Live Your Best Life Today

This episode explores the importance of coming to grips with death.  The author, Kate Manser visits with Melvin and Johnny and helps them uncover ways to live your best life now.  After experiencing the untimely death of some of her close friends, Kate personally decided to take control of her life, and learn how to best deal with life's most inevitable reality--death.  Listen to this podcast as Kate shares what she has learned, and how we as a community can come to grips, about a subject that is rarely addressed in our cross cultural communities.  Also, learn the methodologies she employs to help us live our greatest moments in the present moment.  Sit with us as we learn how to grapple with the fact: You Might Die Tomorrow!! 

Transcript

spk_0:   0:16
the views and opinions expressed on the Social Shade Tree do not reflect or endorse its participants or affiliates of use. Some issues may be sensitive in nature. Listener discretion is advised. Views and opinions of Johnny Neal, II, and Melvin Carter, III, the hosts are theirs. By listening, you agree to hold the hosts harmless. The Social Shade Tree is created for informational and educational purposes only. Listeners are encouraged to seek their choice of legal, medical, financial, tax and or other professional advice as it relates to their situation. Happy listening.

spk_1:   0:52
The interview. Greetings Social Shade Tree Family. Today we have Kate Manser on the phone with us, and she has a wonderful story that we want to share. She has the definition about life, and in reading her book, you might die tomorrow. You kind of get a new experience on, uh, what it means to truly live. So I have Melvin on the line with me, and we've got Kate, and I kind of want to get started by letting you introduce yourself. Okay. Can you?

spk_2:   1:28
Yeah. Great. Thank you for having me. And congratulations on your new show. I am Kate Manser and I wrote the book, you might die tomorrow. So live today Face your fear of death to live your most meaningful life. And, you know, I was just like everybody else. I never really thought about death or how long I was going to live. I just assumed that I would have all 87 years of life expectancy ahead of me until, um, about five years ago, I had three of my friends died in unrelated, unexpected tragedies, and they were all around my same age. I'm sure you can imagine that. That led to me. Just really. The security of my life was taken away because I saw people around me around my same age dying, and suddenly I became totally preoccupied and overwhelmed with anxiety that I, too, could die at any moment.

spk_1:   2:19
Why? One of the things I noticed when you started introducing the book and we want to do some giveaways. I'm just gonna tell you about that little little bit later. Um, but we're gonna purchase five of your books and give them to our listeners the 1st 5 that, uh, respond to our email. So that's a little treat for the listener from stay with it. And so the question that I wanted to unpack a little bit is you said earlier in your book you employed the analogy of regarding scarcity kind of an economics argument, and you were saying that life is scarce. So you dealt with it in three ways. That people can either address it by apathy or anxiety, or they can have productive action. Uh, would you like to cut? Ah, uh, deconstruct that for us a little bit? Yeah,

spk_2:   3:18
Absolutely. More than anything. It's just a perspective, right? So if we assume that we have all, like I said 87 or 78 years or however long, depending on which country live in of life expectancy, we therefore have a, um ah, high quantity of this particular resource, which is time or lifetime. And when we have a high quantity of something, typically, then the value goes down, right? So if we have a lot of oranges on the market, suddenly there's a glut in the orange market, the price goes down. However, if oranges are scarce, right? If there's a terrible hurricane and all the Florida oranges get, ah you know, wiped out. Suddenly there's a scarce quantity of oranges in the country in the price of the oranges Go up. So I just apply this perspective or this theory to the our lifetime If we assume that we've got all the time in the world to getting around to doing the things that we want to D'oh, we're procrastinators by nature, right? We're gonna wait until the very last minute to finally getting around to doing things. Whereas if we assume that our lifetime is scarce, that we don't know when our life can end the value thereby goes up and we suddenly see that each moment has a much higher value because we could die tomorrow, we could die next week. Or we could get to all 87 years of life expectancy. And so I like to look at because I am a procrastinator by nature. I could dress it with the best of them. I like to like I like to look at life as a very limited time offer so that the value of each moment skyrockets.

spk_1:   4:58
Awesome. So one of the things that you're looking at is not just quantity of life, the quality of life.

spk_2:   5:06
Yes. Oh, my goodness, Absolutely right. Like you know, especially right now, you know, we're dealing with the pandemic. This is a great example where we are looking at quantity and quality of life. Right, So many of us are in this period of being in lock down. And we're looking at our life as if it's on pause, as if we're just kind of like, you know, sitting in the waiting room, waiting for the green light to turn on so that we can recommence our life. Well, our life is happening now, and we have a quantity of life that's happening. But we also have the ability to make this time in our life when we're on lock down, also part of the quality of our life. And again by putting that limited time offer on our life and realizing that we don't know what's gonna happen when the lock down is lifted, we don't know what the state of the world will be in. And so it again just raises the value of the present moment and reminds us that our life is happening now and there's no reason to wait to enjoy it in the future when we have it in the palm of our hand. At this moment,

spk_1:   6:08
it's funny that you use the term locked down because, you know, uh, under the social shade tree. Sometimes our listeners have baby literally experienced, locked down. And so this is one of the opportunities that people have to really evaluate what is what is the meaning of life. So I wanted to kind of get into it a little bit, Maura, and ask you this How did you come to create the movement? We heard a little bit about how you had experienced unexpected there. And I think everybody has. I've had some family members that were really close to me past. We didn't expect to pass or like Oh my God, that guy had all the potential in the world. And, you know, he died due to a tragic sickness on dso kind of impact their force. How did you come to create this movement?

spk_2:   7:03
Yeah, well, you know, it's like really kind of a pendulum swing. So I went from, you know, never thinking about death, you know, thinking just being a young, invincible person, Then around the age of 30 having those experiences of loss in the pendulum swung in the other direction and suddenly I became totally overwhelmed with the fear of death. And every time I got in the car, I was afraid it was going to be my last time. Every time the phone rang, I was sure I was going to get the call that something bad had happened to someone I loved. And for a four Ah, whole year I was just really preoccupied and terrified of the mystery of my mortality and when it might come and that it could be around lurking around every corner. Well, you know unexpectedly, another one of my friends passed away. He's name was Dan Fredinburg. He was climbing Mount Everest, and when he died up there, it was when the Nepal Earthquake struck back in 2015. You know, I had gone through this year of being totally preoccupied with my immortality. But when he died, I was forced to look at how ridiculous I was being afraid to drive my car, afraid to pick up the phone, afraid to like take any risks and enjoy the beauty of life. When he was up there climbing Mount Everest and risked his life to live his absolute truth. And when I saw that, I realized that I have no control over when, where or how I die. But what I have control over is how I live. Until that mystery moment comes. And with this precious resource of my time and energy, I want to have a great time. I won't have a great life both in quantity and quality and, um, in all of that fear energy, then transformed into zeal for life. I don't want any more energy being afraid. I wanted to use all of my energy with again that productive action and enjoying my life and having fun while I'm still kicking.

spk_1:   9:00
That's pretty cool. You know, there was a famous poem it was about. It was actually the study of death called Fana Tops is. And so as you figure out how you want to live, you become more prepared for the inevitable death. So that's so cool that you were able to confront them head on. So, Kate, what does it mean to live like you might die tomorrow?

spk_2:   9:33
Oh, great question. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, I'm still figuring that out. I think what I have learned more than anything is that, you know, everyone wants to live a meaningful life, but and I think a lot of times we put ourselves through the wringer trying to find our one great life purpose. And so what I've realized is that we all have this great like ability, each one of us to create meaning and to make the world a better place. And we don't all necessarily need Thio do what Mother Teresa did in order to do that. What we can do is that by enjoying our life and spreading positivity and trying to be a good person and really just like living our most vibrant expression of life without us even realizing it, we have a huge impact on those around us. You've heard of the butterfly effect, the ripple effect, you know, just by like following our bliss, we have this profound impact, positive impact on the world. And so to me, living like you might die Tomorrow is a lot of things. It's it's enjoying your life. It's having fun every day. It's trying to be a good person trying to cultivate meaning, and I think living urgently is a big part of that going back again to that, you know, limited time offer by not putting things off. And by living for today, we're are again creating that positive ripple effect

spk_1:   10:59
that is so cool. So the limited time offer you have Ah, a point in your book where you talk about life. It's kind of as he is, no express warranties guaranteed. I really like that. I saw teach. I thought that she'd be laid into a T shirt. Oh,

spk_2:   11:16
my goodness. You have the ultimate disclaimer, right? Like, you know, we, uh all the assumptions of our life are blown away when you look at the reality, which is that it was funny, actually, I think in the first or second chapter of my book, I even mentioned that, you know, at any moment, up endemic could come. And here we are, just a few months later, and, um, we're independent, you know, we have no idea what can happen. And so to live as if we're gonna have forever is just It's foolish, right? And I hope that, you know, the reality is that we probably won't die tomorrow. That's the good news. But to live as if we might die tomorrow, puts everything in a lightning round and makes us really. You know, there's this Buddhist practice where it says that whenever you hug someone that you love, you should. You should really hugged that person and feel as if it was going to be the last time that you'll get to hug that person. It just ups the ante of every experience of your life. And that's what I hope. Living like you might die tomorrow does for people's it just makes life brighter and more vibrant and more real and more touching and more alive.

spk_1:   12:20
And actually, you know, it actually brings the intangible to the tangible, because now you get to really, you know, not only say, I love that person, but that person truly is able to feel the value of that love that you have That is so awesome. So I got a couple more questions, probably about four more. So when we're talking about how we grapple with this, uh, how do you face your fear of death? What have you learned?

spk_2:   12:51
Well, I learned that Number one. I don't believe that for the vast majority of us, it's ever possible to completely overcome our fear of death. Death is inherently scary, and part of overcoming your fear of death is recognizing that there's always mystery. And there's always going to be fear and and it's always going to be scary. And so I think that's that's first and foremost. The most important thing is is accepting that, um, that it will always be a little bit scary, and then the other part of it is it doesn't happen overnight. It, um it is something that requires, like a daily contemplation. And there's so many opportunities in our life to recognize death. We live in quite a death phobic society where it's typically just swept under the rug and, um, you know, put aside at all costs. But if we can open our eyes to the idea that death is a part of life, it's a natural part of being human, and we have beginnings, middles and endings around us all the time. We can start to see the beauty of the circle of life and begin to open our minds to the reality of our mortality.

spk_1:   14:02
That's could think that that was a rhyme. I don't know if that was intentional. one of the things you talked about, and I'm kind of kind of go off the track a little bit to come back on the track. You in your book, you talk about honoring death, and you kind of break that. This is one of the things that I think our listeners should do As they read your book. You talk about how different generations in the path past, particularly like in the late 19th century. Up until present time, it kind of honored people more. You know, They used to have funerals at the people's house that family members house. They would sit with those individuals who who had asked all on. And so it's really kind of who How you adrift for us to get comfortable again with death and, as a matter of fact, one of the things that was enlightening to me. And I know actually there somebody didn't have such longwinded statements, didn't really find one of the things that was interesting to me is that you actually used the term. They died instead of oh, they transitioned or they peacefully passed away. No, they died. Yeah, eso you know, So that's that's really eye popping and eye opening and how you address that. So in line with that, what is research? Tell us about how humans react to our mortality.

spk_2:   15:32
Well, you know, if you think about it like I talked about a little bit in the book like a fear of heights, right? What? Or a fear of snakes or whatever, if you're afraid of heights or if you're afraid of snakes or you have some type of fear, one of the ways that's widely accepted to de condition that fear is exposure therapy. And so again, if you're trying to, you know, invite the awareness of mortality into your life, one of the ways you can do that with is that gentle exposure therapy. And so using the word died, there's nothing wrong with saying, Oh, you know, he or she passed away. Um, but but trying to incorporate that word died in tow it back into our vocabulary, I think is important because it's a natural word. It's a natural part of life, and I will say that again. We live in this death phobic society, and we can look to see how we've evolved. Ah, because one thing that happens when someone dies unexpectedly is we are first hit God just gutted with shock, right? And we're never, you know, if someone that we love died, especially if they die young were never not going to be shocked and hurt. And again, grief is a natural part of being human. But because we live in this death coke phobic society, it's like we never expect anyone to die ever. And so in addition to the morning that we have to do were also just, like smashed with this with the shock. And so if we can begin to again open ourselves up to the reality of the fact that people do die, we could maybe potentially sidelined some of that shock so that we can really ease into the morning parcels and to answer your question one of the way. One of the things that psychology shows us is that in order to mitigate our fear of death, a sustained contemplation and awareness of our mortality in gentle ways ah is a great way to recondition our fear response to mortality again through that exposure therapy.

spk_1:   17:35
Okay, so So it's like a suit, then sustained type of response. Just not not beating ourselves up too much with, like, Hey, you have a thing in the book that you talk about like, you kind of pull it out of your left pocket and say, Hey, death, you still there? That kind of thing.

spk_2:   17:51
Yeah. Yeah, that was Charles Bukowski. Actually, that said that. He said, You know, I think the quote is something like Most people are shocked when it comes to death. And Charles Bukowski says, Hey, I keep death in my left pocket and every now and then I take it down said, Hey, baby, how you doing? What are Whenever you're coming for me, I'll be ready.

spk_1:   18:11
That's and that's a excellent way to approach it. Deal with it, Campbell. It, um So Kate. Quick question. Couple more. How do you find meaning in life? You know, you have the big things versus the everyday, meaningful things. How do you unpack that?

spk_2:   18:34
Yeah, again. I think that it's very tricky, too. Put the pressure on ourselves to find Argh! One great meaningful purpose in life. And it is absolutely a valid and valiant pursuit. Certainly, but I don't I really want to caution people against, you know, seeking that big, meaningful life purpose at the expense of the small, meaningful joy is that we can cultivate in our everyday life. And so sure you can do big things like quit a job, have a kid, go on a big trip, start a business, help someone like these are all big, meaningful things. But we can also create everyday meaning A, you know, really enjoying the taste of our coffee in the morning, giving someone a call and letting know them know that we love them. Admiring the tree outside of your window and just quietly finding a way to appreciate the everyday experience of being alive.

spk_1:   19:32
I think it was fascinating how you looked at it at your life experience. And you took the big trip after you worked for I guess, the large corporate giant Google. And then you took your world tour for lack of a better term. And then after the world tour, you were kind of like, Okay, now Okay, I'm back.

spk_2:   19:54
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I went I did this big thing, you know? I quit my job at Google. I went on around the world trip. I mean, like, that's huge, right? like that's a major bucket list item that I did and it was amazing and wonderful, But, you know, that exhilaration fades. And again, what I learned when I got back is that the rial pursuit of life is enjoying that everyday experience of being alive. Because, you know, if we're just constantly chasing that next adrenaline high and and just, you know, totally consumed with checking off these big bucket list items which are amazing and wonderful and exhilarating, you know what happens then when we do get diagnosed with cancer or we do hurt our back or become mobility limited limited. Um, how do we then find joy in the simple experience of being alive? And so I think training ourselves to find meaning in big and small pursuits is, um, really what makes up a life that we could be satisfied with when it comes time to look back.

spk_1:   21:01
Okay, So as we're walking through life where constantly kind of calibrating our lives the, you know, in our in our daily, uh, goings to and froze. So you have something that you call the deathbed. Good chick. Could you kind of reverse engineer that process and tell us kind of how that works. And then we'll talk about the work that you're doing with different groups and how people can reach out to you. So tell us about the deathbed Gut check.

spk_2:   21:32
Yeah. So the deathbed gut check is the best way that I have found my find. I have found to snap myself out of decision paralysis, Right, Because we all have those decisions that were faced with from time to time, where we just kind of go in circles, We don't know what to do. And, um, we're not sure what is the right way to to go. And so the deathbed gut check is just like a one minute exercise that you can d'oh to figure out what is the best path for you to take. So if you consider right now, think of a decision that maybe you've been rolling around in your mind and haven't been able to come up with the right way to go. Now, what you can do for the deathbed gut check is you close your eyes and you imagine yourself on your deathbed and from the perspective of your deathbed, you are looking back on your life and looking back at the decision that you're faced with now and you imagine looking back from the perspective of your deathbed having chosen option A and you observe how you feel in your gut, right, that deep intuition when nothing matters, you don't care about what people think. When you're on your deathbed, you don't You're not worried about keeping up with the Joneses. Um, you just have this clear perspective and so observe how you feel in your gut. And if you feel that lightness of being with option A, then you you know, you pretty well chosen the right one. If you feel that heaviness. Um, having chosen the wrong path, um, then you know, you're probably mired down in, you know, worrying what other people think or trying to live for other people's expectations. And so the deathbed gut check is just looking back at the decisions off your life from the clear perspective of being on your deathbed and then just choosing how you feel in your gut.

spk_1:   23:20
Okay, so So you should be able to be at peace with those decisions. That's pretty cool. I mean it. And the thing about it is, I think that takes work. So we want to share with our audience how they can, how they can get that. But a couple more things. So with your deathbed gut check that's in line with you have two other tools I want to say, um Kate's  Walking Meditations. And also Kates Death Bed Meditation.

spk_2:   23:51
Yes, yes. So I am just I you know, since I've really tapped into this like desire and drive to live for today, I've tried to come up with some practices to help myself and others do that. And one of those is a walking meditation, which is something that I discovered when I went to take not Hans Monastery in France. And, um, walking meditation is just a slow, meditative walk where you really tap into the feeling of being alive and the simple beauty of nature and your surroundings. And, um, it's something that I offer here in Austin, and I'm gonna be offering it online since we're here in quarantine and then and I encourage anyone to go it research take not Hans teachings, because he has this really simple and beautiful way of ah hoping people to see the joy and simple meaning in life, and then the deathbed Meditation is a practice similar to the deathbed gut check. But it's more of a 20 minute visualization exercise where you imagine yourself on your deathbed looking over your life and who you love, what things you might have left unsaid. You know what you wanted to accomplish? And then you get that really valuable, clear perspective. And the good news is that you're not on your deathbed and you still have time to, um, do the things that you want to do um, you know, while again your ticker still ticking.

spk_1:   25:28
That's awesome. So you deliberately, ah, prepare. And the preparation makes you more at peace with not just death but actually living. That is cool, Kate.

spk_2:   25:42
Yeah, yeah. So I mean, it's just in life. We can get so mired down in the dentist appointments, the emptying of the dishwasher, like all of these things that just work. You know, traffic bills, like all of those, are part of life, but they're not all of life. And so these deathbed practices. Um, they allow us to look at life with a clear set of eyes because in death, the cream rises to the top, and we're suddenly able to forget about the dishwasher needing to be emptied and forget about the rat race of work and and getting the next promotion. And we were able to see what's really important to us. And it really is very little. You know, if you talk to people who are on their deathbed or who have a terminal illness, they can tell you very clearly that what matters is people, relationships, love, meaning and appreciating the simple joy of being alive.

spk_1:   26:37
Okay, so I've got one more thing. So we want to give away. We want to get five books and just invest in your call in your purpose. So if people will respond to us that info at social shade tree dot com, we can help the the greater social shade tree community get this. So when they respond to us, I guess Can we get the book to you when you autograph it and send it out to Well, just, you know, take care of that for you go from there.

spk_2:   27:10
Oh, my goodness. It would be my pleasure. Yes, absolutely. Um yeah. This is a book that offers just really true perspective, and I hope that it motivates you to appreciate being alive, to live for today. And I would love to get a copy out to you.

spk_1:   27:27
So? So my final question is, um well, two questions. How can one apply these teachings, Kate? To managing difficult emotions in a mist in the mist of, uh, Melvin, that I call Corona virus the Rona. So how can people happen? People deal with Verona on How can they apply these teachings to those types? Endemic events?

spk_2:   27:54
Oh, goodness. Well, part of you know, accepting the reality of our mortality is accepting that it is outside of our control and choosing instead to focus on what is within our control. So, back when I had this realization that I might die tomorrow, it was accepting that again where when and how I die is outside of my control. But what is within my control is appreciating the time I have I'm still alive and that can absolutely be applied to Verona in that we don't have any control over how long this pandemic lasts over who gets it, um or or how it affects the extraneous aspects of our lives. What we do have control over is how we bring our energy to each day that we are dealing with the pandemic And that includes, you know, embracing tough emotions and appreciating simple pleasures And realizing that, um, you know, if we were going to die from Llorona using that as a perspective to say, how would I want to live today? And what would I do? You know, the good news is that most of us probably will not get the Corona virus. Um, but it is a beautiful exercise in helping us see what's important in life and instead of going outward, you know, we're on this lock down with the Rhona and were forced to go inward. And I encourage us to, despite the pandemic, find ways to enjoy your life.

spk_1:   29:26
Beautiful. So I want to thank you for taking time with us. And before you go, can you tell the social shade tree community how they can reach you? How they can book you and how they can get in touch with you? That would be perfect.

spk_2:   29:42
Yeah. So social shade tree family you can find me at you might die tomorrow dot com on Facebook and instagram also at you might die tomorrow, and I would love to get a copy of my book in your hands so that it can motivate you to tap into your inner purpose and live for today. And that's available at all your favorite book buying locations, including bookshop dot com, Amazon, Barnes and Noble. And, um, I want to thank both of you, Johnny and Melvin for bringing me on today.

spk_1:   30:13
Thank you so much. You have been a part of the social shade tree community. This has been Kate Manser with her wonderful book. You might die tomorrow and we'll see you under the social shade tree Family and his Melvin always say is the struggle is real, so let's get real with the struggle.