3 Things That NO ONE TELLS YOU About Youth Ministry Leadership

The time to grow a healthy, thriving youth ministry is NOW...let's work together to make it happen! Check out GrowYourYouthMinistry.com for more info *** Youth ministry leadership doesn't always look how you expected it to look. In this episode, we will be discussing three things nobody tells you about student ministry leadership...the kind of lessons you usually only learn the hard way.  As a youth pastor, you will quickly learn that your job will often morph into something you may not have expected, but that's not always a bad thing.  If you’re serious about growing the size and health of your youth ministry, this one will challenge you in the best way.  

📚 Book mentioned in this podcast: 📚

📕 "Accidental Pharisee" by Dr. Larry Osborne

📗 "How to Win Friends & Influence People" by Dale Carnegie

If this helped, make sure you subscribe, share it with another friend in youth ministry, and leave a review ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ to help others find this podcast!

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You may also enjoy this episode:

(#020) Increase Your Influence in Leadership w/ Emotional Intelligence

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Transcript

Three Leadership Surprises

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Today we're talking about three things that nobody tells you about youth ministry leadership.

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Welcome to the Ministry Coach Podcast, the number one podcast for helping youth pastors grow the size and health of their youth ministries. My name is Jeff Lascola, and this is Kristen Lascola.

SPEAKER_01 0:26

And today we're gonna talk about what nobody tells you about youth ministry leadership that I discovered all on my own because nobody told me. And they're not necessarily bad, just things that maybe caught me off guard a little bit.

Leadership Equals Constant Serving

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Number one, it's all serving all the time. All serving, serving, serving. Sometimes we think like we might get to a point in leadership where other people do the serving and we just do the leading, like coordinate the servings. Yes. Like I will, you do this, you do that, look at me, like coordinating or some youth pastors do that. True, but um, according to Jesus, leading and serving are actually synonymous. So like we talk about servant leadership, and our senior pastor, Chris Brown, makes it really clear. He's like, it's not like this is a type of leadership. Well, what kind of leader are you? I'm a servant leader. He's like, according to Jesus, that is leadership. Right. Serving is it. So it's not like you get a like, you know what I'm gonna do today? I'm gonna do you guys a favor and serve along with you. It's like you should be the chief get down in the dirt with you. You should be like the chief server, right? Like, and I'm not tooting my own horn. I'm just describing a typical day in the life of me as a youth pastor for 22 years. I am 24.

SPEAKER_00 1:56

Come on now. 24. Wasn't it? Who knows?

SPEAKER_01 2:01

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Here we are. Um, like cleaning up.

SPEAKER_00 2:07

I don't want to trust anyone with only 22 years, is all I'm saying. Ouch. Sorry, guy, jumpy. Right.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

The ribs.

SPEAKER_00 2:16

Wow, I can feel your ribs.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

That's okay. Point number two. I'm still a number one. Don't rush me, Jeff. Hurry.

SPEAKER_00 2:23

Okay, go ahead. Three, two, one.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

Oh my gosh, you're stressing me out. Like cleaning up trash, sweeping the floor, still do it. You know, like there's just things like I was so proud of my team. We did an event on Friday night, starving to serve where the kids fast for 27 hours. They raise money for world hunger initiatives, and it was just amazing. They raised a bunch of money all to save lives, you know, and they did all the sacrifice for it. They went without eating for a 12-year-old, eating for not eating for 27 hours is pretty tough. And they did it and they raised a lot of money. It was wonderful. And we did this big event to celebrate what we had done. And my leaders stayed to the bitter, bitter end, cleaning up pool noodles, throwing trash away, straightening chairs, breaking down volleyball nets. And I sent them a text today, like on our Discord thread. I'm like, hey, like, I am so proud to be a part of a team like this. Like, you guys serve so well. And my admin, she told me, she's like, we follow you. And I was like, Aw. And like that didn't even cross my mind. Like, let me model this right now. Watch me, monkey see, monkey do. I was just like, Well, this is my job. I have to help and clean up. But the fact that my whole team stayed there with me, I was like, you guys are amazing. And she's like, Well, we follow your lead. Like, you're staying, we're gonna stay. And she even called me, like, hey, I don't know where you are. It was at a big campus. And she's like, Are we cool to leave? Like, is everything done? And I'm like, you won so many points there. Like, by not just like, well, everything looks done to me. Bye. She's like, Well, at any other job, you don't just get to leave until everything's done. And, you know, I feel like that's the culture of my leadership team right now. Volunteers, interns, paid or not, they all are very locked into we stay to the end, we serve, we clean up. Doesn't matter how late it is, we're gonna finish the job. And I so appreciate that because that is what leadership is. You are the last one there, first to arrive, last to leave, doing the dirty work, doing the hard work. Your goal should always be to outserve everybody. And, you know, Arden, my admin girls director, she taught on the part of the gospels that talks about Jesus washing the disciples' feet. And if you've been a Christian for five minutes, you've probably heard it. It's very, it's a very famous story, and it just hit me today of like, once again, like God's word is new every single time I hear it. I love it. And God was just like reminding me of this is leadership, like not like rising to some office, some top, theoretically, somewhere at the top of the pyramid, but to continue to be the one who bends down and does the dirty work, serves others, puts others first, esteems others, and that is leadership. And I think sometimes pastors, like I said, that's why it's one of those things that nobody tells you. It's like your heart and your head will be in this tension of like, well, I'm I'm the pastor, let the other people do that. I remember years ago, there was a pastor who I knew. He doesn't work at my church, and he did this really incredible, beautiful message on the Good Samaritan. And it was so beautiful. Ironically, that same week, this lady comes by where we are. She, I don't know how she got so far away from her home. She had no transportation. She lived like in Encinitas, which is like 40 minutes away. 40 minutes from us. She had somehow gotten a mattress because she lived in this teeny tiny little place, single by herself, older lady. And she's like, I got a mattress finally, but I can't get it back to my house. And I'm like, Well, she's like, Is there anyone here who who can help me? And I'm like, Well, I don't, I don't really feel comfortable. Like, I didn't say this, but I was thinking, like, I don't know you, like just putting you in my car and your mattress and driving down the Encinitas. Like, uh, and then I saw this pastor who had just done this message on the Good Samaritan. Literally. I know, and I was so excited because I'm like, oh, he's gonna help us for sure. So I said, hey, and I explained the situation, and he just kind of like looks at me, he's like, Oh no, I can't I can't do that right now.

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Do as I say, not as I do.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

And I was kind of like, this is ironic. So what did I do? Said a prayer, put her in my car, and got this mattress to her house and then Cenita's all by myself. I was probably like 21 years old, and I just made it happen. And I did, and I'm still alive to tell the tale. Nothing bad happened to me. But it was just this moment, like, and I love the guy, he's awesome. I'm not in touch with him by any means, but it it didn't make me think like you're a hypocrite. I just kind of thought, huh, that's weird. Like there was this opportunity to do exactly what you were talking about, like for the down and out, like going out of your way for someone, like being highly inconvenienced for like someone who needs our help who has nothing to offer us. I needed your help. Like, and and there really wasn't a reason. It was just kind of like uh, and I don't, I mean, our human side, I didn't want to do it. You know what I mean? It wasn't like you are just the person I've been waiting to help today to drive 40 minutes, to drop off a mattress, turn around and come home. Like I was not excited, but it was like, this is what we do. Like we serve, we don't call the shots of like, I want to serve only if it's this or this, you know. It's like that's not what Jesus did. Like, he poured out his entire life for us. And, you know, I I really think according to Jesus, the higher you climb, the more you serve, not the less you serve, because it's very interesting. The only people that I feel like thoroughly frustrated and low-key like disgusted him were religious leaders who weren't willing that put all the burden on everybody else and weren't willing to do anything hard themselves unless it like furthered their own reputation. And there is a book, you must, must, must read it. It is by one of my favorite authors, Dr. Larry Osborne, and it's called Accidental Pharisees. And I think we've talked about it before, but it's worth mentioning again. This book is so eye-opening because you always look at the Pharisees like the villains, like dun-dun-dun, but they didn't see themselves as the villains. Like they saw themselves as the ones who were trying to preserve like the scripture and what God had asked them to do, and like being like above and beyond. And Jesus looked at them and called them some awful things, and that would have just like cut straight to them. And I love the way the chosen depicts Nicodemus because he's one that kind of got away from the crowd and was like, but I actually am very interested in what you're about, you know? And I think his heart was soft towards Jesus, but for the majority, they're just kind of like, you know, we are elevated because of our position, and everyone else is kind of like they're not as good as us. And then Jesus kind of turns that all around and was like, I'm gonna serve these people. Like a Pharisee would never do that, right? And so it's just like getting your head around what true pastoral leadership is, is all serving all the time. And how much you serve is actually, according to Jesus and the kingdom of God, the measure of greatness of your leadership. And that's sometimes hard, you know? It's hard to stay in that mode all the time. There is so much serving to be done in our ministries, but that is leadership. Yeah. Like it's just the definition

Why Youth Pastors Need EQ

SPEAKER_01 10:57

of it. Number two, what no one told you about youth ministry is how high of an EQ you need. You need a lot of EQ to do this for a long time. What is EQ? It's emotional intelligence. Now, think of the smartest pastor you know. Maybe he's a brilliant teacher, theologian, whatever. What's he like at a party? What's he like at a the Christmas event? You know, it's great to be intelligent. Love it. Love, love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, strength, mind, all of it, right? Your mind is important. But there's an element of ministry that I feel like the people who go the furthest and have the most influence, not are the they're not the smartest. They have the highest EQ, the emotional intelligence to be able to read a room and know what is needed and know how to lead in very specific and nuanced situations. So you will face, we've talked about this before too, situations that are outside your wildest dreams. Like I never thought I would be solving this particular problem. All kinds of things. Driving a mattress down to I never thought I had a Toyota matrix at the time. How did I make it happen? I don't know. It was a miracle. It was like feeding the 5,000. I don't know how I got it down there. To this day, I can't remember how I got that mattress. Is it a twin mattress? I don't know. All I know is I was in Encinitas with a lady and she got her mattress. But if you struggle with EQ, uh, I would recommend identifying who in your life do you feel like has high EQ and spending time with that person? Letting their EQ rub off on you in the sense of what do they do when they're coming into a room full of people? How do they deal with a very angry person? How do they deal with tension in a room? How do they lead in a situation where there is no leadership? How do they make peace when there are maybe even two leaders who aren't getting along? How do they approach a parent who's new for the first time? Like if you aren't good at those things, who is and observe because that is what will carry you so far is be able to connect and just enter sort of into any situation and being able to connect, not being the smartest person in the room, but having like a lot of corporations now are hiring EQ coaches. My sister's one of them because the they're they might be very brilliant people, but they're just having a hard time maybe like humaning. I was gonna say that, maybe humaning a little bit because how well you work with people, I mean, that's super important. Like if the chemistry is off, like they always say like skills might get you in the door, but like like your competency, right? Competency gets you there, but chemistry and character keep you there. Meaning, like, are you the kind of person that people want to work with? Because when they're looking to move you into a different position, maybe you're really good at your job, but deep down they're like, I just don't want to work with you. Right. You know, and people do, they curate their teams to fit their own personal preference because they want to have a team of people that they look forward to working with, that they could see themselves going like to conferences and retreats with and sitting around the table with and having a good time. Not like I would not go out to dinner with these people if my life depended on it. However, you're really good at your job. So, well, I mean, that'll get you in the door, but that just won't get you into every door or sitting around every table, maybe around a table, but you're not gonna be the person who people gravitate toward for opportunities. And, you know, it's just the way it is. Do I write the rules? No, I observe the rules and I sense the rules, and it's human nature. You know what I mean? And so there's a great book I read very early on in my ministry. I think we've linked it before, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It's kind of getting to be a classic at this point. And it's a super simple book. I just feel like it has a few good pointers of like how to relate to people in a way that leaves them feeling good about you. Not like manipulation tactics, but just social skills, right? That are helpful for a pastor because we are around people all the time. So I think that's it. Oh, yes, one more thing I wanted to say on that is ask people for feedback. So, like I had a difficult meeting recently, and I asked someone in the meeting, like, hey, do you have any feedback on how I handled that? Like, did I come across like I was upset, too upset? Did I come across like that I was looking for peace? Do you have any feedback on what I could have done better or different? And it was great to hear their feedback. They didn't have any because I did a great job on that one. But I don't always feedback. I loved that feedback. But it was like one of those things where I can think back to times where I'm like, yeah, I didn't handle that one very well. And I remember our campus pastor giving me feedback on a meeting he was in with me with a parent one time, and it was a tough meeting. And he had some constructive feedback for me. He was like, Yeah, you came across a little clinical. Like, you know, you could have been a little more emotion, like led with your emotions a little bit more. Like, I think that would have softened the conversation a bit. I was like, that's wonderful to hear. Like, I felt clinical, like I agreed, you know, of like, okay. So then I observe him when he talks to people and just his gentleness, and he's so just allowed like he's so kind, it just opens people's hearts so much, you know? And so observing him and asking him for feedback of because he's had an incredible ministry career, and so I want to be just like him. Ask people for feedback that you want to be just like, like, oh, you do this so well. Like, what are you thinking in this moment, or what should I have said right here, or what, how are you processing what's happening? Because this was intense. Did you feel the intensity, or how do you overcome it? And, you know, maybe an area you struggle with, like maybe you aren't good at taking criticism. Find someone who is and say, what mindset do I need to adopt? You know, to be able to take criticism well. You know, just stuff like that. Research with the people around you to always try to be the best version of yourself.

Staying Connected To The Source

SPEAKER_01 18:10

So, number three, be highly connected to the source. This is something that I think I could, I guess I can't categorize this as like something nobody tells you in ministry. Like, yeah, I mean, people tell you like your relationship with God is is number one, right? Your everything stems from that. But the truth is that you will learn maybe the hard way, hopefully not, is that your own skills only go so far. So you're in brand new situations all the time. There's no handbook or guidebook on how to do this, how to do it well, like what to do when this person says this. And have you ever noticed, like, when you have to handle a tough situation, people some or if you hear about them in a tough situation, they'll be like, I just didn't like the way they handled it. Like, it's like, I and I can empathize with that to an extent, but part of me is like, yes, but this is such a unique situation. Can we give grace to the people who had to handle it? Like, they didn't want to handle it, it was very hard, and there's no guidebook for this. So they're going off their best, like leadership or what they know, or maybe what scripture says. And when it's a yucky situation, no matter how they handle it, it's always gonna feel yucky. Right. You know, it's just not fun.

SPEAKER_00 19:33

And there may be multiple ways of handling it. You just might not be a fan of the particular way that you exactly.

SPEAKER_01 19:39

And so it's just like hearing that feedback sometimes is tough because it's like there's no guidebook on this. Like, this is a brand new situation every single day, and you just do your best. And that is why, like, you have to stay connected to the source. And I'm like, that's obviously God. The Holy Spirit has got to inform our leadership because there will be these hairy issues that just really don't have a clear-cut path and answer. So seeking the Lord for wisdom, common sense, good judgment, asking people who you feel like have really good judgment, common sense are connected to the Holy Spirit. What's the next move here? How do we do this? You know, when the Bible says, don't rely on your own understanding, you know, but seek God in everything and He'll make your path straight. Trust in the Lord with all your heart. So it's like, okay, I am gonna sharpen myself as a leader, but without the Holy Spirit, I'm nothing. I'm like, what? Like the compilation of the last book I read and the last podcast I listened to, like, which is great. Like, obviously, we're a podcast, we would say that. But it's like inform yourself, educate yourself. But when the rubber meets the road, you still need the Holy Spirit to inform every single thing you do. You can't always just rely on the last author or the last podcaster or the last conference you went to. It's like, what is the Holy Spirit telling you in this situation? What does he want you to do? Because this is the first time you're navigating maybe this particular person and that particular person in this particular situation and that particular dynamic. Like a podcast can't answer that for you. A book can't answer that for you. It can give you general principles, it can help you, you know, have some guidelines and boundaries of general leadership things, but it can't guide you in the specific deep places of leadership. You have to have the Holy Spirit speak into that. I personally, every single day, and I really do mean, I mean, I sure probably have skipped one or two, but my morning prayer, nine times out of ten, is Number one, all gratitude for like five minutes to get my heart in the right place. And then asking God for wisdom, good judgment, and common sense. And I remember that came from the book of my mom bought me this book. It was like a kid's book all about proverbs. It was like illustrated and I loved it. And I'd read it all the time. And I noticed almost every proverb that they had like given for kids, it's all about you need common sense, good judgment, and wisdom to live life. And I that just really got ingrained in me and it just stuck with me of like, okay, well, I can read a lot of books, go to a lot of classes, seminars, conferences. But if I don't have the Holy Spirit like in my heart and brain, like transforming the way I think and see things, like it doesn't matter how much studying I do, like it's not ignited into anything without the power of God in it. So you have to be connected to the Holy Spirit.

Youth Ministry Growth Accelerator Invite

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Hey, quick question for you. Have you ever felt like you are working really hard in your youth ministry every week, but you don't know what the next step is or how to grow your youth ministry? Well, you are not alone. And that is exactly why we created our course and coaching program called Youth Ministry Growth Accelerator. Inside the program, we're gonna walk you step by step through strategies, systems, leadership principles that help ministries grow, both in size and in health. This isn't just theory, it's the exact framework we've used and taught to youth pastors all over the country and even globally. In addition to the course and coaching, you will also have the opportunity to join a cohort community where you can meet with other youth leaders who are on the same journey to encourage each other, share ideas, and stay accountable as you put things into practice. So if you're looking for a clearer path to grow your ministry, head over to grow your youth ministry.com to see everything that's included. Once again, that's growyour youth ministry.com. All right, let's get back to the episode.

Quick Wrap Up And Callback

SPEAKER_01 24:10

So that is it, Jeff.

SPEAKER_00 24:13

How many was that? That was three.

SPEAKER_01 24:14

Oh, for some reason I thought it was more than well, there was four, but I feel like I kind of combined two as I started talking.

SPEAKER_00 24:21

So that's three. Uh, we did another episode a long time ago, actually with your sister in regards to emotional intelligence in Utah. That was a good one. So make sure you guys check that out.

Comment Of The Day And Outro

SPEAKER_00 24:32

This is a community comment of the day. This comes from Ivy Schmelling, who says, Wow, this is great. Thanks. Four years later, LOL. This was from a um a no prep games episode.

SPEAKER_01 24:43

So everyone loves the games episodes.

SPEAKER_00 24:46

We're probably due for a new one. We're probably due for one.

SPEAKER_01 24:48

What kind of games do you guys need?

SPEAKER_00 24:51

Great question.

SPEAKER_01 24:52

Let us know in the comments so that we give the right kind of I don't know, like outdoor, indoor, holiday, schmalladay, whatever.

SPEAKER_00 25:02

Easter's coming up, so Easter games. We did do an episode on Easter games. We did check that out too. Check it out. Well, thank you, Ivy. Appreciate you and appreciate you guys watching and listening, and we'll see you next time.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

If that is where you're truly headed. The inflection of this weird. If that is where you're truly headed, just stay at normal. So I would point you there. I would point you.

SPEAKER_00 25:31

What are you doing?