How to Forgive the People Who Have Hurt You

Is there someone in your life that has really hurt you and you’re struggling to let the issue go. 

Are you harbouring so much anger and resentment towards them that it’s hard to bring yourself to forgive them for what they did?

When someone has abused us; attacked, cheated, betrayed, rejected, ridiculed or ignored us; treated us unfairly or taken advantage of us, the pain and trauma can run deep and be difficult to come back from.

So why, you might ask, when you’ve been hurt so deeply, should you even think about forgiveness? Why should you forgive someone when they have inflicted so much pain on you?

Well, there is one really good reason, and that is... to put an end to your own suffering. 

Forgiveness is not about the other person; it is all about you and your happiness and well-being.

In this podcast I talk through why it's in your interests to think about letting go of the past and, more importantly, the process required to do this. 

Thanks for listening!

You can discover more about my work on my website: https://www.harinderghatora.co.uk

Follow me on Instagram for free information on healthy, balanced living: https://www.instagram.com/harinder_ghatora/

Transcript

Hello,

It’s Harinder here, Holistic Life Coach... helping you to bring peace and balance back into your life. 

Let me ask you a question. 

Is there someone in your life that has really hurt you and you’re struggling to let the issue go? 

Are you harbouring so much anger and resentment towards them that it’s hard to bring yourself to forgive them for what they did?

When someone has abused us; attacked, cheated, betrayed, rejected, ridiculed or ignored us; treated us unfairly or taken advantage of us, the pain and trauma can run deep and be difficult to come back from.

So why, you might ask, when you’ve been hurt so deeply, should you even think about forgiveness? Why should you forgive someone when they have inflicted so much pain on you?

Well, there is one really good reason, and that is... to put an end to your own suffering. 

Holding onto feelings of anger, bitterness, hatred or resentment towards another not only keeps you weirdly bound to that person, emotionally and energetically, but it also causes you ongoing mental and emotional distress. 

It keeps you in a heightened state of stress, where your automatic nervous system is constantly being activated and your body flushed with stress hormones every time you think about that person and what they did. Eventually this disrupts your body’s normal functioning and in the long run can easily lead to problems with sleep, anxiety and depression. From my work as an energy healer I can tell you that anger often sits at the core of serious physical health problems too. 

When heavy emotions like anger, bitterness, hatred and resentment are not processed, their energy intensifies over time. They can take on a life of their own and become toxic, slowly seeping into the rest of your life – your home, your relationships and your workplace. This kind of toxicity generates mistrust, conflict and tension with people and situations that have nothing to do with the person who hurt you. 

I’m guessing that at some point in your life you’ve been on the receiving end of someone’s grumpy, sarcastic or nasty behaviour and you know it had nothing to do with you. It’s just who they are; miserable, disgruntled and bitter. I think we can all agree that’s not a healthy way to live. And, we certaionly do not want to become that person.

Holding onto a grudge for a long period of time can easily turn you into that person without you even realising. 

Another reason to work towards letting things go is that we are doing it for ourselves not for the other person.

Occasionally we can get so caught up in nursing a grudge that we forget that, at the end of the day, it is us who are holding onto the negativity, not the other person.

Mark Twain famously said ...and I quote: 

 “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”  Unquote.

We need to remember that by holding onto a grudge we are allowing the person who has wronged us permission to be in our head, to influence our mood and to adversely affect our happiness and well being. What right do they have to do this? By holding onto the grudge we’re giving them that power. 

For these reasons it’s worth letting things go.

They may or may not deserve your forgiveness, but you deserve to release the emotional burden you are carrying. 

Forgiveness doesn’t mean you condone the other person’s actions.

It doesn’t mean you think what they did was okay or that you’ll ever trust them again.

Nor does it mean you become a doormat to further abuse.

Forgiving means one thing and one thing only….that you are choosing, as an act of self-care, to detach from the pain, judgement, fear, animosity and blame that is weighing you down so that you can heal from the past and move on with your life.

It means you are choosing to live your life more fully in the present moment. 

It has little if anything to do with the other person. 

Forgiveness is an inner journey; one that you take for your own sanity and peace of mind. 

Now, no one would claim it’s an easy path, but there’s no doubt that the benefits to your mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health are significant. By forgiving, you:

•  regain authority over your inner world
•  you lower your anxiety and stress levels 
•  you alleviate depression
•  you become more empowered, as you stop being the victim
•  you reduce dis-ease in your body (including lowering your blood pressure, your cholesterol levels, the risk of a heart attack, and gastrointestinal and other bodily pains)
• you enhance your relationships with others
• you’re more able to cultivate a stronger spiritual connection
• and, you live life with a greater sense of ease and enjoyment.

I’d say it’s worth making the effort, wouldn’t you?

So, if forgiving is in our own best interests, then how do we do it? 

It’s important to be aware that it’s a process; one that honours and integrates all aspects of your being: the mental, emotional, spiritual and physical. 

Neglecting any one of these aspects keeps you stuck because it creates internal conflict; one part of you is ready to heal while the other is holding you back. 

If, however, you engage with the process in a step-by-step, integrated way, as I present in this podcast, you will in time reach a place of lightness and detachment that truly endures.   

The first step is simply to make an inner commitment 

Call to mind the person who has wronged you and make a commitment to yourself that starting now, you will do whatever it takes to put the issue behind you. There may be a part of you that resists; that’s okay. All you need is a little willingness to begin shifting the energy of the situation in a positive direction.

Step 2: Acknowledge, Allow, Accept and Express your Feelings

This is an important part of the process as it’s these feelings that are anchoring in the thoughts and preventing you from moving forward. 

Many of us have a hard time with anger and other difficult emotions. I don’t know about you but I was conditioned to believe that anger was wrong and I was actively discouraged from expressing it in any way; shouting, screaming, arguing was never allowed and you can forget about swearing and raging! 

Now, I’m not saying that you need to act your anger out in this aggressive way but you do need to wake up to and accept your true feelings – the whole brutal, honest truth. 

Don’t judge yourself. Don’t feel bad. Don’t hide from it. You were wronged. You have every right to be angry.

Once you’ve given space to the full spectrum of your deepest and ugliest emotions, find a safe, private space to unleash them. 

I emphasis the word private. 

This has nothing to do with the other person. This is about you giving these emotions space to move out of your being. 

If you feel the need to spew nasty words onto a sheet of paper, do that. 

If this involves viciously throwing paint onto canvas, do that. 

If it means punching a punch bag, go for it. 

There are venues where you can put on safety equipment and violently smash things with a hammer or chop things with an axe. If that calls to you make the effort to find such a place. It doesn’t matter how you express yourself, just do it and don’t hold back. 

It can feel brilliantly liberating!
 
And, remember you’re not hurting anyone. You are simply expressing…releasing the anger you feel…on your own.

Step 3: Visualise Venting your Anger at the Person Who’s Wronged You

In this step I emphasis the word visualise. You are not being advised to rant at the person in question. Visualise this person standing in front of you and either in your imagination or in writing (perhaps in the form of a letter) tell them in no uncertain terms exactly how you feel about them. Direct the full force of your judgement, your fury, your loathing, whatever it is, at this person. Imagine what you want to do to them. Don’t be afraid to go with whatever your imagination offers up.

A lot of people stumble at this step as it challenges their view of themselves. If I got a pound every time someone said, “Oh no…no. I’m not an angry person”  I’d be very rich.

Many of us have been so conditioned in being calm and quiet that we can’t get in touch with our anger. It is there. It has to be. 

The Universe gave us anger to a) alert us to the fact that someone has violated our boundaries and b) give us the energy to do something about it. I genuinely believe we were given the energy of anger to protect our soul….the spark of the Divine within. But, societies, cultures and families have taught us to suppress this energy and told us it is bad. We are bad if we get angry.

For the exercise we’re doing, just for a few moments, know that you’re not a bad person for feeling angry. It’s only human that a part of you would want to attack the person who has inflicted pain on you. The critical thing here is that you are not actually inflicting pain on anybody…..you are simply imagining it…briefly... for a few moments. You’re not harming them in any way – it goes without saying that’s not the right thing to do for your own sake.  But you do have a right to fully and truthfully express your pain, and that is what you are doing here…in your imagination. 

You are simply looking after yourself.

Bear in mind that if you choose to write a letter, it’s not advisable to send it. Instead, I suggest you rip it up or shred it and then either burn or bury it. 

This step, together with the previous one, is a critical part of this forgiveness process, because expression really is the golden key that will unlock and release all the emotional heaviness you are carrying. If you need a little more help with this then check out my previous podcast on anger, “Are You Ready to Explode With Anger”.  There’s more guidance on working through anger in there.

After you have diffused the emotional charge around the issue using Steps 2 and 3 move onto Step 4: Find It in Yourself to Accept What Happened

Sometimes we avoid fully facing up to the unpleasant things we’ve experienced by denying them (“I just can’t believe that happened!”), resisting them (“That should never have happened!”) or wishing that things had been different. Yet no amount of mental acrobatics can change the reality that it did happen. It’s only by confronting reality and fully accepting it that it becomes possible to move past it.

Step 5: Give your Mind Reasons to Forgive

Ask yourself: Is this grudge serving me in any way? In what ways is it creating more suffering? How would forgiving benefit me? Refer to the beginning of this podcast for help with this, and write down your responses to help deepen your reflections. What would happen if you just let it go?

Step 6: Try Viewing the Situation from a Different Perspective 

Now, this step is optional, depending on your circumstances. If you have suffered acute harm or anguish at the hands of another, it may not be appropriate for you to do this. But, if you can bring yourself to, it may soften your feelings around the relationship.

Spend some time reflecting on why this person may have behaved the way they did. Were they under a great deal of stress? Did they lash out because they were afraid? Did they have a difficult childhood and as a consequence are now incapable of functioning as a balanced human being? Were they themselves abused or betrayed?

This is not to minimise your pain or make excuses for what they did. It’s simply to provide context and to help you open up to the idea that it’s often a person’s own wounding, limiting beliefs and unresolved emotions that cause them to hurt another. What’s that saying? “It’s only hurt people that  hurt people.”

As you examine what occurred between you and the other person, it may be worth reflecting on your own conduct. Perhaps you played some part in the way things turned out. If so, is there any learning you can take from it? With the benefit of this expanded perspective, what might you do differently, if anything, in the future?

And, finally Step 7: Let It Go

Provided you’ve worked through each of the preceding stages, it’s now time to shut the door on the past and to let it go, once and for all. 

Once you’ve decided to let the issue go, do something symbolic. You can come up with a myriad of ways to do this, but here are two example to get you thinking.

The first one is a powerful visualisation I often use with clients and it can be immensely liberating. 

Find a time to be alone. Then, imagine you are standing at the edge of a riverbank where a small boat is waiting for you. Step into the boat and picture it taking you all the way across to the other side. As you journey across the river to the opposite bank, see the island where you started from receding further and further into the distance. Notice how by the time you arrive at the other shore it is barely visible. This island represents your past and the wrong you’ve endured. Nothing on it, nothing in your past, can touch you now for there’s a vast river standing between you. You’ve left it all behind. You’re finally free.

There’s another example of symbolically letting things go. Close your eyes. Imagine holding a magic wand in your hand and waving it over your head and body to gather up all the pain and negativity.

Give this negative energy a colour and texture (e.g. rough, prickly, slimy, red, orange, green) and see the wand drawing it all out of your body.

See a bubble forming on the tip of your wand. When you’ve finished, firmly propel this bubble into the air and see it floating away into the sky.

See it getting smaller and smaller as it floats further and further away from you, and continue watching it until it disappears.

Now mentally draw a line on the ground in front of you and, taking one big step, cross over the line. As you take this step, vow to completely leave the issue behind.

Don’t think about it.

Don’t talk about it ever again.

You are free.

By doing this exercise, you’ve created room for peace and happiness to flow into your life; letting go of the pain and heavy emotions you were carrying.

I do need to say that wiping the slate clean in this way doesn’t mean you will forget what happened. It’s foolish to forget as you don’t want to put yourself in the same position again. 

Nor does it mean you have to keep the person in question in your life. Whether or not you continue the relationship is entirely up to you. And if you do, it’s up to you to decide what shape the relationship will take and what boundaries you need to put in place. If someone has been particularly abusive the right and proper thing to do is to shut the door on them forever and never let them back into your life. 

It takes great strength of character to heal your grievances. Forgiving is certainly not a sign of weakness, as some might believe. There’s a lot of truth in these words from the American pastor and writer Dave Willis, who says: 

And, I quote:

“Holding a grudge doesn’t make you strong; it makes you bitter. Forgiving doesn’t make you weak; it sets you free.” 

Unquote.

The promise of that inner freedom is what makes this a road worth taking. 

I hope this podcast has been of some practical help and given you some food for thought.

If you attempt this process and still have trouble letting go, then it may be because the discord is rooted in a deeper part of your being. For example, some conflicts have their roots in previous lives and no amount of mental willpower can shift all the discordant energies. Check out the services page of my website to read about the healing modality I offer. It’s called Divine Healing and it can cleanly and efficiently help you to let go. We can’t solve a problem at the level at which it was created so sometimes we need to bring in higher levels of consciousness to clear things out. Divine Healing allows us to do just that.

Okay…that’s it for now. And, remember… take good care of yourself, because we both know that if you don’t know-one else will. 

Bye for now.