In this episode, I talk about how I treated myself to a class on knitting vintage sweaters and all that it brought up, including all kinds of inspiration (reminding me of my love for Elsa Schiaparelli's Cravat sweater) and a reminder that it's okay to treat myself.
Music credit, Ketsa "Day Trips"
Knitting patterns referenced: Yuccaknits, "naname" and "emma" socks and Please don't eat the daisies "Hitofude" sweater
In this episode, I talk about how I treated myself to a class on knitting vintage sweaters and all that it brought up, including all kinds of inspiration (reminding me of my love for Elsa Schiaparelli's Cravat sweater) and a reminder that it's okay to treat myself.
Music credit, Ketsa "Day Trips"
Knitting patterns referenced: Yuccaknits, "naname" and "emma" socks and Please don't eat the daisies "Hitofude" sweater
[instrumental intro music, upbeat with trills and bells
Music Credit: Ketsa, “Day Trips”]
Holly 00:30
Good morning! Hello! How are you? It's so good to be talking with you. It's Sunday morning and it's rainy and gray and kind of yucky and I probably have to get moving on my day but I wanted to jump on here and say a quick hello and talk with you a little bit about making decisions. So I am currently mid-project and I was so excited about this project and... it's not going well (laughter). It's been forcing me to really think through, you know, what the next right thing to do is and... that is of course an important part of 12-step program. So I wanted to come on here and talk a little bit about this. So welcome. I am so happy you're here.
Holly 01:32
I'm Holly and I've been doing this podcast for about a year now and I'm so so grateful for this community and for anyone who is spending a bit of time to listen to me ramble about recovery and crafting. It is so helpful to me to share here so thank you. As a quick reminder, one of the principles of 12-step programs, and specifically the one I participate in which is Al-Anon, is that you take what you like and you leave the rest. I very much encourage you to do that with this podcast. I'm only speaking here about my own personal story and my own personal experience and, you know, your mileage may vary. This is just my experience and I hope that you find something useful here, whether you're just here for the knitting or if you're like me, someone who loves another person who struggles from an addiction and someone who uses knitting and crafting to kind of help stay...serene. I was going to say stay sane but I don’t want to be disrespectful. Anyway, welcome and thank you.
Holly 02:50
My problem today is that, you know, I was very very excited about these two projects and they are not going the way I thought they would and that has me thinking about expectations. One is sewing and the other is knitting and I'll start with sewing. I had ordered this packet of vintage patterns and I found one that looked kind of similar to new styles. It had this 80s vibe. Kind of flouncy. I think it's all that influence the crown and Princess Diana and early 80s fashion. So this has that vibe, you know poofy sleeves and flounch gathers and just very sweet. And I had some fabric in my stash that I got pretty affordably that I've had it now for about a year or so, so I thought why not work it up. I found this other fabric with a retro print in Cotton and Steel quilting cotton-- I probably should have known this would not go well--but it was such a cute pattern and it was affordable for yardage from a really quality company. Anyway, I figured why not?
Holly 04:18
And I did everything right! I toiled the pattern. Of course I made a few silly mistakes but I took my time. I stopped when I got tired. And I sewed slowly. And now I am at that point where you can try it on and I’m like...meh. womp womp. This was not worth the effort. That is what I thought to myself. And I don't know what I was expecting but it wasn't this and I wanted to talk about that today. I even texted a friend looking for reassurance that this is part of the process. It’s normal to get to a point where you absolutely hate the thing you made that you spent all this time on and you just put it away and want to forget about it. That’s where I am on the sewing project.
Holly 05:32
The second project that I'm working on is a pair of socks and I love the yarn and I love the pattern; but I'm not sure I am loving the connection between the two. And again I thought I did everything right. I really thought about the pattern, which is a cable pattern. The yarn is a 3-ply yarn, which is what you want for a cable pattern. The odd number of plies make the cable pop. So if you want something to kind of stick out, you want that odd number of plies. And so this has that; it's a sock yarn and it's a really nice sock yarn. It's a nice color and I just thought oh it'll be great. But the problem that I'm having is that it's a little bit thicker; it's a fingering weight but it's kind of more towards the sport side. So it’s looking super chunky. I'm not quite sure that was what I was envisioning when I cast on. And that, again, (laughter) seems maybe like it might be related to the work I need to do in recovery. So much of my depression comes from this disjuncture about what I expected would happen and what in reality is happening and that's hard. Right, in my head (laughter), everything's going to look amazing or I'm going to work really hard and there's going to be a really wonderful payoff but even when things go well it doesn't quite live up to what I was expecting. And of course when it goes wrong, it's certainly not living up to my expectations. So I’m going to take some time off from both projects and I'm trying to regroup.
Holly 07:27
Now,I have some strategies and this comes from crafting. Like I'm going to apply crafting lessons to recovery; I think I going to reverse engineer this. I’m going to take the things I've learned from knitting and bring it to Al-Anon, which is my own personal program. I'm not saying you should do this but I'm doing thi. So one of the things I've learned is that sometimes you’ve got to keep going and sometimes you've got to stop. Right, and like that is so simple. (laughter) You gotta know when to hold'em, you gotta know when to fold them (laughter) but it’s true. And the devil's in the details, right? That's the real trick: how do you know when to quit and how do you know when to forge on? Or to put it much more poignant, and really painstaking for me, was the decision: should I stay with my partner or should I go? How much is too much? And that was such a massive issue for me. That was like many years in the making and one of the things that helped me both in the small-scale with my projects and also with this big life decision is that you'll know when you know when it's clear and until then you just keep trying to do the next right step. Do the next right thing. And the next right thing, until it’s clear.
Holly 08:56
And that's really what I'm going to practice today with my weird sewing projects and with my knitting. I'm not yet sure that the yarn and the pattern is off; the cable is popping. There might just be a problem of my expectations. It might just be a problem of perspective, like right now I want it to look one way and it's actually looking wonderfully in its own way and I just can't get over that disconnect. And so with time, you know, I should keep plugging away on the project, as long as the knitting is continuing to give me joy, which I mean I love cable patterns so who cares that I might not love these. Right now I think the process is worthwhile and I should keep going with it and maybe with time, after I set them aside, I’ll find that these are actually really lovely in their own iteration and whatever I thought I wanted was not what I wanted and in actuality it is this. This version, in real life, is enough.
Holly 10:04
But it might be that some decisions need to be made, which brings me to my weird Diana sewing project and there are some decisions that need to be made. And they’re not the decisions I anticipated. So I thought that I would want the floaty fabric to be a super-long maxi dress. With sewing, I feel like there are two options for me: cut it really short and make it into a top or add a giant ruffle and make it into a dress. Right now it's like tunic length, so it's like either go short or go long. So I think that's the answer. I thought that I’d want the floaty fabric to be the one that was long, but I think that's wrong. I think I want to cut that one really short and make it into a kind of cute top that is sort of wearable on Saturdays. It is not necessarily for work or anything like that but of course every day is now a Saturday for work right now since I’m always working from home still so why not? I think I might be Zoom appropriate and I think that's my plan for that is to cut it.
Holly 11:08
And then for the other one, the cotton one, well I did not think going long was the way to go but I think the color and everything just might work. I think it might be old-fashioned enough in the fabric that it'll kind of work, since it means I’m going to double down on the 80s style with the pattern and fabric choice. So I think I'm going to add the ruffle to that version. So that’s where I am right now. I'm going to add the ruffle to quilting cotton one and hack the floaty dress into a top and then finish them up so that they're totally wearable and then stick them in my closet and not look at them for a while and decide later if these are wearable or not when I have clarity of perspective.
Holly 11:47
And so for me, that's kind of where I'm at right now; I’m at this crossroads right now. On one project the task is to keep going and stay stay on course; and the other one it is to make some decisions and live with those decisions. At the end of the day this project might be a total bust. If so, I will not have lost not very much. I’ll have gained some some confidence in my ability to make decisions. So that's where I'm at right now.
Holly 12:18
One of the things I am finding really helpful is that if I just do the next right thing, I get further in the projects, especially if there are certain points where I do need to forge ahead. This helps me to do the tricky thing, like, say, turn the heel in a pair of socks, so that the project doesn't languish as an unfinished object. There are other times when I just need to set that project aside and give it some breathing room, such as with buttonholes. You do not want to push ahead on buttonholes, for example. But again that's really about trusting my instincts. I certainly do that in terms of the other practice of crafting and I'm learning how to do that in my life. It’s good to practice this so that it’s easier when I need to make a decision in my life, whether it's financial or whether it's about my kids schooling or whether it's about my emotional needs or whether it's really big life-changing decision like the ones I've made in the past year about how I'm going to protect myself from this really baffling, cunning, and progressive disease of alcoholism. They were hard decisions and I'm learning to live with the consequences.
Holly 13:28
So I think I'll stop there. Maybe I'll pick this topic up again later because I think this has a lot to do with where I'm at in step four, making inventories, and kind of going through my staff and finally just cutting into some fabric that I, for whatever reason, find too precious to use. But they're bigger topics and I've rambled long enough.
Holly 13:54
I just want to thank you again for being here. I want to wish you the happiest of Sundays and to encourage you to trust your instincts, whether it's to forge ahead or whether it’s to cut, frog, or unravel. Because, again, really that's just the work of crafting and the work of life, so wherever you are, I hope you have some beautiful materials to work with. I hope your projects are bringing you a lot of joy, whether they're in the puzzle stage or whether they're in the zen zone out and enjoy it stage.
Holly 14:33
Take care and I will talk to you soon! Bye!
Music Outro [instrumental upbeat music with trills and bells; Music credit Ketsa “Day Trips”]
[instrumental intro music, upbeat with trills and bells
Music Credit: Ketsa, “Day Trips”]
Good morning! How are you? I’m so happy to be here. It’s really early on a Sunday and I've got to get moving. There’s a lot going on today with my kids and I wanted to pop in and say hi and to share some enthusiasm that I have based on a class I took yesterday.
Holly 00:54
So I have been working really hard to be kinder to myself and one of those things is allowing myself a few treats here and there. I feel like I don't often spend... easily on myself. I spend on myself but it's always accompanied by a lot of internal thoughts that are, you know, like I shouldn’t be doing this or, especially this year, do I really have this in my budget? That seems frivolous.” And I'm trying really hard to connect that pattern of thinking to the work I'm doing in recovery, which is for me an Al-anon program and so today what I wanted to talk about today was the class I took yesterday on... knitting vintage sweaters (laughter) and it made me so happy! And I'm so inspired and I wanted to come and chat a little bit about that. I guess the theme is going to be what it means to be indulging in thinking about the past. I don’t know, is that a little too pat? Maybe. But let’s try!
Holly 03:46
Anyway I'm Holly and I’m very grateful that you spend a little bit of time listening to me ramble about knitting and making and recovery and for me recovery is a 12-step program of Al-Anon. y partner is someone who struggles with alcohol addiction and it's been really hard for me and my family. And I found my way into Al-Anon rooms about 3 years ago and I found it really helpful as I try and navigate the family disease of alcoholism. So what I want to start off by saying is again thank you so much. So much of what I've learned about recovery has to do with creating community and telling your story and sharing your serenity, wisdom, and hope (laughter) if you have any! And I just wanted to thank you. I’m just so humble and grateful that you all spend a bit of time with me. I also want to encourage you to take very much what you like and to leave the rest behind... whether it's bad knitting advice or if aspects of my story that just don't really relate to you about my story of recovery. I’m not speaking in any official way but I am somebody who likes to connect the work be of self and spirit to the practices of making. Thank you so much for joining me here.
Holly 04:48
So I think this is going to be a really short one. I don’t have much to say about my knittin. I’m working on these two projects that are making me very happy but are slow going. They’re both using stash yarn, which you know is making me really happy. One is a pair of socks. I continue to be obsessed with making socks and I also continue to be obsessed with making really challenging socks, which kind of defeats the purpose of socks. Usually I have like a pair of socks on the go as a kind of easy palate cleanser, just a very simple pair of socks. But lately (laughter) my sock patterns are really challenging. I had that crazy intarsia knitted pair of socks that just took forever, which I love--they’re great-- and then I balanced that out with a quick pattern and now I'm working on these really cool cable socks. And you know last time I talked about how I wasn't quite sure if the yarn was working with it but I kind of ripped back and started it again and I think I'm going to keep going, mostly because I'm really enjoying the construction.
Holly 03:38
The construction is really unique. It's by a designer, a Japanese designer, named Yucca knits on Instagram. I just find that this designer’s sock patterns are really unique. I made one of their patterns last year; I made her naname socks, which are just knitted in a way that I have never knitted socks before you: you begin at the heel! And now I'm in this cable pattern pattern knitted from the toe up, but it's not with a German short-row heel. It's with a gusset and flap and like that is blowing my mind. I mean I guess maybe that's not a unique style of knitting socks but it is unique to me and so I'm really enjoying that. It’s really a mental workout.
Holly 06:03
So I've been making my way. I am still on sock number one and it's definitely going to be a labor of love. Hopefully I will have a cool finished project but if not, hey, at least I learned a new way to construct a sock. And then my other project is this lace cardigan that, again, it’s constructed in a really weird way. I’ve seen this pattern forever.I think it's called h i t o f u d e and it starts off as a bolero and then you bind off and pick up stitches and then it becomes a kind of swinging lace cardigan. And I've always been intrigued by it but I'm not sure if it's going to be the most flattering thing but it's really like an interesting construction. So I'm knitting it kind of for the process. I had yarn that I bought for it years ago and then it just sat in my stash because I wasn't quite sure if the end result was going to be flattering. And that kind of circles back to what I wanted to talk about today, you know that mindset of “is this going to be flattering on me?”
Holly 07:10
Of course we want to wear a handknit especially after we spend so much time on something and it really does hurt when things don't look well. I don't know for me some sometimes it really does connect to that sense of shame that like internal mechanism that just happens in my mind around my body and how I look and my appearance even as I've aged out of a lot of that. You know it's kind of surprising to me how much it can rear back up especially now as I'm separated from my husband. I'm not sure if he's going to be… I’m still very much in it with him in terms of my feelings but he's not in any way shape or form moving towards recovery and that's just really sad and it just has brought up a lot of that insecurity that I had when you know I was single.
Holly 08:08
So anyway what I'm saying is that some of this is about my body and my image and then other parts of it has to do with money as well and so here's my thinking. As I said I am really enjoying this sweater. I don't know if it's going to be flattering and I don't know if it's going to come out well but the challenge of making it is really intriguing to me. I love lace knitting and so I'm working on that and it's making me happy. And then the other thing about money is that I splurged and I let myself buy a class on knitting vintage sweaters. It's with somebody who I love...I'm sorry for the noise! My dog just came down here. So I love Sidney, squidneyknits, she is such a talented knitter. She knits a ton of vintage patterns mostly from the thirties and forties. She is somebody who likes to dress vintage and presents herself and just fully goes all in. And I noticed she was teaching a class on how to adapt and read vintage knitting patterns, how to read the pattern and update the yarn. I really wanted to do it and so I gave in and I treated myself and I’m so glad that I did. It was so inspiring! I left feeling very inspired!
Holly 09:47
One of my ideas is about a gift. My sister and I years ago went to see the Elsa Schiaparelli Shocking exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art. And my sister loves art and she loves fashion (laughter) and she loves that very famous Schiaparelli sweater which is a trompe l'oeil of a cravat. It’s a color-work sweater. I don't think it's intarsia; I think it's a stranded colorwork sweater. Anyway it's beautiful. And I know my sister loves it. I know it's classic and vintage. And I've never knit her a sweater. I mean I’ve made my sister shawls and I think she would really love this as a sweater so I kind of thought to myself maybe I’ll make it for her. My sister is very much knit worthy. And I finally feel like I'm at a skill level where I can maybe… maybe I can pull this off. I have to get her measurements and that's going to be a little bit tricky, especially you know during covid. But it’s fun to start to plan a bit.
Holly 11:07
So I can hear my family starting to move around so I think I’ll end it here. Thanks again for joining me. I hope that you are allowing yourself to find a bit of joy and to stop some of the shaming practices, whether it's got to do with money or whether it's about body image. I'm finding that one of the joys of recovery is that it’s helping me to be kinder to myself. I'm finding joy in the small things and I hope you are too. I hope you're well; I hope you're safe; and I hope that you have beautiful materials to work with.
Holly 11:35
Thanks! Bye!
Music Outro [instrumental upbeat music with trills and bells; Music credit Ketsa “Day Trips”]