Validation Part 1

Learning the art of effective validation can make all the difference in our interpersonal relationships. 

Transcript

Validation Part 1


My husband Doug was released from his calling as a member of our local Young Single Adult Bishopric, about 6 months ago, where we served for 3 years, prior to that I was blessed to work with the youth of our Stake and among the countless things these young people taught me is that they, along with everybody else needs to feel seen heard and loved exactly where they are.  

That’s one of the best lessons they helped teach me.. that lesson about validation. These thoughts are taken from the presentation I gave for the Leading Saints Virtual Summit on Young Single Adults, that I made reference to a few episodes. But that presentation was about an hour long, but that included about 15 minutes of questions and answers, so I figured if I cut it in half, I could stick to the timeline you’ve all said you like best, within 15-20 minutes each, But having said that, I truly hope you’ll do a refresher before you listen to next weeks, because they bookend the topic and entire message so nicely when combined, that I worry 

Over the past few years, I have been quoted as saying that what others think of you is none of your business, and that if we seek validation from the world, we will never have enough, do enough or be enough, and that when we turn to our Father in Heaven through our loving Savior for our validation, we are more than enough, because we are theirs. 

While I still believe that is true, I also believe that we can serve as God’s hands on earth as we strive to uplift, support and encourage our fellow travelers when we learn to appropriately validate them.  

Every child of God deserves to be seen, heard, and loved exactly where they are and how they are, regardless of their age, their station in life, beliefs, or their confidence levels.  In order to do this effectively, we must first cease to judge, which tends to be one of those things that the natural man has a hard time conquering.  

Christ taught us in Matt 7:1 from his Sermon on the mount that we judge not, that ye be not judged.
 For with what judgement ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

The reasons for these teaching, are of course, obvious, we can’t see the hearts of others like our Savior can.  In Samuel 16:7 we’re shown this principle when Samuel was choosing a king, and the Lord gave Samuel the key on how to judge.

“Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.”






A basic, universal need for every human being is to believe that 1) I am of worth 2) my feelings matter, and 3) someone really cares about me.
I believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give these Young Single Adults as they face the unique challenges they do and carve out their divinely appointed futures is to help them recognize the fulfillment of these needs through appropriate validation.


  Learning to validate others, opens channels of communication, develops trust, facilitates ownership for problem solving, prepares hearts to be taught, and may be one of the most important tools for interpersonal relationships, and is certainly a skillset worth developing. 
 
What is validation? Google defines it as recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.  


I prefer the ideas taught by Gary Lundburg in his book I don’t have to make everything all better ,   He says “ Validation is being able to empathetically listen and understand another person’s point of view without having to change it furthermore It is the willingness to stand with someone during their emotional experience”.  That sounds an awful lot like the covenants we make to mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, right?


What Validation is not. 
validation is not necessarily the agreement, acceptance or condoning of another’s behavior.  It is simply the ability to convey love understanding and acceptance of them as human beings, despite their behavior.  
The trick to effective validation is that validating someone’s feelings doesn’t’ mean that you have to side with them, or agree with their thoughts or beliefs, it only means that you’re leaving space for them to experience those thoughts, feelings and beliefs exactly as they are, and that you are willing to stand by them emotionally and really acknowledge them as they do. 
Let’s talk about what it means to feel truly seen
Many people feel completely grounded and solid as they forge through their lives with confident, they are the ones that don’t need or care a whit about what others think of them.   Others however, struggle with regular feelings of insecurity, anxiety and face struggles that make them wish they could just disappear. These are the people that need to be seen, these are the ones that Christ taught about in the parable of the lost sheep in Luke 15:4, These are they that we are encourage to leave the 90 and 9 to find.

These brothers and sisters need to be seen for the great gifts they bring to the table of the kingdom of God on earth! 

And we have a responsibility to see them, with eyes of charity not judgement.  True validation is seeing past the facades and fronts and recognizing them as the distinct children of God that they are, exactly where they are, even if the two don’t seem congruent.

Max Lucado taught the idea that God packed our bags for us, meaning He sent us to earth with everything we would need to find our way back to Him.  True Validation feels like giving people the room to unpack their bags, not the ones we packed for them, but the divine gifts and traits that are inherently theirs and theirs alone. 

When asked by His disciples why Jesus taught in parables, He taught us in Matthew 13:9–12 Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they, seeing, see not; and hearing, they hear not; neither do they understand.   There’s a good reminder of seeing and hearing to better understand.


I was a zone therapist for the last 10 years and was blessed to serve a hospice patient for nearly two of those years that lost all of her hearing from Mi nears disease at the age of 50, she became an avid student of body language, and told me that she was getting pretty good at recognizing cues that would tell her things her ears couldn’t anymore.  For example, she could tell by one look into my eyes how I was feeling when I arrived, and she reported having a superpower of being able to determine how a person’s day was going simply by the way they held their shoulders.  
Discerning These Nonverbal communication skills can be invaluable when trying to develop real meaningful relationships and validating others. 

In a research study titled Nonverbal communication in psychotherapy in 2010, It was suggested that body language may account for between 60 to 65% of all communication.  
So whether we’re paying attention to overall facial expressions, the way a person holds their mouth, holds your gaze, or the arm gestures they use, We would do well to start paying attention to nonverbal communication.

We can’t genuinely and sincerely validate others until we really see them and what’s going on with them clearly 

I learned this lesson through a very special friend that taught me more than she’ll ever know. Whose permission she gave to share this story. I knew her, but not well, before we ended up in the same Young Single Adult ward that we were serving in. She struggles with a certain degree of mental illness and doesn’t do well in many social situations, so she sat alone every week.  Because I knew her, I reached out in friendship.  What I quickly saw through her downward glances and her unenthusiastic response, was that she didn’t need someone to sit with her to make her feel like an active member of the ward.  Her body language emanated independence and polite dismissal. I became quite aware upon further attempts, that if we were going to have a friendship, it would have to be on her terms.   While she never came out and said that, it felt like one step forward, 2 steps back, until my consistent actions helped her feel my love. This lasted for over 6 while I tried to decipher what each nonverbal clue meant, and this dance continued until now, 3 ½ years later, our friendship seems effortless and lasting, and it never ceases to amaze me when many of our phone calls or texts ends with I love you. 


Do you remember the 2009 movie Avatar, written and directed by James Cameron?  I loved that movie.  

The theme song sung by Leona Lewis bears one of the recurring themes of the movie.  I see you, which is what the Na’Vi (the race of those blue humanoids that lived in Pandora) say in greeting and to validate that they acknowledge the other person in every way. Don’t you just love that thought?

That is surely the message Christ sent to the woman taken in adultery, and all the stone throwers who witnessed that interaction.  Jesus knelt in front of the woman, looked into her eyes and really saw her and the evidence of where her choices had brought her.  He taught us all the beautiful skill of validation.  He did not condemn her but charged her to sin no more. 

Like my deaf friend, if we can learn to see what’s not clearly being said, we can meet those universal needs of making another feel like they are worth seeing, and that someone really cares about them.

This may look like an arm around a friend whose lost a loved one with comforting words like, I’m so sorry, I can see how hard this is for you. 

It does not look like comments such as call me if there’s anything I can do, or thank heavens we have the gospel, While those comments may be true and offered sincerely, we are not trying to change the way they feel, give them insight or help them look at the bright side.  We are there to mourn with them and help their emotional experience feel acknowledged, shared and understood. 



Now let’s talk about what it means to feel truly heard

I loved the 2016 General Conference Address by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called Fourth floor last door.  He shares a story of a young girl walking with her grandmother, that exemplifies the teaching that there are more ways to see than with our eyes, more ways to feel than with our hands, more ways to hear than with our ears.  
“The song of the birds was glorious to the little girl, and she pointed out every sound to her grandmother.
“Do you hear that?” the little girl asked again and again. But her grandmother was hard of hearing and could not make out the sounds.
Finally, the grandmother knelt down and said, “I’m sorry, dear. Grandma doesn’t hear so well.”
Exasperated, the little girl took her grandmother’s face in her hands, looked intently into her eyes, and said, “Grandma, listen harder!”
I feel that invitation.  We all know what it feels like to be truly heard by the friend that is leaning in, fully engaged, hanging on every word, adding bits of proof with comments like. Wow, that’s amazing, way to go.  It just feels good, and it’s evident that person is trying to listen harder. 
In an Ensign article by Mark Ogletree titled Speak, Listen,  & Love, the author says “Being heard is akin to being loved; in fact, being listened to is one of the highest forms of respect and validation”.  I couldn’t agree more. 
Sometimes the very best thing we can do to validate someone is simply to listen.  Remember, the art of validation is that we’re not responsible for fixing  anything, there will be a better time for that.  When we listen with full attention we are making the other person feel like what they have to say or express is of value, and worthwhile. 
My mother had a gift for listening.  She would tuck us kids into bed every night and ask us all about our day, our thoughts on certain things and then she would just listen.  I’ll never forget the way she looked, while she listened. Certainly she had other things to do, responsibilities to see to, but she hung on my every word, like I was sharing something truly important.  And as a result, the adult version of me feels l like I have something of value to say, and the confidence to say it.  I believe the Christian Minister Andy Stanley said it best “Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” 

There’s a video on YouTube called ‘It’s Not About the Nail’
It’s so stinking funny, but only because it’s so true about a lot of our listening skills. The video starts out by showing the lower half of a woman’s face as she’s expressing her feelings of frustration.  She is sitting on the couch telling a man, possibly her husband, that she just doesn’t know what to do about this horrible pain in her head.  She’s heartfelt and genuine in her concern and she’s really afraid that the pressure may never stop. 
She goes on and on about how scary and frustrating that is for her.  The short video then pans over her profile and you can clearly see that there is a giant nail right in the middle of her forehead.  It shows the man then pointing out the obvious, Umm hello, you do have a giant nail in your forehead, and he’s pretty sure that getting the nail out will solve all her problems. 
The woman, then gets defensive saying something like, why do you always just try to fix everything.  It’s not about the nail.  Why don’t you just listen. She picks up where she left off on her explanation of why it is so bothersome and difficult to deal with the constant ache, and how she can’t sleep and how all of her sweaters are snagged.  With exasperation, the man kind of rolls his eyes and finally submits, saying, that sounds really hard.  Her eyes soften as if she’s finally feeling heard, she says tenderly, Thank you, and they go in for a kiss, and well, it’s just plain funny, you can find it on YouTube.  
Remember the scripture in Matt:11:15?  He that hath ears, let him hear. Now there’s a charge for us. And almost as a follow-up to that counsel was  Elder Marvin J. Ashton’s statement that “ The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard”.


Validating by listening may look like captive eyes, eager engagement and body language, asking questions about things the other person has shared with you, and listening fully without letting your mind wander to what you’d do in that situation, how you could fix it, or any formulating any judgements.  It may sound like phrases such as I can see how you would feel that way, I feel the same way, or I'm here for you

It certainly doesn’t look like losing interest, letting your eyes wander or attempting to cut the person off to try and speed up their story.  Phrases that negate validation can sound like What's the big deal, You are too sensitive, or  I don't want to hear it

Last but certainly not least let’s talk about what it looks like to feel truly loved.  
I believe that in order to feel truly loved we first have to feel seen and heard.  We need to feel that our universal needs; I am of worth, my feelings matter, and someone really cares about me, are being met.  And validation can help.  
We’ve all been there….when we’re struggling with a particular challenge, and we turn to a trusted source, someone we love, or at least hope to get encouragement from, and they in turn respond indifferently with a comment like, “So that’s the only reason you’re upset?”  or “Well, at least you didn’t have to go through what I experienced”, or my favorite….”Life is hard, sometimes you just have to buck up”. 

How utterly dismissed do we feel?  How much better and validated and loved would we have felt by hearing something like “I can’t imagine how you must be feeling”, or “I can see how hard this if for you”, or at the very least, if they have no way of possibly understanding, I would still feel better hearing.  “I’m so sorry, you’re right, I don’t understand, but I hear you, and I want to know what you need from me during this difficult time, or on this specific journey”.  

To validate in and through love, there needs to be an empathetic connection.  In order to build that connection, we have to learn how to affectively validate others. In the Docrine & Covenants 121:41, we’re taught that Influence can happen “only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned”   

We’re all charged with the commandment to love one another, and we’re all considered teachers is one way or another.  I’ve learned by parenting our 4 children, that if we want to teach, influence or increase another’s understanding, many times they’ll be resistant to opening up and being receptive until they feel loved and validated.  The more we listen to and love them, the more they’ll be inclined to listen and learn from us. 

When we learn to use the tool of effective validation, many times the person sharing needs only to hear their own thoughts, or feel like they’re being listened to, to form their own conclusions, or solve their own problems.