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The Self Worth Edit
The Self Worth Edit
The Parent Work: Healing the Parent Child Relationship, with Kavita J. Patel
Today we're talking with Kavita J. Patel, a relationship coach who specializes in parent relationships. Kavita has combined her knowledge of ancient eastern philosophy with her studies in family systems and human behavior to create her own transformational process called, The Parent Work which, as you can guess, focuses on healing and deepening our relationships with our parents.
Whether you have and ideal or less than ideal relationships with your parents, Kavita shares about why and how it's important to observe, become aware of and actively work on improving these relationships.
In this episode we discuss:
- How the effects of our relationships with our parents manifest in aspects of our lives
- Why boundaries may be trapping us rather than setting us free
- How, as a parent herself, Kavita leverages her knowledge of the parent child relationships when it comes to her son
If you'd like to learn more about Kavita and her work check out her website linked below or email her at support [at] kavitajpatel.com
If there's someone in your life who would benefit from connecting with Kavita or hearing what she has to say, share this episode with them.
This post may contain affiliate links. If you make a purchase or sign up for a service through one of these links The Self Worth Edit makes a small commission at no additional cost to you. Thank you for supporting the show!
Connect:
kavitajpatel.com / Email support [at] kavitajpatel.com
Books mentioned in this episode:
Untamed by Glennon Doyle
The Surrender Experiment by Michael A Singer
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If you dig even a little deeper around anything that you believe really strongly, it'll either be that your parents believed that same thing or that you hated that your parents believed something different.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Self-Worth. Edit the podcast inspiring South Asian women and beyond to quit playing Small and start trusting the power and wisdom within. Join me Noshin on Mondays as I share insightful conversations, tips for healthier ways of thinking and lessons in healing our relationships with ourselves. Thanks for tuning in to the Self-Worth edit. Here we go. Welcome back to another episode of the Self-Worth Edit. Today we welcome Gata Jay Patel , who is a different kind of relationship. Coach Gata has combined her knowledge of ancient Eastern philosophy with her studies and family systems and human behavior to create her own transformational process called the Parent Work, which as you can guess, focuses on healing and deepening our relationships with our parents. I know so many of us South Asian women have less than ideal relationships with one or both parents. And even if that's not the case for you, GATA shares about why it's important to observe, become aware of, and actively work on improving our relationships with our parents, as well as what doing that work looks like. In this episode, we discuss how the effects of our relationships with our parents can show up in various aspects of our lives and how boundaries may be trapping us rather than setting us free. As a parent herself, GATA shares both about her relationships with her own parents and with her son. This was an episode where I wish I'd had more time with Gata because there's so much more. I'd like to ask her an unpack with her. And if you'd like to learn more, check out her website linked in the show notes to connect. If there's someone in your life who would benefit from connecting with gata or hearing what she has to say here, please share this episode with them. All right , here we go . Here is Gata .
Speaker 1:In my own journey around love, relationships, just growing anxiety , uh, within myself and even, you know, I can throw in there even trying to find my own purpose. 'cause I was in , um, you know, corporate America for a long time doing consulting and knew that I wanted to do my own work, my own business. Didn't know what that looked like. In the transition of all of that, I was seeking out some real support, especially, you know, in my marriage. We were really disconnected in the first couple years of getting married. And it was literally that couple of years where I was trying to figure out what I was gonna do with my work and also feeling like, okay, there's this level of anxiety and stress that I'm sitting in that doesn't necessarily need to be there. And I became aware of it. I think I awakened to all of it. And so in that awakening process, I reached out to mentors and got support to really dig into things that I couldn't see for myself. Coaching and uncovered like these patterns that I was stuck in that were coming outta my marriage, that were coming outta my work, that were coming out as anxiety that stemmed from my relationship with my parents. And I knew that there was this, like me and my parents are really close, right? So it's not even like it was a relationship that was really hard and torn and difficult, but it was hard in many ways. And this is kind of an underlying unlooked at piece that I really wanna highlight, which is, you know, a lot of times, especially as South Asians, you know, we wanna protect our parents or we don't wanna think like, okay, they did this wrong or that wrong. 'cause there's just this culture of respect, right? But what was happening for me was my parents had fought my whole life since I was 10 years old. I mean, probably even before that, right? But like my earliest memories , uh, and I can't remember a whole ton about my childhood, but there are distinct memories that I have. And at the age of 10, I remember starting to get involved, you know, like, okay mom, this is what dad's trying to say, dad, this is what mom's trying to say. And there was a lot of pain for me around their fighting. There was a lot of pain around hearing them say things like, oh, oh , we should just get a divorce. Or My dad, you know, leaving the house in the middle of a conversation or my mom doing that, right? For a child, for me, it felt really , um, unsafe in so many ways. Like, what's going on? You know, are they not gonna be together? And then I remember going to school and seeing like this thing called divorce, right? Like that's what it felt like as a little girl. And seeing like my, my friends going to dad's house on the weekends and mom's on the weekdays. And not that there's anything wrong with that, but as a little girl, I was watching it and I was afraid that that was gonna be me. It was just my translation. And so I took on a lot of hurt and pain around that and started to try to fix my parents since the age of 10. And I didn't realize that I had continued that pattern my whole life, right? Like if they got into a fight nine times out of 10, I could feel it, like intuitively I could feel it because, you know, my mom wasn't calling as much, so something happened, or, you know, my dad was irritable or, you know , um, my mom would call me and they would , they would get into a fight and she would talk to me, me about it, but she's venting. So there were these ways that yes, those aren't healthy things. And yet so many parents do that to their children not knowing what they're actually doing. I'm not saying that they know what they're doing, but it was a huge burden on me. I literally felt like, and I wasn't aware of this, but what I was carrying around is like I needed to save my parents, you know, I needed to save their relationship. And if I could do that, then my world would look okay, then I would be okay then , um, there'd be more space for my husband, you know, then there'd be space to have a child at that time. You know? Then there'd be space to follow my dreams once they're okay. You know, it was literally like, I didn't know I was living my life like that, but that's lit . That's how I was living it. And there was an anxiety over just even seeing my mom's name pop up on the phone or my dad. So there were these patterns that I started to unearth that I didn't really know were there. And so when I unearthed that, I was just like, oh my God, I see, I see why this anxiety exists and that I think that's the hardest thing to even admit to ourselves that we have it. You know? 'cause it can even be low levels of it, but it's there and it's significant and it's having an impact on our lives. And so I started to see these patterns and the thing that was missing is, okay, I understand, okay, you know, I saw my parents do that, so I wanted to save them or I wanted to make them happy. And, you know, I would look at my mom and she was dependent on my dad, even though she was, you know, highly educated. And when I was little, I decided I would never do that. I would be like this independent woman. And so then that was bleeding into my marriage. 'cause those are all beliefs that I took on, right? Like, if I'm an independent woman, then I'm not gonna let him really in because I don't wanna be dependent on anybody. So there were these , um, ways that I could see all the connection. This is new to me, but I could finally see like, oh, this is more than just me being stubborn. This is just more than just me feeling like , uh, I need my way. Or this is more than just me trying to be controlling. There's something way deep underneath all of that. And it's not even just about not feeling good enough. Even if I feel like a lot of people, especially in the self-help world, will kind of stop there. Like, oh, I just don't feel good enough. There's a whole iceberg, right? Like that analogy underneath that sentiment, right? So I started to see that. I was aware of all the connections, but nothing was changing in my life. Nothing was tangibly shifting. So I started to, to kind of combine everything that I was learning. And especially I had been studying Eastern philosophy and I'm Jane and Jainism is more of like a philosophy than a religion. And I've been studying all these things. And I kind of combined all of that with everything that I had learned. And I started to have these profound conversations with my parents. And it wasn't just like, Hey, you know, you did this thing to me, you know, and did you know that you did that thing? To me, that doesn't always, it's not a healing process. That's a, that's a conversation, but it's not a healing process. And so I started to have these conversations with my parents and literally like bricks and weight off of my shoulders were falling away, falling away, falling away. And I started to see, I had space for way more, you know? And I started to see my anxiety had fallen away. The volume was turned down on it. Sometimes, you know, it comes up. But the volume was turned down. I started to see that I was connecting with people in a completely different way versus pushing them away. I wasn't shutting down as much in even conversations with friends. There was just a , a holistic shift that started to happen. And I saw like, this is the root of it. Like this is the root of what's truly happening. And then I started to work with clients. I mean, at this point, it's been over a decade. I've worked with hundreds if not thousands of people. I started to work with them around it. And it was the very thing that was opening them up to love. You know, getting into like these deep fulfilling relationships, supporting them in, you know, reconnecting within marriages, supporting them and finding what they love. There was just all these little pathways that were opening up. And so then that's how my methodology called the parent work came about.
Speaker 2:So you mentioned you had a decent relationship with your parents to start. What does it take from both sides, from the individual and your parents to even be able to put the parent work into play? Mm-Hmm.
Speaker 1:<affirmative> . Yeah. It doesn't require anything from your parents, honestly. I mean conversations, yes, but I say all the time, this is about claiming yourself. And so that's the biggest distinction I will make, is that most people are relating to their parents in the realm of what we call parenting your parent. So it's just a psychological process that we all go through as children and we start to control the outside because they're every child. It doesn't matter who you are, it doesn't matter if you have the best upbringing and the amazing parents, or the worst upbringing and the most dreadful parents. It doesn't matter. It's literally like every child will go through their own process of trying to control the external to feel, okay. A part of that is parenting our parents like, oh mom, you don't really know what you're doing. This is how you do it. Or we start to think we know best and that that starts very early and then we just stay stuck in that realm. But what that does is it actually blocks our ability to receive our parents' love. And it also blocks our ability to truly connect and understand one another. So you can call that the ego, right? The ego is then created around that time and the ego is necessary in many ways. You would be identity less without that. And the ego will keep you from really knowing what true, deep, meaningful connection is. So this journey is not about your parents having to be emotionally aware or on their own self-development journey. That's what I hear from people all the time. Like, oh, my mom is, I've tried, you know, my mom is who my mom is. And I'm like, yeah, that's, even just that sentiment alone is parenting your parents. Like you can, I can hear it in in somebody's voice when they're even saying it to me just 'cause this is what I do, right? I live and breathe it. But it's like most of what we're doing is trying to tell our parents what to do, how to be, if they could change, if they could be different. And if you're not doing any of that parenting, your parents is still hiding your life, not expressing fully, because you don't wanna feel their judgment or feel hurt or their criticism or allowing yourself to adjust to them in any way is parenting your parents. Right? And so we're trying to break that cycle. And when you break it with where most of our belief system and our subconscious that's ruling over our lives right now, and every single choice you make when you break it at the root of where it started, it shifts everything, right? So it's just you being willing to dig into what's truly inside of you and looking at where those beliefs came from and why they came about. And then there's a whole programs that I do right around how to have these conversations.
Speaker 2:How do you begin, how do you begin to have these conversations? And what are these conversations? Can you give us like a sample?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. So for example, these conversations are like, okay, I just, I always go into a personal example . 'cause I think it's like helpful for you to see like how I've also been through it. So, you know, just even taking the example that I shared earlier, like looking at my mom, right? There are these unknown vows that we , we've made within ourselves, VOWS vows that we've made within ourselves when we were younger. So I watched my mom, right? I saw like this disempowerment that I translated when I was younger and I was like, oh my God, I'll never do that. Right there, right then and there, that resistance will persist in your life. Okay? So any resistance you have two or towards your parents will persist in your life. Either you'll have that exact same quality and you didn't even know it, or you'll attract in a partner that has that quality or your kids will show you that quality. They will become that quality and show that back to you. And all of that is happening because our evolution is calling us into really allowing ourselves to not be free of resistance. 'cause when we're free of resistance, we actually try to make the choices that we wanna make. We start to decide things for ourselves. But I hear over and over again, like if you dig even a little deeper around anything that you believe really strongly, it'll either be that your parents believed that same thing or that you hated that your parents believed something different. It really requires a questioning. Like, is that then your belief? Or is it something you've just adopted?
Speaker 2:Powerful words? And I hope you're enjoying this episode so far, taking a brief break to share that. If you love listening to podcasts like I do, chances are you'll enjoy audio books as well for a free 30 day trial. Head to audible trial.com/ self-worth edit . Personally, I love listening to nonfiction books while working around my apartment or on my walks. One I listened to earlier this year and loved was Glennon Doyle's. Untamed Link is in the show notes, that's audible trial.com/ self-worth edit for a free 30 day trial. Let me know what you think if you give the audio book life a try and let's get back to our interview with Gata .
Speaker 1:So something I'll share with you is that, you know, seeing my mom that way and saying, I'm gonna be an independent woman that's not dependent on a man, stayed with me. And so then that translates into not truly just not letting anybody in, right? Not letting even somebody that loves you and tries is trying to love you in because it feels like, oh, if I let you in, I'm gonna lose that subconsciously, right? So when I realized like this was a part of what was holding me back, even in my marriage, which we're still married, and it's , it's an amazing relationship. He's an amazing man and I couldn't see that. Like that's the crazy part when I say that to you, he's an amazing man and how much he respects and you know, he has his own stuff. No , no , no doubt about it. No human being doesn't. But the amount of respect and love he has for me, I couldn't even see it. I couldn't even see it or feel it. When you realize that you're resisting something and you wanna shift that, the way to shift that is to come into compassion. Okay? And compassion doesn't mean sympathy. I really wanna be clear about that. There's a fine line. Sympathy is again, in the realm of like, oh, poor my mom or dad, and that's not gonna work. Okay? So there's a lot of nuances that I'm sharing here, but I had a conversation with my mom where I was just like, you know, mom, when I was little, I saw these, like, I saw your interactions with dad and you're, you're so educated and so smart, and yet, like you fell into these patterns. And I remember thinking and watching that and thinking like, I don't ever wanna be like that. It's not just like, why do you think you were there? It's more than that. But it's telling her what's inside of me, but also asking for the opposite, right ? Like, so meaning, mom, can you share with me? You know , why do you think you were doing that and what was happening for you? And you know, and, and yeah, there's a risk there of like my mom complaining about my dad, you know, like she has for so many years. And so I have to stop her and say like, no, I actually need to hear this, or I need to hear what's happening, what happened here for you. And she told me some stories and I thought I knew everything about my parents. Literally, I've been coaching them since I was 10, right? And they're very vocal people. Um, and so I thought I knew everything and truly, I I, I can tell you I knew probably 5% of what they went through in their life, you know, 5% of what they've gone through that has made them my parents and made them have the neuroses that they have made them have the strengths that they have made them have the amazing resilience that they have. I knew 5% of what was actually happening. So my mom would tell me stories about her childhood and I was like, oh my God, I really understood like why she became who she is. And it broke me free of that resistance. And when I was then freed of that resistance, I was able to just open up to my husband, you know, I was able to be more vulnerable. I was able to let him in and share like the <laugh> the deepest, darkest secrets that I had in, in , in my heart, my fears, you know? And know that he can hold all of it, that I don't have to be something different or , um, that he can be in it with me. And that's when our, our relationship completely evolved. So that gives you a , a quick sense of , uh, yeah, a conversation.
Speaker 2:I've seen many people cut off relationships with their parents as a way to be free. And you say, actually that's not what's going to set you free. It's working through it. And so I feel like that's what your example just brought to light for me of how that could work. You've also written about boundaries, and I'd love to hear from you on your take on traditional boundaries and what you call sacred boundaries. Mm-Hmm, <affirmative> .
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah. So I'll talk really quickly, like that's why I say it doesn't matter who your parents are, how they're showing up, how evolved they are or not, how emotionally savvy they are or not, because this is your freedom, right? It's your freedom. That conversation wasn't for my mom. That conversation was for me to break free of ideas, translations and thoughts that I built when I was 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 years old that I'm stuck in at the age of 30. When you break ties with your parents, what happens? And I'm not telling you, you have to be best friends with them. That's not what I'm saying. But when you break ties with them, yeah, you can feel a sense of peace for a little while. I'm not gonna say that that's not true for sure. And what you get stuck with is all of this that's sitting inside of you since you were little, that's what you get to, to be stuck with. And so it's a powerful thing because 95% of the time, and I almost wanna say 99, given all the data that I've collected in this realm, there's just a huge miscommunication that has occurred between us and our parents. When we talk about that generational gap. Like if you just think about generational gap and just like pop culture things, there's a gap in communication, right? So then translate that to like all life experiences and think about how much of a gap that creates between us and another person. And so when we feel like we have to feel safe by cutting ourselves off from our parents, trust me, you will cut off a lot of people in your life to try to feel safe. And that will be very isolating, very isolating. And there's a lot of misunderstanding and a lot of protection mechanisms that go up, which don't allow you to really create the most intimate kind of relationships in your life. You can create relationships, but not the ones that feel the most intimate and fulfilling that can hold everything that you are. So I wanted to say that. And yeah, my take on boundaries is I, I watch people constantly say like, okay, oh, my mom's a narcissist. Oh, my dad's a narcissist. I mean, I think feel like that's a buzzword now these days or Oh, oh, this person's toxic. I just needed to get them out of my life. Now I'm not saying yes, there's, there's certain people that are not vibrationally good for you . Yeah. But when we just throw out this sentiment of a human being, being toxic and not even taking into consideration what created them into who they are today, we're doing a disservice to humanity when we do things like that. You don't have to be best friends with them, you don't have to be around them, but to take a moment and have some compassion towards why maybe that person is the kind of person that they are, so that you're not just labeling them something as if they're not human. You know, as if we're not all human in this life. So, but to get , you know, I keep avoiding the boundary thing. So the boundaries thing is I watch people say, okay, I just told my mom she can't talk about, I'm just gonna make up something here. You know, she can't talk about my dad with me anymore. Or I told my dad that he can't , um, give me advice anymore. Or I told a friend that when she calls me two times a day, it's just too much for me. And it's, you know, could you just call me one time a day or, I know I'm, I'm kind of , uh, these are just some examples. But what's happening is it's creating separation. Because what it's doing is you are not looking at what is feeling uncomfortable inside of you . You're not really looking at that. You're just putting up a boundary saying, this is uncomfortable for me, so I'm gonna put up a boundary to make sure I can feel okay and protected and safe. And then that could either mean you're separating yourself or that means that the other person has to abide by a rule that you've just set so that they can be in your life. Like that just sucks. You know? That just sucks. So somebody else has to change to be a part of your life so that you can feel safe. And there's a place for some boundaries. Trust me. I'm not saying like get rid of all boundaries, but what I'm asking people to do is to look at what is uncomfortable first, because there's something coming up for you. For example, in friendships, right? With one of my best friends, I felt like one of my wounds as a child is like, I didn't feel like my mom was the most present. You know, that's a wound that I carry around. And if I didn't know that, let's say I didn't know that and I didn't know that for a long, long time. And so then in friendship, I would feel like a friend wasn't totally there for me or you know, was busy with something else. And take that really personally. I would take it really personally, and I'd be like, I just don't think you're a good friend, or I just feel like you're not showing up for me the way that I show up for you. And then it's becomes this like, I did this for you and I want you to do the same thing for me. And expecting her a friend to be me, which they're not. If I never took a look at where my wound was, okay , my wound is now like when a friend isn't present with me, that that hurts because it came from my upbringing. It's not because of this friend per se . And yes, there's probably a little accountability that I'll put on my friend in the exchange. I'm not gonna take it all away. I feel like whenever something comes up for somebody, a trigger, most of it is ours, A little bit of somebody else's, you know? And if we don't acknowledge that little bit that's somebody else's, we just stay in a very unaware world. But I then would say to my friend, like, Hey, listen, and now I can do that, but I'll be like, whenever I come over, you're doing a million things and I know that's how you work. And I just get so upset sometimes as I leave feeling like we didn't connect, or I feel like you didn't really care about me, or that you didn't really ask me some things that I really wanted you to, you know, I just wanted you to know that you don't have to like change, but just wanted you to know like, that brought up some stuff for me. And now we can have a dialogue right now, we can have a conversation. And I've done this exact same conversation with a friend and my friend is like, no, I totally get it. I know I'm always doing a million things and yeah, let's, why don't we like just create like a half an hour in the like beginning. Like let's say I'm spending the night or something in the beginning of the day and the end of the day to connect, like great that that works. But now we're opening up ways to keep connection versus creates separation. Now listen, if a boundary feels like it's creating an expansion inside of you, if it's creating a true, true expansion inside of you, it's a good boundary to put up. If there's any contraction happening on your end or another person's end, there may be something to look at there.
Speaker 2:I like that you're offering something for people to feel into. What I've realized personally for boundaries is creating what I'm calling for. The purpose of this traditional boundaries sometimes helps give space and provide the space you need to then be able to ask yourself the questions about what are my triggers? How do I process them? But then I feel like there needs to be a point where that wall comes down and now you're reentering. If you're not ready to kind of co-create that boundary and get into dialogue right away, what's the game plan for circling back where I feel like so often, and I've done this, you know, we put up boundaries and we're like, okay, this is the new normal. This is how I live my life. Now more and more I'm realizing, and even what you're saying is helping me, reminding me that I need to go back and take some of those down at some point. But I think the important piece too is feeling into when am I ready to do that? When am I ready to take this down and have a meaningful dialogue?
Speaker 1:What I'll say to you is, mm-hmm . It just comes down when you really unearth what's truly happened for you. Mm . Yeah . It just comes down so you'll know that you haven't really hit anything if it's still up.
Speaker 2:Right. And that makes sense because a lot of times what we do, and I mean I'll put my stamp on it, what I do is I put up the boundary and it's like, okay, now I don't have to look at this and worry about this. And that's not doing the work, right? Yeah. And so I think the benefit of it would be if I'm putting up the boundary and then also trying to dig in and you know, yeah, again, go into the self , find out what's being triggered within me and how do I deal with that? And then seeing that evidenced in the boundary coming down. And so there's, I know I have work to do on that for sure. It's tough.
Speaker 1:Yes it is. Because this is why it's so tough because we're so scared. We're so scared. We're so scared of getting hurt. We're so scared of being used. We're so scared of having pain, you know, we're so scared of somebody taking advantage of us and society doesn't help with that, right? Fear is like what cells , the more walls you put up , the less free you are, the more walls you put up, the more trapped you feel in your life. So it feels like one of the hardest things is to open our heart. And yet that's what we see in children in the , in their most divine state. They're just hard , open, present, loving life, living life with no worries in many ways. We wanna get to a place where we're back to that open heart because that open heart, oh my god, when you can even come out, like I literally was talking to her friend yesterday and she's got an amazing business, a thriving business, and she had some bad reviews go up, even though her intention is so pure, everybody translates what they want. And she allowed herself, she's in in the coaching world as well, and she allowed herself to just open her heart to this person that put up this bad review and literally opening her heart up instead of closing up, right? Like she could have sued that person. She could have like come at her saying like, I don't really understand why you would do something like this. These were our intentions. I can't believe you feel the way that you feel, blah , blah , blah , blah ba . You could do that. But she didn't. She opened her heart and was just like, I would love to hear what's happening on your side because something happened and that isn't my intention. And I, she opened herself up and literally this woman, without even being told, took down the review . We think to feel safe is to put up these walls. And that's not safety because that's just creating this illusion of safety. But safety is really opening your heart over and over again and knowing you're still alive, opening your heart, getting hurt, and knowing you're still there, opening your heart and somebody walking away and you're still there opening your heart and knowing somebody does really love you, oh my God. And they're able to take all of you and you're never too much and you're just so lovable to them. And now you get to experience that. So it's like an open heart allows us to really live the most beautiful life.
Speaker 2:So often. You know, we look to boundaries and we look to these walls as ways to compartmentalize. And we think that that helps us thrive in other areas of our lives. But really we are in survival mode when we're doing that, right? We're keeping things at bay. Exactly . And it goes back to your iceberg point, like you may think and you may have the illusion of safety and thriving because you have these boxes created around you, but it's unknowingly to you seeping into other areas of your life.
Speaker 1:Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:Such a powerful reminder. Do you think there are unique challenges that South Asian women face when it comes to the parent work?
Speaker 1:I don't know . I really see the same things in all cultures. Um, which is actually a good thing that you even ask that question because so many people will say, well, it's just my culture. It's just like how my parents are. They grew up in India or they grew up in Pakistan, or they grew up in, you know, Nepal or they grew up in Sri Lanka and so that's why they are the way they are. Or they're immigrants, you know , that's why they are the way they're, it has nothing to do with any of those things. I just like really wanna just say that right now, you know, your parents are much more than that. The gap that you're experiencing, we're using these , uh, excuses, right? Because you're experiencing a gap in connection with your parents. And that's, that's what we need to pay attention to. But what I will say is I find that South Asians do do a lot of this protection thing, you know where I was talking about it earlier, like, you're supposed to respect your parents. And so they never look at how their parents have actually really hurt them and how , where there's pain. And I'm not saying that your parents meant to do that. No, they didn't. Most parents are trying to just help you be the version that they think you should be <laugh> , you know? But that's in and of itself the problem because we're not gonna be the version they want us to be. We are our own people, but we are never really allowing ourselves to look deeply into that pain and hurt and upset. And we're getting triggered all the time. That's, it's not like that, that doesn't exist. I mean, I've spoken at NetApp, I've spoken at Jane conferences with hundreds and hundreds of people in the room and the thing that I see most is like, oh, I don't really wanna go there. And that's what I really wanna convey. It feels like sometimes in our communities, you know , therapy or doing self-development, it , it's like inherently within our culture in terms of philosophy and religion and yet nobody actually wants to do the work to really look at it. Which is such an interesting thing for me to, to witness the paradox. But we are all paradoxes. But yeah, I would say that like to really allow yourself to acknowledge the ways that you were, you were hurt because there's wisdom in it. You're not just going there to like wallow in the pain and then blame your parents and blame yourself. And that's not, that doesn't do anything. This is really about looking at what you translated unknowingly and really seeing how that translation is ruling over your life and freeing yourself of that with your parents. 'cause the number one thing any parent wants is for their child to be free, to be healthy, to be wealthy, to have the best, most loving, happy life possible. That's what a parent wants. They are just layering all of the belief systems of what they think that looks like. On top of that, if you take control over, right, I get to be happy and move through those beliefs one by one, then you win and they win.
Speaker 2:And this brings me to one more thing I wanna chat about before we move into wrapping up. As a parent yourself, how does that shape your perspective and your work and how does this play a role in your own parenting? Especially thinking back to what you mentioned earlier of no matter how good a parent you are, your child is going to have to work through something or other. And how do you That's right . I suppose make peace with that and work with that as a parent. Yeah,
Speaker 1:I think it's like a really good thing to take in and you know, truth be told, I am still taking in levels of that 'cause you, so it's just so like innate, right? It's like this primal feeling of wanting your child to just be everything they can be and yet putting what you think that is on them, you know, <laugh> . So yeah, I mean I , you know, I feel like, so hum is my, that's my son's name is my biggest teacher. He really is, he really is. I, when I married Hemel , I thought he was my biggest teacher. And now having so hum it's just on another level. And um, all I can do as a parent is, I call it attunement, right? Attuning myself to my child and his needs and wants while also not neglecting completely my needs and wants. Although sometimes that happens a lot because as a mother it's just is happens. But attuning myself to who he is, what is his journey, what is his destiny? And I'm just this net, I'm just the safety net. I'm just the safety net that he gets to fall back into in life whenever he needs and wants it and brings tears to my eyes. But otherwise, it's his life. It's not my life. It's not my life to control his life. It's my job to be the safety net that he can fall back into whenever life throws something at him and it feels too much. And of course, you know, I'll see myself have anxiety over something that's happening to him. And then I have to look at that because the truth is, is our children are hooked into us energetically. This idea, and I'm not saying that this is what a lot of people are saying when they say codependent, but I really wanna voice this 'cause I believe strongly about it, is that there is no way for you to ever be separate from your parents. I don't care who you are. Energetics are always going to be there. So even if they die, you're playing with them in your mind. And even when kids are small, yes, he's dependent on me. So if I have anxiety, he has anxiety, like no, no doubt about it because he's hooked it up into my nervous system. And even to this day, I am 42 years old. If I'm in the same space as my mom and dad, my energy is hooked into theirs. Even if I'm not in the same room with my mom and dad, my energy is still hooked into theirs. It's just is the idea that we can separate is like absurd to me. We are all interconnected, truly, right? And with our parents, there's a reason karmically why we came through them. So there's even a stronger connection. So it's really to be free of the burden of that. That's also what you're doing in the parent work, right? Because there's no way for you to not have that connection and to really admit that, you know, to admit that with my son, I just feel like, okay, anxiety over here translating over there, what do I need to look at? You know, what do I need to do over here to free me and him of that? And that's all I can do. That's all I can do. Any translations he makes of what I did or didn't do or how I did something that hurt him, I'm so open when he gets older to sharing with me all of that. But I will never know until he allows me into that.
Speaker 2:Wow. I just, I'm like grabbing my chest as you're talking because it's so heavy. Yet at the same time it's a bit prescriptive in a way that I really appreciate. It's like, hey, here is what it is. You can call it all these different things. You can say that cutting it off and putting up boundaries or whatever is the answer, but here's what it comes down to. There is this connection and it is not a connection that at the physical level, cutting that is going to affect , it's that, it's that soul level connection that you've talked about, right? And so it's such a powerful reminder. I think that people can react to it differently. I think it can feel burdensome or it can feel like an opportunity. And I think that it probably will change as each individual grows and evolves and does not seem like something that's an overnight fix. But it does seem like something that once it's in your realm of awareness that you can continue to work on piece by piece. So thank you so much for all of that. By the way, I love your son's name. It's so beautiful. What does it mean?
Speaker 1:It means I am so I am soul. I am, I am. Yeah.
Speaker 2:I love that so much. Yeah . So where can people connect with you, work with you, how can folks find you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, absolutely. So, you know, the best way right now is, you know, I have my website. It's mostly targeted towards , uh, you know, women that wanna find love. I'm not focused on that as much anymore. I'm more focused on anyone that is really 'cause this work, right? It can feel heavy. But when you think about just pinpoint any part of your life that you're feeling truly stuck in and that you don't want to feel stuck in anymore, the parent work is the pathway to opening that up because you're getting to the root of what is keeping you stuck you in your life stuck . So yeah, I would just say that the best way to really reach out is you can email me if you're interested in looking at this more, and you can email me at support@kavitajpatel.com. It's, you know, support at K-A-V-I-T-A-J-P-A-T-E l.com . And I feel like I wanna say this last piece, which is when we face the hard stuff, that's when huge, massive doors open in our lives. When we're willing to face the hard stuff. It is hard, but when you're willing to face it, it's, it's what , um, I feel like has opened every profound door in my life when I have , um, really faced the hard stuff. Yeah,
Speaker 2:So true. It's worthwhile. I do have five rapid fire questions to close this out with . Oh yeah. Ready? I'm up for it . Yeah . All right . Are you an early bird or night owl?
Speaker 1:Early bird.
Speaker 2:What's a book you think everyone should read?
Speaker 1:The surrender Experiment?
Speaker 2:Ooh , sounds intriguing. I haven't heard that one. Yeah . What's one way you show yourself love?
Speaker 1:Ah , hugs. Like, I feel like that is so missing in the world right now. Hugs especially, but hugs, they're just everything to me. They, they like, fill me up and, and you know, I feel like , uh, there's some statistic of like when you're a child, how much you're hugged versus when you're an adult or something like that. I forgot I'm gonna be making it up right now, but I think it's like, we're like basically hug less and you're just getting like an abundance of hugs when you're little. But yes, hugs, hugs. I mean there's more than that, but that's like just what comes to me right now.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. I didn't realize I was a hugger until February of this year, 2020, and then the pandemic hit . So it's been great. <laugh> ,
Speaker 1:<laugh> .
Speaker 2:Um, if you're ever feeling down on yourself, how do you turn it around?
Speaker 1:Oh, I call a friend. I call a friend. I say all the things that, even things that you're supposed to not say 'cause they feel ugly and hard. And I say them all and I choose a friend that knows how to hold all of it. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Beautiful. And finally, what's an unpopular opinion? You hold?
Speaker 1:Oh , I think this whole episode is probably that an unpopular opinion that I hold is yeah, that it all started with your parents and you get to end it with them.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for taking the time to chat about this and for yeah, sharing all those unpopular but so important opinions. You're
Speaker 1:So welcome. Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2:That's it for today's interview. What did you think? Did someone come to mind as you were listening? Either someone you want to work on your relationship with or someone who would benefit from listening to this episode. If so, please share it with them. There is so much more to cover on this topic I know. And if you have any burning questions you feel weren't answered in this episode, you can email Gavita , see her email address in the show notes, or send your questions to me and maybe we'll have her back on again in the future. I'll talk to you again soon. Until then .