Dad

Warning: The first two episodes of this series are difficult for some to listen to. Skip a head to episode three to where Gillis's life story begins.

In this episode we are talking to Gillis about his Dad and how the short time he knew him, shaped the rest of his life.

Transcript

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spk_0:   0:00
way. First episode off planing. I'm your host, Erin. So what does this podcast about? What can you expect? Why would you listen to this podcast? So about 15 years ago, I met a guy at work who had some of the most amazing scariest sadist, interesting stories that I've heard and what I was told on those worksites back then, I always thought should be put into a book. Or I guess now, in this age of podcast and that's just what we've done, what are we trying to achieve with this podcast? I guess the message I'm trying to get across the people was that not everyone's life is Ah, fairytale. Not everyone gets the same chances it if Rooney are. So when you hear off crimes and the news of these people who are committing these horrific necks No, no, it looks into the back story. Why these people like that Did they have ever chance? And that's what we're gonna highlight today. Gillis is a storyteller, is what we call the gift of the gab. And what you hear today is him really reliving the early years of his life and in particular, today is his father. We're gonna touch on everyone in his life. All the stories we've also lifted, but a mystery and near as well. So there will be, I guess, surprises and had a lot of twists and turns to the story. What I try and do with with Gillis and the seating is just let him tell his stories. There's a lot of situations where you do want to jump in and ask more questions or kind of say, Hey, man, it's all right. Like, you know, I almost want to reach out and give that kid He's talking about a hug in certain situations but a warning. There is explicit language. There is content about suicide abuse, child abuse, drug addiction, overdose. This this everything in this this podcast listener discretion is a twice like issued Cool it. But without further do, he's the first episode dead. We'll start off, you get dead. Yeah. Who he waas What? Your member of them. Any stories? You remember about him?

spk_1:   2:35
Uh huh. Well, my dad, My dad I can't remember a little bit of, um Has he committed suicide around six use from northern interior. His French Indian in Dutch, French Indian from a dad side in Dutch from for my grant beside. And that's from a Grammy side shoes award, right? My dad was really violent. He was raised by my grandpa, who was fucked up from World War Two. Um, and it cook and drank a lot. And my mom has pictures. I was from when we were kids with me upside down in the wall, like my print of immune as a year old or something, and she took a pitch of it because it hurts like endearment. Right? Picture of me in the wall.

spk_0:   3:36
Eso you mean a print of you on the wall? Life getting head into the wall?

spk_1:   3:40
Yeah. Not me. Is this my shape? Yeah, from my goddess. Throw me into the wall. Oh,

spk_0:   3:47
Jesus. And so what do you do for work?

spk_1:   3:52
He did whatever about He stole anywhere. And yet, So I don't know more about one done when I was doing a bit like working 20 some years later by some guy named Mickey, one of his best friends. My friend Jonathan is like a You meet this guy's record, and so go meet music. You get the cab. Those guys, I mean, here's my name. He's like your dad's named Thomas and as soon as he asked me, that is your real quick. What is this guy asking me My dad's name and And then he says, It's a guy. He was huge. We were best friends. He was He was my best friend. They taught me shitloads in both my dad and but that's fast 40. Um ah, he One thing I know he did was he was a butcher or work for a butcher and used to steal the meat for sure, Because I got a double hernia from fucking my dad stealing backwards a cows. They're, you know, which would perk. Remember, it's called and usedto put us, uh, thumb through the Achilles part of the U and carry like that. I saw him do it. So I went to try and do it, and I was going, like, five, maybe six at the most, cause he committed suicide up. That's where that and I didn't want to drop it right. Piss him off or anything. They have gone to toe black. And then I guess I ripped up my right

spk_0:   5:23
and you knew, shared away Well, they knew straight away you'd done something pretty seriously itself again.

spk_1:   5:28
Uh, yeah, they took me to the hospital. I don't remember it all, but I got the star steel. I had double her here, but rather my my brain region people's lives I have discouraged about, Remember, since a little she's on. And you also drops nuke. Well, because I remember my mom. Tell me a story about him, uh, you know, pissed off. I wanna make him seem like a baby. Um, throwing me who outside the snowplow, into this into the into the snowbanks and not try to cure me. But I guess my mom said he put me Oh, and then told her she was pregnant with my brother to get 02 and ah, and then drove away. You left? Don't know. Standing in the snow May my mom pregnant with my brother and me e

spk_0:   6:22
c u has a role in the snowplow. So it was pretty well in towards towards you from a really young age. I'm taking it if

spk_1:   6:28
you know about

spk_0:   6:29
the print on the wall and getting thrown into a snow bank in

spk_1:   6:33
everybody. That was his thing. Um when I was a kid. I don't see all the I don't. So I can remember all missing 20. Like lots of guys missing front Just like me. All right. Uh huh. And, uh, from scrapping. And I wonder from this Mickey guy, So Okay, I'll tell you. Busy. Just my dad's suicide not just tied everything together. I found them the first time, Uh, the and slit his wrists open. And so there's a bunch of blood coming into the bathroom door upstairs. And there's a shoot apartments we lived in. And then I just remember seeing the blood.

spk_0:   7:19
So you're that you're the one who discovered him well, discovered

spk_1:   7:21
that all, All three times I was there, so I found him that time, and I don't remember a lot of it. But then I remember that Mary live with my mom, and I found out later that my dad was seeking with my Aunt Mary, Um and everyone was messed up. And then on the second time I found him, I didn't find him, but I was with him when he had taken a bunch of pills. So what sparked all of this was my first time. But my dad being violent. Every is my dad. On the way back home, gotten jumped outside the yard and he said, one of those our clothes lines in the backyard. It was like a look like upside down triangle you could turn. And it just said, the clothes line going around like this. I don't

spk_0:   8:11
You know it,

spk_1:   8:13
Yeah, you know, is all. I guess my dad almost got into the house and got into a big fight with all these guys, and they had tied him to the pole with the clothes line and reboot blocking his head, like for real. And on this was paid back for stuff my dad done Now should I mean like, this waiter, like, always really violent shit. My mom told me that My God, she's to hit going to bars with them. This stuff. She said that he would go and start shaking in the corner of the bar with a bunch of guys and but pick fights with everyone from the back of the bar all the way out the door. She just

spk_0:   8:51
just to start problems. He's just looking for a foot.

spk_1:   8:54
I don't know. Lots of arms, like I don't know I can't imagine you just write up. Did she? Because living by, remember like my dad wasn't a yeah, right. Like my dad. I know for sure. Love my mom a lot. I love this kids A lot. Realize issues for sure. Was any of

spk_0:   9:11
these was any of the fights and stuff? What, was he involved with gangs, or was it more just crying by

spk_1:   9:17
the noise? Right? Conduct is just a kid, but I know that he's sold coke and he went up and down from Thunder Bay all the way up to Northern too. But this stuff I don't know yesterday. Look, let me tell you this. I note this later in the pen. Well, my dad the second time I found him, these guys have been open his head there. You have to get his head shape. There were stitches on. I didn't see them, but I remember my mom. My mom stories later about my dad having pains in the shed. So this time he took a bunch of pills. I clearly remember his memory. I was sitting in the living room on the on the floor, on the rug, one of the big on TV. Is that the You know it. We're looking fucking TVs with the speakers on this side. You know, this is 19 e. Uh um and we're watching Scooby Doo. And my dad was on the coach behind me, and I remember looking at my dad and he was crying just staring at me. It's no like what? I like tears rolling down his eyes and ears, just smoking out. I just remember looking my dad's face, and I remembered it. But again, I didn't really, You know, I'm aware my would have done to my head. I don't forget shit. Like, I've bean my, you know, we're getting a bit. Yeah. And as much as I've tried to forget fucking shit getting fucking high or lifestyle or whatever, my fucking brain can't seem the booking drop any members. It

spk_0:   10:49
was a traumatic experiences. I guess what you

spk_1:   10:52
get gets their hardwired in there. But, I mean, it was the same school. I can read a walking dictionary. So

spk_0:   11:01
the first to the 1st 2 times he tries that are around you. So Yeah, just you in the living room. And this was going

spk_1:   11:09
on in the pills in his ice kept closing this stuff and then I must have been Got my mom again. I gotta don't remember. And I remember being in the hall alway and my mom and they live in my words Was it in it? But the guys were looking at the whole the living room from the hallway, I guess. Almonds. People there. Something I don't I don't really remember. There's a commotion there Taking are the second time on. Then the third time he takes me with him and it was at night time and I've gone with my dad before. Let the picks up the car here on impel and, um, remember the stuff We have got a vacuum. Whose which, you know, I can think back now in calculus is always present. Cute vacuum. Who's been a bunch of wires, which is tools. We went and we knock the back seat down and you put that backing holds from the muffler through the trump through the back sheet for all that. And then I remember thinking, we're gonna go for a ride now. Like so we just fix the car. I went to my side to the passengers. I and I just remember, he wouldn't like. I couldn't get in the car. You locked me out, and then we must have started to stop. Said, just got pieces of it. And then I was on my bad side of the card. I'm looking at him like I'm only six, so at the most, And, um and then, like his hedges, his decided the window Looked like raining it for condensation on the glass. No, you Were

spk_0:   12:42
you ever in the cow with them?

spk_1:   12:44
No. No, you didn't let me in. I think. I don't think he took me out there to do that. I think like, years later, I remember being being in the pen, talking to a guy, and I was, like, talking about it. Call my dad, you know, And it could took the card. We all right? And he said he said, Well, I don't know about that. He says is I think you gotta be fucking pretty fucking ballsy. Cure yourself. This isn't about health walking batteries. This is You're taking your own fucking life. I thought of us. Yeah, that's it is a fucking bosie single. What can do? Not that I'm saying it's something good and I'm gonna say it's a good thing to take your son of your But I think he meant to take me with him and then changed his mind and then didn't have the presence of mind to take me back in the host and hasn't just did it ended up doing it. They confront are furious. Head was fucked up, just used but himself, and he did

spk_0:   13:39
so his here, That's the window and the enduring more.

spk_1:   13:42
Yeah, that's when I black Oh, and so that must be like when my my brain, my kid head figures or something I don't know, I have no remember remember that sound of it? Head and the glasses and then nothing And then, like my next memories is up. Redhead guy with a big rig Was she working mustache And I This part my mom told me about it to later on. My mom come to seem the awesome music. Juneau's eight work. They're taking me to a possible map for this. That's suicides I, Mrs Muhammad's Walker. Two days later, a weak leader and my mom comes to see me in the boss woman. I remember her telling this story later too. But this redheaded shoulders aid worker could I guess my mom would already be a month, and the police had hand copter to the stove in the kitchen. This is when he was taking us from our home. And so he was trying to put me in the car and I kicked it. I remember Kick him. And then my mom was telling me the story about this redheaded June's aid worker. And when shoes I didn't see if she was handcuffed in the kitchen. Sometimes it was just the same story. What was happening with her, I guess. The shoes handcuffed to the kitchen store.

spk_0:   14:57
So a you with your brother and your sister, who's like, How does that go as far as age? Waas

spk_1:   15:05
you with me? There's, uh, six months altogether, but the oldest died right after birth in the youngest idea after birth. My mom motions was have any West kids because she was a really raped when she was teenage girl as she ran away to northern to my dad, and he was like her funeral right? He was like 18 years 17. He was 19 years 18 1 of the two. I'm something like what it is. That's my monthly, um, asking me, like my dad, like protecting a member. My mama. You took care of us kids because we're increasing environment for sure, because things got a lot crazy once. You guys, I know he was keeping things. See if there's also the source of everything fucked up, So

spk_0:   15:49
you're You're the oldest kid.

spk_1:   15:51
I was the oldest kid. Yeah. Sorry. And then this other might What was it that you

spk_0:   15:55
think That he kit taking you into these situations? Like, obviously him in the bathroom? Obviously, he couldn't tell who was gonna be there first. And then hem being with you in the living German in the car,

spk_1:   16:08
Our zeal, this kid and I was probably that was used or something. I don't know, but I remember seeing the blood underneath the Basson dork. I remember the color of it, because just Yeah, and then I don't remember going get my mum or nothing again. I just remember being down the stairs. My hat Mary was always there to, for some reason in all three times and my mom yelling, not we're not married. Now. We gotta think a lot of stuff. I don't know what this young age. I don't know that my dad was fucking my I find all this stuff. Years later, I found out more than we talked. A piece of story. Get it. Just like my grandma all the time telling me you got my mom. My dad and I was always steeped myself because they sent me to go with my family for a little while to when I was a kid. Um, from the loss of homes and my grandmother was becoming your mother. 20 meter. She killed you. That and it also moving. I'm running in my head, right. Minding your own that. Yeah. Finally, I grew up. My mom was like, grew like when I was a prostitute. Alcoholic. She's super mostly used. She's she was fucked up, but she's doing the best to give you what She grew up, right? So that I find out and running for my mom. Got it for my dad to love my mum as much as he didn't for my mom to put my dad through that should he did. And I'm not seeing using one was right or wrong. I just understood all somewhat my grammar meant by my mom killed my dad just by being so built. Because so Okay, so my dad dies, right? And I go to foster homes else, and I meet this guy Norman Black, and he's missing Frankie's. Right? Hes needed was well, just on my dad, right? My dad's French, and he's used to smear. We

spk_0:   17:46
said was a dead visibly native.

spk_1:   17:49
Yeah, my dad. I got my dad's features. My mom's color. Um, like people telling him dead. Remember my dad? Little good pictures. I can see it all My mom's color, right? Like blue eyes. Uh, but so it is to this Norman black guy whose mission is to either, I find out, is this guy is not my foster dad, and he reasons still in 14 right? So cool. Part of the story. So fast word. I mean the pain. Right. Um, this is, like easily 37 years after my dad died. Because I'm close to my forties then and I mean, this making guy starts telling you both my mom's relationship with my dad and my dad and all the crimes he used to do and how you save all the way up northeast of this trap line and selling coke and collecting. You said your dad's fucked up so many people from here to fucking Timmons, which is gonna be a chemist's all of northern Ontario. And then I understood why my dad had somebody an image. And I remember seeing the house, my dad's stuff, parties in this drunk guy said tricycle. And I said, Going to drive around my back getting appear once. Remember standing in the room drinking it? A stomach hurt lead behind my mom on the coach has stow This one guy broke my little trick. I don't remember. All right, look again. It's in pieces. But I remember this guy breaking my trick, my dad getting mad. I remember seeing this guy laying, twitching on the ground, bleeding from his fucking years. But my dad, who fucking is hit. All right, so this is doing my dad. This is one of his friends that he was drinking with just minutes ago. We just happen to make my little bite. And my mom said your dad just fucking

spk_0:   19:34
So what was the guy, or was he, like, similar to your bill, But Strong's

spk_1:   19:40
He was my safety used £470.180 pounds. And this mental mental right, like everyone I've ever met, talks about my garden. And so, as I grew up in Thunder Bay, Ontario, I got to meet the guys that took up my dad right there, all big juice heads and everything. There's like five or six. So that's what I'm saying. That's the that's That's the kind of guys that become to go get my badly, just one of them. So what's weird about this? So this Norman black guy raises me, He's my step, dad. We go live on his reserve and everything. Um, I call him Dad, but I'm older, right? And I will say, even though one even once I found out off details. I still have lots of respect for my store. You're still my other dad, but this is a fucked up shit I meet making. He tells me that you know that. Normal. Thank you for talking about him like he's a fucking goof. Right it easy. This is my step dad guy. That fucking goof is the reason you're fucking dad got jumped right on. Why? Because your dad knocked his fucking teeth. I remember Harry missing front keys, those. But listen, 20 I remember that bar admission this funky My mom, Mr Funke Two. That was from my dad and my dad's missing his front teeth. And that was from me when I was a kid. But that's another story. Yeah, no one picked up. My dad took me to take out my dad's tea. Smells like secure results. Um, so he's told me about this guy Norman. And I know one drop too much names, uh, and his brothers and all this shit. My dad fucked up this guy because my mom was fucking him. That's what my grandma meant when she said your mom killed your fucking dad and my dad was going to all kinds of fucked up shit because my mom was fucking this Norman guy My dad found out, fucked him up, knock his fucking key. So my dad's the kind of guy, So, like, we wait somebody they usually want to come back with prejudice, That so do shit. Like happy era. Knock your fucking teeth of Who fucking doing your cabbage patch? Um, and so these guys, his brother and his friends, right um, it's funny because I end up growing up with all their kids for all my cousins and stuff. It's weird because all our dads had all this past history together, this violent history. And here we go over the next generation, all growing up together, his cousins and friends and shit, going younger vendor shit and repeating the same crazy, violent shit with each other to they. What? I end up in the pen. All the guys that really front doing murders like that. All guys I was in young offender with growing up all my friends. It's who wouldn't know roll across Canada and the ship was the best one. I was the biggest one. That's another word. But one of my friends were doing double murders and shit crazy shit often like new stuff in rural 1920 years old.

spk_0:   22:32
So the reason you day got jumped on the clothes line was because of this guy

spk_1:   22:37
was because of this guy who ended up. Yeah, so was I was, like, holy. It was just the craziest thing on.

spk_0:   22:44
So how how did he end up being a foster dad? Like, do

spk_1:   22:48
you want here? My moment walking him. I never seen them before. I don't see him until now. My documents suicide. I'm in the foster home. They got me and my one brother than it takes for me and my sister and my two brothers. They take to, ah, another foster home. And then they take me and put me up. My CIA reliving is right beside reserved because we're mixed blood kids they're trying to do. It's two of us. They end up giving to my boss. Repairs do was to need a foster parent, and then they split me my sister up. I freak out because I want my little sister with me. And I remember them saying, You know, your little sister camp here and where they were trying to tell me she can't either. I smashed every fucking window in that walking hope everywhere I still fucking last chair or peace the table like that smoke champ didn't sit up from under table off the front window.

spk_0:   23:47
Hello to you. And this was hit me.

spk_1:   23:49
So this is a document that commits suicide. Six, maybe seven.

spk_0:   23:52
So you're doing this with me saving,

spk_1:   23:54
you know? Yeah, but I got my sister back that gave him me and my sister never got spit up after that. Every fucking floss from all the way happened to when I was 12 and I got put in a group home for two years. My sisters there was so

spk_0:   24:10
have. But how did this guy end up? Because he was with your mom. Is that how we

spk_1:   24:14
stop? Yeah, I keep forgetting. Remember having sex, I guess. And this shit up with my dad. Now I'm in the foster home, so I guess my mother, because she's gonna shack up with this guy now and raised us kids and that time medium. So I'll be here not knowing anything about him in my dad's connection at all. He's just a new face to me I've never seen before. My mom says, you know, we're going to go live with game, and this is not the kind of stuff she said, you know, this is your stepped out or so work. Remember? She heard you remember, We were Winston Hall apartments there, like these welfare apartments for people, massive fucking apartments that used to be for Army dudes. And then out of the army base was empty. Even rented out to low income families.

spk_0:   25:01
It must've been a pretty weight on his shoulders knowing what had happened. Because he must

spk_1:   25:05
have. You must not only reason raising the kids of the guy that he knows his brothers and friends went to. And I mean, like, when I think about that stuff, like, because I found out about this stuff about him when I was in the pain. Now I'm almost 40 years old, right? It's all dead and gone. Your army to meet this guy and find out all the stock just building so many blanks for me about what was going on with my mom. What was ground God? What was up with step down. But, you know, I just So he actually raised us with my mom. And I'm not kidding. Brew us. Kids were working the worst parking kids to park. You took on a fucking handful like us three boys. Us playing was meant racking ship like put us in a room. The player There's holes in the walls. The bed would be broken. No pics out of their person in the basement. My fucking brother burnt one place down. It was just really brutal were bad kids. I was getting kicked in a school. Not being back was sick of being bad. Because I remember all the time trying to be good. I was trying to do good in school. Good every very with. But I always blow up. I ended up in some kind of trouble. You know, I don't realize until much older, like my whole life. All I heard was this kid's got it at your promise about a temper. Lovelock, Anger, anger, anger, Anger wasn't there was a lot older than I really Iran. Anxious problem Like I'm scared, like traumatized from it, as it can do so much danger around me all the time with my guy and his friends. And then after my dad, I didn't get much better. Uh, did for a little while with my step dad and my mom was still a lot of alcohol drinking and shit like that. We're definitely toned down a bit. And then him and my mom separated on the national shipment. Crazy guy. My mom actually did the worst that I've ever seen. That's when my mom started drinking prostituting and everything. Now I'm like 13. My mum started shape. It was so weird. All right, so you see, I ran away, like, a year or two later, but yeah, like my mama. Come on, Sunday goes so big time. A holy Fatma. What the fuck is wrong to you telling me this ship? You know, go Passover. Something looking room, like, just just not stuff right or something. My sister. What

spk_0:   27:30
is fairest timeline? So you're probably

spk_1:   27:33
with your brokers

spk_0:   27:35
with this guy with you stepped and you're probably with them, Say, from Steven Toe. What age did they break up? You think?

spk_1:   27:43
Um, so it would have been likes late six. But I say seven Woodbury is like I said, my dad committed suits that somewhere when I was just turned six. And then this guy will marry way. But so from there, really seven until 13 years old. This guy stayed with my mom and raised us kids, and we went through, like, every year. I think we moved, Jonesy. We talked to be in and out of my mom's life in this guy's life. You know, my mom took us to live on the reserve and shit. I was pretty cool. And then we went to live back in southern Ontario for a while. Where shoes from. That's where I got Oh, you draw the line of what molesting is. I mean, I never got for you diddled or nothing, but I had an uncle try and fork unless me bring. I wait for Cell Ontario on my mom's side, and then they sent me to live with my grandma in Northern Material and answering my dad's brother on my dad's side. Tried messing me to and all I could think of. And I was. I stopped both these down. I was a smart kid. I'm surprised you didn't try this shit with me. Um, but it was still enough to fuck up my head and stuff like I remember thinking leader, if my dad was alive to fight, there's no one. Listen to me. Rice and Uncle Mark 100 in this. No, listen to me or what are. I don't want my grandma's headspace was, but all I know is I got capped up and shipped out, back, back home and back into a foster mom. And nothing ever happened in my local Andre over this for nothing. I just remember thinking that you. My dad was alive in just a little bit. I know him. Like my dad would've killed. My dad would have beaten with his own fucking hands to death. Return not to me. And that's crazy. Yeah, sure. So

spk_0:   29:28
you like in these other situations that when your sister almost got taken away your pretty violent in these situations when

spk_1:   29:36
it it paid to be aggressive because all the harm in danger in my life, it paid to react within Russia when I was a kid. Last out. Like when I was six years old, six years old, right before my dad Community suicide. Um, first, wild. Anything I can't remember doing into somebody that did something to hurt me, um, was this kid took a seven green turtle that I could sit right in and pedal, right? A wheels under its, uh, feet. And it's fucking bully kid on the little joints for your pregnancy. So they've been Welfare Square to call it took my fucking thing and were buried in the sand box. Wouldn't come back. I remember. I was just a kid. I remember everything. I don't have the mission. Remember my dad's toolbox? You're a red Prove boxing to pull real hard Condors open, Grab his hammer. All right, Fucking went. And it's funny, cause I've ever think when I was a kid, I don't want my mom to see me. And then when my mom tells me her birds on the story when she was doing the dishes at the kitchen sink, it looked out the kitchen window and saw me running across the cycle by the skin with a hammer. She knew something was up, so by the time she got to the door and open it, I don't before can clock the fucking kid and was yelling at our drop the hammer. I don't know those young knows a kid. My mom's screaming Children over and have me, Um, and I hit this working kid like, straight up worker through his fucking head. And so and then after that, it was the foster homes, foster kids trying to fuck with me. Foster parents, China mistreat me while they treat their kids Good because it's one of his. Every foster parent would take meeting all the sports. You know, we're gonna love in every then my my behavior issues and come out on me because it has happened to me at all. Son, I just remember being so smart about adults that the ladies they start being mean to me or not. Want me or you know what I mean? All the time. Every time every I go back to my mom, my mommy too much Use me to choose a good of Washington's crew for months. Shit after that, back and forth, back and forth. Like I was always trying to do. Good. It's quite good at a teacher trying to adopt me. I remember Mr Newton trying to adopt me when I was like you nine. He was my teacher. And shit is all kinds of complications. She literally I guess she was aware of just how fucked up things work for me were at home and she remember I met was a big thing. I remember going on a boat I teach you about dot Me and they were talking to me. You could have

spk_0:   32:10
seen Ah, you could have been the real life. Ah, Matilda Isn't that Matilda story? I gotta watch that movie. No terror have gone kids, the kids, Maybe

spk_1:   32:20
my mom. You bring home guys after heard my step that broke up there are walking the head. They think because they're walking my mom for the night, you're gonna be our dad. And these aren't like normal guys. My mom bringing. Remember this one guy's name is Alex. Trade remembers him. He was in the fucking living room with me and my little sister. But what? You need ground us. I just remember seeing what the what, Right. Remember? Yeah, I'm a mom. Like, get your fucked up fuckin guy from down here. Don't your naked going at it? I'm sparing a shit on my sister, right? So normally, I can just move away and get away from stuff. But because he's hearing my sister trying Wait with this guy and he's he's drunk, ings and degraded. But he's still stealing. I don't like it. I remembered it that he couldn't keep me nothing. But I think I remember when he grabbed me It really hurt me, you know? Pulled me like I remember being angry and scared. He was just fucked up shit like that in the whole times. But fucking nikh all I remember is it working? Ruin our thoughts. Walking decree. No, my little sister there. You fucked up shit.

spk_0:   33:34
So I I know you've said to me before that you thought you were dead. Had definitely thought about taking you with them. That's what you kind of thought.

spk_1:   33:48
I don't think you make one meeting will wash up, are they? He realized she was so she for me for him when he was on the coast. When I said the second time, he took all those pills in his later on the car to die. I didn't know overdose straight. He's laying there, looking at me crying. They were some of his eyes is he's overdosing. And then I must have figured out he's not sleeping. He's dying. And then I must have been told my mom and and cheap on him again that came in did whatever Dr Adams people have taken. Um, I think that time he was laying there, thinking about I could just tell my dad loved me, and I could tell you sad or something. They're not Time order. I'm a grown man and I've been through a lot of fucked up shit myself. It now I'm in the pen, my daughters growing up without me, I have seen all kinds of hurt Lost everything. Like I would better What? What my dad could have been feeling. Yeah, I can act, but I can still remember that Look on his speech. You know, I can remember it. Look out again. And now look at it Through my eyes. Now, growing up, I could imagine what my dad was going and thinking How about better than I could see? I could tell my dad was in a large about

spk_0:   35:00
Hey, so I mean, hey, you spent six years of them and, you know, motion of those years. Although the traumatic experiences and you can remember how much of that 60 years shaped the rest your life, Do you think

spk_1:   35:16
when was my dad? Yeah, I don't know. Because that's up to the psychologist, I guess. Can they see what happens to kids when you're young age, you are like, I don't know, grown Addo like I don't have lots of memories of him. I've got, like, 10 or so memories of him. I got a few more members of them, but they're more picture story memories, so I'm pretty sure they were when my mom was showing me pictures of him in telling a story that went along with it. And then, like, I got my actual memories of women there. They're all sure the reef dramatic ones. So I think that's all my archery by humans for him, too.

spk_0:   35:56
But, like, obviously, even without the exact memories of it, like, that's gotta effect someone's life that, like they talk about the first sex being pretty important in the development of someone's life.

spk_1:   36:08
All right. I was definitely who I was. I was definitely my whole life growing up. I was definitely already who I wasn't of six for sure. You could have took that course issue of and just put it straight in the parking pain. And I would have been fine. I'd already had all my mom set off the way I was because I hit the foster homes already thinking you fuckers are I don't know why, but I always stop. They're trying to change me. Don't know why. And I always saw you guys are gonna change your meeting. You want to do this? I don't like I'm gonna hold on to me. Just probably guys. Your cat kind of by them. I don't know why. I actually just signal. But I was always me against walking. Whatever

spk_0:   36:52
I think under the answer this. But how much do you think of your dad? Do you have in you like how much you like him or how much were you like him?

spk_1:   37:00
Well, I'm all like my dad because I've had a chance to grow up like my mom. And it's really my mom. Was this toxic to me as she was to my guy Wagnerian. I had to physically get away from my mom after my brother died and my sisters in Culminate my moments patent seeds in my head That will cure the guy that it killed them. Right after my daughter was born. My mom just spoken Talk to me, but by getting him watch my mom grew up. I grew up with my mom because she died. I'm not like my mom, you know, I was with my mom. I didn't learn stuff. My mom, my mom, was like, massive liar. She uses people she ignorant, can't remember stuff. She's She's nothing like I am like, I'm totally like my dad. It's so fucked up because my daughter, right, who I only got to be a part of her life in churches a year old and unlike with my God, I didn't exposure any violent tracing. But I did become absolute honor. Like I get up in the pen for other shit, you know, in my life. And and I'm not gonna be a part of my daughter's life. Fast forward to take that. You know I'm not there. Ah, you know, you since connected right being part of each other's life for 10 years. Now it is crazy how much she's like me. Just the apple doesn't fall far from the tree that she started telling me stuff on Facebook like what's going on to be? I was fighting in school and I got a pro officer and smoked her probation officer and smoking mean I was like, Holy fuck, really? You know, like I had a chance to be there, you know, get used to being a data, anything. She's telling all this stuff. And I just remember thinking Holy fuck, panicked. But I'm just meeting her. We're just getting annoyed. I can't say anything. I can't. You know, I got to try and remember that this isn't about on my terms. It's house. She is when she's ready. Now she wants to do it like the girl that was with that time had to remind me that because I was so discouraged by the way things were going with person reading my daughter again, I didn't mean to. But I got so selfish and caught up myself that when it wasn't happening, we want it wasn't happening. Batter Nothing. But she just wants your teenage girl. Right? Um and so I just kind of Well, maybe I just need your back from this and disconnect rate. But he was There is a bad idea, Your honor. Me. I should just leave her alone. Uh, an inch. Still one of my best friends now that grows with it. Time sputum. She's is he's got madam catches up to choke. Disappointing. She said, This isn't about you. This is about her, she said, and I should have caught it. Tunes like Holy fuck, yeah, And so after that, it really reminded me like you know everything with my daughter's on her terms right from, and it's a lot better, but she's totally like me, and I really like my dad and I know how much of this is just lucky in the blood. You know me Because I find out it that border I find Oh, yeah, like family is making about so many things about my dad, right? Like I'm very spiritually Since my dad was released through trees, they my dad wouldn't talk stuck talking about spiritual things when everyone else is being locked up street, you know, telling don't my dad would be on it on these drives you the North with him talking remorse, patrolling because I do the same thing that people are gonna be talking about this, that I always said That part of me, you're in a mean and it's just and it doesn't make sense to have it, but I've always had it. I've always tried to look order my spirit, right? But that doesn't mean I have been a disaster,

spk_0:   40:39
you know, you talk about how you're so much like dead. I mean, there's definitely things that I know about you that you probably picked that from him that have helped you, like maybe it's not the best intentions things, but you've always hassled and and and got by and always survived, and it sounds like you're dead with someone with it.

spk_1:   40:58
Yeah, I like. Even when I working got all fucked up in my addiction ship and we would beat the shit out of myself. I was ill injured, obviously. My dad and judo up. Um, And when I'm doing good, like when I got over the penmanship, nothing. And I built everything up responses I could. I had a truck and everything before I fucked it all up. You said hustling and should. And when I got my first parole, I, you know, going to Nate doing a contact program ended up working for micro line on the U of a campus singing to the event in research development, parking critics couldn't even learn this shit walking school because that so many patterns on it was still new. Some teachers in some you ready students came up with this shit, privatize, and then I ended up working for this company. Pressure on the rule, my parole officers asking, What do you do? What do you do? The more I'm trying to tell her, she's like more money. Tell me what you tried, what you're doing and why I don't know what you do, but because she was a really good job, like they they're really impressed. They were really impressed with just the fact that I got up to go to meet you. Might can't check program because while I was inside, I just like my actual high school, have formally actual credits, not the G d nonsense. I did correspondence courses and had the challenge Shit, like science and stuff. Could kind of a lab components in there, still aced exams and then went on to go to meet my chemistry there and get this job. It allowed all on parole. Before this time, I never had a proof Social Life stops and this was all I was just winging it because before that I went in. I was in young offender. I got up from young offender as a like three months. I went into the now little bit 11 months for breaking. Entered several months of that. I was over four months. You were robbed reason. And so I went from that crazy fucking lifestyle of my mom's, you know, working, selling herself. I'm running away on the streets selling we my daughter is just being born. My brothers just working died. My sister is in a coma. I went from a crazy life into the fucking pen. I go. I go into the pants, is acting like all the other yahoos in there. I don't decided working you schoolwork. I don't get into the fucking dope in shit as a smoke Dope. I mean, a lot of trouble, though, are easy for friends. A friend of mine will get himself in trouble with somebody like debts or something. All end up sticking up for me in the front of the whole or something. And then it effects like I was I didn't think I was getting probably when I got, but I wasn't in there looking to cause trouble, you know what I mean? Like you might get in trouble is just cause I wasn't on the rules, you

spk_0:   43:45
know? Do you know anything about? I guess your dad's upbringing, like what kind of shaped him? Touch on that. Like, what do you know about his upbringing? What? What shaped him?

spk_1:   43:56
My dad was raised by my grandpa. This dive in my grandma and my grand was a war bride brought back from World War two with my grandpa, this French Indian. You went over there on purpose. As soon as you heard alright, Nazis were in France. You want you want to prove he was a warrior? Here's a soon yeah unit of the important hall and no, instead of France. Uh, and because he was, he was, Ah, French Moammar because he was a high ironworker and stuff, you know, going in there and becoming a royal engineer. It was his job to take apart the bridges sometimes or put it back together, depending on what they're doing, right? We're repairing them out to the airport, going up. That was his job. My grandma said she liked him in a minute. She never seen I needed looking guy before and stuff. So she's this young Dutch girl different time than I think, you know, 15 or 16 or some crazy young right. But my grandpa's crazy opportunities a 18 1920 maybe remain got 20. I don't know what he's in The fucking warrior. She said he was This is a this is a suburb. But she said about my ground. What's is I thought it was cool you're seeing on the bridge interested. She fell in love with him because of stuff like this. He was fixing. You didn't have gone on here. Tools. He was fixing the bridge. She says in the Army was student on this stuff. This is all the other people that were on the bridge and stop. She said They all round hit just as your grandpa just sat there. Well, they off shot at each other back and forth. He said, He just actor working away on the bridge. They're acting like no sense running away is just gonna keep doing what it's doing kind of thing as they fucked. That is. So my men telling us so, Yeah, it's super cool.

spk_0:   45:47
And then do you know anything about his upbringing? Like they sound like, uh,

spk_1:   45:51
are pretty appearance like, Wow, you know, he was very viable. So my grab my dad, my grandpa was. So you think a soldier, I guess. But he what with my grandma lot preparing years order. Why do you back and forth between them? So I think that's where he learned the abuse towards women. Was my grandpa and grandma on my There's lots of New York proof, just alcoholic My dad was alcohol, so he got the out, goes in for my grandpa, and then I think the violence and the rigidity finishing there, having to be topping everything I think that came from my grandpa to Hey didn't only hold himself to that standard. I think you hold my dad tour. I think you have other people to a two. I think my dad learned that from him because my dad was the same way. My mom said you, My God, only hung out with a certain kind of guys that Jose really bad guys. A. You know, we're always around and stuff. Uh, it's funny because as I grew up, when I get older and I probably Thunder Bay and I started everybody, I second all you guys in Deuteronomy. Yeah, like they're the worst of the worst in Thunder Bay. And all their sons were a couple of daughters are my friends or girlfriends. Like it was working small room.

spk_0:   47:11
Neither arrested doctors, But if you think about like you've got visions come back from wars now, with PTSD with angry traits, you're dead. Probably seen a lot of that from your granddad. You obviously had some pretty traumatic experiences that get how much of this would do you think could be PTSD

spk_1:   47:32
of my dad and my God, I think I would Very well, there's you drop on my grandma and my grandpa from World War Two and then also in my grandpa. Because back then, it wasn't a good thing to be an Indian in working anywhere in Canada because they're doing this scooping ship. My, my God almost got cooking the scoop as well. Um, when my grandpa came back in order to get his veteran's pension, he had to give up his status. Back then they called any I in need of American Indian and I thought said on army papers, any I check Mark. Hey, you got to give that up so that he could get his pension. The government was always trying to take away status. This because if you take away status that they can say there's no more Indians that so we don't have the honor anymore. Trees, you mean and whatever Indians, neighbors, originals? I grew up with the idea. A school too Aboriginal E.

spk_0:   48:29
Guess if if you think about that see grand, it has to get up, give up that status. So that

spk_1:   48:35
my granddaughter and that that's what saved my dad. So there was but say Yeah, because if my grandpa did it there already, um, going trying to go after my dad, I think we looked bright with bringing a kid, like 234 years old or something, I guess. And that's my grandma said I slept, saved, lives darkened. Being taken from her was, um uh my God. But back then, if you were, I need a woman. And you, um, were the weight. You lost your status right away. But if you're in need of guy and you had, ah, way didn't affect your status, his stuff or my dad status, right? Um, so they couldn't get it like that. So they got it. That's why they're still locked in my dad, I guess, because you if you would have been status to assume my grandpa losses status. My dad lost his and then fast forward the tape, I guess apparently. Ah, there was a guy and call me something you say. My name is my dad, Thomas, but a different guy taught me something. He was a native soldier too veteran from Manitoba, and I think it was a case around him where used the 1st 1 or something to get his. They acknowledged that it was wrong to take veterans fucking status away from him in order for them to get their pension up just like a fucking award for the country so you could get it back. But then they also have this thing where there's two generations without status and it's gone, too. And so my grandpa was already dead. My father committed suicide, but I just figured I knew everybody carried anyways. Really, when

spk_0:   50:15
you talk about the scoop, that's when they took kids and put them in the government schools.

spk_1:   50:20
Yeah, I know. They're all kind of locked up, molest, een and kind of I don't think a lot of that affect my God because, like I said, I mean, it did, I guess, And it didn't cause, Like I said, my dad didn't go right because of what happened with my grandpa. Like their Syrian. The good thing about that sewer lining right have losing his does that my grandpa, my dad didn't get they last for sure. You would have on no I haven't been born too late, but they like doing two generations. You try and get one set and then get all their kids do. In that way, there's no one to pass on anything.

spk_0:   51:01
You know, it's pretty horrific what they did bay. So I mean to wrap things up. So I got two questions. First thing is the game. We're not doctors, but nature versus nurture. Like obviously, you've talked about your daughter about there told what? You're dead. Obviously what was going on with his father? Let's eliminate the 1st 6 years of your life. Let's say your dad wasn't around for that. How much of do you think of you would still exist as far as your trait of what you know him

spk_1:   51:36
are being much Because I think I don t I think I already wish I wish when I was little and then I think I just started to have to try and become It just expressed more and more muse. I got over because, like I said, the whole life I've lived, I've been so for bad shit. Even though I've gotten some trouble himself, I've never become that bad shit, you know what? I mean, like, I have gone myself. Have cost. Have been trying. You do good. Even when I was still, I was trying to heal even when I was still being hurt. And, um, when I was hurting myself still, sometimes and sometimes I wasn't even trying to feel I was just hurting myself and hurting others going backwards. But who I was was always trying to come to surface. That's what I'm trying to say. I didn't learn to be the good things I am. I think I was always those things, the good and the bad. I think I'd already become those things, and it always was just trying to become I think. What? I was yelling at everybody when I used to always see why aren't gonna change me are gonna change because I think I already moved. What was that? I was already saying I'm gonna hold on, Graham, Right? Good. Like who I am Like, I know I always never been a bully. I've never all my rob reason stuff. Like when the cops got me for them and I owned half of them. And they even said they said there was one they said where I walked up and walked away. They said what they said they had encountered. Why I do that? Every robbery I did was a fucking guy, right? They're not gonna rob fucking women, right? So things like that these weird things about me, you know? You know, I'll still do robberies, right? Were our room and stuff like that. We're already in me that no one taught me that. Certainly not, Father. Certainly not. My mother shouldn't respect herself to me. Not for nothing, but no one taught me that.

spk_0:   53:20
Do you think your dad had their strict? But you said that he

spk_1:   53:22
did. You kids, I think he was sitting there trying that I think he was. You was sitting Everybody remembers on a bunch of pills about to die or thinking he's gonna die, right? And you're sitting there. He's looking at his son and he was crying and I could stick in the space. I know. I know my dad cause he tried my dad stool wooden ships to put food in our mouth. My dad everything. My dad didn't for a good reason, but he did it bad. Wait your enemy now, so I'm trying to say My dad took care of my mom, but he took care of her and around in a bad way. But I was just I was doing where you have my God loved all those kids. Mickey said You understood what your dad never left. Your mother is a perfect example. My mom's fucking around on him and everything, right? And my mom's No fucking prize. Like, let me tell you, I love about fuck. She's brutal. And my dad never left her your enemy. Instead, he killed himself instead thinking that's his only way out. Right? Like that. Just only so I know he was dressing with a lot and he lost that battle. Working depression where? But he wasn't a piece of shit, that's for sure.

spk_0:   54:31
You've been through some pretty tough spots. Have you ever thought about doing something that you did it?

spk_1:   54:35
Not until recently. And I still don't think I think walking suicide, doting a I will be loved down. I never had the patient pop up shop. I've always wondered why. Why? My dad couldn't fucking viewership. I had some fucked up shit to do with it. Massively long prison sentences. So what pretty one sided fights Where? I didn't know if I was working with live or not. And it didn't even cross my mind not to go and show up work like it was. You couldn't slow me down. I mean, like, I was going so bad one time this six guys came to get me, and two of them get behind me like one. They're gonna fucking do something if I decided to fucking move right. I started working. Exit the situation. I'm going and to like, you fucking need to fucking corral me in for this year. I mean, I walked right in the middle six, right? And I didn't mean that when I got the fuck up. What point being used to hand if I hurry up behind me to get into the fucking right? Our Lord unit with the other four. Not that kind of shit. I can't help. What if I feel some type of harm around me, real or imagined? Until I figured out, I feel it's riel, and I feel this need to protect myself with anger usually. And so I act up. It's usually so automatic that you're going to see that I was anxious first. Does Mr So know that after you, Christian, What was

spk_0:   56:08
she added? And what? What do you think? Does it make you feel better? Tell these stories or get things off your chest? Though

spk_1:   56:15
I've never done it like this. You've been bugging me to do something like this forever. How long was locked up? Well, I tell stories with friends and stuff. I think I've always just been like a I like that story. I use my head. I remember stuff and maybe it for me. Good for me to bend, Maybe. I don't know. I know all the emotions. Every time I share a story of something happened with me, I Look, I experience it all over again. Like the emotions all there again. You know, I'm not going through. They're gonna come there. There's just writing. I've dealt with shipper. Haven't dealt with it healthy. I don't know. I'm like what people say. We gotta work on ship because I also know, You know, I'll be sad. I'm talking about my dad's that I was like, if I remember fucking not sad when I'm talking about how my dad died. What the fuck is wrong. You know, I don't ever want to be a talk more Surely die not feeling right. But that doesn't mean I would work it out. See, I'm saying, but, uh, I

spk_0:   57:23
guess I'm not going to gloss over when you see it. We talked about suicide, and you thought your thoughts about it recently.

spk_1:   57:30
So I wasn't interval killing yourself for nothing. But I was feeling so fucked up. Broke this life in shit. It is weird. Like it's a great I'm, you know, I'm doing pretty good money, right? Better than I've done. You see, I've been a fucking disaster laying on the sidewalk what can get in the hospital dying because they can't fucking face me. I mean, I'm thinking old time there thinking I'm in a hospital. I'm getting better. It's just cause I'm assuming what? Sparking morphine. I can't hear myself. And, like, nudity for the first half might stay there. I was dying, but they wouldn't tell my my reach workers and stuff wouldn't tell me. They didn't want me to know. But so I've been in worse places and never thought off Walker kill myself. I'm just gonna get more high recently after working so hard on everything and my daughter and shit, I just want to heal to a certain point. The good thing about that is that I can't just go back to what I was before. I used to be worried About what? My fucking the ship again. I mean, I have a certain way, right, Grandma Aral Sea or something on our role. I remember someone telling me No, no, once you feel the suit. But that's your pupil. To this point, I hurt yourself again and stuff, but you're mean and I've already and I got it, and it's true. But the downside of that is the more I heal, the more I appreciate when I start hurting myself again or doing something wrong now raise like I know I can appreciate it. Lots. I can appreciate where I'm about to lose. I can appreciate what might becoming like the painting of it or what? No eso. Anyways, So I was having a loan recently, working a few months ago, breaking up with the girlfriend, she going sideways with work. She coincide with friendships. I was thinking fucked up shit, right? I just remember thinking, you know, not remember to kill myself. I remember feeling so low. I remember thinking, wondering what is This is My dad was beating, Consists of my dad was booming. He gave six is pretty fucking low, but still didn't work. But that's the closest I've come to visit. I've been well enough there. I don't steal in the wind like that. Nothing. I can't kill it. Or what could walk away from it or something. You're going to me one. But nothing is so bad that you got a guy. I don't know why he

spk_0:   1:0:11
because you said to me two years ago when? Well, I guess it was around that time when you're on the streets and you're at a pretty low point, you said, I mean, they're gonna kill me, kill myself. I'm gonna kill this person That's inside me at the moment. And that was kind of your addiction.

spk_1:   1:0:24
Yeah, well, I used to have the screams at you when I was using, because, like I did use to the point where I was dying, right. I was physically dying. I was overdosing about once a week. I was getting to the point where everybody in the hospital knew me. Nurses fucking people with moss doctors. Everybody's up. Not just my outreach workers. Everybody's out. Which recur, everybody fucking I was just dropping, dropping, dropping, And I don't know how the fuck I stay alive, right? I just every time I was lucky or not, someone working saw someone got me is like, I got friends are Dad. And they only maybe pushed the envelope once to three times and didn't get the brought back. And here I am, dropping like, fucking crazy. I keep getting brought back and I can't forget a fucking sing. I'm not any fucking stupider. If anything, I'm better for. And after I meant why the more I was doing in the more pain I felt like, you know, I was going through. I'm all, like, fucking I'm really doing enough that I mean, that fucking shield, the part of me that fucking you're all fucked up. And it's really because I would like I overdosed. Like, where I was, like, done a few times, one of these times, like and I'm not talking very like, uh, this is the last three, but I'm not talking like I'm over doors, and I'm gonna have a good sleep when they decide to. Nor can you walk up my high? No. This is where they're walking away from me. We wrote me off and are working on this driver. Breathe back in this situation, I guess I had fucking done so much work myself up so bad. Did not can be Nor can me. I don't know so stuff after the Ammons driver had used up all his Nor can on me keeping me better keeping Teoh to the hospital. But I guess he had managed to keep me alive to the hospital and, uh and then the doctors and stuff, I guess they gave me an adrenaline adrenaline shot like, Not just our the normal, Nor can shots with the giving of jail in shock. I guess it still was too late. And it didn't work either. And what? I'm out right now. I don't find it. Always stuff later. And so then I just think there's a doctor walk. Well done. All this is speculation. I mean, this really did happen. Why? I'm speculating. And then almonds driver, right? So I didn't even get me to the hospital. This is over there working on the radio doorman coming to the hospital right there. That's why I came to All right. So I guess the ominous driver ran over and kept working on me, right? It's not, I guess he became so emotion invested me. I mean, they're bringing guys in Provo where does all the time, because for some reason, he was He ran over when kept doing shit to me. And then I guess, whatever he was doing got the adrenaline catch. When was that adrenaline part you got? The North cancer. And then Boof hops back and take this like, intense and see the doctor and the nurse here. Everything everybody see air felt like cold Jello. Like if someone moved their hand near me, I could feel it somehow. Long as like, I could feel you mean going through like a shears ing. That was all the adrenaline. But there was also a sense of having just been, like, really far away Not far really distance. Not for a really cool I'm getting close to heaven. But just a sense of when I came back. Like I had just been really far away somewhere. You know what I mean? That's very guy. Just there's a sense of I was farming and I'm here, That's all. That's no way late. Slew Buckle that a day after the nurses talking. And I hear the nerve saying to the doctors, I'm surprised it worked in stuff. And then, naturally, if I know from outreach, who has been to the whole time crying sunny wow, problems Stop has been happy to be right. And, uh, as that's one of my overdoses, right? We're walking. I was fucked it up. And when I came back from that, I remember So they kept me in the hospital for a little bit. They would kick me out sometimes, like they do not count me in the ambulance. By the time I got to the hospital, I was already fucking half back to normal on they just give me the one over. Keep me back. Okay. Right. Uh, this time they let me stay in there and talking about doing so much and just hope I'm gonna go and feel like you're part of me. After that happened that time, I've just felt better. Like I felt like a part of me bad in this could all just be, like, all made up in my head like 100% probably could mean, Probably always, just like in my head, I just no better and just more healed and less angry and distressed really just lets her just I just felt better somehow I don't know how to describe it like that. All things are going to be better now. We're just, like, no more hope, maybe stretch up. We're hopeful myself, and it's happened two or three times. And lo and behold, I fucking went until fucking will spell off like I went until you can't get more dead. I mean, I ended up in the fucking hospital with fucking three tubes in me, pumping medicine me and sucking fucking poison. Oh, loan collapsed, Ready for fucking dead. I mean, I went as far as I could, and then just stop and remember even telling my always worker, I said Sunday, I'm done, and that's using all happy yourself. She's done amazing, awesome human being. She saved my life for sure. Uh what? Uh and then since then I've been I have struggling ship and I've had some seer servers I've got off for way less The mistress has been happened to me lately and I've had way less to lose. And the fear ruse. It sometimes makes me go up right now I'm doing the best ever have. So my fear of losing everything should be the highest. And I've been taking some serious hits, like with Work and China Fucking relationships. And Stockman's like, all in love with the most awesome person in the most for my traumas This is one of the servant for my traumas. She's the most triggering person to me. I think I could ever be around. So we better break up. But looking Uh huh.

spk_0:   1:7:26
I had to bring it back to that. But that's almost what you did. Situation. So, uh, as far as as far as women.

spk_1:   1:7:34
Yeah, Yeah, I know. Lot of repeating history. Yeah,

spk_0:   1:7:39
the reason

spk_1:   1:7:41
Yeah, you're now route. I'm better now. Yeah, but in my head I heard so much city stuff happen. The try and convince me that no more city stuff is gonna happen triggers me because the thought of letting my guard down when there's so much fucking danger. Still, you're really stuff that can happen go wrong That it would trigger me. An example of that I get more simpler form is. Before I started using that, I had an exact department. I was afraid of what was gonna happen, and I was getting angry to try and deal with it. Right? And so you should try and tell me the count to 10. Teoh, calm down. Always trying to take make anger go away. And this would trigger me more and make me blow up more. Why? Because why not being angry and with me, then brings me back in my place of anxiousness. We're not back in place. Okay, well, the threat is still fucking here and telling me to calm down is panicking me Because I know I can't come down. I got to do with this. They didn't tell me to calm down When I started telling myself, It's OK. You're okay. Let's see. Womb anger of the criminal gone and something like that took me fucking 25 fucking years to learn Grow And it fucking saved me so much Spotting grief where my whole life was so busy trying to just not get fucking angry. You're I mean, I could never fucking do it. I'll tell you about that. People. How I came to learn that shit. I mean, nearly chaff. Now, I didn't need to be in a maximum security prison in the fucking hole waiting to get shoot package because I couldn't put my shit together. You mean now? It sounds like I could make it all the way. The minimum security, which I did without any blowups. I used to get read the riot act and shit in the kitchen because there were gonna start right up growing up in there all the time, working in the sports bills, constantly growing up. Yeah, you know me. Cost me having to do a conference mentions of me blowing up all the time, right? Because of me perceiving threats around me all time, I'd be like, super hyper working, alert and working. I'm making sure there's no threats anywhere. And that would constantly trigger me, right? And then I would act very aggressive, very rigid, very like, you know, all the time. And it was only because I was trying to keep everything safe. Me and everyone around me. And that's why I give a prison I was seeing all times I've gotten show because of friends. Same thing. If I thought a friend was in trouble, I panicked. You know, to me, it seems that would be like with my little sister or something. Your enemy? Um, sometimes I'll act up worse because of friends in trouble. Then I will for myself, because if it's myself as they go, I can dismiss a certain amount of shit, right? But it's hard for me to Mr Smith stuff where it's happened to my friend come from all the way. So nothing fucked up can happen through. But I can't trust these fucking guys. After I leave, they're gonna fucking do something like my head just takes off on me. Right? But it's always every time that you what? I went to the pen. I want to depend for shooting a friend that was getting fucking beat up. Just happened between the Robert same day trying to protect people. All my violence is always trying to protect you. Everyone I've ever got into a fight with. I said to them, and I mean, I wish you everything was recorded. Me working. I've always said to people something to try and defuse the situation. Stop don't want to do this. Realise something, they don't. Listen, I got a fucking blow up and then also listen, But now I gotta deal the consequence. Who's my job? Uh, use a relationship they take out of something. What? Go to prison. Get going to the hole. Constant bucking. Prosek winces for other people. Spoke up shit, the way they act towards me. Trigger me. But I can't expect people fucking treat me good. Of course, that's premature. But when I was young, I didn't get that. Of course. And so I was constantly being triggered by fucked up people around me and the places I were were really fucked up. People living on the streets, you know? I mean, young offender, what can shoot like that? Construction states

spk_0:   1:12:00
thrown people So opposes this

spk_1:   1:12:06
guy holding. Yeah, Alright, that's enough for the jazzing up the wall because he was wrong And the total I'm a state road. I'm like a really aggressive steak. All right?

spk_0:   1:12:24
I like that. I'm a really aggressive ST um All right, Thanks. So this might

spk_1:   1:12:32
all right, brought us prequels. Awesome. Thank you.

spk_0:   1:12:35
So there we have it, folks. The first episode with the agrees of ST himself. Um, the first episode of Plain English. I tried to warn you guys, there's some pretty rough stories in there and unbelievable stories. And and, you know, Squire Michael Oculus has gone through. Would you touch on a lot of things like suicide? And it is important to get to the listener if if anyone is battling with addiction or suicide, there is help out there, especially suicide. Um, you know, it does affect a lot of a lot of young people. I guess they're saying that is the most sobering for me is, um if you were to do an act like that, you know, getting rid of the pain, you're simply just moving it on to someone else. And And that's what you can hear Gillis his voice as well. So if you're feeling down, reach out for help. Have a word to a friend. Don't be too proud. We will have a lower moments. Thank you again for listening to the first episode of Plan English. If you like this absurd he liked the idea of this podcast in science is gonna be some pretty crazy stories coming up. Please share it with your friends on. So for meteor healthy, spread that word on the next tape. So we talking to Gillis about his mom, which can already tell, is a pretty negative figure in his life. He's got a lot of stories. Thanks for joining us, and we'll see next planing.