Are You Coachable? EP. 193

Are you truly coachable? This question can be challenging to confront, especially when we consider how we react to feedback and advice. In this episode, we’ll explore what it means to be coachable, the barriers to accepting feedback, and how embracing coachability can lead to significant personal transformation.

Takeaways:

• Coachability is about openness to feedback, willingness to learn, and maintaining your voice.
• Resistance to feedback can hinder growth; recognizing this can help you move forward.
• Self-awareness and a mindset shift are essential in becoming more coachable.

For more insights on coachability, the mindset with movement, or looking to block mental barriers, check out out our INSTAGRAM page and FOLLOW

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:20

Okay, everyone, welcome back to the Eligo podcast. My name is Lisa, I am your host, and today we're going to talk a little bit about. Welcome back to the ELEGO podcast. My name is Lisa. I am your host. Today's question is simple. Are you coachable? Now, before you get offended, because I know many of you are gonna say, How dare you? And then you want to click away. And but hear me out. Now, before you get offended and be like, everyone's coachable, hear me out, okay? Everybody says they want to change, right? Um, everybody says they want to change, everybody wants to lose weight, run the race, start the business, fix the relationship, save the money, find the confidence, and become the best versions of themselves. But the minute someone gives them feedback, suddenly they're a victim. The coach is wrong. Mercury is in retrograde, their cousin's neighbor's dog got sick, and somehow none of the advice applies to them. Now, listen, if every suggestion comes with an excuse, do you really want to change or do you just want validation? I know this is a bit controversial, and I thought about this and I wasn't sure if this was something I should be talking about. But you know what? We're gonna talk about but you know what? We're gonna talk about it because being coachable doesn't mean being perfect, it doesn't mean blindly following advice. I mean, you still have a voice, it means being willing, willing to consider that maybe, just maybe, you don't know everything. And if you're sitting there thinking, well, nobody's gonna tell me what to do, congratulations. Maybe today's you might be today's case study. So grab your coffee, lace up your knee. So grab your coffee. And if you're sitting there thinking, well, nobody's gonna tell me what to do, congratulations. You might be today's case study. So grab your coffee, lace up your sneakers, and let's have an honest conversation about the difference between wanting results and being willing to do what results require. So I'm not gonna talk about, and I gotta be very careful about this conversation because you know, I've been coaching since 2016, and I've had such amazing experiences with some of the clients that I've had, or even the groups that I've had, um, just incredible experiences. And of course, with everything, I've had not so great experiences. Um, and I often wondered through this journey being a coach, is everyone coachable? And I often would think this when coaching became hard. And I don't mean hard in the sense of like busy and trying to get things together and getting running plans together. I mean hard as if am I speaking a different language? Why am I not making myself clear? And I gotta say, for somebody who has studied being a mental health therapist, active listening is key. That's number one. And also being self-aware of your own shit, like being self-aware of, okay, maybe I'm not explaining things correctly. Maybe I maybe I'm not taking them into consideration and being client-focused, you know, just trying every different way to approach the coaching style because everybody has a coaching style. And I often, you know, for me going into coaching, it was always about client-centered, but but I didn't want people to just to pay me for me to validate them. You're looking for a change, you're looking for a transformation. So it's kind of like I'm client-centered focused, but I'm giving you a little bit of a push to get you to that goal that you want to accomplish. But when I feel like I got to give you a shove and a pull and uh, do you really want to do this question? I often wonder to myself, is everyone coachable? So this is a little controversial because a lot of people will say, everybody's coachable, everybody has the opportunity to be coachable. Well, first of all, yes and no. Everyone has the capability of being coached if they want and willing to be coached. And I think that one of the things that people don't like to hear is the feedback.

SPEAKER_00 5:37

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 5:39

And before we get into this, are you coolable things? Let's talk about what is horrible actually. Okay, so let's talk about what does being coachable actually mean? So most people think being coachable means following instructions. And I don't think that's necessarily true because being coachable means being open to feedback, willing to learn, and willing to try something different when what you're doing isn't working. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything that the coach says. You still have a voice, it just means you're open enough to consider another perspective. So you can easily say, you know, hey coach, I don't really agree with what you're saying. I I think I'm doing, I'm, I'm really pushing through here and I'm doing the best I can. And you have that voice. And the coach can say, okay, well, have you, but but you're not you're saying I'm doing the best I can, but I'm not seeing the results. And then the coach could say, Okay, well, have you considered this? Okay, so what does coachable actually mean? Most people think coachable means following instructions. I don't think that's necessarily true. Being coachable means being open to feedback. Okay, that's one. So that you're open for someone to say, you know, what you're doing, it's great, but I was thinking maybe you should try this. And maybe, or you know, in the sense, if we were going to put this into running, you know, your form is not the best because, and you're explaining it, you know, you're being open to that feedback, also willing to learn. Willing to learn. Now, that means that you are willing to learn something new, and you're willing to try something different when what you're doing isn't working. That's why you hired the coach. Okay, the coach is not the person that's going to make you do the work, the coach is there to help you try alternatives because what you have been doing isn't working. And it doesn't mean you have to agree with everything that the coach says, you still have a voice. It just means that you're open enough to consider another perspective. And I will honestly say, for me, when I'm being coached, I mean, I have a I have a business coach, and there has been times where she's like, Well, you know, she gives me some advice or she gives me suggestions, and I said, Well, I don't feel comfortable doing that just yet. What if I tried this? And she'd be like, Fair enough. Why don't you do what you feel comfortable comfortable first? And then if that works, then great. If you need a little tuning up, then come back and we can discuss it further. So you still have a voice. Coachable doesn't mean, and also is it doesn't mean being the other thing is coachable, being the other thing is being coachable is not the same thing as being obedient. Okay, absolutely not. A coach isn't there to control your life, okay. A good coach helps you see blind spots, and you know, if you're a running coach or you're a trainer, you are an expert and your profession, you know damn well. You don't know everything. Even you, myself, have blind spots, and the coach is there to help you see those blind spots that you might be missing and challenges your thinking. Being coachable, being coachable means asking questions, being curious, and testing new ideas, not blindly following orders. And, you know, for me, that's why I always provide an explanation. And I provide an explanation for people who are like first-time runners and they're not under like why why do uh speed runs? Like, why is that so important for the plan? Why why have a rest day? Why do you know X, Y, and Z? Um, so yes, you are not it it's not about so it's not about being obedient. Now, why do some people seek coaching but resist feedback?

SPEAKER_00 12:10

Ah boy. Okay, so because feedback is uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_01 12:20

Nobody wants to be told, you know what, that thing you've been doing for years, uh you this is the reason why it's not working because you're doing X, Y, and Z. And nobody wants to hear that, okay. We say we want change, but often we only want change that feels good. Okay, we don't want change where it doesn't feel good. Like, wow, I've been doing this for how many months and I've been doing it wrong this whole time. The minute someone points out a behavior, a habit, or a mindset that's keeping us stuck, we get defensive. And I see that a lot in coaching. Growth requires honesty, and honesty can sting. Okay. Remember, growth hurts. Growth is not easy. Growth is pushing through those challenges. Growth is being told, hey, you know, you might want to try this different way of running because um this is not working for you. You're tired all the time. Um, you we're gonna have to take a step back to see if this works better for you. Let's try that. Hey, let's try that. And you always, as a coach, want to say, let's try this. Have you tried X, Y, and Z? Um, because the other stuff that you've been doing hasn't been working. All right. We want to get you to move to change. Change is not easy, change is uncomfortable, change feels icky for some people. Okay, it's not an easy process. So people see the coaching, but they do resist the feedback. And I'm not saying everybody does that, but there's a lot of people who do reach out for coaches to help them, but their expectations their expectations of help means I'm always gonna feel good through this process. I'm not gonna feel uncomfortable, and I'm not gonna feel like I have to defend why I'm doing what I'm doing. Well, then you're gonna stay stuck, then you're not gonna change. So when I have so going back to me, okay, because I've been coached plenty of times. I've had running coaches, I've had personal trainers, I've had business coaches. I I'm trying to think, I've ever had a life coach. I don't think I ever had a life coach, okay? I've been through therapy for crying out loud, okay? Talk about having someone show you the mirror of your behavior. That shit is not fun. Okay. So has there been a time, I gotta think, when I have been uncoachable in my own life? And I have to say, there has been times. That's why I can understand this. So, and there has been times where I felt like I was even uncoachable, where I felt like I was defending myself and getting a little angry and being like, What are you telling me that I'm not doing it the right way? And I'm not doing it the way I've, you know, all these years I've been doing something. You're telling me that I'm, you know, it's not the right way to do it. You have to you have to understand that I have blah, blah, blah, blah, and I'm giving them all these, you know, um reasons of why I do what I do. And it becomes like this feeling that I'm being attacked. I've been there. But then I've also said to myself, and took a step back and say, wait a second, here, did you not want to make changes in your life? You know damn well change is not easy. And maybe this person who's giving you this advice, give it a try. Maybe they're right. And I gotta say, for the most part, the times that I gave these coaches, therapists, a try and say, okay, fine, I surrender, I'm gonna give this a try, it worked out. And I'll be honest with you, I apologize at the end and say, I'm sorry that I came off like that. You know, I was just feeling like uh a little like, you know, embarrassed that I was doing it this way. And I thought I I thought I knew what I was doing, and I guess I didn't. And of course, that person was always like, no need to apologize, apologize, totally get it. This is part of the coaching process. It happens, and it happens to all of us. But when I finally accepted that I was being difficult and uncoachable, then I decided, what am I doing here? What am I paying this woman for? Okay, I want to change. That's gonna require me being uncomfortable. And when I made that mindset shift and tried something new, I got unstuck. And the thing is that what made it defensive, and like I said, the thing, the feedback that you and like I said at the beginning, people don't like to hear the feedback that they weren't doing, they're not doing the things that they should have been doing. No one wants to hear feedback saying that, hey, again, you've been doing this all these years and it's not working. Okay, this and this is why. All right, I didn't want to hear that I've been trying my best, and someone saying, Well, your best ain't good enough. I mean, did they say that? No, but that was my interpretation, and that was my shit. They didn't say that, but that is how I interpret it. Because, you know, again, we can go into the whole childhood trauma and things that I've dealt with. That's why I say it's so important to know who you are when you are going into a coaching session or a therapy session. Know who you are, know what your defenses are, know what your strengths are, know where you say, you know what, I tend to get a little butthurt when people say things like that. Know who you truly are because when you are self-aware, you can recognize that behavior and say, Whoa, step back here. What are you doing? What are you paying this person for if you're gonna sit here and be defensive and think that you know everything? You don't fucking know everything, that's why you're paying them. So it really takes that sense of self-awareness. But like I said, the advice we resist the most is exactly what we need to hear. And when I have been given, like, I mean, I'll give you a great example. I mean, I'll I'll tell you right now, when I had sessions with my business coach, it was always tears coming out of my eyes because she was always saying, What are you doing? This is not the way to do it. And she didn't say it like that. She did not say it like that. She was awesome, she's amazing. Um, but it was basically saying, You're stuck because you've been doing X, Y, and Z. If you don't want to be stuck, you need to do A, B, and A, B, and C. And oftentimes the tears were from this relevant, this revelation that, damn, I needed to hear that. I needed her to say this to me that I have an issue when it comes to money, you know, and charging people. Like that was one of the things that I could, if I could give you an example, one of the things that I struggled with at the beginning of the business was charging people. And I still kind of have that issue, you know. I don't, you know, charging for services is very difficult for me, was very difficult for me to overcome. And she nailed it. I didn't want to hear it. She told me that. I cried, and I'm like, you're right. So, and even talking about my experience further, have I ever hired a coach and ignored their advice? Yes, I have, you know, but then I said to myself, like I, you know, I but then I say to myself, why am I paying this person? What's the whole point of this if I'm just gonna ignore their advice? I might as well be doing this on my own. And that's again, me saying, let me give this a try.

SPEAKER_00 21:19

Let me listen to what they have to say.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

So and I have to say this the one lesson that I have learned being someone on the other side, a client of someone that is a client of a coach or therapist, whatever, the one lesson that I I learned that I had to overcome was if what you're doing isn't working, then what's to say what they are suggesting might work? How would you know unless you tried? And that is something that I hold on to myself, and that is something that I hold near and dear with everything in life. You know, you know, having someone telling me to do my work differently and trying not to be resistant on it, because I'm gonna say nine out of ten, when I try it differently, I get unstuck.

SPEAKER_00 22:43

So let's talk about some hard truths.

SPEAKER_01 22:46

Why do people ask for advice they have no intention of following? Hmm. I think sometimes we're not actually looking for advice. I think we're looking for validation. We want someone to tell us we're right. You're right, you're doing it right. And that our or that our situation is different, or that we don't have to make changes. You're perfect just the way you are. See, because advice is only useful when we're willing to act on it. And I often feel that many of us are just looking for validation through that coaching process and not really looking for the change yet. And let me just take a fur a step further here. If you're just looking for the validation, that's okay because I really think the coaching process goes into phases. And that's and let me tell you, the process is not the same for everyone from my experience. And the dip the phases can all be in different orders based on the person. It's always different, okay. But for some people, from my experience, is that they need that validation first. If we're being client-centered focused, give them that validation. And I often felt like the validation was a sense of trust, it was them trying to get a sense of trust from me as their coach that I believed in them that they can do it. Now, if the validation phase lasted for six months, then we got a problem, okay? But, you know, I would say a month, you know, where you need that validation, maybe even less than a month, um, to gain that trust so that then we can go into let's try something different, okay. Another question is why do we blame lack of time, money, age, genetics, or circumstances instead of changing our behavior? Because it's easier. And it's the taking ownership that is critical. And taking ownership, being accountable, not a lot of people like that, okay, because it means admitting we have more control than we'd like to believe. You know, while circumstances matter, focusing only on what we can't control often keeps us stuck. So when you tell somebody, hey, you actually have a lot more control in this situation than you think. Oh no, you don't understand my living situation, and then this and that, and blah, blah, blah. And it's easier taking that route. It's not easy saying, you know what, I there, you're right, there are some changes I can make. I can change my schedule. Um, if I gotta start running early in the morning, then I need to move my schedule around because I really want to do this.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

Um it's taking that ownership of the behavior.

SPEAKER_01 26:13

And talking about these things, I often say excuses, right? And there's a difference between obstacles and excuses. Okay, an obstacle is something that makes progress harder, it makes it hard. An excuse is something we use to stop trying altogether. I got, hey, it's my genetics, I can't run fast. There goes that. Um, the key difference is whether we're still looking for that way forward. All right. An obstacle. Okay, an example of an obstacle that's gonna make the progress harder. Like, for instance, me. I one of the obstacles I have is I have to be at work at 6 a.m. Okay. That's an obstacle. It's gonna make the progress harder. Is it gonna stop it? No, but it is gonna make it harder because that means I need to wake up earlier, and which means I need to go to bed early so that I can get my run in. That's an obstacle, all right? It's not an excuse because if it was an excuse and that means um I got I gotta be at work at six, I can't do it. That's an excuse. There's a difference, and I think a lot of people don't know the difference. And when you know, me as a coach is saying, looking at them like, okay, they've gonna feel a certain way, like I am not listening to them or I am not there for them, and that's why as a coach, you got to be very careful in how you word things, because you certainly don't want to say, that's an excuse, Jane. Then you're gonna get fired. You're not really you're not really being client focused. And there's a way to talk to clients so that they can see that they do have control, and that's where the empowerment piece comes at. You do have control of your life, it's what you choose to make, it's what you choose to do with it, it's what you choose to do with your life. Yes, you're right, you're gonna have to wake up early. You're choosing that, or you can choose not to, and then we have to figure out what other times can you run. So again, there is a huge difference between obstacles and excuses. I often find more excuses than obstacles. I'm sorry. Okay, why do runners? So let's talk about why do so going back to the advice, you know, you're paying for a coach, and you're gonna ignore the advice from this running coach. And a lot of people, I mean, any running coach, any coach can tell you, any therapist can tell you, anyone in the helping field can tell you that they're gonna give you recommendations, they're gonna give you suggestions, and they know damn well when they come back the following week to discuss how did you do, how many times does the client say, I didn't do it, you know, or they decided to do something completely different than what you asked them or suggested for them to do. So why do they ignore the advice that they're paying for? Because slowing down, resting, and building gradually isn't exciting. See, I get nervous when you when you get I get nervous when I get that runner who is new and excited, and I can't wait, you know? And then the things I say to them, don't forget your rest days, and oh, we're gonna go slow with this. Don't say that to those clients. I that's why I don't like using the word slow, because they look at me like, what are you talking about slow? I'm excited, let's get going. Let's I want to go fast, okay? Because many runners want results, they want results fast, but they want results without trusting the process. The process, there's a process to getting fast, there's a process to running longer, there's a process to everything. And unfortunately, fitness doesn't care what we want, it responds to consistency in patience. You are not going to see results if you don't trust the process and go in a slow progression. It's building a foundation. You don't do that to your your body, your body, you you want if you don't, your body wants that. And when you don't give that to your body, your body is gonna say, Nope, I'm not doing it, I'm done. Or I got hurt. Now you got you got me hurt because you made me do more than I was ready to do. It doesn't care what you want, and that's such a hard, actionable item to give to clients is starting in this slow progression and trying to get them to understand you're building a foundation because you can always fall back to that foundation no matter what. You build up, it's like the pyramid. You build up to the pyramid where it's uh the you know, the middle of the pyramid could be a half marathon, the top of the pyramid could be a marathon, or maybe the top of the period is you just or maybe the top of the pyramid is you just running freely in a pace that you've always wanted to do. So you need that foundation, and to get to that foundation, it's a slow progress, and no one wants to be told to go slow, they're excited, they want to go fast, they want to go fast now, and that's probably one of the hardest things as a coach to tell clients. And I try to find ways to say it differently and not say the S-word slow. There's different ways of saying it, believe me, but I ain't gonna tell you my secret power here, but I'm not gonna tell you my magic here.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

So, um, okay, now let's talk about the other thing people asking to lose weight, and then they argue with every suggestion. So the other thing is consistency.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

Consistency is so much harder than learning. Learning feels productive, consistency feels repetitive. Ain't nobody wanna do that. It's like a hamster in a hamster wheel, okay? It's not exciting, it's boring, and I feel like I'm not getting anywhere. So it's much more exciting to start a new program than it is to follow the same habits for six months. Okay, but what you don't realize is that it's the consistency that's going to create a habit that will get you to the point where you don't want to stop. It's so hard to teach people about consistency. And again, it's that results-driven culture. I want to see results now, I want to see results fast. Oh, I want to go fast now, I want to go faster longer now. You gotta be consistent to get there. And many clients that hire coaches don't want to be told to keep doing the same damn thing for six months before they you know go faster or keep doing the same thing to uh build a foundation.

SPEAKER_00 34:34

It doesn't feel productive, but again, it's that trusting the process.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

So let's talk about another thing that gets in the way of being coached. Ego. Does your ego get in the way of your progress? Ego isn't always about arrogance, okay? Sometimes ego shows up as defensiveness, it it whispers. I already know that, or that won't work for me. You know, growth often starts when we stop protecting our ego and stop start listening. Like I said, growth hurts. It it's we want to say, I always say it's like a ding to my ego, but is it? It's not. Okay, it it really isn't. And if you change your mindset and do a mind shift that this is not about your ego, they're not telling you that you're a terrible person or that you're not good enough. Okay, they are there, a coach is there to help you grow and progress to the point where you want to be. All right, if you keep on having this defense mechanism through the entire process, guess what? That's gonna make it harder to get where you want to be. It's not going to, it's hard enough, but you're making it even harder when you're not open and willing to learn something different, do something different, and let go of what you've been doing because what you've been doing didn't work, and that's why you hired a coach. The other thing is there are a lot of people who have a lot of experience with running, especially if you are a runner. And let me tell you something. As a runner, I've hired running coaches because I don't fucking know everything. Alright? I don't know everything, and I honestly don't well forget about I don't think. I know not everyone knows everything about everything, they don't. Okay, and if you believe you know everything, you're not gonna grow. You're not gonna make changes in your life if you believe that you know everything. The most successful people in the world are the ones that are most curious, they ask questions, they seek feedback, they remain students of life, even after achieving success, they are the most successful. Okay. So if you think you know everything going into a coaching session, you're not gonna go. You're not gonna grow, you're not gonna make changes, and that person, that coaching relationship is going to be very, very difficult for both of you.

SPEAKER_00 37:49

For the coach and you so the thing is this do I think everyone is coachable?

SPEAKER_01 38:18

No, not everyone is coachable at that moment, but the minute that you change your mindset and say, I am open, I am willing, I am willing to try something different, learn something new. I'm gonna give it a couple of months to see if some changes happen. I'm gonna give into this. And it doesn't mean like I don't have a voice. You could still ask questions through the process. You can say, Well, what if we tried this instead? You can provide feedback through that coaching process, and that coach is going to say, Yeah, okay, let's try this and that and see if that works. Because at the end of the day, the coach is just well, let me just say this: a good coach just wants to see you succeed. A good coach is not about, oh, I got them there. A good coach is helping you get you there. But again, you have to be open and you have to be willing. So let's do a couple, let's do a uh a fire round here, a fire round session. I usually do this with guests, but let's do this here, okay? You may not, and the session is this, the segment is this. You might not be coachable if, okay, you ask for advice and then respond with yeah, but you might not be coachable because every suggestion gets a reason why it won't work. If yeah, but is your favorite, right? If yeah, but is your favorite phrase, you might be blocking your own progress. Okay, here's another one. You bought five planners, but still don't use one. Who does this? At some point, the problem isn't the planner. It's a good chance you're not coachable. You have 47 saved Instagram workouts and haven't done any of them. Research is not exercise, so you might not be coachable. You keep well, actually, I shouldn't even say that. You could be coachable. Maybe you don't have time, but I've known a lot of people who have so many workout routines on YouTube and they couldn't tell you what any of them are like. All right, you keep looking for the magic. Okay, okay, next. You might not be coachable if you keep looking for the magic solution instead of doing the boring basics. Holy shit, drop mic. Most success comes from doing boring things consistently. Okay, so if you are not liking that boring basics, there's a good chance you're not coachable. All right, you might not be coachable if you think the problem is every coach you've had. Oh God. If every coach, trainer, boss, mentor, and teacher is the problem, it might be worth looking at the common denominator. You I know that fucking hurts, doesn't it? But if it's everybody's fault and you're the common denominator, self-awareness, maybe you're the problem.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

Okay. All right, so are you coachable?

SPEAKER_01 41:38

Think about this. How do you react when someone gives you constructive feedback? How do you react? Is it the yeah but or giving excuses or getting angry and defensive? Another question I ask yourself if you're coachable, is what's your first instinct? Is it curiosity or defensiveness? So when someone says something to you, is it like, oh, well, tell me more about that? How do so, how does that work? Are you are you defensive? Another one is are there areas of your life where you're coachable and others where you're not? Ooh, that's something to look into and reflect and maybe ask yourself why? I'm willing to bet there is some underlying reason for those things to happen in different aspects of your life. What advice have you been hearing repeatedly? What advice have you been hearing repeatedly but still haven't acted on? That's a good question to ask yourself. And what would change in your life if you became 10% more coachable? Ooh, why don't you ask yourself that? 10%, not even 100, 10 more coachable. What would change in your life if you became 10% more coachable? Ask yourself these types of questions to answer the question if you are coachable. So, in closing, again, do I think everybody's coach? Do I think everyone is coachable? Absolutely not. They're not. And I know if you are a coach listening to this, you know damn well that they're not. All right. The question isn't whether you need more information. The question is, what do you already know that you're not doing? Maybe your next breakthrough isn't hidden in another book, another podcast, certification, or course. Maybe it's waiting on the other side of actually implementing what you've already learned. Thanks everyone for listening to this uh podcast. Thanks again, everyone, for listening to this episode. If this resonates with you, share it with other people and um let me know your thoughts because again, this coachable conversation can be a bit controversial and people could get defensive. But let me know what your thoughts are. Don't forget to subscribe to the podcast. We are on Spotify, we are on Amazon Music, Apple Podcasts, everywhere you listen to podcasts. That is where the ELEGO podcast is. And of course, I do have a place for you to send me email. Um, if you go onto those platforms, you'll have an opportunity to send me an email um or DM me and let me know your thoughts. Are you coachable?

SPEAKER_00 44:49

And until next time, bye.