The world's finest Apple - who me?

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

The Law of Sustainment refers to the principle that your ability to maintain progress towards your goals is closely tied to your self-image and identity. If your inner beliefs do not align with your aspirations, it can lead to inconsistency and failure to achieve lasting change.

Put slightly differently: It says 'If you see yourself in a certain way, you'll find it hard to sustain lasting change'.

Can you identify with anything in this poem?

The world’s finest Apple  A poem by Julian R. Smith

"You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people 

You can be the finest apple in the world - ripe, juicy, sweet, 

succulent - and offer yourself to all. 

But you must remember that there will be people who do not like apples. 

You must understand that if you are the world's finest apple, and 

someone you love does not like apples, you have the choice of becoming a banana. 

But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana 

you will be a second-rate banana. 

But you can always be the finest apple. 

You must also realise that if you choose to be a second-rate banana. 

There will be people who do not like bananas. 

Furthermore, 

You can spend your life trying to become the best banana - 

which is impossible if you are an apple 

- or you can seek again to be the finest apple".

What is clear is that somewhere in the past, something happened - usually in the childhood development period. You now find yourself trying to please people - to fit in and be accepted. You try to present a version of you to the people in the 'system' you are currently interacting in, in order to be accepted.

If that means changing from being an Apple, to a Banana, then so be it. Being accepted in that grouping is the most important factor. Therefore you constantly metamorphorise in order to please and be accepted.

The problem: You never identified and evolved into being the real authentic you or you lost the real authentic you.

So - 'standup the real authentic you' - becomes futile because the real authentic you is not known. 

'Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all' - will get the response - 'Well it's all those others, isn't it!'

The Russian doll image best illustrates the protected Inner child deep inside the layers - being protected from the hostile world.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help is here for you: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Sex porn love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions. It got set up back in the childhood development years. It's just not about sex, it's not about porn. It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body. It's impacting women, men, children, age 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions. It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives. The Kairos Center has created the first online comprehensive sex porn love addiction. It's a video on demand recovery program which you can access from anywhere in the world and begin to see identifiable changes just within six weeks of beginning this weekly program. Kairos means your appointed time. Isn't it your time to reclaim your life? Bring colour back to life without shame. Click the link below and begin your journey. You owe it to yourself and to others. You must learn that you cannot be loved by all people. You can be the finest apple in the world, ripe, juicy, sweet, succulent, and offer yourself to all, but you must remember there will be people who do not like apples. You must understand that if you are the world's finest apple and someone you love does not like apples, you have the choice of becoming a banana. But you must be warned that if you choose to become a banana, you'll be a second rate banana, but you can always be the finest apple. You must also realize that if you choose to be a second rate banana, there will be people who do not like bananas. Furthermore, you can spend your life trying to become the best banana, which is impossible if you are an apple. Or you can seek again to be the finest apple. What a strange poem. I read this regularly to my clients, and what it brings to my mind is something about how we metamorphosize ourselves to become what we perceive people want us to be. To change, to try and fit a perception, an expectation. But by doing that, we're now we're now not being the authentic us. In essence, what we're doing is creating different me. Is that the real me? Is that the real me? And we can go on, can't we? Dependent upon the system of people, groupings that we interact with, we keep peeling back layers and presenting a different layer. Oh thus, I can keep going.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

Which is the real you? Stand up, the real you.

SPEAKER_01 4:59

We can metamorphosize ourselves, try to change ourselves often unconsciously, don't realize we're doing it, in order to gain acceptance within the groupings that we are a part of. But in doing that, reshaping ourselves constantly to fit the particular group that we're a part of in that moment, we lose sight of who the real authentic me really is. And often we forget the person that we presented in that particular group on another occasion. What we need to be is consistently the same person in each of the different systems. Systems? The groupings of peoples that we're interacting with. The workplace is a system. The immediate closed family is a system. The wider extended family is a system. The sports club of people that you interact with is a system. A church. A golf club. They are all systems of people with whom we interact. And we need to be consistently consistent in the person of us that we present so we don't lose sight of who is the real me? I wonder if you need to find the real you and start to fall in love with the real you. That's a big statement for many people. We use statements like, I love our partner, our wife, our husband, but we're pretty mediocre and lackluster in terms of love for ourselves. Let me challenge you. Many aren't gonna accept what I'm about to say. You can't really love somebody else until you first love yourself. So so much of this course, this webinar, is about finding the real authentic you and learning to love yourself. Because until you find the real you and learn to fall in love with the real you, it's gonna be really hard to present the authentic you to your partner and have that progressively vibrant, lush couple, relationship, marriage, partnership relationship. I know you might want to challenge me on that, but gotta learn to love you. Now, this may mean some individual therapy work for you outside of this webinar. There may be some individual work that you've got to do on you to learn again to love you so you can begin to present the real authentic you to your partner. Because first of all, you love you. Mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all. Well, of course it's me. It's that person in the mirror. Can you say that? Can you say that about you? Genuinely can you say that and believe it? Maybe we need to do some individual therapy work, counseling work. Contact me. Have a go at the self-compassion test. I'll send you I'll include a link for you to do that self-help compassion test. What you're doing there is learning about the extent to which you have compassion for yourself. Some of us are pretty hard on ourselves. Alongside that, and whilst you're doing that, you might want to look again at understanding your apology type. What a strange thing to say. Yes, there are ways in which we receive an apology from someone, and there are ways in which the apology just goes over our head, it's just water off a duck's back in a sense. We don't really hear the apology because it's not done in the way it doesn't have the content that we need it to have. That's a strange one. You may not have come across that. I'll include a link so you understand what your style of apology really is. Example for some people, an apology that does not include an additional content that says, and I've not only understood how it has hurt you what I did, but I also am taking steps to try to avoid it ever happening again. And it's that latter bit which probably is the most important for some people, hearing that the individual is actually taking some steps or going to take some steps to limit the particular behavior happening again. And unless they hear that, the apology just doesn't register. Did you know that about you? Do you recognize why perhaps in the past you really haven't heard or received your partner's apology? Do the apology test, do the apology style test to better understand you. You may gain a lot of knowledge and insight. It's alongside the Gary Chapman Five Love Languages work that you will do in an earlier session. It's all about not just understanding your love language, but understanding your apology language. And when you take the quiz to identify your most important love language, you will also see a link to understand your apology language. Send me a message. Let's do some work without shame and bring color back to life. Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane at the Chiral Center. And let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.