The Mind of a Masochist

In this episode, Lady Petra and SafferMaster chat with Alicia,  who is a long time masochist into intense scenes, about her experience being a masochist over a Cuban Old Fashioned. 

Publishers note: Difficult audio recording replaced. This is a much better audio. Enjoy! 

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Transcript

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Lady Petra 0:00

You're listening to kinky cocktail hour, a conversation between adults about sex forward relationships, Kinky lifestyles, and frank communication. If you're under 18, please stop listening and visit Scarlet teen.com. Hi, this is Lady Petra Saffermaster, and this is kinky cocktail hour.

SafferMaster 0:20

Cheers.

Lady Petra 0:22

Hi, I'm lady Petra and my pronouns are she her and hers

SafferMaster 0:27

And I'm Saffermaster and my pronouns are his him and he. So what are we drinking today?

Lady Petra 0:35

We are drinking a Cuban old fashioned and I've never had an old fashioned Cuban. So it's white rum, triple sec. Angostura bitters water and a sugar cube . So you do the traditional thing by putting the sugar cube in the bottom of the glass, put your teaspoons of water on and then three to four dashes of the bitters , and then you muddle those.

0:58

Speaker 2: Okay. Speaker 1: And then you add , um, a splash, couple of splashes of triple sec to each, and then you add , um, one and a half parts of rum and then ice it up real well. And then there's a lime twist on this one. So that's the, that's the rum influence on the cocktail ? Speaker 2: Well, it looks good. Speaker 1: Yeah, we'll see. Speaker 2: Yup. Speaker 1: Yeah, it's got a little spice in it. Speaker 2: That's really way too easy to drink though. It is. Speaker 1: You can imagine, I can imagine sitting on a piece right now thinking it's hot smoking a cigar and you want to just sit and watch the public go by. This would be way too easy to do drink.

SafferMaster 1:46

Yeah. Oh , I like it. That's good. Great. So , um, I want to remind everybody that on Friday. Yep . We're going to start by reviewing the chapter one of Gordon. Yes. Still chance to get the book. I got it on Kindle from Amazon.

Lady Petra 2:04

Yeah.

2:04

Speaker 2: To download and read. Speaker 1: Yeah.

SafferMaster 2:08

And , uh, we're going to discuss chapter one. So join us. Awesome. Well, I'm excited to talk to , our guest today. Alicia, who on Fetlife is "Blood is Love to me".

2:22

Speaker 1. Yes. Speaker 2: She is a long time masochist. And you know, this is interesting because we just had a conversation with brutal master who's in long time sadist. Speaker 1: Speaker 2: Correct. So it's really the other side of that conversation. Yeah . And you know , her experience as a masochist. Quite interesting. And I'm looking forward to hearing how it all occurred for her. Speaker 1: Yeah. It will be really helpful to demystify some of the stuff for people. So, yeah. Excellent. Speaker 2: That's the idea. So welcome Alicia. Speaker 3: Thank you, nice to be here. Well, we normally begin these conversations, Alicia, with inviting you to share with us your journey as a masochist . So when did you sort of discover yourself as a masochist and how has that journey evolved to what you're up to today?

Alecia 3:04

I think it started when I was a kid at a very young age, I think I always knew I liked pain and I was one of those kids that started cutting when they were like 11 years old and it always just made me feel better. Like, when I was in a bad mood, it would improve my mood. And when I was younger, everyone j ust m ade m e f eel l ike it was so wrong. It was always something I had to feel guilty about. And, uh Yeah, for a long time. I just thought it was a bad thing. And I didn't even k now S & M was a t hing u ntil I was about 25. Then I felt like I felt stupid and that I hadn't discovered it yet. And, but I started dating a vanilla guy who made me feel like it was wrong and yea its amazing now that I can be a masochist and be open about it and have it be accepted by people. Its an amazing thing.

3:59

Speaker 1: When you had your vanilla relationship, I mean, were you shamed about being a masochist or did you ask for what you needed and he made you feel shamed by that that? Speaker 3: Uh, eventually when I realized I wanted to be hit, he just couldn't really do it. He pretty much was too vanilla for me which made me feel strange as well. Yea so that is why I left. I wanted someone who would do things like that to me and to enjoy it and not feel wrong about it.

SafferMaster 4:34

Reminds me of that scene in the movie secretary where she's trying to get her boyfriend to her and he has no idea what to do.

Lady Petra 4:43

Yeah . So how did you meet your Master now? Or did you have Masters before?

4:49

Speaker 3: I had a Masters before, mainly looking for seeing a sadist type, but I found that many people were just inexperienced. So the kinds of things that I wanted people to do to me , they , sometimes would make mistakes. I eventually realized that I can get really hurt by people making mistakes on m e . So that was why I started looking for my Master.

Lady Petra 5:19

Would you share like what those mistakes meant to you? I mean , share with the with our listeners, what those mistakes were, if you can, because people who are beginning masochist don't know what to look for.

Alecia 5:30

Yes, exactly. I think I made some real typical mistakes. Like starting out. I found a guy that just , when he got drunk, he would just change. He just started hurting me and he went like that. So at first, what was that ?

Lady Petra 5:49

That sounds like abuse.

Alecia 5:50

Yeah. Yeah . Yeah. But the problem at first I was encouraging it and because that was what I wanted was someone that would hurt me like that. But then, you know, there were nights where he would black out and I couldn't stop h im and having nights like that, I started realizing h ow I can die from stuff like this. It's not something I w ant t o d o.

Lady Petra 6:21

You don't want to die .

Alecia 6:22

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I mean , just from someone being careless you know?

SafferMaster 6:28

Yeah. So I have a question for you, if you , if you can consider your exploration of pain and your sense of yourself as a masochist, how has that evolved from your when you started looking for a sadist to now, what's your current, looking back with this lens, what's your current experience of your journey?

Alecia 6:53

I think that I started out extremely hard. I started out probably blindly jumping in, and wanting the hardest of hard all the time. And I think that over time I experienced a lot of that, a nd I still don't k now, I s till want to get b ack t o, that harder state, but I think when I was younger, i t was a lot more about doing really the heavy st uff. An d t he more I did that I guess I was probably mo re o f k i nd t oward easing off, I guess, at this point,

Lady Petra 7:32

When you have, when I look at your pictures and stuff and I see the real heavy use, how frequent is that heavy use compared to like regular use meaning, for example, me as a masochist, I get a daily maintenance spanking, which i s flogging and get used. And then we might h ave a scene which was is more higher protocol with caning about once a week. How often are you having heavy s cenes?

Alecia 7:57

Well, back when we were doing heavy scenes, it's sort of different because my master and I don't live very close to each other. So we would do a heavy scene about once a month a real heavy one, so we are still kind of keeping with that same kind of schedule. I think just not quite as h eavy.

SafferMaster 8:17

Gotcha.

Lady Petra 8:18

Do you crave more of a daily type of masochistic experience.

Alecia 8:25

I don't think so, I think our situation works well for us. I find that I save it up really. I find that it's easier for me if I do it all at one time instead of smaller bits, I think, kind a save it up and then just ue

SafferMaster 8:41

I'm interested to know how long of a scene you have with your master on a monthly basis. Is that a several hour experience or is that just an hour or two? Or is it maybe in the course of a day? Like how long it take to explore your masochism? And he his sadism to leave you with t he s ort of m arks and, and blood that you experience.,

Alecia 9:06

I would say it really depends on w hat w e're d oing. It's definitely not quick. We used to do a really long scenes a nd that kind of thing. If you ask me though, it's a really hard thing to define and you would have to ask someone else ca n b ecause time kind of sto ps for me.

Lady Petra 9:33

Yeah.

SafferMaster 9:34

I get that. I really do talk to us about how you experience pain. Like what's that experience been like for you.

Alecia 9:40

I think are very positive stories , which is really what I like. And I think that sometimes I don't present it as people, not like crying's your time .

SafferMaster 10:10

So it doesn't, I'm trying to get, I'm trying to understand. Does pain for you as a masochist with, with the kind of desires you experience , does pain occur to you as pleasure? Or is it just a noise that you have to set aside or it doesn't occur as a release for you?

Alecia 10:30

I think more saying , yeah. Sorry . I'm emotionally. And especially if I'm upset when I can just change how I feel like I'm crying and I feel pain, I just started feeling happy. My son is sad. It's happy .

SafferMaster 11:04

So when you said early on, you learned about cutting, is it similar to that kind of release? Like, you know, when cutting you go to cutting, it's usually like something's built up by cutting. You feel a release, you feel kind of a euphoria, you feel better. Is that what you're experiencing ?

Alecia 11:20

I think he can be like that sometimes. Especially depending on the experience, I feel like that, especially, yeah , especially in, I find that having someone else hurt me, my experiences , definitely not thinking about , but I think that's happiness. I know that when I'm getting used for me, it makes me really present. I become really present. Like if anything else was an issue during the day, it doesn't matter because I may have to be present in that moment. Do you find the same thing? Yes. I find that exactly. And that's why people are turning the computer off because you can't really think about something . You're not worried about what happened yesterday, turning your brain off brand new. Totally great. Do you have a preferred implement that you prefer the most? Because for me, I've, I've become in love. I'm newer than you at this, but the floggers my thing. So we have some criteria . I tell them to really like a toy that is a trust plate to a panel . So I was like, what else can I help? So then for gotcha.

SafferMaster 13:38

I have a question about, let's talk about blood play just for a minute. The question that I have is in the play that you're participating in and as you put it, you're getting torn up. Is that tissue damage superficial or does it extend down into the subcutaneous and musculature ?

Alecia 14:05

Something like that, but just because you have a yoga practice, right?

SafferMaster 14:21

Yeah. So you don't find that these beatings interfere with some of the poses that you do .

Alecia 14:26

Oh , I gotcha .

SafferMaster 14:44

Yeah. Thank you for sharing. So the other thing I wanted to ask you about is, you know, I read a bunch of your writings and you've had some things say about sexuality and I wanted you to speak into where sex occurs for you now and how your sexuality is tied to your masochism and what your experience of yourself is as a sexual being.

Alecia 18:12

I see rather complicated place for the last few years or a section, I guess in the past, that used to be different and things like that can overshare , you know , experiences , learning experiences like that. So I tell you sexual relationships these days , but yeah.

Lady Petra 18:55

So I read your profile about your alternative profile, which kind of leads me to believe that you're looking at options of service of, or , or financial sub, which would lead me to think that fits right into our asexual type of beingness right now. Are you just looking for some type of power over another individual right now to explore ,

Alecia 19:19

Especially the service side, helping me out for me , financial side. That's just because there's some people that I enjoy. I've tried doing some of that. I tend to be intimidated because something that people should know how to do, if they're doing it, I always kind of makes me to name , but the signs in different sides , because I don't think I can play along very well. So something else to explore

Lady Petra 19:59

Think that's great because as a masochist, which is generally submissive, you know, you have both sides of the fence. I mean , for you to play on the other side is going to mean you're going to be able to have empathy and identify with your sub more. So I think that's, I think it's a positive, I mean, I'm a switch. So as I'm on this interview, I'm lady Petra, but in my devotion to Safir master, I'm a colored slut, colored Sable, totally different. And I gift that to him as my sadist . So I totally get what you're saying.

SafferMaster 20:31

So I'm curious, there's a lot of concern that I have looking at your pictures for the question of glad cleanliness and hygiene and ask the care. I'm just curious, like how you approach those things, given that you're being torn up as you put it. So how , what's your experience

Alecia 20:54

Of from the time of scene ends till the time you go home? Like, how does that, how does that play out? The scene is depends how much cleaning there has to be and how much, like I was cleaning the area and taking care of it oftentimes, or sometimes there is a time, depending on the reason I asked

Lady Petra 21:35

Is does your state have particular implements? He only uses on you since there is blood usually being achieved or are they being cleaned in a way for safety?

Alecia 21:46

Yes, I'd say. Gotcha . How did you meet your status? Post ? My experience. Yeah , back then. And so luckily everything's worked out great . Yeah , it's really great tonight .

Lady Petra 22:30

So is it a DS dynamic when you are actually playing or is it all the time? Meaning can he just contact you out of the blue and say, I need to see you now and you're at his Beck and call or are you a masochist on your own and that you arrange together play time with your status ?

Alecia 22:48

Oh , they're really far apart. So that's pretty difficult. I usually spend on him for it and I find that very painful taken care of by mass . I don't have to do a whole lot to myself. I find it more fun than wait for him.

Lady Petra 23:16

I think it's amazing that you found him through personal. How did you interview him or assess him to know if he was appropriate to play with, because you had been with other people, did you have a meeting and then a place scene , like a preliminary police scene or how did you decide that?

Alecia 23:36

It really impressed me about him at first. He just wanted to talk to me the first few meetings. He knew a thing. He talked to me, which I felt was so different from most people, most people are. And he wasn't like that. He met with me talk to me when I think that really , it was kind of a different thing that really impressed me. And yeah, he could do the things that I wanted to do. Like I had the front of my body and that was something I had had that experience just picking like kind of swinging wildly and almost hitting me on headphone with it and not doing any real damage. But, you know , I was thinking, you know , things like that could be done for me. And so my master so that he could do things like that. So things like that towards him, because he was experienced so different from what people are.

Lady Petra 25:03

That's really powerful. I think it's him getting to know you is key. I think my experience with my status was the same thing. Getting to know him first to find out there's a connection and trust a bit of ability to have trust there. So do you have in a scene cause you're pretty extreme, but do you have an, a scene safe words or anything or pauses as needed or where are you at with that?

Alecia 25:29

Sure . How do you manage a seat ? Technically I'm a have a seat. I haven't any long time. I try not. I try mainly when I do is I try to communicate and I try and negotiate with same . And ideally for me, I know exactly what I'm putting into and I try to just do it. And sometimes you must continue beyond that sometimes because I can get into my mind where I'm doing. And then that's like my whole,

Lady Petra 26:08

Just to , to know what your emotions are in advance of a scene during a scene and after receipt. So what do you experience before a scene? Do you have fear or excitement? What's there for you

Alecia 26:23

Here lately? It's something that kind of trying to hit these experiences and you know, and most of the time, once I start doing it, I start relaxing and I start remembering that I enjoy it. And then afterwards I'll normally just feel amazing. So it's just a process

Lady Petra 26:51

Now as a masochist, I experienced this. I wonder if you experienced this too. Women are funny cause we have hormones that change throughout the month and there are definitely times in a month where I feel like I can handle more. And there are other times where I'm super sensitive and I'm like, wow, he's barely touching me. And I'm like reacting, hardcore, do you have that same kind of sensation ?

Alecia 27:21

So there's a part of the experience that you've had, where you were new to the extreme degrees of play that you're participating in now. And then there's where you are now. And so what can you share with us as a masochist dealing with the transition from when you started to do these more intense scenes to now where, you know, going in, it's going to be like everything that you're expecting. So how was your experience of yourself as a master masochist training? Trump say when you're in your early twenties to now finally just kind of upfront options and there's so many different girls , something that I haven't tried yet, that's a scary, you know , one of the experiences that I'm present to as a sadist with an earned colored masochist is that when I Mark her, she like really appreciates and enjoys and is proud of her marks . Do you have the same experience, especially close to it ?

Lady Petra 29:38

You ever found, obviously you're with her master now five years and that's fantastic. But before that, had you found a master that you were actually coexisting with, have they all been ones you visit ?

SafferMaster 29:52

Have you ever had a 24 seven dynamic? I wonder how that would occur for you.

Lady Petra 29:58

Yeah. I hear a lot of myself in you at a different extreme obviously, but I hear, I hear you. And so I just want as another masochist, I just want you to know you're heard and I am profoundly moved by you sharing your experience with us.

SafferMaster 30:14

Yeah. It's really incredible. Aisha, thank you so much for taking time to share with us your journey. It's really amazing what you've accomplished and what you're up to, and I really appreciate it. So thank you.

Lady Petra 30:29

That's it for today. You can find us on your favorite podcast directory. We also have an RSS fee . If you're interested in online coaching for kink stirs or online domination, you can visit our Patrion website at lady Petra playground. And if you're having comments or suggestions or drink ideas for our podcast, you can email me@ladypetraplaygroundatgmail.com .

Speaker 4 30:58

That's it. Cheers. Cheers.