In this episode, I talk about lessons I learned from knitting a fingering-weight Christmas sweater...in February.
[instrumental intro music, upbeat with trills and bells
Music Credit: Ketsa, “Day Trips”]
Holly 00:30
Hello how are you it is really nice here it's a Saturday afternoon it's like late in the afternoon and I'm feeling really really upbeat. Because I took care of some tasks that were a long time in dealing with but of course took very little time when I felt like dealing with them instead of just stepping around them.
Holly 00:59
I’m also really excited because I finally, finally finished my christmas sweater. Yes, it’s March 1st (laughter) and it’s wickedly out of season. For those of you who are just joining me, this is a sweater that I cast on pretty late in December. Oh that holiday-mindset and the hubris. You think you can cast on and accomplish so much more than you can. I should say I do this.
Holly 01:46
So I cast on the, I think it’s called the Betty and Judy Lodge Sweater. It’s a vintage style, intarsia holiday sweater. It’s quite absurd. It has holly leaves on it and my name is holly and I love that. And anyway it's brought me a lot of joy for most of January. It was very brightly colored red. It’s a fingering weight sweater and it was a bit of a slog and then of course there were some fit issues. The sweater is cropped but it was too cropped so I had to undo the ribbing but anyway the end result is really lovely it fits really well and because I've taken the time to make some modifications, I'm really happy with the end result. I have the time and leisure to get it just the way I want it and that's just such a perk of doing it this way.
Holly 02:57
And so I think that's going to be my theme for today, really thinking about what happens when you give something the time that you know it actually takes. I don't know about you but I sometimes, in my making like, I can get really obsessed by the shiny new thing...the shiny new yarn or whatever the new pattern is that everybody seems to be making and I lose sight of, you know, what makes me happy and what I'm going to wear and what will be useful and what fits my life. And, what’s even harder, I am not always being really honest with myself about who I am in this moment and what it is that I really want. So I think this sweater, this untimely Christmas sweater (laughter), is showing me a lot of lessons about recovery. So I'm going to try and talk through them with you today.
Holly 04:00
As always thank you for joining me. My name is Holly, and I'm so happy you're spending a little bit of time with me. I'm so grateful that there's anybody listening to this. If you're new, I started this-- oh my goodness almost a year ago, right before my neighborhood and my state and community went into lockdown. And at the time I couldn't find an online version of Al-Anon. I had been going weekly to an Al-Anon meeting and I was finding it really helpful but of course I didn't take anybody's phone numbers and I was very hesitant to identify as part of the group and you know I just kind of assumed that I'd always have this opportunity of dropping in when it was convenient for me. And then all the sudden--as we all know--the pandemic came and changed everything and I couldn't find my recovery community. And so I started this podcast, just as a way to continue practicing talking about, you know, my experience of... I think the phrase is my experience, strength, and hope. But that’s a terrible sentence: “my experience of experience …” But you catch the drift. I just wanted to practice talking about recovery and the other thing is that I love knitting. I love knitting so much. I think about it a lot; I do it a lot; it has really been an important tool of recovery for me and so when when the pandemic happened I just thought I would continue to use some of the skills that I do in my work, which involved a little bit of podcasting to start talking about the intersection of knitting and recovery.
Holly 05:42
I am just really humbled and grateful that there's a bunch of people who also want to think about this so, again, thank you. I'm really really happy you're here. And thank you so much for joining me and taking some time to listen. The other thing that I'll say is that, you know, I'm just speaking from my own personal experience. I identify as a member of a 12-step program and that twelve-step program for me is Al-Anon but I'm not speaking here as a representative of Al-Anon or any 12-step program. I'm just speaking as a person, who has struggled with codependency and with mood disorders and also with the chaos that comes from loving somebody who struggles with an addiction. I also recognize that there are other 12-step programs out there and other ways to approach these topics. So when I talk here, I'm really just talking knitter to knitter, and sewist to sewist, and human-to-human. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Holly 07:02
With all those caveats in place I do want to talk a little bit though about what I think is a really good lesson that's embedded in this ridiculous sweater that I've made for myself (laughter). Now I am fully recognizing that it is almost March and I'm not going to wear a Christmas sweater and to be honest in terms of practicality of a Christmas sweater is pretty impractical right? (laughter) I'm not somebody who wears themed clothing very much lately I've been kind of turning to the joy of knitting and personalizing things and making holiday items like Valentine's Day socks and right now I'm also thinking about Patrick's Day and green socks as well and all that kind of fun stuff but as I was saying in the intro that you know the sweater it's taking me a really long time and because I'm not under a deadline because the soonest i’ll wear it is 8 months away or let’s be real it’s probably more like nine months away. It has really given me a lot of time to take my time with it, to really slow down and really think about whether or not it's done.
Holly 08:22
And you know there were a few times when I thought it was done but then I tried it on and I realize it was too short. It’s a cropped sweater but mine was super cropped and I am a middle-aged lady and I do not wear super cropped sweaters. I'm pretty short waisted so I didn't have a huge amount to add to the body of a sweater but still this was short so even though I had sewn the bind off--I had done this like fancy ribbed bind off and I really took my time with it and I thought it was done, but it wasn't done. I needed to undo it to make it practical and wearable. I needed to spend a little bit more time with it and the end result is that I'm really happy with it. It feels like an accomplishment because of course it's a fingering weight sweater and that's like years of my life (laughter) even though it's just 2 months.
Holly 09:21
But I also realize that it is teaching me something, which is that I can take my time and I can follow my program at the pace in which it's meant to be unfolding in my life. That it's not about forcing things and really moving quickly through the steps. It's about how to learn and think in a different way and that really does take time. And I'm starting to see the benefits of that in my own program, just like I saw with my knitting in my sweater. And so, you know, for me and it's so hard when you love somebody with an addiction and you keep hoping things are going to change and you can't control it and then you start to, or I guess I should speak from the I, I found myself really getting more and more controlling and more and more depressed as I watched my partner struggle with alcohol addiction. And I think I spent a lot of time early on trying to figure out what the right thing to do was. I would listen to podcasts about whether or not I should stay or go. I would read all these books; at one time I even bought a book called raising children in an alcoholic home. I mean obviously the message is, like, don't. But I was hoping it would like offer some kind of strategy for how to do it. And you know the book is really great-- I recommend it to anybody who's interested--but I was misusing it. I wanted it to be like a how-to manual rather than a kind of how do you deal with the effects of this disease and its dysfunction.
Holly 11:18
And I guess the thing for me that I found in personal work with my therapy and then also in program and then also as I said with my knitting is that things take time. It takes time to change; it takes time to know what to do. And and and I have found that the Universe sends me really clear signs when it is time to take a drastic action. So if you're out there and you're finding that any of this resonates with you. I guess what I would share about this is that I found that you know that old saying that when the student is ready, the teacher appears. It really was true in my case. Every part of this program unfolds at a slow pace for me and really showed what it's like when the path is clear and the steps are easy to take. If the steps aren't feeling easy to take then I'm not at the right point to take them, if that makes sense. And you know there's this story that I've heard-- I can't find it anywhere in program literature--but that some people have said like you're always on time in Al-Anon or you're always on time in AA. That there's no wrong time to show up and the point is to show up, so worrying about being late is like so many of the other caveats that anybody puts in terms of change.
Holly 12:54
I certainly had those sticking points for me, like what if somebody might know me there. Or what what if I'm recognized and of course the gift of anonymity really makes sure that that is addressed and then one of my sticking points was like I'm not into the higher power and the god language and of course (laughter) a year into the program I'm realizing that I think that's the most people. Those of us who are either in the throes of addiction or in the throes of loving somebody with an addiction, nobody's really feeling like their higher power is really taking care of them. Nobody is really spiritual andin such a sad and dysfunctional place and so that's why it's built into the program, so that we can learn a new way of thinking about the universe and our situation. So that it's not always catastrophe after catastrophe after catastrophe.
Holly 13:54
I have found that to be really interesting and again in my own way and my own understanding in my own definition of what that meant I found myself getting more spiritual and this thing that was at one point a complete deal-breaker, at the right time you know Step 2 unfolded for me. And then the same with step 3 and now I'm in Step 4. Step four is also one of the things that I just thought, no way am I doing this program. Making inventory of every defect of character, like I would rather not spend the time doing that. (laughter) And then also the idea that I was going to have to, in my head, I thought I was going to have to go around and say I'm sorry to, like, you know the jerk I dated in college (laughter) and like all kinds of things... I just made it so much worse than it was because of my disordered thinking. And when I was ready to take the step, what I found was that it's a real gentle step and really is about taking an inventory of my character, my strengths and my weaknesses and that includes my strengths.
Holly 15:05
I've been looking really squarely at the way that I talk to myself internally and how I failed to take care of myself even as I'm trying to take care of everyone around me and so I guess that's what I'm thinking about with my sweater, too. (laughter) That in taking this time and doing it, you know, totally off schedule and off calendar--nobody's knitting a Christmas sweater in March!-- but in doing so I found that I have made a really nice sweater (laughter) and it was worth it to do it this way. And it'll be waiting for me next season and I can enjoy it without any of the stress of trying to knit it rushed or wearing it when it's not quite fitting right and then also be really disappointed with it. There's something about when I finish the sweater, oh my gosh, I just hate it so now I get to forget about it, right? Like I'm sick of looking at it and I’m fine if I don't see it again for 8 months! That sounds pretty good right now! And so yes I finished that and I'm feeling really good about it. And again like I said I'm trying to just meditate on what lessons are here for me and that’s to keep doing things at my own pace and it's a okay if I'm tardy or behind other people or if I'm not moving fast enough in my recovery. I am right where I need to be and it's a good place to be.
Holly 16:47
So that's what I've been thinking about. I will also add that I finished my Prada intarsia socks, which were also kind of a slog and I wore them and they are awesome! (laughter) Even my kiddos told me that they look really, really good. They asked me if I bought them--that is like the highest compliment, they like things not handmade but bought. {laughter} So yeah I always feel good when I get a compliment from my kids on my knitting. So I'm now at that delightful stage where I get to plan some new projects. Of course I cast on a new pair of socks right away because it's always good to have a pair of socks on your needles and I am making the most vanilla sock pattern ever and I'm enjoying it. The yarn is really fun; it's bright green so I'm in the St. Patty's Day mood. Even though I have said all this stuff about slow knitting it's definitely fun to have some quick wins some easy wins! I’m knitting them from stash yarn, including contrasting toe and heel colors. I think they'll be really really cool. I'm hoping I can make them for my son for next year for snow days. He has come to see the wisdom of having wool socks for snow days because of you know they're so perfect for when it's wet and cold out and the pair that I had made him previously is just too small-- he's growing like a weed--so I'm thinking of going to make them for him. I'm not sure if he's going to wear neon green, crazy socks but if not I'll wear them. They might be a little big for me but that's fine and then I also a cast on a cardigan sweater... a lace cardigan sweater! Another fingering weight sweater! But the construction is really groovy and like I said I'm just taking my time with it, using lots and lots of stitch markers so I don't get frustrated with the lace pattern and I'm trying really hard to enjoy and use up stash yarn. It will hopefully look really nice and will be perfect for… I was about to say early spring but let's be real it's not going to get done for early spring it's probably going to be great for next fall. I usually knit a shawl every summer and I'm thinking already about which one that might be and giving myself lots of time to plan it.
Holly 20:13
So that's that's where I'm at today. I know this is a bit rambly-- I'm kind of out of practice--but anyway I just wanted to pop in and say hello and share my good news about the slow crawl to the finish line on the Christmas sweater. I’m wishing you a happy end of February, and start of March, and I hope that wherever you are, you are safe and well and that you have beautiful materials to work with and that are inspiring you to make something that is going to bring you a lot of joy.
Holly 20:45
Take care, bye!
Music Outro [instrumental upbeat music with trills and bells]
21:50