[music credit, Ketsa “Day Trips,” upbeat sounds without words] 

Holly 00:32

Hi how are you!

I am going to try and keep this short. My kid has a zoom friend date (laughter)  in about 15 minutes, so this will be quick, but I wanted to pop in and wish you all a joyful end of the year and all kinds of happy holidays (whatever you're celebrating).

Holly 00:59

I am in a really great mood. I am officially on break, well, my kids are officially on holiday break, winter break, which is making ironically my work life a lot easier. I'm actually waking up and doing a lot of work in the mornings and I’m feeling really productive, like I'm catching up on things and that feels really good.

Holly 01:24

I'm also enjoying the slower pace, well it’s hard to say a slower pace because (laughter) we're pretty slow but it does feel like there’s a slower pace that comes with holiday break. I've gotten most of my presents done (we celebrate Christmas) and I've even started to wrap them. I even found the ones that I've lost. (laughter) If you recall, earlier in the year, I knitted two ornaments: two “dumpster fire 2020” ornaments (laughter), which really captured how I was feeling in the fall about online school. And I finished them off-- I sewed in all the millions of ends and made sure that they looked really sweet as ornaments and then I put them away somewhere safe. And I went to give them earlier this week and I could not find them (frustrated sigh). I ended up having to send a different project to one of my friends as a gift--oh i was so grumpy about this--but because shipping is such a nightmare right now, I wanted to send my packages out early. 

Holly 02:24

But the good news is that I found them! (laughter) I found the lost presents! So this is a good reminder to me about how much mentally I've had to struggle with this year. I was trying to kind of capture all of it in an email for a friend and I found I couldn't even write the email; it was just too much, especially in terms of what my family has dealt with both personally and privately in terms of struggling with addiction and then also, just, you know, grappling with the pandemic and its impact on the world. 

Holly 02:59

I just wanted to come on here and thank you all for helping me through this year. It’s been a lot and I've been questioning: how did I get through this year? And not surprisingly I got through it with knitting, with making, and I got through it with a lot of talking about recovery--both here on the podcast and then also of course in my weekly Al-Anon meetings and of course with my therapist. 

Holly 03:22

I really do feel like I am in a healthier place this year than when I started and that feels really good, and just (pause) to kind of quickly remind you: I am just speaking of my own personal experience of recovery, which for me means a 12-step program with Al-anon. I am trying to think through how my codependency impacts my family and so this is just my personal story of recovery, strength, and hope. As always (emphatic), I am not speaking as a representative of Al-Anon and you should *totally* take what you like and jettison and leave behind anything that is not working for you. Really that is such wonderful advice overall to bring to all of our affairs.

Holly 04:14

Anyway, it’s almost the end of the year.  I don't want to do a retrospective or anything. I get really overwhelmed by having to do any kind of accounting of productivity and so that's not what I'm here for today but I have noticed that (happy excited tone) I did accomplish a lot and that's sort of a good reminder because sometimes (quiet sigh), you know the shame spiral that not good enough feeling with as a mom, as an employee, as a person in the world, as a citizen, and an ally to the oppressed and all of that and then also is a partner that … (pause and laughter) I just always feel like I kind of suck at it all. it's good sometimes helps me realize that actually No!  I plug away at things and I got a lot done and there's a lot of joy in the living.

Holly 04:58

And that's what I want to talk about today: I want to talk about joy (happy tone) because I *am* feeling joyful and it's showing up in my knitting. (Confiding tone) Y'all... my knitting has gotten a little bit absurd. I really have taken a turn towards the frivolous in terms of my favorites on Ravelry. I don't know if you all use Ravelry and the favorites feature, but I am finding myself favoriting a LOT of a holiday themed items and we're not just talking Christmas sweaters-- although there have been a lot of favoriting of Christmas sweaters But I’m also thinking about Valentine's Day sock and (pause) I even just favorited a kind of medieval-style baclava that looks like a knight. Like it's a hat that makes you look like a medieval Knight! (laughter)

Holly 05:59

I feel like that’s insane but also awesome (laughter) and that's kind of where I'm at right now. (laughter)  Like the world feels (surprised tone) hopeful and I feel joyous and that is showing up (laughter) in these in these projects. I don't know if I'll ever make them but I have suddenly feel I suddenly feel ready to kind of think through something less than utilitarian stash busting.

Holly 06:15

I have always been somebody who tries very hard to wear what I make and I have made a lot of practical sweaters that I've worn and I love. I've been wearing a black Letti Lopi Felix sweater, which I think I made early this year as part of the best day ever crafting podcast. It was super fun and it's really been very practical. It's kind of like a sweatshirt. I also have a beautiful cream cardigan that’s literally called the “uniform” cardigan by … (pause) who is it by? oh goodness… maybe madder made perhaps? (doubtful tone).  I'll look this up. but it's like cream colored and thick and rustic and beautiful and I'm very proud of it. It would have looked so great as cables. 

The yarn is so perfect for it but I digress. I'm not going to frog it. It's perfect as it is. It's very wearable even though it could be more perfect because of course that's how my brain works.  it's really wearable. I used to CoCoknits sweater method, I kind of mashed it with the other pattern so I could get a better fit around the shoulders and it has a little bit of a wonky shawl-collar, but still, like, I said it's perfectly wearable and it's very practical sine it’s cream-colored.

Holly 07:46

So I've knit a cream-color sweater, a black sweater, and even  a navy blue sweater. I think it's the honeycomb pattern? It’s one of those cropped pullovers by Andrea Mowry. But it's navy blue, knit out of Brooklyn Tweed shelter yarn. It's very rustic and wooly and (laughter) you know not crazy in terms of color. It is one of those crop sweaters that are not really my style but you know, I’m wearing my makes! And I've done a really good job of being really practical and thoughtful about it. As you know, I don't have a lot of spending money for this hobby. I get a lot of my materials for a very affordable price at a creative reuse center--upcycle in Alexandria. I just love that place. So I've mostly made you know very practical decisions about yarn. If I do have frivolous materials it's because I found them at upcycle and I want to reuse them and so I have my careless cardigan that I made and I've been wearing, which I made with rayon yarn. Remember the Saga of the rayon yarn? (laughter) and I knit a love note sweater that I made for both my kid and for me in like a fuzzy mohair acrylic yarn. So I have been good about using upcycled materials but suddenly, I’m hitting favorite hearts on baclava medieval Knight hats. 

Holly 09:17

That can be a fun task for 2021, right? (laughter). I don't know if I'll make it or not. It does seem like a lot of time to make something that  I might wear it once or twice. But, as a sidebar,  I *am* a researcher who studies the pre-modern past so it's not as out there as you might think. Like I might actually wear this to a school event to make my students laugh. Another thing I am obsessed with is ruff or like a faux fur collar made out of weird velour chunky Chenille yarn. (laughter). 

Holly 09:55

Don’t worry. I'm not going all the way to fun fur… I have not lost my mind. but like a collar, maybe sounds cool? Like one of those vintage, fake fur collars? Ha, so yeah I’ve gone from gift knitting last week to this week’s holiday-themed items... like heart socks, or Christmas socks. My searches on ravelry are like “candy cane socks” and “galantine socks,” which if you're not in the states  Galentine’s day is a made-up holiday of the already made up holiday of Valentine's Day but this is when you give gifts to your gal friends, and the women who help you through life. I think it comes from Parks and Rec. It’s a really cute holiday and I love galentine's day way more than Valentine's Day.

Holly 10:50

And so why am I rambling about this and what does it have to do with addiction recovery? Well you know… the holidays are not fun. Or they have not been fun for me and my family. Valentine's Day was always disappointing. I always have to buy myself my own chocolates. Or when my partner would buy me a gift, it would be something that was too big, something to try and make up for everything that had happened and so he’d spend way too much money on something that wasn't really a practical purchase and didn't really make me feel very loved. Ot kind of usually just stressed me out but it was very thoughtful of him to get those gifts. But the gifts were always about an apology rather than just kind of spontaneous lovely gifting.

Holly 11:41

And now I feel like I might be hopeful. I'm not there yet but of course I need to keep doing my recovery. I'm going to lots of meetings but I'm really feeling hopeful about holidays in the year ahead and part of it is that I'm learning to give myself my own gifts. Make myself the things that make me smile and they don't always have to be utilitarian and practical. There can also be joy. And it reminds me of my meeting yesterday, where somebody very wise said that... it was a meeting about step one and the principles of Al-Anon. The principle that connects to step one is honesty and acceptance. And there were lots of shares about how we have to accept our honest feelings, which are often the things that we hide and are filled with shame about, but then the very last speaker you know who jumped in at the very last second gave this bit of wisdom. He said that acceptance is also about accepting the parts of ourselves that we like and that make us happy. And for those of us who are co-dependent... that can be really hard to share and so the idea that I’m going to knit a baclava medieval hat (laughter) and share my love of knitting and weird objects with my students in a professional setting... now that I say that loud it sounds crazy but anyway…(laughter) I'm thinking about that sounds pretty good to me.

Holly 13:10 

So I'm going to stop there because. I have to jump but thank you so much I've been so grateful for this sense of not being alone that you as the listeners with this rambling podcast provide to me.

Holly 13:25

I hope that you're well I hope that you have beautiful materials to work with I hope that you're in a joyful spot if you're celebrating a holiday this month and I hope that you're really excited about the year-end and that even with the continued challenges that I know are there waiting for me on January 1st I hope for you as well that there's a sense of hope and purpose and joy as we turn the page in the calendar. So thank you again for spending time with me I wish you and your family all kinds of joy this year. 

Holly 14:04

Take care. Bye!