IDENTITY & ESTRANGEMENT

Are you aware of the growing trend of young adults to go "no contact" with their parents?

Elizabeth Bernstein of the Wall Street Journal published an article recognizing this trend with statistics and professionals offering opinions.

Why is going "no contact" a trend? What's contributing? What are the generations doing well and not doing well?

This podcast offers themes and life coaching tools for thought and consideration if you are experiencing a strained or estranged relationship with your adult child.

No regret, only hope!

IDENTITY. 

BACKSTORY. 
CHANGE THE STORY. 
FOR HIS GLORY.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

IDENTITY & ESTRANGEMENT

My hope and prayer in doing this podcast is to present a balanced perspective for a trend that is alarming. What is the trend? The trend of going “no contact”. While my generation is at the season of life of burying our elderly parents, our hearts are dying a slow death. This is the silent grief that parents - and perhaps adult children, too - are going through as they navigate strained or estranged family bonds. 

Within the last week or so, a WSJ article was published entitled, “Are Therapists to Blame for the Rise of Adults Cutting Off Their Parents?” written by Elizabeth Bernstein.

My Instagram feed is flooded with therapists, estrangement coaches, and even formerly estranged adult children addressing the issue. 

I posted on Facebook for friends to share their estrangement experiences. I received texts, emails, and responses. I have also had friends reach out who, in their own words- have helicoptered their adult children to the point of struggling with their boundaries as parents and learning to say “no”. Both scenarios can create the question of you asking yourself, “Who Am I?”

My hope in listening to this podcast is that:

1. You start now learning to do something different, if needed, regardless of your generation.
2. Forget what is behind. See I’m doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? (Is. 43:19)

It’s never too late to learn something new. That is agency. That is volition. That is choice. That is God’s image in you. God doesn’t want you to live in regret, so let’s just hit the pause button and look at some broad themes. I want you listening to this podcast only asking yourself  ‘what can I learn?’ It’s not about listening while thinking of what someone else needs to do. It’s what you have control over - your thoughts, your patterns, your behaviors, your responses. 

So what is going on? I’d like to begin with broad themes and then narrow it down to where I’m actually giving life coaching tools - actionable steps - if you have found yourself in this kind of situation.

WHAT in the WORLD? Growing Trend Toward Counseling

I will play both sides of the fence with this. There is certainly a time and place for counseling. It’s great that there is an emphasis on mental health. The biggest benefit of counseling is forming a relationship with someone who is trusted and also objective - they aren’t emotionally involved, so they are supposed to challenge their client’s beliefs and point out blind spots in the therapeutic relationship. 

In the last few days, the WSJ published an article that was enlightening. To quote directly Elizabeth Bernstein’s article, she indicates that 7,000 estranged parents surveyed this past April, a third believed their adult child’s therapist had influenced or recommended the decision to end the relationship. In addition, a LMFT is quoted as saying, “A lot of therapists are taught to believe whatever the client is saying at face value.”

Another professional psychologist on his Substack posted that these modern day therapists amplify the drama between the parent and the adult child. He goes on to say, “Because the toxic person in the soap opera is the therapist, who spoon-feeds the adult child’s needs to view himself as a victim.”

 WHY? Why is there a trend for counseling?

How my generation has done our now adult children a disservice?

Who are the adult children?

Generation X between 1965 - 1980

Millennials-born between 1981-1996

Generation Z-born between 1997-2012

1. We’ve sold you a bill of goods for what you’re capable of. Ex. - (Allie Beth Stuckey)

I was on instagram last week when a Millennial influencer had a short video on imposter syndrome. What is this, exactly? It’s when people doubt their skills, abilities, and feel like frauds, even if they are more than capable.

She made the point that maybe it’s not imposter syndrome, but simply a matter of not having the skills or gifts. She framed it as an area of growth. Here is my reply to her post  which had over 125 likes:

“Correct! And here’s where my generation has done a total disservice to your generation: We’ve told you that you can do or be anything you want. The reality: you cannot. Effective parenting observes and watches how their children are “bent” with unique strengths, passions, and gifts. It’s also to be mindful of what your children are NOT and then raise them accordingly.”

We have pushed, pushed, and pushed. I feel as though our intentions are good. Who doesn’t want their children to be the best they can be? But we have derailed in selling you a lie.”

Scripture tells us in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

Part of the unique responsibility of parenting is observing your children through their developmental and formative years for how they are bent - their personalities, their gifts, their passions, their strengths. You are supposed to parent them based on THEM, not what you or society or culture tells them they are supposed to do.

You are not to live vicariously through your children. They are not your trophies! They are one of a kind humans that need guidance and support as they figure it out! Guidance for academics can be tricky, especially if they are smart because they can tackle any college major, but that isn’t the issue! 

Here’s a prime example from my childhood:

My father by adoption had amazing genes for fitness and athleticism. I was always tall for my age, so he equated this with being a basketball player. I can’t tell you how many times he and I visited a neighbor’s basketball hoop where he would endlessly time and time again tell me how to hold the basketball, how to stand, how to shoot, how to follow through.

To his credit - and I means this sincerely - he finally stopped. He observed and realized I was never going to be a basketball player no matter how hard he tried. I applaud him for this!

            2. My generation has shielded your generation from experiencing disappointment, pain, and difficult things.

When you make a B or heaven forbid, something lower, we go to the teacher.

When you don’t make the team, we go to the coach.

When you leave your book at home, we bail you out.

We have hovered over your every move to earn the name “helicopter parenting” for school.

We have denied access to outdoor play as outlined in the book Anxious Generation for safety.

We have pointed our fingers at other parents, teachers, and principals for scapegoating.

We have taken the stress away to make a path of least resistance. We are guilty of not making you struggle.

We now know in the field of counseling and life coaching that someone cannot learn to “flourish” unless they learn to struggle. A global study is occurring now by gathering data for the next few years.

So there’s not only a trend toward counseling, but also the  reasons I believe my generation has contributed by our parenting style.

Here’s another reason I believe counseling is prevalent:

3. Trauma is now the umbrella catch term for about anything that seems uncomfortable.

I gathered information from friends, family, and acquaintances. One teacher reached out and indicted that discipline is now considered abuse, which is equated to trauma.

So discipline is now trauma.

Conflict is now called trauma. 

Differing beliefs are now considered traumatic.

Therapists are encouraging their young clients to draw boundaries with their family members. Why? As a means of self-care, protection for their mental health, and as a means to emotional growth, according to the WSJ.

There are legitimate causes of trauma, and I would never downplay those. There’s abuse - which comes in several different forms - which can be physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal. For trauma to be considered trauma, there is a diagnostic criteria for qualifying it as traumatic. Licensed therapists with extra training in EMDR can work with you for several sessions to alleviate the PTSD. Also, continue the work for PTSD-Growth. It is a legitimate thing that helps you reframe your experiences with existential and purposeful life takeaways.

*Book-I share how my mother was emotionally abusive. Of course, growing up, I didn’t realize what was going on except that she was angry and upset all of the time. She would lash out, verbally, to my father, my grandmother, and to me. 

As a child, you don’t understand what’s happening in the moment. 

So, there ARE legitimate forms of abuse. What does that mean for the person on the receiving end?

Good, LMFT would talk you through your unique situation and present options, whether that’s drawing or boundary or any other form of self care. 

What are some of the reasons I was presented with for families being estranged? Here they are:

1. A couple of adults told me they don’t know why their adult children have gone no contact.
2. Lifestyle choices of the adult child.
3. Court system
4. Grandparent rights
5. Death
6. Divorce (divorce guilt)
7. Differences in beliefs (religious and/or political)

In my opinion, counseling is beneficial when someone is stuck and their thinking isn’t working for them. That means their conscious or unconscious beliefs need to be challenged by a good therapist who is willing to sit in the tension with their client.

The benefit of counseling is that beliefs can be challenged - or are supposed to be - in case the client needs to make a paradigm shift in their perspective. But here’s the problem that the WSJ article focused on: some therapists have tipped the scale so far in the client’s favor that they aren’t being challenged with their conscious and unconscious beliefs. This is crucial for GOOD therapy to be beneficial. Rather, some therapists today, are using the model by 

Carl Rogers, a psychologist who is a pioneer in the counseling field, is known for his “unconditional positive regard”. What does this mean, exactly? It’s the practice of completely accepting, valuing, and supporting another person without judgment, regardless of what they say, feel, or do. Empathy is a cornerstone of this type of counseling.

Although this concept is helpful in building the therapeutic relationship and building trust, there are some challenges in taking everything a client says at face value. 

The therapist should recognize that they are hearing one side of the story. What that practically sounds and looks like - within the context of the counseling relationship - is that the therapist should raise questions of the client that allow options to be seen as another way of looking at their circumstances. It’s my concern that the therapists are tipping the scale in believing everything the client says without challenging them, thereby causing damage without considering the long term consequences that estrangement brings. There ARE always two sides, and the therapist is only getting one perspective.

• WHAT are the problems that don’t help?

1. No one - and I mean no one - has been taught how to communicate well.
2. No one - unless your parents guided you through this - has learned how to resolve conflict. 
3. A consideration of what does emotional immaturity and emotional maturity look like?

Regardless of which generation you are in, consider these things:

What is emotional maturity look like?

It’s the person who is able to sit with something instead of reacting or starting a fight. It’s the person who takes responsibility for their part - what they have done - in the relationship. “Yes, that’s on me. I take responsibility.” It’s the person who leans in even in uncomfortable situations to straighten out a misunderstanding.

Genesis 3 - blame!

What does emotional immaturity look like?

If you get defensive, shut down, react, deflect blame, can’t separate feedback from an attack, refusal to take any responsibility, go silent, go cold, get angry but can’t express it, act passive-aggressive, have a hard time sharing what you need and give up your own needs just to keep the peace, you may be an emotionally immature person. This will be a contributing factor in making estrangement easier if you go that direction. 

If you’ve identified yourself with what I’ve described, then consider it an area of growth to be worked on. Be humble enough to acknowledge you need to grow in becoming more emotionally mature.

4.   Lack of respect for the older generation.

The commandment of “honoring your father and mother” given in Exodus doesn’t have caveats attached. This can be challenging. I know I felt like it was hard to honor my parents. 

Although this isn’t blatant disrespect, I had a friend tell me that our generation has been replaced with Google. Why would adult children reach out to older adults if Google can provide the answer at their fingertips?

I heard from a Millennial who knows someone who had a parent that had an affair and left, leaving her in a role that should never have been hers.

In some occasions, there is abuse. Or you’ve grown up in a home that wasn’t safe. I understand this. This parent hasn’t earned respect. Nor did they provide safety for the child and rest of the family. 

So how does one reconcile what they legitimately should have had and didn’t have as a child growing up?

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Was I really the recipient of legitimate abuse?
2. Was there a bigger picture in the life of my parent or parent(s) that now provide understanding for their parenting style or lack thereof?

The Hebrew word for “honor” means “heavy” or “weighty”. To honor someone means their presence, position, or word carries heavy significance and value in your life rather than being light or trivial (googled meaning).

From my own personal journey, I have learned to respect my parents by seeing them in proper balance, not on a black or white spectrum: “They were only ‘this’ or they were only ‘that’”. It’s seeing a bigger picture of their own life journeys and understanding how that, in turn, affected their parenting, either in a positive way or a negative way.

If you have lived through a bad experience - either real or perceived - in your family of origin, now what? The problems that have affected your life lead easily to having a victimhood mentality. Badge of honor.

This past Sunday I watched a YouTube church service, and the senior pastor had it right when he had these words written on this slide:

“The modern psychotherapeutic world says “you are the sum of your victimhood”.”

What someone is struggling with can be “both/and”: you didn’t get what you needed which, in turn, led to a mentality of victimhood. Your words now carry too much weight: “My father is a narcissist. My mother is a control freak.” Watch the words use you that carry heavy, weighted labels.

But sometimes, it can be - as one of my friends reached out and indicated - “perceived slights”. Just because someone perceives something doesn't mean it’s true; it simply means it’s their version of what happened.

5.   Black and white thinking. It’s either “this way” or “that way”. It’s an either/or scenario instead of a “both/and” way of looking at something. The pendulum doesn’t sway too much to the middle, the gray area, nowadays. 

Our tolerance for seeing things “in the middle” has disappeared. 

[Let’s use an example: drinking alcohol

This has been a big issue in Christian circles. Now, before everyone jumps down my throat, hear me out. Dr. Daniel Amen, a Christian psychiatrist, has advocated for NO alcohol at all due to the effects that it has on the brain which now can be shown on brain scans.

In the church, we have taken the stance that it’s all or nothing; meaning, no alcohol whatsoever. If you study the scripture, the Bible only speaks to not being drunk; it never speaks to abstinence. The caveat is this: if you have grown up in a family of origin where alcohol has been a problem - which was in my personal case - then wisdom and discernment is needed in your own parenting.  My point is is that Christian parents have swung the pendulum so hard to one side, that we can’t actually see the scripture mandate or we rationalize that biblical wine wasn’t wine.]

Both generations can swing the pendulum too far in either direction. But there are other weighty examples, too, that I won’t address in this podcast.

Regardless of which generation you belong to, two things can be true at the same time. What do I mean? Those perceived slights may be someone’s internal interpretation of what occurred even though that wasn’t the intent by the other person. Our minds have been affected by the fall (Genesis 3). What I say and what is heard or perceived may be two completely different things. This is true for any person in any relationship, friend, family, acquaintance, co-worker, etc.

I had a conversation with one of my adult children several years ago explaining why we parented a certain way covering a range of categories. Sometimes an adult child’s takeaway may not be accurate, or maybe it is. Or maybe we just need to explain ourselves and why we did what we did. 

One of the life tools that FOF recommends is to ask your adult child to write down those perceived slights or why they feel a certain way about what you may or may not have done. Then you meet again and have them read the list. Instead of reacting, you listen only. Your response is to take time to reflect and think. After doing so, you meet again and talk about how you can do something differently - what you can change. 

So as a parent, I can have boundaries for my child’s protection even though it may be interpreted as lack of freedom. If you’re a parent, you know that you place boundaries in the life of your children as a way to protect them, especially if you say “no” to certain things. These boundaries come in the shape and size of rules we have for our family unit. 

In conservative, Christian circles, some have tipped the scale toward authoritarian parenting. What is that? A strict style featuring high demands and low emotional warmth. 

In all fairness, when my children were small, the only parental guidance we had was by a child psychologist who advocated the “Because I said so” mentality. I don’t agree with this line of thinking now that I’m past that phase. For my generation, when we were growing up, this worked. For our children’s generation, not so much unless you had an extremely compliant child.

My generation may not have done a good job in explaining why we had certain rules. 

Social media has certainly contributed to black and white thinking! “This” way - “My” way is the only way! 

Here’s another example: Christianity and culture have collided. It’s everywhere - churches, families, society.

Here’s the challenge if you’re a Boomer and your adult child has differing beliefs - religion, politics. 

Culture now says that certain behaviors are no longer considered sinful. So the question becomes where do you as the Boomer parent hang your hat? Chances are, your adult child already knows where you stand.

The challenge is showing that  you love them even if you don’t believe in their choices or their beliefs. Why would you ever let your belief system override the parental relationship? Yes, both can co-exist. You can have your Christian worldview and still show unconditional love to adult children who believe differently. 

A major concept of MFT is the category called “differentiation”. What is that? In short, it’s when adult children and parents understand the family dynamic of being separate from the system, the family. It’s about being yourself while staying emotionally connected. The underlying assumption is that you need to remain calm when someone else thinks differently and that you don’t react, you only respond. There’s a difference.

It’s paramount - regardless of which generation you’re in - that you don’t use immaturity to cut someone off or out of your life. I have a suspicion that that is what is happening now with these “no contact” adult children.

So what is emotional immaturity?

Regardless of which generation you are in, consider these things:

If you get defensive, shut down, react, deflect blame, can’t separate feedback from an attack, refusal to take any responsibility, go silent, go cold, get angry but can’t express it, act passive-aggressive, have a hard time sharing what you need and give up your own needs just to keep the peace, you may be an emotionally immature person. This will be a contributing factor in making estrangement easier if you go that direction. 

If you’ve identified yourself with what I’ve described, then consider it an area of growth to be worked on. Be humble enough to acknowledge you need to grow.

What does emotional maturity look like?

It’s the person who is able to sit with something instead of reacting or starting a fight. It’s the person who takes responsibility for their part - what they have done - in the relationship. “Yes, that’s on me. I take responsibility.” It’s the person who leans in even in uncomfortable situations to straighten out a misunderstanding.

•  MOVING FORWARD: Now What?

Regardless of what’s in the past, we need to reflect, meditate, be humble, and take ownership of our part. But God isn’t about you living in regret. 

Change what you can and move forward. 

It is my personal opinion that the older generation should be the ones to model by initiation, but that can look different based on the unique set of circumstances. 

It’s usually the parents of the adult children who are concerned rather than the adult children. The younger generation has learned to draw a boundary with the cut off and move on. Then, sadly, this behavior is reinforced from friends and therapists.

Avoidance is always easier, regardless how old you are or which generation you’re in.

Emotional and spiritual muscles won’t grow if you avoid the struggle.

A friend who is a LMFT who wrote an endorsement on the back of my book told me just this week that I was inescapable with my mom; I allowed the tension between the two of us which allowed me to grow my emotional and spiritual muscles.

“What am I to learn through this?”

“What is God doing in this?”

“What is Truth?”

Another pastor I follow on Instagram indicates that “cutting off family isn’t always the answer. Before you go no contact, try forgiveness, boundaries, and honest conversations. Restoration should come before rejection.”

Understand that this IS a spiritual realm issue! John 10:10 indicates that the thief has come to steal, kill, and destroy. How is Satan doing this? By destroying the family unit - the very people that should be our “go to” people for all of life’s triumphs and tragedies. 

Charlie Kirk in his book Stop, In The Name of God, writes that “People are desperately seeking connection - spiritual, emotional, communal-but are offered only substitutes: consumerism, entertainment, activism, or digital escapism. These may numb the ache for a time, but they cannot heal the wound. They cannot speak back to the soul” (p. 14).

What IS in my control? So here are options and actionable steps, whether you are the parent or the adult child. 

Stephen Covey illustrated this beautifully in his book Seven Habits….. by making the distinction between what you can control (Circle of Influence) and what you cannot control (Circle of Concern),

Even though you cannot control if or how someone else responds, there are things you can do because you are in control of yourself!

Regardless of what’s in the past, we need to reflect, meditate, be humble, and take ownership of our part. But God isn’t about you living in regret. 

Change what you can and move forward.

• Pray! And never stop!

• Parents, don’t manipulate your children “Look at all I’ve done for you”….

• Model humility

    Focus on the Family (Dr. Townsend) says that a bridge 

    must be built before trust is in the relationship. So how   

    do you do that?

1. Share with your adult child for the things you would do differently. If it’s not a legitimate right or wrong, share with your adult child what you’d do differently if the clock could be turned back in time. If it IS a legitimate wrong, be humble enough to apologize. I never heard an apology…..

2. If your adult child has gone no contact, send a letter, text, or email quarterly. Examples: “I love you” “I miss you” “I’m thinking about you”

• If you’re the adult child, are you able to communicate how you were hurt? It is a legitimate hurt or was it a perceived slight?

• Unfortunately, you will have to walk through the steps of forgiveness even though you were the one hurt. Why? Because not forgiving leads to anger and bitterness and it only keeps you chained to the past. 

I’ve done a separate podcast on forgiveness, so please scroll back and listen.

• If you have religious and political differences, can you discuss these adult to adult? You can still say, “I agree to disagree” and let that be that.

If you are still in contact, find common denominators. Forget politics. Forget religious differences. Go to a sporting event. Look up sports cars. Pick out books or music. Whatever it is that your adult child is interested in, land there!

• If conversation for those topics occurs organically, ask open ended questions without offering your thoughts or beliefs.

A core human need is to be heard. Let the other person speak and be done. 

• The Blessing Letter - if you know where they are and can mail the letter.

    3 paragraphs (what you love; what their challenge is;

    unconditional love for them).

•     I Corinthians 13 - Read and check the areas you need improvement

• Are you willing to let them share what they perceived as a slight or as a wrongdoing without getting defensive? Dr. John Townsend recommends that you give them permission to write you a letter explaining it. Sit on it. Reflect on it. Change what’s worth changing. Let them have their say and be done with it.

• Support groups - start with just you and a friend if you’re both going through this. Emotional support is important. Or start a group at your church. 

• Lifestyle choices: let them go and live! Intervene if it’s a matter of health/safety. No need to talk about a clash of beliefs as your adult child already knows where you stand.

• focusonthefamily.com

• jerrywiserelationshipsystems.com

• Book entitled “People Skills” (Debra Fileta, LPC).

• The Best of You podcast (Dr. Alison)

Your identity is not in your children. If they do well, it can lead to pride; if they don’t do well, it can lead to despair. God doesn’t want you in either place! Your worth and value is determined by Him alone.

• Run to God as he can handle all of your concerns (Psalm 34:18). Do not choose unhealthy life coping skills. This only creates another complicated layer over a form of grief that you’re already experiencing.

• Journal your thoughts. Not only is this therapeutic, it will help your brain decompress at night for better sleep.

• Advocate for yourself if you live in a state that honors Grandparents’ Rights. A lifetime friend indicated she had done this with the text that read, “I’d rather be broke than broken.” Wow. What a statement.

• If it’s a court matter, find a lawyer to advocate on your behalf. 

Do what you can and what’s in your control to do. Sometimes that means we have to change OURSELVES - how we are responding or reacting. Be open and honest enough to admit your own weaknesses so you can grow.

Conflict can actually bring closer intimacy if you leave the door open instead of shutting it.

Friends, we have all been affected by the brokenness of this world. It started in Genesis 3 and won’t stop until life on this earth is no longer.

You can only take ownership for yourself - your way of thinking, your communicating, your behaviors, your spiritual journey. Leave the rest of it to God as he is responsible for outcome. Surround yourself with a trusted friend, pastor, or therapist who operates from a Christian worldview. Why? A Christian therapist is going to offer existential questions for you to ponder as you navigate this life journey. Because all of life IS a spiritual journey.

“Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see” (Hebrew 11:1).

Never give up hope!