Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" - Part 2

On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

It is worth listening again to the first part of this topic (in a recent past episode) - entitled: Sex Addict - "I am not a Passive-Aggressive by my behaviours!" - 

This is a continuation of that topic talking about Core Emotional Needs. This is part 2 of how Passive-Aggressive behaviours can show up - as a way of trying to get Core Emotional Needs met.

Do you know what are your top 3 most important Core Emotional Needs? Do you FIGHT like this? Do you FLIGHT like this? Do you Freeze like this? - but it is all about repeatedly practised behaviours as a attempt to get depleted Core Emotional Needs met. Some of them are: Approval, Acceptance, Support, Security, Comfort, Respect - amongst others.

When Core motional Needs are depleted and at reserve levels, as human beings, we will do one of three things to try to get them met, since they are not negotiable. Critical levels will see us doing Fight, Flight and/or Freeze. 

Which one of those three do you think that you predominantly use? It may not actually be the obvious one that you first think you do. Listen to the two parts of this podcast and the examples of fight, flight , freeze which I demonstrate.

Over 90% of the couples in conflict that we see in The Kairos Centre, have, at the root of their conflict - fight, flight, freeze - as they try to get their Core Emotional Needs met. Often, it will take the form of Passive-Aggressive behaviours. (This is a big deal which needs to be understood well).

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Key words: sex addiction, addicted, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, therapy, sex therapy, podcast, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, couples therapy, sex therapy, emdr, love addiction, behavior,

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Sex porn love addiction is all about self-soothing to manage your emotions. It got set up back in the childhood development years. It's just not about sex, it's not about porn. It's all about the repeated use to set up the physiology to crave those dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, self-manufactured drugs in the body. It's impacting women, men, children, age 10 to 75 across all the age ranges, the sexes, the cultures, the professions. It increased exponentially during COVID lockdown and impacting so many lives. The Kairos Center has created the first online comprehensive sex porn love addiction. It's a video on demand recovery program which you can access from anywhere in the world and begin to see identifiable changes just within six weeks of beginning this weekly program. Kairos means your appointed time. Isn't it your time to reclaim your life? Bring colour back to life without shame. Click the link below and begin your journey. You owe it to yourself and to others.

SPEAKER_00 1:11

Let me offer to you the mum that would say, I've got all these kids, my life is so busy, I can't believe I used to work full-time and have one child, and now I've got three. It's a full-time job. I haven't got time for an affair, you've got to be kidding. And she seriously means it. And you see, affairs don't just happen like that out of the blues. Let me give you a scenario where on a Wednesday she drops the kids off to school, and having dropped them off, and they've gone to their different classes, as she's walking through the playground to go back to the car, there's a dad who does the drop off, another dad who does the drop off only on a Wednesday, and he's takes a glance at her and just says in passing, that's a lovely dress that you're wearing today. And she just quickly responds, Oh thanks, but as she continues to walk back to the car, something creates a smile within her. And she gets in the car and looks in the mirror and wonders what he is seeing. Because for the last six months she realizes she's not had a compliment from her partner, from her husband about anything that she's worn. They've hardly gone out that much, and she understands it. They're busy life with children. Now the dynamics that next happens is really interesting because the following week she doesn't realise how she's rushing the children to finish their breakfast and get their shoes on, and she's getting even more irate and annoyed with them because they're doing their normal children things, delaying, not quite doing what they've been told the first time, and she's getting really wound up. Finally, she gets them in the car and is really upset, but they drive away really quickly, and she doesn't understand the unconscious process that's going on, which is she remembers the time when she was walking through the playground when she crossed path with this dad dropping off his children on a Wednesday only, and she wants to cross path again with it. What? That's a bit shallow, is it? What her brain is seeking to do is to get that compliment again, but this time she's made an even greater effort in what she is wearing and her hair, and she hasn't realized when she looked in the wardrobe, she didn't just throw on oh ladies, are you gonna beat me up if I say leggings? Sorry. She found something else. Because that complimentary dress, that compliment she got from the dress she wore was just something she just reached for in the wardrobe. This time she's giving a conscious thought to what she reaches for in the wardrobe to make an effort. That's how affairs can start. Be aware. When our core emotional needs are not being met, we fight and or flight. Let's look at freeze. What's freeze? I call freeze the sort of stiff British upper lip thing. It's the I just get on. I just get on. I hardly notice my core needs, this just life, isn't it? Everybody's got you just get on, you just get on. Freeze. So freeze is it seems passive, but it's active in that I'm getting on, but not doing anything about the way I feel and my core needs. Just get on. Don't look this sentence up in the Oxford Dictionary or this word. Freeze doesn't stay frozen permanently. You see, every now and then those that just get on will go into a fight with the other person they perceive is not meeting their core emotional needs, whether that fight be passive or truly aggressive, and then they'll go back into freeze for the longer period, and then another time they may go into a flight, and then go back into freeze. So those that freeze don't really stay frozen. They freeze for the longest time and occasionally fight and flight, all about getting core emotional needs. Now, the discussion I would like you to have as a couple is this. What's your perception of what you do when your core emotional needs are depleted for ever so long and are not being met? Do you do fight if so, what form does it take? Or do you do flight? If so, what form does it take? Or are you someone who freezes? No, hear me. At different points you may well do fight, you may well do flight, you may well freeze, but what I'm asking you is look back over the last six months, a year or so, which one of those do you think predominantly you use when core emotional needs are not being met? Find it. And then have a conversation with your partner and see if you're willing to brave it and be open to be vulnerable to share with them. Your fight, your flight, your freeze with examples. That's really vulnerable. Some of you may not be ready to be vulnerable. I hope soon you get ready to be vulnerable because this is actually what's going to increase the trust, security, and enhance the relationship by being vulnerable with each other.

SPEAKER_01 8:07

Send me a message. It's time to get your relationship back onto a better footing for your future. Let's do some work without shame and bring colour back to life. Send the email, send the message to me, Gary McFarlane, at the Chiral Center, and let's begin to reclaim your quality of life.