This new series of podcast parent tips aims to help you reduce conflict and better connect with your teen. In the first episode, learn to stop conversations from becoming fights with the DBT STOP Skill.
The STOP Skill can help you Stop a conflict in its tracks by encouraging you to
- Stop
- Take a Step Back
- Observe
- Proceed Mindfully
The Stop Skill is just one of the many DBT Skills I teach my clients to help them communicate more effectively and reduce suffering for both themselves and their teens.
DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a model of therapy created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, that has been proven effective at helping people learn to tolerate stress, regulate emotions, improve communication and create a happier more contented life.
Thanks so much for your support of A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice. If you connected with what you heard here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. And if you have enjoyed what you’ve heard here, please subscribe, rate and review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.
To learn more about DBT group therapy with Rebekah Shackney LCSW, go to https://rebekahshackney.com/groups
Hi, I’m Rebekah Shackney, as a psychotherapist I spend my days helping parents and teens connect and communicate more effectively, but as a mom, I don’t always practice what I preach. I tell my clients to pick their battles and be gentle with themselves and their teens. But I’m no perfect mother. It’s hard to stay calm when my teen or tween is saying all their problems are my fault. But like everyone else, I’m trying to better. This is A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice.
With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to help their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several episodes I’ll share some of the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you support your teen, so everyone suffers less. In today’s episode I’ll teach the DBT STOP skill, a skill that helps you stop a conflict before you do or say something you’ll regret.
Stop Skill
The other day I got into a disagreement with my son. He’s a teenager and this is not an uncommon occurrence. He wanted to go out with friend, and he needed to finish homework. The situation escalated quickly. He started yelling at me and telling me I’m a terrible mother. Then he ran upstairs and slammed his bedroom door. This of course made me angry. How dare he say I’m a bad mother? I’m constantly making sacrifices for him. Who does he think he is? As a mom, my impulse was to run upstairs behind him, bang on his door and demand that he come out and apologize. As a therapist, I know that would likely have only made the situation worse. So, what could I do Instead of acting on my emotions, the stop skill.
We’ve all been in that situation at one time or another. Our emotions take over creating the intense urge to act impulsively. When that happens, the last thing we should do is have a conversation, problem solve or confront someone. When emotions are high our only job is to get back to an even keel or risk making the situation worse.
The DBT Stop Skill is the answer. STOP is DBT Acronym that stands for:
· Stop
· Take a Step back
· Observe
· Proceed mindfully
§ STOP
· Don’t React, just freeze
o Stay in control, if you notice yourself starting to get angry or out of control take a pause. It’s much more effective to pause and consider your next move than to act on your emotions. It might seem weird or uncomfortable to pause, but it’s much worse to act on your emotions.
§ Take A Step Back
· Physically or in your mind
· Give yourself time to calm down and think
· Take a deep breath
Don’t be controlled by emotion, while your emotion is valid and understandable, acting on your emotion will only make the situation worse.
· You are not your emotion, emotions are powerful, especially anger which motivates use to act, but we don’t have to follow that action urge.
· After you take a step back you might have to use some crisis survival skills, paced breathing, intense exercise, etc. to get back to an even keel. Do whatever you have to do to keep from acting on your emotions and doing something you’ll regret.
· When you’re ready:
§ Observe
· Notice what is going on in your mind and body
· Remind yourself of your goal in the situation? So often our goal gets lost in the shuffle when things get emotionally intense. Anger makes us feel like we must prove our point or win the argument. But there is not prize for winning this argument.
· Mindfully gather the relevant facts
· What are the other doing or saying? Are they upset? You don’t want to continue the conversation until all parties are ready.
· What are your options? Continue the conversation in a calmer state of mind, table to conversation for another day, write an email if the conversation is too emotionally charged to do in person.
§ Proceed mindfully
· ONLY WHEN YOU ARE READY
Being mindful is the opposite of acting on your emotions
In the above scenario, I had to wait hours for both me and my son to be ready to talk. During that time, I exercised, vented to a friend, distracted myself with a favorite NETFLIX show. When he was ready, he came down and apologized for his outburst and what he said. As many of us do he said things he didn’t mean when he was very angry. I often liken these teen outbursts to toddler tantrum with better vocabulary.
Then he told us he was stressed about some things at school, and he was sorry to have taken out his stress on me. We were able to validate his perspective and discuss a way for him to get his work done and see his friends. The bottom line is by stopping the initial argument and waiting until all parties were able to continue, we got a rare glimpse into what was really bothering him.
Thanks so much for your support of A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice. If you connected with what you heard here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. And if you have enjoyed what you’ve heard here, please subscribe, rate and review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.