Uplift at the First Colony Church of Christ
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Uplift at the First Colony Church of Christ
Episode 2, Interview with Diane Moore
Moms and dads, join us as Joel Smith interviews his friend and trauma specialist, Diane Moore for Episode Two. Diane is a from Vancouver, Washington, and specializes in Story Informed Trauma Therapy. She is a mom and grandmother, and has been a children’s minister, radio show host and, now, a full-time therapist. She brings a wealth of solid wisdom and counsel for parents.
Copyright free music: Cold Funk by Kevin Macleod, found here.
Lot of you and welcome to anchor point. This is the podcast of the first colony church of Christ in Sugarland, Texas. My name is Kyle I'm your host. Thank you so much for listening. We have an incredible episode for you today. Not kidding about this moms and dads, especially, but if you're a grandparent, that's, it's still just for you. If you are involved and engaged in the lives of children, nieces, nephews, whatever today's episode is really fantastic. Joel Smith, our children's minister will be interviewing a friend of his whose name is Diane Moore. Diane is a trauma therapist in Vancouver, Washington, an incredible story. She has an incredible story. She was in children's ministry. She was a radio show host for awhile, and now she is in trauma therapy and she is sought after so much that she doesn't even have a website. She doesn't even advertise herself or her counseling practice. Her days are filled with people who need her care and her counsel and what she has for you for you. Moms and dads is really top notch. Listen, this is a trying time. If you're a mom and dad, you got kids at home and you're not really certain of, of the future with education and how long you're still going to be at home. Uh, Diane has some really wise counsel for you. So we are so thankful that Joel has brought her into our space and into our lives and into our podcast. And you're going to enjoy this tremendously, everyone. This is Joel Smith's interview on zoom with Diane Moore. Thanks for listening. Let's get started. Hey, good morning, everyone. And welcome to anchor point. The daily podcast, the first calling church of Christ in sugar land, Texas. Today, I'll be your host, Joel Smith. And I have a very special guest talking to us all the way from Vancouver, Washington. Um, I'll introduce her and then I'll let her correct my introduction. As I remember, this is Diane Moore. Uh, I met Diane Moore years ago at a children's ministry conference. She was speaking and, uh, I was impressed. And I said, someday, when I grow up, that's the way I want to be. Um, but then she told me that journey that she took to get there. And it's like, you know, I don't really
Speaker 2:Want to go on the same journey she went on, but basically her husband worked at this startup software company in Seattle, actually Bellevue. And, uh, you might've heard of it, Microsoft. And, uh, they really felt called into ministry and they had an opportunity to go to Pennsylvania and they did their research and got advice. And people said, yeah, this is a great opportunity. So they, they quit this little startup got rid of their stocks, which weren't worth anything at the time and moved to Pennsylvania. Unfortunately it turned out to be a very bad experience and all the recommendation, uh, that, that had been given, uh, was incorrect. And, uh, peop people said, well, we just didn't want to give a bad report. So we didn't tell you the truth. And it was a very difficult time, almost like a crucible. And, uh, they made it through, but they lost everything in the process and, uh, God rebuilt their lives. Uh, and basically on them, I remember Diane mentioning the day they walked, they drove away from town. They looked back and she had never noticed this before, but the town was known for a Foundry and raw steel would come in one side and go through extreme heat and then come out on the other side, something more useful. And God has used her in many ways. She's been a children's minister. She's been a conference speaker. She's been, um, a therapist, a counselor. And I know her as my big sister, but, uh, welcome to anchor point, Diane Moore. You can correct me where I was wrong.
Speaker 3:Thanks, Joel. You're good fan. I can't believe you remembered all that. You were really listening,
Speaker 2:Uh, you know, on rare occasions,
Speaker 3:But man, you know, what I'm really distracted by is, is that you're from Sugarland, Sugarland, Texas. I'm like, what is that? Like, I knew you were from Texas, but like, what does that like, just like I'm from Sugarland, Texas. I want to say that right now. We're all about Ray moved to Texas just saying
Speaker 2:It's a great place. Well, I want to, uh, look for some of your expert advice and going back to your children's ministry, uh, being a mother with children who are grown as well as in your therapy and counseling, um, I just want to get right into it. So the year 2020 did not start out the way that most people envisioned and we're over halfway through. Um, and there's, uh, probably a lot of, uh, ideas, goals, desires, which the road to get from here to there is now totally gone, um, or it's majorly destroyed. Uh, and it's going to be difficult to get back. What kind of advice to you, could you give to someone say, let's say a senior in high school who didn't get their graduation, didn't get their prom, uh, hasn't even taken the sat test. Doesn't even know if they're going to make it into college this next year. They have to wait another year. What kind of advice would you give their parents as they try to encourage them in a difficult time?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel like in America we have been really sold this idea that our children are our main job is to give them a happy childhood. And, and I, I think that that is w being happy is wonderful and everything, but, but the primary goal, when we think about the world that we live in, uh, would rather be traded for, would be better traded for giving, um, a child, a chance for a happy adulthood, uh, well adjusted, emotionally intelligent, um, a life of character. And so, um, you know, if parents, I always used to say, you know, when we're on the radio show together, it was like, every problem is an opportunity. And this is hard times not to minimize that at all. It's extremely hard times in so many, so many ways, um, for our kids, but good for us to, uh, take those opportunities to teach about character and resilience. And, uh, I remember in our whole saga, um, one of the hardest times that we had, we, um, we were talking once to our kids and we said, we really wish that we hadn't done the asserted that their lives would have been a lot easier. That'd be not. And, um, our oldest son said, Oh, no, don't ever take that back. He said, when I watched you suffer and I watched you make decisions of character, it transformed my life. I, I run my life a lot thinking about that when I have to make tough decisions. So in every opportunity to teach resiliency and emotional, uh, you know, regulation, you know, it, life is, uh, ha you're only as happy as you know, how to mourn and grieve and handle the bumps, you know? And nobody's seen this in school.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Nobody's too sad about that except for the parents. Um, so one time when we were talking, you mentioned, um, about a little ladder of perspective, which takes you to joy. Can you expound on that?
Speaker 3:Yeah. I like to draw things cause I'm really visual. So I'm in my sessions now. It used to be where I would talk for about 10 years. I did more public speaking and still met with people, but now I'm a full blown therapist and, uh, I always like have a little paper to write on because I can't sometimes get the right words, but I would draw a bridge, the bridge to happiness. And that's what we all think we're on. I mean, you can get settled into your life and you forget, uh, you know, life is bigger than that, but, um, it gets blown up that bridge gets blown up and the things that we thought were going to happen. Um don't and so then you have to decide how, what you're going to do with that. And so I draw this ladder that goes up from a bridge and a bridge is a ladder is different than a bridge. And so at the top of this bridge, I draw a little cloud and it says joy. And, um, that's all we've got is when our, our bridge to happiness has been blown up. We have to take this ladder up to this other place. And the ladder is like, it's hard to climb a ladder. It takes work a lot of exertion. Um, and intention, it's not a laundering little, uh, trip across the bridge. It's like, no, every step has to be intended. And, um, you get up that letter. So the question becomes, what's the ladder? What is the ladder? Do you remember what the ladder is? Joel?
Speaker 2:You know, I believe it was a purpose. Uh,
Speaker 3:I think you have a great memory. Yeah. Purpose and meaning. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Which we don't always understand at the time, but what's cool is that as you climb purpose and meaning, you get to you,
Speaker 3:You get to joy, which is wellbeing. You know, we win the world. Doesn't use the word joy very much, but it's wellbeing. You know, we don't want to confuse joy with happiness cause it's not, it's a, it's a character trait. It's kind of the spirit in our life
Speaker 2:Side caveat, you know, as a parent, you picture happiness would be taking your kids to Disneyland until you get there and they're crying and they're miserable and you're thinking, how much money do I spend? That's not joy. It's a, it's a fleeting moment of happiness. You may have fun, but that's not joy.
Speaker 3:You know, I was so surprised the last time I went home. How many kids were crying in the happiest place on earth? Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yes. Well, so that takes us to happiness. You know, currently in our, in our times in America, we have a racial tension going on. We have COVID, uh, down in sugar land, Texas. Uh, we rely on oil and gas. And so any time the price of oil is low, our economy is really hurting. So we've got, uh, numerous things going on. And, uh, another talk that I really appreciated that you shared was talking about grace and, uh, uh, when you are suffering and struggling, uh, remembering what grace is and, um, and you kind of have a little illustration. So could you expand on that?
Speaker 3:Yeah. Um, you know, we tend to want grant grace. We tend to not want to always give it, but every single one of us will want to give, get grace. But, um, the, the illustration that I draw is just this, this side of this Lake, I draw a line on the corner, a wiggly line that just shows there's this Lake of grace that, um, is unending. You know, even though it only takes up a portion of the paper, I say, there's just no end at the grace. That's there for you. Okay. And so when we have to use grace with someone who thinks different than us is doing things we don't want them to do, um, we can choose, we can choose to use. And I draw a little spoon. We can use a little teaspoon and we can go over to that unending grace pool and dip out of it. And to sprinkle a little, little bit of it on this person that we need to give grace to, or then I take a cup and I draw the cup and I said, you could go get a cup and use that, or a gala jar. And then eventually I draw a 50 gallon drum. And I think about it, if you had a 50 gallon drum, you could get inside of that and immerse yourself completely in grace, but we don't tend to want to give that one word upset. And someone has been hurting our life and affecting us and maybe not caring. And, um, and so I remind them of the scripture that says that, uh, with the measure that we measure and use, that's what will be measured back to us. And that's set a couple of times in scripture. So, um, that's pretty spring then, what do you want to choose? But do you want to,
Speaker 2:I'll take the dump truck, which you forgot to mention. So we have grace and we give it and God gives it to us. Um, and then a couple other things. So as parents are home and, you know, I once heard it described like this, that, uh, when you, when you put everybody together, it's like putting a pot on the stove full of water and the stove is on, well, typically we, uh, you know, we're in, we're out, we're in, we're out. It's like you're putting the stove on the fire, off the fire, on the fire, off the fire. Well with time and staying home together, and it stays on the fire. Some whatever's inside begins to overflow the boundaries there. And so, uh, parents I'm sure have, have seen different things. I'm sure they've experienced different things as well, but, but one thing coming at it from a parenting perspective on rare occasions, your children might exhibit some attitude. And what do you do? What does that show you when maybe your kids are given you some attitude? Like you ask a simple task of, could you please take out the Trask and trash and, um, they, whether in facial expressions words or, uh, separating themselves from the family, you get the impression they're not excited about that opportunity to serve.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, you know, I I've, um, slowed that one way down since being a therapist, just because I see how valuable emotional regulation is and how needed it is, um, in, in our culture for, for people to learn how to regulate. And then also the connection between a parent and a child, and always putting that first of like, that's got to be, um, always nurtured. So instead of running to, um, you know, the, the, the piece that we want to use to move them to be different, or come back and take out the trash, be first emotional attunement. So always first with your child, emotional attunement, emotional attunement. And I did do that with the radio show because, uh, some, but I think I would emphasize it more now, but, uh, I remember seeing, um, the several times in the show, you will probably at some point in your life, if you have, uh, any children at all, uh, any number you'll probably hear one of,'em say, I hate you. You know, I don't know, Joel, your kids probably never would say anything like that, but I hate you. And, and instead of the lecture or the teaching, it would start with, I get that. You're frustrated. I get that you're frustrated. And when we do that, we're more like the God of job who allowed job to be where he was with all his losses and, and just let it out at God. And God looks bigger because he can hold that and listen to it and then answer back. But, um, to notice that they're in a state, they're in some sort of state that you either want to ask them about it, or you can call it, say, I can tell that you're frustrated, um, and that can bring the energy down all by itself. And then, um, not it not being about behavior that they're, uh, they're not taking out the trash. That's not the problem in our family. Uh, we said, attitude is everything. You know, if you've got the right attitude and my kids were asking if they could get something like tattoo or something like once. And I'm like, you know what? I don't think that you don't have the attitude that goes with that. You know, they, it didn't end up doing it and we're glad that they didn't, but, um, attitude is everything. And so then you can move in after you check out how they're feeling what's going on inside. And, um, and if there's one that could go a lot of different directions, depending on what's going on inside, you could have a great discussion come out of that. They can be frustrated, like we are frustrated and you teach them what, what does a man do? Which is a woman do when she has frustration, you want to take it out that way. Here's some more productive ways. Do you know what you need? Do you know how you could take that energy out that you feel and do it differently? Maybe productively, even I would say, go fold clothes, you know, take some energy out.
Speaker 2:So, um, you are attuned to parents attuning to their situation. Uh, then, uh, you feel that you're feeling their pain, but then eventually you do need the trash taken out. So what do you do?
Speaker 3:Yeah. And you're not really, I mean, attunement is, I'm noticing your inner world. I'm just noticing, I'm amazed. How many of my clients I say, yeah. How many of you, your parents knew what was going on inside of your, or wanted to know what was going on inside of you? And, um, I'm amazed how many, no, no. Neither parent were concerned at all about what's going on inside of them. So, and that makes you a bigger parent, a stronger leader to just say, I care about what's going on inside. You know, however, um, it's still not okay to, you know, hit the wall or not take out the trash. So, uh, you want them to take out the trash still, what are you going to do, obviously, what do you need to do? I would let them solve it. The older your child is they should be solving their own problems. What are you gonna do? How are you going to, how are you gonna solve that? And you earn that when you listen to him and you say, what's going on in your world. What's, what's this about, you know, I love it to say, that's not like you, if it's not, because we're so quick to say, Oh, you know, that's bratty or whatever, and, and do the curse thing. But to really bless them and say, that's not like you what's what's happening inside, you know, what's going on?
Speaker 2:No, you mentioned attunement. Um, so there, I remember, uh, but I don't remember. I remember there four different things that at least for that parents should have regarding their children. And oftentimes when their children are seeing a therapist, one of these four things was not present. Do you remember what those are? So you mentioned the tune mint, just a couple others. Um, what are some of the other things that parents can look for and say, okay, you know, if I'm giving myself a report card right now on a tuning and wanting to know what's going on in my kid's lives, uh, you know, I'm here. I need to be there. Uh, there are two or three other things I know Brad young mentioned, uh, in his podcast that you pointed me to Adam, young, Adam, young Adam Young. I'm sorry. Uh, do you remember what they were? Am I putting on the spot?
Speaker 3:Um, um, attunement and then engagement. Do I think are the, and then there, I think there's only one more, um, like right now what it is, but, um, but it's staying with the child. You're doing the parenting. It's the parenting is not getting the garbage out parenting is helping them do something that they can't do right then. And you know, you know what I remember saying this on the show, many times you've heard this. It's like, why don't we expect children to be adults? Like when they mess up, we're like, you know, instead of like, Hey, I get to actually be a parent, you know, otherwise they're not going to need me someday. I mean, all my kids are in their mid thirties. They don't need me anymore. Not like that. And it's kind of sad. And, uh, so it's a temp job. Look forward to whenever the, the, the little, um, flag goes up that says, Oh, this is a parenting moment. You need me.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. That's one of the things I always appreciated is that you see problems as opportunities, um, which I do too. Um, so that's exciting. Uh, anything, you know, we're, we're coming toward the end of our time, but if you could give advice to parents today, you've touched on a 10 minute. Uh, you've touched on, um, I wasn't being a good listener, but I forgot what it was.
Speaker 3:Do my engagement engagement, just that after you attuned to it, it's just, it's this moment where you go, what are you feeling? And, uh, what is going on inside of you? Because, uh, because kids do all kinds of things because they're not taught to pay attention to what's going on inside of them. And so then that, that rules them. You actually have more control over yourself. If you teach yourself to, or your parents teach you how to pay attention to what's going on inside.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah. But can I, can I end with a story? Absolutely. Thank you. I just want to talk about my grandkids. Okay. But this is the power of emotional regulation and start young, or is this podcast for parents of older kids or little,
Speaker 2:All the above parents, grandparents, you know, new parents, whoever listens.
Speaker 3:So I'm going to give you an a, I'm going to tell you what I was like as a parent versus what I'm like as a grandparent. I'm smarter as grandparent, much smarter plus three. Oh, well, my daughter in law and my son and my daughter, they're all therapist too. I know. And so I get to watch them with their kids and I'm like, they are, they're just beautiful. They're just beautiful. And I've learned so much more, but my granddaughter, I babysit her on Fridays. Cause I only work four days a week. So she comes over on Fridays. She's at my, and we, we sold our house and we moved four doors down from them. I wasn't that smart. Cool. Yeah. Smaller house, but we're okay. So, um, she comes to my front door and I don't know. And her mother doesn't know, but she's just seen her first, you know, just a little tiny stinkbug, but it terrifies her. She said her mom's arms and she begins to scream. Like we thought she's hurt herself. Like a, like somebody shot her. It was bad. She just screaming like terrified. And we looked around both her mother and I teared up because we're like, what is going on? What is going on? I saw the stinkbug and just like, okay, that's it. Now as a mother, I would have said, Oh, that's a stinkbug that's not scary. And I would not have helped her learn to master her own emotional regulation. So we just stood there. And we both said to her, uh, here a little bit gave her time to deescalate. We said, you're scared. You are scared. And her mother put her hand on her heart and said on, on the little girl's hurt heart and said, see, your heart is beating really hard because you're scared. And, and it's like a balloon that's really taunt. And it just started getting the air out of it. And so she gets calmer and we're like, okay. We said, Oh, you know, that, that right there is that what you're scared of? And it took a long time compared to like a mellow. That's scary, you know, is that what you're scared of? And she's like, yeah. And so we kind of let her calm down just a little bit more. We're still standing in the doorway. And, um, and I said that, that looks scary. You know, I can imagine that looks scary. Yeah. I said, you know what? It is, it's a distinct book. And she's like, Oh, I said, do you know, what's funny is it looks scary, but it's not. And she's like, Oh, and now she's almost all the way home. And I said, um, they call it a stinkbug. Cause if you step on it, it stinks. And then she's all the way down on the ground. Now her monster be able to put her down. So she's looking at it up close. And I said, um, what do you want to do with it? Or do you want me to do something with it? You decide. So, um, she said she wanted me to step on it and she wanted me to leave it there. So I sat on it, left it on. It was on the threshold, outside my house. But all weekend she comes bringing her dad, everybody. She can talk.[inaudible] she's two years old and young, young, all about that. Stigma made all the difference in the world for her. But I know, um, her emotional regulation is being, being built. That story happened when she was two. Now she's four. And she knows how to dismiss herself. If she feels overwhelmed, she did it today at my house. She said, Oh, she was frustrated because she couldn't get the right words. And she just went off into a room. That's hers and shut the door. Not slammed it. But she went to just breathe, collect herself so she could come back when she wasn't so frustrated. Yeah. Pretty cool. It is pretty cool. You don't, we need to teach our kids these things. It's how they manage in their adult life. When life is really frustrating, we have a lot of stuff going on. You know, I'm having to do some pranks right now. You don't me. Joel. I might get frustrated. I have to prank people and I've been breaking a little bit to get that frustration out.
Speaker 4:You have monster contacts still?
Speaker 3:No. Oh, we'll have to talk about that later.
Speaker 4:Well, Diane, I so appreciate you joining us today and giving us some insight into parenting for all of our listeners. Thank you for joining us on anchor point a ministry of first calling church of Christ in sugar land, Texas. We look forward to connecting with you again tomorrow. God bless. We'll see you soon. Bye.