The Soul Digger Podcast

Ep.160 - What is It Like To Be you Right Now? The Science of Being Seen

• Kim Mellor • Season 3 • Episode 160

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We explore the transformative power of being truly seen in our pain, challenges, and growth, revealing how feeling witnessed creates biological shifts that help us process emotions and move forward with greater resilience.

• Everything is energy—even life's challenges and pain are sent to help us grow
• Being seen and witnessed is not a luxury but a biological necessity for emotional regulation
• Feeling witnessed activates mirror neurons and helps regulate our nervous system
• Darkness isn't the absence of light but actually an abundance of light our vessel is expanding to hold
• The SEEN framework: Slow down, Empathize, Embody non-judgment, Name what you witness
• Science confirms that being truly seen reduces cortisol and increases prefrontal cortex activity
• We heal faster when someone holds space for our truth without trying to fix us
• Creating connections where people feel seen begins with us becoming that mirror for others
• Asking "what is it like to be you right now?" opens space for authentic connection
• The difference between being seen versus being fixed or saved is crucial for healing

Try the SEEN framework with someone in your life today and notice how it transforms both of you. Remember, you become the mirrors for what you want to see in the world.

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Speaker 1:

What is it like to be you right now? In truth, no one will ever truly know the life that you've lived to be where you are now, the fires you've walked through, the tears you've cried, the shame you've tried for years to hide. They won't see the nights you cried alone or how you held yourself through the unknown. They won't feel the weight of all. You've shed, the parts of you that had to be left for dead. No one will truly ever see the chains you've broken to set your soul free, the daily devotion, the shadows you've faced while carving new paths with power and grace. No one will ever really understand the strength it's taken to be where you are today, to rise from the ruins and not run away. No one will ever really hear the voice of self-doubt that's felt so loud and clear whenever your soul whispered a new dream in your ear. So, when it feels heavy, chaotic or dark, know that this moment's igniting your spark, the pressure, the fire, the ache in your chest is carving a path to your highest and best. It's not that you're lost. You're being refined. A love so fierce, by light redefined. Darkness to your soul is not light gone away. It's light so intense it can't help but stay, so welcome. The storm, the fear and the ache. Each crack in your heart is a holy earthquake, shaking what's false, revealing what's true. A miracle is forming inside of you. That is something that I wrote a couple of days ago. When life is lifing, you know, inevitably life is life and there is challenge, pain, chaos and, ultimately, so much beauty in the process of transformation, because that is the only way to transform is to experience discomfort and growth. However, you know we don't need to make it mean anything about us. You know it's not about judging ourselves and you know thinking that pain is bad and there's something wrong with us. Pain is bad and there's something wrong with us. Ultimately, everything is energy. You know we have the endless, infinite, abundant light of creator that we have access to all of the time, which is a powerful loving force, and everything is sent from the light creator, from all. That is Like every challenge, every obstacle. Although at times it doesn't feel like it's happening for us, it always is. And then you have the human, the emotions, the part of ourselves that deeply, deeply craves to be seen in what we're going through. And this is this, is it's, it's such an important piece of connection is feeling seen, feeling deeply, deeply seen in who we are, what we're going through, and being understood.

Speaker 1:

And I wrote that poem the other day because you know I was experiencing a challenge in my personal life and you know I used to avoid being with the feelings and the pain. You know I used to numb, avoid, pretend everything was okay. Just, you know, spiritually, bypass as much as possible and just live on this. You know positivity pathway and you know, never acknowledge anything that I was going through because I thought it was wrong and I thought there was, yeah, something that I should be ashamed of. However, you know, especially Kabbalah, you know my spiritual study has really helped me to understand the why. You know the why we go through things as a soul and there is always, always a reason why. And shifting the perception of pain being anything else but pleasure and an opportunity. You know it's really helped me to help others navigate through change because, you know, in order for our souls to grow, there has to be a process. You know there is a shedding of layers and a letting go of identity that often feels like death. It feels like we're constantly grieving old versions of ourselves and learning to let go and not make it mean anything about you, I think is it's such a powerful perspective to have and an understanding that is essential, because I think a lot of people get stuck in that place of pain, which then leaves them disempowered and thinking there's something wrong with them.

Speaker 1:

And if people are not sharing and letting people in on where they're at, then it can often make things a lot worse, and so this is why I speak a lot to well, it's just truth. You know, like I never shy away from the real, authentic experience of life, because I'm doing myself my mission, you guys, humanity a disservice by not sharing this, because I know there's a lot of people out there who are suffering unnecessarily because they don't have the tools, they don't have the understanding of spirituality, which is what Kabbalah is. Kabbalah is the spiritual laws, the backbone that runs through every single religion, and I've talked about it many, many times. It's not a religion itself. It is just the spiritual law that governs energy and the universe, and it can explain anything and everything that you're going through.

Speaker 1:

And I think when you understand what is happening, you can then move through life's challenges with a lot less fear and judgment and self-deprecation. Like gosh, the amount of times I would, you know, binge eat in private or just like hide any emotions because I thought it wasn't normalised growing up. You know emotions and feelings seen in what I was going through was dismissed because there was a lot of shame around expressing yourself. And I know a lot of people you know have gone through this. Because you know we're only, as humanity, starting to really accept the human experience as a whole. You know all of it is welcome, like there is no good and bad, right and wrong, it's just all energy.

Speaker 1:

And I used to speak a lot to the duality of life. You know one minute you're calling in, you know a blessing, a dream, a vision, and the next minute something quote-unquote bad happens. Have you had that experience where you've experienced, like such a powerful manifestation that was like, oh my goodness, this is like beyond my wildest dreams. And then later on that day something quote unquote bad happens and it's like, oh my God, why does this always happen to me? It's because of perception. We perceive one of them to be better than the other and ultimately, everything is a blessing, everything is energy, everything is sent for us to grow. And so because I understand and I hope that you guys are really starting to understand, like that, everything in life is, it's always happening for you. Oh, wow, it's, it's something that helps you to stay in your centre, to stay in your centre, you know. So you know now, when something miraculous happens, I'm like, oh yeah, of course, that's, that's normal. And then when something quote-unquote bad happens because nothing is bad I'm like, oh okay, yeah, well, this is good, this is still good. Yeah well, this is good, this is still good.

Speaker 1:

And it's taken me, you know, most of my life to get to this point, because I didn't have the understanding and the certainty behind this. I understood that, of course, we are always empowered in how we respond to things, respond to things, but actually knowing with certainty that everything is energy and it is good that that is, that has taken me, you know, many decades to to really embody that, and that's been through walking the fires and being in the trenches and just being on the pitch, you know, and there is so much beauty of life that we get to experience when we're just in it. You know, and this is what being a soul digger is about. It's about being in life, like honouring every experience and seeing it all as good. And so, yeah, a couple of days ago, I had that exact experience, like I had a really beautiful morning. It was so delicious and divine and, oh, it was beautiful.

Speaker 1:

And then, literally a couple of hours later, I had a contrasting experience, which you know, of course. I went into my human emotions and I've learned that it's really good to just to just be in the emotions and to to not try and bypass them. And so my, my default reaction when I, you know, experience life in the contrast is you know, this is good, this is good, and, at the same time, there's a deep part of me and every human that deeply desires to be seen and craves to be understood in what's happening. Because when you know when life is lifing, it feels like you're the only person that's going through it, like you're the only person in the world that is experiencing this. And and, in truth, that there are many, many millions and billions of people on the planet have experienced something that you're either currently going through or have been through.

Speaker 1:

And, yeah, just deeply desiring to be seen in that place can really shift a lot. It can shift a lot and there is a science behind this. There's a science behind being seen and a way to like if you've got a friend in your life or someone colleague, family member who you know. If you share something with them, you feel safe and somehow you sharing allows you to relax in a way that maybe you couldn't before sharing. And maybe you've got someone in your life you know if you share something with them, they would go straight into trying to fix or offer a solution. You know I've definitely been there. You know I love teaching. I love, I used to love fixing people, even though none of us are broken.

Speaker 1:

But I'd always love to like have a solution for someone because it's almost like I wasn't honoring their experience and sometimes, you know, I'd be like, oh my god, you know, just pull yourself up, you can crack on with it, and, yes, that is valid, pull yourself up, you can crack on with it and yes, that is valid. But ultimately we want to be seen and felt and this isn't like a victim consciousness thing. This isn't. Like you know, I'm going through this and I want someone to feel sorry for me and like poor me. That's not the energy and I think that is something that you know. When I started to do personal development, I didn't want to be seen in that victim mentality. So I almost avoided, you know, sharing those deeper experiences with others and really myself, because I thought it wasn't allowed. You know which is crazy.

Speaker 1:

And now I understand there is a technology, there is a science behind being seen which people are craving, craving and I know this because I crave it, you know, as someone who's been in the work for decades, like it's not something that I, that I, that I just can't bypass it. You know it is an essential piece of us being able to relax and actually process what's happening with more speed. Because, well, let me tell you, there's actually a science behind it, right? So let's just say you've had some, you've had some news, someone in your life, you know there's, there's actually a science behind it, right? So let's just say you've had some, you've had some news, someone in your life, you know, there's something that has happened and you might go into fight and flight and go into worry and fear and doubt, and you're just consumed by this like, oh my gosh, like the world is ending, and you go into, like, you go into yourself, right. And so what happens is your body is in such a heightened state of survival that it's hard to really function or think rationally, right? So you know, when you fully feel seen and what I mean by that is, maybe you share this with a friend and you say, oh my god, this is happening and I'm going through this, and you know you might just be like messily, just being like, oh my god, what is happening? For the other person to say I see you, I see you, I hear you, how are you? Is there anything that you need? There is something that happens in the body that is so powerful that AI cannot possibly mimic, which is why I feel empathy. Human connection, just intimacy with others, is something that the world is really craving as we are stepping more and more into this world of technology and disconnection. And it's such a. It's disconnection, but also connection, because we can be connected with anyone around the world. And yet what we really crave is for someone to say I see you. You know it co-regulates your nervous system, so when you feel seen, someone else's calm presence can help you bring, can help you, can help you to bring you out of stress or survival mode. And this is especially important with trauma healing. Um, and you know trauma is prolonged trauma I mean, I'm not trauma informed by any means. But I feel like if a lot of, if a lot more people were seen in an experience that had happened, like fully seen, then trauma can be healed very rapidly.

Speaker 1:

I think it's when people go into a story and they make it mean something about them and they internalize it and then that's wrapped in shame that it walks with people through their life. You know. So, from a scientific point of view, the polyvagal theory, you know, our vagus nerve responds to social safety, feeling, seeing can literally shift us from fight and flight into rest and connection. So again, if you feel shame around sharing, like I'm the only one that's going through this, oh my gosh, you're not gonna like. You feel that you're accepted in the world and so operating with that fight and flight is just no good for anyone. And then you've also got the second thing, like mirror neurons and empathy. Like our brains have these mirror neurons that fire when we observe others emotions and actions, emotions and actions. So when someone sees and validates us, our brain mirrors that connection and it makes us feel understood and connected.

Speaker 1:

On a deep, unconscious level it's like, oh, I feel safe, I belong, you know. And this belonging again is so powerful, and Brené Brown talks about this a lot. You know it's a core human need, but it's only possible when we are accepted for who we truly are. Being seen and attuned is like it's essential for a secure attachment, especially in childhood and throughout life. And you know, again, if I think back to my childhood, you know I was seen for my achievements and my external results and of course, the parents always are doing the best right and the soul chose that experience. So, on a conscious, you know, on a, on a, um a conscious level, the soul is always choosing its challenges right. But you don't know that on a, you know, on a, on an unconscious level, you're, we're often driven by our beliefs and our environment, and so if our environment is validating an external metric, we begin to to learn that, oh, I feel safe when I'm performing right, which is where the high achievers, um, you know I work with a lot of high achieving women who find it hard to be seen and be vulnerable because they think that that is wrong or it's weak, right, and so for children to be seen and understood really helps to create that secure attachment.

Speaker 1:

You know, in that emotional validation, oh, like I see that you're hurting. I see that this is really tough for you, like how, how is it to be you right now? What is it like to be you right now? When was the last time someone asked you that question? You know, when we were acknowledged on that level, for our emotions, the cortisol drops and our prefrontal cortex, which is decision making, self-awareness, becomes more active. So the validation enhances emotional regulation and when we're regulated, we make better decisions. We move through life in a very, very different way, which I think is why, you know, having sisterhood and having friends who you know they're in the work and they don't judge and they really want to hold space, it's one of the most valuable things that we can have in our life. You know, feeling seen increases resilience. You know, research from trauma recovery and positive psychology shows that people who feel witnessed in their pain are more likely to recover and grow faster. Because, again, there's there's no shame, there's just empathy.

Speaker 1:

I could do, I will do, a whole podcast on empathy and humility. It's um, it's a, it's a, it's a real code. It's a. It's a code to unlocking new levels. You know, because when we're embodying humility and empathy, we're, we're in receptive mode and receiving is is how we receive more of of what it is that we're desiring. And so, yeah, people, people who feel witnessed, recover quicker. And so this is why I now you know, if ever I'm going through a challenge, which is always happening um, because you know we're sold against like we're to go to not go through challenges, to never grow, and I know you guys are here for the growth.

Speaker 1:

So, understanding that it is normal, whilst also deeply desiring to be seen and not saved. There's a difference you know being saved is it comes from thinking that something's wrong with you and like you need help, like you you don't. This is not a blanket statement, but you are so powerful. You are so powerful. You have the ability to connect with source, create a god universe at any point. And yes, there are other support systems and structures which you know are sometimes really needed. You know external things outside of ourselves can, can really be supportive, like a positive friend who is just there to say I see you, you know, and even professionals, you know as much as I have avoided and resisted the systems. They, they serve a purpose. You know the NHS and there's so many people who are suffering with mental illness and different disabilities and you know those people who you know work within the systems. Ultimately, what they're doing is they're providing a service that allows people to feel seen and safe, and you know different people know so.

Speaker 1:

It's the foundation. It's the foundation of any kind of therapy and healing and even sacred rituals. You know, we heal when someone holds space for truth. We heal when someone holds space for truth and on a spiritual level, what happens when you feel seen is it gives your soul space to expand like. I can't tell you how it felt the other day when I messaged my friend and she didn't try and fix me, she didn't try and save me, she just held the space for truth to be there and I instantly shifted. I felt like someone saw me and what I was going through and it felt so good. You know, being seen is not a luxury, it's a biological necessity. It helps us to feel safe, to regulate and to be able to access the full capacity of our love. And to be able to access the full capacity of our love, our creativity, of our well-being, like. It's huge, it really is and it's scientifically backed. You know there's been so many studies on this and you know we're in the summer right now, if you're listening to this, in in july, although it's fucking raining outside, um, there's ultimately the summer is.

Speaker 1:

There's a lot of light. Think about the sun. The sun is light, it's energy, it's life force. Energy it's how everything grows. There is lighter mornings and lighter evenings. There's more light coming in, and so there's often more challenges, more pain, more chaos. That happens during this time, and I want you to know that darkness is not an absence of light, is not an absence of light. Darkness is the excess of light because there is so much light. And so this is why, when you have an experience where you're like, oh my gosh, like I've just had this miracle happen, and then it feels like there's darkness, that happens soon after. It's just because there's an immense amount of light and your vessel, your body, is expanding to be able to hold that light. So, if you think about it, you know, if you look up at the sky, when it's dark there's no light, but when it's like a bright, bright day, blue skies, the sun is beaming, you look at the sun and you're like you have to close your eyes and then there's darkness. So darkness, pain, challenge anything that you are going through right now. There's nothing wrong with you. You're actually. You're actually experiencing an immense amount of light and up-leveling, like your soul is actually trying to ascend, it's up-leveling its consciousness.

Speaker 1:

So if you've been calling in, you know more money, a man, like any dream desire on your vision board you have to understand that this is all a part of it. It's a piece of it. It's when we get stuck in it and we think what's wrong with me? I can't possibly share this with anyone. If someone knew this about me, what would they think of me? And so, like, a big part of my work, especially the past couple years, has been the ego work of like there is no me and you, it is we. We are one and it's all a part of life and it is all good again, which is what Kabbalah has really helped me with and, by the way, like kabbalah1.com, I'll put the link in the show notes.

Speaker 1:

You can pay what you, what you want to pay like. It is such an incredible course to go through to help you navigate through life's challenges, and these tools have honestly helped me to to move through challenge and change a lot faster. And ultimately, you want to be changing right, because your soul came here to correct itself from a previous lifetime and to to reach its fulfillment. And so you can only truly feel fulfilled if you're allowing the experience of life to move through you and not stop you. And so the power of being seen like I'm always sharing with you guys my most alive energy that's in my consciousness and is moving through me, and this is, you know, a part of my purpose right is to teach about transformation, and you know I'm in, you know different environments right now with my work and what I'm doing, and I noticed that I was in a certain environment and one of my you know colleagues or teammates said something to me and it triggered me because it's not the way that I like to be spoken to and it just didn't feel good.

Speaker 1:

So, because I have these tools, I recognize that, okay, this is a gift, this is good. The creator is speaking through this person so that I don't react and say you can't fucking tell me what to do. You go and F yourself off, you know, or maybe I wouldn't have said anything in the past and just let it brew. But that creates more negativity and more space between that person, and when there's space between you and someone else, like that's negativity that you're continuing to have in your field, which isn't going to serve you right. So, learning to lean into connection and conversation and, you know, sharing from a place of love, and sometimes you need a couple of days to just move past the anger. Oh, my god, I was in a real. I was in a story and a half. I had all these like voices and visions and I was just like, and I was like, I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna be in the story, I'm just gonna allow it to be here.

Speaker 1:

And after I came back to myself and back to the teachings of okay, this is good, creator sent this for me. This is helping me to grow and connect in unity. And then, once I was able to communicate from a place of love, which is really important I lent in and said hey, I'd love to have a chat with you about something. There was something you said last week that created some space between us and it's really important to me that you know my relationships with you and everyone in my life is harmonious and has a frequency of love, and I would love to just have a conversation and share with you what came up for me. And, yeah, see how we can, you know, move forward from here.

Speaker 1:

And the response that I got it felt a bit dismissive. It felt like she was almost rejecting my desire to lean in for connection and she tried to fix and maybe create a bit of an excuse around why she wasn't available to to have a deeper, a deeper chat. And I sat with that and I accepted it. And I sat with that and I accepted it. And that was another confirmation for me of like my human didn't want to be fixed, like I didn't necessarily want to have a solution. I would have just loved to have been met in that intimate space of connection. I would love for her to receive me and to see me and for her to say, wow, okay, I see that you know you had that experience and thank you for bringing this to me.

Speaker 1:

And you know whether she took some responsibility or not, you know is up to her, but I think it's always so powerful to, yeah, really like, own our part to play and, you know, lean into, to just meet people where they're at and I didn't feel met in where I wanted to go and you're not going to be seen by everyone. This is the thing I realized in life is you're not going to be seen by everyone, and that's okay, because God sees you, you see you and you have got those people in your life or you get to cultivate those relationships where you do feel seen, and it's really important that you have those. And it's also important that we don't judge others for when they can't meet us there, and this is why the world needs more leaders like us, who are leading with empathy and love and a deep devotion to to truth and to holding space, because I can guarantee that this, this person who I, um, you know, had this experience with I can guarantee that she's she's craving to also be seen, but doesn't know how to, which is why she can't hold space right. So often, if someone doesn't know, like, how to hold space, it's because they have never felt seeing themselves, they've never had that experience and have felt what it feels like. But I can guarantee that people are definitely craving this and once they experience it, they won't go back. It'll be really hard for them to go back, because what you value yourself, you then want to value in others as well. So, yeah, that was an experience that also came up quite recently. That was a catalyst for this conversation, this podcast, which is you know, it's how I teach. I teach through experience and oh, yeah, that piece is really important. You know, instead of blaming her or thinking, oh god, like, whatever, like, okay, let me teach on this, let me help people, and I can guarantee that if you do not feel seen in your life or work or business, you will be blocking yourself. There is a subconscious block that will happen because you're not being fully yourself.

Speaker 1:

And so how, how do you allow yourself to be seen? I think it starts with seeing others. You know, I think when we can hold that space for others, we then learn what it is that we need and people then become emeritors, right? So there's like a bit a five-step framework, um to help guide you on this. The framework has seen s, e, e, e, um. So slowing down. Life is so fast paced. Slow down, be present, first of all. Regulate your own nervous system, you know, if it's possible, breathe, meditate and, yeah, be, really be with that person. You know being present and available energetically for someone is wow. I mean, it is the most valuable currency because it can't be bought right.

Speaker 1:

And then e for empathy listen, to understand, not to reply. Whoo big, that sounds really tough. It makes total sense that you'd feel that way. Let silence be okay. It gives space for depth and I know it feels good as well to fix and have solutions. But trust that the solutions will always arise for that person when they feel seen and regulated, because, of course, the problem is always. There's always the solution before the problem. So you know, for example, if you sting yourself in a nettle bush, there's a dock leaf next to it, like if you're experiencing a problem right now, there's already been a solution that was created before. How do we tap into that solution? We regulate ourselves so we can receive the solution, which is what being seen helps us do.

Speaker 1:

The second E is embody non-judgment. Again, drop the need to solve, to analyze, to fix. Your job is to be a container for that other person, not a rescuer. So acknowledge without dismissing, which is something that I used to do. I used to be like it's not that big of a deal. Get over it right. Acknowledge without diminishing or minimizing. Respect their truth, even if it's different from yours. Respect their truth even if it's different from yours, because we all have different variables of experience, different levels of pain that we've gone through, and so someone might be needing support with something that feels so small to you but it's so big to them and it can be so easy to just minimize it and they think, oh, you'll get over it. No, be a container. Acknowledge, without diminishing or minimizing. Respect their truth, even if it's different from yours, and the N name what you witness mirror back to them. Your job is to be a mirror. You know I can see how much strength it's taken for you to hold that. What I'm hearing is you've been carrying this alone for a long time. You've been carrying this alone for a long time. Naming without assumptions can bring relief and recognition, like deeply recognizing someone's soul. Wow, I can see how painful that must be for you right now.

Speaker 1:

And a big thing is is asking people how, how they would like to to be supported. You know, would you like to be heard, held or would you like reflections? You know it's something that I always say to my friends when they, when they come to me wanting to share an experience. You know, would you like me to just hear you? Would you like me to hold space? Would you like me to share reflections or solutions? And asking Asking before you share anything from your perspective. You know what do you need most right now, what would feel supportive for you in this moment? This empowers them rather than making them dependent.

Speaker 1:

This is scientifically backed, guys. This is not woo-woo. There's the co-regulation of the polyvagal theory. You know your calm presence helps their nervous system feel safe. The mirror neurons reflect empathy and connection. The attachment theory feeling seen is foundational to secure bonds and validation and validation reduces emotional distress and increases trust and from that place, that person will shift through their experience in a faster, more empowered way, because they will receive the exact guidance that they need to move through it, because you're helping them to regulate. So an invitation for you Try this, be this.

Speaker 1:

You know, maybe you're thinking how do I find people who know how to do this? Do it yourself, do it yourself. And if you think it would be useful for me to create more content on this and give you some tools or something to use, I'm more than happy to do that. Just drop me a DM, because you know we become the mirrors for what we want to see in the world. Right, so it starts with us.

Speaker 1:

So you start by slowing down and being present, by being empathetic and listening, by embodying non-judgment, naming what you witness, witnessing someone in what they're going through, and then asking how you can support or what do they need most right now.

Speaker 1:

Try it, try it yourself, because then you're going to have people that come into your life who can be there for you too. And hey, you know, maybe I'm that person for you, maybe this podcast is that place where you feel seen, and I truly hope that you do feel like you're never alone, that you belong, that it is safe to experience life, whatever you think is going on. No one will ever truly, truly know how you're feeling, deep, deep in your soul. However, I promise to always, always seek to understand, to see you, to meet you in empathy, kindness and compassion, so that you can truly meet yourself there. You're amazing. Thank you for listening and please do share this with a friend who you feel is really, really needing this deep, emotional, biological need, because it is, and the more that we can create space for people's truth to arise in this crazy world of distraction and extraction and disconnection, the more happiness and fulfillment we are going to experience. I love you, I appreciate you and I see you deeply.