PICKY EATERS—MY KID ONLY EATS 5 THINGS

PICKY EATERS—MY KID ONLY EATS 5 THINGS

TODAY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT PICKY EATERS.

WHY IS THIS SUCH A HARD TOPIC?

WE HAVE THIS DISSONANCE—A GAP BETWEEN WHAT PARENTS WANT FOR THEIR KIDS AND WHAT THE KIDS ARE CHOOSING

IT IS ONE THING TO HAVE SOME TOUGH LOVE OVER CLEANING ROOMS AND DOING CHORES AND QUITE ANOTHER TO HAVE POWER STRUGGLES OVER WHAT THEY EAT.

WHY DO YOU THINK THE ISSUE OF BEING A PICKY EATER IS SO VISCERAL AS PARENTS—WHY THEY WANT SO HARD TO GET IT RIGHT?

WHERE DOES THIS VIEW ORIGINATE FROM?

WHERE THE MOM CUTS THE ENDS OFF THE ROAST AND THE DAD ASKS “WHY” AND THE QUESTION WORKS IT’S WAY BACK TO HER MOTHER AND THEN EVENTUALLY HER GRANDMOTHER WHO CUT THE ENDS OFF THE ROAST BECAUSE THAT IS HOW IT FIT IN HER LITTLE OVEN.

BECAUSE GRANDMA OR FURTHER BACK CAME FROM A DEPRESSION-ERA INFLUENCE WHERE THEY HAD FOOD SCARCITY AND UNCERTAINTY, THE VALUES PASSED DOWN AROUND EATING ARE MUCH MORE STOIC IN HAVING TO EAT WHAT IS FRONT OF YOU BECAUSE THERE WERE NO CHOICES

BUT ISN’T IT IMPORTANT TO HELP KIDS EXPAND THEIR PALATE TO INCLUDE A WIDE VARIETY OF FOODS TO HELP THEM BE HEALTHY?

HOW DO WE MAKE A PARADIGM SHIFT?

HOW DO WE HELP A MOTHER WHO FEELS PRESSURE TO KEEP UP THE BATTLE?

WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS WITH BATTLES OVER FOOD?

HOW DO WE KEEP THEM HEALTHY?

Start with making your only rule—No tears at the table.

NICE MOTTO, BUT WHAT IS THE METHOD TO HELPING PICKY EATERS BE HEALTHY?

THERE WILL BE SOME OVERLAP BETWEEN THEIR CIRCLES THAT MIGHT BE COMPROMISE FOODS LIKE CHICKEN NUGGETS, PEANUT BUTTER AND HONEY SANDWICHES, MAC AND CHEESE AND YOGURT

SO YOU HAVE TACOS FOR DINNER, THE CHILD HATES TACOS, WHAT DO YOU DO?  ARE YOU ASKING PARENTS TO MAKE DIFFERENT MEALS FOR EACH CHILD?

THEN THEY ALL SIT DOWN AS A FAMILY TO EAT TOGETHER—MOST WITH THEIR TACOS AND ONE WITH HIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH.

WHICH BRINGS UP A GOOD POINT: WILL GIVING LATITUDE TO ONE CHILD AFFECT OTHER KIDS?

DO YOU TELL PEOPLE TO EVEN FORCE KIDS TO TRY ONE BITE OF SOMETHING?

WILL THEY EVENTUALLY GET BETTER?

THEY WILL EAT MORE FOODS SOONER IF YOU DON’T FIGHT ABOUT IT.

WHAT ARE THE MINIMAL GOALS FOR EATING?  YOU TALK ABOUT MILK, MEAT, AND MULTIVITAMINS REGULARLY

ANY COMMENT ABOUT EATING FREQUENCY

IS THIS HARD TO DO AT SCHOOL

DO YOU GET MUCH PUSHBACK ON THIS

ANY GOOD BOOKS ON THIS TOPIC

Jessica Seinfeld: Deceptively Delicious—getting your children to eat wholesome food

Transcript

PICKY EATERS—MY KID ONLY EATS 5 THINGS

TODAY WE ARE TALKING ABOUT PICKY EATERS.

WHY IS THIS SUCH A HARD TOPIC

I think because it goes to the core of everything we feel about our job as parents—to help our kids be healthy and thrive and a picky eater is choosing not to eat foods that we feel are the best for them.  And we feel if we don’t push hard on this then they will be entitled kids the rest of their lives—not doing what we feel is best for them

SO WE HAVE THIS DISSONANCE—A GAP BETWEEN WHAT PARENTS WANT FOR THEIR KIDS AND WHAT THE KIDS ARE CHOOSING

I say often that you cannot control two things about kids—their mouths or their bottoms.  We talked about constipation last episode and here we talk about the difficulty helping kids make good choices about what goes in their mouths.

SO IT IS ONE THING TO HAVE SOME TOUGH LOVE OVER CLEANING ROOMS AND DOING CHORES AND QUITE ANOTHER TO HAVE POWER STRUGGLES OVER WHAT THEY EAT.

I have had patients long ago during residency that I saw with feeding tubes in because they had such an oral aversion—PTSD to even the thought about eating—because of such conflict over food

WHY DO YOU THINK THE ISSUE OF BEING A PICKY EATER IS SO VISCERAL AS PARENTS—WHY THEY WANT SO HARD TO GET IT RIGHT?

My patients have wonderful parents who love their children and want the best for them and they view having power struggles, battles over food that involves the kids crying at the table, as part of their job as parents to make sure kids eat everything

WHERE DOES THIS VIEW ORIGINATE FROM?

Do you remember the analogy of the holiday roast from quite a few episodes back?

WHERE THE MOM CUTS THE ENDS OFF THE ROAST AND THE DAD ASKS “WHY” AND THE QUESTION WORKS IT’S WAY BACK TO HER MOTHER AND THEN EVENTUALLY HER GRANDMOTHER WHO CUT THE ENDS OFF THE ROAST BECAUSE THAT IS HOW IT FIT IN HER LITTLE OVEN.

Right, there is a tradition passed down but the current generation doesn’t even know why they kept the tradition.  I think that the great parents I work with had great parents who made them cry over eating peas or something else before they could leave the table.  They love their parents and feel that great parenting involves forcing your kids to eat stuff even if it creates conflict—sometimes pathological conflict that parents don’t feel good about.

SO BECAUSE GRANDMA OR FURTHER BACK CAME FROM A DEPRESSION-ERA INFLUENCE WHERE THEY HAD FOOD SCARCITY AND UNCERTAINTY, THE VALUES PASSED DOWN AROUND EATING ARE MUCH MORE STOIC IN HAVING TO EAT WHAT IS FRONT OF YOU BECAUSE THERE WERE NO CHOICES

Exactly.  We are doing the same thing, but the environment has changed where there are choices to be healthy

BUT ISN’T IT IMPORTANT TO HELP KIDS EXPAND THEIR PALATE TO INCLUDE A WIDE VARIETY OF FOODS TO HELP THEM BE HEALTHY?

Yes, that is the goal—to model and encourage a wide variety of healthy foods.

But what we’re talking about is the fight and battles and tears over foods that makes every meal time something to be feared

HOW DO WE MAKE A PARADIGM SHIFT?

Important to acknowledge that we are trying to keep our kids healthy and this is how we were raised and had eating time modeled and want to do the same for our kids.  The difference is that it may have worked for them but it is not working for their child in their family.  Sometimes it is one parent that feels more strongly about it than the other and that creates some conflict.  Good to have a conversation to say that we want to have a more positive experience at meal times

HOW DO WE HELP A MOTHER WHO FEELS PRESSURE TO KEEP UP THE BATTLE?

Making a transparent and open choice to have a positive experience.  Say I am choosing to help my children enjoy meal time together—that our time around the table will be positive.  

I choose to have our family enjoy being together so that the kids look forward to it instead of being afraid of this experience.  We are not giving up, we are choosing something else.

No food shaming is part of this decision.

WHAT ARE THE PROBLEMS WITH BATTLES OVER FOOD?

Some kids will fail to thrive because they aren’t getting enough calories for their growing bodies if they only get a few bites of something and nothing more.  

HOW DO WE KEEP THEM HEALTHY?

Start with making your only rule—No tears at the table.

NICE MOTTO, BUT WHAT IS THE METHOD TO HELPING PICKY EATERS BE HEALTHY?

Let’s start with talking about Ven diagrams.

Parents have a circle that includes healthy foods—fruits, vegetables, proteins, and other whole foods.

Kids have a circle that includes ice cream, cookies, chips, and candy.

See where I am going with this?

YES—AND THERE WILL BE SOME OVERLAP BETWEEN THEIR CIRCLES THAT MIGHT BE COMPROMISE FOODS LIKE CHICKEN NUGGETS, PEANUT BUTTER AND HONEY SANDWICHES, MAC AND CHEESE AND YOGURT

Exactly—the foods in the overlapping parts of the Ven diagram are where we start—what things are the parents okay with that the kids also like.  It may not be the ideal food a parent wants their child to eat, but it is not just oreos and chips that we are giving into

SO YOU HAVE TACOS FOR DINNER, THE CHILD HATES TACOS, WHAT DO YOU DO?  ARE YOU ASKING PARENTS TO MAKE DIFFERENT MEALS FOR EACH CHILD?

No.  I don’t want a parent to be a short-order cook—taking an order for each child.  Most of the kids are going to be great with the food.  But the pathologically picky child can make their own peanut butter sandwich or warm up chicken nuggets—whatever is on the approve list for them that parent and child has agreed on when there is a food the child doesn’t like.

Other foods for calories can be whatever you feel comfortable buying for them (sandwiches, yogurt, dino nuggets, etc.) and make sure to offer a food at each meal that they enjoy and that you are okay with at every meal

THEN THEY ALL SIT DOWN AS A FAMILY TO EAT TOGETHER—MOST WITH THEIR TACOS AND ONE WITH HIS PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH.

And this still happens on occasion when you and Mom make extra healthy meals, a greek salad or something—the air fryer is pretty busy with pizza roles or chicken nuggets from the boys even the ones that aren’t that picky.

WHICH BRINGS UP A GOOD POINT: WILL GIVING LATITUDE TO ONE CHILD AFFECT OTHER KIDS?

No, remember that these kids have some deep seated texture or taste issue.  The other kids are mostly fine.  This isn’t a parent’s fault—you didn’t do something wrong that created this problem.  Most of the kids are fine with various textures and foods—they want to eat the tacos and spaghetti and hamburgers.

DO YOU TELL PEOPLE TO EVEN FORCE KIDS TO TRY ONE BITE OF SOMETHING?

I recommend not forcing child to eat a certain amount of each food.  It is still a fight even if it is a small fight—easy to escalate.  Love the child more than the goal of making them eat something.

WILL THEY EVENTUALLY GET BETTER?

Yes.  If you don’t fight about food, they won’t view trying a new food as a zero sum game—that if they eat that food it is a competition where Mom wins and they lose.  If you offer and provide access and loving encouragement they will come around to eating most foods.  They will try things at friends houses and add to their repertoire and surprise you.

THEY WILL EAT MORE FOODS SOONER IF YOU DON’T FIGHT ABOUT IT.

Yes.  And I have had parents thank me for helping them pull back from the ingrained expectations they have for forcing foods and have seen their kids grow into a wide variety of foods.

One side comment off the topic—little kids should be able to really explore their food—get food on their head and smear it on themselves without having us get worried about the mess—it is part of their food exploration.

SO WHAT ARE THE MINIMAL GOALS FOR EATING?  YOU TALK ABOUT MILK, MEAT, AND MULTIVITAMINS REGULARLY

Yes

Minimal goals are:

At least 2 servings of milk daily (a serving is either 8 oz of milk, 2 pieces of string cheese, or a whole yogurt)

At least their fist size quantity of meat over the entire week, may have more if you want

and do one-two gummy vitamin(s) once daily based on their age

Or, do 1/2-1 chewable vitamin(s) once daily if they prefer

Daily fiber--1-2 teaspoons, up to 1-2 tablespoons, of benefiber if needed for hard stool

I do this for any children where we worry about missing out on certain vitamins or fiber in foods due to pickiness etc.

ANY COMMENT ABOUT EATING FREQUENCY

We will talk about general nutrition another time but…

Hobbit eating plan—first and second breakfast, first and second lunch, etc.

IS THIS HARD TO DO AT SCHOOL

It can be—some kids are going 4-5 hours between meals which sets them up for headaches, stomach aches and poor performance at school, mimicking ADHD sometimes.

These kids are growing, they are active, they have a good metabolism—burning the candle at three ends and they need to eat often during the school day—I recommend after each recess and not before recess because they will always choose playing over eating.  Also they should play first at lunch and then come in and eat lunch—too many school have food first and the child has the misguided incentive to eat as little as possible to get as much play time as possible—this schedule should be reversed.

DO YOU GET MUCH PUSHBACK ON THIS

No.  Most teachers and parents have a great relationship to facilitate a concern a parent may have about their child by letting them eat during a non-intrusive time where it won’t interrupt the academic schedule during the day.  But I am happy to write a note to support a parent’s ask for their child.

ANY GOOD BOOKS ON THIS TOPIC

Jessica Seinfeld: Deceptively Delicious—getting your children to eat wholesome food