296: The Greatest Superpower for Early Childhood Directors: Emotional Intelligence

In this episode of "Child Care Conversations," hosts Carrie and Kate explore the vital role of emotional intelligence (EQ) for early childhood education directors. They discuss how EQ helps leaders build trust, manage staff and parent relationships, and model emotional regulation for both adults and children. The conversation covers the benefits and potential pitfalls of high EQ, practical strategies for staff training, and tips for handling difficult conversations. The hosts also share resources for ongoing professional development and encourage directors to find a healthy balance between empathy and self-care in their leadership roles.

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Transcript

Marie 00:00:03  Welcome to Child Care Conversations, the podcast where early childhood leaders like you get real world strategies, honest talk and a whole lot of support. Whether you're running one center or many. We're here to help you lead with confidence and clarity. This episode is brought to you by this quarter's sponsor, playground. The all in one child care management software. We're all about managing monkeys and saving you time at your center. With this platform, you can. We're proud to partner with a team that's as committed to your success as we are. Learn more at Tri Playground Comm. Now let's get into today's conversation. One we think you're really going to love Kari.

Kate 00:00:51  What? I hear that sometimes directors have superpowers.

Carrie 00:00:57  I mean, yes, they're all superheroes.

Kate 00:00:59  Well, I hear that there's this one superpower your emotional intelligence. Tell me more.

Carrie 00:01:09  Well, not all of them have that one. So, emotional intelligence is that whole. How well you do at reading other people's social cues and giving them positive feedback. it's emotional awareness.

Carrie 00:01:30  I guess it's got self-awareness and empathy and the ability to regulate. And so since we talk about Co regulation so much in early childhood education, I really think that EQ which is what people call it or AI, I like EQ is really important in in any caregiving Giving industry. So whether they're nurses or teachers or hopefully a director. dentists, you know, people who should be able to have some emotional connection and get the clue when somebody else is uncomfortable.

Kate 00:02:13  Okay. So why does that matter in early child care?

Carrie 00:02:16  Because children don't have good words. They don't know how. And so many teachers say use your words when they're talking to kids who have lost their mind. And here's the thing. If they had words available to use, they would have done it. They don't got any words right now. That's why they threw the Tonka truck the other kids had, because they don't have it.

Kate 00:02:40  Because they don't know the words. I mean, I don't it's one of my favorite children's books. I remember reading was actually by Jamie Lee Curtis, and it was all about basically putting those words down, because I think what happens a lot of times is kids that then grow up to be adults.

Kate 00:02:58  Only know like six words to describe how they're feeling.

Carrie 00:03:02  Oh, I was sure you were going to do the the one by Matthew McConaughey.

Kate 00:03:09  What? The green lights are his.

Carrie 00:03:11  Know his kids book.

Kate 00:03:12  I haven't read the kids book, but oh.

Carrie 00:03:14  You've got to. And you can go watch it on YouTube of him and one of the Jimmys. I don't remember which one. One of the talk show. Jimmy's, doing it as kind of a sing song. The whole book. It's hilarious.

Kate 00:03:30  All right, so on today's to do list.

Carrie 00:03:33  I thought I'd sent that to you.

Kate 00:03:35  Yeah, so. But here's the thing. How can having this awareness help you as a director? And then I want to follow up with. How can that hurt you as a director?

Carrie 00:03:48  It hurts you by you caring too much for everybody else, and you get emotionally burned out. I mean, I think that's the shorter answer than how does it help you, I think. The being too attached to your staff and to your children and to their outcomes can be a huge problem because you burn yourself out.

Carrie 00:04:11  And every time a child withdraws from the program because their parents are moving across the country, you go on a crying jag for 20 minutes. That's a sign that you are. That's not good. EQ that is that you are overly attached.

Kate 00:04:28  You're taking I think it also is that you're taking it personal. Like so one of my favorite analogies and again, don't know who ever told it to me originally because I've been using it now for over 30 years, which is if you think about that waitress, right? And you're at a restaurant and you have French fries, and the waitress comes out and asks you if you want ketchup with that French fries. And if you're not a ketchup person and you want cane sauce, but you're not at canes.

Carrie 00:04:56  And or you want the vinegar that my husband wants.

Kate 00:04:58  Yeah. You want malted vinegar? If you say no to her ketchup, she doesn't go back to the kitchen and start crying because you didn't want her ketchup. It wasn't what you needed. And I think one of the things, because you brought up being too emotionally attached, I think that it can also hurt you on another end, which is if you don't have that.

Kate 00:05:20  So in other words, maybe you can be aware, maybe you can show the empathy, but there's no attachment, whether it's because of things from your past. Maybe it's how you perceive being in charge. You don't make connections with parents or with staff. Like you just don't get personal. Yeah. I think that you brought up a great point, which is not actually the one I was thinking, which because if you had asked me, I would have said, well, no, it's how it's going to hurt you is you don't you don't have it.

Carrie 00:05:52  Oh, because to me it was like, it can't hurt you if you I mean, it, it was if you have it, what are the downsides. So yeah, I mean the if you don't have good emotional intelligence, you have a hard time making a connection, making making people trust you like people have to trust you in order for them to want to bring their children to you, in order for them to want to come to work every day.

Carrie 00:06:22  And if you aren't showing emotional availability and connection, then you've got people who are like, not not going to that program.

Kate 00:06:34  But couldn't that be a fine line?

Carrie 00:06:36  Like, I don't think it's very fine. I think it's kind of like a highway sized line.

Kate 00:06:41  Well, I'm thinking about. So you know, when I started as a director, you know, I tried so hard to make all those connections, I almost forced to them. And. then I thought I did a bad job, as you know, a leader or a manager, if people left because I had gotten so attached and I took it personally. and then I kind of went the opposite side of the road, like I, you know, I dodged everything and I'm like, well, past Frogger. And so now, especially in that kind of scenario, because I have been accused of treating employees like my children because they're the same age as my young adult children. and so now it's like trying to figure out that whole at what level do you care and get attached.

Kate 00:07:36  And I think that's a realistic acknowledgement. I think that's part of the self-awareness. Right. So like there is a definite self-awareness of that. And even early, you know, before the overcompensate it was I was over aware that I can't use that word on this podcast.

Carrie 00:07:52  Some people, some people have said that you're cold.

Kate 00:07:56  Yes. Okay. There we go. We'll use that term. That was not the term I had in my head.

Carrie 00:08:01  But. And and I had periods of my life where I was everybody's confidant. Everybody brought me all of their problems. And I've probably overcorrected the other direction. And, you know, now, I think my kids are the only ones who really bring me their emotional problems, and they're biologically required to. so I think part of having good EQ, a good emotional quotient, a good emotional intelligence is that self-awareness that I was over indexing on being there to support other people to the point where it was draining to me and I had to go on strike. I had to be like, I will take nobody's monkeys, will take nobody's emotional issues.

Carrie 00:08:57  I will not solve anybody's emotional issues. And I had to, like, go on strike for two weeks and just, like, find myself where where were the edges of what I was, what my emotions were as opposed to other people's emotions. And so that self-awareness part is key, but so is the empathy. So we have to be thinking about what is in the best interest of the kid, what is in the best interest of that staff person, and sometimes what's in the best interests of that staff person is for them to go by because we're no longer a good fit for them. They're just here because they've been here and they know how to do the job. But it is very clear that their interests are no longer aligned with the program. And we have a friend, Erica, who has told multiple of her employees, if you don't start your business in the next 90 days, I'm going to fire you because it was in their best interest to start that business that they were wanting, that they kept pining after, they kept thinking about.

Carrie 00:10:07  And she was like, you can keep working here and start that business, or you can start that business because I've fired you. And people are like, what? You're she's making people start another business. And it's because of her emotional intelligence. And she knows that that's what they need as their next step in their life. And that's the empathy part of the emotional intelligence.

Kate 00:10:34  So I want to jump on something real quick that I know. We talk about it a lot, right? We talk about co regulation. And it is something that in the industry we're always like oh you need to teach the children how. As a director, can you model this emotional regulation to the staff, to model to the children? Like, how might that look in a program?

Carrie 00:11:01  I think part of that is telling people when you've messed up and saying, you know, I tried this new thing, y'all didn't like it and it did not work. And, I threw a tantrum about it for about 15 minutes. And, you know, so literally telling people I got upset and this is how I got myself out of that situation.

Carrie 00:11:29  I think also literally them seeing you do it like you walk into a classroom where the class is out of control. The kids are. It may be happy chaos, but it is definitely chaos. And them seeing you. Go take a deep breath in. Look at the ceiling. Take a deep breath out before coming into that classroom. Because you had a knee jerk reaction, which is, we need to get this room under control. But you took the time to regulate yourself and go. This is happy chaos. We can have happy chaos as long as that's not all day, every day. And so they need to physically see you doing it. And also, I think the troubleshooting social conflict between staff is a place where we can really model the regulation and the helping other people regulate. Because when you've got two staff that are mad, mad, mad because that person isn't pulling their weight in the classroom, or because this person always leaves this thing in disarray or whatever, those always a never conversations that your teachers have if you bring them into the office and you have them troubleshoot that social conflict with you there as a mediator, I think that's one of the best ways to really show your ability to re regulate other people.

Carrie 00:12:56  And it comes back to that empathy and it comes back to that self-knowledge. Like I think the troubleshooting social conflict between your team members is one of the most important places for Eck to show up. Because what I see that really worries me is the directors who just change, who's working in a classroom are when people are disagreeing like they do not help the people get through the conflict, they treat them like they're in the second grade, and these two kids are fighting all the time. So we just are going to reassign one of them to Miss Thompson's classroom.

Kate 00:13:35  This is where you hear people make those snide comments like, be a grown up or just, you know, get over it or something like that. So I'm thinking.

Carrie 00:13:43  Which is not good emotional intelligence.

Kate 00:13:45  No. But I am thinking, as I'm listening to us talk of if you're listening to this episode, I want you to pause it. Go get a piece of paper. Come back with your notebook. Because every director I know is always trying to figure out what to cover in a staff meeting.

Kate 00:13:59  You're always trying to come up with that next staff training. And to me, this last ten minutes, take notes on even share the last ten minutes. Pause it and have your staff discuss it and share. What does it mean to them and what maybe are their examples? And do they have a scenario that maybe you guys could walk through as a school because you have that one kid, or maybe it's one family. So maybe there's a kid in multiple classes.

Carrie 00:14:32  Now, a family and multiple.

Kate 00:14:34  A family and multiple classes. So each class has a child from that family that they're just that family. Right. And you've tried every polite way to help them find another program. So now you're forced to have to, quote unquote, deal with it. And so is there a way to use this experience in a set of staff meetings or a staff meeting where everybody gets to practice? And not only do they get to practice, they know exactly what child, what's the next situation, whether it's the throw in the Tonka toys, whether it's knocking and kicking down somebody's block tower, whatever it might be, and really use that as a great way to go.

Kate 00:15:20  Ha ha, I've got this. I can do this now because I've heard it a little bit of a discussion. I've talked about and shared a scenario, and then I got to practice. And this is such a great way to to do staff training.

Carrie 00:15:35  I mean, I think that's absolutely true. And I think it's one of the things that we try to do in our in our training membership is not every month, but several times throughout the year. Give an outline of this is how you would use this in a staff meeting. So we have the we're teaching you content. so in the 2025 group there was the how to get children ready for toilet learning. Right. That was one of the modules was all about toilet learning. And so the part for the director was, what are the systems that you need to set up? What are the things that you need to see that a child is ready? And then it had parent letters and then it had this as an outline of how we do a staff training on how do we do toilet learning, so that it's not just the teacher who's been here for a year and a half having to get everybody else on board.

Carrie 00:16:41  It is the floater. It is anybody who is likely to substitute in that classroom. And the core teachers in that classroom going through a training on this is our system for how we're going to help kids through toilet learning.

Kate 00:16:57  Okay. So I just want to, to to to do a, an abbreviated explanation. So Kerry talked about our training membership. So if you are in Texas, Texas has a membership where you get your annual training. You can renew your director credential. We have this available in other states. So when you visit the website go to the About Us page. You can find the other states if you're not really sure and you're kind of curious, whether or not we have it in your state or if you can participate, we will take anybody from anywhere. just email us at Kate and Kerry at Child Care conversations.com. Okay. So I just wanted to do that because Carrie kind of skipped over that. And I'm like, but it's not on child care conversations. And not everybody understands.

Kate 00:17:44  We talk about the fact that we have a lot of businesses and we do a lot of stuff, and our businesses are all related. So if you don't know, I'm going to do a short other plug.

Carrie 00:17:54  Okay.

Kate 00:17:54  Carrie and I do write books. So most of you know that we've written, eight books in the childcare field, nine books together in total. 25. And we help other directors, early childhood professionals write books. Some are in the industry, some are not in the industry. Some are just their passion or their story. And we love being able to do that. and then we have the podcast and.

Carrie 00:18:22  Then we have the training where we do training across the country at conferences. We love to do a keynote, at companies or at child care conferences. We also do, you know, regular workshops. But the the training membership is just something we do with the different states Texas director, New Mexico director, etc.. So but I guess I, I kind of squirreled. I did not mean to you.

Kate 00:18:52  That's okay. I love it. It still was really helpful. And I do think that and I'm just going to kind of kind of wrap us up down this rabbit hole that we've taken, which is how to do some staff training on that are relevant to issues that you've got going on.

Carrie 00:19:08  Right. And, and that the reason I was talking about toilet learning is because that is such an emotionally fraught conversation. There are parents who feel like you are saying they're a bad parent when you say, I'm sorry, your child's not ready for for being part of the potty patrol.

Kate 00:19:23  But not only that, the kids, when they have emotional issues, that is one of the things that they no longer control.

Carrie 00:19:30  Yeah, when you've got kids who are stressed out because there's been a change in their household, then you end up with toilet learning, backsliding and things like that. So that's why I was talking about that, and we didn't get all the way into where I was going, but that's okay. I just picked it as a topic where EQ is hugely important, but we don't necessarily talk about it.

Carrie 00:19:52  We just talk about the procedures of this is the song we're going to sing when we're taking the kids on potty patrol.

Kate 00:19:58  You know what? You brought up a good point. And again, I want to tie that back to that, that that staff component, which is those conversations with parents and how sometimes the parents think you're telling them that you did something wrong. And again, that comes back to the the EQ, the AI, whatever, you know, the emotional piece. And I think as a director, one of your jobs is to make sure that your parents are your parents, your teachers are ready to have those parent conversations that are the difficult conversations. So here is an idea for a second staff training or staff meeting, which is having the difficult conversations with parents. And you could almost make this part of every staff training and every staff meeting related to whatever the subject is. So if you were doing a, a staff meeting or a staff training specifically on toilet learning, taking a section on having those difficult conversations because communication is key, you're only going to be successful in this job if you've learned to communicate all of the awkward, difficult conversations with staff, with parents, and with children.

Carrie 00:21:12  Yep. I was like, is she going to say kids? Because she better say kids.

Kate 00:21:15  Yeah, mine definitely going to say, okay.

Carrie 00:21:16  We have gone over what we normally do. I just want to say, I really hope that you think about emotional intelligence as a director as you're moving forward. So if you've learned something from this show. Please share it with someone else who needs to know, whether that's in a staff meeting or somewhere else. And please go in and leave us a comment about what you thought about this episode. We read every single one of those and we will talk to you next week.

Marie 00:21:49  Thanks for tuning in. We love bringing you real talk and fresh insight from the world of early childhood education. Be sure to follow us on social media to stay connected and catch all of the latest episodes. And if you're planning a conference, training, or special event. Kate and Kerry would love to speak to your audience. You can learn more about their keynote sessions and workshops at Kate and Carrie.

Marie 00:22:15  If you learned something today. Share the show and leave us a review below. We'll see you next time on Child Care Conversations.