Episode 139: The Comparison Trap

My mentee Sarah Vessely joins me again to share how she has experienced issues with comparison, especially with being in a different life stage than her peers - she took 2 gap years while her friends have been at college.

It’s easy to fall into the comparison trap in your 20s, when some people are in college, others are getting married, some are starting a business, others are traveling the world. And throw social media in the mix so that we can watch everyone’s highlight reels - now it’s really easy to feel left out or behind.

How do you combat this? How do you get out of the trap of comparison? How do you find contentment in gratitude in the journey God has you on?

Check out this episode for some tips on getting to giving your best life!

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With gratitude, Stephanie❤️

Transcript

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Welcome And Why Comparison Hurts

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey friends, it's Stephanie here, the host of the Giving Your Best Life podcast. And I once again have uh my mentee friend Sarah Vesley on with us. Hey Sarah.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Hi.

SPEAKER_02 0:12

How are you doing today? Good. How are you? Good. Uh last time we talked about something. Well, we were really talking about this mentee-mentor relationship. And you touched on about tell us a little bit about like being delayed and going to college and kind of like where you're at right now, how old are you, where your friends are at, just so we're all kind of on the same page as it relates to that. And

Feeling Behind Before College Starts

SPEAKER_02 0:37

what we're gonna talk about today on this episode is comparison. I think something we all struggle with.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

So I'm 20 years old, and I'm going into my freshman year of college this fall, and all my friends are going into their junior year of college this fall, which even though it's like two years difference, it still seems like a lot. Because they've been doing all the things like I'm about to start doing. And so I think I felt like behind in like some sense, kind of of like when they come home for fall break and then they go back, I'm like, I'm I'm still here. Like I lonely kind of I'm like, I'm still right here. Or when they come home for Christmas and they make all their rounds to see everybody, and I'm like, I can do that whenever. So then I started to feel like this sense of like gratitude, where it's like, I can go see my gram whenever I want to. I don't have to wait for Christmas break or for fall break, I can just go do it, or even like talking to Stephanie, I can like go over to her house on like a random like Tuesday. I don't have to wait for a certain time where I'm free. So I definitely feel behind, but I think also this past year, really, I've started to turn it to more of like a gratitude lens, which Stephanie loves gratitude and she does it so well, and I think she teaches it so well to see like everything as gratitude. So I started to see it through that lens.

SPEAKER_02 1:55

Wonderful. So

Graduation Triggers The Spiral

SPEAKER_02 1:56

let's talk about going back of that year, you know, your senior year going into most of your friends are looking at college, deciding college, and you decide not to go to college, but let's dive into the comparison that I think happens. And so maybe if you remember what you were thinking about comparison in that moment, um, because I think a lot of times people make decisions based off comparison as opposed to what God is calling them to do. So let's let's go there and then I've got some other questions for you.

SPEAKER_00 2:30

Yeah, I think well, I remember like vividly, I was sitting in the chair for graduation, and the person who was talking, like the speaker, was like, everyone here is either gonna go to college, go to a trade, or go to the military. And I'm like, I'm doing none of those. I was like, I feel like I'm like left out. And so, because they were saying that, and I was like, okay, so then I started overthinking. I was like, should I just make like like a last-minute decision to go to college? Should I join a trade? Should I do something else with my life? And then I remember walking the stage, and there's you're like free from like school, you know, like I'm free, but then also like you have no idea what you're doing next. And so I think that's where it like really started was at graduation because you would like look around and people would be like, I'm going to college in like 80 days, and I'm gonna move here, and I'm going to Alabama, or I'm going to Arkansas, or I'm going to the military, and it's like I'm staying right where I am. Which I think can be like hard. It was hard for me, but also other people would be like, that's so cool. And so I think when other people started saying that, I was like, it is kind of cool. Because I think like what I was doing, since I wasn't just like sitting here doing nothing, I was writing books and I was speaking at places, and I was working with Stephanie and all this stuff, which was so amazing. But I think that's where that comparison started, and I don't think it ever really like stops. Like you're always gonna compare, no matter if it's where they are, or no matter if it's like they bought the $200 leggings and you can only afford like the $40 ones or like whatever it is, there's always gonna be something because I think we just like look for comparison all the time.

Turning Comparison Into Gratitude

SPEAKER_02 4:13

Oh, I think that's such a good point of it never stops. And you have to be cognizant of it. So tell me about like how over the last couple of years, how did you deal with comparison of like, okay, I'm still at home, my friends are at college. Like, how do you deal with it deal with that? And I know you said it never stops, but like we've got to, if we do see problems in our life or challenges or struggles, we can either stay stuck in that. So we can either stay stuck in that comparison loop or we can say, okay, this is where I'm at. Comparison, like it's from the devil, it's not in the Bible. We're not supposed to do that, we're not supposed to be envy and jealous and all of that stuff. Is so tell me, how have you worked through that? I know you talked about gratitude, but is there anything else besides gratitude? Which gratitude and probably looking at like this is where God has me. And I'm grateful for this day. I'm grateful to get to do what I get to do, write books, speak, work with Stephanie, be with my family, like those things. So I think that's important that you pointed that out is that gratitude is a mindset shift. Um, but what else? Like, how have you been able to work through comparison, or if you're still like struggling with it, what's that look like?

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Yeah, I think like working through it, just like talking to God. And my best friend told me this advice she got from her brother, and he said, You can't mess up the path God has you on when when he's the one who paved it. Because it's like God's not just gonna like leave you anywhere. So I think it kind of turned from like a comparison thing to like a this is where I am, and just kind of like being okay with that because I couldn't change it, and I didn't want to change it either because I liked writing books and I liked speaking, and so I think the biggest thing for me too is when my friends would be like, I I just got home from like a four-hour lap. I was like, ew. Like, I'm glad I'm not doing that right now. Or when they would be like so far away from home, I'm like, wait, I can go sit with my parents right now, I can go to coffee with my brother, I can go do all this stuff with my sisters, I can go to breakfast with my nana and papa. Like, I think realizing that everything's like okay where you are, it's such like a big mindset mindset. Shift. Yes, I could not say that. That's okay. And I think also, like I think sometimes you can like play like the like victim in your head, but once you like shift that and be like, hey, you're okay, you still love a home, that's a good thing. You don't have to pay for rent, it's free. They all they pay for all your groceries and all your food and all this stuff, they pay for the house, and then like they're like soaking in all the time that you have, also, is what I've been doing recently, which is kind of like bittersweet of like, oh, I won't have this in this time next year or whatever. But I think just like staying where you are, just like talking to God constantly about it really helped me like shift that mindset.

Spotting The Trap And Getting Free

SPEAKER_02 7:22

I do think too, is if you do get trapped, I think comparison is a trap. And if you do get stuck in that trap, let's think about what a trap is. So if you're bear trapping or coyote, my dad and his like friend that you know they do coyote trapping, and it keeps that coyote like right here, and it can only move in a small space. It can't go out and continue to do what God created it to do because it's trapped. And so I think I really want to ask the listener of like asking yourself is where am I comparing myself to other people, whether it's a sibling, whether it's somebody on social media, whether it's a friend, and then asking yourself is is that comparison that you're doing keeping you trapped or stuck? Um, and any advice how to get out of that? Like if you re first of all, I think the biggest problem is is recognizing it. Don't lie to yourself that no, I'm not doing this. We all do it, but then if you recognize you're comparing yourself, like what is your uh what is your thought of like how do you get out of that and move forward into what God's calling you to do?

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Yeah, I think like for me at least, I would like compare myself to them, and then they would say like they're comparing themselves to me. So, like we're such a good point, right? We both want to be like each other, like it's kind of like like the thing where it's like if you're short, you want to be tall, if you're tall, you want to be short. If you have blonde hair, you want brown, like all that stuff. Like you're never okay with what you have.

SPEAKER_02 8:51

I said that in my book, The Gratitude Challenge, in the beginning, because it's like when you're single, you want to be married. When you're married, sometimes you want to be single, you know. When you, I mean, my husband and I never had kids, but it's like, you know, you want kids, and then I have friends that have kids, and all they're doing is complaining about their kids. Like, so you're always comparing yourself, but I think that's where like that's such a good point. I love that because and you're not thinking about what your friends are thinking, you're just again trapped in your own thoughts where you're at, and they're like, No, look at Sarah, like how cool is she? And you're not thinking that way.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Yeah. I

Comparison Versus Complaining

SPEAKER_00 9:28

also think recently there's been like a big shift for me of like the difference of comparison and complaining, where it's like they seem like very different, but it's like you can compare yourself to them, or you or you can complain that you're not there yet. Or it's like I can like compare that I'm not like that they're in college and I'm here, or I can be like, I could be in my junior year right now. And I think like just like stop complaining, you know, like you like tell yourself you're like just get up and just do the like the like next right thing. Just like get up, live your life, you you're breathing, you can walk, like all this stuff. So I think so good, like the gratitude, it always goes back to gratitude where it's like someone out there in the world wants to walk today, and I can walk, and my legs and arms work, and I can do all this stuff. So I think that's always like what I go back to. But I find myself, I think, complaining more than comparing, just because like they have this big house, they have this awesome backyard, they have like six kids, you know, and like a lot of kids, and also I think sometimes too. I talked about this at one of the Bible studies, I think you were at, and it was like when people started adding the word realistic in front of everything that they do, because on TikTok you'll scroll and see like realistic day in the life, and you're like, what's a normal day in the life? You know, it's like somebody's life is messy, or it's like uh realistic what I eat in the day, and it's like you can have a donut, like no one's gonna judge you for eating a donut. Like donuts are good, like just have the donut and then move on, you know. But I think also people care so much about what other people think about them, so they don't want to show like the fun parts of their life, they wanna be like serious, and for me at least too, the people that I follow, they like pick up their Bible in their morning routine, but that could be like the only time that they ever talk to God, like you don't know like how deep that relationship goes, which goes both ways, like for like the listener too. But yeah, I just think like the biggest difference for me is comparison and complaining, like back and forth.

SPEAKER_02 11:25

That's so good because if you are complaining, you are not in a grateful place, you're looking at what you don't have versus what you do have, and it's nobody wants to be around a complainer. Like, really pay attention to. I mean, think about it. When you're around somebody that they're just constantly complaining, they are exhausting to be around. And I think that's something that if you're listening to this, I really want you to pause and go, wait, am I a complainer? Am I, if you've noticed maybe friends that are, you know, going away or not inviting you to stuff, like, and maybe it's your friends and maybe it's everything, but you know, it's like sometimes you might be the problem, and that's hard to hear because it's like, man, every time so-and-so shows up, or every time I talk to them, it's always the victim, the drama, the whatever, you know. And so I think that's a really I hadn't thought about that. Of yeah, we talked about the gratitude, but I would say the the opposite of gratitude is complaining. And what are you complaining about?

Social Media And The Highlight Reel

SPEAKER_02 12:28

Let's dive into and maybe we just wrap up here because you touched on it, is social media is such a like dumpster fire, I gotta admit, because you're right. Of people only try to put like the good stuff or what they're doing. Maybe they're shooting a video of them reading the Bible, they're not even reading the Bible, they're not listening to God, but it's like, oh, I gotta put this out here. And so I think social media has caused us to be such a uh society that comparison is now because used to we couldn't see into people's lives. And so now not only are you seeing into people's lives, but you're only seeing what they want to show you, and it's mainly good stuff, and then you're like, my life, you're like, my life's a dumpster fire, and look how great they are. Do you want to like talk on that a little bit?

SPEAKER_00 13:24

Yeah, I think it's just all around us now, like you to see everyone's perfect thing, or even like the biggest story last week was how Taylor Swift got married at like Mass and Square Garden, and it's like I don't care. Like it's like that's good for her, she's getting married, but let's go back to like normal headlines where it's like a soldier came home this week. Like, that's awesome, you know? And I think there's a movie that my mom watched. We I think on Hallmark they have their like Christmas in July right now, and there was a movie on there, and this guy was a news anchor, and this little boy goes on job shadows him, but the man only covers bad news, and the kid's like, hey, why don't you cover good news? And the man was like, Because nobody wants to listen to good news, and then by the end, he's covering the good news, yeah, and he's covering the good news, and like more people are watching than ever. Because like people want to see the good stuff, but I guess that also leads into like the the comparison, where it's like if it's so good, like they're gonna like compare themselves to you. And I just think social media is just like a once you like click on Instagram, like I know I'm gonna compare myself to at least like one person, and not even like it's like subconsciously kind of now, right? Because you're on your phone so much, you're like, I wish I looked like her, I wish I had her clothes, I wish all these things. And what I would say to the person listening, dealing with that, is like when God made everything, he said, it is good, nothing was better, nothing was worse. It's like you're as good as a giraffe is, like, yeah, like you can't like compare the two because they're both good, and they're both different too.

SPEAKER_02 14:59

God created everybody uniquely and different, and so it that it is such a trap from the devil to be comparing yourself because you're never gonna be like that person because God made He did not make us alike, He gave us different personalities and different looks, and we have different G like everything is different about us, which is I never really thought about that, but it's like, oh, it's such a trap from the devil of comparison because you're never gonna be able to live up to, which goes about what we were talking about, like you're never gonna be enough, you're never gonna be able to live up to that next person or whatever.

SPEAKER_00 15:36

And I think also like when we see somebody that has like all the stuff that we want, we set like unrealistic expectations for ourselves to try and get that. So it's like I'm gonna post 14 TikToks today, so maybe I can get like a thousand followers by tomorrow. And it's like that's so much work for you. So by the time you post the 14th one, you're burnt out and you hate social media now and you don't want to do it anymore. And so I think like you don't know like what's going on like in their lives, you just see the people at their best because it's just like a highlight reel. I know everybody always says that, but like it's true, like social media is a highlight reel because the mom isn't gonna want to post her kid having a tantrum in the store, she's gonna post them they're acting so good at the dinner table, and uh everything that that you see, they're only posting the five-second good part of it.

SPEAKER_02 16:21

It's so interesting you say that. I think about um this is just a good visual. Uh, I went to I flew to Italy a couple weeks ago, and on the flight over there, there were these two sweet girls. I mean, they were so precious at the airport, and you know, they were matched alike, and yeah, they were probably five years old, four years old, little, you know, and literally the mom is walking them around the airport, posing them. They're cute, they're smiling. Um, and and they were great on the plane, but they could have been bad on the plane. You know, they could have been screaming and crying and preoccupied, and the mom probably isn't gonna post that. She's posting the post, you know, they're doing whatever. And so um, I think too, this is advice I have, and I've really like tried to live up to that. This

Unfollow What Tempts You

SPEAKER_02 17:10

is if you find yourself comparing, comparing somebody on social media. So let's say I'm following Sarah, and every time I get on social media, I'm like locked into Sarah, what she's doing, and not trying to learn from Sarah, not trying to, you know, like get anything good from Sarah, it's I'm comparing myself to look what Sarah's got on today. Look at Sarah's life. Is I really challenge you to unfollow Sarah. And I have really done that. If I find people that I start to slip down that slope, it's like, no, that is like a temptation. And I I need to either work on myself or go, I'm not even gonna, like, that's not making me a better person. Um, and so I and that's hard to do sometimes because sometimes there's people following that we want to know what's going on in their life. And it's like, no, that that person's only leading you into sin and to nothing, nothing good, nothing to the fruits of the spirit, right?

SPEAKER_00 18:12

So I also think the other part of that too is I think some people have this mindset of if I post this, they're gonna compare themselves to me. If I go here, they're gonna want to be me. So they flip it to be like, I have all this good stuff, everyone's gonna want to be me. In reality, they're lonely. And so I think there's like two sides to that story of like if you're following them, you're comparing yourself to them, but they want that to happen. They want you to want everything that they have.

SPEAKER_02 18:40

That's such a good, yeah. So maybe you're listening and thinking about why are you posting what you're posting? Is it to help somebody? Is it to encourage somebody? Is it to inspire, lead them to Christ, to change a new habit? Or like you said, I never even thought about that. Is are you trying to get someone to be more like you, to like you, to, you know, uh that wow, that's a great perspective. And then really be thinking about why are you posting what you're posting? And I think that's this isn't to say is like you, the listener, the silly reason. We all struggle with that, or we all post something that we post it because internally we want somebody to be jealous, or we want somebody to see what we have or whatever. Um, so I think that's a good good point and something that we should probably recognize and pray and think about. Like, okay, why am I posting what is the purpose of this? I love that. Um, as we wrap up this conversation on like the trap of comparison, um, anything else you want to add or anything else that you see or you struggle with?

Discernment Over Crowd Approval

SPEAKER_00 19:50

I think something going back to like the comparison is it's in it's one of the days in my new devotional coming out soon. But I was going through who I was following on Instagram because every month I'm like, okay, let's do this like reset of like, are they actually Christian? Like, let me go through this. And I clicked on this one person, I was like, I'm gonna unfollow them. And then I saw like followed by so and so and like 40, like 40 others, and I was like, should I unfollow them or no? Because everybody else still followed them. So then I was like, I want to still follow them so I can relate to people who do follow them, but I don't want to actually follow them. So then like you go in like this own like trap, make yourself go in the spiral, whereas if I would have clicked unfollow, I would have been fine. But I clicked on a profile and I looked who was following them, and I was like, but I like all those people and they follow him. And since they're Christian, that means that they're probably Christian too, right?

SPEAKER_02 20:40

So well, and then you're like comparing yourself on a different level. Like you're comparing yourself to the people that are following them, and yeah, instead of like, no, let's just act like the Holy Spirit Lord was leading you to unfollow, like convicting you of hey, you really need to be careful about who you're following, and then the devil quips in there and going, they're fine, their content's fine. Like, look at all these people over here that fall like makes it look good, and I think that's how the devil is deceitful and a liar, you know? And it's like, be careful of that trap, also.

SPEAKER_00 21:15

Yeah, and I would also say to the listener, even though, like, let's say you're following somebody and then you look to see who's following them, just because their followers are Christian are Christian doesn't mean that they are, which I think is really important. If you're going through who like a famous Christian person is and they're following all these people, you're like, I can follow them too. And it's like, no, you you can use your own conviction like for that. And I think like these days, you're like, oh, since that Christian person did it, I can do that too. And it's like, that's not really how that works. Like, it's your own conviction and your own discernment, and like just talking to the Lord about it, because he's probably like, do not do that. He's like, Don't go follow that person, that's just gonna lead you into sin and lead you into like these thoughts and stuff. But since they're doing it, it seems okay.

SPEAKER_02 22:02

Right. No, and I think I just remember too is like also it's not your judge to go look at, well, let me see who Sarah's following, let me see who Stephanie's following. That they're following this person, and it's not a Christian, and you have no idea of when they followed that person, why they're following that person, or whatever. And it's like, stay in your own lane, like stay in your own lane, your own convictions, your discernment, and like God take. I think we often try to be like that judge and jury, also, as we're comparing people, it's like, oh, but I'm so much better because I'm not, I'm following everybody that's a Christian. And I think that's where the comparison trap can get in, also, is us thinking we are so much better than other people because we're not following somebody or we're we haven't done that or whatever. And it's like, no, the Bible says over and over, you know, like humble yourself, like focus on yourself, like God. You could pray for that person, you know, or maybe you see something that they're doing and you're like, oh, I'm kind of surprised by that. Then pray for that person or go have a conversation with them. But like, yeah, don't be the judge and jury of that person. So anything else as it relates to the trap of comparison you want to chat about?

Mean Girls And Praying For Others

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Um, I think it's just like difficult to not because everyone around you is doing it. Yeah, but I think like once you get out of that trap, you're like, why was I comparing my leggings to her leggings? You're like, that wasn't that big of a deal. And something my mom, sorry. No, go for it. My mom always said was this is about more like mean girls, but like we would come home from school and be like, this girl called me ugly today. Someone's random, and she's like, she's like, people my age are so rude. She's like, you never grow out of comparison, and you and you never grow out of mean girls. And it's like, and it's like, okay.

SPEAKER_02 23:50

It is true. And it's like, let's pray for that person, you know, let's pray for that person because they have something going on. They're comparison. That's what I found is usually when people are mean. I was just talking to this this morning with one of my coaching clients and really struggling with some people in her life, and I was like, it has nothing to do about you. There, you could tell that those people that are being mean to her are comparing their life to the life that she has, and they're miserable. These people over here are miserable, and so even though she's the one that's getting hurt, it's like, no, you're doing the right things. This is the life that you're leaving living, and their attack on you and how they are behaving. And so I said, like, we're gonna pray for those people, and then you need to move on because if not, then you get stuck in how that person's treating you, and it's like you cannot control that. Like I said, is you can pray for them, you can confront people. I mean, the Bible tells us have a conversation with your brothers and sisters in Christ, but then after that, it's like, okay, I can only do so much, and then I gotta walk away and don't be stuck in that.

Final Takeaways And How To Support

SPEAKER_02 24:57

So um, I think I'll wrap up there. We had a great conversation today about uh the trap of comparison and maybe some ways that you could work through that. And hopefully, this is just another way that you can get to giving your best life. Thank you for listening to the Giving Your Best Life podcast. If this episode encouraged you, would you please share it with a friend or family member? Also, we'd love it if you would rate and review this podcast. Finally, if you want to connect with us, subscribe to our YouTube channel or follow us on TikTok and Instagram at giving your best life. Have a fabulous day.