How Your Words Can Build Or Burn Everything Down

One sentence can follow you for decades and one careless comment can scorch a relationship in minutes. We open up James 3 and take his warning seriously: the tongue is small, but it steers like a rudder and burns like a spark. If you’ve ever said something you wish you could take back, or if you’ve been on the receiving end of words that cut deeper than any bruise, this conversation hits close to home. 

We talk about why Scripture holds teachers and leaders to a stricter standard and why that should shape how we speak in church, at home, and online. We get honest about how conflict can tempt us to “win” with sharp words, including a real marriage example of pulling out a painful memory just to hurt. James pushes us past simple behavior modification and straight into heart work: what comes out of our mouths reveals what we’re carrying inside. 

We also call out gossip, slander, and constant negativity for what they are: signs of immaturity that fracture unity. Then we pivot to wisdom, contrasting self-seeking, envy-driven “worldly wisdom” with the wisdom from above that is pure, peace-loving, considerate, full of mercy, and sincere. A story from a restaurant drives it home: you can’t bless one person while shaming another and pretend it’s harmless. 

If you want to grow in Christian maturity, protect your relationships, and learn how to speak life with consistency, press play. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with the one habit you’re working on changing in your speech.

Transcript

Cold Open And Setup

SPEAKER_00 1:07

What? Oh yeah, kids. Sorry.

SPEAKER_01 1:12

Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 1:14

It's fine. It's a fine. You guys would have liked this message anyway. Maybe. I don't know. Yeah, if you're a young man. Oh Jesse. Jesse. That's Jesse. It's pretty cold. That's that's an excitement that we need. That's that's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 1:48

No, before he leaves.

SPEAKER_00 1:55

So I was thinking, um I decided that we're not going to go through James III, because I think James III is just too difficult. I don't want to deal with it. Um that's not true. Uh if anyone ever if you're in a church and they tell you that they're not going to deal with certain scripture because it's too difficult. I'm not telling you to leave, but you should probably leave. But but James III is is is quite challenging. So he's been dealing with uh behavior and wisdom and living in a way that honors God. James chapter one is kind of encouraging, reminding us to talk with us and trust them. James 2 is all about living it out, right? Like your life is a reflection of it. And so the rest of James, he decides to get into it. He starts to give some really practical applications for living. And one of my I was thinking about this this week. One of my favorite, or not my favorite, something I always heard in my mom's day growing up. If you know what I'm gonna do, you can end them if it is

Why Words Leave Lasting Scars

SPEAKER_00 2:58

my sentence of one. Um fixed in stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt. We all know that that's a lie. As you get older, like you realize you tell that to your kids because it's encouraging, but as you've gotten older, you realize I do not remember when I broke my ankle when I was 13. But I remember what people said to me when I was 13. The the weight of the things that we say have impact. The words we say, uh, the way we talk about our kids, the way we talk about our church, the way we talk to each other. Like there's just something about the tongue, and this is where James is getting to. The tongue can sometimes be the most beautiful thing, but it can also be the most vicious. I was talking about this, uh, we were at a young adult retreat this weekend, and uh, one of the guys who was on the worship team, we were talking about our kids, and obviously I have three boys, and then I told the craziest thing about my house is my kids have never watched WWE, but you would think that that's all they watch because it's like a wrestling match, like entirely. There was one time we we downloaded the game, we did one wrestling match, and we never came back to it because they just want like insane. Like Miles doesn't even know the suplex is, but he can figure it out, right? And so we're talking about the the boys are challenging because boys are very physical. I've talked about this because my brothers and I used to fight each other all the time. Now, I don't have girls, obviously. I don't have daughters, but I have heard that girls might not be physical, but girls love to cause emotional damage to each other. Like they will like mess with your brain, they'll say things like you ask them, this dress looks pretty in the what? Right. So then there's something about this idea that and again this is it's it's the way men and women operating, but but there's something about them when I was younger, like I don't remember any of the I don't remember my brothers and I like I don't have any injuries or brokenness or or bruises left from those times. Whatever, Jeff, said I. Um but so you know you just you don't tend to remember those things, but but the weight of of what people say to us matters. And and we've as we've grown up in his work, the Lord was kind of adjusted to this. We've realized that that how we speak to people, especially how we speak to our kids, matters. So James in chapter three, pull with no punches. Uh starting in verse one, he says, Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly. We all stumble in many ways, and anyone who is never default and what they say is perfect, able to keep their whole body in check. When we put bits in the mouths of horses, horses to make them obey us, we can turn them all in them. Or take ships as an example. Although they're so large and driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boast. Consider what a great force is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one's life on fire, and it is itself set on fire by hell. Again, it is not the whole bunches.

James 3 And The Tongue’s Fire

SPEAKER_00 6:57

All kinds of animals, birds, reptiles, and sea creatures are being tamed and have been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue of the restless evil fool of deathly poison. It says, with the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth comes praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be. Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water. Let them show by their good life, by deeds done in humility that comes from wisdom. But if you harbor pity, uh bitter envy and selfish ambitions in your heart, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven, but it's earthly, unspiritual, and modern. For you have where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder in every evil practice. But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure and peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and goodness, impartial and sincere, peacemakers who sow and peace with the harvest of righteousness. So he he jumps right into something that I think is a risk for all of us. And I say that because I I'm the very first verse for me has always been one of the most challenging things. And anytime I come across someone who's interested in leading a Bible study, um, leading worship, uh, leading any kind of capacity, he says, listen, if you want to become a teacher, take heart. Understand that you not everyone should be quit to want to do this because you and I are held to a different standard. We're judged more strictly, and and that's such an important thing. And if you listen to my prayer at the beginning of before I preach, it's always about protect the words that are coming out of my mouth. And that's an intentional though, because my hope in every situation where I get to teach, that I am saying things that God wants me to say, and I'm not allowing my emotions to get the best of it. Now the problem is I've screwed that up a few times. I have said things with some pulpits that I wish I could have taken back. I have made comments and I have said things that I knew were not of God, but they were of me. And in the moment of weakness, I chose to act on those things. That's what James is he's cautioning us. He says, be careful. Watch what you say, watch what you teach, watch your tongue, watch your mouth. Because the things you say could set a forest on fire. The same way we can throw horses with a bit, or ships with a runner, a small spot, and set everything off. And it it's such a such a challenge sometimes because in moments of frustration, the easiest thing to do oftentimes is to say something smart. Danny and I will celebrate 15 years of marriage on the 28th of this month. Huh? 29th. I'll turn your birthday's the 28th. Listen. Your birthday because they're both together, and I'm never gonna forget. We we sell don't lie, it's fine. We're fine. Our marriage is fine. The 29th. But I remember early on in our marriage, and then this is something that uh I've grown and we've grown out of. Not completely, but I remember when we were young in our marriage, one of the things we would do, and especially me, because I was I was not I was good at it, and I shouldn't say that, like I'm not proud of that, but we would have a fight, and I would pull this memory out of the back of my head, deep in the reservoirs, and I would like say them, like I would just say like the meanest thing I could to her, and then I would leave the house. Because like in a moment of frustration and my anger, my

When Anger Turns Words Into Weapons

SPEAKER_00 11:28

goal was to hurt her. And so I would pull out my sword, I would stab her in the side, I'd reach sheath, and then I'd head to the gas station. I'm not I'm not proud of that, but but oftentimes our first line of attack are the things we say. This is why James is saying, watch your tongue. Be careful what you say. Because the the small conversations that you do not think, that have no impact, can oftentimes set a forest on fire. They can break a relationship, they can ruin a marriage, they can destroy a church. He says so oftentimes we'd like to tell ourselves that we're convinced, that we're mature and we're growing. And he says true maturity comes from the believer who is able to control their mouth. Jesus talks about this. Uh uh the Gospel of Matthew. He has this conversation about how the the it's not the things that go in that defile us, but the things that come out. Because the things that come out, it's our hearts. We cannot hide what is in our heart, and oftentimes our heart is shown to the world by the things that we say. We we try to we could fake generosity, we can we can fake being a servant, but in moments of frustration, the things that we say often capture the attitude of the kind of people that we are. And James says, brothers and sisters, this should not be. Maturity comes in our growth when we realize when we're able to control our tongue. To control the things that we say. That's the danger that James is warning of us, warning us, I guess, said be careful to speak. Be careful to teach. Don't don't be so apt to jump in front of people, don't be so apt to speak quickly. And and and we've all done it. We've we've all made mistakes, and and I've had to come back to conversations and apologize for things that I've said. But that's the nature of being human. But the expectation as I return my faith is those things should happen less and less and less and less. I had a conversation a couple years ago, and it was not, it was somewhere, it wasn't here, it was a different church that I was working with at the time. And there was a gentleman in the church who was going around, he was speaking of me, and he was talking about me. Uh, he was saying things that weren't exactly nice or friendly in any way, but but he was willing to give conversation uh to anyone who was willing to listen. You ever found those people? Those are my favorite people. Like they like they test the water. They walk up to you and they're like, hey, did you hear what Stelto is doing? And and they they gauge their conversation with you by what happens. If you acknowledge it, they're like, oh, and then all of a sudden they're like, oh, did you hear about that? That was crazy, right? And then people like me, they don't like people like me. Because people walk up to me and they're

Gossip As A Maturity Test

SPEAKER_00 15:14

like, hey, did you hear about stone stuff? And I'm like, who? And they're like, what? And I'm like, what? Like, what are you talking about? And then they just like wander away. Listen, I was like that's intentional, but sometimes just because I'm oblivious to like things that are happening in my life. But but but people who are gossipers, they are drawn to people who love gossip. But they shy away from people who don't want to talk about things. And so we were having this conversation, and uh the gossip had finally found its way back to me, and it was it was stupid. It wasn't true. Uh I'm not even sure where it came from. And the person who told me to gossip, their response was, well, I'm just telling you what they said, and that's who they are, they've always been that way. James says that's not an excuse. It doesn't matter if you've been someone who's gossiped your whole life, if you are someone who's seeking to be mature in Christ, taming your tongue is evidence of your maturity. And an untamed tongue is an evidence of immaturity. That's why I didn't want to do James 3. Because James 3 puts in perspective that the words that come out of my mouth are a reflection of where my heart is and where my maturity in Christ is. If I'm a gossip, a slanderer, a complainer, someone who's negative all the time, that's immature. And James says, brothers and sisters, this cannot be. He says, You and I cannot praise our God, our Lord and Father, with the same tongue and then leave and curse this creation. You can't sing worship songs on Sunday mornings and gossip about how bad your neighbor is on Monday. That's not worship. You and I are called to be more. Oftentimes, we're called to speak less, to listen more. Like Chuck Sargent came up to me last week and two weeks ago and said that it was his uh grandmother who used to tell him that we have two ears and two eyes, and one mouth for a reason. Two ears so we listen more, two eyes so we see more, and one mouth so we talk less. And listen, that that's biblically sound. And James is saying, watch what you say. Because you and I have the ability to speak life or death into people. A small spark can destroy a relationship, it can destroy a church, it can destroy families, it can destroy job opportunities. One conversation can set an entire forest on fire if you and I are not careful. Obviously, James isn't around during our time, but if he was, I almost 100% confident he would write this to anyone who feels like social media is the place to go for everything. Typing everything, saying everything, putting everything out there. Be careful what you say, be careful what you type, be careful what you think. Because out of the heart, the amount of speech. And this is why it's difficult, because it's so easy for us to attack people with our words and then walk away as if nothing happens. It's so easy for us to excuse away gossip and slander. Because it's not really hurting anybody, is it? It's easy for us to look at them and say, Well, that's that's how they've always been. James says that's not an excuse. If you are growing in Christ and you'll ensure your mouth should be transformed.

Social Media And Fast Opinions

SPEAKER_00 19:35

And this is what I love about this conversation. It's not about behavior modification. Like we're not just trying to cuss less or say the wrong things less. We're not just trying to be careful what we say, and that's important. But he's saying at the core of who you are, your heart is a reflection, your mouth reflects where your heart is. So be transformed in your mind and your heart and the way you think. And that transformation is going to be evident in the way that you speak, the things that you say. He says, That's maturity. That's what it is to grow up. And then he gets to the second half of this, and he's talking about wisdom, and he says, Who is wise and understanding among you? Let them show it by their good life, by deeds done, and the humility that comes from wisdom. He says, But if you harbor bitter envy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast about it or deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from heaven, but it's earthly, unspiritual, demonic. Demonic. That's the word he uses. He says, wisdom that is self-seeking, arrogant, prideful, is demonic. These are not of God. He says, where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder in every evil practice. Envy is the opposite of unity. Selfishness is the opposite of unity. He says, where you find these things, you find disorder, corruption, distortion, abuse.

Worldly Wisdom Versus Heaven’s Wisdom

SPEAKER_00 21:22

These things are earthly, they're demonic, they're seeking to be our own selfish desires. He says, Don't do this. It says peacemakers use the own peace. The world seeks its own gain. The world seeks to satisfy itself. The world feels that they're justified in everything that they say, right or wrong. The world revels in gossip of slander and distorting it and backroom conversations. The world is constantly looking to cause division and strife. He says, brothers and sisters, this cannot be. Because if you are praising God with the same mouth that you're destroying your brothers and sisters, you sin. You're missing you, you and I are called to be so much more than that. He says, Man has tamed everything under the sun but his tongue. Brothers and sisters, this cannot be. This is not what you and I have been called to. You and I are called to speak lying to each other. For those of you who stand in pulpits, you're caused that your challenge to speak truth, to watch the things that you say, to not let your emotions get in the way, but but to speak the truth in the word of God. David says in Psalm 140, verse 3, he says, set a guard, Lord, over my mouth. God protect the words that are coming out, the things that I say, every thought that I have, God protect those things. Because taming the tongue is not only a sign of maturity, but it also can keep us from destroying the things that God is doing. I'd be a liar if I said that I don't struggle with this. I think we all do. Because when we feel hurt, when we feel offended, when we feel like we're not in our way, we just want someone to listen. We find someone that complains we don't like the way someone looks. We we make ourselves feel better by talking about the the way someone acts. I was at a restaurant once, DI. We're at a restaurant once, and our boys were there. And um so it was us and the three boys, and then right across the table from us was a mom who had three of her kids. And on this miraculous day, when the heavens opened up, all three of my boys are sitting at the table peacefully and not fighting each other, right? It was great. Like I loved it. Like Danny got to eat, I think. It was fantastic. I also have to, like, they're on this kind of eating. And so the mom next to us, her kids are I'm not saying they're mean, they're a little unhinged, and they're acting crazy. And I feel bad for her because we've been there, right? Like, I know. Like, there was a time we didn't go out to eat for a little while after never turn to because he smacked my mother-in-law in the face with a spoon one time when we were out to eat.

A Public Comment That Cuts Deep

SPEAKER_00 25:43

And we were like, we're never going out to eat ever again, right? So I understand what's happening, and so we're trying to like she dropped the trying to help her and and and things like that. And it doesn't bother me. I get kids are kids, man. And so this old gentleman who's sitting probably two tables down, he gets up, and as his wife are leaving, he leans over to us at our table and says, as loud as you could possibly talk in a restaurant, your kids are doing fantastic. I wish all kids would behave like that. And I saw the I looked at the mom's face and her just dropped, man. She was mortified. I didn't want to cause a safety. But what I wanted to do was stand up and tell that man to go sit down. Because how inappropriate is that for you to think, one, you're commenting about my kids on a good day. And two, why would you want to say something to me? Like you said something positive to me that intentionally hurt the lady next to us, and you knew exactly what you were doing. That's what James is saying. You cannot speak blessing and curse in the same breath. It doesn't work. And I remember as we got done with our meal, I leaned over to the mom and I said to her, it's okay. We get it. I was like, my kids haven't stabbed each other yet, so that's a that's a win for us. But it broke my heart because who are we that we have the right to say such nasty things to people? And that's what James is warning us about. He says, true wisdom seeks peace, it builds people up. And as believers, you and I are held to a much higher standard. We don't have the excuse of this is who this is who I am. No, you're not. If you have the Spirit of God in you, you are being transformed. The spirit in you is leading you, it's molding your heart, it's changing you to be more like Christ. If you've been doing this for a long time, or even if you're new to your faith, you cannot say this is who I am, because then you're denying the work that's being done in you. James says, you cannot do these things. Saltwater springs and freshwater springs don't exist. They can't. Brothers and sisters, watch your tongue, watch what you say. Because through your actions, through the words you say, people will find out to God that you're sitting. Your maturity is evidence. And a lot of times when it comes to our own personal faith, the first sign of maturity in a young believer is the ability to tame the tongue. Because God starts to work on the inside. But that's also one of the biggest struggles that we have because it's so easy to say things and not even think of the consequences. But again, Jim said it, brothers and sisters, this cannot be. It's not, it can be on a Sunday because you're having a bad day. It's not, well, you messed up because you had a bad day. He says, this cannot be. These are not things that coexist. Cannot worship God and curse as creations in the same breath. That's self-seeking, worldly, demonic wisdom. Instead the wisdom of God is peaceful. And it's considered, it's humble, and it challenges us and it grows us. It it improves the things we say, the things that we do. And so that that's that's the question that I think we all have to wrestle with is am I speaking life or am I speaking death? Am I encouraging those who are young in their faith to try to learn and grow and mature? Or am I tearing them down by convincing them that they'll never be good enough? Do I support the church that I'm a part of by the things that I say? Are we lifting up our leadership? Are we lifting up the ministers and the worship team? Are we lifting up the opportunities to reach to the masters and the outreach? Or are we tearing down everything we're trying to do? With conversations? Are we speaking blessings? Are we speaking cursings? And if we're speaking curses, then this is a time for us to grow up. Brothers and sisters, this cannot be. Your tongue is evil.

Speaking Life Or Speaking Death

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The things you say could destroy a forest. Watch your mouth. Be mindful of what you say. Be mindful of the conversations you and I have in and out of this place. Because it's a reflection of our heart. You can hide a lot of things. But when push comes the mut when push comes to shove, your mouth will always reveal where your heart is. That's scriptural. Jesus says this. Out of the mouth. And they're defiled. The things that they say, not what they eat, but the things that they say reveal who you really are. If I'm being honest, I don't like that thought. Because that means that I have to be reflective of every conversation that I've ever had, and every conversation I have really bored. Am I even what I'm teaching? Am I teaching truth? Am I saying things that are building up? When I'm having conversations about, you know, things that are going on, am I lifting people up? Am I condemning people? Am I making situations worse than they are? Am I speaking life or am I speaking death? I cannot, for his God, with the same mouth. Like first is creation. That's not godly wisdom. God, thank you so much for who you are.