In this episode, I talk about spring, hope, and about knitting neon-green socks, even as I deal with the hard parts of marking the year anniversary of social distancing.
Music credit: Ketsa, "Day Trips"
In this episode, I talk about spring, hope, and about knitting neon-green socks, even as I deal with the hard parts of marking the year anniversary of social distancing.
Music credit: Ketsa, "Day Trips"
[instrumental intro music, upbeat with trills and bells
Music Credit: Ketsa, “Day Trips”]
Holly 00:30
Hello! I hope you’re well! It’s Sunday morning. My mind and my body feel like it's pretty early in the morning but the clock is telling me that it's an hour later. Today is Daylight Savings and I'm thinking about spring. I’m thinking about what that might mean for projects and making and, to be honest, more generally what that means for the anxiety that I'm feeling as it starts to look like maybe this covid-19 quarantine period could come to an end. I thought I’d talk about that.
Holly 01:28
So welcome everyone. Thank you for joining me. My name is Holly. I’m almost at the year anniversary of this podcast, which is kind of crazy. That’s a good reminder that a lot of time has passed as I’ve been staying still. It has been a year of growth for me and my family; some of those are, you know, having to do with what we've all experienced this year and then others are of aspects of this year that have been more about our unique experiences of, at one point, living with and loving somebody who struggles with addiction. And through it all I've been knitting and so I wanted to thank you for being here.
Holly 02:12
It is kind of weird that it's been a year that I’ve been podcasting but this community here really means a lot to me and it's really helped me to share so thank you. And then of course I'll just remind you that I am only speaking from my own personal experience of strength and hope as I do my own journey of recovery this year. Like I said for me that recovery work involves a 12-step program and my 12-step program is Al-Anon but I of course I am so excited and welcome you if you have a different experience or if you're just interested in thinking about the intersection between knitting and the deeper work healing from any kind of trauma, including addiction. So as a reminder: please just take what you like and leave the rest. I am not speaking from any kind of official point of view and I'm trying really hard just to, you know, to share my own story.
Holly 03:17
My story right now is (woof) I had a tough week. I have been feeling so strong and healthy and happy; as I said before, I felt like I was making a lot of insights in my recovery work and making a lot of insights about my knitting. I was proud of my sweater and so proud of my socks; both of those items are really wearable. I mean, I’m not wearing the Christmas sweater (laughter) but I feel like it will be wearable and I have been wearing my weird Prada-inspired intarsia socks and that's pretty great.
Holly 03:55
I've been wearing a lot of my handmades; I think I've reached a tipping point in my closet where most of the stuff in there is me-made. You know I can remember people talking about having a me-made wardrobe and it just seemed impossible to me and so out of reach that I would have an entire wardrobe of things that I made that I'd want to wear. I also remember that point in sewing when I would wear the things I made but like they weren't necessarily perfect; they were ill-fitting and a little bit uncomfortable. But I feel like I've hit my stride, recognizing that I have a lot of mostly me-made items in my closet that I will happily wear when I step outside of the house again and a lot of them I'm wearing even now inside the house. And so that's really one of those nice and weird reminders that there's been a passage of time. And it’s a nice reminder that there's a lot of improvement, even when I haven't been actively paying attention to that and so I am now able to have a pretty much predominantly handmade wardrobe and that's kind of just wild to me.
Holly 05:15
Why I mentioned this is that having one in and of itself is not the point. I mean it's interesting. And I think when I first started sewing I thought of it in a goal-oriented way; like the people who were able to do that just seemed to me like they had so much time and skill and I just didn't think I could be in that category. And now, I'm sort of like, what's the point? I mean whether you buy your clothes or you make your clothes--what's the difference as long as you are finding some way to express yourself happily. And for me that shift has been really profound; sewing allows me to do that and shopping doesn't. I am able to make things in prints that I really love and the quality--of the material not the sewing (laughter)-- of the material is a little nicer than what I can normally afford. What I should say is that of course I could afford to buy nicer clothes, but for whatever reason the way that I approach money means that I feel more comfortable buying fabric than I do buying clothing and over time I am starting to just make patterns that I really know fit me well and fit my lifestyle. (Laughter) Lifestyle is a weird word.
Holly 06:45
Anyway I wear them. That is what I'm trying to say and they make me happy and that's the point. Wearing the clothes that I made and wearing the knitted objects that I make--it makes me happy and I like making them and so all of that has been a really profound learning curve. I'm trying really hard to focus on what I want to make, not what, you know, everybody's making in social media and using the resources that I have (even patterns) because I have a lot of fabric that I like buying clearly and so it's nice to use that up and feel like I can, you know, make myself a little symbol of who I am, what I like, and take care of myself ( which I don't always do).
Holly 07:30
As I said earlier, I've been having a really weird week. I've been feeling really positive about my making and my recovery work. I was feeling so good and then I remember why I'm in this program, because I had a week that was super challenging. I was talking about it in a meeting this week. Sometimes it just feels like alcoholism is like the Kool-Aid guy bursting through the wall at any given moment and bringing a whole host of chaotic problems along with it. And that's what happened to me this week.
Holly 08:09
I had a really important work meeting I had to prepare for and I was also really worried that my ex-husband, who I care about and am in dialogue with because of our kids-- was having a really bad week in terms of his addiction. And those two things just really brought up a lot of really traumatic memories of what it was like to live with him and try and navigate work at the same time as trying to navigate his addiction. And not in healthy ways. That onus is on me: I really was feeling the after effects of that stress in my body as I tried really hard to overachieve at work at the same time as trying to micromanage addiction. And I was not doing really either of those very well and even when I did do the work stuff well it just left me completely drained and to be honest really depressed.
Holly 09:10
I was noticing that this week. I was able to pull off what I had accomplished or wanted to accomplish at work but the after-effects of it was just terrible. I was unable to be present for my kids and they really picked up on it and I think that kind of triggered them to have some traumatic memories of when I used to--and this is hard for me to say-- but when I used to emotionally withdraw from them and from my life. I wanted to just lock myself in the room and just knit knit knit. It made me realize how I used to do that-- just go up stairs, close the door, and mindlessly work on projects from my bed feeling really depressed.
Holly 09:57
And that's not how I knit now. I usually have my kids near me and I’m able to talk with them while also knitting. Knitting keeps me sane during Covid school time--my kids are still doing school from home and I’m still working from home and that means there's a lot of chaos in my house but it's like a happy chaos. Well it’s not a happy chaos but like a non-addictive driven chaos and knitting in those moments allows me to stay present and engage with them but also to do something for myself to help handle my emotional well-being. But this week it was like old times; I withdrew from my community, from my friends and my family. I didn't want to take any phone calls; I didn't want to talk to my kids; I didn't want to go to meetings; I didn't want to do anything. I just needed to check out and that was super unhealthy and it was a good reminder to me that you know I'm in this journey for a reason. Some things take time and they are going to interrupt what I would think of as you know my progress in recovery.
Holly 11:18
I kept seeing online and-- you know, you hear what you need to hear in the moment you need it--I kept hearing that your recovery is not a linear process. Being well isn't something that is achieved via a kind of checklist; that there are multiple times where you have got to go back and do step one even if you're in the midst of step four, which is where I'm at. And I really felt like that this week. Like I had to have a step one moment: my life used to be really unmanageable and this week it was unmanageable again and it was unmanageable because addiction is unmanageable and there's nothing I can do about it. It is really hard watching someone you love suffer with this disease; and it’s really hard for me to watch my kids watch their dad struggle. And it's also really hard to work; I mean, it's been hard to work from home, but it's also really hard to, you know, have the mental stamina to perform at a really high level (laughter at least I hope it's a high-level) when my heart is broken. I am learning to be okay with the fact that I can't do both well. it was insane of me to try for so many years. Of course the effects of the disease is going to show up in my work and it's hard to recognize that. It’s also really pushing me to think about myself self-worth and my identity. You know all of that stuff.
Holly 12:50
So it's been a really tough week. I am grateful that I'm here and I'm trying to give myself a lot of leeway. I'm working on a simple pair of socks and I'm participating in the great green knit along. I’m just excited to be knitting these socks. They are neon green and I have brown yarn for the toes and heels. I'm playing a bit of yarn chicken but that seems apropos because the great green knit along is about knitting something for spring and it's also about hope. There are some political aspects (i thinkt) to the knit along as we round the bend on the one-year anniversary of Breonna Taylor's death in the States. It's also the one-year anniversary of Covid quarantine in the US (for most of us) and people are sharing about that. For me, it's also the one year anniversary of my separation process starting, which is really hard to believe, and then also (long paus) I feel it in my bones. And then there's just really terrible stuff in London this week as well. Again the news is just hard even as there's this hope.
Holly 14:22
So I am trying really hard to focus on the positive and so for me these bright green socks are really positive even as I know in the middle of this week is St. Patrick's Day, which for my family has always been one of those horrible minor holidays that involves massive amounts of drinking. I guess I'm trying to counteract that by knitting something incredibly bright and cheery that will remind me that there is a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks both in terms of spring.
Holly 15:10
I'm still knitting a lace cardigan but it’s a super easy repeat. Knitting markers are your friends (or at least they’re my friend!). I forgot how much I love to knit lace patterns. I'm also cutting out a vintage pattern that I bought for myself off of Ebay earlier this year. It’s this frilly blouse that sort of looks like an 80s nightgown. It reminds me of Diana (laughter)… well Diana’s maternity wear. I'm making it in an eyelet fabric that I had. I repurposed some old curtains so it definitely has a nightgown vibe but it's really making me happy and that's what matters, right?
Holly 16:00
So anyway I'm going to wrap it up.I'm so happy to be talking with you. I hope you're well. I hope that you're feeling hope. I hope that if you are living with active alcoholism that you have a good plan in place for this week. I know this is going to be a tough one for us, all of us who love someone who struggles with addiction. I’m really hoping that this spring forward moment gives us all a little bit of extra light to enjoy at the end of the day. I hope that you are well and that you have some easy projects and some beautiful materials to work with.
Holly 16:30
Take care and I'll talk to you soon! Bye!
Music Outro [instrumental upbeat music with trills and bells]