Practical Tools To Stay Calm During Stressful Family Gatherings

Holiday cheer gets all the headlines, but the real story often includes tension, old patterns, and big expectations. We get honest about the pressure to make everything magical and offer a simple, usable plan to stay grounded when emotions spike. Our five-step PEACE framework—Pause, Examine, Adjust, Choose, Exit or Engage—turns reactive moments into chances for clarity and connection.

We start with the body: how a brief pause settles the nervous system and opens space for choice. Then we name what’s real. Beyond happy, sad, and mad, the holidays can stir guilt, resentment, grief, envy, and fatigue. By labeling emotions accurately, we stop fighting ghosts and address the true issue. From there, we examine the stories we carry about tradition, timing, and roles. If your family’s script was written decades ago, it might be time for an edit that honors meaning without clinging to methods that no longer fit.

Next, we practice choosing centered responses that align words, tone, and body language. That might look like a gentle boundary, a topic shift, a curious question, or purposeful silence. Finally, we decide when to exit to protect calm or engage to build trust—both valid when chosen with intention. Along the way, we share prompts to identify triggers, plan responses, and give yourself grace when you slip. You can’t control every dynamic, but you can control how you show up, and that choice often shifts the entire room.

If you’re ready to trade perfection for presence and turn conflict into clarity, this conversation is your guide. Listen, pick one tool to try at your next gathering, and notice what changes. If it helps, share the episode with someone who needs a little more peace this season, and subscribe or leave a review so we can bring more calm, practical tools to your feed.

#HolidayStress #FamilyDynamics #HolidayGatherings #EmotionalIntelligence #EmotionalAgility #EmotionalRegulation #NervousSystemRegulation #RespondNotReact #PauseAndChoose #StayGrounded #InnerCalm #ChoosePeace #BoundariesWithCompassion #HealthyRelationships #PresenceOverPerfection #ConnectionOverConflict #StressManagementTools #CalmUnderPressure #SelfAwareness #ConsciousChoices #LeadYourself #GraceUnderPressure #ClarityAndConnection #PEACEFramework

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Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome And Holiday Reality Check
• 0:24 Goals: Calm, Centered, And Grounded
• 2:40 The PEACE Framework Overview
• 3:02 P: Pause Before You React
• 4:08 E: Examine Your Emotions
• 5:33 A: Adjust The Story You’re Telling
• 9:12 C: Choose A Centered Response
• 12:03 E: Exit Or Engage Mindfully
• 14:14 Reflection Questions For PEACE
• 18:18 Triggers, Reactions, And Giving Yourself Grace

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Hello, and welcome to the Intention Leaders Podcast. I am your host, Cindy Wentland, and we're talking holidays, the most joyful, fun time of year until it isn't. So we're going to focus this podcast episode on learning practical tools to stay calm, centered, and emotionally grounded during stressful holiday moments. So want to walk away with some simple ideas with the peace framework that you can use in real time with your family. I've got your back on this. So increase your self-awareness by understanding a little bit about your personal triggers and emotional patterns in order to consider why you may be emotionally activated over the holidays and how to respond intentionally rather than reacting impulsively. Strengthen your relationships by thinking about conflict and tension with compassion, clarity, and healthier communications. When we shift to that kind of mindfulness, we can create more peaceful interactions. And I'm going to tell you how. Until we're not. So over this holiday season, it doesn't matter what holiday or what you celebrate. Let's talk about how to find a little bit of peace. Because I don't know about you, but I know a lot of people who don't find comfort and joy in the holidays. They find anxiety and overwhelm and stress. And you may go home to your family and get very triggered by things that are happening. And you're like, this is supposed to be the most magical time of the year. And it's not. So what do you do about that? How do we show up as our best selves when we're fraught with conflicting emotions about the holidays or about our family or about our traditions? So this year, let's discover a little peace. And what I mean by that is I want to share a calm, grounding approach for staying steady in the face of holiday chaos. Family chaos, expectation chaos, whatever it is for you. How do you stay grounded? And how do we find some peace? Peace is going to be our acronym. And I'm going to share five steps to finding some peace in the holidays and also provide some reflection questions for you. So as you go through these next few weeks, you can be intentionally prepared to find that peace in your heart and in your spirit and with your loved ones. All right, let's get to peace. Peace number one, pause. Pause before you react to something. Victor Frankel, if you're familiar with him, he was a Holocaust survivor and he wrote the book, I think it's called The Meaning of Life. And he had a very important quote about responding. And he said, between the stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. And in our response lies our growth and freedom. He can say that as a Holocaust survivor, we are probably not surviving something so traumatic or tragic, or I hope you're not in your holiday season. But we have the opportunity to choose how we react and to pause before we do react. That is the response, right? Can you slow it down? Can you take a breath? Can you take a sip of water? Can you have a brief little bit of silence to calm down your brain? It gives your nervous system a chance to settle down. Because what happens when we're triggered, when something is stressing us out, when we're feeling anxiety, our biology, right? Our nervous system is freaking out. And we can't always make great choices to respond in a certain way when our biology is getting in the way of that. That's when we react to things in a way that we may not show up as our best self. So peace, peace starts with pausing. Second is E. The E is examining what is happening inside of you. What are you feeling in that moment? And what's so ironic about emotional intelligence and feeling our emotions is a lot of us can't describe them. A lot of us can't name it. For any of you that are familiar with Brene Brown, and she wrote the book, I'm pointing to it because it's back there, uh, Atlas of the Heart, where she defines 80-some emotions. And she said in her research, most of us can only identify three: happy, sad, or mad. But there's a myriad of other emotions. Can you label what you are experiencing? And are you triggered by something? Are you just feeling tired? Or are you taking something personally? What is it that's causing your distress? So we have to pause in order to give us time to examine what is the situation. Number three, and this one is very difficult to do, is adjusting your story. So this time's a year, we hear all kinds of Christmas stories, don't we? And oh, up on the rooftop and all the all the stories that surround the various holiday festivities that we have. But holiday conflict sometimes comes from assumptions and narratives. What do we tell ourselves about the holiday? I have so many of them, right? In our family, I think there's always this conflict in our story about traditions versus change and being creative about how we want to celebrate. For decades, our family had a Christmas Eve open house. So we celebrate Christmas. And you may celebrate other holidays, but that's what we celebrated. And we had an open house on Christmas Eve. We did that for 37 years, most of my childhood and most of our adulthood. We celebrated in that way. And those traditions ran deep to us. When my father said we're not doing that anymore, we all freaked out. But that's our story, right? That's our thing. And then when we had to adjust it, I remember sitting down as a family and we're like, what are we going to do now that we don't have open house? And there was all kinds of conflict and all kinds of like, oh, what are we going to do? What does Christmas mean to our family? Because up until that point, that was a significant tradition. And now we're changing that. And I think we're still adjusting to that in a way. What is our story? And when you think about how we tell ourselves stories about tradition or about our family and how we play a part in it, can we adjust those stories? Can we have um, can our family change? And can we adjust the narrative, even not just with our family, but with individuals within our family? How are we interpreting the situation? And is our story still true or helpful or relevant? So pausing first, examining what's happening within us, thinking about the story we're telling ourselves, that's adjusted story. And then the C is choose a response that is more centered. And that ironically is also hard to do because responding intentionally rather than emotionally is a choice. And it also is about being mindful enough to be in the present situation without toggling between the future and the past. And some of the research is that we're not mindful, we're not even fully present half of the time. So if we're not even mindful half of the time, how do we choose something that is more centered? So that's an important part, though, is how do we bring ourselves back to ourselves? How do we really feel in the moment what would be a great response for us? And maybe it's setting a boundary for ourselves to remain centered and calm. Maybe it's shifting a topic, maybe it's actually staying quiet and not engaging in something that is triggering to us or feels full of conflict. We don't have to engage in every performance, right, that is occurring in our life. A lot of times we think we do. But I think that's challenge. So being centered does not mean we're being passive, it means we're being skillful, it means we're making a choice deliberately. And you may choose to walk away from a situation, you may choose to engage, but choose it from a place of centering. So we pause, we examine our feelings, we adjust our story, we choose something centered. And the E is exit or engage, mindfully. That's our last choice, right? When we're in family drama, when we're in some kind of conflict, when we're under stress, we do not have to remain hostage to that, right? And sometimes we feel like, how do I escape from this? And what's ironic in our family, we were we were exiters through an accident, like, oh, there's something bad here. We're we're stepping away. Um, that was just the strategy in my family. And I'm not saying that in a bad way. That was just um the way people did it in our in our house. Like, okay, just go away until you figure it out and then come back. But we didn't always tackle the issue when we stepped away, right? So decide on purpose what you want to do. Do you want to step away from the situation to honor your own boundaries and to remain calm? Or do you want to engage in a mindful way? Both are very healthy when you choose them consciously. I still have to make myself engage mindfully, force myself to do that and manage my stress in a way that I can engage in a way that's not snarky or passive aggressive, which is where I go when I'm stressed. And maybe you do something else, but it's important to know what that something else is. So I want to give you some questions. When you think about this peace framework for you, um, I'm gonna give you some questions to think about around this peace framework so you can be proactive about going into the holidays feeling more centered and calm. And then I'm just gonna give you some reflection questions when you think about holiday emotions, whatever that holiday is you celebrate, or maybe you don't celebrate at all, and other people are, and that is causing you stress. So here are some of my key piece questions. P what can I do to create some space for myself so I don't react emotionally? And if you don't have space, it is very difficult to choose that pause, right? How do you create space for yourself? The second one around examining what's happening is thinking about what emotions tend to arise out of the holiday. What do they signal to you? I know what mine are. My are mine are guilt and resentment. And those two guilt and resentment come from my own perfectionist tendencies. I I seem to think that holidays are supposed to be that magical time where everybody comes together and we're having lots of fun and everyone gets along. And oh, people are expressing their emotions, right? In a healthy, helpful way. And people are happy or they're not, they're working through it. You know what? That doesn't happen. But I know that's what is causing my guilt or resentment is I feel guilty if I'm not perfect or not putting on the perfect holiday, and I'm resentful when other people aren't fully engaging. Those are on me, right? But I have to examine those things and say, where is that coming from? And also in the A, the adjusting, how might I take things too personally that have nothing to do with me? Right? If it's not a hundred percent what I think it should be, how how do I not take that personally? That's just life. That's other people expressing themselves in their own way. Um, and if other people aren't good at expressing their emotions or their needs, I need to step back from that and adjust my story about what I think is appropriate or helpful in the holidays, right? The choosing is also hard because the choosing, the see in piece is about choosing what do I want, what am I going to do when my tensions rise? And words, tone, and body language all make a big difference. And I talk about this in a lot of classes that have to do with communication. That most people think, well, words are important, right? Or tone is important, but body language has a lot to do with how we express ourselves. 55% of our message comes from our body language, 38% from our tone, and uh eight or seven, we've got to go do quick math, seven or eight from uh from our words. So words and this this is means when there's a mixed message. So if I say I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm having a great holiday, but my tone and my body language is I don't think so. We have to choose to align our tone, our words, our body language when we're tense. Can you calm yourself down and center yourself when you're doing that? And in the E, exit or engage, how will I know when it's easier, easier to step away? Or can I stay in the conversation and engage more mindfully? My goal tends to be I know how to escape and exit. That's what I've done the majority of my life. But can I engage in a way that's more compassionate and curious, not just for me, but for the other person as well. Can I stay in the conversation and can I get through that in a way that feels better? Um, and I don't mean better, better in terms of trust, trusting myself and trusting that other person. So if you're looking for peace over the holidays, you can be very proactive in considering creating space, thinking about emotions, thinking about how to not take things so personally, thinking about your choices and think about what's your strategy? When will you exit? When will you engage? Do you know those? So, all of those things, if you are proactive about them, it's gonna make the holidays more enjoyable for you, less stressful, because you're more equipped to say, How am I gonna handle this? But I want to just talk about some also good questions to prepare yourself for the weeks to come. And these are more just general emotions, general holiday uh dynamics that tend to affect the one is think about the situations or comments that tend to trigger you. I definitely know what those are for me. I definitely know. And for the sake of my family relationships and my friend relationships, I'm not even gonna say them, but I definitely know what my triggers are. And then, second, how do you usually react when you're overwhelmed or irritated? What would you like to do differently? When I get triggered, I react in a not kind way. That's not cool. That's not who I want to be, right? It's not how I want to show up, especially during the holiday. I mean all the time, frankly, but during the holidays in particular, when it's supposed to be magical, I'm not acting magical. So, how do I prevent those things from coming out, those destructive reactions? And rather choose a calm response. But the next question is how do I give myself grace? So you are probably gonna, by definition, have some stress. You're probably gonna be tired over the holidays, you're probably gonna be emotionally activated. It would be hard uh not to in today's world, right? But what will you do to give yourself grace? What would that look like for you? And grace means different things to all of us. I have had some, you know, holiday experiences that I look back and I regret. Maybe last year in particular, there was one incident that I look back on and like I did not show up as my best self. And I beat myself up about that for quite a long time because I expect a lot from myself. But I also had to tell myself, Cindy, I think you were kind of doing the best you could in that situation. You didn't react well. But in processing it and figuring out why I reacted that way and what can I do to prevent that in the future, I think I also did a good job trying to think about lessons learned from that. So the grace came from reflection and acceptance, but also what will I do differently or try to do differently in the future? And the last question, and this might be the most important question of all, is what intention do you want to set for how you're gonna show up this holiday season? So if you're struggling, striving for peace, there are things you can do proactively, but think about a goal for yourself. And I want to have a great goal for this holiday season. I want to have a goal for how I'm going to show up intentionally for myself, how I want to show up for my family, how I want to try to tamp down some of those perfectionist tendencies and to be open to new ideas, new traditions, and new ways, and maybe some old ways that I haven't been as accepting of in terms of how people are also showing up for the holidays and how they're expressing themselves during this holiday season. And I got some really, I think, important and clear goals for myself. So I wish for you the best holiday season, and I hope that you find peace. And in that peace of pausing and examining what's happening within you and adjusting your stories, choosing that centered response and exiting or engaging mindfully, all of those things will lead to greater joy and greater peace this holiday season. And that is my wish for all of you. You can't control your family dynamics, but what you can control is how you show up. When you ground yourself and recognize your triggers, you can choose intentional responses that create more space and more peace for you. And everyone around you. So choose one moment this holiday season at least to practice the peace framework. When you feel that tension rising, take a beat, pause, take a breath, and use one tool in this episode to respond with clarity instead of reactivity. Notice how one mindful choice can shift the entire interaction. I wish you a holiday filled with joy and peace. And please share this episode with someone who you think needs a little bit more joy, peace, and festivity in their life, regardless of what holidays or any holidays they celebrate.