From Loss to Life on the Road: Christy Balduf's Journey Through Grief, Healing, and Hostel Living Artwork

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BHostel is the storytelling podcast that captures unforgettable hostel moments from real travelers around the world. Hosted by journalist and former hostel employee, Bryant Perkins, each episode features raw, immersive stories of connection, chaos, and personal growth—told by the people who lived them. From chance encounters and culture shock to heartbreak, friendship, and self-discovery, these are the true stories that make travel unforgettable. Whether you're a backpacker, digital nomad, or simply hostel-curious, BHostel brings you into the shared rooms where everything changes. BHOSTEL, where strangers become storytellers! Explore more at bhostelpod.com or contact hello@bhostelpod.com.

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From Loss to Life on the Road: Christy Balduf's Journey Through Grief, Healing, and Hostel Living

August 16, 2025 • MGP • Season 3 • Episode 1

When Christy Balduf's world shattered with the loss of her 8-year-old daughter, she faced an unthinkable question: How do you keep living when the center of your life is gone? In this deeply human, unfiltered conversation recorded inside Austin's iconic Drifter Jack's Hostel, Christy shares her path from single motherhood and unimaginable grief to rediscovering herself through travel, community, and the unexpected sanctuary of hostel life.

We unpack her journey from Tyler, Texas, to the drum circles, hiking trails, and creative spaces that helped her stay alive—and the promise she made to her daughter that keeps her moving forward.

If you've ever faced loss, wrestled with depression, or wondered how travel can be more than just movement—it can be survival—this episode will stay with you long after it ends.

Listen now for real hostel stories, raw traveler truths, and uncut lessons from the road and as always, trust the process and YOU B THE STORYTELLER!

To learn more about the BHostel podcast and the hostels we call home, head to bhostelpod.com

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Bryant Perkins here from the BHostel podcast, and we are so excited to let you know that we are going to be releasing season three of the show this summer, 2025. But first, we want to get you reacquainted with everything and all things BHostel. By reintroducing you to the archive episodes from when we first started in November 2020, in Austin, Texas.

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I hope you enjoy them. All the ones that I've picked out and that the team has worked on have had the deepest messages and have resonated with all of us, and we hope they resonate with you as well. Enjoy and unpack these archive episodes with us. Let's go. Hey, Bryant Perkins here at the BHostel podcast. We're known for real, raw and uncut stories.

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Trigger warning this is one of them. It involves the death of a child, self-harm and grief. If you're sensitive, now would be a good time to turn off this podcast.

Well, we, we went back up to ICU immediately as she had this allergic reaction. They let me stay, during the emergent part of it. We, you know, we're trying to get her to, start to compensate with her lungs and that her heart rate, rest try rate, trying to get it to go down with just nasal cannula, trying to do, blow by.

00:01:24:15 - 00:01:46:21

And, eventually, you know, they had to intubate her. And at that point, I thought we had gotten her stable…

On this episode of BHostel we explore the grief of a mother who's just lost her child. She's tried to start a new life for herself inside of Drifter Jack's Hostel in Austin, Texas. This is an archived episode.

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Drifter Jack’s (Hostel) since closed, and this woman has gone on to do miraculous and amazing things with her life. Let's unpack this episode together.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. Welcome back to BHostel. Sitting across from me is Christy Balduf from Tyler, Texas. Tyler, Texas. And we're in Drifter Jack's Hostel in Austin, Texas.

So how did we get here?

Well, it started at the beginning of the year. And I was in my hometown, Tyler, Texas, and my daughter, Sophia, was eight years old.

00:03:07:09 - 00:03:31:13

(She)Developed a, kind of persistent cough, and we couldn't really figure out what was going on with her. I was friends with her pediatrician. We worked on some, stuff in the community together, and she didn't have the flu, and we weren't really sure why she wasn't getting any better. And then, we decided to get a chest x ray and found out she had a very large infection.

00:03:31:14 - 00:03:53:13

So what, what I thought was just a normal childhood illness that happens in the winter time.

How old was she?

She was eight years old.

Eight years old?

Yeah, eight years old.

What time? What year was this?

This was, beginning of 2020.

So January 2020.

Okay, so in January 2020, she, you know, we were in the ER, and they she had a very large infection.

00:03:53:15 - 00:04:22:10

They, took her, via them, flights, the helicopter, to Dallas and in that emergency room, as they were treating her, they found out that she had leukemia. They just took a random blood sample. And, while she was in, the O.R., they, told us she had a particular kind of leukemia. That was, pretty advanced and that we would need to stay in the hospital.

00:04:22:10 - 00:04:39:05

So, for about a month, I lived in the hospital with her. It was just me and her in the home. I was a single mom, so, her dad did come and visit, but, you know, this was kind of on me.

00:04:39:07 - 00:04:58:21

Yeah. So we found out when she was, in the O.R. that it was more than just, respiratory infection that she had leukemia. And we need to immediately move into the hospital. So we were at Children's Hospital, for about a month. And so we were into February, and one night, her father had come to visit.

00:04:58:21 - 00:05:23:19

And so I got a little bit of a break. I left, and I came back and, they had asked me if they could give her another infusion of blood because she was well into her chemotherapy and, you know, her blood cancer being low. So after that blood, she just started to not feel well, that progressed into what looked like, like an anaphylactic, allergic reaction.

00:05:23:21 - 00:05:53:20

And so what's the timeline you said from January? 2020.

So. Yeah. So January 2020, she was sick. Late January is when we were flighted. And so we were, like three and a half weeks in the hospital. At this point, I had prepared for a year of living in the hospital. And then another year of treatment after that when, this was just a few weeks in to her treatment.

00:05:53:20 - 00:06:21:20

Okay. So that so the blood transfusion is only a few weeks. Is it just a few weeks into her getting her chemotherapies? They've cleared up the infection in our lungs, but this is full on pretty early.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, we found out really just in the middle of the emergency room that she had leukemia, and her pediatrician even came and visited me and was like, she didn't present, the way we expected her to, at my master's in health sciences.

00:06:21:22 - 00:06:42:14

So I'm used to teaching about pathophysiology, anatomy, and physiology. And so when I go to the pediatrician, she usually talks to me, you know, knowing I have this background information, we even listen to my daughter's lungs together and didn't suspect, that she was this sick. She was just compensating so. Well, as children do sometimes when they're sick.

00:06:42:16 - 00:07:03:21

So it was a really big transition to go from a healthy child who was almost never sick at all. We never had any broken bones. We never had any major surgery. There was no kind of red flags. There was no red flags whatsoever other than just in January. This lingering, you know, fever and cough that just wouldn't go away.

00:07:03:22 - 00:07:29:00

In hindsight, looking back, because she presented so differently with the respiratory illness and it wasn't flu. It could be that we'll find out later, epidemiology wise, that cases were already in the Dallas-Fort worth area and she could have contracted Covid. Oh, wow. But that I didn't even would have let that's what would have let us know that she had leukemia, because if not for the rest of illness, we wouldn't have found out about the leukemia.

00:07:29:01 - 00:07:56:18

Well, at that time. But all that to say, it's really, I haven't gone through the autopsy to know exactly what, caused her death. What we think it is, is she had this rare, Well, it's not really rare. It happens when you, women who give birth and then people who are in leukemia, in chemotherapy, this is a common complication is a disc, which is basically something where your blood both clots and you bleed out at the same time.

00:07:56:18 - 00:08:19:14

So she went, we went back up to ICU immediately as she had this allergic reaction. They let me stay, during the emergent part of it. We, you know, we're trying to get her to, start to compensate with her lungs and had heart rate, mystery rate, trying to get it to go down with just nasal cannula, trying to do, blow by.

00:08:19:14 - 00:08:43:03

And, eventually, you know, they had to intubate her. And at that point, I thought we had gotten her stable. And, and because I've worked in emergency rooms, I knew what, this process looked like. And so at that point, you know, they had asked me, is there anybody you want to call? And there was not. I've never really, there was nobody in that moment that I felt like would give me support.

00:08:43:03 - 00:09:05:23

It would just be a hindrance to me. So for me, I knew her father.

You felt, he couldn't have emotionally handled all that was going on with her. So is. Where is he in all of this?

Well, we were co-parents. We accidentally, got pregnant together, after we had dated a little while, and I was my father's cancer caretaker, and it was the end of his life.

00:09:05:23 - 00:09:26:22

And as I was caring for him, he, would just want it to be around in there for me through, the end of my father's life. And so that's the time we got pregnant. And so we didn't go into this planning to have a child. We weren't married. We weren't in a long term relationship. And so, we said, you know, well, let's live together and try to parent together.

00:09:26:22 - 00:09:48:15

And living together didn't work out. So, when she was about three years old, he moved back to, Fort Worth. And so we were living in a town. It was about 2.5 hours away from him. So he definitely did visit. We had a good relationship. She was in her life. He was in her life, definitely. But, I was always the main parent there.

00:09:48:16 - 00:10:06:07

I made a lot of the decisions. And he was okay with that. And he also was understood that I took on a lot of that responsibility. I was the one who morphed my life around parenthood. And then he kind of it was a side, more of a side thing for him. Very much loved his daughter, but he, you know, he didn't live with her.

00:10:06:07 - 00:10:31:16

He didn't, you know, he didn't know what was going on with her doctor visits or make decisions related to her school. He just he left all that up to me for lack of inquiry or just, maybe just maturity, you know, like he was. You know, 21 years old when he had her. And so that time he was 24 and I was older, and I had already raised a child with my sister.

00:10:31:18 - 00:10:51:14

How old were you at the time when you met him?

I was 29.

You were 29?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So, So, yeah, that that moment in the emergency room or in the ICU at that point, I thought she was stable. I did call him and said, okay, you know, you need to come up here.

00:10:51:14 - 00:11:12:04

Something's happened, but she's okay. The chaplain of the children's hospital was sitting with me and, you know, I kind of relaxed a little bit. And then I got up to walk to that there, and I look over and, her heart rate was flatlined, so she had coded.

Oh, wow.

And so, I was just in a very surreal moment at that time.

00:11:12:06 - 00:11:37:08

I didn't expect any of this. I, you know, I…knowing she had leukemia. Yes, but I didn't expect just within a matter of, at that point, I don't know, maybe two hours, from the time she started to tell me her stomach hurt and she just didn't feel well, to that she had flatlined. And so I watched that, and I watched them go through the code.

00:11:37:10 - 00:11:57:09

And again, I've worked in an emergency room, so I know, you know, after they've tried to restart the heart twice and after they've given the three different medications and then they've pushed and, you know, nothing is happening. And I knew you know, I knew at that point and I, I remember the chaplain was standing beside me at that point.

00:11:57:09 - 00:12:26:04

It was, one of the on call, a pediatric oncologist who was standing with me because, he hadn't arrived yet. And I looked up and I was thinking about how long the code had been going on, and I knew she had permanent brain damage at that point. And so I looked over and I couldn't remember at what point, that we, when a, when a code is there in the emergency room, there's a point where they know that there is not much hope left, but they continue to try.

00:12:26:04 - 00:12:50:17

They did try to put her on bypass.

Were you allowed to stay in the room?

I was allowed to be there the whole time, which was very difficult. But I was very thankful because at that point I started to pray and I started to talk to her, and I asked her to please not leave. But I told her if she had to leave, that I would be okay and that she needed to do whatever she had to do.

00:12:50:17 - 00:13:15:12

But please don't leave me. Please don't leave me. But again, I knew at that time what the body had gone through. And so as I watched them, you know, slow down, people had been lined up to do chest compressions. I watched the the ICU and the ecology in the E.R. physician start to slow down, and I knew what that meant.

00:13:15:14 - 00:13:20:14

And no one had told me that she was gone. But.

00:13:20:16 - 00:13:48:12

I had been there for other people going through that, and I knew. I knew they just weren't saying it to me yet at any point in time before this…

Before she coded, had you thought to prepare yourself for the worst?

No, because whenever they told me she had leukemia, they told me she had an 80% survival rate. I really expected that if I would have to prepare for her death, it would be after our initial rounds of chemo, the remission to see if remission held.

00:13:48:14 - 00:14:09:01

It's just it was it was very like. Yes, you know, she has cancer, but, you know, leukemia is very treatable.

And we've come a long way in the last few years.

Exactly. So I was prepared for living with an ill child, and I was prepared for adapting my life to what we would have to do to get her through treatment and years of waiting.

00:14:09:03 - 00:14:35:16

But I didn't realize that she would be gone in a matter of hours.

So, and in the midst of that, looking back on it, did you feel any sense of selfishness? Was there any guilt attached to that or did you had that not crossed your mind?

You know, I think that whenever I started to beg her to stay, I thought not for me.

00:14:35:18 - 00:14:51:06

You know, my first impulse was to say, you know, please, I can't live without you.

Got you.

But then I, I realized if we were in a situation where she was about to die, I didn't want her to.

00:14:51:08 - 00:15:12:05

To harm herself for me. And so that's why I. You know, I just, I all I can call it is prayer, because we don't really have a great word for what it is to talk to the spirit or soul of another person when they're not conscious.

If you use the word prayer, do you believe as though she heard you?

00:15:12:07 - 00:15:34:15

I do. I very much, at that point, as I was saying, that I didn't know because I didn't know what would happen. But once, once I kind of went in and they, they let me go in with her and I, and I could see her, I could see her or her body and see that her spirit was not was not in her body, but still felt present.

00:15:34:16 - 00:15:54:04

I waited, for for him to get there and I, you know, told him that she's gone. I knew they were going to ask me.

Her father?

Yeah. Her father's name is Victor. And I waited for Victor before I, before I said anything. But I knew that they were waiting for the shock of it to wear off for me.

00:15:54:04 - 00:16:19:13

Enough to ask me if they could unplug her from the bypass machine.

How?

When I tell another person I don't. It's hard to explain how I knew all these things, but I did. You just I knew I knew that was what was happening. So I got very peaceful because I thought, she is still here, and I have to help her not be afraid of what's happening.

00:16:19:15 - 00:16:43:15

So I sat by and I held her hand, and, he called his family, and they came and, I called them. My family was a couple hours away, and and they eventually came, and we were able to stay with her. They turned the, the ICU, ICU room into. All I can describe is, as a hospice room.

00:16:43:19 - 00:17:20:09

When my father passed, that's what they did for him was they had a room for us that we were allowed to sit with him as he passed on and decide when we were ready to leave his body. Thankfully, I had already, then through having to organize his passing on to understand, you know, like, how to call, a funeral home and arrange for her body to be taken for cremation and how to, you know, she wanted to have what I would need to ask for instead of buried.

00:17:20:11 - 00:17:53:06

Oh, wow.

So, I think that what got me here to the hostel and why I…

Why?

This is part of why I'm in a hostel.

Is that surviving motherhood?

Unexpected motherhood and then, surviving, PTSD and anxiety and depression, which I already was dealing with before having a child. I, I already knew what it was to, to have suicidal thoughts and to want to not to not live.

00:17:53:06 - 00:18:12:16

And I knew what those warning signs were when you were really, not wanting to live any more. And it wasn't just a thought because it, it is more common than people think to think about suicide. When people are depressed, they do think about suicide. That doesn't mean they're not going to attempt it. I do actually have an attempt in my, my background.

00:18:12:16 - 00:18:45:07

So, paired with that, I have training in, mental health first aid, and I work in public health. So I knew that I needed something that would keep me going because I knew that I was going to really face not wanting to live without her since my whole world. So she was the center of my world. So I laid down with her, and I promised her that I would not leave this place, that I would not leave her, that I would continue here.

00:18:45:09 - 00:19:12:11

No matter what happened. So once I made that promise to her, I knew that I had to build things into my life that would make me live. So travel became what my brain latched on to, when she passed away. A lot of my friends were nervous that I. I told them I'm going to move out of this house.

00:19:12:11 - 00:19:40:11

You know, I, I had had a nice home, a little two bedroom in a quiet neighborhood that had a great school district. We had friends with, age peers that she played with in the neighborhood. I was really lucky in getting to a parent, in a single parent home and still give her a pretty traditionally idealistic childhood.

00:19:40:13 - 00:20:07:15

She had a backyard. She was able to ride or bike in the neighborhood. She knew her neighbors, you know, the teachers at her school. We were at, art Academy, and they held community events, like right down the street from our house.

So. And let me know you have so when you when you speak of community, when you speak of her knowing her neighbors, did you see a show of support from that same community?

00:20:07:17 - 00:20:31:00

Oh. Her passing. Absolutely. Yeah. I don't think I would have survived the first few days or been able to, to have her memorial the way I wanted without that, because, this was, you know, the first cases of Covid were on the West Coast at the time we were in the hospital. So as she was passing, as, as we were getting a memorial together, it was literally quarantine time.

00:20:31:00 - 00:21:03:08

And the quarantine was about to commence on that Friday or that Saturday. And it was Friday. And, I, I don't, have. I don't have a church that I wanted to hold any sort of, spiritual service in for her because, when my father passed, my sister had a pastor who volunteered to, to run a service for him, and I asked him not to proselytize during the service, and he did.

00:21:03:09 - 00:21:34:00

And that was very, that made it very difficult for me to trust that any sort of clergy or, pastor priest would honor my wishes, that I didn't want her passing to be a way for them to preach about God. And in fact, we have a lot of Christian friends that did support me through this. But I didn't want that to be the center, because that's not how I didn't raise her in a Christian tradition.

00:21:34:00 - 00:22:05:07

I raised her, and…

Why was that important? Why was it important to you to keep her away from the Christian faith?

In that sense, we because we lived in the Bible Belt. And so, Christian beliefs are often attached to power where I'm from. And belief systems that are upheld by systems of power. Like, you need to believe this or you don't really fit in our community.

00:22:05:09 - 00:22:19:04

I have a big problem with that. I have very strong spiritual beliefs. I wasn't I was not, hard to articulate this.

00:22:19:06 - 00:22:41:20

My grandparents were part of a, doomsday cult. And so I was taught very, I was forced to regurgitate certain beliefs to my family growing up. And my parents, and I've just to come to the will of my grandparents. But I'm a very I was a very strong willed child. And so I thought, well, I'm going to go find the truth.

00:22:41:20 - 00:23:24:11

So I did for a long time go to different Christian churches Baptist, Methodist, Jehovah's Witness, Mormon, and kind of went around and figured out, like, which one do I fit? So for my teen years, I was very strongly Christian. But then as I got into college and started to, study what causes people to be unhealthy or healthy, and I learned that it was less about an individual's choices and more about the social cultural context in which they live and how things like race and class and gender matter a whole lot in terms of whether or not you can live out a healthy life.

00:23:24:13 - 00:23:52:10

Those things, when applied to the area that I'm from, one of the first questions you're asked is what church do you go to? And if you don't have a good answer, this can impact who lets you know a new job is coming up or whether you get invited to certain places. And I, I didn't like that attachment of of spirituality to power.

00:23:52:12 - 00:24:21:13

Because what I saw in power differences was the state of or the, the source of, health in humans makes sense. And so for me, those two were incompatible. You wanted to protect your daughter from me, and I wanted to protect my daughter from, being told that she had to believe a certain thing. And I knew that that's what many of her peers and many of her peers, parents, in our town and in our region of East Texas, believed.

00:24:21:13 - 00:24:42:10

So I sought out, friends in a school system where people didn't do that. Gotcha. I did have friends that were very strongly personally Christian. They had those spiritual beliefs, and we didn't have a problem because I knew the Bible very well. And I do actually believe, you know, teachings of Jesus. I believe teachings of the prophets.

00:24:42:10 - 00:25:10:00

It's just I didn't want the particular vein of this is the way things have to be for all people to be, taught to my child. I just for me, that was, you don't take something sacred and force you don't you use that as an oppressive mechanism for others.

Exactly. I could see that. Fast forward is you're here, you're in this hostel.

00:25:10:02 - 00:25:33:11

You've had your community support you and moving out of that environment that you were familiar with. And now you're here.

Yeah. This is just the tail end of a journey that I decided I'm going to go on the road. I'm going to visit as many beautiful places as I can. And by beautiful, I mean, full of life.

00:25:33:11 - 00:25:50:06

I, I got into health because I loved science and I loved nature. And so I was like, I'm going to go west and go out into the desert and see these, you know, places that I've read about in books and never had the chance to go see. I'm going to go up into the mountains. I'm going to go to the ocean.

00:25:50:08 - 00:26:19:07

She and I traveled every summer, and I took her to places where we could do lessons about the earth and animals and water and all the things that sustain us as human beings. And so I needed to continue that, in my life so that I would have something that held my attention to know that goodness existed in the world, and that the value of beauty itself and nature.

00:26:19:09 - 00:26:45:05

They’re going to be the reminders to me that I needed to stay here and exist on this earth.

How have you come to execute some of those things that you've wanted to do living here?

So, living here allows me to get out in nature. I think that living here is the tail end of a journey.

00:26:45:07 - 00:27:10:05

Well, I can't travel anymore. I've kind of run out of money to, you know, buy food without having a job. Let me land somewhere that there are places that I can go out and hike, and, I can go into parks and be around water and start to figure out what is next in my life.

00:27:10:07 - 00:27:41:07

And I notice that you've taken on some extracurricular things in and around the Austin area. What are those things? And have they added to your sense of peace or added to, your ways of coping, or are they just things to take your mind off of?

I think a little bit of, taking my mind away from the feeling of lack or the feeling of what I know that anchors me is no longer there.

00:27:41:07 - 00:28:00:00

So I need to distract myself. So that's a little bit, but I think the things you mentioned, I go to a drum circle, on Sundays, and I, I dance at that drum circle. I think the other side of this, besides just keeping myself distracted, is reminding myself who I was before I was, a mother.

00:28:00:02 - 00:28:22:22

Being a single mother means I had to be breadwinner and caretaker and decision maker in my home. So there was little time to think about the things that interested me or what I was passionate about. So I, I started drawing and painting again. I've started dancing again. Going to drum circle for that, hiking. You know, something I did with her.

00:28:22:22 - 00:28:43:00

But now I actually get to go out and meditate in nature. Those are things that are coming back into my life because it really was a part of who I was before motherhood took over all of my time. Now I have an abundance of time, but it's almost like I've forgotten. I forgot that I still love to read fiction books.

00:28:43:00 - 00:29:12:12

I love fantasy and sci fi series. And I just I haven't done it in years. And so now I think that doing making myself get out and do things around Austin is reminding me of parts of myself that have been long dormant.

Now we're going to thank you for sharing. And I hate to wrap up the conversation, but I want to wrap it up with a very important question.

00:29:12:14 - 00:29:40:15

To others who have experienced the loss of a child, and they are searching for ways in which they can continue to live on, what would you say to them?

I would say to talk to them as if they were still here, and ask them what they would want you to do? I carry around, a dragon toy of a book series.

00:29:40:15 - 00:30:09:08

She was into young adult science fiction books. And so I carry around her dragon Glory, the reigning, and she travels with me wherever I go. And I've started to draw and think about, you know, different places that Glory could go in my drawings. I would say that honoring the things that they loved, is a way to think about how they would want you to continue on with, with the connection that you have with them.

00:30:09:10 - 00:30:36:20

And that's beautiful. And I thank you again for sharing you. Please let everybody know your name one more time.

My name is Christy Balduf from Tyler, Texas.

Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that episode. I hope you learned a little bit. I hope at the very least you got to experience somebody else's story of hope, setback, triumph and perseverance.

00:30:36:22 - 00:31:03:21

Come back with us next time and we'll unpack another one. And that's it for this check-in. I'm Bryant Perkins. This has been the BHostel podcast, where every story starts with the backdrop of bunk claim and new chapter waiting to be written. And if you felt something from this episode or just vibe with the journey, do me a solid - like, subscribe, drop a comment and share it with someone who needs a little hostel wisdom in their life.

00:31:03:22 - 00:31:29:12

This story, just like most of the ones we tell, came straight from travelers like you got a wild experience, a hard truth, or a moment that changed everything. Hit me up and be hostel podcast. Let's get your story out into the world. And don't forget BHostel is more than a YouTube channel. We've got a podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever else you tune in.

00:31:29:13 - 00:31:59:22

We go even deeper there. Unfiltered hostel tales, uncut lessons, and real stories from the road that we sometimes can't even post here on the channel. Major shout out to our supporters and subscribers. You. You keep this show moving from bed to bunk city to city. If you want to support the pod, subscribe, leave a review. That's it for now.

00:32:00:00 - 00:32:21:21

Until the next check-in. Be well. Trust the process. And as always. As always, you be the storyteller.

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