What You Can Do To Help a Grieving Pet

This podcast does not provide medical advice. Please listen to the complete disclosure at the end of the recording. Hello, everyone, and welcome to Everyone Dies, the podcast where we talk about serious illness, dying, death, and bereavement.

I'm Marianne Matzo, a nurse practitioner, and I use my experience from working as a nurse for 43 years to help answer your questions about what happens at the end of life. And I'm Charlie Navarette, an actor in New York City, and here to ask questions that you may have while listening to our broadcast. We are both here because we believe that the more you know, the better prepared you are to make difficult decisions, especially at the end of life.

So please relax, get yourself a little something to get in to eat, maybe some cake and a drink, or cake and milk, or just cake. And thank you for spending the next hour with Charlie and me. In the first half, we have our recipe of the week.

And since it's our second birthday, happy birthday, Charlie. Happy birthday, Godfather. Oh, sorry, Marianne.

You know, this is also the anniversary of the Godfather, 50 years ago, Marianne. 50 years? Yes. So we only... I don't think my mom would have let me see that when I was five.

How is that possible? Yeah, when you were five. No, so only another 48 years and we will catch up with the Godfather. Of course, by then it'll be at 100 year anniversary.

But I know, who would have thunk? Who's counting? Who would have thunk? Who would have thunk? So congratulations. Thank you. Happy birthday to us.

And we just had our first show hit a thousand downloads. How exciting. And which episode was that? The one on breathing at the end of life.

Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know, yeah, that's... I remember I asked so many questions with that because breathing is probably like my second favorite activity. Yeah.

Don't ask me to explain that. Because you can hold your breath when you're drinking martinis, right? Is that advisable? I don't know. But walk on the wild side, baby.

Yes. And in our second half, Charlie's going to talk about how pets grieve and how you, as their pet owner and lover, can help them in their time of grief. And in our third half, we have a poem.

So, Charlie, can you believe we are starting our third season today? Yes, I can. Okay. Now, now, now, now, now I can't believe it.

It was a little rough sailing at first, just because we needed to get our sea legs to expand that, expand that metaphor. I don't know. It's just, it's just really, I can't think of any other word, but it's really cool, which doesn't really... Yeah, yeah.

Like, wow, man. You're like, wow, man. Dude.

Yeah, it's pretty great. And I was talking to somebody the other day who said, most podcasts fizzle out after seven episodes, and we have had over a hundred. I didn't know that.

Wow. I know. So what is the secret, Charles? You.

No, it's you. No, really, what do I do? I discuss martinis and the occasional murder. No, it's you.

You are able to put, like you said, you're 40 plus years into just regular conversation. I know you research this stuff, make sure everything is up to date. But even if not, you just, this has been your life for 40 years.

So you just speak about this with authority and knowledge. And that's what it is, in a very, not simplistic way, but in a way simple enough for the average Joe, you're truly included, to understand. The average Charlie.

The average Charlie to understand. I mean, that's what it is. It's not, it doesn't matter how much, you know, it's how you are able to say it so that, you know, so that, you know, the average person understands this.

Because it's one thing if something is complicated, this is not only complicated, it's also very emotional. And while it's getting, it's becoming less and less taboo, it's, people do not like to discuss this. Well, I think maybe if it's in the abstract, they might be willing, but when you start talking about your own death, or the death of someone close to you, that makes it harder.

And then the grieving just goes on forever. And that makes it harder. Yeah.

And then, and then for us, when we, you know, cause we, you know, always talk about, you know, prepare, you know, you need to plan this stuff in advance while everyone is cool, calm, collective, the conversation might be difficult, you know, but better to have it while everyone has a clear head than somebody, somebody has died. And so, yeah, okay, fine. So, um, you know, before there, there's a crisis, uh, you know, a crisis suddenly appears and there is no plan.

You don't know what, what anybody, how anybody would have wanted to die, any, nothing. I mean, you, you, I mean, just think about it, folks. Just if there's, you know, if you're in a panic situation, most people do not click, you know, cannot think clearly unless of course you're Jack Reacher.

Uh, but apart from Mr. Reacher, um, or Reacher, um, yeah, you can't think clearly and you are just susceptible to every emotion inside your body. And then if there are family members and. All their emotions.

Yeah. Yeah. You, it's really.

The dog's emotions and. You need to have the talk and we're not talking about the sex talk. It's the other talk about, you know, what do you want.

Talk about sex too, as much as you can. Well, I, well, as a teenager with people growing up, absolutely. Yes.

Yes. No, just with strangers even. I mean, you know.

So yeah, I can just see you at that conversation. Um, the. Oh, absolutely.

We have that. Oh, wait a minute. I was going to say, but yeah, yeah, actually.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Oh my God. I just had that conversation last night too, with a bunch of strangers. Wow.

Wow. Sex or death? No sex. Well, actually it was, um, it started.

For sex and death. It started actually both. Um, it started just, you know, this general conversation about, about sex.

And then that's when I brought up death. Is that, you know, just basically it's nice that, you know, people can, not everyone's talking comfortable talking about sex, but at least now people are more open about it. And I wish people would, which segwayed me into, and I wish people would be more open about talking about death.

Um, and then that's how, I segwayed into that. Yeah. And then it was all over after that.

Um, no, actually everyone, everyone was interested. It's not like anybody's like, oh gosh, are you out of your mind? What are you talking about? No people. And then just people just started talking, which is nice.

Cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Cool. Well, happy birthday to us. I'm going to ring that bell.

Oh, good. Put that ringer out. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't put it away.

So let's go to our recipe of the week. Um, you know, I don't know if our listeners know, but we talk about it enough, but Charlie and I both grew up in Michigan. And when I was growing up, one of our favorite family cakes was tomato soup cake.

Have you ever had that Charlie? Tomato soup cake. See, if you were down river, you probably would know about this. Anyway, I remember my mother making it and I really liked it because of the frosting, um, because it had this like wonderful cream cheese frosting and because it was sort of strange to have a cake with tomato soup in it.

And I like strange things. And if you, you know, Charlie. Yeah.

I like you. So in celebration of our second birthday, I thought I would step back in time to this cake. I remember that once carrot cake was invented and just to be clear, it wasn't invented prior to my mother ever baking it.

So, I mean, it could have been around for a hundred years, but if my mother hadn't baked it, it hadn't been invented in my child's mind. Um, but once they, my mom started making, um, carrot cake, she didn't make tomato soup cake again. Um, carrot cake had the spiciness and the cream cheese frosting and nuts and raisins.

So the tomato soup cake recipe card was retired. So fast forward to 2010, my sister was in hospice care and I drove from Oklahoma to Michigan for what I knew was going to be the last visit with her. And we started talking about food that we liked because our family was very food.

And, um, I, I don't know if she brought up tomato soup cake or I brought up tomato soup cake. And when, back when my mother died, um, my sister had taken my mom's recipe book. It had all the recipes my mom had collected from newspapers and neighbors and families and friends.

So we pulled out this notebook of my mother's and we kind of went down memory lane with the recipes and where they came from. And my mom always named the recipe by where she got it from. So it had Mrs. Novak's nut roll or Mrs. Scotch's yeast rolls, or Mrs. Brzozak's pastries.

And we realized that we were the last two people who knew the, who knew who these people were, um, you know, which house on the street they lived in and had eaten these original foods that the recipe was now in the recipe box. And it was, you know, cause my street, you know, my neighborhood was those, you know, tract housing that was built right after World War II. All the houses looked alike.

Everybody moved in at the same time. They had kids at the same time. You know, we all grew up together and, you know, my mom died when she was 89.

So at that time, people, you know, these people who had made these recipes had died or moved. Um, and it was like this really kind of weird experience that we knew who these people were, but we could give them to our, this book to our daughters or anybody else. And they'd say, first of all, they wouldn't say any of those names correctly.

And they wouldn't know who they were or which house they lived in. So as I looked through this notebook, I found the recipe for tomato soup cake. My sister happened to have a can of tomato soup.

So I made the cake for her and we talked as I baked and the smell in the house was wonderful. And once I cooled and frosted it, I took a slice over to her and she took one bite and she said, that's just how she remembered it. That was all she wanted was that one bite.

I took a bite and remembered it tasting better when my mom made it than it really did that day. You know, the cream cheese frosting was wonderful. And I don't know if anybody ate the rest of the cake, but I know that I'm not the only one who enjoyed tomato soup cake as I was growing up.

Sylvia Plath baked her mother's tomato soup cake on the day she wrote Death and Company in 1962. And since her death in 1963, Plath's recipes have become a source of obsession for many as it's also a subject of a popular Twitter account. What's the name of it? Do you remember the name of the Twitter account? Oh, I didn't write it down, but I bet if you looked up Plath recipes, you could probably find it.

Although many now associate this culinary curiosity with Plath, it predates her by really four decades, if not more. The earliest known printed version of the cake dates back to 1922, according to research collected by the Campbell Soup Company. By some anecdotal accounts, tomato soup cake was popular among Irish immigrants in New England, although no one can say for sure who invented it.

Spice cake recipes from the turn of century cookbooks call for early forms of baking soda, which required acid in the presence of heat to create a reaction that generates carbon dioxide bubbles, which is going to make the cake rise. So you can see a resourceful baker running out of buttermilk and going through a pantry for something to substitute it. And because tomato soup was acidic, it provided the acid to make the reaction occur the same way applesauce would have done in the soup cake's ancestor.

So the cake's popularity skyrocketed during the 1930s and 40s when the food shortages caused the grape depression and World War II rationing left many American households reeling. As incongruent as it might seem, tomato soup proved to be the secret weapon to home bakers. Condensed tomato soup was both gelatinized starch from thickeners and pectin from the tomatoes themselves.

Both of these keep water in suspension, creating a moist cake. So first released by the Campbell Soup Company in 1895, the tinned tomato soup was cheap and readily available, unlike eggs, butter, and other forms of fat and emulsifiers typically used to keep baked goods from tasting like sawdust. That can be replaced by pureed fruits or vegetables, and the condensed soup qualifies just for that, which is easy to see why reaching for a pantry staple in a time of shortages could occur.

Tomato soup was just one of the cakes born out of the necessity during the series of crises that defined the first half of the 20th century. All such recipes were marked by the conspicuous absence of expensive or difficult to source ingredients. In 1949, tomato soup cake made its debut at the New York Times.

In 1960, Campbell Soup printed a version of the recipe on the sides of the soup can, and in 1964, the Joy of Cooking ran a recipe for mystery cake, confining in readers that the deep secret is tomato, which after all is a fruit. In the 1950s, as the economy was booming and Americans were eager to forget about wartime scarcity, so eggs and buttery frostings began showing up in tomato soup cake recipes. Since convenience foods, including canned soups, were fashionable, most of these recipes called for the addition of a boxed spice cake mix from Duff's, Duncan Hines, Betty Crocker, and Pillsbury.

In the 1960s, when button pans were all the rage, the company poured soup-latered batter in one of these signature ring-shaped molds. Around 1966, a cream cheese frosted version surfaced, which remained the most popular version to this day, which made me think, well, yeah, 1966, that's about, you know, I would have been, you know, nine or so years old. So yeah, I can relate.

While other recipes born of scarcity, for example, mock apple pie made out of Ritz crackers have faded with the times, tomato soup cake has proven to be pretty resilient. The cake resurfaces in the pop culture every few years. Campbell says about 65,000 people a year still look for the recipe, a figure that spikes whenever, say, a TikTok influencer rediscovers it.

There's a reason that tomato soup cake recipes over the years have gone by mystery cake or magic cake. This cake may have been born out of necessity, but it endures because every generation loves a party trick with a big reveal. Please go to our webpage for the receipt or recipe, your choice, and additional resources for what? This program.

We hope you will follow us on Facebook and Instagram and remember to rate and review this podcast. As a licensed to kill, no, wait, that's James Bond. As a licensed non-profit, well, that explains my paycheck.

It means we are dependent on the kindness of our beloved listeners. We take that seriously, Charles. Yes.

There's no profit. Yeah, no. Well, not monetarily, but there's much profit because listen, because, because, uh, so sweet, because listen, with all, you know, all funding aside, if you, if, if you folks find this podcast helps you, you know, please go to our website to donate so we can continue to provide quality shows about serious illnesses, dying, death, and bereavement.

And please remember all of this is tax deductible. Your donations are tax deductible. So you can reach us at www.everyonedies.org. That's every the number one guys.org. And as an example of the type of death stuff that relates to you from scientific reports in nature, one of the most cited scientific journals in the world and people magazine, 86% of dog owners reported negative responses in their surviving dog after the death of a canine companion.

So folks grab a drink, not too much, lest you require the hair of the dog. And let's take a closer look. Using the validated mourning dog questionnaire and here mourning, as in someone died and you are experiencing grief, 426 Italian adults who owned at least two dogs and one of them died completed the questionnaire to explore how and what a dog may experience over the loss of a companion dog.

Turned out the surviving dog changed in terms of activities like playing, sleeping, and eating and emotions like fearfulness. The amount of time the two dogs had spent together had no effect on the behaviors of the surviving dog. Owner's perceptions about their dog's reactions and emotions were not related to the memory or suffering of a death.

These findings indicate that a dog may show grief related behavioral and emotional problems when an emotionally related fellow dog dies, possibly influenced by the owner's emotional status. The ability to mourn has been suggested for a variety of other animals such as great apes, whales, dolphins, elephants, and birds. Dogs might display grief of a close relationship due to their high social nature.

Dogs form emotional bonds which may include companion animals in their household, so removing that companion can be expected to cause behavioral changes such as grief and mourning. Scientists inquire about the relationship between two dogs in terms of friendliness, combative behavior, and mutual tolerance. The questionnaire included a background check of shared items and activities between two dogs before one died, such as sleeping, fighting, playing, and behavioral changes in the surviving dog.

After the death of one of the dogs, owners reported that negative behavioral changes included increased intention seeking, playing less, reduced level of activity, sleeping more, increased fearfulness, and eating less. It was also determined that dogs living in the same household might develop a strong bond, regardless of whether they had a strong relationship. If dogs were used to sharing food, for example, the surviving dog was more likely to reduce his or her level of activities and sleep more after the loss.

Attachment in social species, such as dogs and you and me, is important for survival when splitting the check after a big night out. The attachment between a caregiver and a dog has been cited as an explanation for the strength of the human pet bond and the intensity of pet loss in humans. Research indicates that it could also affect any canine survivor's behavior as well.

The level of fear in the surviving dog corresponded with an owner's level of suffering, anger, and psychological trauma. Data suggests that these three human reactions had three levels of impact on the level of fear in the surviving dog. First, a hypothesis that a perception of an owner suffering or angry might trigger fear in the surviving dog.

Second, the owner's suffering, anger, and psychological trauma may have affected how they perceived their dog's emotional status. Surviving dogs showed no difference in behavior whether or not they had seen the body of the deceased dog. One researcher reported that, upon viewing the deceased animal, 73% of dogs sniffed and investigated the body of a dead canine companion, while only a small number showed no interest.

Man, now that's cold. Third, a surviving dog may perceive a potential threat deriving from a companion dog's death and seek the owner's help to deal with the situation. If the owners themselves are angry or grieving, they may be less able to give the dog the help it is seeking, resulting in increased anxiety and fear in the dog.

Changes in an owner's attitudes and behaviors after the death of a dog might be important factors in the surviving dog's behavior because a dog expects or anticipates events that are no longer happening. As widely reported in other studies, changing a dog's routines, even unintentionally, could result in anxiety or frustration. The study concludes that behavioral changes and their association with the dog's relationship and social bonds might be indicative of separation stress after loss.

The duration of the time that the dogs live together does not predict behavioral effects. This is potentially a major issue that has been overlooked considering the relatively high number of dogs that live with at least another companion dog plus the number of aging dogs. They are therefore at high risk of experiencing the loss of a close companion.

The understanding of behavioral patterns after loss in animals can be helpful in recognizing their emotional needs. However, even if we recognize the importance of these findings, more research is needed to confirm it is grief. People Magazine concurs, quoting the study, roughly a third of owners said that these behaviors lasted between two and six months after the death of their canine companions, and a quarter reported that they lasted more than six months.

So how do you know if your pet is grieving? Well, they may become depressed and listless. They may have a decreased appetite and decline to play. They may sleep more than usual and move more slowly, sulking around.

When signs of grief become evident following the loss of an animal or human family member, concerned owners can help their dogs deal with grief by doing the following. 1. Spend extra time with your dog. Try to divert your dog's attention by engaging in her favorite pastimes.

Go for a walk, play a game of fetch, take a ride in the car. 2. Be more affectionate. Make a point of petting your dog more often.

Make eye contact and talk to him by verbalizing routine household activities. I don't know, for example, okay, Scout, let's load the dishwasher. If your dog enjoys company, invite friends over who will interact.

A little human variety can pique your dog's interest. 3. Provide entertainment while you are gone. High treats popular to your dog, household locations for him to find, or fill a foraging toy with food to keep him busy while you are gone.

4. Reinforce good behavior and ignore inappropriate behavior. Some mournful dogs vocalize or howl without provocation. Although it is hard to do, try to ignore this behavior.

5. Resist the temptation to give your dog a treat to quiet him, which will only reinforce the behavior you want to change. Firmly tell him to hush and reward him if he complies. The reward doesn't have to be food, a hug will suffice.

You may also try to break the howling cycle by distracting your dog. Instead of approaching him, which may be interpreted as positive reinforcement of undesirable behavior, try calling him to you if he needs your command. Praise him and initiate a distraction with a walk or a game.

6. Consider medical therapy. If your dog has prolonged difficulty following the laws, ask your veterinarian about the use of a behavior modification drug. There are several medications that can serve as adjunct therapy and may enhance your efforts at resolving behavioral issues associated with mourning.

Your pet's doctor may want to do blood and urine tests prior to prescribing medication to rule out systematic problems that could affect behavior, such as thyroid problems, diabetes, or electrolyte imbalances, to name just a few. 7. Think carefully about replacing a lost pet. If your dog's grief is due to the loss of a canine companion, don't rush to find a replacement.

Give your dog time to grieve and adjust to the loss. Introduction of a new dog may add more stress to an already stressful situation. Dogs have a much narrower social structure with set boundaries that extend only as far as the inside of the house or the perimeter of the yard or the walking path around the neighborhood.

Their days are focused on a much smaller social periphery that may include only the other pets and people within the immediate family unit. When a member of that family unit is gone, there is a huge void in the dog's life and they may need help in dealing with loss. Okinawa.

And he had a Doberman, 10-year-old Doberman that they wouldn't allow to go. So Brody became number four of the dog, with four dogs in the house. And I guess Dobermans are known to have heart issues.

And big teeth. Big teeth. So last week he went into heart failure.

He started getting increasingly short of breath. And then, you know, like two days before that, he was running with David three miles. So it just like it came on pretty quickly.

And he collapsed on the porch. And so we called Okinawa so that everybody could talk to Brody and the other three dogs. I took pictures because the other three dogs are right around him, right next to him.

And then we carried him in the house. And Luna, our COVID dog, went and laid with him. And I gave him something to help Brody manage his breathing because he was so extremely short of breath.

And he kind of calmed down and drank some water and came and hung out with us. And then just a couple hours later, just collapsed again. And that was it.

And the dogs have done really, really well. And I don't know if it was because they sat with Brody and we talked about what they used to do with Brody. Or also, you know, like what you're saying about the grief part of it, you know, like we're sad he died, but, you know, we didn't have him for those, you know, 11 years.

We had him for one of those, you know. So our relationship was certainly different. So maybe that was the factor because the other three dogs are, like, I keep looking for signs that they're grieving or they're upset, but they're doing good.

And then also, I mean, they also, like, have each other. So, like you said, you know, they have been a unit. Well, yeah.

Right. So for our third half, this is a reading that I found. There's no citation of who wrote it, but it must have been written by a veterinarian.

So let me tell you about this. This reading starts, Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a 10-year-old Irish wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron and his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found that he was dying of cancer. I told the family that we couldn't do anything for Belker, and I offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. So we made arrangements.

Ron and Lisa told me that they thought it would be good for their six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him.

Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, and I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion.

We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that dogs' lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, well, I know why. Startled, we all turned to him.

What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I never heard a more comforting explanation. It's changed the way I try and live.

He said, people are born so that they can learn how to live a good life, like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right? The six-year-old continued, well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long as we do. Remember, if the dog was the teacher, you would learn things like when your loved one comes home, always run to greet them. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and wind in your face to be pure ecstasy. Take naps. Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily. Thrive on attention and let people touch you. Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the tree. When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be faithful. Never pretend to be something you're not. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

And to continue on a theme, the poem At the Vets by Maura Stanton. A German shepherd can't lift his hindquarters off the tile floor. His middle-aged owner heaves the dog over his shoulder, and soon two sad voices drift from the exam room, discussing heart failure, kidneys, and old age, while a rushing woman pants into the office, grasping a terrier with trembling legs she found abandoned in a drainage ditch.

It's been abused, she says, and sits down. The terrier curled in her lap, quaking as a memory of something bad returns and returns. She strokes its ears, whispering endearments, while my two cats, here for routine checkups, peer through the mesh of their old green carrier.

The smell of fear so strong on their damp fur, I taste it as I breathe. Soon the woman, like the receptionist with her pen in midair, is listening too, hushed by the duet's swelling in volume now. The vet soprano counterpointed by the owner's baritone as he pleads with her to give him hope.

The vet, trying to be kind, rephrasing the truth over and over until it becomes a lie they both pretend to accept. The act's over. His dog's to stay behind for ultrasound and kidney tests, and the man, his face whipped by grief as if he were caught in a wind, hurries past us and out the front door, leaving the audience, cats, terrier, people, sunk in their places, too stunned to applaud.

And that's it for this week's podcast. Please stay tuned for the continuing saga of Everyone Dies, and thank you for listening. Like sand through an hourglass, so are your toes at the beach.

I don't know what that means. Fans, now, we're talking about anniversaries, and fans of the Godfather will remember as gangster Peter Clemenza is leaving his house to go to, well, work. His wife reminds him to pick up Cannoli.

Clemenza's job for the day is to kill Pauly Gatto for betraying Vito Corleone. Pauly drives as Clemenza sits next to him while Rocco, Clemenza's underling, is in the back seat. Eventually, Clemenza has to take a leak and tells Pauly to pull over.

As he is relieving himself, Rocco puts three bullets in the back of Pauly's head. Clemenza walks back to the car where he says, leave the gun, take the Cannoli. This is Charlene Everett.

And I'm Marianne Masso, and we'll see you next week. Remember to romp and play daily, and that every day is a gift. This podcast does not provide medical advice.

All discussion on this podcast, such as treatments, dosages, outcomes, charts, patient profiles, advice, messages, and any other discussion are for informational purposes only and are not a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment. Always seek the advice of your primary care practitioner or other qualified health providers with any questions that you may have regarding your health. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard from this podcast.

If you think you may have a medical emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. Everyone Dies does not recommend or endorse any specific tests, practitioners, products, procedures, opinions, or other information that may be mentioned in this podcast. Reliance on any information provided in this podcast by persons appearing on this podcast at the invitation of Everyone Dies or by other members is solely at your own risk.