{"version":"1.0.0","segments":[{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":2.55,"endTime":5.19,"body":"Welcome to questions from"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":2.55,"endTime":5.19,"body":"the closet. I'm Ben Schilaty."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":5.45,"endTime":8.0,"body":"And I'm Charlie Bird."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":5.45,"endTime":8.0,"body":"Each episode we discuss a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":8.0,"endTime":11.33,"body":"question we commonly get asked"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":8.0,"endTime":11.33,"body":"as LGBTQ+ Latter-day Saints."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":11.48,"endTime":13.67,"body":"We're not trying to answer"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":11.48,"endTime":13.67,"body":"this question or come to a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":13.67,"endTime":16.4,"body":"consensus, but simply sharing"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":13.67,"endTime":16.4,"body":"our perspectives. Today's"},{"speaker":"question is","startTime":16.4,"endTime":18.68,"body":"What if I'm afraid"},{"speaker":"question is","startTime":16.4,"endTime":18.68,"body":"to come out?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":19.1,"endTime":21.14,"body":"Ben and I are not"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":19.1,"endTime":21.14,"body":"terribly diverse and we share"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":21.14,"endTime":23.63,"body":"many opinions and life"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":21.14,"endTime":23.63,"body":"experiences. For example,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":23.78,"endTime":25.82,"body":"neither of us has ever shaved"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":23.78,"endTime":25.82,"body":"our legs."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":26.11,"endTime":28.09,"body":"However, there are some"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":26.11,"endTime":28.09,"body":"pretty big differences. For"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":28.09,"endTime":31.6,"body":"example, Charlie never shaves"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":28.09,"endTime":31.6,"body":"his face. And I do because....."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":32.38,"endTime":34.84,"body":"My, my, my face is"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":32.38,"endTime":34.84,"body":"shaved right now."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":34.92,"endTime":35.7,"body":"It is not."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":35.99,"endTime":38.93,"body":"It was shaved last"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":35.99,"endTime":38.93,"body":"week, I had to film some stuff"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":38.93,"endTime":42.89,"body":"for BYU. Here's the deal. Ben"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":38.93,"endTime":42.89,"body":"always gets on to me because"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":42.89,"endTime":45.11,"body":"he's like the Honor Code"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":42.89,"endTime":45.11,"body":"administrator, whatever,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":45.11,"endTime":48.17,"body":"whatever. And I'm not supposed"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":45.11,"endTime":48.17,"body":"to have a beard, but I look hot"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":48.17,"endTime":52.04,"body":"with a beard. And it was COVID."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":48.17,"endTime":52.04,"body":"So the testing center was closed"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":52.04,"endTime":53.3,"body":"for like the past year and a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":52.04,"endTime":53.3,"body":"half,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":53.3,"endTime":55.79,"body":"So you only have honor when"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":53.3,"endTime":55.79,"body":"you have to take a test?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":55.87,"endTime":58.48,"body":"Uh huh. Uh oh, we're"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":55.87,"endTime":58.48,"body":"gonna get flunked."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":58.0,"endTime":60.49,"body":"And I felt good about the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":58.0,"endTime":60.49,"body":"other thing like, obviously."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":62.29,"endTime":65.98,"body":"Well, you do look good with the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":62.29,"endTime":65.98,"body":"beard. Oh, yeah. I was surprised"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":65.98,"endTime":67.63,"body":"we've never shaved your legs"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":65.98,"endTime":67.63,"body":"because you seem like the kind"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":67.63,"endTime":68.44,"body":"of person who would."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":68.51,"endTime":69.32,"body":"What does that mean,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":68.51,"endTime":69.32,"body":"Ben?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":69.47,"endTime":70.7,"body":"You just don't..."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":71.45,"endTime":74.72,"body":"What does it mean Ben?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":71.45,"endTime":74.72,"body":"Just like--I seem like a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":74.72,"endTime":75.23,"body":"swimmer?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":75.56,"endTime":76.16,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":76.43,"endTime":78.47,"body":"Oh, nice. I can't"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":76.43,"endTime":78.47,"body":"believe I let you get out of"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":78.47,"endTime":79.07,"body":"that so fast."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":79.96,"endTime":84.4,"body":"No, like someone who grooms"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":79.96,"endTime":84.4,"body":"themself carefully all the time."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":84.49,"endTime":86.35,"body":"Is shaving your legs"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":84.49,"endTime":86.35,"body":"grooming carefully?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":86.38,"endTime":87.82,"body":"Yeah, definitely."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":88.09,"endTime":89.02,"body":"Well, I've never done"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":88.09,"endTime":89.02,"body":"it."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":89.08,"endTime":89.8,"body":"Well, I haven't either."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":89.83,"endTime":90.64,"body":"Why haven't you?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":91.39,"endTime":94.63,"body":"Just no need? Yeah, yeah, I"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":91.39,"endTime":94.63,"body":"did shave my chest once. That"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":94.63,"endTime":95.74,"body":"was a huge mistake."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":95.74,"endTime":96.31,"body":"Me too."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":96.31,"endTime":99.04,"body":"I did just to try it. It"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":96.31,"endTime":99.04,"body":"was awful. And like, I got like,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":99.7,"endTime":103.0,"body":"it got all itchy. It was the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":99.7,"endTime":103.0,"body":"worst. I'm never doing that ever"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":103.0,"endTime":103.24,"body":"again."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":103.39,"endTime":106.39,"body":"Yeah. And I feel like"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":103.39,"endTime":106.39,"body":"it didn't look like the chest"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":106.39,"endTime":113.05,"body":"hair like, gives a nice contour."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":106.39,"endTime":113.05,"body":"Excellent. I actually I was"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":113.05,"endTime":114.4,"body":"like, Oh, I look skinnier."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":114.46,"endTime":116.92,"body":"I actually felt the exact"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":114.46,"endTime":116.92,"body":"opposite. I felt like it gave me"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":116.95,"endTime":119.14,"body":"more definition. I was like, Oh"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":116.95,"endTime":119.14,"body":"my gosh, I've have abs now."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":119.47,"endTime":120.01,"body":"Oh, really?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":120.04,"endTime":122.86,"body":"Yeah. Well, maybe I just"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":120.04,"endTime":122.86,"body":"maybe we should try it again."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":122.86,"endTime":123.55,"body":"See how it looks."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":123.54,"endTime":126.69,"body":"Okay. Not together,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":123.54,"endTime":126.69,"body":"though. I don't want to watch"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":126.69,"endTime":131.01,"body":"you shave your chest. We need to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":126.69,"endTime":131.01,"body":"move on."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":131.01,"endTime":135.51,"body":"Let's move on. Anyway. So"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":131.01,"endTime":135.51,"body":"we would like to provide a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":135.51,"endTime":137.22,"body":"variety of voice that"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":135.51,"endTime":137.22,"body":"perspective. So today, we're"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":137.22,"endTime":138.48,"body":"joined by Taylor Jessop."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":139.02,"endTime":139.86,"body":"Hello."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":139.89,"endTime":141.99,"body":"Hi Taylor, have you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":139.89,"endTime":141.99,"body":"ever shaved your legs?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":140.06,"endTime":142.37,"body":"I hear it's really nice"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":140.06,"endTime":142.37,"body":"when you have a fresh-shaved leg"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":140.12,"endTime":151.159,"body":"It is the best."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":142.37,"endTime":144.53,"body":"and you get in bed with clean"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":142.37,"endTime":144.53,"body":"sheets."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":142.5,"endTime":144.54,"body":"I have, and I do, often,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":142.5,"endTime":144.54,"body":"yes."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":151.41,"endTime":152.22,"body":"I wouldn't know."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":152.25,"endTime":153.6,"body":"We've never tried it."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":153.63,"endTime":154.47,"body":"You ought to try it"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":153.63,"endTime":154.47,"body":"sometime."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":154.47,"endTime":156.78,"body":"Maybe we will. Not at the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":154.47,"endTime":156.78,"body":"same time."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":157.05,"endTime":158.76,"body":"So Taylor, tell us"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":157.05,"endTime":158.76,"body":"about yourself."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":159.21,"endTime":162.78,"body":"Well, I was born and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":159.21,"endTime":162.78,"body":"raised in American Samoa. I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":162.78,"endTime":166.59,"body":"lived there until I was about"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":162.78,"endTime":166.59,"body":"16. And then I moved to New"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":166.59,"endTime":169.71,"body":"York, where I went to college"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":166.59,"endTime":169.71,"body":"for about three years."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":169.77,"endTime":171.21,"body":"You started college when"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":169.77,"endTime":171.21,"body":"you were 16?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":171.24,"endTime":174.54,"body":"Yeah. So I had turned 17"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":171.24,"endTime":174.54,"body":"that year, but I was accepted at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":174.54,"endTime":175.02,"body":"16."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":175.02,"endTime":175.62,"body":"Oh my gosh,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":175.63,"endTime":176.32,"body":"Where'd you go?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":176.59,"endTime":179.89,"body":"West Point. So just the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":176.59,"endTime":179.89,"body":"just like a small school like"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":179.89,"endTime":180.79,"body":"upstate New York."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":180.82,"endTime":181.15,"body":"Cool."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":181.15,"endTime":182.38,"body":"If you're familiar with"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":181.15,"endTime":182.38,"body":"that area, but..."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":182.41,"endTime":182.95,"body":"Amazing."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":182.98,"endTime":184.75,"body":"Never heard of West Point?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":182.98,"endTime":184.75,"body":"No, I'm just kidding."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":184.78,"endTime":188.41,"body":"I don't know. Either"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":184.78,"endTime":188.41,"body":"like zero or 100. So, \"I have no"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":188.41,"endTime":190.57,"body":"idea what that is.\" Or \"Oh my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":188.41,"endTime":190.57,"body":"goodness. I know what that is.\""},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":190.57,"endTime":192.16,"body":"Yeah, it sounds very"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":190.57,"endTime":192.16,"body":"impressive. They got into West"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":192.16,"endTime":192.43,"body":"Point."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":192.58,"endTime":194.77,"body":"There's a town across"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":192.58,"endTime":194.77,"body":"the river from West Point, I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":194.77,"endTime":197.44,"body":"can't remember what it's called."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":194.77,"endTime":197.44,"body":"But I went there two Christmases"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":197.44,"endTime":198.82,"body":"in a row because it's really"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":197.44,"endTime":198.82,"body":"cute."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":199.48,"endTime":203.32,"body":"Could be Poughkeepsie."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":199.48,"endTime":203.32,"body":"If that sounds familiar. Or"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":203.41,"endTime":204.46,"body":"Rochester."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":204.52,"endTime":206.86,"body":"I just took the train"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":204.52,"endTime":206.86,"body":"up from Manhattan."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":207.1,"endTime":208.69,"body":"Okay, that's a really"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":207.1,"endTime":208.69,"body":"pretty area."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":208.69,"endTime":211.06,"body":"It's gorgeous. It's"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":208.69,"endTime":211.06,"body":"gorgeous. Okay,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":211.0,"endTime":212.41,"body":"So you spent three years at"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":211.0,"endTime":212.41,"body":"West Point..."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":212.41,"endTime":215.2,"body":"Spent three years at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":212.41,"endTime":215.2,"body":"West Point. And then I served a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":215.2,"endTime":219.79,"body":"mission in LA, and I spoke"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":215.2,"endTime":219.79,"body":"English and Persian there. I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":219.79,"endTime":224.17,"body":"just returned in September. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":219.79,"endTime":224.17,"body":"I decided to transfer over to"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":224.17,"endTime":225.43,"body":"BYU. So I'm there now."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":225.58,"endTime":227.92,"body":"Cool. Great. Well, what"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":225.58,"endTime":227.92,"body":"took you to BYU?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":228.64,"endTime":232.18,"body":"Well, that is kind of a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":228.64,"endTime":232.18,"body":"long story. I guess you guys are"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":232.18,"endTime":232.93,"body":"ready for it."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":232.96,"endTime":233.41,"body":"We're ready."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":233.41,"endTime":233.92,"body":"Bring it on."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":234.55,"endTime":238.06,"body":"So during my time at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":234.55,"endTime":238.06,"body":"West Point, I was sexually"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":238.06,"endTime":242.17,"body":"assaulted. And I went through"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":238.06,"endTime":242.17,"body":"the court process and I did all"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":242.17,"endTime":247.15,"body":"of the legal things. And I just"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":242.17,"endTime":247.15,"body":"had the strongest prompting to"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":247.15,"endTime":249.52,"body":"serve my mission. I wasn't"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":247.15,"endTime":249.52,"body":"active at all, anywhere, not"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":249.52,"endTime":254.08,"body":"even close. And the only people"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":249.52,"endTime":254.08,"body":"who were there for me at that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":254.08,"endTime":258.58,"body":"time, were the ward members"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":254.08,"endTime":258.58,"body":"there. And I'd seen them maybe a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":258.58,"endTime":263.26,"body":"handful of times. And that just"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":258.58,"endTime":263.26,"body":"touched me so deeply. And I just"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":263.26,"endTime":266.53,"body":"had a really strong desire to"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":263.26,"endTime":266.53,"body":"serve my mission. So I did that."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":266.74,"endTime":271.42,"body":"And then I didn't want to go"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":266.74,"endTime":271.42,"body":"back to West Point. And BYU is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":271.48,"endTime":274.81,"body":"literally the answer to my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":271.48,"endTime":274.81,"body":"prayers. So I'm glad I'm here."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":274.87,"endTime":275.62,"body":"I'm super grateful"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":275.75,"endTime":277.91,"body":"So you had this terribly"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":275.75,"endTime":277.91,"body":"traumatic experience and the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":277.91,"endTime":279.86,"body":"people who were there for you"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":277.91,"endTime":279.86,"body":"were these waard members that"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":279.86,"endTime":280.73,"body":"you barely even knew."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":280.97,"endTime":281.69,"body":"Absolutely."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":282.89,"endTime":284.93,"body":"I'm so sorry that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":282.89,"endTime":284.93,"body":"happened to you and thanks for"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":284.93,"endTime":288.59,"body":"sharing that really intimate"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":284.93,"endTime":288.59,"body":"detail of your life. So Taylor,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":288.59,"endTime":289.52,"body":"how do you identify?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":290.03,"endTime":292.46,"body":"So I identify as"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":290.03,"endTime":292.46,"body":"bisexual."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":293.06,"endTime":294.44,"body":"You want to tell us more"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":293.06,"endTime":294.44,"body":"about that?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":296.75,"endTime":300.92,"body":"So you know, when I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":296.75,"endTime":300.92,"body":"heard that question \"What if I'm"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":300.92,"endTime":305.12,"body":"afraid to come out?\" I think of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":300.92,"endTime":305.12,"body":"it in two different"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":305.12,"endTime":310.28,"body":"sections--there was--there is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":305.12,"endTime":310.28,"body":"\"What if I'm afraid to come out"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":310.67,"endTime":314.93,"body":"in New York?\" And \"What if I'm"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":310.67,"endTime":314.93,"body":"afraid to come out here in"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":314.93,"endTime":318.83,"body":"Provo, Utah?\" as a student at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":314.93,"endTime":318.83,"body":"Brigham Young University, and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":318.83,"endTime":323.9,"body":"those are two separate worlds."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":318.83,"endTime":323.9,"body":"In New York, it's very open."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":323.93,"endTime":325.67,"body":"It's so nice to be out"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":323.93,"endTime":325.67,"body":"in New York."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":325.07,"endTime":329.36,"body":"It's so nice. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":325.07,"endTime":329.36,"body":"everybody is so welcoming. And I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":328.6,"endTime":329.29,"body":"Confusing."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":329.36,"endTime":333.17,"body":"was so young, I was 16 years"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":329.36,"endTime":333.17,"body":"old, and I developed an"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":333.17,"endTime":336.14,"body":"attraction towards women. And I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":333.17,"endTime":336.14,"body":"was still dating men. And it was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":335.99,"endTime":342.41,"body":"Confusing and very"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":335.99,"endTime":342.41,"body":"scary, I'm an, I'm on the other"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":336.14,"endTime":340.88,"body":"all just very new. And..."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":342.41,"endTime":347.21,"body":"side of the world, away from all"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":342.41,"endTime":347.21,"body":"of my family members. And it was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":347.21,"endTime":349.61,"body":"just really easy for me to come"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":347.21,"endTime":349.61,"body":"out there because I was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":349.61,"endTime":352.43,"body":"surrounded by people who not"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":349.61,"endTime":352.43,"body":"only supportive, but I was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":352.43,"endTime":356.45,"body":"surrounded by people who were"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":352.43,"endTime":356.45,"body":"also part of the LGBTQ plus"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":356.45,"endTime":361.04,"body":"community. So that was very,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":356.45,"endTime":361.04,"body":"very easy for me, maybe all of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":361.04,"endTime":363.62,"body":"my relationships are gonna be"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":361.04,"endTime":363.62,"body":"changed. Maybe the people that I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":363.62,"endTime":365.54,"body":"love are gonna view me"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":363.62,"endTime":365.54,"body":"differently. There's all of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":365.54,"endTime":370.91,"body":"those, but my biggest fear was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":365.54,"endTime":370.91,"body":"having that label. I think,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":371.33,"endTime":376.22,"body":"being at West Point, not only as"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":371.33,"endTime":376.22,"body":"a woman, but as a woman of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":376.22,"endTime":382.16,"body":"color. That really set me apart"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":376.22,"endTime":382.16,"body":"in a couple of ways. And I faced"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":382.19,"endTime":386.6,"body":"a lot of discrimination, as most"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":382.19,"endTime":386.6,"body":"female cadets do. And I was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":386.6,"endTime":389.57,"body":"really afraid to add that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":386.6,"endTime":389.57,"body":"bisexual label because, one, I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":389.57,"endTime":392.72,"body":"was super young, I wasn't sure"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":389.57,"endTime":392.72,"body":"if I was gay--if I was bi. What"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":392.72,"endTime":395.84,"body":"in the world is going on with my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":392.72,"endTime":395.84,"body":"life? I just didn't want that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":395.84,"endTime":399.41,"body":"following me because I didn't"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":395.84,"endTime":399.41,"body":"know. I thought that was the end"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":399.41,"endTime":403.22,"body":"all be all. If I said, \"I'm bi,\""},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":399.41,"endTime":403.22,"body":"it would just like staple that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":403.22,"endTime":405.5,"body":"to my forehead, and I'd never be"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":403.22,"endTime":405.5,"body":"able to change it."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":405.6,"endTime":408.21,"body":"So there's this fear of"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":405.6,"endTime":408.21,"body":"like adding an extra layer to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":408.24,"endTime":411.66,"body":"what was already a marginalized,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":408.24,"endTime":411.66,"body":"existence existence system."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":411.66,"endTime":414.3,"body":"Right. But like, you were"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":411.66,"endTime":414.3,"body":"already feeling marginalized as"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":414.3,"endTime":416.43,"body":"being a woman of color. And"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":414.3,"endTime":416.43,"body":"you're like, if I add this, it's"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":416.43,"endTime":417.66,"body":"just going to be that much"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":416.43,"endTime":417.66,"body":"worse."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":417.9,"endTime":418.56,"body":"Absolutely."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":418.92,"endTime":419.94,"body":"Yeah. Wow."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":420.18,"endTime":424.77,"body":"And so that was just a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":420.18,"endTime":424.77,"body":"really enlightening experience"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":424.77,"endTime":428.79,"body":"for me to be able to just be"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":424.77,"endTime":428.79,"body":"open with my sexuality. I didn't"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":428.79,"endTime":432.06,"body":"really mention to too many"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":428.79,"endTime":432.06,"body":"people that I was bi, but West"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":432.06,"endTime":435.51,"body":"Point is so small, and you know,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":432.06,"endTime":435.51,"body":"who's dating who you know, who's"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":435.51,"endTime":436.32,"body":"going out with who."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":436.35,"endTime":439.32,"body":"So you were out at West"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":436.35,"endTime":439.32,"body":"Point, or you weren't?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":439.65,"endTime":440.34,"body":"I was."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":440.43,"endTime":440.7,"body":"Yeah,."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":440.7,"endTime":441.87,"body":"I was. I definitely was."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":441.9,"endTime":444.39,"body":"So but but you were"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":441.9,"endTime":444.39,"body":"scared to come out because of"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":444.39,"endTime":447.3,"body":"that like, adding another level"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":444.39,"endTime":447.3,"body":"of intersectionality?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":447.33,"endTime":450.21,"body":"Yes. Okay. Absolutely."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":447.33,"endTime":450.21,"body":"So I was out in the sense where"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":450.21,"endTime":454.5,"body":"I was definitely dating women. I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":450.21,"endTime":454.5,"body":"was dating men, but it never"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":454.5,"endTime":457.98,"body":"came out of my mouth. \"I'm"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":454.5,"endTime":457.98,"body":"bisexual.\" If somebody asked me,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":458.4,"endTime":459.87,"body":"I would kind of change the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":458.4,"endTime":459.87,"body":"subject."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":459.9,"endTime":461.04,"body":"Okay. Yeah."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":461.0,"endTime":464.78,"body":"So you could live dating"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":461.0,"endTime":464.78,"body":"men and women, you're okay with"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":464.78,"endTime":467.0,"body":"people seeing you do that. But"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":464.78,"endTime":467.0,"body":"actually saying the word was"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":467.0,"endTime":468.17,"body":"something you weren't you"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":467.0,"endTime":468.17,"body":"weren't prepared to do?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":468.17,"endTime":469.19,"body":"Giving it that tag?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":469.55,"endTime":470.21,"body":"Absolutely."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":470.3,"endTime":473.21,"body":"I guess in that case,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":470.3,"endTime":473.21,"body":"you would have to, like,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":473.24,"endTime":476.33,"body":"confront it and actually like"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":473.24,"endTime":476.33,"body":"face to face, like, see what"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":476.33,"endTime":479.36,"body":"someone thinks of you rather"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":476.33,"endTime":479.36,"body":"than just like, live your life."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":479.36,"endTime":480.86,"body":"And people can think whatever"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":479.36,"endTime":480.86,"body":"they want."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":481.46,"endTime":481.82,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":482.69,"endTime":484.91,"body":"It's interesting, because"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":482.69,"endTime":484.91,"body":"like, for the first couple"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":484.91,"endTime":487.49,"body":"years, I came out, I wouldn't"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":484.91,"endTime":487.49,"body":"have called myself gay, I would"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":487.49,"endTime":490.7,"body":"say that I was more attracted to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":487.49,"endTime":490.7,"body":"men than women. And it was"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":490.7,"endTime":493.13,"body":"easier to explain the situation"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":490.7,"endTime":493.13,"body":"than to put a label on it."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":493.0,"endTime":496.87,"body":"Yeah. Yeah, that's"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":493.0,"endTime":496.87,"body":"true. That's true. Funny, funny"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":496.87,"endTime":499.93,"body":"note about coming out in New"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":496.87,"endTime":499.93,"body":"York. When I graduated from BYU"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":499.93,"endTime":502.96,"body":"and moved to Manhattan, I met"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":499.93,"endTime":502.96,"body":"with my Bishop, and I was like,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":502.96,"endTime":505.09,"body":"I'm going to tell him I'm gay. I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":502.96,"endTime":505.09,"body":"am going to tell him that I want"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":505.09,"endTime":508.9,"body":"to be involved in the ward. And"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":505.09,"endTime":508.9,"body":"so like, I was like, \"And"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":508.9,"endTime":514.12,"body":"Bishop, I'm gay. And I am going"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":508.9,"endTime":514.12,"body":"to date guys, but I'm going to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":514.12,"endTime":518.44,"body":"come to church.\" And he's like,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":514.12,"endTime":518.44,"body":"\"Okay.\" And I was like, \"Do you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":518.44,"endTime":521.56,"body":"have any thoughts about that?\""},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":518.44,"endTime":521.56,"body":"And he was like, \"No, that's"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":521.56,"endTime":525.25,"body":"like, half the ward.\" And I was"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":521.56,"endTime":525.25,"body":"like, \"Oh!\" It was just so"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":525.25,"endTime":531.07,"body":"funny. I was like, I'm not in"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":525.25,"endTime":531.07,"body":"Provo anymore. Just I always"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":531.07,"endTime":534.7,"body":"laugh when I think about that."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":531.07,"endTime":534.7,"body":"Why was that? You're saying that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":534.7,"endTime":537.49,"body":"coming out was hard, because the"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":534.7,"endTime":537.49,"body":"label and like, the ways that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":537.49,"endTime":540.94,"body":"people's perceptions of you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":537.49,"endTime":540.94,"body":"would change, or that like, you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":540.94,"endTime":543.82,"body":"come out and that's like, all"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":540.94,"endTime":543.82,"body":"they associate you with? Like,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":543.82,"endTime":547.36,"body":"they would limit you by this"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":543.82,"endTime":547.36,"body":"word, this identifier. And tell"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":547.36,"endTime":550.18,"body":"me more about what that fear was"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":547.36,"endTime":550.18,"body":"like."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":550.42,"endTime":553.21,"body":"Both of you, gentlemen,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":550.42,"endTime":553.21,"body":"look like you work out a lot."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":553.54,"endTime":554.74,"body":"Oh, say yes, yes."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":554.74,"endTime":555.52,"body":"Thanks for noticing."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":556.36,"endTime":557.47,"body":"It's just a tight t shirt."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":558.91,"endTime":561.52,"body":"So wait till you see me"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":558.91,"endTime":561.52,"body":"with a shaved chest."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":564.6,"endTime":568.71,"body":"So what I want you to"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":564.6,"endTime":568.71,"body":"think about sled pulls, right?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":568.86,"endTime":574.29,"body":"You're pulling a huge sled with"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":568.86,"endTime":574.29,"body":"weights on it. What it was like"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":574.29,"endTime":577.92,"body":"for me to have that fear of that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":574.29,"endTime":577.92,"body":"label being stuck to me it was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":577.92,"endTime":581.67,"body":"like trying to pull that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":577.92,"endTime":581.67,"body":"weighted sled and not going"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":581.7,"endTime":585.66,"body":"anywhere. And having that not"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":581.7,"endTime":585.66,"body":"budge at all. I was afraid that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":585.66,"endTime":589.5,"body":"I wouldn't be able to move"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":585.66,"endTime":589.5,"body":"forward because of that label"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":589.53,"endTime":592.95,"body":"that I couldn't discover myself"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":589.53,"endTime":592.95,"body":"as a person because I was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":592.95,"endTime":594.45,"body":"already labeled as something."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":594.78,"endTime":598.05,"body":"Oh, gotcha. That makes"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":594.78,"endTime":598.05,"body":"sense. I remember being really"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":598.05,"endTime":603.18,"body":"scared that people's like"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":598.05,"endTime":603.18,"body":"preexisting misconceptions with"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":603.18,"endTime":608.58,"body":"the word gay would automatically"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":603.18,"endTime":608.58,"body":"be put onto me. And then people"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":608.58,"endTime":613.29,"body":"would assume things about my"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":608.58,"endTime":613.29,"body":"beliefs or my personality, or my"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":613.29,"endTime":614.07,"body":"character..."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":614.1,"endTime":615.57,"body":"Or your actions and"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":614.1,"endTime":615.57,"body":"behaviors?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":615.57,"endTime":618.66,"body":"Definitely actions and"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":615.57,"endTime":618.66,"body":"behaviors because of this word"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":619.08,"endTime":623.46,"body":"that I felt more and more was"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":619.08,"endTime":623.46,"body":"beginning to actually describe"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":623.52,"endTime":627.78,"body":"who I am and how I feel. But I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":623.52,"endTime":627.78,"body":"couldn't control what anybody"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":627.78,"endTime":631.11,"body":"else believed about the word. I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":627.78,"endTime":631.11,"body":"think that was my issue with"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":631.11,"endTime":632.4,"body":"labels for a long time."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":632.43,"endTime":634.77,"body":"It's like once you come"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":632.43,"endTime":634.77,"body":"out, it's like, you lose control"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":634.77,"endTime":635.52,"body":"of your narrative."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":635.6,"endTime":638.33,"body":"Uh huh. Is that true,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":635.6,"endTime":638.33,"body":"though? Lose Control your"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":638.33,"endTime":638.66,"body":"narrative?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":638.69,"endTime":639.98,"body":"That's the fear."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":640.109,"endTime":643.859,"body":"Yeah, that is the fear."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":640.109,"endTime":643.859,"body":"Because, for me, I felt like and"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":643.889,"endTime":646.889,"body":"honestly, that happened to me a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":643.889,"endTime":646.889,"body":"lot in a pretty dramatic way."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":646.889,"endTime":649.679,"body":"And I, I've talked with you, Ben"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":646.889,"endTime":649.679,"body":"about this a lot. Because when I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":649.679,"endTime":654.869,"body":"came out as gay, people put me"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":649.679,"endTime":654.869,"body":"on a shelf. And it was a very"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":654.869,"endTime":659.669,"body":"secular shelf. It was a very"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":654.869,"endTime":659.669,"body":"sexual shelf. And the kinds of"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":659.669,"endTime":664.019,"body":"people who were reaching out to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":659.669,"endTime":664.019,"body":"me were, I don't know, like,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":664.139,"endTime":667.799,"body":"everyone just thought I was"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":664.139,"endTime":667.799,"body":"sexually active and promiscuous"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":667.84,"endTime":668.71,"body":"Trying to hook up with you."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":668.83,"endTime":672.04,"body":"Yeah. Like everyone was"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":668.83,"endTime":672.04,"body":"trying to hook up with me. And"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":672.04,"endTime":672.34,"body":"then..."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":672.37,"endTime":673.51,"body":"Literally, everyone."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":673.51,"endTime":678.19,"body":"Everyone in the world."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":673.51,"endTime":678.19,"body":"And on the flip side of that,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":678.22,"endTime":683.05,"body":"religious people, were scared of"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":678.22,"endTime":683.05,"body":"me. And nothing about my life,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":683.05,"endTime":686.38,"body":"or my beliefs, or like my temple"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":683.05,"endTime":686.38,"body":"recommend status have changed"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":686.38,"endTime":689.59,"body":"when I came out as gay. But"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":686.38,"endTime":689.59,"body":"people's perceptions changed."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":690.49,"endTime":693.91,"body":"And it was just I was like,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":690.49,"endTime":693.91,"body":"really? And so I ended up having"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":693.91,"endTime":696.22,"body":"to, like, define, even when I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":693.91,"endTime":696.22,"body":"wrote my book, I was like, \"I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":696.22,"endTime":699.34,"body":"say, I'm gay. And this is how I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":696.22,"endTime":699.34,"body":"define the way that I say, I'm"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":699.34,"endTime":702.7,"body":"gay, just so you can be"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":699.34,"endTime":702.7,"body":"comfortable with it.\" And labels"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":702.7,"endTime":705.55,"body":"are like, they're so helpful,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":702.7,"endTime":705.55,"body":"but also they can hurt."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":705.99,"endTime":709.11,"body":"Yeah, definitely. And my"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":705.99,"endTime":709.11,"body":"big fear, when I was coming out"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":709.11,"endTime":712.32,"body":"was I want to work at the MTC, I"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":709.11,"endTime":712.32,"body":"thought they would never hire an"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":712.32,"endTime":715.53,"body":"openly gay person to work at the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":712.32,"endTime":715.53,"body":"MTC and..."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":715.56,"endTime":716.55,"body":"Legitimate fear."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":716.58,"endTime":719.22,"body":"Yeah. And I thought, I"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":716.58,"endTime":719.22,"body":"thought by doing this, I am now"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":719.25,"endTime":722.16,"body":"giving up the career I've been"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":719.25,"endTime":722.16,"body":"working for. And that was really"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":722.16,"endTime":724.17,"body":"scary, but I just, I had to do"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":722.16,"endTime":724.17,"body":"it."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":724.2,"endTime":725.49,"body":"That still makes me so"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":724.2,"endTime":725.49,"body":"sad."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":725.55,"endTime":728.19,"body":"Well get this. So a good"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":725.55,"endTime":728.19,"body":"friend of mine works at the MTC"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":728.19,"endTime":731.22,"body":"now, she's just kind of a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":728.19,"endTime":731.22,"body":"bigwig. I won't name names. And"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":731.25,"endTime":733.89,"body":"they recently had an opening for"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":731.25,"endTime":733.89,"body":"the like, what had been my dream"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":733.89,"endTime":737.19,"body":"job. And she said, \"Ben I, I was"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":733.89,"endTime":737.19,"body":"reading your book, and I saw"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":737.19,"endTime":740.22,"body":"that you wanted to work for the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":737.19,"endTime":740.22,"body":"MTC here is the job posting for"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":740.22,"endTime":741.99,"body":"your dream job. If you want to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":740.22,"endTime":741.99,"body":"apply.\" She's like, \"I know you"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":741.99,"endTime":744.36,"body":"have a great job and you"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":741.99,"endTime":744.36,"body":"probably won't apply but just"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":744.36,"endTime":745.8,"body":"you know, like you could do"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":744.36,"endTime":745.8,"body":"this.\""},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":745.83,"endTime":746.58,"body":"And you didn't do it."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":746.61,"endTime":747.18,"body":"I didn't do it."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":747.18,"endTime":747.63,"body":"How come?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":747.69,"endTime":749.07,"body":"Cuz I love my job already."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":749.1,"endTime":751.56,"body":"But okay, hold up. Can"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":749.1,"endTime":751.56,"body":"I explore this real quick,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":751.56,"endTime":756.99,"body":"Taylor? So, so you thought that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":751.56,"endTime":756.99,"body":"being gay would inhibit you from"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":756.99,"endTime":761.58,"body":"your dream job? And now because"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":756.99,"endTime":761.58,"body":"you're gay, you wrote this book,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":761.58,"endTime":763.08,"body":"and you were offered your dream"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":761.58,"endTime":763.08,"body":"job?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":763.0,"endTime":764.95,"body":"I wasn't offered it. I"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":763.0,"endTime":764.95,"body":"could have applied for it."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":764.95,"endTime":765.7,"body":"But you don't want it?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":766.0,"endTime":766.48,"body":"No."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":766.78,"endTime":767.38,"body":"Why?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":767.5,"endTime":769.33,"body":"Because I like what I'm"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":767.5,"endTime":769.33,"body":"doing now. instead."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":769.36,"endTime":769.9,"body":"How come?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":770.35,"endTime":771.73,"body":"Like why do I love my job?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":771.76,"endTime":774.46,"body":"Yeah, like, like, how"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":771.76,"endTime":774.46,"body":"did the job you have now become"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":774.46,"endTime":777.04,"body":"more of your dream job than the"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":774.46,"endTime":777.04,"body":"job you've been wanting to do"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":777.04,"endTime":777.88,"body":"since you were a child?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":777.91,"endTime":780.85,"body":"Not since a child. But"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":777.91,"endTime":780.85,"body":"like, since I learned Spanish,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":780.85,"endTime":781.27,"body":"went on a mission."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":781.27,"endTime":781.48,"body":"As a child."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":781.72,"endTime":786.97,"body":"I think because I feel like"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":781.72,"endTime":786.97,"body":"I have I have more of a positive"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":786.97,"endTime":789.67,"body":"impact doing what I do now than"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":786.97,"endTime":789.67,"body":"I would at the MTC."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":789.79,"endTime":791.86,"body":"I just think that's"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":789.79,"endTime":791.86,"body":"really cool. Yeah, the way that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":791.86,"endTime":794.68,"body":"God takes our lives where"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":791.86,"endTime":794.68,"body":"they're supposed to go, even"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":794.68,"endTime":796.69,"body":"when we like, I want this."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":796.78,"endTime":798.73,"body":"I think there are a lot of"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":796.78,"endTime":798.73,"body":"people who could do that job at"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":798.73,"endTime":801.25,"body":"the MTC and do an amazing job. I"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":798.73,"endTime":801.25,"body":"think I could do a great job."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":801.28,"endTime":803.95,"body":"And there are people who do my"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":801.28,"endTime":803.95,"body":"job too and do a great job. But"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":803.95,"endTime":806.53,"body":"I feel like there's there are"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":803.95,"endTime":806.53,"body":"things I contribute in my"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":806.53,"endTime":809.26,"body":"current position that I don't"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":806.53,"endTime":809.26,"body":"know if anyone else could do."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":810.31,"endTime":813.1,"body":"That's not because I'm special."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":810.31,"endTime":813.1,"body":"It's just because I think..."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":813.1,"endTime":814.54,"body":"I think it is because"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":813.1,"endTime":814.54,"body":"you are special."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":814.57,"endTime":816.67,"body":"I don't think it is because"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":814.57,"endTime":816.67,"body":"I was special, but because I am"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":816.7,"endTime":817.36,"body":"prepared."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":817.42,"endTime":818.53,"body":"Yeah. Okay."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":818.59,"endTime":819.34,"body":"I think there's a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":818.59,"endTime":819.34,"body":"difference."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":819.37,"endTime":819.94,"body":"I like that."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":819.97,"endTime":821.68,"body":"Between being special and"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":819.97,"endTime":821.68,"body":"being prepared. And I'm just"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":821.68,"endTime":822.1,"body":"prepared."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":822.61,"endTime":823.93,"body":"Everyone's special."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":822.61,"endTime":823.93,"body":"Ben."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":823.99,"endTime":825.04,"body":"Yes, that's true."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":825.37,"endTime":827.98,"body":"And once everyone's"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":825.37,"endTime":827.98,"body":"special, no one is."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":828.16,"endTime":830.35,"body":"That's a line from \"The"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":828.16,"endTime":830.35,"body":"Incredibles.\""},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":830.92,"endTime":833.02,"body":"Anyway, Taylor, back to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":830.92,"endTime":833.02,"body":"you."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":834.31,"endTime":837.46,"body":"So you now have taken on"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":834.31,"endTime":837.46,"body":"this label bisexual. Walk us"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":837.46,"endTime":838.27,"body":"through that process."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":838.36,"endTime":843.34,"body":"Yes. So that did not"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":838.36,"endTime":843.34,"body":"come until very, very recently,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":843.58,"endTime":846.97,"body":"as I mentioned, I served my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":843.58,"endTime":846.97,"body":"mission. And it was kind of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":846.97,"endTime":849.52,"body":"strange for some of my friends"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":846.97,"endTime":849.52,"body":"back at West Point to see me"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":849.52,"endTime":853.06,"body":"serve a mission because they"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":849.52,"endTime":853.06,"body":"know, bits and pieces about the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":853.06,"endTime":856.6,"body":"LDS church and they knew I was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":853.06,"endTime":856.6,"body":"dating women. And so as soon as"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":856.6,"endTime":859.81,"body":"I finished my mission, and the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":856.6,"endTime":859.81,"body":"first question from a lot of my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":859.81,"endTime":864.52,"body":"friends back in New York was,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":859.81,"endTime":864.52,"body":"\"So are you done with the Mormon"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":864.52,"endTime":868.36,"body":"thing? Are you what are you"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":864.52,"endTime":868.36,"body":"doing now?\" And it was just such"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":868.36,"endTime":870.04,"body":"a confusing space for me."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":870.1,"endTime":871.84,"body":"You took like a Mormon"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":870.1,"endTime":871.84,"body":"vacation."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":873.82,"endTime":875.59,"body":"Essentially, No, I'm"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":873.82,"endTime":875.59,"body":"just kidding."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":875.59,"endTime":876.82,"body":"A mission is such a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":875.59,"endTime":876.82,"body":"vacation."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":878.38,"endTime":879.94,"body":"The opposite of a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":878.38,"endTime":879.94,"body":"vaction."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":879.97,"endTime":884.29,"body":"Like, learn Persian, get"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":879.97,"endTime":884.29,"body":"sworn at on the street. So easy."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":884.5,"endTime":888.01,"body":"It was just very"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":884.5,"endTime":888.01,"body":"strange. I hadn't had any of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":888.01,"endTime":892.66,"body":"those thoughts come back up"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":888.01,"endTime":892.66,"body":"until I had come to Utah right"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":892.66,"endTime":895.72,"body":"after my mission. I wasn't able"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":892.66,"endTime":895.72,"body":"to go back home because my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":895.72,"endTime":898.42,"body":"borders are closed or they were"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":895.72,"endTime":898.42,"body":"closed due to COVID."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":898.45,"endTime":899.2,"body":"Oh my gosh."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":899.38,"endTime":900.88,"body":"So that was is a little"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":899.38,"endTime":900.88,"body":"strange."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":900.88,"endTime":901.93,"body":"So you're stuck here."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":902.05,"endTime":904.81,"body":"I am stuck here. Yeah."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":902.05,"endTime":904.81,"body":"But..."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":904.84,"endTime":906.1,"body":"Welcome we're happy to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":904.84,"endTime":906.1,"body":"have you."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":907.48,"endTime":910.84,"body":"And so, I had thought"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":907.48,"endTime":910.84,"body":"about that a lot since coming"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":910.84,"endTime":915.46,"body":"home since coming to Utah. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":910.84,"endTime":915.46,"body":"for the first time ever, I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":915.46,"endTime":919.69,"body":"decided to go back to trauma"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":915.46,"endTime":919.69,"body":"therapy, to be able to deal with"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":919.69,"endTime":924.43,"body":"the sexual assault. And I wanted"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":919.69,"endTime":924.43,"body":"to be honest with how I actually"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":924.43,"endTime":927.01,"body":"felt about the event and how"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":924.43,"endTime":927.01,"body":"much it's affected me and how"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":927.01,"endTime":928.99,"body":"much it's affected my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":927.01,"endTime":928.99,"body":"relationships."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":929.05,"endTime":930.79,"body":"Do you mind if I ask you a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":929.05,"endTime":930.79,"body":"question about that?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":930.85,"endTime":931.3,"body":"Go for it."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":931.3,"endTime":935.08,"body":"So the event had happened"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":931.3,"endTime":935.08,"body":"long, long before? What What did"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":935.08,"endTime":936.58,"body":"it take for you to be ready to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":935.08,"endTime":936.58,"body":"actually address that in"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":936.58,"endTime":937.09,"body":"therapy?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":937.51,"endTime":941.56,"body":"Honestly, it took a huge"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":937.51,"endTime":941.56,"body":"mental breakdown. That happened"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":941.56,"endTime":946.42,"body":"a couple of months since I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":941.56,"endTime":946.42,"body":"finished my mission. And it was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":946.42,"endTime":948.64,"body":"just mixed with a lot of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":946.42,"endTime":948.64,"body":"confusion, not being able to go"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":948.64,"endTime":953.23,"body":"home, in a new place, new"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":948.64,"endTime":953.23,"body":"culture, I don't really know too"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":953.23,"endTime":958.3,"body":"many people. And so all of that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":953.23,"endTime":958.3,"body":"was just mixed in a huge pot,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":958.3,"endTime":963.07,"body":"and I broke down. And I ended up"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":958.3,"endTime":963.07,"body":"seeing a doctor and being in the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":963.07,"endTime":967.63,"body":"hospital for a few days. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":963.07,"endTime":967.63,"body":"they diagnosed me with bipolar"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":967.63,"endTime":971.17,"body":"disorder. You guys are just"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":967.63,"endTime":971.17,"body":"learning so much about me on"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":971.17,"endTime":971.89,"body":"this podcast."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":971.89,"endTime":973.03,"body":"Well, thank you for being"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":971.89,"endTime":973.03,"body":"so open."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":973.84,"endTime":977.71,"body":"You know, and I'll, I'll"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":973.84,"endTime":977.71,"body":"circle back to why I want to be"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":977.71,"endTime":982.42,"body":"so open. But once I was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":977.71,"endTime":982.42,"body":"diagnosed that disorder, they"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":982.45,"endTime":988.27,"body":"linked the trigger point to 99%"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":982.45,"endTime":988.27,"body":"being the event that happened at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":988.27,"endTime":991.57,"body":"West Point. And so that's why I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":988.27,"endTime":991.57,"body":"decided to go back to trauma"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":991.57,"endTime":995.71,"body":"therapy. And so that's kind of a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":991.57,"endTime":995.71,"body":"very long answer to what it"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":995.71,"endTime":999.76,"body":"took. But I was there. And, and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":995.71,"endTime":999.76,"body":"I still am. And just being"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":999.76,"endTime":1004.35,"body":"honest and open with my thoughts"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":999.76,"endTime":1004.35,"body":"and my feelings. It made me want"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1004.35,"endTime":1009.99,"body":"to share my experience of sexual"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1004.35,"endTime":1009.99,"body":"assault with other people. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1009.99,"endTime":1013.44,"body":"so I'll mention it. Obviously,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1009.99,"endTime":1013.44,"body":"it's not a conversation starter"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1013.5,"endTime":1018.63,"body":"by any means. But if I feel the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1013.5,"endTime":1018.63,"body":"urge to I'll mention it, because"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1018.87,"endTime":1022.32,"body":"you never know what somebody"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1018.87,"endTime":1022.32,"body":"else is going through. You don't"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1022.32,"endTime":1024.9,"body":"know what they need, maybe"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1022.32,"endTime":1024.9,"body":"that's something they might need"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1024.9,"endTime":1029.34,"body":"later down the line to know that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1024.9,"endTime":1029.34,"body":"you had that experience. And so"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1029.94,"endTime":1034.11,"body":"as I was doing that, it was like"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1029.94,"endTime":1034.11,"body":"a light bulb went off in my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1034.11,"endTime":1037.95,"body":"head. And I was like, wait a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1034.11,"endTime":1037.95,"body":"minute, if I'm being so open and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1037.95,"endTime":1041.91,"body":"honest about this, why can't I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1037.95,"endTime":1041.91,"body":"be honest about everything else"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1041.91,"endTime":1044.91,"body":"in my life? i.e. my sexuality?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1045.39,"endTime":1045.99,"body":"Wow."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1046.26,"endTime":1050.67,"body":"And so it was I think"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1046.26,"endTime":1050.67,"body":"just about two weeks ago, I just"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1050.67,"endTime":1055.32,"body":"kind of got up, like, Okay, I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1050.67,"endTime":1055.32,"body":"need to talk to somebody. So I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1055.32,"endTime":1057.45,"body":"talked to some of my friends."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1055.32,"endTime":1057.45,"body":"And I ended up talking to my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1057.45,"endTime":1063.3,"body":"academic advisor. And I was so"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1057.45,"endTime":1063.3,"body":"scared. So all of the fears that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1063.3,"endTime":1068.52,"body":"both of you mentioned, having"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1063.3,"endTime":1068.52,"body":"those fears I just barely had"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1068.64,"endTime":1073.2,"body":"like that didn't set in until"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1068.64,"endTime":1073.2,"body":"literally two weeks ago. And it"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1073.2,"endTime":1075.78,"body":"was just terrifying. And I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1073.2,"endTime":1075.78,"body":"didn't know, I didn't know"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1075.78,"endTime":1079.86,"body":"anything about BYU stance on"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1075.78,"endTime":1079.86,"body":"LGBTQ, I've heard things, I've"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1079.86,"endTime":1083.31,"body":"read things. So as I said the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1079.86,"endTime":1083.31,"body":"words to my academic advisor, I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1083.31,"endTime":1086.64,"body":"was literally like, okay, pack"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1083.31,"endTime":1086.64,"body":"your bags, you're getting kicked"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1087.87,"endTime":1092.31,"body":"out--pack your bags. But she"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1087.87,"endTime":1092.31,"body":"started crying, my academic"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1092.31,"endTime":1096.36,"body":"counselor, and she told me about"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1092.31,"endTime":1096.36,"body":"her daughter, who is bisexual"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1096.36,"endTime":1100.02,"body":"and how she had a hard time at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1096.36,"endTime":1100.02,"body":"BYU. And immediately, like"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1100.05,"endTime":1102.45,"body":"connection, just like that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1100.05,"endTime":1102.45,"body":"connection, just like \"You're"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1102.45,"endTime":1104.19,"body":"going to talk to this person,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1102.45,"endTime":1104.19,"body":"you're going to talk to this"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1104.19,"endTime":1111.96,"body":"person.\" And then I finally met"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1104.19,"endTime":1111.96,"body":"Ben Schilaty. And it was exactly"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1111.96,"endTime":1114.57,"body":"what I needed. Because I am in"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1111.96,"endTime":1114.57,"body":"this space. You know, everybody"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1114.57,"endTime":1118.65,"body":"has their own journey. And I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1114.57,"endTime":1118.65,"body":"respect and I love them for"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1118.65,"endTime":1123.24,"body":"that. This is mine. I love the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1118.65,"endTime":1123.24,"body":"gospel. And I know that it's"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1123.24,"endTime":1127.92,"body":"true. And I'm at this delicate"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1123.24,"endTime":1127.92,"body":"balance that we're familiar with"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1127.92,"endTime":1130.77,"body":"just trying to be true to the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1127.92,"endTime":1130.77,"body":"covenants that we made but also"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1130.77,"endTime":1134.76,"body":"be true to the person that God"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1130.77,"endTime":1134.76,"body":"has created us to be."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1134.91,"endTime":1137.97,"body":"Yeah. To to help help us"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1134.91,"endTime":1137.97,"body":"understand. So you were you were"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1137.97,"endTime":1140.22,"body":"scared you thought you might get"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1137.97,"endTime":1140.22,"body":"kicked out of BYU for just"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1140.22,"endTime":1144.06,"body":"disclosing your bi-sexual? How"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1140.22,"endTime":1144.06,"body":"did you know who you can talk to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1144.06,"endTime":1145.47,"body":"how do you know which person to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1144.06,"endTime":1145.47,"body":"trust?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1145.86,"endTime":1151.23,"body":"The only I guess sort of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1145.86,"endTime":1151.23,"body":"BYU authority figure that I had,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1151.71,"endTime":1154.5,"body":"at the time was my academic"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1151.71,"endTime":1154.5,"body":"counselor. When I first moved"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1154.5,"endTime":1157.41,"body":"here, I was very scared. I was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1154.5,"endTime":1157.41,"body":"stressed. I just got back from"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1157.41,"endTime":1159.57,"body":"my mission. I started the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1157.41,"endTime":1159.57,"body":"semester, two weeks late and she"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1159.57,"endTime":1163.41,"body":"was there. And I don't know what"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1159.57,"endTime":1163.41,"body":"it was. It was just the way that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1163.41,"endTime":1168.24,"body":"she helped me. I just knew that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1163.41,"endTime":1168.24,"body":"I could go to her, but I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1168.51,"endTime":1171.21,"body":"won't--I have to say"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1168.51,"endTime":1171.21,"body":"this--before I even told her"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1171.24,"endTime":1174.18,"body":"that I was bisexual, I said, \"Is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1171.24,"endTime":1174.18,"body":"everything in here"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1174.21,"endTime":1178.02,"body":"confidential?\" And I made her"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1174.21,"endTime":1178.02,"body":"like repeat it to me like three"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1178.02,"endTime":1180.27,"body":"times. \"Everything in here is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1178.02,"endTime":1180.27,"body":"confidential. Taylor, don't"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1180.27,"endTime":1182.43,"body":"worry.\" And then I told her but"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1182.94,"endTime":1184.71,"body":"You do know that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1182.94,"endTime":1184.71,"body":"everything here is not"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1184.71,"endTime":1185.37,"body":"confidential?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1185.64,"endTime":1186.78,"body":"Wait. Are you serious?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1191.64,"endTime":1194.22,"body":"Okay, I have a couple"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1191.64,"endTime":1194.22,"body":"of thoughts and some questions"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1194.22,"endTime":1196.8,"body":"and it might take us to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1194.22,"endTime":1196.8,"body":"different corridors and I want"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1196.8,"endTime":1201.03,"body":"to end up back here. But just"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1196.8,"endTime":1201.03,"body":"before we we keep going, first"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1201.03,"endTime":1204.27,"body":"of all, I just want to like"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1201.03,"endTime":1204.27,"body":"commend you for your bravery. It"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1204.27,"endTime":1207.93,"body":"seems like there was a time in"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1204.27,"endTime":1207.93,"body":"your life where you would hide"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1207.93,"endTime":1212.1,"body":"from, or run away from, or"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1207.93,"endTime":1212.1,"body":"suppress your emotional"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1212.1,"endTime":1215.37,"body":"feelings, like your reactions"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1212.1,"endTime":1215.37,"body":"and like, the heavy, scary"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1215.37,"endTime":1217.11,"body":"things in your life, you just,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1215.37,"endTime":1217.11,"body":"like,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1217.17,"endTime":1218.07,"body":"I was ashamed."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1218.0,"endTime":1220.49,"body":"You just like hid them"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1218.0,"endTime":1220.49,"body":"away. But it seems like"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1220.49,"endTime":1223.19,"body":"recently, you've kind of turned"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1220.49,"endTime":1223.19,"body":"around and faced them and"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1223.19,"endTime":1225.32,"body":"stopped running from them and"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1223.19,"endTime":1225.32,"body":"been like, okay, these are"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1225.62,"endTime":1227.93,"body":"things that confuse me about"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1225.62,"endTime":1227.93,"body":"myself. These are things that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1227.93,"endTime":1230.78,"body":"confuse me about what I've"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1227.93,"endTime":1230.78,"body":"experienced, I'm going to start"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1230.78,"endTime":1234.32,"body":"sorting them out. And like"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1230.78,"endTime":1234.32,"body":"cleaning, organizing this space"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1234.32,"endTime":1237.2,"body":"and see if it's a space that I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1234.32,"endTime":1237.2,"body":"can live in and be happy and,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1237.59,"endTime":1241.73,"body":"and that's so healthy. And I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1237.59,"endTime":1241.73,"body":"just like commend your bravery"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1241.73,"endTime":1245.51,"body":"and your courage and the, like"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1241.73,"endTime":1245.51,"body":"stamina it takes to do that."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1245.51,"endTime":1246.56,"body":"That's incredible."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1246.71,"endTime":1247.34,"body":"Thank you."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1247.48,"endTime":1251.98,"body":"I want to ask how it"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1247.48,"endTime":1251.98,"body":"was going on a mission after you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1252.07,"endTime":1256.93,"body":"dated girls. Because I know very"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1252.07,"endTime":1256.93,"body":"few people who have like, openly"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1257.02,"endTime":1260.35,"body":"same sex dated and then gone on"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1257.02,"endTime":1260.35,"body":"a mission. And so I just"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1260.35,"endTime":1262.63,"body":"wondered like, what was that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1260.35,"endTime":1262.63,"body":"like for you? Did you feel"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1262.66,"endTime":1264.61,"body":"awkward about it? How was it"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1262.66,"endTime":1264.61,"body":"like going through the"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1264.61,"endTime":1269.74,"body":"missionary process? Because I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1264.61,"endTime":1269.74,"body":"think that's a question. It's a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1269.74,"endTime":1272.26,"body":"baptismal question. Yeah. If"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1269.74,"endTime":1272.26,"body":"you've been in the same sex"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1272.26,"endTime":1275.71,"body":"relationship. So could you talk"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1272.26,"endTime":1275.71,"body":"about that?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1276.76,"endTime":1279.52,"body":"It--for me, it wasn't"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1276.76,"endTime":1279.52,"body":"awkward at all. I don't know. It"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1279.52,"endTime":1280.06,"body":"was..."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1280.21,"endTime":1281.38,"body":"Just like a thing you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1280.21,"endTime":1281.38,"body":"did?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1282.13,"endTime":1285.7,"body":"To me at the time, when"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1282.13,"endTime":1285.7,"body":"I was doing it, it was a phase."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1286.48,"endTime":1290.14,"body":"It was a complete phase. So I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1286.48,"endTime":1290.14,"body":"guess it was, I was in denial in"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1290.14,"endTime":1291.25,"body":"a sense, but..."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1291.34,"endTime":1292.81,"body":"You didn't really"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1291.34,"endTime":1292.81,"body":"accept the reality."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1292.84,"endTime":1295.21,"body":"I did not accept it."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1292.84,"endTime":1295.21,"body":"Even though I was definitely"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1295.21,"endTime":1298.15,"body":"dating girls. I was definitely"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1295.21,"endTime":1298.15,"body":"going on dates with men and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1298.15,"endTime":1302.23,"body":"women. I was still it was weird."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1298.15,"endTime":1302.23,"body":"I was like in this really strong"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1302.23,"endTime":1305.92,"body":"denial stage. So when I went on"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1302.23,"endTime":1305.92,"body":"my mission, everything like"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1305.98,"endTime":1309.25,"body":"honestly, everything was fine. I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1305.98,"endTime":1309.25,"body":"didn't have any issues."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1309.28,"endTime":1312.28,"body":"That makes sense. Yeah."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1309.28,"endTime":1312.28,"body":"So maybe like some cognitive"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1312.28,"endTime":1313.12,"body":"dissonance there."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1313.42,"endTime":1316.63,"body":"Absolutely. And it was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1313.42,"endTime":1316.63,"body":"like categorizing, I was very"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1316.63,"endTime":1319.87,"body":"good at categorizing things. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1316.63,"endTime":1319.87,"body":"so it's like, hey, everything I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1319.87,"endTime":1324.46,"body":"don't want to think about. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1319.87,"endTime":1324.46,"body":"like I was really good at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1324.46,"endTime":1328.48,"body":"keeping it very nice and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1324.46,"endTime":1328.48,"body":"orderly. So I just never thought"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1328.48,"endTime":1328.9,"body":"about it."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1328.96,"endTime":1330.55,"body":"That makes sense to me."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1328.96,"endTime":1330.55,"body":"Thanks for sharing that."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1330.82,"endTime":1333.01,"body":"Taylor, if we could switch"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1330.82,"endTime":1333.01,"body":"gears a little bit. So you're"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1333.01,"endTime":1337.36,"body":"from American Samoa? How is the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1333.01,"endTime":1337.36,"body":"culture there related to LGBTQ"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1337.36,"endTime":1338.02,"body":"topics?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1338.0,"endTime":1341.69,"body":"You know, in and this is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1338.0,"endTime":1341.69,"body":"just my personal view, I think"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1341.69,"endTime":1346.82,"body":"it's very much a double"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1341.69,"endTime":1346.82,"body":"standard. In terms, for example,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1347.0,"endTime":1352.79,"body":"men are very much welcome to be"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1347.0,"endTime":1352.79,"body":"transgender to be gay. We have a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1352.79,"endTime":1354.86,"body":"whole word for it. And it's"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1354.89,"endTime":1355.52,"body":"What's the word?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1355.93,"endTime":1356.98,"body":"It's Fa'afafine"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1357.64,"endTime":1358.33,"body":"Fa'afafine"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1358.54,"endTime":1359.65,"body":"Fa'afafine"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1361.42,"endTime":1361.84,"body":"Cool."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1362.11,"endTime":1366.67,"body":"And so that is the word"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1362.11,"endTime":1366.67,"body":"it was used as slander for a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1366.67,"endTime":1369.28,"body":"really long time. So they"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1366.67,"endTime":1369.28,"body":"weren't always accepted,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1369.28,"endTime":1373.45,"body":"obviously. But now, my culture"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1369.28,"endTime":1373.45,"body":"has seemed to embrace it in my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1373.45,"endTime":1377.74,"body":"view. And so there's that whole"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1373.45,"endTime":1377.74,"body":"thing. But if a woman comes out"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1377.74,"endTime":1381.67,"body":"as bisexual or gay, she is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1377.74,"endTime":1381.67,"body":"automatically shamed. She is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1381.67,"endTime":1385.54,"body":"automatically pushed away from"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1381.67,"endTime":1385.54,"body":"everybody else. And she's looked"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1385.54,"endTime":1389.11,"body":"down upon. And so that's kind of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1385.54,"endTime":1389.11,"body":"the culture that I perceive"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1389.11,"endTime":1390.94,"body":"right now, in my home country."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1389.11,"endTime":1390.94,"body":"But..."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1391.03,"endTime":1393.37,"body":"Is there an added fear of"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1391.03,"endTime":1393.37,"body":"like you coming out? Like, like,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1393.37,"endTime":1396.19,"body":"how is my family going to--how"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1393.37,"endTime":1396.19,"body":"are people back home going to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1396.19,"endTime":1396.73,"body":"respond?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1396.92,"endTime":1399.95,"body":"Oh, absolutely."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1396.92,"endTime":1399.95,"body":"Absolutely. The Samoan culture"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1399.95,"endTime":1404.51,"body":"is very much based on honor."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1399.95,"endTime":1404.51,"body":"Right, bringing honor to your"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1404.51,"endTime":1408.62,"body":"family, respecting your elders."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1404.51,"endTime":1408.62,"body":"And so the fear of coming out as"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1408.62,"endTime":1413.12,"body":"bisexual or as gay, just brought"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1408.62,"endTime":1413.12,"body":"a lot of shame, it would bring a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1413.12,"endTime":1416.27,"body":"lot of shame on my family. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1413.12,"endTime":1416.27,"body":"so that's what I was so afraid"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1416.27,"endTime":1419.6,"body":"of. Because I, I don't know, I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1416.27,"endTime":1419.6,"body":"feel like I brought a lot of"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1419.6,"endTime":1422.6,"body":"honor when I went to West Point"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1419.6,"endTime":1422.6,"body":"and was doing things that I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1422.6,"endTime":1425.72,"body":"should have been doing. And so"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1422.6,"endTime":1425.72,"body":"this would just automatically"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1425.72,"endTime":1426.8,"body":"erase everything else."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1426.84,"endTime":1428.28,"body":"That's a huge weight to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1426.84,"endTime":1428.28,"body":"carry."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1428.82,"endTime":1429.27,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1429.66,"endTime":1431.64,"body":"And you're at a point now"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1429.66,"endTime":1431.64,"body":"where you're willing to talk"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1431.64,"endTime":1432.84,"body":"about it on a podcast?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1433.14,"endTime":1438.3,"body":"I am. And I'm glad that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1433.14,"endTime":1438.3,"body":"I got to this point. Because,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1438.48,"endTime":1442.68,"body":"you know, I realized that I'm"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1438.48,"endTime":1442.68,"body":"not going to be able to heal"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1442.68,"endTime":1446.34,"body":"from the traumatic events of my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1442.68,"endTime":1446.34,"body":"past if I'm not willing to be"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1446.34,"endTime":1449.07,"body":"honest with myself about"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1446.34,"endTime":1449.07,"body":"everything. I thought I could"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1449.07,"endTime":1452.28,"body":"still categorize it and be like,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1449.07,"endTime":1452.28,"body":"Hey, I'm going to heal from this"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1452.28,"endTime":1454.86,"body":"assault. And then that's it,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1452.28,"endTime":1454.86,"body":"then I'll be good. And then I'll"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1454.86,"endTime":1457.35,"body":"just deal with everything else"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1454.86,"endTime":1457.35,"body":"later. No, everything is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1457.35,"endTime":1460.98,"body":"connected. And that goes for"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1457.35,"endTime":1460.98,"body":"everyone, I think. And so, as"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1460.98,"endTime":1464.55,"body":"I'm open and honest about this"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1460.98,"endTime":1464.55,"body":"and sharing my experiences at"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1464.55,"endTime":1469.23,"body":"the Academy, I'm also open about"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1464.55,"endTime":1469.23,"body":"my sexuality, and I don't know"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1469.23,"endTime":1471.36,"body":"who it's going to help."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1469.23,"endTime":1471.36,"body":"Hopefully it helps somebody"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1471.36,"endTime":1473.61,"body":"hopefully, maybe it makes"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1471.36,"endTime":1473.61,"body":"somebody laugh. I don't know."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1473.9,"endTime":1476.24,"body":"Can you connect these dots"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1473.9,"endTime":1476.24,"body":"for us? What is--connect the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1476.24,"endTime":1478.94,"body":"dots between like being honest"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1476.24,"endTime":1478.94,"body":"with yourself and healing?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1479.45,"endTime":1483.35,"body":"I think it was very easy"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1479.45,"endTime":1483.35,"body":"for me to lie to myself and tell"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1483.35,"endTime":1487.46,"body":"myself, I'm fine. Everything is"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1483.35,"endTime":1487.46,"body":"good. This is what you're going"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1487.46,"endTime":1491.57,"body":"to do. Everything is going to go"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1487.46,"endTime":1491.57,"body":"boom, boom, boom, boom, A to Z,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1491.6,"endTime":1495.89,"body":"no problem. But it was when I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1491.6,"endTime":1495.89,"body":"was diagnosed with my disorder,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1496.4,"endTime":1500.21,"body":"that I realized that something"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1496.4,"endTime":1500.21,"body":"was actually wrong and I'm not"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1500.21,"endTime":1502.76,"body":"saying that there's something"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1500.21,"endTime":1502.76,"body":"actually wrong with everybody in"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1502.76,"endTime":1505.4,"body":"order to be able to be open and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1502.76,"endTime":1505.4,"body":"honest with yourself, but that's"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1505.4,"endTime":1510.08,"body":"what it took for me. And so once"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1505.4,"endTime":1510.08,"body":"I was able to face that reality,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1510.56,"endTime":1515.0,"body":"I was able to just look inside"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1510.56,"endTime":1515.0,"body":"myself and say, okay, like, how"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1515.0,"endTime":1519.08,"body":"do I actually feel? How do I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1515.0,"endTime":1519.08,"body":"feel about my sexuality? How do"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1519.08,"endTime":1524.03,"body":"I feel about being at BYU? as"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1519.08,"endTime":1524.03,"body":"identifying as bisexual? How do"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1524.03,"endTime":1528.68,"body":"I feel about my traumatic past?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1524.03,"endTime":1528.68,"body":"And so just that line of events"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1528.68,"endTime":1533.42,"body":"helped me go from lying to"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1528.68,"endTime":1533.42,"body":"myself that I was okay. to"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1533.42,"endTime":1537.41,"body":"realizing that I'm not okay. To"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1533.42,"endTime":1537.41,"body":"actually seeking help. And"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1537.41,"endTime":1538.19,"body":"speaking about it."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1538.46,"endTime":1540.86,"body":"Yeah. And that doesn't that"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1538.46,"endTime":1540.86,"body":"doesn't sound like it was an"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1540.86,"endTime":1541.91,"body":"easy process."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1541.94,"endTime":1548.03,"body":"No, no. Like I mentioned"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1541.94,"endTime":1548.03,"body":"before, it was a huge thick"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1548.03,"endTime":1553.16,"body":"blanket of denial over my whole"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1548.03,"endTime":1553.16,"body":"body. And so it took, it took a"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1553.16,"endTime":1557.09,"body":"lot to, I don't know, to help"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1553.16,"endTime":1557.09,"body":"me, Be true to myself."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1557.3,"endTime":1560.3,"body":"So let's say there's"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1557.3,"endTime":1560.3,"body":"someone who's, who's listening,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1560.3,"endTime":1563.33,"body":"who's afraid to come out because"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1560.3,"endTime":1563.33,"body":"of how they might be perceived"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1563.33,"endTime":1566.24,"body":"by their friends and loved ones,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1563.33,"endTime":1566.24,"body":"they're worried that coming out,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1566.45,"endTime":1569.75,"body":"might change how their people's"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1566.45,"endTime":1569.75,"body":"perception of them, and might"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1569.75,"endTime":1572.93,"body":"change their opportunities for"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1569.75,"endTime":1572.93,"body":"the future. What would you say"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1572.93,"endTime":1575.36,"body":"to someone who's afraid for"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1572.93,"endTime":1575.36,"body":"those reasons to come out?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1575.54,"endTime":1579.65,"body":"I would say that you"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1575.54,"endTime":1579.65,"body":"have every right to be--that"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1579.95,"endTime":1583.91,"body":"coming out is scary. It's new,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1579.95,"endTime":1583.91,"body":"it requires you to be"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1583.91,"endTime":1587.63,"body":"vulnerable. And it requires you"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1583.91,"endTime":1587.63,"body":"to be honest with yourself and"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1588.14,"endTime":1592.61,"body":"with the people around you. But"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1588.14,"endTime":1592.61,"body":"I would say to just remember,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1593.48,"endTime":1596.15,"body":"that when you do decide to come"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1593.48,"endTime":1596.15,"body":"out, it doesn't matter when--but"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1596.15,"endTime":1602.15,"body":"when you decide to come out the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1596.15,"endTime":1602.15,"body":"people who truly love and value"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1602.15,"endTime":1605.63,"body":"you are going to love you"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1602.15,"endTime":1605.63,"body":"regardless, they're going to"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1605.63,"endTime":1607.7,"body":"love you for who God created you"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1605.63,"endTime":1607.7,"body":"to be."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1607.0,"endTime":1611.05,"body":"And I think those"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1607.0,"endTime":1611.05,"body":"relationships will strengthen"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1611.08,"endTime":1614.02,"body":"and fortify and grow in ways"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1611.08,"endTime":1614.02,"body":"that you never could have"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1614.02,"endTime":1617.05,"body":"imagined. I'm thinking about the"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1614.02,"endTime":1617.05,"body":"same question, Ben, what I would"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1617.05,"endTime":1620.44,"body":"say, and I think it's really"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1617.05,"endTime":1620.44,"body":"easy to take a fear based"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1620.44,"endTime":1624.79,"body":"approach to coming out. Because"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1620.44,"endTime":1624.79,"body":"shame loves fear, like they just"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1624.79,"endTime":1629.53,"body":"live together, always. But if"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1624.79,"endTime":1629.53,"body":"you can switch that and take a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1629.53,"endTime":1633.46,"body":"faith based approach to coming"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1629.53,"endTime":1633.46,"body":"out, and rather than look at all"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1633.46,"endTime":1636.46,"body":"the ways that go wrong, think"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1633.46,"endTime":1636.46,"body":"about all the ways that you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1636.46,"endTime":1641.29,"body":"could change and heal and grow."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1636.46,"endTime":1641.29,"body":"And also, like, like, talk to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1641.29,"endTime":1645.1,"body":"God, like if you're scared to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1641.29,"endTime":1645.1,"body":"come out, tell God, \"Oh God, I'm"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1645.1,"endTime":1649.24,"body":"scared to tell someone this.\" Or"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1645.1,"endTime":1649.24,"body":"if you're worried that it's"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1649.24,"endTime":1652.42,"body":"gonna change if it's just a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1649.24,"endTime":1652.42,"body":"phase, like, ask God like, \"Hey,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1652.81,"endTime":1657.01,"body":"this is how I feel. Is this a"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1652.81,"endTime":1657.01,"body":"phase?\" I think for me,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1657.01,"endTime":1661.9,"body":"especially I felt like all of"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1657.01,"endTime":1661.9,"body":"these were off limits topics"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1661.93,"endTime":1664.42,"body":"that I couldn't pray about. I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1661.93,"endTime":1664.42,"body":"couldn't be honest about that."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1664.54,"endTime":1668.23,"body":"God was like, condemning didn't"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1664.54,"endTime":1668.23,"body":"want to hear about. But once I"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1668.23,"endTime":1672.7,"body":"kind of got over that, I could"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1668.23,"endTime":1672.7,"body":"start asking real powerful"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1672.7,"endTime":1676.9,"body":"questions and the guidance, the"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1672.7,"endTime":1676.9,"body":"light, the channel that opened"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1676.9,"endTime":1682.0,"body":"to heaven, was just overflowing."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1676.9,"endTime":1682.0,"body":"And it just the growth was"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1682.03,"endTime":1684.31,"body":"rapid. And necessary."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1684.72,"endTime":1686.88,"body":"Yeah, yeah. I talked to a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1684.72,"endTime":1686.88,"body":"lot of people who are afraid of"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1686.88,"endTime":1690.06,"body":"the uncertainty, you know, the"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1686.88,"endTime":1690.06,"body":"future is uncertain. Like if I"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1690.09,"endTime":1691.86,"body":"if I come out, like things are"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1690.09,"endTime":1691.86,"body":"uncertain, like, and they're"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1691.86,"endTime":1694.23,"body":"scared about that. And some just"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1691.86,"endTime":1694.23,"body":"ask me that. Well, well, what do"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1694.23,"endTime":1697.2,"body":"you do with this uncertainty? My"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1694.23,"endTime":1697.2,"body":"view is about uncertainty is"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1697.2,"endTime":1701.1,"body":"kind of shifted. And as I've"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1697.2,"endTime":1701.1,"body":"matured, and now I don't look at"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1701.1,"endTime":1703.74,"body":"uncertainty as like, \"Oh, no, I"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1701.1,"endTime":1703.74,"body":"don't know what bad thing is"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1703.74,"endTime":1706.74,"body":"gonna happen.\" But \"I don't know"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1703.74,"endTime":1706.74,"body":"how God is going to surprise me"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1706.74,"endTime":1707.88,"body":"with something wonderful.\""},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1707.91,"endTime":1709.56,"body":"Yeah, I don't know what"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1707.91,"endTime":1709.56,"body":"good thing might happen."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1709.56,"endTime":1711.63,"body":"Yeah. And so I look at"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1709.56,"endTime":1711.63,"body":"uncertainty. I think, you know,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1711.63,"endTime":1713.94,"body":"how is God gonna surprise me?"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1711.63,"endTime":1713.94,"body":"Like, what beautiful thing is"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1713.94,"endTime":1715.59,"body":"gonna happen that I can't even"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1713.94,"endTime":1715.59,"body":"imagine?"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1715.83,"endTime":1719.16,"body":"And I'm just gonna pull"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1715.83,"endTime":1719.16,"body":"it back to Ben, your story, you"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1719.16,"endTime":1721.08,"body":"were afraid to come out because"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1719.16,"endTime":1721.08,"body":"you didn't want to miss out on"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1721.08,"endTime":1724.29,"body":"your dream job. But now you're"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1721.08,"endTime":1724.29,"body":"actively choosing to miss out on"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1724.29,"endTime":1726.93,"body":"that dream job, because coming"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1724.29,"endTime":1726.93,"body":"out, provided you a path that"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1726.93,"endTime":1727.53,"body":"was better."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1728.22,"endTime":1728.7,"body":"Definitely."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1728.73,"endTime":1731.4,"body":"And that's really,"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1728.73,"endTime":1731.4,"body":"there's so much. There's so much"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1731.4,"endTime":1731.79,"body":"there."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1731.97,"endTime":1732.36,"body":"Yeah."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1732.54,"endTime":1733.2,"body":"I love that."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1733.38,"endTime":1735.72,"body":"Taylor, what have you"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1733.38,"endTime":1735.72,"body":"learned about God in this"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1735.72,"endTime":1736.44,"body":"process?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1737.17,"endTime":1740.74,"body":"On my mission, you know,"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1737.17,"endTime":1740.74,"body":"you, I felt like I was the"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1740.74,"endTime":1744.64,"body":"closest to God is what I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1740.74,"endTime":1744.64,"body":"thought. But when I was finally"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1744.64,"endTime":1747.28,"body":"honest, and I started praying"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1744.64,"endTime":1747.28,"body":"about those topics that I also"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1747.28,"endTime":1751.84,"body":"thought were off limits, I felt"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1747.28,"endTime":1751.84,"body":"even closer to God. And I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1751.84,"endTime":1756.28,"body":"learned that this is who he"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1751.84,"endTime":1756.28,"body":"created me to be. And I'm happy"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1756.28,"endTime":1760.96,"body":"with that. I'm not angry at him"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1756.28,"endTime":1760.96,"body":"for any of the past experiences"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1760.96,"endTime":1765.07,"body":"that I've had. They've helped"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1760.96,"endTime":1765.07,"body":"shape me and who, into who I am"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1765.07,"endTime":1770.56,"body":"today. And so I I wouldn't say I"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1765.07,"endTime":1770.56,"body":"learned anything new necessarily"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1770.56,"endTime":1777.43,"body":"about God. But my faith, in his"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1770.56,"endTime":1777.43,"body":"undeniable love for me and for"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1777.43,"endTime":1781.24,"body":"all of his children, was"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1777.43,"endTime":1781.24,"body":"fortified even more, maybe 1000"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1781.27,"endTime":1782.83,"body":"times more than it was on my"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1781.27,"endTime":1782.83,"body":"mission."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1783.31,"endTime":1785.38,"body":"That's beautiful. I love"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1783.31,"endTime":1785.38,"body":"that. Anything else you wanna"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1785.38,"endTime":1786.67,"body":"share? Taylor, that you haven't"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1785.38,"endTime":1786.67,"body":"gotten to share?"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1786.82,"endTime":1794.32,"body":"I think those are all"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1786.82,"endTime":1794.32,"body":"the secrets that I have. I think"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1794.32,"endTime":1794.8,"body":"I am done."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1795.04,"endTime":1796.93,"body":"Taylor, thank you for"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1795.04,"endTime":1796.93,"body":"sharing all of your secrets with"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1796.93,"endTime":1799.87,"body":"us today. And thank you so much"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1796.93,"endTime":1799.87,"body":"for your honesty and your"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1799.87,"endTime":1803.62,"body":"vulnerability and we hope that"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1799.87,"endTime":1803.62,"body":"as more and more people learn"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1803.62,"endTime":1806.47,"body":"about how you identify that you"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1803.62,"endTime":1806.47,"body":"will just receive so much more"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1806.47,"endTime":1807.34,"body":"love and kindness."},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1807.67,"endTime":1810.28,"body":"Thank you so much, Ben"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1807.67,"endTime":1810.28,"body":"and Charlie, this was an amazing"},{"speaker":"Taylor","startTime":1810.28,"endTime":1810.94,"body":"experience."},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1812.35,"endTime":1814.48,"body":"Thank you for joining"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1812.35,"endTime":1814.48,"body":"us today. If you have enjoyed"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1814.48,"endTime":1816.97,"body":"this or other episodes, please"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1814.48,"endTime":1816.97,"body":"consider leaving a review"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1817.0,"endTime":1819.28,"body":"following us on Instagram or"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1817.0,"endTime":1819.28,"body":"Facebook at Questions From the"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1819.28,"endTime":1822.43,"body":"Closet or sharing this podcast"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1819.28,"endTime":1822.43,"body":"with someone you love. And as"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1822.43,"endTime":1824.92,"body":"always, please remember that we"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1822.43,"endTime":1824.92,"body":"do not represent the Church of"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1824.92,"endTime":1827.05,"body":"Jesus Christ of Latter-day"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1824.92,"endTime":1827.05,"body":"Saints or Brigham Young"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1827.05,"endTime":1829.78,"body":"University. We are not trying to"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1827.05,"endTime":1829.78,"body":"be prescriptive or tell anyone"},{"speaker":"Charlie","startTime":1829.78,"endTime":1830.77,"body":"what to think or what to do."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1831.35,"endTime":1833.18,"body":"You've heard three"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1831.35,"endTime":1833.18,"body":"perspectives and there are many,"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1833.21,"endTime":1835.88,"body":"many more. We encourage you to"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1833.21,"endTime":1835.88,"body":"listen to other voices and hear"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1835.88,"endTime":1838.46,"body":"a wide variety of experiences."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1835.88,"endTime":1838.46,"body":"If you'd like to submit a"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1838.46,"endTime":1841.25,"body":"question or share a comment"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1838.46,"endTime":1841.25,"body":"about today's episode, you can"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1841.25,"endTime":1843.35,"body":"email us at"},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1841.25,"endTime":1843.35,"body":"questionsfromthecloset@gmail.com."},{"speaker":"Ben","startTime":1844.04,"endTime":1844.85,"body":"Until next time..."}]}