Episode 1: Introducing The Suicidal Man

Welcome to Episode 1 of my mental health podcast. I'm Kerry Lawless and in this episode I'll be telling you about what I'm trying to do with The Suicidal Man Podcast. I'll also tell you a bit about the inspiration behind the name, I'll introduce myself properly (since you've probably never heard of me!) and offer up a few simple suggestions for looking after our mental health. I'm hoping you'll join me for a new podcast which values honesty, openness and vulnerability. Thanks for checking it out and I hope you find it useful. 

Transcript

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Let's explore the value of being vulnerable. They're the kinds of challenges that people have to deal with all the time. Let's get comfortable with being uncomfortable. What are the big challenges that you've had to face before? I want to open up a conversation around mental health. Hi there. Welcome to the Suicidal Man Podcast. Thanks for joining me. My name is Kerry Lawless and yeah, I hope you'll stick with me for the next while as we embark on some adventures in negative space. So this is a mental health podcast where I'm hoping that we can explore topics and themes that are, you know, maybe a bit challenging at times, maybe things that people find uncomfortable to talk about. But, you know, I'm hoping that we can get comfortable talking about that stuff. And I suppose with that in mind, I decided to call the podcast The Suicidal Man because it's a name that you know I can identify with. It's something I've worked with people around over the years. I've worked with people who've been in that head space. I've been in that headspace myself on more than one occasion. So I thought that it was a good starting point. I'm glad it didn't put you off. Maybe some of you tuned in because you can relate. I know from talking to people about doing this podcast, you know, talking to friends of mine that, yeah, I was quite surprised at the amount of people that said 'yeah, I had that thought, too. I've been in that space too.' So I'm I'm guessing that there's going to be quite a few out there that have probably felt like that at times or know people who felt like that at times. And so I want to just kind of name it you know, and let's just kind of get a bit more comfortable with with looking at what are the things that that cause people to feel that way? So in the podcast, I'm going to shine a light on things that we can be nervous talking about, that we're scared off or this stuff that we like to avoid. You know, the stuff that we don't want to be looking at. And just try and get comfortable with being honest and open and maybe a bit vulnerable, you know, basically, let's see if we can get comfortable with being uncomfortable because, you know, really, in my experience, if you want to work on your mental health, if you want to improve your mental health, you've got to start by being comfortable with the uncomfortable. But anyway, I'll explain that a bit more later on, so I'm not going to be doing all this on my own. I'm gonna have guests in along the way. And there might be a lot of people that you've never heard of, not necessarily well known figures or experts or public personalities, but people that I've come across or that I think would be really interesting to talk to and who will hopefully be willing and ready to kind of share some of their own adventures in negative space with us here because I'm a big believer in talking big believer in listening to people because I think that's how we learn from each other. I think that's where the greatest value is so and yeah, I'm hoping to have some really interesting conversations on here. There'll also be social media, so you can check out The Suicidal Man on Twitter on Instagram, and yeah, get involved in the conversation. You know, send me, send me your questions and your stories, em, send me any ideas of things that you think you'd like covered on here and, you know, I suppose let's get a conversation going, because that's what I'm trying to do here. You know, I want us to have a conversation. I want to open up the conversation in this country around mental health and really just get comfortable with it in a way that is useful for people, you know. So as it's the first episode, I'm going to tell you a bit more about where the name of the podcast came from, The Suicidal Man and I'll also give you a little bit of my personal and professional background. I'm not a well known figure. You've possibly never heard me, so yeah, least they could do is introduce myself properly. And finally, I'm going to just share a few simple tips on maybe just how to have to look after yourself. You know, when I had the idea for this podcast a few months ago, I had no idea that I'd be recording it on releasing it in the midst of, well, I suppose probably one of the most negative spaces that the world has ever been in. And this whole lock down that were in the whole Coronavirus situation, um, yeah. Look, I had no idea that was coming down the tracks. And you know, it's affected so many of us mentally, financially, physically, in terms of, there's a lot of loneliness out there. There's a lot of uncertainty, you know, work situations have bean thrown into chaos. You know, all that stuff that we're we're we're we're all dealing with right now and I suppose what strikes me about it is that, you know, a lot of that stuff is stuff that goes on in life anyway. You know, they're the kinds of challenges that people have to meet all the time. But I suppose the difference now is that more of us are having to deal with more of those challenges at the same time. So, you know, I just really want to acknowledge that and I'm thinking of you all out there. I'm thinking of all the people who are struggling and I hope that you know, that something that I do here on that we can do together here will be of some value. So let me tell you a little bit about where the idea for the podcast came from originally, it was about three months ago and I was, yeah, I was having a hard time. Not for the first time and I was feeling a bit lost. I was struggling with financial stuff. I was struggling with work stuff and I was a bit all over the place, and I just kind of felt like I needed to do something a bit different. I've been interested in mental health for a long time. I've worked in the area professionally, and I've struggled with it personally and I've learned a few things along the way. And when I was talking to a friend of mine about how I was feeling he suggested that maybe it might be worth doing a podcast and just sharing some of that stuff and getting a conversation going. And like I mentioned earlier, there was times in the past where I have felt suicidal. You know, I've had those thoughts and I have worked with people who have been in that space. So I suppose I just realised that, you know,  it's more common than we think, and if I could get comfortable talking about it and just own the fact that at times when, you know, I really struggle that those are the kinds of thoughts that I have and rather than trying to change them, rather than trying to fix, them rather than trying to avoid them, if I could just get comfortable with it. So that was kind of where the idea came from. I just said, right, I'm going to get comfortable in this space. I'm going to get comfortable with the fact that sometimes I am the suicidal man and that's where the name came from, I suppose, because I've been thinking about a podcast, wasn't sure what angle to take on it when I thought the name the suicidal man. I just thought, right, that's the name I'm gonna have to call it. Which I'll be honest, scared the shit out of me. I thought that was possibly a bit much. I thought it might put people off, but if you're listening than I guess it didn't and maybe it resonates in some way. And I just felt I had to yeah, practise what I preach, own it, use it, embrace it and christen my podcast the suicidal man. So, like I said earlier, I would introduce myself a bit better and tell you a little bit about myself, hopefully without going on too much. So I suppose I would say that I've been working in the trenches for much of the last 15 years. You know, I've been working with a lot of people groups in different settings that have bean struggling. I worked in a youth project in Dublin for eight years, working with young people and their families. I worked as a mediator, specialising in in working with separating couples, which some would say is about the toughest kind of mediation there is. And I'm currently working as a mediator and a trainer with a Traveller organisation. So we would do a lot of work in the traveller community on various disputes and also training in in mediation and conflict resolution skills, including doing a lot of work in prisons around the country and working with prisoners and just trying to, you know, help guys deal with conflict in a healthier way in a less destructive way. I've also worked on a variety of mental health programmes over the years, including a suicide prevention programme which was focused mainly on men. It was well, it was exclusively for men, so I would have worked on that as a coordinator and a manager for a few years and working with men with guys from, you know, from all backgrounds from all walks of life. So there was a lot of ah valuable learning on that for me as much as I hope for the guys who were doing the programme and, you know? I mean, all the work that I've done over the years is what I'm bringing to this podcast. In terms of what I've learned from the people that I've worked with and I suppose some of the stuff that I would have been sharing with them and working with them around. In turns my personal background. I grew up in Dublin, even though I was actually born in Czechoslovakia. Not that you could tell from my accent. I came here when I was too, but yeah, I grew up in Dublin and I suppose, would have bean bullied quite a bit as a kid, and both because I wasn't considered Irish at the time because I was born abroad. And I suppose my name didn't help Kerry. It's a name associated more with girls than with guys. So yeah, that didn't help things. And I was also sexually abused when I was a boy. So that's something that I have spoken about publicly before, and I'm sure it'll be coming up again in future episodes if if I feel that it's relevant to any of the topics that I'm talking about. I was married. I divorced. I have two children, one of whom, as a baby, had a lot of serious, I suppose, life threatening and lifesaving open heart surgeries. He was born with a fairly serious heart condition, But I'm delighted to say he's a big, fine, strapping young fella now, and there's not a bother on him. But, yeah, that was a pretty intense experience, which I suppose taught me a lot about stress management and a whole bunch of other things. So again I'll be bringing all that to the table and, yeah, I mean, I've dealt with redundancy and unemployment, a job I was in a few years ago we lost our funding, and I found myself unemployed for for longer than was comfortable. So yeah, financial difficulty and hardship is definitely something I'm familiar with also. And, you know, I mean, I'm just I'm telling you all this because this is what I'm bringing to the table. You know, I've bean through a lot personally, I've been through a lot professionally and I think there's a lot of value in it. I hope there is. I hope you find some value in it in me, maybe talking about some of it and sharing some of it with you on. Like I said earlier, I hope that you will share some of your experiences too and that we can all learn from your input because, you know, that's what I want here. I want this to be a two way conversation, and it's why I'm gonna have guests on to have conversations with. And I just want us to, you know, maybe listen to each other and hopefully learn from each other and recognise that, you know, we probably have far more in common than we think. I think if there's anything that I've learned from working with so many different people in so many different places over the years, it's that, you know, really, we do all have pretty much the same basic needs as people, you know. We all want connection. We all want love. We all want to feel a sense of security and safety and belonging. Some of us want a sense of purpose as well, I think that's something that, actually a lot of people find important. So that's how I want to approach the topics on this show. I mean, I'm a guy and obviously, I'm going to be coming from a male perspective. The show was called The Suicidal Man, but it's not just for men and I hope that women will listen. I hope women will get involved too. You know, we all have to deal with mental health stuff, whether we're male or female. So this's not show exclusively for men, even though I will be talking to a lot of men on the programme. So yeah, I hope all of that makes sense. I hope you've got a better idea of who the hell it is you're listening to here. I hope I've introduced myself properly. And if you have any questions, feel free to fire them in my direction. I said earlier that I was going to offer a few maybe tips or pieces of what I hope will be maybe useful advice here, you know, given well, not just given the current situation, because, like I said, you know, the kind of issues people are dealing with now are issues that people I have to deal with all the time. You know, it's just more heightened, right now, it's more prevalent. There's more people at the same time having to deal with those issues. But I you know, I was kind of thinking what would be useful just as a starting point in terms of offering some advice that might be helpful. The first thing I would say is trying keep perspective. Perspective is very important. What perspective is is it's the lens through which you look at the world on. It's the angle at which you look at things. So while there's a lot of talk about, you know, how serious the current situation is on a global scale, the planet has faced bigger challenges. The world's population has faced more dangerous challenges than is currently the case. You know, even in Ireland, I suppose I was thinking about the famine and 160 years ago, the catastrophic events that unfolded here during the famine and the loss of life, and the loss of livelihood and the economic impact, the social impact, all of that, you know, So we're not looking at that right now, and I think that's important to remember. I know that, and that's not to say that it's going to be challenging and that it already is challenging for people. But I think it is important that we keep some kind of perspective and because, you know, you turn on the news and it's all bad. And we need something to balance that out. I think perspective can help with that. And even at a personal level, I think if you were to think about your life so far, you have probably faced harder challenges than you're facing right now. If you look at your past, what are the big challenges that you've had to face before? You know, whether it was financial stuff, relationship, work, Whatever it is, I think if you were to take a few minutes and just think about your past and what you've bean through, you'll probably find that, you know, compared to where you're at right now, you quite possibly have been through worse, you know? And I know that might not be the case for everyone, but I do think it's worth thinking about because we forget. Sometimes we forget the tough stuff that we've been through, and we forget how we dealt with the hard times that we've had before and when we forget that, then it's of less value to us, you know, whereas if we can remember what we did, how we coped, just the fact that we actually got through it, that we survived, then that could be really useful when we're faced with fresh challenges, which a lot of us are right now. The thing about perspective too is your perspective on something is gonna have a massive impact on your thoughts, your feelings and your behaviour in relation to it. And I suppose that I would have really seen that in action a lot in my work as a mediator. And just for those you who might not be familiar with what a mediator does, a mediator basically works with people who are in dispute, who are in conflict in some shape or form. And you as a mediator, you help them to have a discussion and explore options, ideas and hopefully come up with an agreement themselves. You know, as a mediator, you're not there to tell people what to do. You're not there to give suggestions. You're just there to try and help them communicate effectively and, you know, in order to do that a big part of doing that is helping people try and see things from the other person's perspective. When we're in conflict, we tend to have tunnel vision. We only see things from our own point of view. From our own perspective. You know, 'I'm right. You're wrong.' That's pretty much how every conflict starts, so as part of the mediation process, I would do a lot of work with people about trying to get them to try and see things from different perspectives, not only from the other side's perspective but also from a variety of perspectives. You know, there's that cliche that every argument there's just two sides of an argument and then there's the truth. And you know, it's a nice little phrase and sometimes it's true, but in my experience, there's usually a lot of perspectives to any argument. There's more than just two and the truth is, you know, the truth is very subjective. It's very rare that you come across an absolute truth. So in terms of us and shaping our perspective, it's very important to remember that perspective is fluid. You know, it doesn't stay fixed. Like, for example, you know, have you ever change your mind about anything? Have you ever had an opinion about a person or a place or, you know, could be a food that you didn't like or a song that you didn't like that you know then subsequently you did like. You know, whatever whatever example you can think of. Just try and remember the times when you have changed your mind, because changing your mind is the same as changing your perspective. Whatever your perspective might be on something, it's important to remember that it can be changed. It's not a fixed thing. You have the power to change it. If it's not working for you. You know, again in the current climate, with all the stresses that we have going on it's important to remember that if whatever way you're looking at the situation right now, whatever way you're approaching your circumstances, if it's causing you additional stress if it's causing you additional worry and anxiety, remember that you do have the power and the ability to change that into something that is more helpful and more support ofyour mental health. So the second piece of advice I'd give is as much as you can right now is try and stay present, Try and keep your focus in what are you doing right now. What are you doing today? What can you do for yourself or for somebody close to you? Just manage your thoughts in terms of worrying about the future or thinking about the future too much on. You know, I'm very aware that that's easier said than done, but if you think about it, you know, right now the greatest minds in the world are trying to figure out and speculate about how this is all gonna play out. You know, what is the future going to look like? What's the economy going to look like? Society, you know, all of that stuff, when this current situation blows over and as far as I can see nobody has that figured out at all. Right now there's a lot of guessing going on. There's a lot of speculation. Nobody really has a clue. So, you know, if the powers that be can't figure this out, then maybe we should give ourselves a break from trying to figure it out too. So in the absence of clarity and real information about what the future holds, if we can just keep our focus in the present moment as much as possible, you know, whatever way you like to do that. Some people like yoga. Some people like meditation. Some people go for a walk. You know, whatever works for you. Listen to a song. Read a book, make a phone call, talk to somebody. It doesn't matter how you do it, but, you know, even as you're listening to this right now what are you doing? Are you sitting down? Are you in a quiet room? Are you going for a walk? Bring your attention into the present moment as much as possible. You know, that could be a really helpful, effective way of managing anxiety. And just try and catch yourself if you do find your thoughts running into the future and it's something that can take practise. It can take a certain amount of just deciding to do it and giving it a bit of concentration and getting used to it. You know, we don't necessarily naturally keep our attention in the present. You know, our minds are running around bouncing around a lot of the time. It's a bit like, you know, a balloon on a long piece of string in the wind. You know, it's it's floating up there. It's, you know, being buffeted in every direction. So if you want to kind of get some control over that, you've got to shorten the string. You know, you gotta pull that string in so that you've got the balloon closer to you. And, you know, if you've got it in your hands, then it's not going to be blown around so much. And our attention, our focus, where our mind is, that can be a bit like that. So if we can practise kind of reeling it in a bit, bringing it away from the future or the past, if that's also causing stress. And just kind of reeling it in to the present moment to whatever it is you're doing and give that your full attention, you know, if you're preparing a meal, give it your full attention. Notice the smells. Noticed the taste, notice the texture of whatever ingredients you're working with in your fingers. You know, if you're hanging out with someone, if you're playing with your kids, If you're talking to your partner or a friend, give them your full attention. And because, again, even when we're in the middle of a conversation, our mind can be elsewhere. It could be often something else, so it takes practise. You know, it's something that when I've bean training people in mediation, for example, one of the key skills is listening skills, you know, and people, you know, we can often think that we're great listeners, but the reality is that we miss a lot of information when we think we're listening, and that's usually because our mind is maybe two steps ahead in the conversation or thinking about something else that we need to do or something that happened this morning. So, you know, bringing your focus, whether that's in your listening or just in terms of how your mind is working and bringing it into the present. It takes practise. So if you're not good at it and you do find that you're getting caught up in worrying about the future, which is perfectly understandable right now. But if that's stressing you out, if it's causing problems, then you know, maybe practise. Just bring your attention into the present moment into whatever it is that you're doing and you know, see if that helps. Because in my experience personally and also with with people that I've worked with, you know, I've seen that that could be very, very helpful for people. So last and definitely not least the third suggestion that I'd like to offer you today is reach out, get support if you're struggling. If you're finding things difficult at the moment, there's a 1,000,000 different ways that we can do that now, you know, with all the technology that we have at our disposal, there's more possibilities than ever of connecting with people and getting information, you know, finding ways in which you can be supported through whatever it is that you're you're you're struggling with or whatever it is that you're going through. On the suicidal man.ie website I've put a number of links to different organisations which can be helpful, which are doing great work in terms of helping people with their mental health. And you know, I'm not saying this because I think everyone who's listening to this podcast has serious mental health issues. But, you know, mental health is something that every one of us has to manage and look after. It could be anything from stress to anxiety to depression to, you know, more serious issues that need, you know, clinical or medical support. But mental health is a broad spectrum and, no more than our physical health, we need to keep an eye on it. We don't have to do that on our own. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to reach out. It's ok to not be okay. And to name that and talk to somebody about it and if you don't have somebody close to you in your life that you can talk to then there are other options and you'll find some of them on the website. So I suppose, just to really kind of stress that at a time when so many people are potentially feeling very lonely, very isolated, that there are ways in which you can overcome that. I know the people sometimes find it very hard to ask for help and very hard to kind of reach out and say that maybe that they're struggling. But if you can do that and if you can give that bit of assistance to yourself, then it can make really can make all the difference and, you know, I suppose that ties in with what I was saying at the very start of this podcast about getting comfortable being uncomfortable. And it might feel a little uncomfortable to reach out or ask for a bit of support or tell someone how you're feeling. But if you can do that and again, if you can practise it, it can make a real difference to how you're feeling and how you're managing your mental health. So there you have it, there's my three strategies or tips for the day that I hope some of you will find useful. And, you know, you've probably heard some of them before and, I think that, you know, with mental health some of the best tools or techniques for managing our health, our mental health, are not overly complicated. You know, it's just about actually doing them, using them when we need to use things like, you know, talking to somebody. You've probably heard that a 1,000,000 times, and it sounds simple enough. But you know, people still find it hard to do, and people can still feel embarrassed or ashamed or nervous about reaching out. But in terms of something that is useful and effective, it's still one of the best strategies. So I thought I might leave you with an example of how I put all three of those strategies into action in one go. And you know, three months ago, when I first had the idea for doing this podcast I was really on the ropes financially. So I decided to set up a crowd funding page and reach out and try and get a bit of financial support just in terms of getting some equipment and just trying to get this podcast off the ground and, you know, I mean, I was very nervous about doing that because I suppose you know, when you put a crowdfunding thing out, you're kind of saying, Look, I need help financially, and I know when I thought about doing it I was quite apprehensive, I thought, you know, this is this's kind of me saying, Listen, folks, I don't have much money in the bank here and I need to dig out. But, you know, when I thought about it and changed my perspective the way I looked at it, was you know, I'm trying to do something useful here. I'm trying to do something that I hope is valuableand, you know, in in telling people about it, in doing the crowdfunding. I saw it as an opportunity for other people who might be interested in mental health to support something positive. So I suppose that's how I kind of changed my perspective around rather than you know, being embarrassed or ashamed about reaching out and looking for a bit of financial help. I just thought, OK, I'm going to give people a chance here who might want to support a conversation around mental health in some way. So, yeah, that was me changing my perspective. In terms of, you know, being in the present, I when I had the idea, I acted fairly quickly on it. You know, I didn't wait around. I, you know, I'd say it took about half an hour between me having the idea and putting it, you know, putting it up on the internet. And I, you know, that meant that I didn't have time to question myself or talk myself out of it. I just acted. I stayed present. In that moment I had an idea, I had a potential solution, and I acted on it. So yeah, I suppose that was me just staying in the present and not worrying too much about the future or how it might look or what people might think about it. And yeah, I mean, obviously, finally, it was an example of me reaching out for support. You know, that's what it was when I put up that crowd funding page, I put a figure on it, which, you know, may not have been a massive amount of money, but for me at the time, it was a huge amount of money. You know, it was money that I didn't have. It was money that I needed. And it was money that was going to enable me to pursue this crazy idea that I had, and I needed help with it, you know? So I asked for support, and, you know, to be honest, it was amazing. The support that I got and people that I didn't know people that I'd never heard of contributed to the campaign and, you know, I reached my target and actually exceeded my target very quickly. And, you know, I mean, the whole thing was amazing. I never expected it to work as well as it did. I'd never done a crowdfunding before, so it was a really leap into the unknown and yeah, it was definitely me getting comfortable with being uncomfortable. So, you know, I just wanted to share that with you, as I suppose an example of me, you know, practising what I'm preaching here. I've given you three suggestions of things that might be helpful and in my crowdfunding appeal and how I went about that, I did, I changed my perspective around it. I stayed in the present moment. I asked for support and it worked. And just on the subject of support. And I'm doing this podcast for free because it's something that I'm passionate about and I hope it's helpful and valuable to people. So if you like what I'm doing, share it with your friends, listen in again, subscribe. And if you want to supported financially in some small way, you can do that by checking out the Patreon link on my website The Suicidal Man.ie. Yeah, look, any small donation will be gratefully accepted and helpful. But not necessary! You know, it's free. Enjoy the podcast share it around and, you know, get what you can out of this. I think I'll leave it at that for today. And if you're still with me, thanks for listening. As I said earlier, if you want to contact me or if you want to get engaged with this podcast, you can check out the suicidal man out on Twitter and Instagram and my website, which is The Suicidal Man.ie, which, like I said, also has links there to organisations that can be supportive in the area of mental health if you need any of them. I'd love to hear from you. You know, I'd love your feedback, I'd love your suggestions and ideas and, yeah, you know your own stories in terms of how you've managed your mental health in the past. What works for and what doesn't work for you? You know, it's it's different for everyone. We all have our own ways of coping or not coping and like I said, I think it's really important that we learn from each other. You know, that's what I want here. It's a space or a forum where people can share and learn and listen and hopefully find some value. So yeah, thanks for listening. I hope you enjoyed the podcast. It's it's the first time I've ever done anything like this. It's my first podcast, so thanks for your time. Thanks for your attention. And I'd also like to just really acknowledge and thank the people who did contribute to my crowd funding page. You know who you are. I couldn't have gotten here without you. I hope I've done your investment justice and, yeah, Just really heartfelt thanks to everybody who support me in getting this off off the ground and getting to this first episode and I'm getting it out there. So to everyone who's listening to this Thanks for giving the suicidal man your time and your ears. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to each other and I look forward to talking to you again soon.

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