This new series of podcast parent tips aims to help you reduce conflict and better connect with your teen. In the fourth episode, learn to create a self-soothing kit to ease emotional intensity and get through a meltdown without making the situation worse.
DBT is Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a model of therapy created by Dr. Marsha Linehan, that has been proven effective at helping people learn to tolerate stress, regulate emotions, improve communication and create a happier more contented life.
Thanks so much for your support of A Therapist Takes Her Own Advice. If you connected with what you heard here, and you want to work with me, go to my website, rebekahshackney.com and send a message through my contact page. And if you have enjoyed what you’ve heard here, please subscribe, rate and review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to podcasts.
To learn more about DBT group therapy with Rebekah Shackney LCSW, go to https://rebekahshackney.com/groups
To learn more about DBT group therapy with Rebekah Shackney LCSW, go to https://rebekahshackney.com/groups
With a teen mental health crisis raging many parents are at a loss as to how to support their kids and ease the tension at home. In the next several episodes I’ll share the DBT skills I teach my clients and use with my own kids. My goal is to help you empathize and connect with your teen, so everyone suffers less. In today’s episode I’m talking about assembling a self-soothing kit
When teen emotions run high all of us (parents and kids) want to make it better. As a mom my initial impulse is usually to try to fix the problem. But as a therapist, I know that attempts at problem solving when emotions are out of control will only make the situation worse. We can’t problem solve our way out of an intense emotion.
What can you do instead? Reach for your self-soothing kit. Creating a self-soothing kit takes planning ahead, but it’s worth it to manage meltdowns. They may happen a lot or a little in your house, but they will happen.
Ask yourself, how does your teen or tween react when they lose something, when they’re disappointed (they don’t make the team or don’t get the part), when they have a conflict with a friend or a sibling, when they must do something, they don’t want to do. If they are like my kids sometimes it’s not pretty. During these moments you may feel like yelling at them, helping them problem solve, or making light of the problem, but these strategies don’t work. Creating a self-soothing kit is like investing in a little insurance to make sure you can get through the situation without making the situation worse.
A self-soothing kit is a collection of items to have on hand to use when the meltdown hits. The idea is to use the items in the kit to bring down the level of emotional pain so you can make the next right choice (solve the problem, accept the problem, rethink the problem, etc.)
It might be fun to work with your tween or teen to tailor the items to them. Find a box, bag or basket and assemble things that can help you get through a difficult moment. Think about triggering the 5 senses. Stimulating the senses can shift the focus from the emotion and reduce its intensity. My suggestions are not exhaustive. Add your own ideas. It’s important to practice using kit before the meltdown hits to figure out what works and what doesn’t.
Taste: Add in gum, mints, chocolates...anything they like. When my kids are melting down, I pop a piece of gum in their mouths. The act of chewing, smelling, tasting, helps them regulate their emotions in about 5-10 minutes. It works every time.
Vision: Make a feel-good photo album with people, places and things that make your teen happy. You can do this digitally on a smart phone or use hard copies. Make a list of links to funny YouTube Videos, favorite TV shows, movies, etc. Add positive messages that help you cope. “You won’t feel like this forever.” “You’ve done hard things before and survived. You can do it again.”
Hearing: Create a few playlists, one with calming music, one with favorite songs that make your kid smile, one with energizing music that can help motivate them, make a list of links to favorite podcasts, guided meditations. If your teen is willing listen while they vent or encourage them to call a friend, their therapist, or a family member to talk. When I’m stressed, I put on the Hamilton soundtrack and sing at the top of my lungs.
Smell: Smell is our most primitive sense, and it will most readily evoke memories or different emotions. Find aroma therapy lotions, oils, or candles that trigger relaxation and/or happiness, use perfume that you love, write a note to remind yourself of other things you can do go outside and breath the fresh air, make coffee, pop popcorn, etc.
Touch: Add different fidgets: a stress ball, silly putty, fidget spinner, favorite stuffed animal, use a weighted blanket, write a suggestion note with things to do take a hot bath or shower, have facial, put on comfortable clothes, wear cozy slippers or socks, massage neck, face and temples, tense and relax each muscle group one at a time.
Again, I strongly recommend creating a self-soothing kit for everyone in the family. Do it together and a make a fun project out of it. Try out the kit with mild annoyances before you need it for big meltdowns. Also, you can combine the activities to make them more effective. Remember, the purpose of the crisis survival kit is not to solve the problem at hand. The purpose is to reduce emotional suffering for your teen (and yourself).