Breaking the Silence: A Veteran’s Journey Through Addiction and Recovery

  Veteran Corey Hickman AKA "ADOS Actual" shares his journey through substance abuse, rehab, and recovery, highlighting the power of vulnerability, community support, and mental health care.

Topics Covered:
• Substance abuse and addiction
• Entering rehab
• Veteran mental health
• Vulnerability and healing
• Community support
• Recovery and personal growth

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Chapters:

00:00 Veteran Addiction and Substance Abuse Overview
 00:58 Isolation, Pride, and Early Struggles
 05:58 Resisting Help and Hitting the Wall
 12:06 Entering Rehab: The Turning Point
 17:51 Recovery and Self-Discovery
 26:02 Facing Milestones in Treatment
 32:45 Structure, Freedom, and Sobriety
 37:29 Vulnerability and Healing
 43:52 Sharing Stories to Break Isolation
 50:04 Transforming Anger Into Growth
 52:29 Surviving the Recovery Process
 54:16 Brain Injury and Mental Health
 57:06 Building a Support System
 01:00:16 Family Crisis and Treatment
 01:03:06 Coping With Loss and Grief
 01:06:23 Strength Through Sobriety
 01:09:11 Healing Loudly and Advocacy
 01:12:04 Community Support for Veterans
 01:15:54 Accessing Help Without Barriers

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Transcript

Framing Marijuana And Numbing

SPEAKER_04 0:00

There's two things that we truth. We can advocate for marijuana, and we can also say that's too much of a good thing. It's fucking bad for us. We use something to escape when it becomes a numb out. They tune in and numb the fuck out of that. And we have to be willing to say, whoa, fuck the brake. I need to do exactly what Cory did. I need to go to help. Our veterans are very hard to advocate for because they want to say that it's a weakness. It's not a weakness, Corey. It's a great fucking strength.

SPEAKER_00 0:30

What kind of started my downfall was coming home from a deployment, getting divorced, losing a really, really good civilian career. I felt just a tremendous amount of shame. I felt a tremendous amount of failure. I didn't think anything good about myself. So I went and checked myself into a hospital at Fort Gordon. I just walked in and said I needed help. And I guess they could look at me and know exactly what I meant.

Burnout, Isolation, And Substance Spiral

SPEAKER_04 1:07

Corey Hickman, welcome to Security Hub Podcast. Thank man, glad to be here. It's a pleasure to have you, brother. Um, out there for those who uh are privy to our Instagram and follow us. If not, here's our Instagram channel. Give us a follow real quick. Uh if you follow us, you know, we collaborate and post stuff from this gentleman right here, Ados Actual. He's had many a profile, many a times he's been deleted and brought back. But the great thing about Corey is he's been uh one of our day one uh in the trenches dudes, way back to when it was uh a three-man endeavor, then a four and five-man endeavor, and then just became me. It's just me. Corey's been there quietly supporting us, sharing our memes, sharing our content. And it's been the uh the wind beneath my wings. Corey, thank you for being here today, man. I I want to talk about your recent journey because I think it absolutely resonates with the audience and it it it touches on something that I talk about being able to take care of yourself and put yourself first. And uh you you've in the last few months, dare I say the last year, you've been going through it. So today, my man, I want to dive into your journey.

SPEAKER_02 2:14

Yeah.

Brain Injury Red Flags And Pride

Rehab Requirement And Humbling Up

Partner’s Perspective And Accountability

Checking Into Rehab And Detox Reality

Early Resistance And Warriors Anonymous

Host’s PSA On Addiction And Courage

Suicidal Crisis And Hospitalization

SPEAKER_01 2:15

Um, first off, it's it's good to be back. I know we haven't done one of these in a couple years. Uh between being busy and you know, the three-man show to the five-man show has just been hectic. Um yeah, the journey has been has been rough waters over the past year, but we're finally in some fair wind and following seas. We've got some good stuff going. Um I was extending myself, you know, so much just trying to be available to everyone else. And I really kind of like put myself on the back burner. I wasn't taking care of myself. Um, I wasn't as fit. I wasn't going to the gym. Like, really started isolating. And uh with that, you know, I started hitting the bottle pretty hard. Um I started getting into substance abuse. I was smoking like way more weed than any one person should ever try to consume. And like I don't say that as like a braggadocious thing, but I say that more as like uh it was really out of hand, like financially, physically, from a health standpoint, like I I was just not being smart about how I was doing things. And um, you know, I was basically just waking up, smoking, drinking, and sitting in the house just making memes or brain riding on YouTube or Instagram all day. And um somebody told me about a brain injury center here in Atlanta called the Shepherd Center. I was like, hey, you're starting to show some symptoms of uh some brain injury stuff, you know, like your hands are trembling a lot, you've got some balance issues, like it's hard for you to remember stuff. Um maybe you should reach out. So, you know, I I was kind of proud and you know, not not wanting to admit that I had a problem when it came to that. Like I didn't want to I didn't want to admit weakness at that point. Like, and that's how I viewed it was like if I go to these people and say that I have a problem, like, oh, that's not very macho army man of me. So like um I did some soul searching and you know, I I prayed about it and I you know just bit the bullet and I reached out and the shepherd center was like, Hey, you know, like you seem like a pretty good fit for us. Um and during my intake questionnaire, they you know, they asked you, Do you drink? Do you smoke? And I was like, both. And they were like, Okay, well, how much are you consuming a day? And when I told them, they were like, Yeah, you're gonna have to go to rehab for this, like before we can take you. And I like laughed, literally, like laughed, on the phone with the lady and was like, Are you serious? Like, you want me to go to rehab for weed? Like, it's not even addictive, it's like chemically not addictive. So, like, why would I go to rehab? And then like I caught myself getting like angry and combative, and I was like, We can't burn this bridge. Like, that's not the right answer, so let's let's humble ourselves and you know, swallow this pride for a second. And I was like, Okay, tell me exactly what I have to do in order to become a client for you guys and to receive this treatment. And she said point blank, period, like you're gonna have to go to rehab. And I was like, Okay, do you know of any good ones, like military-specific ones, like because I don't want to go to Emory Hospital or you know, just some random rehab, like I wanted to try to selfishly I wanted to try to control as much of the variables as I could. And I knew that if I could get into a place with a veteran-friendly or veteran-specific organization, then my chances of being able to relate to my peers and the other clients would help me along. So they mentioned this place called Warrior's Heart, and I had literally never heard of it, just like I had never heard of the Shepherd Center. So I did a quick Google search and was like, okay, yeah, this place looks legit. Like it looks like a a pretty good fit. So I reached out to the team um at Warriors Heart and they informed me, you know, hey, we've got a campus in Texas, and we've also got a campus in uh Virginia. And, you know, take this questionnaire, you know, let's talk, let's figure out what we need to do. So I took a questionnaire and I sent it back, and they were like, Yeah, you definitely qualify. And um, you know, at this point I was still kind of like too prideful. Like I I hadn't fully committed to recovery or overcoming trauma yet. I was still kind of like, I you know, I'm a fucking combat veteran. I've been to Afghanistan twice, you know, the Taliban couldn't kill me, ISIS couldn't kill me, but here I am about to tell these people like, hey, I'm fucked up and I need some help. And they were like really, really genuine people. They were really, really nice, really respectful, really like opened me with like welcomed me with open arms, and they walked me through the process and they gave me a date to report, which for me was September 15th. And this was like late August. And I was dating this girl at the time, and she was spun up on the situation. She had, you know, recommended me to go to the Shepherd Center because she knew some of the people that worked there. And I was like, you know, I don't know about this. Like I I'm not a hundred percent sure about this because like if we're calling a spade a spade, sitting around and smoking weed is kind of a good, a good thing. Like it's you know what I mean? Like, I'm not struggling, I'm not, you know, yeah, like this is this is I don't want to say my desired lifestyle, but this is this is we could do this. Like, this isn't, you know, I've just smoked weed and play Xbox. Like, what's wrong with that? And she was like, you know, honestly, from a partner perspective, you know, like it's frustrating when you don't remember things, and it's frustrating when you kind of just blow things off because you would rather sit at home and smoke than it is to, you know, go out and be active in the community or to try to help other people, like, and I don't know what of your symptoms are brain injury and what of it is from you smoking so much. And I was like, okay, fair. And it never got to the point where she was like, hey, I will leave you if you don't go do this. It was basically like, hey, I would really appreciate if you did this because it would not only be good for us, but it would be good for our family unit because she had kids. So it was like my first experience with uh being a father figure or a role model, and like I really wanted to be good at that. Like I really, really valued and was motivated by being a good role model and being a good father figure because like this episode of Security Health is brought to you by Dr.

Emotional Dependence And The Cost Of Weed

SPEAKER_04 8:57

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Daily Structure, PT, And Humility

Electives: Woodshop, Art, And Purpose

Finding Flow And Engaging The Work

Vulnerability As Strength

Going All In On Recovery

SPEAKER_01 9:47

How can I tell the kids not to do drugs if I myself am, you know, doing drugs? And I would never smoke around them. I would never smoke at like the house or anything like that. And um it just made me feel dirty because it's like, what a hypocrite, bro. Like, I'm telling these kids not to do something, but here I am, as soon as I'm not around their mom, I'm you know, lighting up a blunt and firing up Pacific on Amazon. Um so I very specific. Yeah. Corey. That was that was my go-to thing to watch, man. Like watching John Basilone gun down a gajillion Japanese soldiers on Guadalcanal when I was high was just a really, really good time. Um, not to say that it's not when I'm not high, but you know, it uh for some reason it just hit different. So I I committed and I got a flight. Um I said, you know, am I going to Virginia or Texas? And I was really fingers crossed for Virginia because it's hot as fuck in Texas. Um I live in Georgia and it's a different kind of heat in Texas than it is in Georgia, and I just I did not want to go to Texas and put me boots on ground in Virginia at like 1345. Really, really short flight. Um the days prior to that, I was just kind of like I didn't know what to expect. So I was not I won't say scared, but I was like really anxious and trepidatious because I didn't I didn't know what I was getting myself into. Like, am I gonna be under complete control, like basic training the first three or four weeks over again? Am I gonna have any sort of freedom? You know, are they gonna take my shoelaces and my belt? Like what what to expect? And they picked me up at the airport and the driver was super nice. Hey man, how was your flight? Uh how's it going? My name is so-and-so. Um, I served in this branch from this time, and this was my job, and this is my experience. And you know, we just shot the shit for like the 45-minute ride to the facility. And when you like, when I pulled through the gates, I was like, oh shit, this is real. Like, can't turn around now, can't leave. Um, you know, when I got out, there was four or five staff members that were waiting there, and like the first words out of their mouth were welcome home. And I was like, Come on, bro, this isn't my home. You know what I mean? Like, I live in Georgia, this is Virginia, like this isn't home. And then they walk me in, and you know, you do some intake stuff, so they make sure that you know you don't have to go to detox or anything like that. Because, like, anybody who's listening, I would highly advise you to not try to cold turkey alcohol because there are serious health implications whenever you do that. Like, you can get really, really injured and really, really messed up from trying to cold turkey alcohol. Yeah, and really, really dead. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I really didn't know like all the risk with alcohol, and like I'm not much of a drinker. Like, I don't like hangovers and I don't like throwing up. And that's like with me drinking, there's only two speeds. There's like I'm having one drink and going home, or I'm full sinned and I'm gonna drink until you know I've puked up everything from the last week and I'm gonna wake up with like the worst hangover and all the man. But luckily I have like not drank for a while, so I was good on that end. And uh I would say within like the first hour of me getting out of intake, I was in my first session. You know, just open open grass where they had horses, and then there was, you know, like woods and a hiking trail and all of this other stuff, and I was like, okay, yeah, this is pretty fucking cool. Um But I wasn't I wasn't mentally checked into getting healthy. I was still kind of on this, okay, well, I have to check this box to get to the Shepherd Center. So I'm not gonna create trouble for myself, but at the same time, I'm not gonna go balls to the wall and embrace this fully because like what's the fucking point? I'm here for weed. All these other jokers are here for various things. Could have been hard drugs, it could have been alcohol, whatever. So I sat in on uh they have their own version of AA, which is called Warriors Anonymous. Yeah. Um so they assign you a lot of.

The Lifeline Exercise And Release

Serving Others And Listening

Coin Out And Redefining Identity

Anger As A Drug

Shepherd Center: Tough Diagnostics

Building A Treatment Team And Trust

SPEAKER_04 14:08

I want to see if we um we can pause right now. I want to take a security health segue. I just want to hit this point with the audience. Like there are two things can be true. We can advocate for marijuana, and we can also say that too much of a good thing is fucking bad for us. When we use something to escape, when it becomes a numb out, a tune-in and numb the fuck out session, we have to be willing to say, whoa, pump the brakes. I need to do exactly what Corey did. I need to go get help. It's easy to fucking fall down that slippery slope, man. And kudos for you for addressing that and being willing to say, you know what, no, no, I'm not, I'm not gonna kick this can down the road. There's something going on. I shouldn't be using this every single night. Like, it's it's completely understandable. It's completely okay. It's like alcohol, man. People some people can drink it and put it down, have a great, they can toast with friends. Others, it becomes a a possession. It becomes something that takes over them. And the only way to go through for the rest of their life to be healthy is to walk away completely from it. Uh every individual needs to address this issue with whatever they have in life. Pornography is another one. Pornography is something that can and it has. So many people are advocating for it, and and it's it's such a destructive thing, but it's it's so easy to say, well, I only do it a couple of times. It's like, dude, anything in your life that's taking over, that's completely taking over the way you interact with individuals, the way that you live your life, if it's not a healthy uh interaction, address it. Be willing to stand up for yourself and say, I need help. That the thing that most people can't uh understand is um our veterans are are very very hard to advocate for because they want to say that it's a weakness. And it's not a weakness, Corey. It's a great fucking strength. It's a great sign of emotional intelligence and strength when you're able to stand up for yourself and say, Nope, I need help. Like we do it in the military. If we needed help with the task or anything, even if we knew our platoons are was gonna smoke the dog shit out of us for not being able to figure it out, we'd still be willing to say, hey, I need help with this, man. And I I just want to acknowledge you, and and I'm I'm I am so fucking proud of you, man. Like I said, you've been there for me, you've been there for the show for years now. And we've touched on it, we've talked, we've talked, and we engaged, and we've known, like, man, there's something going on. Like, I need to address this. But you for you to take ownership of this problem and fucking go into this fight, and I've been there, different, different sort of treatment center, but they don't let you have your shoelaces and belt there. And it's scary, dude. It's fucking scary to show up to go to Lower Ridge and be like, you know, I don't, I don't want to off myself. And if you can help me not want to do that, I'm gonna be here. So man, I I'm just so fucking proud of you, brother. And you're for everybody out there that's that's dealing with this with a demon like this, right here, right here. Here's an individual that's that fought back, and he's he's not fucking Arnold Schwarzenegger, he's not some fucking Navy SEAL or some fucking douche Green Beret with a podcast, like 50 fucking thousand of them. No, he's he's a fucking badass normal American male, flesh and bone, and he's fighting back and he's able to take control of his life, man. Like you're you're a fucking giant, man, for doing this and for being willing to come on here and share this with others because they need to hear it, man. If they can see that Corey can fight back, Corey can fucking address and say, you know what? I don't want to drink myself into oblivion. I don't want to smoke myself into a fucking vegetative state. I'm gonna take ownership of my life, man. Like that you're the hero we fucking need, man. You're the person we need to promote and highlight because it gives other veterans the understanding that we can fight back, we can win this, man. So back to our regularly scheduled event.

Finding Rhythm And Hard Work

Family Emergency And Program Support

Grief Without Substances

SPEAKER_01 18:31

Yeah, I'd um I've been to a facility where you know you couldn't have shoelaces and you had to wear grippy socks. Um what kind of started my downfall was coming home from a deployment, getting divorced, uh, losing a really, really good civilian career. And I felt just a tremendous amount of shame. I felt a tremendous amount of failure, a tremendous amount of like I didn't think anything good about myself. And it got to the point where I hopped in my car with my gun and was going to drive to Charleston and I was gonna end it. About halfway to Charleston, I was like, why don't I drive all the way to Charleston? That's just two more hours of suffering. So let's just pull over on the side of the road and do it here. So I I pulled over and um I didn't PCC or PCI, I didn't fucking press check, I didn't, you know, ensure my weapon was in working status because I always kept it loaded. There was no safety on it, whatever the fuck. So I kind of just sat there for a few minutes and I was like, okay, cool, um, this is it. And when I pulled the trigger, it didn't go off. Like there's no external safety mechanism, there's no trigger safety on this weapon system. So it was just click, and I was like angry. I was so angry, like I couldn't understand because like as an infantryman, your whole thing is weapons, right? Like you're supposed to be a weapons expert. Your your shit should always be in working condition. Whenever you want it to work and you need it to work, it should work because your life or your more importantly, your buddy's life is on the line for that. So like I was even more ashamed and even more angry. And um, so I literally squeezed again because like it was gonna it reset and I squeezed again and nothing. And I was like, okay, well that this is fucking beyond me, bro. Like, I know I I don't even want to know the odds of like what the chances of this happening are. So like I dropped the mag, I cleared the weapon, and I pulled the round out, and it had been struck twice. Like I had I had a marker from you know the firing pin hitting the primer in two separate spots and the round just failed to go off. And I was like, I spent a lot of money on this gun. It's supposed to be fucking reliable as shit. Um fucking high point. Right, like, well, this was this was like a fucking$1,800 SIG that I got myself. Um and I was like, for fuck's sake, bro, like why did I spend all this money on this gun and it doesn't fucking work? Like, fuck this, dude. So I immediately realized Deer SIG.

SPEAKER_04 21:05

Yeah, yeah, it wasn't an M17, thank God. Um This episode is brought to you by Pure Liberty Labs. Quality supplements designed to elevate your health and performance. Check out their full line of quality supplements, whether you're looking for whey protein, pre-workout, creatine, or super greens drink. Pure Liberty Labs has you covered. Use my code security hall10 at checkout today.

Measurable Gains And Accountability

Healing Loudly To Reach Others

Community Over Stigma

SPEAKER_01 21:29

But I realized like right then, right there, that there was a fucking problem. So I went and checked myself into a hospital um at Fort Gordon. I just walked in and said I needed help, and I guess they could look at me and know exactly what I meant. And I spent like the next six or seven days there um receiving treatment. So from drinking and smoking that much, like you know, I said earlier that weed is not chemically addictive. And scientifically that is a fact. However, I have Let it reach a point where I was emotionally dependent on weed. If I couldn't get high, then I was irritable. I was anxious. I was mad. I was just looking for the next excuse to smoke. And if I was like out of town and didn't have anything with me, I was like Daddy Downer. This fucking sucks. Like, this is terrible. Like, who fucking cares that I'm at a Braves game? I'm not high. You know what I mean? And like I really didn't like how that made me feel. Um not to mention that I was spending right at about$2,000 a month feeding my habit. So like that's alarming because you're you're talking like$26,000 a year that I'm spending. I'm not a math guru anyway, but like you're talking$20k a year on just getting high? Like that's clown shit, dude. Like, what the fuck? So like I my first night at Warriors Heart, like I I sat there and I was like, maybe I do deserve to be here, bro. Because like I listened to some of the other people share during the Warriors Anonymous meeting, and they gave me my schedule for the next day where I was gonna meet my behavioral health physician, where I was gonna meet my substance abuse clinician, and then I was going to fill out this elective sheet and all this other shit. And I was like, okay, maybe I do deserve to be here because like I'm spending almost half of my fucking income. Like anything that's not going towards bills is going towards feeding my habit. And like my nutrition had gone down. Like I was literally existing on cotton candy, easy Mac, Chef Boy RD, and fucking Gatorade. So I dropped from like 170 pounds down to like 135.

unknown 23:51

What?

Resources, Access, And Zero Cost

Closing Gratitude And Stay In The Fight

SPEAKER_01 23:52

And like I couldn't remember myself being that skinny since like fucking middle school, and I was like, holy shit, bro, like this is this is fucking terrible. So like the next morning I made the decision, like, okay, cool, you've got a designated wake up time. And the template for every day is like you wake up and you have like a first formation type thing at 7 a.m. So at 7 a.m. you were standing tall in like a classroom and they call roll to make sure that you're there, and then you do like a morning check-in, like, hey, is everybody good? This is what we have on the agenda for today. So and so, you have a medical appointment, so and so you need to do your survey, whatever. Then you go to breakfast, and then you get about in about 90 minutes to eat breakfast, do personal hygiene, and then there's mandatory PT. And I was like, Oh shit. What the fuck, bro? Like, I don't want to, I don't want to be doing PT here. Like, this is fucking stupid. So I'm thinking, like, dude, I'm about to get my ball smoked off because I haven't I've just been eating fucking pizza rolls and being high, so I'm not in shape. Um, but there there was like a template to it, right? So like Mondays and Wednesdays were um I can't remember the fucking acronym they use for it, but it's like you hit the gym and you do like 30 minutes worth of a workout. It could be weights, it could be, you know, calisthenics-based. A lot of times it was like that card game where you pull like a king of hearts and that equals 14 push-ups or some shit. And you would do this, and I was just in there fucking dying. Like, there's 50, 60-year-old fucking people in here, and I'm looking at them just powering through this, and I'm like, I'm fucking dying. And I'm like, I'm half their fucking age. Like, this is a problem. Um, they do yoga on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and I was like, bro, I'm yoga? What the what the fuck is even that? Like, I've seen videos, but like I'd never participated in it. And then um my favorite was always the nature walks, which would be on Wednesdays and Saturdays, and you would wake up and literally go check in, do all your shit, and then hey, you can go walk what they call the freedom loop, or you can, you know, hike through the woods and go see the lake and shit like that. And um my birthday was literally during the first fucking week I was there. So I woke up, yeah. Yeah, I was like, never in my life would I have imagined that I would turn 37 in rehab. You know what I mean? Like I've celebrated two birthdays overseas, um, and I thought that was it, you know, with the missing out on birthday shit. But I was like, so I woke up just super hating the fucking world that day. And everyone noticed because like people that are further on the path of sobriety and recovery than you can pick up on those little microaggressions and can pick up on those little like warning signs and red flags. And I remember this one dude, he he was a green beret, and he came up and he's like, Yo, dude, what's up? Like, yesterday you were kind of laughing and joking, and you said three words all morning, like, are you good? And I told him the truth. I was like, nah, fuck this shit, dude. I'm spending my fucking birthday at rehab. Like, what the fuck is this? Like, I'm not saying I want to go out and get drunk or go out and get high, but I at least like to go get laid or go hang out with the boys or fucking anything other than do this. And he, you know, we did the entirety of the nature walk just talking about that. And he was like, you know, I got here a couple days before you, and it's a normal thing to go through this wave of emotions, you know, extreme high, extreme lows, it's a new environment for you. There's, you know, you might not have had this kind of structure oversight in your life, and I was like, all right, well, this motherfucker makes sense. So um the first week went by in a flash, and I remember just being kind of angry because I was in this situation that if I leave and I, you know, uh go against medical advice, then what? You know what I mean? Then I have to go home and tell my girlfriend at the time, like, yeah, sorry, I was too good for rehab. What? Like, and that was just an asinine statement to say to myself. And then like I had some family members who knew where I was at, and I was like, so I'm gonna have to call my brother and call my sister and tell them, like, hey, I know that you were excited about this for me, but like, fuck that, I'm too good for this shit. And I, you know, I started buying into it little by little, from talking to the counselors to just simple shit like the electives. So, like, I when you think rehab, you don't think you get to have fun. You know, you think like you're probably just sitting in a fucking root room doing a group thing eight hours a day. So, like in the morning, you're doing a class from 10 to 12. You'll have like a two-hour group where the entirety of the client base is going to be in there with you. And it could be about PTSD, it could be about uh moral injury, which is something that I wasn't really spun up on until going to Warrior's Heart, and it made a lot of sense with a lot of things for me. And then you get uh lunch, and then from 13 until 1700, you get four electives. It could be horseback riding, it could be going to the wood shop, it could be art, it could be fishing, it could be going to the gym, walking around, it could be working on like the assignments they give you, but you had freedom over your schedule for a day-to-day basis of what to do. And I was like, no, I really don't give a fuck about riding horses, so we're gonna we're gonna skip out on that. Like, I'm not a cavalry guy, so I'm not gonna fucking do the horsey thing. Then I was like, but wood shop, like I'm kind of interested in that. I've never worked with wood before, you know. Like maybe they could teach me something. Um, so I, you know, mosied on down there, and they the instructors are like, hey man, great to have you here. You know, what's your experience? And I was like, fucking zero. Like, I don't know shit about fuck when it comes to woodworking. Like, I can nail some boards together, but that's the extent, like I'm not even a level 10.

SPEAKER_04 29:59

Stories shape culture, they build trust, and when they're told the right way, they move people to action. That's what we do at Security Hall Media. We don't just produce content, we create authentic, impactful, and purpose-driven storytelling for podcasters, nonprofits, brands, and leaders who are on a mission. For people who've lived real experiences and want their message to actually matter, from podcast production and video to strategic storytelling and distribution. We help you clarify your voice, elevate your brand, and connect with the audience you're trying to serve. You have a story worth telling and a purpose behind it. Security Hall Media is here to help you tell it the right way. Click the link in the episode description to learn more today.

SPEAKER_01 30:38

On this, like, I'm a basic training private reporting to you right now with woodworking skills. And they were like, Yeah, no worries, so what do you want to do? And I was like, I don't fucking know. Like, what can I do? And they were like, oh, well, over here you can use this lathe and you can make pens or a baseball bat or whatever. Over here, you can forge some metal and make like a tomahawk or a hatchet. And I was like, So a tomahawk or a hatchet? Like, you said we couldn't bring weapons, but you're letting us make weapons here. And they were like, Don't get it twisted, you don't get to take it with you. It stays here. Like it's under observation. And I was like, okay, touche. And they were like, or you can make one of those, you know, wooden flags that were really popular during the pandemic. It seemed like everybody was fucking pushing out wooden flags, and I was like, All right, well, let's start with the wooden flag. And um, so the main ones that I did were gym because I realized how fucking awfully out of shape I was. Um I did the wood shop and then I did art because like the art instructor was pretty cool. He didn't force you to do anything one way or the other. It was like, hey, what do you know about art? Okay, do you want to try this? And if you said no, he'd be like, okay, well, what do you feel like doing? Do you just want to color? We've got some pencils and some coloring books, or do you want to paint? We'll give you a canvas and some paint and some brushes. You can do whatever. And um, I started turning out probably a piece of art every week, whether it was making coasters or making like four-inch by four-inch paintings or whatever. Like I learned this method called uh drop cup where you pour two or three different kinds of paint into like a solo cup, and then put a uh something hard in between that and your canvas, and then you move that and pick up the cup, and you just let the colors run, and then you can sort of like manipulate the canvas and rotate it on the X and Y axis and make the colors do whatever. So, like I made one that looked like the fucking swamps of Fort Stewart, and I was like, oh, that's fucking sweet. I made one that looked like you know something you might see in deep space, and I was like, this is this is fucking cool. But what I started realizing was like, wow, when I'm doing this, I don't have time to think about wanting to smoke. I don't have time to think about being depressed or being angry or whatever the fuck. So it was like, okay, cool. This this makes sense, you know. Like the first half of the day might suck because some of the classes are just fucking boring. It's death by PowerPoint. Maybe it applies to you, maybe it doesn't. But I kind of took the approach of I'm always gonna take my notebook and I'm always gonna try to find at least one thing that from that class that I can apply to my life and one tool that I can put in my toolbox. So I would write notes, you know, I'd ask questions, I started interacting more, and I would see the clinicians be like, hey, you know, this is good. You're you're interacting, you're asking questions, like we can tell that you really, really care. And I didn't have that thought, like, ha ha, got you fuckers fooled. I was like, oh shit, you know, like they're right, they got me. You know what I mean? Like they fucking got me, they got me on the right path. And um you know, real quick.

SPEAKER_04 33:56

And and it's uh I want to pause right there and let people know that it's again, it's perfectly normal to not you know, the first couple weeks at any treatment center, like it's okay if you don't feel like you're at a place that you really want to be. You don't have the freedoms, you don't have the normal, you you can't dictate. I mean, I I knew when I was going through my worst, I was at Lower Ridge, I don't want to do art therapy. I was fucking damn near combative about doing that shit. But guess what modality ended up being like one of the most impactful art therapy. Yeah, it adapts into a different part of your brain, man. If you if you're um if you're dealing with something and and it's not something that it's not that you want to think about or something that you openly want to discuss, you're gonna hide it away. You're you're gonna find every avenue of approach and then block it off. But art therapy kind of allows you to process that in a different way. And that's why it's offered in so many different places, man. Like did you finally find yourself giving surrendering, so to speak, to the process?

SPEAKER_01 35:10

Yeah, I think um there was a turning point for me in one of the morning groups, and I can't remember what the topic was, but it was what started off the first hour was really, really light and playful, but the next hour was some of the heaviest shit I have ever encountered in my entire life. Like people were sharing their stories and their trauma and what, you know, and like half of the fucking group was crying. And I'm sitting there looking at dudes who have been on SIF teams, dudes who were fucking recon Marines, dudes who like I look up to as an infantryman because they're doing something at a higher level than me, and they're just fucking crying their eyes out. And I was like, holy shit, man! Like, I didn't judge them or think anything bad. I was like, this is impactful. This is this is like truly like a really cool fucking moment because these dudes feel strong enough and feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Because like coming from the military, like vulnerability is death. You know what I mean? Like the enemy finds your vulnerability and exploits it, and that's how you end up getting fucking shwacked. So we kind of take that into our lives on the civilian side of like, okay, well, I'm not gonna tell you anything's wrong with me because you'll use it against me, or I'm not gonna ask for help because you're gonna use that against me. And to see like all of these fucking barrel-chested freedom fighters like crying and supporting each other and lifting each other up was like so fucking impactful because there was no like, hey, dry those tears, pussy. It was like, hey, hey, brother, it's okay. Like, it's okay to feel what you're feeling, like it's okay to cry. It is okay to like feel these fucking feelings, man. Like you're safe. We we're here for you. And when I saw that, I was like, it impacted me in a way that literally just kind of locked me the fuck in for the rest of the program because I was like, look, if these dudes can reach this level of trust, this level of confidence, this level of safety and willingness to be transparent and vulnerable in a group of people, because like it's not like me and you just talking one-on-one. This is a group of like 18 to 20 fucking people. And to see like just the pure emotion and all of the love that everyone had for each other there, regardless of background or MOS or whatever the fuck, like, it was truly humbling, and it was really, really inspiring to be able to witness that. And that's kind of when I was like, look, yeah, I'm I'm all the way in this shit now. Like, I'm I'm full sin, I'm fucking sprinting on the objective now, like no more of this half-assed, you know, baby stepping shit. And I went all in. I started going through the workbook that they give you, which asks you some really, really tough questions. It's a lot of introspective, it's a lot of how do I interact with other people whenever I'm angry? How do I interact with other people when I'm depressed? How what things do I say to myself? And like I would just power through this fucking workbook to the point where my clinicians were like, hey, dude, slow the fuck down. Like you've still got four more weeks here, and you're 90% complete with all the courseware. And it was like, you don't get it, man. I'm fucking motivated. Like, I get it now. Like, I'm ready to fucking to get this. Like, let's tackle this shit. Um, one of the most challenging things that you have to do there is a thing called a lifeline. And you take a big piece of butcher block paper and you draw a line down the middle of it, and on one side you write like military or civilian, or you can write, you know, good or bad. For me, I did good or bad, and you cover every traumatic experience you've had from the time you were born until the time that you reported a rehab. And then you're expected to present this in like your small group. So I had sat through a few of them before I got to present my own, because you do it right at like the halfway mark, so right at like week three. And I heard some of the most awful shit that any human being has ever endured in some of this, and to just see somebody have the fucking balls and the strength to stand up in front of a group of people and be like, yeah, this happened to me. Or I went through this and I didn't feel okay about it. Or, you know, and it was it was empowering because it's it's again, like my small group was dudes that I looked up to, Rangers, Green Berets, fucking soft guys, fucking dudes who were in Fallujah, and like shit that I can't fathom, like all the battles I wanted to be in, these motherfuckers were there and still standing tall afterwards. So like I'm seeing these guys, you know, like cry their fucking eyes out and explain all of this horrible shit that has happened to them, not only just in the military, but in regular life. And I was like, Yeah, holy fuck, like I have to do this too. And it was it was terrifying, if we're being honest, because it's like at the time I wasn't really big on discussing things that went wrong with me. Like I could be very vague about it, but this required detail.

SPEAKER_04 40:17

So Yeah, I would I would I would imagine that when it came your turn to share.

SPEAKER_02 40:27

How freeing was that?

SPEAKER_01 40:32

So I was easily the most scared I've ever been outside of combat walking into the room to present because I was like, I'm about to say some shit that people aren't gonna agree with, I'm about to say some bad things that I have done, and you just feel like you're gonna be judged, right? And nobody ever wants to be judged. Um you get about a two-hour block to do it, and then but you only present it to like your small group. So the people that you've gained rapport with, that you've bonded with. And I remember getting done with it, and then everybody that's sitting in gets to give feedback. There's no like, hey, you're a fucking retard and you shouldn't have done this. It's like, hey man, you know, I'm I can relate to your story because of this situation, and I think you handled it to the best of your ability. So it's more lifting each other up instead of burning each other down. When I got done, I was like, look, I just want to burn this. Like, can I take this fucking piece of paper to the burn pit and just fucking burn it? Um, and my clinician was like, okay, well, why? And I was like, because I've been carrying this shit forever, dude. Like, just because I've been carrying this piece of paper for three weeks, that's chump change compared compared to how long I've been carrying these issues that I have never talked about until this day. So can I please just go burn it? And he was like, do me a favor before you burn it, just jot it down in a notebook so that way in the future, if you go to therapy or you know, you go to another treatment center, you can hand that to them and they'll have like a pretty good picture of what got you to where you're at. And I was like, okay, too easy. So I jotted it down real quick, turn it, and I went and fucking burned it. And it was like me and a couple of the dudes from the group, we sat there, we set it on fire, made sure that it fucking burned, and like it was liberating. It was I felt like I had just got done with a fucking 20-mile ruck with a 200-pound ruck, and just flopped it off of my back and was able to stand up straight without straining, without all of the misery that comes with being under ruck. And it was like it was an amazing feeling. Like I didn't know that I could feel that happy about talking about such awful shit. And then like the program started making more sense to me at that moment, too, because it's like, okay, well, you got me to open up about things that even my family doesn't know about, like, even my closest friends don't know about, but I just told this group of basically strangers all of the most awful shit that's happened to me, and all I got out of that was hugs. All I got out of it was hugs and handshakes and yo man, like, so proud of you, like, good job, bro. You killed it, like you did a great job when I was expecting dudes to be like, what the fuck were you thinking? Like, why would you do some of this stupid shit? Um so it really, really kind of like set the tone for the rest of the program for me because it was like, now that I had gotten over the biggest obstacle for every client there, which is presenting the lifeline, it was like, now I can kind of help others. Now I can help them work through their processes too. So I would see somebody working on theirs and just step over and be like, hey, what's up, brother? You doing okay today? Do you need help? And they'd be like, you know, have you done this yet? And be like, yeah, I just presented mine last week. You know, hey, it can be as in depth as you want, or it can be as vague as you want, but the important thing is that you get it out because you're carrying this box full of stuff, and the box is full, and you're trying to zip tie it down and tape it down to make sure the box stays closed. The box is never going to stay closed. At some point, it's going to open up on you. And when it comes out, it's going to be a fucking flood. And you're not going to really be able to control that. So, like, my best advice would be put as whatever you feel like you need to put on there. So, whenever you're done talking about it, you're done talking about it. Like, you can free yourself from this weight that you're carrying in this ruck that you've been carrying for years. And it really like helped me with the kind of becoming a a servant client to other members there and being willing to talk to them about their problems. And just sit there and fucking listen. Because sometimes the most powerful thing you can do for somebody is just sit there and listen. You don't have to get advice. You don't have to be like, well, I think you should do this. No, dude, just sit there and listen. Because if they trust you enough to talk to you about these really intimate issues, then like that's kind of an honor that you're getting to hear some of the most internal and you know intimate pieces of somebody. Um and I remember like the next two weeks, I I blinked and they went by. Like I couldn't tell you what I did the next two weeks. Um the last week that I was there because I had completed all the courseware, I unlocked uh extra time for uh electives. So now instead of only being able to do wood shop an hour a day, I could do it for two. Instead of only being able to go fishing for an hour, I did it for two, and I was like, I don't fish, bro. I fucking suck at fishing. Uh the only thing I caught up there was like a seven-foot stick that was L-shaped and had to almost crawl into the fucking water to go unhook it. So like I'm not a fisherman, that's for the Navy or some shit. Like, I just I don't do it. Um, but I really, really locked in on wood shop. And I, you know, I finished my projects. I was able to make a plaque for my best friend who didn't get one when he retired. The unit like never gave him. That's awesome. Yeah. So it was like, yeah, it was really cool because like I don't I don't really like making stuff for myself. I like making something and giving it to somebody else. Like every piece of art that I made up there, I gave to a staff member. Um, ever I think I brought one back and gave it to my girlfriend. I made some coasters and gave them to my brother, but like nothing I made up there I kept for myself because in my heart I wasn't I wasn't making that for me. Like, yeah, it was therapeutic and it was helping me, but I I wasn't making it for me. I wanted to give it to somebody else as like a token of appreciation for like thank you for supporting me in this journey. Thank you for honestly just being there because like I lost a lot of friends over this. Like, because not everybody wants to be friends with an addict or a drunk or somebody who tried to kill themselves, like they will distance themselves from you and like I don't judge them for it. Whatever. I've been in that box myself, and I've done the same thing myself. Um I was really, really kind of shaken up by your last day there. So your last day there, you do what's called a coin out, and there's a fireplace, and there's like 30 chairs around it. Um, your treatment team is there, and every client is required to be there. And they go around and they hand this challenge coin and it gets passed from person to person. And if you have the coin, you have to say something nice about like whoever the graduate is. And it's really, really weird coming from my background and like being in the military to be the center of attention. And then normally when I've been the center of attention, it hasn't been because I did something good. It's been because I just created a new safety brief for everybody. So like fucked up. Yeah. Like I've I've never been the center of attention where like 20 people go around the room and say, like, hey man, I think you're super fucking cool. But like the theme of it is you come up with a word and you tell a person this word, and it gets like put on a uh on a certificate for them at the end, so they can look back at it and say, like, these are the qualities or words that people use to describe me there. And I would have people like, hey man, I you know, I think I found a lifelong friend, you know, I think that you're one of the nicest, most genuine motherfuckers I've ever met. Like, I think that you're much stronger than you get. And I was like tearing up. Like I wore sunglasses for a reason because I was like, I didn't know how I was gonna be handling this because like I've never I've never really had people just sit there and have a bunch of nice shit to say. And prior to Warrior's Heart, I would have I I would have lit that ass up. I would have been like, listen here, you fucking Dr. Doolittle looking motherfucker. Like we're not gonna do this. But instead, because like you go through all of this therapy and all of this treatment and stuff, like one of the most powerful things that I learned there is like anger can be a drug. Yeah, man. And for 100% for me, 100% was because before I ever picked up a bottle of alcohol or bought a bag of weed, I was angry. I turned everything into anger. Like I was just this big fucking ball of hate. So when one of the clinicians was like, you know, emotions can be drugs too, it was like a light bulb went off, and I was like, holy shit, I'm addicted to being fucking angry. So I've spent a lot of time and a lot of effort talking to other people and just like finding ways to fucking combat my anger because at the end of the day, what's the biggest risk for me to go back to using? Probably being fucking angry and not wanting to sit with that. So I completed the program and I fucking flew out the next day at like zero fucking dark thirty. I think it was like 5.30 or 6.30 from Richmond. And um, worst plane ride of my life, dude. I was pretty, pretty fucking convinced. I think I might have texted you and been like, hey man, I think I might die on this fucking airplane. And if so, I just want to let you know, like, you're you're a fucking good dude, like keep up the good work. But like doing reaction time tests, you're doing vision tests, hearing tests, fucking acuity tests. They put you on this little machine that has like a moving platform, and it's like, I fell like three fucking times, and I was like, oh god, I'm fucked up.

SPEAKER_04 50:10

This episode of Security Hall is brought to you by Dr. Mark Gordon and Millennium Health Store. If you've listened to this show, you know how seriously we take brain health, recovery, and long-term performance, especially for veterans and performers. Dr. Mark Gordon is one of the leading experts in neural technology and chromatic brain injury. Use the code 102825. And Doctor Core proprietary health products, security health listeners, and received 10% off to use the code FAID2P. Click the link in the episode description to find out more and visit Millennium Health Store today.

SPEAKER_01 51:05

And then like they have measurable data, like scientific data that they have to compare this to for like your peer group and people your age with your background. And I failed like every fucking iteration of every fucking exercise they put me in. And I was like, I don't want to say in a bad place, but I was I was scared because I didn't realize like the severity of the injury, and then I felt like it's like fuck, dude, I'm like a toddler right now. Like, you know, I'm not allowed to walk by myself because I'm a safety risk. Like, are we fucking serious? And they were like, Yeah, you can't drive either. And I was like, are we fucking serious right now? Like, wait, I'm an adult for fuck's sake. Like, I'm 37 years old. I don't need a babysitter. But then when you look at the data and compared to everyone else, and my numbers were like well below average. So it was like, I was calling my brother in tears. Like, hey, dude, I didn't realize it it was this bad. I didn't realize that like all this is there, and then I would talk to so at Shepherd Center, you get like an entire treatment team. You have a primary care doctor, you have a psychiatrist, you have a chaplain, you have an occupational therapist, a speech therapist, a recreational therapist, a physical therapist, a transition specialist. Like you've got like an entire fucking medical team. And they could see that like I was feeling defeated because like I had, you know, you sign a release to get your record sent from Warrior's Heart, and it was like, hey, this dude is normally upbeat, laughing, happy, enjoying life. So like one of the warning signs for y'all to look out for is if this motherfucker goes quiet. If he goes quiet, then you know, you need to engage with them and see what's going on. And they were like, okay, so hey, we know what your warning signs are, what's going on? I'd be like, I I'm fucking defeated right now, bro, because I thought all of these issues were because of me smoking wheat. You know, I didn't realize that like the reason I can barely walk downstairs without holding the rail is because my vestibular system is fucked up. I had never heard the word vestibular up until that point. Um, but you know, they they reassured me and were like, hey, you're nowhere near the worst person that has ever come through here. Like, we've seen some really, really, really traumatized people, and we've seen some really, really jacked up clients. So, like, you're not the worst, and if you work the program, the program will work for you. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 53:31

There's a way to get it back. There's a way to get back.

SPEAKER_01 53:34

So I started on November 3rd, did my two weeks of intake, and was like, I couldn't see any progress yet because you're just doing diagnostic shit. So you're just kind of like getting into the rhythm. And then there was the same familiar feeling from Warrior's heart, like, can I do this? You know, do I deserve to be here? You know, like some imposter syndrome going on, and then like, man, this is fucking tough. Like, can I just quit and go home? But then it was like, but if I quit, I'm not gonna get any better. Do I really want to fucking struggle going up and down stairs for the rest of my life? Do I really want to almost fall over any time I'm getting out of the shower? You know, like we can work on these things. They say that they can help me. The least I can do is play the game and find out. So I had like one full week of playing the game, and I I found a rhythm. I was fucking killing it. I was, you know, there's aquatic therapy where you go to a heated pool and you're doing exercises in there to help strengthen your core. There's exercise group, which is exactly what the fuck it sounds like, except that you get smoked by some pregnant lady making you do resistance ban, and she does it and it looks super easy, and you're like, oh, okay, well, she does it that easy, and then you go try it, and it's like, oh god, like that chick is a beast, bro. Like, I the first two weeks I was there, I was literally getting outperformed by like a six, six-month pregnant therapist, and was like, it was a huge shot to the ego, but it was also humbling to be like, you know, we can we can get to that point. We just have to work at it.

SPEAKER_04 55:10

They're professionals. They went through school and training to do all that stuff. Uh, there's no reason to feel, you know, like your man card's been pulled. So just team doctors, they know what they're doing.

SPEAKER_01 55:21

It was a house of learned doctors. Um and then, you know, like Warriors Heart would send me a survey, usually like once every 30 days, usually 30 days after your discharge date. It's like, you know, do you feel like drinking? Do you feel like smoking? Whatever the fuck. And it just it's elementary, and I was just like, no, no, no, no, no, whatever. And then um one morning, so I ended up winning this contest where I was gonna get to go meet the Atlanta Falcons and the Atlanta United soccer team. And I was super fucking stoked for this because like I've never won a contest before in my life. So I went and upgraded my phone, they entered me in this contest. I get an email, you get to go do this shit, and I'm like, fuck yeah. I text my brother and I'm like, dude, you know, I get to take a plus one, we're gonna go meet the Falcons. I'm not a Falcons fan, by the way, go Jags. But like, still, it's a pretty cool experience. Not everybody gets to go meet and greet. 4 a.m. the fucking day that I'm supposed to do that. My brother calls and is like, hey, dude, um, we've got to go home. And I was like, what the fuck do you mean we? Like, I'm an individual, I have a say-so in this. And he was like, Well, you know, mom's not expected to make it through the next 48 to 72 hours. And I was like, oh shit. So I called the treatment team and I'm like, hey, I've got to go. I've got to go home now. Um, if this gets me kicked from the program, so fucking be it. But like, it's a family thing and I have to be there. Dude, they called me back within like five minutes and they're like, we promise you're not going to get released from the program. Uh anything that you need to support you while you're down there, let us know. If you need to do therapy uh virtually, let us know. If you need us to send somebody down there, let us know. Like, we can facilitate whatever you need. And I was like, holy shit, that's super cool. And they were like, all we ask is just you update us once every couple of dates. We don't want to hear from you every day, but like if you get any new information that means you're coming back sooner or later, just let us know. So I spent um a week down there, and mom didn't really stabilize per se. Like she was still still really fucking bad, but like she had exceeded the timeline. And me and my brother talked about it, and it was like, you know, he's got to go back and get to work. And I wanted to go back to Shepherd Center. Like, I felt this like I have to go back to Shepherd Center because that's my structure, that's my healing, that's my opportunity to better myself. And during just sitting in the hospital with her, like when I wasn't focused on like being there for her, I I literally felt like, what the fuck am I doing, man? Like I could be doing all these exercises that I was trained to do. So like it was really important for me to get back up there. So I showed up the next Monday and they were like, dude, what the fuck are you doing here? And I was like, look, I have to be here because if I don't, then I'm just going to push myself further and further into this hole. I don't want to be in the hole. I've been there before. So like, trust me, like, if I have to leave, I have to leave, but like let me just let me work the program. And they were like, honestly, we, you know, that's we'd love to hear it. Like, good on you for doing that. So I got back into the fucking rhythm again. You know, I was there was no good or bad updates coming from back home. And then, you know, I got that phone call one morning, like, hey, dude, uh mom's dead, so we gotta go. And I was like, oh shit. So I called the treatment team again and was like, hey, you know, this is it. I'm going down there. Um, I don't know what to expect because my last brief on this was that she was gonna be cremated but wanted to have a ceremony in her hometown, which was basically all the way down in fucking Miami. So it was like it's a four-hour drive for me to get back home to South Georgia, and it's an eight-hour drive from there to Miami, so it's like this is gonna be 12 hours in a fucking car. Like, this is gonna fucking suck. Um so it's like I can't tell you when I'm gonna be back, but ideally by the end of the week, and they were like, Yep, all good, same, same thing. Whatever you need from us, if you need to do therapy virtually, whatever the fuck, just let us know. So dude, they really are. And like um, I went down there, you know, and I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. I've never had to deal with writing an obituary, I've never had to deal with filling out a death certificate. Like, I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. So I was having to like reach out to my therapist and reach out to people at Shepherd Center and be like, hey, do you have any experience with this? And they'd be like, Okay, well, you need to get this many copies of the certificate. You need to contact these, you know, specific financial organizations so that way they'll stop charging bills or whatever. So they were really, really like monumental in helping me get through that because the amount of support and just like willingness to listen really, really helped me stay focused and stayed locked in because like being the oldest of all my siblings, like I kind of take on that leadership role. Like it's I have to lead because you know, like I don't want my brother or my sister to have to deal with this shit, so I'll eat the shit sandwich and unpack it later. I think I was down there Monday, came back on a Saturday, and reported and was like, hey, I'm good. I'm good to go. Like, bring me back on Monday. And they were like, How about you come back on Wednesday? And I was like, Well, I'm telling you, like, I'm good to come back on Monday, and they were like, We get that and we appreciate your gusto, but like, seriously, just take a couple of days, catch up on sleep because we know you by now and we know you're not fucking sleeping and you're not gonna allow yourself to sleep. So just relax, man. Just whatever, and we will see you on Wednesday. So I did. I spent two days just chilling. I showed up on Wednesday and they gave me a really, really light schedule. So I think I had like exercise group followed by psych, followed by just really, really light stuff, nothing too fucking heavy. And they were as soon as I walked in, you know, I had my treatment team coming up, giving me hugs. Hey, we're so sorry, but it's so good to see you. Like, we're so glad that you're here. Like, if you need to talk, if you need to cry, if you need anything, you just let us know, and we will, you know, we'll facilitate and do everything that we've got to do. And it was like so much different than the army because somebody dies in the army, you come back and it's like, okay, dickhead, back to fucking work with you. Um, so it was shocking, but one of the things that I really, really noticed throughout that entire process was not once did I have the thought of smoking. Not once did I sit there and say, like, man, this would be so much easier to deal with if I could just smoke a joint, or man, a bottle of Jack Daniels really sounds really fucking good right now. Instead, it was like, okay, we'll make some time later tonight when we put our head on the pillow to process this. We'll feel it. We won't push those emotions away. We won't say that we're too much of a big boy to cry. Like, we will feel it and we will handle it in a healthy fucking way. And honestly, that's kind of what I did. Every day I would clear 30 or 45 minutes and just sit there and allow myself to grieve, allow myself to be mad, to be sad, whatever the fucking emotion was. But still to this day, yeah, to even current day, I'm sitting at like 144 days sober and counting. No cravings, no, like it's Atlanta, so I smell weed like every time I walk outside. Um, I see people drinking like 24-7, and I don't look at it anymore as like, oh man, I wish I could have a drink, or oh man, I wish I could smoke. And um this past week I got to redo some of those diagnostic tests, and all of my numbers have come up. I'm no longer below average in these areas. Now I'm above average in these areas. Like it wasn't easy. You know, there's a lot of expectation for me to do shit on my own. Like they will give you exercises and hey man, you need to do this, this many reps on this time frame, do this. There's apps that they give you access to so you can help track it, and your treatment team can see what you're doing, what you're not doing. And then, like, my physical therapist is a fucking monster. Like, I love him so much, but I fucking hate him whenever I'm doing the sessions because he's he doesn't let me bitch out of stuff. Like, if I show up and he's like, Okay, how are we feeling today? And I'm like, look, dude, I didn't sleep, that's fine. He's not gonna smoke my balls off, but he's going to mentally smoke my shit with like balance exercises or training my vestibular system and stuff. So like they're really cognizant of like how you feel and what what limitations you have that day because it varies day to day. What you can do one day, you might not be able to the next, and they're very understanding of that. And like it's such an awesome experience because, like, once again, I'm in a program with fucking recon marines, with pilots, with fucking SEALs, with Green Berets, with like so many badass motherfuckers, and it's like, look, these dudes are struggling with the same shit I'm struggling with, but every time I see none of them graduate, it's like if they can do it, I can do the shit too. Um, it gives you that like empowerment of being like, hey, it's it's cool, you can do it, because like I wasn't sure if I was ever gonna, you know, talk about Warrior's Heart or talk about Shepherd Center, but like one of uh one of the guys that I met at Warrior's Heart, um, a ranger in first bat, and now he's an EMT, and he he's he's just a cool fucking dude. Like, we bonded instantly over, you know, I was at Stewart, he was at Hunter, he's a baseball fan, I'm a baseball fan. So like we we pal around and like we're definitely like close friends now. And when he graduated, I saw that he was posting pictures on Facebook, like, just in case you didn't know, I was at rehab, here's me riding a fucking horse, or here's me doing this, or here's me doing that, and I was like, buddy, why? Like, why are you why are you flaunting it? Not not flaunting it, but like why are you putting this out there for like anybody and everybody to see? And he was like, Well, you got two options. You can heal quietly in the shadows, or you can heal loudly. And if you heal loudly, you never know who that's gonna reach. And if one fucking person sees that I went and got help on Facebook and decides that they can go get fucking help too, then that makes it worth it to me. And I was like, I'm like, yeah, holy shit, dude. Like, I'm tracking, that picks the fuck up. So, like, after leaving Warrior's Heart within 72 hours, I was on Bunker Bros podcast telling my story. Hey. You know, I don't give a fuck if you don't like me. I don't give a fuck if you unfollow me. I don't give a fuck if you make a post like, uh, Ados is a fucking weed smoking piece of shit. Whatever, dude. Your opinion is your opinion. But the thing is, if one fucking person listens to this, just one, and says, Hey, if Corey can fucking get through that, if he can overcome what he overcame, then there's no excuse that I can't. And like, there's also tons of people don't know about these things. Like, they don't know what sort of resources are out there. Like, I've I've been to Atlanta a gajillion times and never heard of the Shepherd Center. You know, like I didn't know that there's so many like veteran-specific and brand veteran-friendly organizations out there that are for people like us. Like, not for average Joe that's out, you know, in you know, whatever the fuck in the civilian world, but this is for for us, and it's overwhelmingly run by people like us. Like the dude who runs Warrior's Heart is a fucking former CAG guy. Tom Spinner. Yeah, so if you think if you think a fucking CAG dude is like weak for coming out and saying, hey, I had addiction problems, this is how I overcame it, and then I started a fucking organization to help veterans. If you think that makes him less of a man, go fuck yourself, bro. Like, honestly, because I guarantee you Tom Spooner has saved more lives than he ever took. I guarantee fucking toe you, I can credit him and Warrior's Heart with keeping me out of a fucking box. I can credit the Shepherd Singer with keeping me out of a fucking box because like it we have to help each other because we at the end of the day, like, we can't really relate to civilians. You know, they've never been where we've been, seen what we've seen, done, what we've done. But we can sure as shit relate to each other. We can sure as shit, you know, know what, you know, even if I've never been to the same places you've been, I I've been through fucking basic training. You've been through basic training, you know, you've had a dickhead platoon sergeant, I've had a dickhead platoon sergeant. Like, there's a bunch of different ways, and like I think that too often the the community, like the military Instagram community or Twitter or whatever the fuck, just the community is too busy tearing each other down and shark attacking each other and like, oh, you're a piece of shit because you did this or you did that. When in all actuality, like we should be taking care of each other because it's like there's 22 to 23 of us a day who ended up in a fucking box. And like nobody deserves that. You know what I mean? Everybody should be able to live a good life regardless of what the fuck we've been through.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:31

Yeah, I think that's what the important part of this this whole experience is and being able to come on and share your journey is is advocacy, sharing your success, sharing your journey. It gives other people not only the understanding that it's okay to admit that you need help and it's okay to be vulnerable, but they shows that the the old stereotype of staying quiet and being a disgruntled fucking veteran needs to die, needs to go away. You're no good to anybody if you're suffering by yourself in your room, or even if you're making corny ass videos on TikTok about the monsters. Let me tell you something. Uh uh, my this is the well, there's the closing out rant. The amount of energy and time that it takes for you to get in that shower and make that really stupid fucking TikTok. You could have been asking for help. You could have been really going out there and saying, I'm not gonna be this version of myself. I'm gonna face this, I'm gonna get help. And that's why uh I I I knew I had to have you on here, man, to finally be able to have you on this platform to share your journey because it's important, man. I share mine all the time. I've shared my my my trials and tribulations where I've gone to I went to Laurel Ridge, went to uh the the in uh the friggin' star program down in uh Virginia, TPI moment. Don't don't get mad at me. But it's by sharing these stories that we help others fucking finally say to themselves, enough's enough. I'm gonna get answers, I'm gonna figure out what's going on in my life because we need more of us to stick around. We're not gonna get through this problem of losing veterans on a daily basis to suicide by letting somebody else take ownership of the problem. It's gonna be us. It's doing this, talking, engaging within our veteran echo chamber and being willing to help each other. That's what we need. We need more interactions, we need more stories like this. I don't need another story of how great you were in the middle of a fucking firefight in some forgotten land. It's awesome to see some great stories platform, but we need to share more, advocate for each other more, be willing to do this, break bread with somebody and tell them how you overcame your worst fucking day and inspire each other to stick around for one more day. Just stay in a fight one more day, stay in a fight, be willing to say, okay, I don't know how I'm gonna do this, but I know that if I just put one foot in front of the other, if I just keep marching along, I'm gonna get to the place where I can finally see value in myself and finally ask for help. It's easier said than done, I know, but trust me, when you finally get to the place where you're willing to ask for help, help will be there. Whether you reach out through 998, reach out to us here on Secure Podcasts, whether it's through our email, psychcallgmail.com or seccall podcast at gmail.com or hit me up on my phone.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:30

Yeah, fucking DM me on Instagram.

SPEAKER_04 1:11:33

Like my DMs are 376-8101, or hit us up on DMs. We'll be there for you. Even if it's just give you more insight on our journeys. Very much the same, man. Very much the same. And and I would say that for a vast majority of us, it's the same story, different paths, maybe a little variation here and there. Um, but for for a vast majority of us, we're dealing with the same thing. TVI is a signature signature injury of the GWAT. We're all dealing with some form of repetitive blast exposure, especially if you're a combat veteran. So it affects us, man. And when we don't know what we're fighting, we can't help ourselves. So you have to get informed. You have to go somewhere. There's so many places these days, man. There's so many nonprofits are willing to cover. That's the other thing. How much did all this cost you? Zero dollars and zero cents, brother. Zero fucking dollars. And that's what I'm trying to tell you, folks. The gateway to entry is not there. There's no financial limitation. There are people that want to help you, they want to get you the care you deserve because you're worth it. Yeah, you're absolutely fucking worth it. Brother, I can't thank you enough for being on here. But you know, more importantly, thank you for sticking around, man. Yeah, thank you for staying in the fight. Because, man, I I wouldn't I don't want to imagine a world where I don't have the interactions with you on uh on Instagram where we keep each other going and we send a meme or or say something funny back to each other because that's that's a beautiful thing, man. We never served together, but for the last four or five years, we've been in we've been constantly in touch through messaging and memes. And that's the beautiful thing about this digitally connected world. You can make a huge impact, you can make a lifelong friend and brother just by reaching out and connecting with people, man. That's the whole that's the whole thing about this whole show. LGOPs, baby. Little groups of paratroopers. Build your LGOP, stay connected, and be there for each other. Corey, thank you for being here, brother. I'm so proud of you. So, so fucking proud of you. Fucking everybody at home, if you're listening, give a round of applause to this man because he fucking did it. He fought back and he's here. And man, what a fucking journey, dude. Can't wait to have you back on to explore what you do because this is just the beginning, man. I don't know where the journey is gonna take you, but I know one thing, you're gonna be successful because you're gonna live to succeed again. And to all y'all listening, thank you for being here. Thank you for tuning in. I can't wait to bring out some more impactful guests, give you a little boost, some motivation. But until then, take care.