Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!"

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What is passive-aggressive behaviour? Do you fight like this? 

Passive-aggressive behaviour is when you express negative feelings indirectly instead of openly talking about them. It is a defence used to protect self. It might stem from early experiences and has become a way to protect self. It might also include feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem. It is often vindictive and a way of doing "fight' with someone.

It is a way of expressing negative feelings, rather than talking openly about the issue which as caused upset. It is a way to communicate anger and other forms of distress, without openly acknowledging the emotions. It might take the form of action or inaction. An example might be, the person who attends an event (unwillingly), then is rude or hostile. Alternatively, it might be that they avoid the event and give a partner the “silent treatment.” That is overt aggression, adopted as a communication style, as revenge for an upset caused to them.

Someone who uses passive aggression may feel angry, resentful, or frustrated, but they act neutral, pleasant, or even cheerful. They then find indirect ways to show how they really feel. They might say one thing, but do something quite contrary. They may do the thing they do not want to do and brood and complain whilst doing it.

They might do something that seems kind (on the surface), but is opposite to the other person's expectation and preference. For example, someone who knows you are trying to lose weight, purposely buys a large sugary birthday cake for you.

Passive aggression is a common coping mechanism that many people use from time to time, especially when they want to avoid direct conflict. People who engage in passive aggression may feel just as aggressive or hostile as those who adopt more overt forms of aggression.

Anger, frustration, and displeasure are normal emotions. People who rely on passive aggression rather than direct communication to show these emotions often grew up in a family where that behaviour was common. It might not have felt safe for them to directly express their feelings as a child.

Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior - like these other examples:

Limit/curtail communication: when clearly there is a problematic issue present

Avoiding/Ignoring/evading: because anger won't allow you to address the issue calmly 

Procrastinating: intentionally putting off something and knowing it will adversely affect the other person(s)

Obstructing/deliberately stalling/preventing something

Avoiding situations: where competition might show you in an unfavourable light

Ambiguity/cryptic/unclear: not fully engaging

Sulking/silent treatment/sullen/dogmatic: in order to get attention or sympathy.

Purposely late: knowing that will offend

Thwarting/frustrating someone expectation: to be 'bloodyminded'

Purposely forgetting key matters: to show a blatant disregard and disrespect 

Limiting/withholding/avoiding Intimacy: known to be liked by the other person

Making Excuses/coming up with reasons: for not doing things

Victim role: so as to avoid taking responsibility for own role

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

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Transcript

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Sex porn love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions. It got set up back in the childhood development years. It's just not about sex, it's not about porn. It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body. It's impacting women, men, children, age 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions. It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives. The Kairos Center has created the first online comprehensive sex porn love addiction. It's a video on demand recovery program which you can access from anywhere in the world and begin to see identifiable changes just within six weeks of beginning this weekly program. Kairos means your appointed time. Isn't it your time to reclaim your life? Bring colour back to life without shame. Click the link below and begin your journey. You owe it to yourself and to others. We will be doing one of three things to get our core emotional needs met and topped up. Because remember what I said, they're not negotiable, they've got to be met. We just learn to have them met at lower levels. We will be doing fight with the other person. Fight is not always the fisty thing. Sometimes it's the passive aggressive, which I suggest can be even more potent than the visible fight. The passive aggressive can be so so destructive like dynamite, but insidious because it's as if you can't really touch it, but you know it's happening. A passive aggressive behavior? The partner that does the silent treatment around the house because they've been upset by the other person, the tactile touch interaction is removed, and there's minimal of words pass between each of you for hours for days for weeks. And it can go on and on until something finally intervenes. What might intervene? Take a look at Jake and Jasmine and the dance they did on the seesaw for year after year until frustration and annoyance cause one to run over to the other, but it doesn't work. We will fight, we will flight, we will freeze. Learn about your way of doing fight. Us men, I suggest, I know that women do it as well, but us men, I think we've perfected the art of passive aggressive, where we remove tactileness, touch, embrace, the pat on the wherever we used to pat our wives as an endearment. We stop we answer questions with one or two words, then we move away. Passive aggressive because you've upset me. It can be really hard to claw your way back from the silent treatment. It's very destructive. Which one of you does more the passive aggressive? Which one of you does the fight? Remember the physical fight called domestic violence. There's never ever a level of acceptability of physical. The emotional is never acceptable. It's just more insidious to see. You may need to leave a relationship where your well-being is in danger. That we can look at in a different session. As we continue with this core emotional needs, what's the other one? Flight. Here is my definition of flight. We move ourselves out of the place where we perceive our core emotional needs are not being met, and instead move ourselves into a different place where we perceive our core emotional needs are more likely to be met. Let me give you an example that I've been using for many, many years. I ask you to excuse me if you perceive it as stereotype and a bit sexist. I apologize for that. But here's the example that I use, which I think is is is one that works reasonably well and not so far removed from reality, even though rules are changing. We do have a stay-at-home mum with three under-sevens, which keeps her very active. We have a male who has started a new job. The partner, the husband, very busy, very bright. He's up for promotion. When he comes home from work, he loves to tell his partner, his wife, about his day. He's very animated because he loves what he does in the workplace. He's up for promotion. But each evening that he comes home, she's exhausted having just put the last bottle in the sterilizer and three youngsters to bed, and he really respects her hard work as a stay-at-home mum. He values her. He loves it though when she would s maybe sit around the table with him or be laying on the sofa nearby as he eats his meal and shares something of his day, but so often unavoidably, she's just slowed down and she falls asleep. Now he doesn't seemingly mind at that, he absolutely understands. But what he doesn't realize is the extent to which her listening to him actually promotes, tops up a number or one of those top ten core emotional needs. And over time, months, what he may not realize is that he stopped clocking off from work and leaving at his normal time of 5:30, and instead he's leaving work at closer to seven o'clock because he gets enjoyment from his work. His core emotional needs are being met, certain of them, of course, not all of them, in the workplace by the work towards promotion that he's doing, the project that he's working on. And so he'll spend more time in the workplace. Do you see where core emotional needs, there's a perception they're not being met in one place, he is moving, taking himself into another place and staying in that other place for longer periods of time. He is flighting. Now, the dilemma here is that so often we can flight into the arms of somebody else because when our core emotional needs are not being met, we are vulnerable. We're vulnerable to affairs, we're vulnerable to adultery. Wow, that's a bit grandgary. Yes, we are. We're vulnerable because those core emotional needs are not negotiable, they've got to be met, and we will find different ways to get them met. I'm not being critical of his wife. Now, what I want you to understand in this example I'm giving to you is it just takes a spark to light the fire. So, what we're gonna do is put in the mix a female in the office, and she says something to him. I can see you're up for promotion, the partners think highly of you, must be a very interesting project that you're working on. His eyes light up as she makes that statement, and before he knows it, he invites her to lunch so he can tell her about the project. Before he knows it, he's invited her out to lunch. You know where I'm going with this. They go out to lunch, they go out to lunch, and all she does is listen, nods and smiles. She doesn't necessarily understand too much of what he's saying about the project. But whilst he's animated and telling her, and she's just nodding from time to time, he has attention. He's also getting something of appreciation. Now, individuals with attachment issues, which we will have looked at in the previous session, this is going to feel really good and top up some seriously low core emotional needs for attention and affection and security and being wanted. And something happens in the dynamics of this relationship with the secretary that leads to an affair. And after the sex, he lifts his head up and says, I don't understand why I did this. I know I don't love you, I know I love my wife. What just happened? Why? And what I offer to you is a lot of the times it's something to do with the drive to get core emotional needs met. You see, what I've constantly been saying to you is it's not about the top of the toothpaste, it's not about the toilet seat. There are often some deeper issues in the unconscious that we don't understand. Send me a message. It's time to get your relationship back onto a better footing for your future. Let's do some work without shame and bring colour back to life. Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane at the Chiral Center, and let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.