want to do a funny tick talk. I have this podcast. And then I had a couple little snippets of videos that I had to put together for World for Mental Health Month in May. Tried a bunch of shit to create today and last night I started going through my head of like, Oh my God and I have all this stuff. How much stuff? Um, you know, I have to do look like worrying thinking about it, you know? And I started, like, Maxie myself out getting super stress, and I get, like, hot and sweaty like it's like stress sweat. It's horrible. You guys so annoying and then I can't sleep is that I'm hot. I'm uncomfortable. My mind is racing. It's a bad spiral. But what I did is earlier in the day, I'd felt really, really calm. I was watching a rerun of sex in the city, the love charade, one where they go to the wedding in the Hamptons. And I felt really calm and it was just nice because it was like outdoor wedding, the lilacs and the music. And everybody loves a wedding. And, uh, you know, it was just a nice, warm summer days what I imagined. And so I started taking myself there in my brain. I was like, I don't have time for all this word like, it's not gonna help me to think about tomorrow right now at all, because I've already prepared. I've done everything I need to dio like, Let's knock this off. So I I started thinking about lilacs, and that's lilac bush that my grandma used tohave annul it smelt. So I started taking myself through all the things in the summer nights and like like the Fourth of July, So that's what I do for thought stopping after I've told you guys a lot to like, tell yourself a favorite memory, but you can even just name things and, like let your brain take you through battle memories and little tidbits that you associate with that. Like me going into, like all of some in the Fourth of July And, like at my grandma's house, is a kid and my brother. My dad lied enough fireworks use Guy could go. I could just tell you a whole bunch of stories right now. And you know what? I fell asleep. Boom, fell asleep. It was amazing. So when you find yourself just ruminate on these terrible situations and he's embarrassing things, you need to force your brain to stop and you take it somewhere else because not gonna help you at all. And I really believe that at the root of it, it's It's an anxiety problem. It's something to do with our anxious mind or even depression a little bit, because it's like Onley the negative. But if you don't know if you haven't heard me talk about this, our brain is wired to seek out. Threat makes sense, right? We assess our environments. We look for things that could be harmful or threatening to us, and that works when we're cave men or women and we hear a bear in the bushes because we can run away and not die. It's amazing, keeps us alive, Thank God, however, it doesn't suit us so well when we are in modern day. Like, for instance, if that's part of that wiring is what makes it easier for me to remember all the negative comments over the 1000 hundreds and hundreds of thousands of nice comments Always remember like that one negative one so annoying. And then I can like, ruminate and think about that, like for like, all day, all night. It's terrible, but that's because our brains kind of wired switch like rewire. It's like a new muscle. We have to pull it away from those negative, not serving our life or our movement forward thoughts, and we need to put it into a place that's like, totally different. I don't necessarily think in order to stop these, we have to, like, move it into positive thoughts because not all negative thoughts have to be like turned positive. Some of the negative thoughts are just bullshit that we just don't need to think about anymore. I don't need to say like, Oh, that situation wasn't really that bad. Let's look for some silver lining. No, it I just don't think about it's over. I can't go back in time. I can't change it because trust me, I've been there to have done things that been have been embarrassing, like guys that the number of embarrassing, stupid things I've done over the years is analyst cause I'm a human, too, and it's not going to me to go to think about him. So instead, I'm gonna take my brain somewhere else. And so that's really the best thing is just a thought stopping and then getting treatment for the anxiety talking to a therapist That could be medication if that's something that you think would benefit you, Um, but I really just and I even have an anxiety workbook. If you guys didn't know you could go over to the iBook store and just search Katie Morton anxiety. I think it should come up, and I think it's like a buck or two bucks. Um, six videos, six chapters, all about anxiety. I did a ton of research. This has been a couple years ago. Now um, you condone Download it on your iPad or your phone and you can access it that way. Um, and hopefully that's helpful to. And I also a ton of free videos about anxiety if you want to learn more. But I really think that that's what's feeding this and making this so much more difficult for you to like, get over and to stop thinking about um But trust me, I do it, too, And it's an exercise. We It's a new muscle, so be kind and compassionate to yourself. Don't be like, Oh, why are you thinking about that again? You're so stupid. No. Then we just created a whole another negative thoughts by role. So dry toe, Keep it more positive. Okay, okay. Question number seven. Is it normal to constantly wonder what your therapist thinks of you or to replay a session in your head and think about how you should have said Mawr or said more or said some things differently? I really like this question that's got a lot of thumbs up as well. I think it's normal to wonder what your therapist thinks of you a little bit, but if it's constant and the worry is like, I don't know what's a good word for it, I guess. Like, palpable, like you could just feel that it's everywhere. It's like no matter where you turn there it is. That's a problem. And I really think that this isn't an anxiety. And that's kind of why I paired these together is the question before about like stopping those thoughts and re plane sessions and your head. It's the same type of thought pattern, and we all get stuck in these thought patterns. And so what I would tell you to do my advice for this is to do the things I said earlier, like get treatment for anxiety, which you already seen a therapist. So that's awesome, Um, and do some thought stopping techniques, but because you're already in therapy, I think it's amazing, and it would be super super helpful for you to bring this up in therapy. Tell your therapist Hey, I like replay these sessions forever, and it drives me crazy, and I think it might be anxiety driven. I'm not sure, but I had to tell you about it because I hate it. Excuse me, had to, um, but saying that bring it up, Giving yourself the opportunity to talk about it and process and figure out why it's happening could be really validating, really helpful. So that's what I would encourage you to do is to bring it up in therapy and process it through because it's not normal to constantly worry. It's normal to wonder, like because I, over the years of periodically been like, I wonder if my therapist thinks I'm like an asshole. Or does she think that I'm like a good therapist in my own practice? Or does she think them doing this wrong? Or, like, does she think that I don't even need therapy? I've had all the thoughts, but I don't let it bother me outside of like 5 10 minutes after session, or maybe 5 10 minutes leading to session or something, and that's it. And so we want to get you to that place where it's not like a constant thought or worry in your mind. It's like something that's there, but you're like, you know, whatever. Um, so yeah, but I I think it's anxiety driven. That will be my my hypothesis. So, yeah, bring it up. She'll help you talk it through. Figure it out. Um, and it will get better, but keep us posted. Okay? Okay. Question number eight. Hi, Katie. I was wondering how, um how you recommend dealing with the feeling that you're leading a double life. This is the second time this kind of a question has come up or been posed to me in one way or another in the last like week. So it's really interesting specifically, in the sense of being around family who don't know about your mental health issues. I think this is why Because we're all home, probably such as anxiety eating disorders, trauma and your sexuality. I know that I'm keeping this information private for a whole host of reasons that pertain to my family's role, my mental health issues. But I still feel incredibly guilty for lying. I also in struggling because it's really draining to have to keep so much secret when I'm home from college, 100% agree. Keeping secrets is exhausting, and it's easier told the truth, but not in this case necessarily. But that's why when people say they would rather lie about something like consider the energy that goes into that because it does take a lot of energy. But this is tricky and a lot of us feel this way. And I think that if you're out there and you're like, I feel this way, too. But my family is not so terrible and I don't really think that they are the reasons for my mental health issues. Then I think it's important that we learned how to talk about it and communicate that to them. And that's something we can role playing therapy until we feel confident and comfortable saying it. Because if there is a way for us to not lead a double life, I would encourage that. However, in this person's case, because they said their family doesn't know about their mental health issues and it's, you know, they pertains of their role in it, meaning it's not the healthiest situation, so we don't want them to know and for good reason. Um, I think I think it's all about how we talk to ourselves about it, and I know that that sounds really simplistic and you like he doesn't really complicated. Yes, it is a very complicated situation. However, I do believe it goes back to how we talk to ourselves about it. This isn't really leading a double life. I know it feels that way because you're stuck at home. However, normally it's like I lead my life. They lead their life and they don't need to know everything about my life. That's the conversation with ourselves about it. Just because their family kind of going back to like cutting ties with family toxic family members. If it's in the same vein, is this OK? So think about it that way. Like, Hey, um, if I didn't have to be home right now, I wouldn't cause I don't really like being around them that much, and they definitely haven't been the best, and that's kind of why I'm struggling with these things. So I live my life and they live their life and they don't have to know everything about my life. And it's just giving yourself the permission to not share everything. And I know you feel like your lot. You have to lie and like I would if you can. If there are ways I would try to avoid line as much as possible. I know that's not always possible, but as much as possible that keep the conversation away from that stuff. And if if they ask you a pointed question about your sexuality or mental health issues, you can't. You know, I give you full permission to lie when you need to, But I'm just saying that that might help us. Well, if you feel like you can get around having, like, thes lighthearted conversations and keeping things like a certain surface level, you know, then that might help you feel better, because then it's like you're not really leading a double life. You're talking like normally about things you're comfortable talking about. Um and it might also be helpful for you to take some time to consider. Like, what? You're okay with them Knowing what? You're not okay. It sounds like there are pretty cut and dried lines. But even just thinking about that giving your brain time to process it and figure that out can keep you from feeling like like they've poked a button and you have to lie or you get upset. You know what I mean? It can help us feel more in control of the narrative and how we talk to family. That would deal with family, Um, but again, it's just how you talk to yourself about it. You have your life, they have theirs and they don't have to know everything about yours. That doesn't mean it's a double life. It's It's really what you're allowing them to know about you and what you're not allowing them to know about you. And not every person in our life has to know everything about us. And just because their family doesn't give them permission or give, UH, doesn't excuse bad behavior mean that they should be able to know everything and have access to everything about us. Does that make sense? It's kind of like it's a privilege for them to be included in your life, and right now they just they can't be part of it because they're not. They're not holding up their end and it's not safe, and you don't need to apologize for that. You don't need to feel bad about that, Really. The thing is, and I know this might be, and I'm just rambling. Sorry, but my thoughts on this air more about like maybe you have to grieve it a little, too, because there is that thing going back to. I think it's the 1st 2nd question. Where is talking about what relationship? The expectations you have for their relation, what you wish was happening and then what they're able to give. And we have to, like, figure that out, and then we have to grieve the difference. And that is just a huge part of therapy for me. When relationships have ended in the past or have had, um, you know, fights with people in my life. It's like if we can grieve that difference like I wished it could be this way. I wish they could show up for me. And I wish they could be understanding and supportive and loving. Um, like then we look at what they're able to give him. Were like, Well, hey, they really can't show up for me there, there, there or there. But they can, um, they can be supportive about school. They can be supportive about my friends and my interest in music or, I don't know, come up with a few things. But those are the things that they can do. And so that's what I'm going to focus on. Um, and I'm gonna give myself time and allow myself give us a permission to grieve those things that aren't included in what they can give us. Um, and yes, it's hard. And yes, it's painful. But what that means is that then we feel like it's gonna gonna lead to us feeling what's the word, you guys? I mean, it's kind of like it's gonna allow us to kind of, ah, relax into that relationship versus what we're probably doing, which is fighting it in like I hate it and that they're gonna catch me at this lie in that life instead of looking at that way. It's like, Hey, I can't They can't be a part of these things because they can't show up for me that way. But they can be a part of these other things. And if they ask about those other things, I'm just going to say, you know, I'd rather not talk about it. And on their business, that's okay. Or you can lie. It doesn't matter and you see what I mean, how it shifts it. It's like grieving that difference, being honest with ourselves about what they're able to give and noticing ourself. Talk about it is really the key to it. And, yes, it takes time. And yes, it's like building a new muscle is gonna be difficult a little bit, but it does get easier. It does get better. And it won't be as draining then because we'll have processed it because my guess is the draining is cause you're like, uh, you're putting on a show. And what if we stopped? We don't have to put on a show. We don't have to tell them everything, but we also don't have to, like, put on a show. Like if they ask about things like, Oh, it's just hard being home. You know, with all this Corona virus stuff, it's just I'm tired. That's okay. No one's gonna question that. And now it's not their business. Even if they do. No, I'm just tired. You know, we have to try to think of ways where we don't feel like we have to lie as much and feel like, you know, um and you know that it won't be forever. That's another good thing to, especially with all this pandemic ship. It's like, Yes, I think it's gonna last longer than we'd like. It already is for honest, but it's not gonna be forever. Um, so there is an end in sight. Um, but yeah, I hope that that helps. I know I was kind of all over the place with that one, but I really think it's important that, like that we grieve that loss of what we would like in a relationship in what they're able to give and then give ourselves permission to keep them out of our life. That's that conversation we have with ourselves. They don't just because their family doesn't give them access and doesn't entitle them to information. Um, it sucks. It sucks. One family is not supportive. And they're part of the reason that we struggle so much. Um, but that doesn't mean that they get to call the shots and and ask for information and be involved in everything. Actually, kind of means opposite. It means, like, if they can't be there for us, then we just get to push them out. So just Yeah, I hope that makes sense. I feel like I'm kind of scattered, but I but those are my thoughts about it. Okay. Question number nine. What to do when therapy gets too hard. I have certain topics I just cannot discuss for, um for no obvious reason. They're just bad childhood experiences that I could never get over. I tried many times talk about in therapy, but I always end up retreating and running away from their be altogether. When I push myself, I'm just completely stuck. I've been like this for over a year now. This also got a ton of thumbs up, and this will be the last question that I address on here. Um, I think we have to find So I've talked about this a lot in the past. How When we're in therapy as a therapist, I feel like I'm trying to, like, break into your information house. I know that sounds weird and creepy, but it's just how I visualize it like, Oh, the front door's locked or not letting me in. Go check the windows. Maybe I can scale the wall, get in to the balcony and that door will be open. I know that sounds really weird, but it's just the visualization for me. I love I love that. So trying to find a way in and it sounds like for this person they haven't found a way in and a lot of us haven't. We can feel like the things that we think and worry about We can't really talk about And we don't really know why. And the when we push we shut down or we find ourselves not wanting to go back and in the cycle perpetuates right. So my my goal for the for you would be too. Find a therapist. That seems good. Decent. You like them there? They seem to be on your side. They listen to you there. Their empathic the care. That's it. Okay. We want to find someone that feels safe and is a good fit. No want to slowly get to know them and tell them that we tend to shut down and retreat after being pushed in therapy. Maybe we try journaling. Maybe we try creating videos. I had a patient years ago who, um, used to create videos and then send them to me. Is unlisted link. I know. For a lot of you're like, Oh, my God, that's terrifying. Like what? If accidentally put it live? I don't know, but I'm just giving you some ideas. It could be on your phone. You could just record the video, send it straight over an email. I don't know. There's a lot of different things that we can do to get the information out, to push ourselves to talk more. That doesn't have to involve us just talking straight up in therapy. When a therapist as a question, cause most of my patients I'll be honest, are not great at that. They're not great at me asking direct questions and them answering directly. They get better over time. But a lot of it is like them trying to, like, change the subject, make a joke. Ah, some even try to manipulate like, Oh, I'm just not feeling up And they pretend that associate, I'm like, I know you. You didn't do the thing with your arms first and like, come back here like let's not, you know, we do all these sorts of things to get out of it, which is kind of ironic, because we may take all the time finding therapy and getting in to see a therapist and paying for it and all that shit only to avoid it. But trust me, I get it. It's hard and that things that you don't want to talk about are the things you need to talk about the most, since it's so It's so tricky. So I think overall, it's best for us to try other ways. Try video. Try writing it. Try Bullet pointing it out. Bring it up in therapy, for sure. Make sure you tell your therapist like, Hey, I have a tough time. There's certain topics. I just can't really talk about it. I don't understand, and maybe they can help you. It says that they're bad childhood experiences that I could never get over. So maybe a trauma specialist will be best. Um, I think it's It's very normal, and I'm curious what end up Retreating to run away from therapy altogether. I wonder if there's dissociation in there as well in session or not. Maybe not, Um, but it comes from us trying to find a new way to communicate in a new way to get it out, and then you got a white knuckle. It sometimes therapies hard. You guys. I've never pretended to tell you that therapies like easy and like presto fix. So I wish I've been in and out of therapy for years and years and years. And I even during this pandemic, I'm like, I think I need a new therapist like I love Janna, but it's just not as good as it was anymore, like before, because I think I need someone who's a little bit tougher and I've tried to tell her and maybe I'll try, you know? So you just think about these things and it's expensive to like I'm paying cash cause my insurance is shit. So whatever. Anyway, let's not get into me. This isn't about me, it's about you. But therapy is really hard, and at some point you're gonna have to say, I got to go back. I don't want to, but I got to go back because I don't like the way I feel and that's really it. Trust me. I've had patients in meetings or treatment centers, tryto like flee the compound like try to run away, and I'm like, Oh, I mean, you can couldn't run away if you want. That's fine. Like it's not a locked facility, either by the boy, but I know how hard therapy is. I'm just saying that to say, like people want to run away and not come back. I have taken breaks and therapy when I'm like I probably should have kept going. You have to keep pushing yourself. It has to come from us because that's where the hard work is anyway, right, like a therapist can only work as hard as we work. And if we're not working hard, they can't do anything for us. So I say all of that to say, like, find another way to communicate it And sometimes you have to fucking push yourself and I know it's uncomfortable. I know you probably don't like it. I know it's hard, uhm, but we've gotta keep pushing and it I think it's all about the timing. And I think finding the right therapist will really, really help this because even when you say like, you know, certain topics can't discuss there's ways around that. I have patients for years and years who have always said like, Oh, well, you know. But I don't talk about stuff with my dad like, and that's clearly the main reason that their self injuring or having depression, depressive symptoms or panic attacks or whatever and I'm like, OK, I hear you Okay, so tell me about your mom like we just start with somebody else. Something else, a different topic that slowly leads back to that person because I find that we when we say I just can't talk about this. It's too hard, It's hard, but we've We've told ourselves that lie for so long that we like believe it. I can't talk about that, not It's difficult, and I haven't figured out how to properly do it. So even in that, maybe it's changing the way that you talk to yourself about this. It's not therapies too hard, and I can't do it. And as soon as they try to talk about, I have to leave because that's not the truth. That's a past experience, and I don't believe our past experience have to dictate our current and our future. So maybe instead of saying when you know all of that, you say therapy has been difficult in the past, and I haven't quite figured out how to process some of my childhood experiences. But I'm I'm working on it, okay, that's like a bridge statement, right? We're kind of like living in the possibility that maybe and so I'd encourage you to spend time doing that. I encourage you to think about it that way and encourage you to go try to find another way to communicate about what's going on. Um, yeah, because therapy is hard. It's not going to get any easier. But we do need to find a good match from a really a good, maybe potentially trauma therapist if you can. And then we're gonna have to push ourselves. We have to do the work and you have to keep coming back. It's hard, but kind of not to quote a but keep coming back. It works if you work it. They say that in all the meetings, if you guys don't know, I usedto take the patients at the end a sort of treatment center to a A meetings twice a week because we had a lot of people who also struggled with substance abuse issues. Um, and open meetings, obviously, for if it even you're worried. Um, anyway, so go the open meetings and it would always say that and I would like that. I'd be like, Yeah, you got to keep coming back. It works. If you work it and thats therapy. It's gonna be hard. It's not comfortable. You might not want to talk about certain things for a while. You don't have to talk about them right up front, but you're gonna have to get to it like when you're ready and when it's when it's OK. And you're gonna have to challenge yourself to do that. Um, trust me, I know it's not easy, and but that's where the growth and that comes from. And that's where therapy really starts to work. So give it a try. I hope that that helps. Um, I think that's it. Worried about an hour. Thank you all so much for listening. I hope this was helpful. The questions were great. You guys have some. I still I'm gonna pull some more for next week from the same community post. So if you're listening now and you're like shit, I didn't get my question and go to my Katie Morton channel. Go into the community tab and there's a post that says, Hey, I'm filming another episode of a k A. And leave your questions below. So pop them in there. I haven't pulled those ones yet. Um, but yeah. Thank you guys for listening. Thanks for thanks for being around. Thanks for hanging out with me. And I will see you. Next time I ask her about your therapist or vent about work. You can ask her about your self esteem or why your feelings for ask her breakups suck or why you hit a inquire off questions you boys want. Thio, Katie.