Happy, Holy, Healthy Marriage

I Peter 3:1-7

Transcript

Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not
obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives,
when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be
external, the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry or clothing
you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the
imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very
precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn
themselves, by submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham,
calling him Lord. And you are her children if you do good and do not fear
anything that is frightening. Likewise husbands, live with your wives in an
understanding way, showing honor to the woman as a weaker vessel, since they are
heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
Let's take a moment to pray. Lord God, we thank you for the amazing gift of
scripture. We thank you for the gift of being able to gather together and hear
it read. And Lord, now as we work through this passage, we pray for the work of
your Holy Spirit, granting us faith, illuminating our hearts and minds, helping
us become obedient listeners and people who are formed more and more into the
image of Christ. So we pray for that. In Jesus' name, Amen. So the text that we
just read, our sermon this morning deals with marriage, obviously. And before we
get into it, let me say a couple things at the outset. So in a room like this,
obviously there are people who are married, but there are many more who are not
yet married, could be single, divorced, widowed, marriage is still to come. And
some of you will be married in the future, some of you have been already. But if
you're not currently married, it's very easy to hear a passage like this and
think great, a sermon about marriage. What does this really have to do with my
life? But let's remember, the letter would have been read, although we are
taking multiple weeks to work through the letter to First Peter, the letter
would have been read aloud in one sitting to the church. Some of the listeners
would feel specifically addressed by the instructions to honor the government or
to honor their employers. But some people are hearing this and they're thinking,
that's me, that's me. Some people are reading this letter and they're hearing,
that will be me. Or they're thinking, that's how I ought to pray for that
person, that's her. So the letter addresses the whole congregation in general
and it concludes by saying, finally, all of you have unity of mind, sympathy,
brotherly love, and a tender heart, and a humble mind. The letter as a whole
addresses all of us, specific passages of the letter address some of us more
than others and yet at the same time, we're a church, so this informs all of us
in terms of what Christ's likeness looks like. The focus this morning is on
husbands and wives, but the call to mutual love and to humility is for all of
us. So I wanna say that at the outset and then secondly, when we hear Peter's
instructions to husbands and wives, it's good for us to remember that every
Christian marriage, even the best ones, are going to have challenges. Marriage
was instituted by God and yet we live outside of the Garden of Eden. Marriage
reflects the relationship of Christ and the church and for that reason, it's
under unique attack. So there will be challenges, but there's also great hope.
This morning, we have wonderful practical instruction to husbands and wives as
to how they ought to live together. We're gonna follow the flow of the passage
and speak first to wives and then to husbands and Peter's essentially saying,
husbands and wives, here's how you want to treat one another. Happy, holy,
healthy, Christian marriage is possible and this passage is one of the primary
ones in the Bible that shows us the way forward. So let's follow the logic of
the text. We're in 1 Peter 3, verse 1 and that first word, likewise, helps us
see this passage is fitting inside of a larger discourse on submission.
Likewise, wives, be subject to your husbands so that even if some do not obey
the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they
see your respectful and pure conduct. But this idea of submission is threaded
throughout. Chapter 2, verse 13, be subject for the Lord's sake to every human
institution. Verse 18, servants, be subject to your masters with all respects.
Chapter 3, verse 1, wives, be subject to your own husbands. Three seven,
likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. Chapter 3, 8,
finally all of you have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart
and a humble mind. There's a theme of mutual submission that is threaded
throughout this. So in the background to all this instruction, submitting to the
government, submitting to bad employers, submitting to your husband who may or
may not even be a Christian, is what Peter says in 1 Peter 2, 12. He says, keep
your conduct among the Gentiles honorable so that when they speak against you as
evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of
visitation. That's Peter's concern, holiness in the midst of an opposing world.
So we see right away, wives are to submit to their own husbands. We've talked
about submission a little bit in Equip, but submission is not a popular topic in
our culture. People think of weakness, they think of male patriarchy, they think
of old Leave It to Beaver episodes. But if you read the New Testament, whether
you like it or not, it is unavoidable. Here in 1 Peter, in Ephesians, in
Colossians, the New Testament is very clear that wives are called to submit to
their husbands. But then we ought to ask, okay, well, what does that mean? I
wanted to find submission broadly and then to begin with, and then we'll kind of
develop the concept more as we go through the passage. Here's what submission
is. It's the calling of the wife to honor her husband's leadership and then help
him carry that out through the use of her own gifts and abilities. It's the
calling of the wife to honor her own husband's leadership and then help him
carry that out through the use of her own gifts and abilities. Before we even
get into that, let me also acknowledge that this passage in 1 Peter, and then
there are others that address submission, have been incorrectly taught in a way
that harms women. So that may have happened to you, you may have been in
churches where you've observed that happen. So as we're defining submission, let
me also talk about what it's not. We're not talking about submission to men in
general. In verse 1, the text says, to your own husband. We're not saying that
women should not express their concerns or their opinion in the home or that
they can never disagree with their husbands. We're not saying that women should
stay or be forced to stay in situations that are dangerous or abusive or
belittling. And we're not saying that submission means that a wife is required
to follow her husband into sin or into something that violates her conscience.
Okay, so with that kind of established, why should wives be subject? What are we
talking about? Peter gives us the reason and remember his concern throughout the
entire letter that the church is a witness to the watching world. He says, so
that even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the
conduct of their wives. So Peter's writing to married women in the church in
general and encouraging them to submit to their husbands, to honor and affirm
their husband's leadership, to help him carry that out, to use their gifts to
support him. And that is a hard command. That's a challenging command. It would
be easy for a woman, both then and now, to think, okay, yes, but I can't be
expected to submit to my husband because he doesn't really lead our family or
he's not even a good example to our children or he's just so dense. Whenever I
talk to him, I know he doesn't even understand me or he doesn't treat me with
respect. But the command is all encompassing. Most of these women were likely
married to believing men, but Peter extends it to include even the most
challenging situations, even if some do not obey the word. In fact, there's this
powerful and winsome aspect to submission. The scripture says that they may be
one without a word by the conduct of their wives. During our family's ministry
days in the Boston area, we were good friends with a family where the wife was a
believer and her husband was not. He was a great guy, but he was not a Christian
and he was not interested in attending church. He was also highly, highly off
the charts intelligent. He was a doctor at a large hospital in the Boston area.
He had graduated from Harvard. He's currently teaching at Harvard. He had a lot
of doubts and problems with Christianity and he was too smart for all of us. It
wasn't like, it wasn't a situation where he could just be like, oh, here's this
book by C.S. Lewis or Tim Keller. Just read that and he'll answer all your
questions. He had an answer. His wife loved Jesus and wanted him desperately to
become a Christian. She didn't nag him. She just lived out her Christian faith
in front of him and prayed for him and asked other people to pray for him.
Finally, this young man's daughter, his young daughter begged him to come to
church with the family. He did come reluctantly. But that did not convert him.
That was probably 13 or 14 years ago when he started coming to church. And
obviously, obviously I moved on from Massachusetts. It was no longer plugged
into the day to day life of the church out there. But in 2023, one of my pastor
friends called me and said, Matt, Marvin got saved. It's the power of the Holy
Spirit. It's the power of the Holy Spirit. But when I saw this man stand up in
front of the church and confess his sins and get baptized, I thought of this
verse. Even if some do not obey the word, they may be one without a word by the
conduct of their lives. I'm not going to try and say that happens every single
time. But submission is relinquishing your attempts to control and radically
trusting in the Lord. In verses three and four, Peter starts to explain the
posture or the mindset of submission. Verses three and four. Do not let your
adorning be external, the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry or
the clothing you wear. But let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart
with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight
is very precious. So these two words about hair and clothing and jewelry are not
disconnected from the commands to submit. They help us understand what the
posture or the mindset, the attitude of submission is. For clarity's sake, the
passage does not forbid braiding of hair or the wearing of jewelry, although
there are some religious traditions that have taught that it does. If it did, if
you read the passage that literally, it would also have to forbid wearing
clothing at all. So we don't need to read this over literally. Instead, what
Peter's saying is don't let what marks you out be what's external. Be
characterized by this instead. Don't let what defines you, what marks you out.
There's a contrast here. This was written to people who were in a culture that
was obsessed with beauty and physical appearance, not much unlike ours. That was
what was valued. That was where worth was found. Not much has changed. If you
are a woman, and it doesn't even really matter, it doesn't really even matter
much like what age you are, and you pick up a magazine or you scan through your
phone, how many seconds will it take before you get the message that you are
inadequate in some way? In this first period century time of social inequality,
there could also be great pressure on women to win their husband's regard and
affection by trying so hard to be desirable to him. What Peter's pointing out,
and what's reflected elsewhere in the scripture, is that inner beauty is far
more important than outward beauty. So there's a contrast here between the
values of the world and the values of the Christian woman. He's saying, don't
let your adorning be external. Don't let your focus be there. Don't find your
strength in that. The point is not that physical beauty or fashion or
attractiveness is a bad thing. It's a good thing. There are many women in the
Bible who are noted for their beauty. So the application of this scripture can
be taken to extremes of plainness or making a value of lack of fashion. But the
point is not to make your outward appearance your strength, your hope, your
identity, your preoccupation. Scripture teaches that physical beauty and one's
outward appearance, it's a fleeting thing. It's a real thing, but it doesn't
have the deeper lasting value of inner beauty. In our world we do this in
countless ways. We tend to make fleeting things ultimate things. Temporary
things, we try to make them permanent things. And Peter says, rather, instead,
let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty
of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. What's more
important than outward beauty is the cultivation of the inner being. Gentle and
quiet is speaking of trust in the Lord, I believe. It's not like talking about
your tone of voice, your personality. But in God's sight, that is very precious.
And by implication, there's a word here to husbands as well. There's a question
for us, like, do we see things as God sees things? It would be worth asking. Are
you encouraging your wife as she cultivates her spiritual life? Is that precious
in your sight? Or are you ... (audio failure) ... in God, it's
trusting completely in God, it's anchoring completely in God's sovereignty, and
it's doing that in relationship to your own marriage and honoring your own
husband's leadership. So Peter takes us to the Old Testament and makes the
general statement, this is what holy women do, they hope in God. Then he gives
us the specific example of Sarah. As Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, and
you are her children if you do good and do not fear anything that is
frightening. So of all the Old Testament examples that Peter could have pointed
us to, Sarah is a fascinating one, because she's not like a bland, kind of
milquetoast personality, and she did not live a life without great challenges.
Without getting into all the details of Sarah's biography, Genesis 12, when God
tells Abram to uproot and move into a land that he did not know of, he's 75
years old, and Sarah's 65 years old, and they go to a place where they don't
know anyone. Later in Genesis 12, Abraham takes Sarah to Egypt, because the
place that he told her, God told him to go to, is having a famine. As time goes
on, Sarah goes through all the grief that comes with infertility. In Genesis 18,
a messenger comes to them and promises that they will have a child, even though
Sarah is at that time 90 years of age, and Sarah laughs because it's so
implausible. Twice in their moving around, Abraham acts in foolish self-
protection. He tells, when Sarah's in a foreign country, he instructs her to
tell other people that she is his sister. He puts his wife in a compromising
position. I know that gets in an ethical area. We could talk about that. Sarah's
not under compulsion to follow her husband in telling a lie, but I know that we
revere Abraham as the father of many nations and as a man of faith. Genesis is
also very clear about his failures, and this is one of the reasons why Sarah is
a perfect example. She was in a situation that many Christian women are in
today. She's married to a good man who also makes a lot of mistakes and yet she
is commanded for her fearless trust in the Lord. And that is another great
definition of submission, fearless trust in the Lord. And Peter specifically
references this Genesis 18 passage where Sarah calls Abraham Lord. This has to
do with when the angelic visitors promise the birth of a child. So if you look
in Genesis 18, the visitors come to him. I believe this is Genesis 18, verse 12.
And they said to him, they make this promise, and they said to him, where is
Sarah, your wife? And he said, she is in the tent. The Lord said, I will surely
return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife shall have a son.
And Sarah was listening at the tent door behind him. Now Abraham and Sarah were
old, advanced in years, the way of women had ceased to be with Sarah, so Sarah
laughed to herself saying, after I am worn out and my Lord is old, shall I have
pleasure? And here's the point. Yes, there's a Middle Eastern cultural dynamic
with the word Lord. But even in her inner dialogue, even as Sarah talked to
herself, even as she laughed at the implausibility of what this visitor said, in
the privacy of her own mind, Sarah thought about Abraham with respect. And think
about what a powerful contrast that is to the way the world operates. Just think
about this. If you're a woman here, and let's say you have a chance to go out
for drinks or dinner, you have some sort of social engagement with friends or
neighbors who don't know Christ. Let's say you have this social engagement of
some kind. Here's just an experiment for you. Sit back and wait and see how long
it will take for someone to say something respectful about their husbands. Just
see how long that takes. I'm guessing you'll be waiting. You'll be waiting for a
long time. Think about the power of a Christian woman who fearlessly trusts in
the Lord. And she expresses that trust by speaking respectfully about her
husband and being willing to follow his leadership. She's not obsessed with
physical appearance. She's not controlled by fear and anxiety. That's very
precious in God's sight. That's the spiritual heritage that women receive from
Sarah. Give me a second to adjust this. We're gonna shift now to the husbands.
This is verse seven. So the focus now shifts to the husbands. So there are six
verses that focus on wives. There's only one given to the women, or I'm sorry,
there's only one given to the husbands. And yet this verse gives plenty to keep
Christian men occupied. If you look at verse seven, I'm gonna read this.
Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor
to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of
life so that your prayers may not be hindered. Such a powerful verse. I'm gonna
try and explain it phrase by phrase. Again, that word likewise shows that we're
continuing this discussion about how to live holy in the midst of a hostile
world. Peter does not tell husbands to submit to their wives, but rather he is
acknowledging they have leadership in their home. So this is how they are to
exercise that leadership in a loving way. He says, live with your wives in an
understanding way. So first, let's see, let's observe this. Living with suggests
actual physical presence. In the early stages of a dating relationship, and even
in the early stages of a marriage relationship, there's usually a lot of, let's
say, face-to-face time. There's a lot of living with. But then as time passes,
and the relationship takes on weight and responsibilities, there's a lot of
living more side by side. There's a lot of logistics about who needs to be where
and when and what needs to be done and what needs to get paid for. There's a lot
of those kind of complications that happen. It's easy for face-to-face, the
living with time to get squeezed out. And honestly, many men find it very
convenient to start avoiding that. The text says, husbands, live with your
wives. That means face-to-face, physical presence, and conversation. You cannot
just go, go, go all day long and end the day by watching TV and looking at your
phone. You can live with in a lot of different ways. You can find a date night,
you can go out for coffee, you can go for a walk, you can sit down at the end of
the couch at the end of the day and just talk. But that living with is
essential. And the living with, Peter says, is in an understanding way. In an
understanding way is a beautiful phrase because in some sense it is not highly
prescriptive. It helps us see marriage is not one size fits all. The idea is to
live with our wives, with gentleness, with tact, with intelligent regard, with
respect, with knowledge. So men are not called to understand women in general.
We are called to live with our wives in an understanding way. And in his role as
the head of the home, the husband is called to know his wife's needs and come
alongside her with understanding. Most men, I mean really most human beings, are
very aware of their needs and their desires and it's easy for those to take the
forefront. But most men are much more vague on what their wife needs. And when
she has a response that he doesn't identify with, it's easy to just think,
that's weird. The phrase in an understanding way, that does mean intelligent
regard, tact, but it can be applied generally, but it can also be applied
according to knowledge. That's actually the King James translation. And that
phrase has particular specificity to the sexual relationship. You know, in the
Old Testament, you might read like Adam knew Eve or that idea of knowledge
referring to the sexual relationship. In this aspect, in particular, men are
called to show honor, to show consideration, and to show care for their wives.
And if, if you are, if you're a young man, you're early married, maybe you're
headed in that direction, there is a good chance, there's an excellent chance,
that your expectations for sex are going to be highly informed by movies or
pornography. It's vital that your expectations are actually shaped by scripture.
A lot of men come into marriage thinking only about their needs and their
expectations. They put intense, they put intense pressure on their wives.
Becomes an ongoing source of friction. So let me just put it like this. Men, if
your, if your sexual relationship with your wife has become a source of friction
or tension or fear, it's time to stop blaming her and time to have a reality
check. Show honor to your wife, show understanding, ask God to give you
understanding. Showing honor to the woman, Peter says, as the weaker vessel. Men
are, we're called to honor our wives in our words and in our actions. Weaker
vessel, that can refer to the general fact that most men are stronger than most
women. It could refer to the women having less authority in the marriage
relationship. Or it could also refer to this idea of greater delicacy. I think
all are appropriate. It's all true, but none of it is demeaning. What would be
better? What is better? Like a 32 ounce stainless steel tumbler that you can
drop off the back of a moving pickup and it won't be scratched? Or a champagne
glass? Well, it depends. And one is weaker than the other, but both are good,
right? Both are good. Showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since
they are heirs with you of the grace of life. Husbands and wives are joint heirs
of the grace of life. And that refer, that phrase refers back to the beginning
of the letter in chapter one, where Peter talks about our spiritual inheritance.
I'm gonna read chapter one, verse three and four. Blessed be the God and Father
of our Lord Jesus Christ. According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be
born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the
dead to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, unfading, kept in heaven
for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith. So husbands, we
have this elevated role of leadership, but both are equal in terms of eternal
value and importance. Both have received great mercy. Both have the spiritual
inheritance. Both have been born again. Both await eternal life with Christ. The
person that you're married to is a joint heir with you. Your thriving is
mutually intertwined. You've both received grace, which means you're both doing
far better than what you deserve. You both have hope because your sins have been
forgiven. You both have received mercy from Christ. You're both on your way to
glory. You're joint heirs with the grace of life. So we're to live with our
wives with understanding and showing honor because we're joint heirs, and so
that your prayers may not be hindered. That is a very strong picture. It is
possible, it is possible for a husband to have good and noble dreams and
aspirations for his family. He wants to provide well. He wants his children to
thrive. He wants to advance in his career. He wants to serve God. He wants their
home to be happy. He can want all of that and then take his first priority, his
wife, for granted. Those are good things, but when that happens, look at what
the scripture says happens. His prayers, the very things that he is asking God
for, will be blocked. They'll be hindered. It's a warning to men. You don't want
your prayers to be hindered. That's what's at stake. You can be running so hard
after things that you think are important, and on some level, they are, but you
will be running on a treadmill. God will actually hinder your prayers. The
you're in this verse is actually plural, and it does help us understand that God
has designed husbands and wives to actually pray together. That's a struggle for
most married couples, and probably you should expect it, because Christian
marriage is affected by the world, the flesh, and the devil, and yet God's
desire is that husbands and wives pray together in unity. In what we see in all
this whole entire passage, as strongly as it cuts against the grain of our
culture, is that happy, holy, healthy Christian marriage, it's possible. Even
wherever you are today, it's possible. The Spirit of God has given us these
words to press into our hearts and to apply. You may read this and say, okay, I
need to confess. I need to talk to someone. But happy, holy Christian marriage
is possible, and the Scripture shows us the way forward. Let's pray. Lord God,
again, we thank you for your word, and as it challenges us and exposes our
failures and exposes our inadequacies, Lord, I pray that we would be pointed
towards Christ. Thank you for the inheritance that we have through the grace of
Jesus Christ. And I pray for your blessing on every man and woman in this room,
and I pray that you would use your word to make us more like you. In Jesus'
name, amen. Thank you.